Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: gratitude28 on August 16, 2007, 05:04:34 PM
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I understand completely that it has nothing to do with me... I am just not that interesting. It's not hate or anger, it's just boredom. Kind of weird to realize this...
Love, Beth
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Actually you are really interesting. But no, not to an N.
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Beth?
Could you please run that by me one more time?
You are utterly fascinating compared to me :)
Hope
P.S. on edit... I just remembered... Beth, when are your parents coming? Are they there now?
((((((((Beth)))))))) honestly, you are not boring. My parents act bored with me, too... but hey, they are bored with anyone who already knows their game.
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Beth,
Take a break. Go for a walk. Kick the garbage can - whatever it takes, but don't believe that lie that you're boring. Get back with us, OK? You've been through so many transitions these last months. That can just suck your energy.
Sending love to you and yours,
tt
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Dear Beth,
Any person who is 'real' is not boring. They are interesting----- always. Trust yourself about what your parents are like. You know the truth down deep .Maybe,it is just easier ( and less painful) to BLAME YOURSELF.
Didn't we DO this as kids?. It was MUCH easier for me to hate myself than to face the truth about them.I totally turned on myself. It was better than seeing the evil in them . I did not have the strength to see or face the evil. Now, I do. I think that you are just wanting them to be different. You are feeling so hopeless about the reality.It IS awful. It is HORRIBLE. No one should have parents like this.You sound like a loving and sensitive person. You are in my prayers.,Beth. Love
Ami
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((((((((((((((((((((((((Thank you))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I wasn't meaning to sound negative. I mean it really. All the negative emotions I feel are of my own creation. I guess what I meant to say is that she doesn't do this maliciously, she is just a self-centered cow. Is that clearer???? Truly. It is a moment of clarity. And it hasn't been that bad in some ways. And it has been great to see my dad. Also, she is on better behavior since my husband is around. But she is rude and it amazes me. The things she tells/told me not to do are EXACTLY what she does. And to think I blamed myself for doing wrong all these years.
I know this sounds scattered. I feel a bit scattered. I feel like I understand more and I am so much more in control of my emotions. At the same time, I am astounded at how she can hide her true self at times.
Love you all.
Beth
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(((((((((((((((((((Beth)))))))))))))))))))))
tt
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It might not work for everyone, depending on the circumstances, but I have put all toxic people in my life away over there on the other side of the fence. There is dead, brown grass. I don't hate them, as I am too busy fixing myself.
On MY side of the fence there is lush green grass (that will never require cutting) and my side of the fence is white (don't know theirs--likely it is bare wood.)
They must stay there and NOT talk to me as I am the one who will allow a conversation, on my side, as I take my time to put my life together the way it actually played out so that I can end up not hating anyone.
I try to think of them as having parents and grandparents and siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins, and poverty, and too much wealth, and physical problems, maybe fell through the hole in the outhouse, lived in a time when they died early in life and likely never knew about psychology, so no one is really to BLAME.
Only one sister of mine, I believe, hates me and that will never change because I am on to her and she will never admiit the truth. I don't hate her, but feel pity for her. She will not be part of my 'healing'.
Izzy
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Dear Beth,
Do you suppose that "boring" or "interesting" is a matter of having shared interests with someone or not? Personally I love hearing what you have to say because I find you interesting:)
X Bella
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Beth,
I can honestly say I have never in my life come across a more interesting bunch of people than the ones on this board - AND THAT INCLUDES YOU!!!
You have said so many interesting, insightful things to me (sometimes not actually to me, but I look out for your posts to others, too).
Is it a trait of N survivors that we are very interesting people, but we can't see it? Or that we don't want to see ourselves the way the N's did, at least?
Janet
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Pre therapy I found people who took care of themselves boring, people who had boundaries, this was a long long time ago. Now I realise that I was boring, same old cycle of looking for excitement etc. As I mature I find people with boundaries and an ability to take care of themselves mature and REAL and I am working my butt off to get over to their side of the fence.
I know that Ns hate people with boundaries, they are envious of their groundedness, they are jealous of their ability to enjoy the simple things of life, to be able to be themselves and not put on a falseness to gain attention. When an N finds one boring I would take it as a compliment, it means they have to reject the realness of you.
axa
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dear Axa,
You gave me my answer of 'why my M hated my "core". It was b/c it was "real". I wanted to have values-- that is "real". I wanted to have bonding-- that is "real". I wanted to have self respect and self nurturing--- that is "real'. THAT is what she was trying to destroy b/c she does not know HOW to have it so she does not want to see it in anyone else.She hated anything REAL.
Now, I see why she mocks my relationships with my kids and dogs. She really mocks the dogs one. She always has to tell me that her patients( the really, really screwed up ones) LOVE their animals, as if bonding with an animal and being REALLY screwed up go hand in hand . Love Ami
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"All the negative emotions I feel are of my own creation." Beth, I don't understand this statement. Could you explain?
towrite
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AMi,
I think Ns hate anything real. It creates terribly anxiety for them because they do not understand realness and of course they have to be in contol of everything ALL the time. So here is there person who has feelings they cannot control. It is mad making stuff for them. I was touched when you said you wanted real bonding. This is also what I wanted with XN and infuriated him. I kept looking for a connection with him, which of course was not possible. The more I looked the angrier he got because he knew there was nothing there. I was inadvertently showing him this. It must be so terrible realise that you are an empty person, less than human, imo. Xn used to tell me that I was holding up a mirror to him and he did not want to see what was in that mirror. He wanted to continue the lie, to play "lets pretend I am a nice person". Nearly feel sorry for him as I write this, but not quite!
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I kept looking for a connection with him, which of course was not possible. The more I looked the angrier he got because he knew there was nothing there.
that explains a lot to me, Axa, about all the misery and yearning and confusion I'd feel with Nbfs. I just didn't get it how we could be sexual, cook together, laugh, socialize, even travel...but ultimately, nothing there and nobody home.
love
Hops
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Hops,
I had a discussion with a group recently on Crime/Justice/Punishment. The topic moved to people who don't care about anyone and who will do anything to get what they want. I asked the group if they thought there were people out there who had no conscience, to my amazement most of them said that they had encountered someone like this in their lives. Only, one person in the group of 10 said that they believed there was good in everyone. The others described experiences of having known people who would stop at nothing, who cared about noone but themselves, in essence they described Ns. This was a real mixed bunch of people, age, gender etc. While they did not use the word Narcissism this is what they were talking about. They were also very clear about not wanting anything to do with this type of person. Seems the world is waking up to Ns, feel a bit comforted by this.
axa
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towrite,
Sorry to take so long to answer your question. I had to get through the visit and then detox for a bit. It was a crazy-making visit in that she hid her true colors for the most part. I think she was careful because my husband and my dad were here and she doesn't like to piss of men, especially. She fancies that my husband thinks she is special, too, I am sure.
At any rate, I mean that while I envision that she has these malicious thoughts about me all the time, almost all of the time she is really completely unconcerned about me. And when I said I was boring, I meant to her (although sometimes I do start to feel it when I let it sneak through...). She changes the subject whenever I bring up something she doesn't know about, calls my sister constantly (yet she says she "forgets" that she can call me - and whenever she does, she says she has to use a calling card or some such thing). My parents took the kids to an amusement park and she had to call my sister and laugh and giggle with her on the phone about this and that for a half an hour while there. Basically, every rude thing that she has told me not to do, she does while with me.
I also caught her in a million lies and heard a million made-up stories. Now that I know she lies, it is so easy to see it. And my family - mother, father and sister, delight in ragging on people - something I do not enjoy at all. If I don't like a person, I stay away. What is the point of surrounding yourself with annoying people and then bitching about them? They love the drama, all of them. I think it is juvenile and stupid. I left high-school a long time ago. My sister loves to come home from work and talk about how annoying her patients were. My mother told me about this dream that she had where she was trying to go do something she wanted and an old lady fell in front of her and, because she is a nurse she felt she had to help and she was so irritated that she had to waste her time helping the person.
She also made statements all week, like "Your kids probably don't even know who Adma and Eve are," "There's a pretty song on the radio, I know you won't play THAT one," and so on...
And, by the way, my kids proceeded to tell her about Adam and Eve (they have read the kids' version of the Bible and we talk about it, of course). And the song I had glossed over was a Weird Al song I thought she might not enjoy... but I played it for her since she "asked." I didn't let her get to me and she pulled no really crazy moves this time.
My kids had a great visit with my parents - they adore my dad. They asked why they couldn't stay longer - I don't think they figured out that my parents are going on vacation with their friends and decided they couldn't spare more than thee days. My daughter explained to my son that they "had to go back to work."
There's my story. If you made it through, thank you!!!!!
Love, Beth
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woah Ami, you are spot on!
you are so right; my N parents hated anything REAL; real feelings, real problems, oh no we don't talk about or face THOSE!
i think thats why my N F has always bullied me; i've been 'real' since i was a kid !
real bonding is definately one that i always wanted, too, and never, ever got.
thank you for your insight!!
~enough
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Dear Enough,
I read Sociopaths Among Us"It put in to perspective what I want for my life. I want and value bonding. MY M so "stole my guts out from me"that I did not KNOW what I wanted or who I was.
This book showed me that I value bonding
My M ridiculed me for this that I did not even know that it was important( the most important value) that I have.
She made me feel like I was "stupid" and 'naive" for wanting bonding. So, I thought that I didn't even want it. Now, I see that this idea was ALL from her---- not me.
The Trick-in healing (IMO)is to undo ALL of the old N ideas. So much easier said than done--- HUH? Love to you Ami