Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on August 14, 2007, 04:17:59 PM
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Hi all,
For those who held my hand during some very painful times with my D, this will make sense.
I am relieved and happy because my D called me Friday night for some support over a job issue. I just listened and supported and gave only the advice she asked for. At the end of the call, I said thank you for calling, I really appreciate it. (No guilting, just genuine no-strings thanks.) She called me Saturday night too and just gave me verbal affection, for no reason at all.
With her second call, I felt as though she was intentionally conveying love. Without fear of strings or being fused or anything. I felt greatly reassured, because it was something new. As though she "got it"--I wasn't trying to overwhelm her, I just love her and like to hear from her.
Sounds silly for 2 calls to signify a change, but I think she's differentiated now, in a way that she can finally perceive me as a separate person--not just "overwhelming Mom".
I had given her space and wasn't pursuing. Funny how that works. :?
love
Hops
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Cool, Hops :) I didn't do much hand-holding at that time, but I get it now!
And I don't see you as overwhelming mom anymore either :D
(((((((((Hops)))))))))
Love,
Hope
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Dear Hops,
What hit me was you "let it go" and it came back to you.
I am so, so happy for you and for her. Thanks again for your wisdom. I NEEDED it .I wanted to say something really positive that I see in you . I am only a person on the board,but I see that you allow people to go "their own way" and still love and encourage them .You don;t have to "protect a certain way of thinking".I have been appreciating that for a while and wanted to let you know Love Ami
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Thank you so much, Hope...to know you see that change in me means more than I can say. Ulp.
Ami, to have affirmation from you also means a very great deal. Thank you.
sniff.
THANK YOU! :)
Hops
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Hops
I wasn't one of the hand holders either :? ,
but I'm sure glad this all worked out for you. :lol: :lol:
I had given her space and wasn't pursuing. Funny how that works
I just love it when these little sayings and slogans work out...they really are true for a reason..........
It warms my heart and gives me so much hope & encouragement to carry on
LET GO AND LET GOD
Love Tweety
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Thank you for sharing your experience Hops. When it works it's wonderful!
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hi Hops
I had given her space and wasn't pursuing. Funny how that works
I hope that works for me. She stopped the game with no word, maybe too busyt, maybe stuck, as I am, but not a word.
I plan to leave it and not pursue it!
Love Izzy
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She called me Saturday night too and just gave me verbal affection, for no reason at all.
Wow Hops. what a difference a year can make. I am truly, truly happy for you. I't so important and you needed and deserved it. I'm so glad for you both.
your friend - Gaining Strength
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Wow... Hops.
I bet you're a great mom.
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I am so glad to hear your news, Hops. Though i cannot imagine you as `overwhelming'. I love your writing and your style of advising whilst encouraging me, and others.
She is lucky to have you.
X Bella
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Hops,
This is such great news. I am so happy!!!!!!! happy, happy, happy!!!!!
Your good people Hops and the apple don't fall far from the tree. You got a good kido there too.
Love
Deb
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What kind of dancing lessons did you take to learn to do a different step?
Here's to your continuing grace.
cats paw
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Hops,
I am so happy for you both, and I agree, she is very lucky to have you.
Peace
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Y'all are choking me up again.
Somethings up down there where D is!
She called again tonight!
The pretext was to update me on the rabies situation (she was exposed at work and has to take the shots) but she also mentioned a male friend had just arrived...and he's been her "friend" for a while.
Oh lordy, I hope I don't start worrrying again. She's picked some people who hurt her, before.
Cancel that! She's a grown woman and I want her happy!
love and thanks again to each and all of you dear ones,
Hops
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Dear Hops,
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Mama love/daughter love)))))))))))))))))))))))))
Loving your 'simple good news'!
tt
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The pretext was to update me on the rabies situation (she was exposed at work and has to take the shots) but she also mentioned a male friend had just arrived...and he's been her "friend" for a while.
Ah Hops,
Love to you both.
You sound like and extraordinary Mom, and I'm sure you raised the same with your daughter.
I don't know the history between you to so sorry if I'm off the mark here,
Maybe she just needs her Mom now. All wonderful Moms worry about their children, not a bad thing. I have the same worries about my daughter. I too have had to detach emotionally from her at time (she is 20 and finding her way , very normal healthy process) allthough she lives with me,
As you stated before , sometime ya have to let go and let them find there way, even if we as mothers might know it will hurt them and we want to protect them. They always find there way home to Mommy to lean on for support and advise and yes, we will always be here.... but she always is the wonderfully beautiful baby girl I gave birth to. she is my shinning star in this world.
Love and blessing to you both
Tweety
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remember that book you told me to get on love relationshipos, a phrase in there has started to make a lot of sense to me lately: you've got to give someone chance to miss you!
I've always been so used to micro-managing all the alcoholic and difficult people around me and making sure things happened and people reciprocated- I didn't realise it had spilled over into the rest of my life.
One day I gave my therapist a book I'd read and she said 'is it important to you that I read this?' and I suddenly realsied unwittingly a lot of what i do comes with conditions and my expectations.
Somethings up down there where D is!
She called again tonight!
it's really great that you can be there for her but within the boundaries of your own life and respect that she has to find her own way.
I would love you for a mother, of course you would have had to have given birth age about 6 or something.... :)
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Hops,
So, so happy for you sweetie.
Letting go is so difficult and it is interesting what returns when we do.
I do not want to put a damper on things but i remember with my son when he would make a meaningful connection with me some part of me thought it was all sorted but in fact we slipped into less contact again and then he emerged again............. I think what I am saying is that they are bringing themselves to the party. That each time there is meaningful contact it does not guarantee the continuiation of it but to treasure each contact for the gift it is............ does that make some sort of sense!!!!!!
Got two calls from my son yesterday, he has gone abroad on his own, for the first time and it was lovely that he felt able to call me with his anxiety and excitement. When he lives an hour up the road from me he rarely calls............kids!!!!!!!!!
Hugs,
Axa
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Thanks, Write. You're a dear kid. :)
Good reminder, Axa...thank you. Yes, I'm okay about that. I don't think she's starting a brand-new pattern. But the spontaneous affection was healing (since I think if the light's turned off the moon's gone out, if you KNIM).
All's well. I'll hear her when I hear her!
love
Hops
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Wounderfully put Axa.
Enjoy it for what it is and cherish the time and let go of the outcome............no expectations.
Expectations are premeditated resentments
Love Tweety
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Hops-
I love your news, Miss Hoppy! Your mother and daughter are blessed to have your love...it is wonderful that they are showing their love to you as well. I am very happy for you.
Hugs,
Changing
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Dear Hops,
With Golden, I had to be willing to lose him(sticking to my standard of how I would be treated----with respect)He cam back after a month.Now, we are restored I am really happy for you, Hops Ami
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Hops,
Something I struggle with is remembering that I am loved, when I don't get feedback from my son. He told me this was MY problem, I am his Mum and he loves me, he does not feel a need to have contact with me to know I am there......... I have to remind myself of this over and over again. Goes back to not having internalised the good object myself though I have improved greatly over the past years from lots and lots of therapy. Trusting that it will be the way it will be and it will be ok is so hard for us who have been abused as kids. I believe I will struggle with this all of my life. Hang on in there,
Axa