Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: SoSmall on August 16, 2007, 05:20:43 AM
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Hi, Hello to all. I am trying to change my inner voice right now. My automatic reactions to people and difficult situations.
I am 34 and female. I work with the public and deal with many many personalities at work. When someone is treating me wrong - either by words or actions I do not speak. it is almost as if my mouth is sealed shut. I cannot voice my unhappiness. When someone yells at me - I become small. So very small.
When I grew up I had 2 odd parents. My mother didn't want anything to do with me. She would go months on end without talking to me. It was as if I didn't exist. There was no anger - there was just nothing. When I was about 20 she admitted to me she had believed her child (ME) would be and act a certain way. Even look a certain way. I was nothing like that and after that she only saw me as someone that took away from her free time. I wasn't what she wanted so she didn't want me at all. A good example of my mom and I's relationship is around age 14 or so I got up all my courage to talk to her about something. My father was ALWAYS telling me it was my fault that my mother and I had nothing in common. So after I told her about whatever - friends at school - or whatever I remember her exact words to me, "What makes you think I care about the pittily little things that go on in your life?"
My father, for as long as I remember, felt the need to point out everything I did wrong. I was always supposed to know what would make him mad ahead of time and not do it. Thing is everything made him mad. I cannot overstate how everything I did was wrong. When I won honors in a highschool jornalism contest in my city, I was told (yelled at for hours) that it was a waste of time b/c I needed to focus on my math skills to get through college. Every year Christmas was a nightmare because I never got the right gifts. One year I got yelled at soooo bad that for Valentines day I went to a huge effort to make it up to my dad. He only said that Valentines Day was not a holiday to be celebrated by father and daughter. Even I knew the point was not what holiday it was - but that i was trying to be good.
I remember about age 5 or so making my mom a card and putting it in the mail box. I was so proud and couldn't wait to hear her go get the mail. All I did was get yelled at b/c I was apparently going to confuse the mail lady with my crayon card.
Once when I waited for the mail lady to offer her coffee because it was so cold outside, my mom said to me, "Why would you do that? She probably thinks you are so stupid? I bet she dumped that coffee out before she got to the next house."
So where am I now? I doubt everything. I doubt every thought I have. Or word to come out my mouth. I hesitate b/c I think it is wrong. I don't stand up for myself because I learned the best way was to just be small and stay out of everyones way. I don't know if a board about Narc parents is where I need to be. I think so.
The final straw was when I got engaged and my mom belittled me for about 20 minutes over the phone when I told her. She even went as far as to say she didn't really believe he wanted to marry me and told me she wasn't going to go if I had it out of state like I planned. That was her real issue she didn't want to travel. I wanted soooo bad at age 33 STILL to get some love and attention from her. I had finally had it. I told my dad, "she was no longer welcome." -- Then it became an issue that I needed to reinvite her - even though she still had no plans to go - I needed to reinvite her so she would feel welcomed. Once again everything was all about my mom. Didn't matter at all how hurt I was - all that mattered was how my mom felt.
My father continuously told me I should have known better than to put that type of pressure on my mom. And then asked me how I would feel if my mom expected me to go to a weekend long quilting bee? Knowing that I would be bored to tears at something like that. Yes, my wedding was equated to a quilting bee. I refused to reinvite my mom. My father didn't come and my sister just sort of disapearred. I had NO family at my wedding. :(
Are these narc parents? Or just mean parents? Either way I know how they treated me took my voice away? I don;t know how to get it back. How do you practice that? Things like that happen in real time? How can you practice for unknown situations? Thanks so much for reading all this drama - So Small
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Welcome SO SMALL....
I'm writing your name in caps bc you've come to the right the place...
and you're going to be growing stronger......
and larger.....
finding your voice.
I don't know about all that fancy dxing stuff.
Seems like the professionals have a hard time with it, themselves.
What I do see in your Family of Origin (FOO) is dysfunction, cruelty and pressure on you to deny that reality.
It sure sounds like N but that doesn't matter so much as you.... and figuring out how to honor yourself and your feelings.
I'm listening to you and everyone here knows what you're dealing with, so you don't have to convince anyone.
We already believe :shock:
Again.... welcome.
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((((((((((((((((((((((((((Sossmall)))))))))))))))))
Yes, you are in the right place. I wouldn't dare give a diagnosis, but I do believe that what we discuss here and the coping techniques will help you tremendously. It takes time to change the voices that run in your head (the tapes). We hear our parent's voices when we know they are wrong, and it takes an effort to change that voice to YOUR voice.
Your parents were wrong in every way. Whatever their reasons, they had a child they should have loved and cherished, and they did not. No child deserves that. And no child should have to scramble to try to do ANYTHING to please.
It sounds that in spite of your awful upbringing, you are a smart and accomplished lady. So... the next step is to "unfreeze" yourself and learn basic life skills... that is what we do here.
I look forward to hearing more from and about you.
Love, Beth
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Dear So Small,
You will find your voice here, I believe, beneath all the feelings which clamp your jaws tightly shut when confronted with difficult people and disturbing situations. This is a wonderful place to practice... expressing your own views, insights, struggles, and finding support and encouragement from so many people who have faced similar situations. The more you are able to give voice to it all here, the easier it will come out in "real life", without all those "stoppers". I think you'll find that there aren't so very many unknown situations, just a few basic scenarios... and in each of them, it's a matter of having your own boundaries firmly placed and recognizing when someone else has encroached upon those. It's not easy... but I'm sure you can do it!
So glad you're here... welcome!
Hope
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Yes SoSmall I believe you are in exactly the right place. I'm so sorry you had to undergo such experiences. I was just thinking last night about how I have a similar problem. When someone is abusing me to my face, I can't defend myself. In fact I feel empathy for them. Maybe you know what I mean. It's pretty messed up. The way I see it - living well will definitely be the best revenge.
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Welcome SoS,
I just want to give you a huuuuuuuuuuuuge hug and tell you how precious, beautiful, important, wonderful and smart and amazing and good-enough you are.
Regularly.
Breaks my heart how f****ng selfish and witholding your parents were and are.
What would it have cost them to hand you a little bit of love? Too much, evidently.
Their hearts are withered and pickled, far as I'm concerned.
But I'm glad you're beginning to let go of that particular (big) hope.
Letting that hope go (for your parents and your past to be different) is the ONLY way to let the present in.
But it happens in stages, with a lot of practice and a lot of support.
This is a wonderful place for both. Life DOES get better.
Hops
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Hiya So Small,
I just want to say.....welcome! and I am also very sorry that you had to live through all of that. That was just awful and no child should be treated in such a manner! Your parents did not deserve you!! (but you kept trying to do right and get their approval........It's so unfair and impossible. They won't change.)
Sorry ((((((So Small)))))).
Glad you found us and hope you will keep working on that inner voice because it's one thing you can change!
Also, that you will learn to use your voice to take care of youself the way you want to!! Those two things alone will help you to grow bigger!!
Sela
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Hi SoSmall,
Your parents sound so hurtful!
Makes you wonder if they are mentally ill.
You are definitely in the right place!
I have/had (my bio dad & the stepfather I called dad are dead) parents like yours. I could/can never do anything right.
My NMother is very hurtful & critical, too.
Her latest husband is a "lap dog", even disowning his own kids because mother doesn't like them.
I became exact opposite as you. I talk waaaay too much, hoping you will find SOMETHING about me that you will like. All that does is make me look pathetic.
I'm a virtual hermit. I just had surgery, but that's not the reason.
I don't trust people to not hurt me, so I keep to myself, except on this board where people understand exactly how I feel.
I wish for you the ability to have that "AHA" moment that I've had. That it's THEM not YOU that have the problem. But that doesn't make it any easier to bear when your parents are so darn mean! I always took everything to heart, figuring if my own parents didn't love or value me, then who could?
I'm not sure we can ever get over feeling that, but being here & sharing that pain can help.
Another "AHA" moment for me was knowing that I was not alone in the way I was treated.
Not that I wanted others to suffer, but knowing that I wasn't alone made all the difference!
Just stay close to us on this board & let it all out, & you'll be surprised how much it will help & how crystal clear things will become.
Love,
Bigalspal
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So Small,
Welcome to the right place for you - you will definitely find a lot of support and understanding here.
What you put up with in your childhood was wrong, and I'm sorry you had to go through that. My mother sounds like yours - I was an irritation to her, she'd rather not have had me, and she was threatened by any achievement on my part, because she felt it detracted from her.
I'm sorry your wedding was overshadowed by HER needs. N's often do this, unfortunately. I wonder if she was dismissive about your husband-to-be's intentions, not because she REALLY doubted them, but because she realised he meant it and so she was losing control of you? That's what happened to me. Dreadful thing to have to deal with, in the run-up to what should be one of the best days of your life.
Keep posting, whenever you feel you want to - there are some really supportive people here who can help you with all sorts of things!
Janet
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Do you know what hon.... Whatever your parents are.. There is something bigger and far more relevant and that is YOU... Stick around here and you can slowly work through your fears same as we are all doing... your childhood sounds as mad as mine.. but I am learning that with good friends you can start to break free.
Keep posting SS
Spyralle xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Dear So Small,
You sound so precious. You sound so -not small-to me. You sound very intuitive and insightful. You survived ' intact" for all the suffering that you went through.
You are in the right place, My Friend. You need to find your voice . You made a good start in that beautiful introduction. Welcome, So Small . Love and a Big Hug Ami
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Welcome ((((((((((SO SMALL))))))))))))) 8)
You are most certainly in the right place.
I'm so sorry for all your pain , and for feeling small. You sound like you have started to become willing to let go of the hope and dream of your parents ever being what you needed them to be,Thats a BIG step. Little by little each step get easier, There is a tremendous amount of support, validation and love here. Bravo for having the courage to step up and be "Big" here. :lol:
I already see NOT SO SMALLNESS IN YOU
Keep comming back,
Love Tweety
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everyone is so sweet. I liked everyone's response but one really stood out to me. Someone made a point that it isn't relavant who my Parents Were but Who I AM! Well, atleast that's what I took from it. And while I am doing my best to be everything I can be and succeed on my own terms. Sometimes in my heart and soul I fall back to being that small little girl again. And I hurt thinking about why didn't they do this or why did they do that? But I really need to continue to focus on me. I would so love to be an N for a day!
I want to say I hope to give as much - if not more - than I take from this board. I don't feel to comfortbale responding to people right now. I am so full of questions myself - but i realize in some ways I can be of help. And I hope people will understand if I ask more than I speak right now. Maybe one day I will be able to be a big voice and help others. :D
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Dear SoS,
Someone made a point that it isn't relavant who my Parents Were but Who I AM! Well, atleast that's what I took from it. And while I am doing my best to be everything I can be and succeed on my own terms. Sometimes in my heart and soul I fall back to being that small little girl again. And I hurt thinking about why didn't they do this or why did they do that? But I really need to continue to focus on me. I would so love to be an N for a day!
What you got there was a very good message and very good councel. I'm so glad you came on board. Sorry for the awful hurt you have carried all these years. But Who You Are is the important thing. It sounds like you've done some serious thinking about how things were while growing up. I pretty much lost all my memories of growing up. I guess my mind was so overwhelmed it just went someplace else to 'be'. I was a quiet mousy child. I'm still trying to figure it all out. This place has helped me a lot.
What an interesting idea, I would so love to be an N for a day! Do you mind saying why you'd want that?
Welcome,
tt
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SoSmall,
One thing you said resonated so much with me. That when you feel berated, criticized, you feel you must be silent.
My N husband was very aggressive and loud when he got angry (he's borderline with lots of N traits). He would get really mad, stomp around and scream. One day he came at me when I was in an enclosed space in our basement. He just started coming toward me aggressively.
I shut down completely. Literally went to the floor and just sat there, hugging my knees. I didn't emerge for I don't know how long.
Later in therapy, my wonderful therapist explained to me that I had the choice here to rage back and get violent or to shut down. I am a gentle calm spirit and I didn't have it in me to do it back to him. Actually the therapist asked me point blank, what did you WANT to do at that point when he came at you? I said "Kill him." He said "AH, you couldn't do what you truly wanted to do, and something protective inside took over and you just went into a shell."
Now I've come very far and my voice is a great....not weapon...but protective device? Shield? I've learned to use it so that I don't get in situations like that anymore.
Much love and hugs,
Dandylife
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From TearTracks: What an interesting idea, I would so love to be an N for a day! Do you mind saying why you'd want that?
(I don't know how to reply with quote yet)
Maybe this is a be careful what you wish for thing. I would love to be able to say things I wanted without any thought of whether people liked me or not - b/c it's all about me, right? I would love to be able to stand up for myself. Like last night when a customer grabbed my wrist and said, "What's your name?" -- I wish I would know the words to say. I guess I don't really want to be an N for a day. I'd really love to know that my thoughts and feelings and instincts are correct. And to feel that whether I am right or I am wrong - what I have to say is important.
I wish when that man grabbed me last night I would have responded with "Do Not grab me!" Instead of silence b/c I was uncomfortable, worried about getting in trouble with my job if I said something rude, uneasy etc.....
That's why I say I don't know how to practice these things. Everything happens in real time. I never would have guessed that I would have been grabbed by a customer last night. When your parents constantly tell you that you are wrong and such as a child, it really sets you up to be hurt in the future. I wish in my heart and soul I automatically knew that it was wrong for that man to grab me. I didn't really know that till about 5 minutes later. When you are always wondering if someone else is right - and you are wrong - it robs your power. You don't even know the boundaries of what can and can't be done to you. You doubt everything you feel. By the time you figure out that you were right and that was wrong. It is over. it is too late.
I guess I don't want to be an N - I want to believe in me - right or wrong. I want to be able to say my thoughts - right or wrong.
Thank you for letting me explore my feelings on here.
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Hi, Hello to all. I am trying to change my inner voice right now. My automatic reactions to people and difficult situations.
Hello and welcome, SoSmall...I'm glad you came to join us here. It shows such maturity that you know you have "automatic reactions" in your relationships. Some people who have been so wounded, can't figure out WHAT they are doing when they respond to others. You are ahead of most in that observation.
When someone is treating me wrong - either by words or actions I do not speak. it is almost as if my mouth is sealed shut. I cannot voice my unhappiness. When someone yells at me - I become small. So very small.
This is where you will learn to have boundaries. Sometimes it's ok to be silent and not respond, but other times it is ok and necessary to say "hey, that was mean. please stop that."
When I grew up I had 2 odd parents. My mother didn't want anything to do with me. She would go months on end without talking to me. It was as if I didn't exist.
Yes. This is called "withdrawl of affection" and "dissociation" on your mother's part.
There was no anger - there was just nothing. When I was about 20 she admitted to me she had believed her child (ME) would be and act a certain way. Even look a certain way. I was nothing like that
Generally, from my experience, Narcissists deny how they feel, but I think occasionally they WILL let you know that you don't fit their "mold" of what they "want." In my case, Kay would decide she wanted me to do something or be some way, and then be angry when I tried to do it, or accuse me of trying to get accolades from her. Either way, no matter what you do, you will NEVER please someone who is like your mother.
and after that she only saw me as someone that took away from her free time. I wasn't what she wanted so she didn't want me at all.
Ok, see, once again, in my experience, a narcissist doesn't TRULY want you to be anything other than her exact CLONE, and yet, if you ARE able to clone yourself into her, she RESENTS seeing 'her self, her image" in your actions/looks, etc...and, thus, considers you worthy of being punished for even "trying to be like" her. It's weird; a no-win situation.
"What makes you think I care about the pittily little things that go on in your life?"
How cruel! Yes, they do say crud like that though. They always strive to make you feel like you are BENEATH them and not worthy of their time...or, at least not AS WORTHY as someone else who is currently giving them more narcissistic supply (possibly a favorite sibling, a friend, etc)
My father, for as long as I remember, felt the need to point out everything I did wrong. I was always supposed to know what would make him mad ahead of time and not do it.
Yes, Narcissists expect you to be a "mind-reader" or, as Kay always said "one step ahead of me at all times."
Thing is everything made him mad. I cannot overstate how everything I did was wrong. When I won honors in a highschool jornalism contest in my city, I was told (yelled at for hours) that it was a waste of time b/c I needed to focus on my math skills to get through college.
Yep. Everything you do IS wrong in their brains. It's like this:
Narc: "bring me my coffee cup on that table, since you can't seem to figure out that I'd want coffee, you stupid child, you."
child: "i'm sorry I didn't know you wanted it, mom
Narc: "well, if you weren't so caught up in your own issues, you would have thought of MY needs, now wouldn't you?" (projection...it's actually Narc who isn't thinking of YOUR needs, but, since they can't bear to admit they are selfish, they try to convince YOU that YOU are to blame)
child: (brings coffee to N-mother)
Narc: "what the he** are you doing, you imbusil!???"
child: "I was getting you your coffee, mom."
Narc: "Did I ASK you for coffee??? DID I? Now, get away from me and go wash the dishes, and next time, don't get me ANYTHING unless I say so, do you UNDERSTAND?"
child: "yes ma'am."
I remember about age 5 or so making my mom a card and putting it in the mail box. I was so proud and couldn't wait to hear her go get the mail. All I did was get yelled at b/c I was apparently going to confuse the mail lady with my crayon card.
That's what they do to you. They belittle and criticize everything you do, so that you are never sure where the heck you stand.
Once when I waited for the mail lady to offer her coffee because it was so cold outside, my mom said to me, "Why would you do that? She probably thinks you are so stupid? I bet she dumped that coffee out before she got to the next house."
TOTALLY CRUEL AND FALSELY TEACHING YOU TO BELIEVE THAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK ILL OF YOU JUST BECAUSE NARC DOES
So where am I now? I doubt everything. I doubt every thought I have. Or word to come out my mouth. I hesitate b/c I think it is wrong.
Sos, this is very understandable. You were "programmed" to believe that.
. I don't know if a board about Narc parents is where I need to be. I think so.
I think so, but you follow what your inner voice is telling you. For me, this is Holy Spirit.
The final straw was when I got engaged and my mom belittled me for about 20 minutes over the phone when I told her. She even went as far as to say she didn't really believe he wanted to marry me
That's between him and you.
and told me she wasn't going to go if I had it out of state like I planned.
HER loss, certainly NOT YOURS!
That was her real issue she didn't want to travel. I wanted soooo bad at age 33 STILL to get some love and attention from her.
Please take this kindly from me...people need to stop expecting from dysfunctional folks what they never had in them to give. Expecting a crazy person to act sane is not healthy in itself. Expect dysfunctional people to act nuts. That's all they know how to do.
everything was all about my mom. Didn't matter at all how hurt I was - all that mattered was how my mom felt.
Right...and you don't need to play that "game"
. I refused to reinvite my mom. My father didn't come and my sister just sort of disapearred. I had NO family at my wedding.
Again, please do not take this unkindly. Even if your "sister" "mother" "father" (and I entitle them those dear names VERY LOOSELY) did come to your wedding, you still would have had NO FAMILY there. People who treat you that way are not FAMILY, period. As hard as this is to accept, they NEVER WERE FAMILY...a family doesn't treat you like that.
Are these narc parents? Or just mean parents? Either way I know how they treated me took my voice away? I don;t know how to get it back. How do you practice that? Things like that happen in real time? How can you practice for unknown situations? Thanks so much for reading all this drama - So Small
First of all, this wasn't DRAMA. This was your life as you experienced it. Thank you for trusting us with it. Secondly, YES this happens in real time, a LOT of the time. There are Narcissistic, abusive, neglectful, and even "golden child" homes all over the world, in every culture and practice known to mankind!
How to get your voice back? First, have NO CONTACT with the dysfunctional folks in your life, if possible. Secondly, read encouraging books like, the Bible, The Language of Letting Go, and others that talk about healing childhood wounds. Many people on here can suggest some others. Thirdly, take one second at a time and spend your time finding out who YOU are, apart from ANYTHING those creatures tried to turn you into. Ask yourself what flavors YOU like, what YOU enjoy doing, how YOU think about things in life. You being to learn who YOU are as a person and those evil beings will NEVER steal your SELF from you again! GUARANTEED!
~Laura