Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Gaining Strength on August 17, 2007, 01:49:49 PM
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I am at a new stage in my healing process.
I am starting over in some very specific ways. I have not been living in my house for several months and it is a complete wreck. Although I have made numerous attempts to face my problem for some time I have found myself overwhelmed time and again.
I began truly getting in there and doing something this past weekend. It is difficult - not the least because there is no AC working and we have had triple digit temperatures for 10 days now. I called the AC people Tuesday. They were scheduled to come today between 10 and 12. It is no past 1. It was way too hot to wait inside, so I left and am awaiting a call from them before I return.
The real difficulty is the emotional trauma that I have to overcome to "start over". The shame that I have operated under for so many years has left deep scars and great fear. I have really made progress in that front and now must figure out how to "be" now that shame is not my controlling emotion.
That is surprisingly difficult. I am approaching this enterprise as though I have found an abandoned home that has been trashed but that with some loving care can be put in right order. That really helps.
While cleaning I am bumping into the nightmarish emotional experiences that have crippled me through out my life. And I want to come here and work through them. But I am being called back to my house now so I will come again soon.
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Hugs, GS... I hope you've been called back by the a/c people!
Looking forward to sharing those "bumpys" with you and comparing notes, working them through.
No doubt we have many such hurdles in common.
With love,
Hope
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Many thanks Hope.
Yesterday when I went to pick my little boy up at camp I witnessed him reach a point in climbing a wall when he was ready to give up but was able to be encouraged to go just beyond his comfort level. And I saaw it again when we were at the waterfront - he passed a water treading test that he had not been able to up until that point. By passing that test a whole portal of opportunities opened up to him. He got to ride the zip line - over a cabin across the sailing dock and into the water. He got to use the rope swing into the water and to get into a canoe. I heard an adult remark how the counselors and campers encourage each other to push past thier comfort zone and achieve the next level. It was a powerful experience for me. I found something to tap into that I can use to push myself forward. Until I got somewhat beyond my shame and anxiety "pushing" was actually counterproductive but now, ever so gently, and with great encouragement I can finally begin to push myself.
As I was cleaning some filth at my house earlier today I got a little clarity about how my emotional programming has entrapped me. In cleaning I am shamed that things ever needed cleaning. The message is something like this, "You don't deserve better, if you did you would have better." I don't know the exact source of that message but I know it was programmed into me in childhood and I know it is the source of enormous resentment, shame and anger not to mention sense of undeserving. And, of course, I have lived into that undeserving.
"The only way out is through" keeps ringing in my ears. I am going back through all that darkness but this time it is not in an eternal loop but it is on the path out. None-the-less it is still painful and of course it triggers all those old fears off stuckedness. And so it takes an enormous amount of energy to overcome the well accustomed patterns of fear and hopelessness.
Now the AC people are hours late and it is getting into the time to pick my child up and that in and of itself creates some problems. I must remain positive but I am so terribly disappointed. I called on Tuesday and here it is late friday. I really need them to come before this weekend. But part of my great disappointment is that I cannot work in the oppressive heat. It was simply too much for me and so I have lost yet another day's work.
One of my struggles is to keep from getting thrown emotionally into the dark place that I have lived for the past several years. Something about that house does that. it ties into something that I got in touch with earlier this week. The waiting to be bailed out. Waiting to grow up.
Years ago a male relative said something to me about women waiting for prince charming to come rescue them. That offended my feminist sensibilities and yet I saw some truth in that concerning myself but still could not reconcile that with my philosophy. But recently I saw it again. I have been waiting all of these years for someone to rescue me. I have been waiting for my parents to rescue me, I waited for a husband to rescue me and I have waited again for some outside force to rescue me. I needed rescueing because I did not have the where-with-all to save myself. In part I lacked that ability (at least psychologically) because my parents made sure that I did not have what I needed to be self-sufficient. NOW I KNOW!!! That is part of the control that my parents held over me. That is part of their Nism and as a teen I relinquished that control even while rebelling because I so desparately believed that there was a pain off. Unfortunately all of this was deeply unconscious until now.
This is definitely part of my struggle financially. Over and over my father would not let me provide for myself when I was a teen and when I was in my 20s. Each and every time I tried to take care of myself financially he would give me advice that was terribly encumbering and of course I had NO clue what was going on and felt bound to comply with his suggests. Why not? He was my father and he was a successful business man with standing in the community. Each and every time I would try to do something on my own concerning insurance or banking or anything he would oppose it and demand that I fallow his suggestions. I had no clue that I was getting in over my head nor that he never intended to help me in any way financially as was the custom in my family and among my piers. I was left floundering in every way.
When my husband died, leaving my no insurance and no sercuity at all no one in my family came to my assistance. No one told me what I needed to do to resolve financial issues or things concerning the house or insurance or anything and I sank into deeper and deeper depression and became completely paralyzed. Now after so many years I have found my way through so much of the psychological mess and now I have to deal with the physical mess and financial mess. I am ready but it is still a llittle frightening - just facing that old emotional patterns is frightening in and of itself and learning to completely repattern my thouoghts and emotions is a big task. But I watched my child do the very thing that I must do and I now have a model. I can use my imagination to see people encouraging me forward each step of the way and when I get stuck I will give myself lattitude to fall back, regroup and try again.
I can do it. It is frightening. But I know I can do it.
My therapists and I talked about another realization I had. I am moving out of "needing to prove myself" to accomplishing things because I enjoy the accomplishment. For my whole life every action has been one that I scrutinized with a judgement of the most critical enemy. That one thing has taken the greatest toll. Now I must change this thought process. I should be overjoyed at gaining this insight and at the prospect of it but I am still battling that fear of old patterns. I know I will get past it and am glad to have a place to bring my fears and share them out loud.
Moving on - step by step.
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I can do it. It is frightening. But I know I can do it.
this is like a mantra for me GS it really is....
It sounds overwhelming but all we can do is break things down into what we can manage each year, each week, each day, each moment.
Someone used the phrase 'Queen of Lists' yesterday, I make a lot of lists when I can't do anything else I put it on paper.
YOUR COMMENTS ABOUT FINANCE hit me like a train! for I am just the same right now GS, floundering a little and only getting bad advice or ripped off.
Last week I was solid in my determination to undertake a loan and go back to college next spring.
I told ex who is now thinking of changing jobs ( ! ) I got an unexpected $1200 insurance bill in the mail last night when I got home, of course I've got to move again next month....
Suddenly I am finding myself second-guessing and self-doubting and what-if-ing.
September is the first month I won't have enough money to pay all my bills since I have been single.
I could ask ex to help, I know he would, but I have decided not to. I have to start facing my own problems independently of him, and only consulting him when it's about our son.
He said quite a few negative things about college ( which is why we had the huge fight- it turned into me gettign furious about all the times he's undermined me in the past ) and he'll use my struggling financially as a lever to try to prevent me going.
It isn't even conscious with him half the time and he can't help it, but it's a habit which isn't going to change, and one which does me a lot of damage.
Over and over my father would not let me provide for myself when I was a teen and when I was in my 20s.
how infuritating; my father was the same but wouldn't provide FOR me either, one of the reasons I am so independent now is it's a direct 'up yours' to a man who manipulated so much of that time of my life.
So this month I'm going to bite the bullet of getting my own finances straight, which may take a few weeks, and I'm going to keep going to therapy to stick on course and get good support too. If I said that to ex he'd say immediately 'cancel it, you can't afford it' yet right now it would be like cancelling dialysis- I know I will get sick if I don't work through all these stress-sources and also come up with a working relationship with my ex.
Son goes back to school in a few days, I'll advertise for more work then.
My sympathy for you in the heat with no a/c dear GS, it is so hot and humid this part of the world.
We got heavy rain and flooding yesterday
( http://www.chron.com/news/photogallery/Erin_Brings_Flooding.html
I was where picture 7 was taken! )
That has cooled things a bit.
But I almost lost my car yesterday, had to do some very quick thinking and sidewalk-driving to escape rising floodwaters in a back-street, after that I pulled onto a dry parking lot and waited until the storm calmed down, watching everyone else racing about and getting stuck. Which is a perfect metaphor for life come to think of it.
Two hours later I had walked to get a sandwich and the waters had drained and I could leave, Houston was total chaos and I was very thankful I didn't get any big expense or worse from it all.
Afterwards I was shaking, but it did show me- I CAN think things through and depend on myself.
You can too.
Love to you
~W
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Dear GS,
Maybe it's not so much about pushing, as it is... stretching.
Stretching your compassion for yourself to encompass this current setback.
Stretching your imagination in possible ways to circumvent the delay in the a/c repair... or just to put it on hold while you tend to other things.
Can you borrow or rent a small window unit and limit your activity in the house to one room at a time until the repairs are completed?
(sorry, ever practical over here)
You know... your ability to express disappointment right now, over this latest obstacle, is a wonderful thing in itself, to me. You're not frozen or paralyzed, or stuck... your eager to enjoy this next accomplishment.
If your anticipation were not outweighing your fears, you wouldn't be disappointed.
How's that for an outlook? :)
(((((((((GS)))))))) You CAN do it! You just don't have to do it in triple digits.
Much love to you,
Hope
P.S. Write... that was "Mistress of lists" :) I'm so thankful you're safe!
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GS,
It is interesting the house thing! In the penuntimate year with Xn we both built houses. His huge and fancy with lots of expensive flash things. Mine, small, simple, uncomplicated. The difference did strike me many times. Our energy was taken up with his house, mine happened without any conflict or angst. When my house was finished I was shocked by how simple and beautiful it was, so plain yet lovely. It did dawn on me that it was a projection of how I wanted my home to be, the anthitises of his, not full of things, lots of space, colour in paintings and without any flash. No pastiche............ it was how I wanted my life to be, not pretending to be something it was not. I sit here now and admire the simplicity of it, the lack of complication, the relief of not waiting anymore, the freedom to be myself in it......... how strange that we unconsciously make what we want when consciously we cannot do it.
No need for Ac here but I do hope your ac people arrived. Thinking of you making new beginnings.
axa
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axa - will you expand on this a little?
how strange that we unconsciously make what we want when consciously we cannot do it.
Hope - stretching.
I love this concept.
I do have one window unit. Ever practical you are.
WRITE - this is like a mantra for me GS it really is....
it is for me as well but how comforting it is to know it is for you. It makes me feel not so alone.
I could ask ex to help, I know he would, but I have decided not to.
I so support you here. I completely agree that the N part of him has to undermine you. It is definitely not worth allowing him to "use my struggling financially as a lever to try to prevent me going. " It is very tragic that you cannot ask for help and get it - free and clear - with no questions and no undermining but I am determined to move to a place where I am able and willing to rely on myself and not lllloooonnnngggg for someone to help me.
But I almost lost my car yesterday, had to do some very quick thinking and sidewalk-driving to escape rising floodwaters in a back-street,
My heavens WRITE. That is unbelievable!! How shocking!! I'm so glad you are safe !!
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[qYears ago a male relative said something to me about women waiting for prince charming to come rescue them. That offended my feminist sensibilities and yet I saw some truth in that concerning myself but still could not reconcile that with my philosophy. But recently I saw it again. I have been waiting all of these years for someone to rescue me. I have been waiting for my parents to rescue me, I waited for a husband to rescue me and I have waited again for some outside force to rescue me. I needed rescueing because I did not have the where-with-all to save myself. In part I lacked that ability (at least psychologically) because my parents made sure that I did not have what I needed to be self-sufficient. NOW I KNOW!!! That is part of the control that my parents held over me. That is part of their Nism and as a teen I relinquished that control even while rebelling because I so desparately believed that there was a pain off. Unfortunately all of this was deeply unconscious until now
Dear Gs,
I can so relate to wanting to be rescued. I feel very low,right now-- very inept and not "knowing" how to live. I feel very discouraged. I was not taught anything about how to be "emotionally" .All I ever had to worry about was --- "Was my M happy.? That was all I ever was taught--- not how to value myself, nurture myself or have self respect. It was ALL about taking care of HER. I really hate her so,much right now. i guess that is immature.but right now I am simply hurting LOve Ami
Ami
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When my house was finished I was shocked by how simple and beautiful it was, so plain yet lovely. It did dawn on me that it was a projection of how I wanted my home to be, the anthitises of his, not full of things, lots of space, colour in paintings and without any flash. No pastiche............ it was how I wanted my life to be, not pretending to be something it was not. I sit here now and admire the simplicity of it, the lack of complication, the relief of not waiting anymore, the freedom to be myself in it.........
Axa,
That is so beautiful... and so very much what I've always wanted in comparison to the shock and awe of N's really big show.
What is pastiche?
I can look it up, but I bet your definition will be better! Thanks... for the lovely image and a revelation of a truth that's always been vital to me.
With love,
Hope
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Mistress of lists" I'm so thankful you're safe!
of course it was :oops:
Thank you.
It is very tragic that you cannot ask for help and get it - free and clear - with no questions and no undermining
GS I can't ask for anything free and clear from ex! He's 'as good as it gets' ( a phrase church guy used about himself which was the turning point for me with him, incidentally ) and that's I'll do anything for you so long as it's on my terms and gets the results I want.
I feel very low,right now-- very inept and not "knowing" how to live.
it's hard at first Ami, and then each uphill climb is a setback.
Just keep going. That's what I'm doing.
I feel like I totally screwed my life up a lot of the time, and can't believe that I squandered my youth and my health on a hopeless cause. But who knows, it's all part of a bigger picture, I have my son ( albeit I don't like him much either lately ) and we can look to the future with hope...
Don't lose hope, that's the main thing.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
CH I got the book someone said the Sarah Breathnach 'Moving On' it's all about dream homes and environments, creating the place to really live.
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[and my health on a hopeless cause. But who knows, it's all part of a bigger picture, I have my son ( albeit I don't like him much either lately ) and we can look to the future with hope...
Dear WRITE.
That is sooo cute about your son---. Don't we all--as parents -- feel that way ,at times Love Ami
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Dear Write,
Feels like my surroundings - my house - moved on before I did... I think as Axa said:
"how strange that we unconsciously make what we want when consciously we cannot do it."
I just didn't begin to live here, and make it my external home, until I opened my eyes and began to feel at home within myself.
Love,
Hope
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"But I watched my child do the very thing that I must do and I now have a model."
... and a little child shall lead them.
Isn't it amazing what we can do/are willing to do when we don't have all that contamination inside of us???
towrite
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"But I watched my child do the very thing that I must do and I now have a model."
... and a little child shall lead them.
Isn't it amazing what we can do/are willing to do when we don't have all that contamination inside of us???
towrite
Oh, yes! All the doubts and fears and confusion surrounding my own view of how I've raised my children are washed away when I look at them and see the beauty, the possibilities, the strength and willingness to be challenged... of little ones who were raised with love. Despite all of my ignorance, they've remained uncontaminated... simply because I've loved them. God made them so flexible, so very forgiving and generous and gentle and tender... and all of that is activated by genuine caring... not the phony stuff dished out to me by those who only wanted an accessory.
I am so thankful. (((((((((()))))))))))
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I came to post but as I read each of these entries I felt as though I stepped into the garden where several charming flowers had bloomed over night. I didn't really want to disturb the beauty. Such precious little gems have opened here since I was here last.
I am tired as is often the case. I struggle with severe candidiasis and hypoadrenia. The biggest culprit for the candidiasis is what I eat. And while I am pretty good about it occassionally I have a small slit but even a small slip has substantial consequences. And those consequences add to the fatigue associated with hypo adrenia. As I get stronger, I am better able to handle these two health issues.
The hypoadrenia is a direct result of stress - stress being the direct result of growing up with Ns. Each and every moring before I get up I spent quiet time in bed wrestling with my demons finding a quiet place in my mind where I can rise up above those dark places and find strength and encouragement. My neutral place of being is one where quivers of fear run through me. (No wonder my adrenal glands are worn out.) I am working on replacing that default position with oone of confidence. Today I found a voice of "mother" who was strong and gentle, kind and encouraging. She will help me overcome the fear moments. Fear over what? Well unfortunately over everything - over cleaning up, over the activities ahead of me today, over facing my fears.
As I was cleaning up behind my cats this morning I flashed back to times in my youth when I would tell my mother that I had made a mess and she would begin to yell. "look what you've done. Why did you do that? You've ruined everything." and on and on and on. That's what I internalized and that's what I - after all of these years of feelilng it and believing it - must let go of. I am ready to do that.
I was thinking this morning that I need to erect a barrier to protect myself from my mother. She has no, ZERO boundaries and constantly invades mine. If I erect a barrier then I can go out and be kind to her because I will feel protected. She clearly had no such barriers when I was young - she would just rail if I did something she didn't like. She wouldn't help me learn to fix things she just screamed about it. She didn't do things with me she didn't take me to buy makeup or get my hair done. She has never shopped with me. I'm not a big shopper or any of those other things but I do wish my mother had done some of those things with me. I do wish I had had someone as sometime to do "girl" things with. I am glad to be in a second stage where I can really get at the issues that have held me back for so long.
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Hi GS,
I think the drive to win a parent's approval or love is so powerful. This was a very key thing for me in your post:
I would tell my mother that I had made a mess and she would begin to yell. "look what you've done. Why did you do that? You've ruined everything."
Perhaps one reason you had trouble maintaining your house and allowed the mess to build was to (unconsciously) say to her: See mother, I need you to love me so much that I'll show you that you are right. See how I've let everything go to ruin? I am showing you I agree with you, now will you love me and take me shopping like other mothers do?
My Nbrother is here. Another "surprise" visit. In subtle ways he always behaves as though he's "checking up on me." Ugghhh.
love
Hops
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I'd never heard of hypoadrenia but felt as tho' I've looked for the term for years. What do you do for it? I researched it and cortisol reducation and found the two on many of the same websites. Do you take anything?
towrite
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Hops - I am certain that you have something there. I am interested to see how this will begin to loose the binds and free me rom such inaction on the cleaning and straightening front.
What!!!! Your brother is visiting???? How in the world it that going?????
towrite - I stumbled across Dr. James Wilson's book "Adrenal Fatgue" a year ago and shortly after began taking some supplements that he created. I personally have found good results from them. I also learned this summer that a magnesium deficiency really works against the adrenals and that magnesium can be very calming. So I sometimes remember to take epsom salt baths and drink a powder drink called CALM. These things have definitely help me.
Here's a web site that I have gotten information from www.adrenalfatigue.org.
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Dear Hops,
That was VERY PROFOUND. Wow, I did that with sickness. I thought that if I was sick enough, my M would come and take care of me.(I am STILL waiting lol)
GS-- My mother took me shopping,but it did not change the N messages very much. I would LOVE to take you shopping., GS
GS I used to have bad candida and stressed adrenals. I eat raw food and juice vegetables and fruit. I usually feel good. Also, I take Maca( in the raw form-) which is a powdered food( vegetable I think) that gives you very,very good energy. I mix it with juice(apple is the best tasting)
Also, a supplement called Super food by Dr Schultz.His number is 1800 HERB DOC.This is the BEST supplement( green powder) for energy.
For a very fearful person(lol), I feel good.
The fear is really hard to get rid of. All I can think to do is meditate on the Scripture--- Perfect love casts out fear"
I think that we are so afraid b/c we were never cared for properly when we were actually afraid ,as kids. We were shamed when we were afraid.Also, I think that I am very angry under the fear.
What kinds of things are you afraid of? Love Ami
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Ami - thanks for the tips on energy. I will definitely look into this. I am sitting here nurturing my tiredness and using visualizations and affirmations to progress. I have to take my child to a birthday party this afternoon and just looked up the address. It is at the boy's grandparent's house. I am in a little shock. it is right next door to a former friend, my son's god mother. The person who quit talking to me 11 months after my husband died, and who talked other friends (whom I had introduced her to) into cutting me out as well. She had reason. I was in the midst of a manic state brought on in reaction to medications. I was not sleeping and was angry but I never expressed anger to her. She simply quit speaking to me and quit taking my phone calls. It was devastating. My T who knows her recently told me she was an N. When we examined her treatment of several people once close to her I saw how true it was. It is very sad, very, very sad. I am surprised that I am not nervous and not afraid. It is a very short street in a very exclusive, gated neighborhood. There are only 3 houses on the street. I wonder if I will see her. It won't matter. I am so glad to see how much healing has transpired in my life. I am very thankful.
I agree that the fear is hard to get rid of. Mine is simply perpetual. It exists unattached to anything. It just is. It actually took me many, many years to even recognize that I lived in a state of fear and anxiety. I've only known that for a year or so. But mine is definitely getting better. I am at a point where I can look at it - face to face - any time. Even recently it was so bad that I simply had to do ANYTHING to try to get away from it. Now I can look at it and call it by name and try to calm myself and encourage myself. That is truly great progress. A week ago I snapped at my son and immediately realized that I did it out of my own anxiety. That was a helpful insight and it happened very quickly. I am very thankful to be making progress.
Maybe a more specific answer is that I am afraid of judgement, rejection, condemnation. Those three cover about everything. I have come to understand that my fear of those actually locks me into them so now I try to befriend them. It helps. I'm not so afraid of them.
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[qMaybe a more specific answer is that I am afraid of judgement, rejection, condemnation. Those three cover about everything. I have come to understand that my fear of those actually locks me into them so now I try to befriend them. It helps. I'm not so afraid of them.
Dear GS,
THAT is so, so profound. I think that you are maing great progress, GS . I send a big hug to you
Love Ami
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((((((((Gaining Strength))))))))
I'm just reading and following along here, with not much to contribute at the moment, but one thought...
I'm wondering,
Hops, when you said -
Quote:
" Perhaps one reason you had trouble maintaining your house and allowed the mess to build was to (unconsciously) say to her:
'See mother, I need you to love me so much that I'll show you that you are right. See how I've let everything go to ruin? I am showing you I agree with you, now will you love me and take me shopping like other mothers do?' "
I'm relating to that very strongly, but from a different perspective (or maybe it's the same? but I don't think so)...
Often, these days, I'm feeling very resistent to "doing" ... whatever it might be - the dutiful sort of stuff, like cleaning the messes.
I'd thought that this resistence was a natural consequence to my breaking of some serious compulsive, perfectionistic inclinations,
BUT now, I feel like it's more related to the desire to be loved and accepted for who I am,
rather than what I do.
And I think I just answered my own question.
"I'd thought" .... but now "I feel"... aha.
wow.
Thank you, ladies...
Hugs,
Hope
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GS, Hope--
I'm so glad this topic is afloat again.
I've made higgledy-piggledy strides. I guess those wouldn't be "strides". More like, lurches.
I think banging myself over the head about it hasn't helped...but what helps more often is when I approach the 2 square feet, is to focus on a happy vision for those two square feet.
Decluttered, things gotten rid of not just moved, then cleaned.
Two. Square. Feet.
Ridiculous, but whatever it takes.
love,
Hops
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I think that you are making great progress, GS
Thanks Ami. I'm really fealing it. As I walked along the sidewalk with my child today I was thinking that I really like who I am. The parts of me that I have not liked for so long have been the parts that were reacting to the N experiences of my childhood.
And I think I just answered my own question.
"I'd thought" .... but now "I feel"... aha.
I love it! Way to go Hope! Way to go.
focus on a happy vision for those two square feet.
I like that very, very much Hops. I think I'll borrow that. Yes indeed.
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lol... GS, Hops...
You know those lovely online tests...
well 4 of them so far have agreed that I am exactly 50/50 right/left brain.
So while the right side lurches and the left side higgledy-piggledys, one way or t'another we'll all meet in the middle someday! :)
Wandering haphazardly away now, muttering... "I think"... "but I feel"; "no, I feel..."... "but I think!"... but... :lol:
Have a lovely night and great rest, you two.
Love,
Hope
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LOL to you Certain Hope - right, no left, right, no left.
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What I meant was that my life was in an absolute mess. I was so stressed from XN but I produced a home that was so simple and uncomplicated. At the time I recall thinking my Mom would have hated my house, no confusion, not stuffed full of things, just very understated. What I did not realise at the time was the house was a projection of how I wanted my life to be, clear, clean and uncomplicated.
By pastiche I mean it was not bits of other things stuck together to try and achieve a look. It was plain, of its time. XN built a house which was a remixture of French architecture, georgian, etc......... trying to recreate something that was pulled from all different genres, towering over the landscape.........HE! LOOK AT THE BIG HOUSE I BUILT I AM A RICH MAN. He filled it full of furniture and things, could not bear to have simple spaces. The nicest part of the house was the hallway but he stuck a tacky bannister on the stairs and made the space look like a 70's public office. As they say you can buy ass but you can't buy class!!!!!!!!!
axa
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I had a dream this morning that was incredibly wretched but which has pushed me a little farther along toward recovery.
In the dream I was in a room with my mother and my former mother in law (whom I loved). My mother had received a letter addressed to me from my former MIL whom I had not been in touch with for years. It was a letter about a structure (sort of like a barn) that I had been involved with building long ago. My mother had sent a check to my in laws to help pay for rebuilding it.
Suddenly we were all together again and I learned that all this communication had taken place without any notice or information coming to me. I became enraged and turned to my MIL for help and understanding. Of course she sort of stepped aside. What could she do? And I sat there in my rage feeling so helpless and unable to calm myself or find a "place" to put it. I couldn't get out of it - I was stuck. Then I woke up - absolutely feeling the enormous frustration from the dream. And then - so much that I have been reading about, learning about, working on came together in an instant.
I knew that I had to simply displace that feeling and replace it with something completely different.
Years ago when I read Norman Vincent Peale, I loved it but was left with a sense of a gap. How could I get from where I was to his recommendation of seeing things the way I wanted them. I recognized Wayne Dyar's recommendations as being in the same vein and yet I haven't been able to get there.
I have written many times about using Dr. Jeffery Schwartz process for overcoming "false" brain functions. And finally, with this crazy dream I knew that I have to do more than stop the life long experience described in this dream but go on to fill it with the image and "feeling" of what it is I want to grow to feel.
I will continue to replace my bad feelings with good ones by using my imagination but now I am going to move beyond that and project onto myself good, positve, joyful ones.
In some very strange way I have held onto these anxious feelings because I felt I deserved them and I have been waiting for a rescuer to come and release me. I did not know I coul release myself. I didn't know how.
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Dear Gaining Strength,
About the dream... please forgive me for asking what is probably obvious, but I wondered - Was your mother's check to re-build a symbol of her undoing/negating of what you had helped build in the first place? It feels controlling to me... and patronizing... and interfering... and deceitful, to me.
Or was the dream about your finding out, long after the fact, that your mother had been financially involved in this project into which you had invested your own hard labor? This scenario brings up similar feelings and more... that old sense that N is everywhere, globally, with supreme knowledge and influence... which, of course, is most untrue, even when N is rollin in dough... : )
Keep those good thoughts flowing, GS... you are movin on up to a much more peaceful plateau of... hmm... objectivity?
Love,
Hope
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Gosh Hope, I'm not sure what those images were about. I just focused on that horrible feeling and what I could do with it.
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Gosh Hope, I'm not sure what those images were about. I just focused on that horrible feeling and what I could do with it.
Right, GS... I think I've been diggin for too many roots lately :)
Here is a joyful thought for you... from Jeremiah:
"The Lord appeared from afar, saying, 'I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness.
Again I will build you and you will be rebuilt..."
With love,
Hope
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Oh my heavens. That is so beautiful.
I am going to memorize that and turn to it over and over again.
Thank you so much Hope. That is real nourishment to a hungry
soul, one in need of rebuilding.
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I am making progress - slow and steady both inside my own mind and in the physical world.
I am thankful that I am making progress. It is slower than I had hoped but I choose to focus on
what I am accomplishing.
My little boy has a "reading marathon" in 1st grade from now until Nov 20th. I am teaching him that a little at a time makes a whole lot. We read as we drive in the car. One book on the way and one book home. That leaves just 3 more at night. Page by page. I am learning that lesson too. One square foot at a time. One small mess at a time. When I wear out, time for mental nourishment - for how ever long it takes. Today it took 1 and 1/2 hours of the 2 hours I had - but hey - in that half hour I made real progress and in those 1 and 1/2 I made progress shoring up my mental house.
Before that I paid bills, made arrangements for medications at school, ordered a crazy sounding BAUD instrument to help my son with ADD and tantrums and other assorted chores. I am getting stronger and making progress. It is slow but it is sure.
I have been so severely self-critical for so many, many years. I am thankful to be making progress. In the past I have defeated progess because I didn't deserve it or couldn't sustain it because I was so self-critical. Not any more. We all deserve better. Knowing that helps me. Until I understood that I couldn't figure out my place in the hierarchy. I couldn't figure out why I deserved more when so many had less. Then I came across the idea that we all deserve comfort and sufficient resources to survive and thrive. Once I heard that, it resonated with me and suddenly I saw it possible that I too could deserve enough to live comfortably and without fear of financial ruin and to have enough to be able to express myself creatively, to buy fabrics and threads and books and foods. To have nice furnishings and nice cloths. That to have such was not WRONG in and of itself. Now, even though those things are not mine, I feel relieved to believe that we all deserve that. And in a way I cannot explain I believe it is somehow available to us all. (Don't call me crazy, even if you think it.)
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Dear GS,
"A little at a time makes a whole lot"... such a wholesome, satisfying lesson!
Just please do not discount your time invested into your son's mental/emotional house. That's no hill of beans... I think it is such major, vital, rejuvenative stuff... for both of you. It may seem to be maintenance sort of stuff or even remedial sort of stuff, but it's not. Really... it's very wonderful stuff : ) I have learned so much from my son, especially... my daughters, too, but he has a way of cutting to the chase... and I also recognize that's because I have genuinely loved him, not treated him as an accessory... or as a dumping ground.
I have also learned so much from you, GS.
Once I finally recognized where I was, just over this past year, I thought that the insight was - oh, I've been putting my stuff on the wrong side of the tally sheet for years.
But no.
The true message was - that tally sheet belongs in file 13.
With this, my byline was transformed, from: "Thank God He allows do-overs"
to: "Why seek a do-over when God does such great make-overs?" : )
At the beginning here on the board, last year, when you'd talk about that paralyzing shame, I didn't get it... I mean, I didn't think the rationale fit me. There I was, kicking myself in the pants on a regular basis, to get it done... whatever "it" was. Whoo hoo! - Not!!
That was only tail-chasing, around and around... a momentary satisfaction and then cycling back to the paralysis until it resulted in such a heap of guilt-manure that I had to get out the shovel again. The guilt would get so thick, I had all I could do to get back to ground-level. Never dug beneath to the shame... after all, I come from strong stock, a "good Christian family".
I wasn't beaten and abused. What's my problem?
And now your reviews and progress reports here on the board have pinned down the problem in my swirling thoughts.
So thank you, GS... It took almost a year, but you've helped me to locate the primary issue. Just now I see why I've rejected the nice things for myself... they were a symbol to me of what belongs in the world of people like my mother.
And not just nice things, but nice people, relationships... because she would reject the very people from whom I can find the most encouragement and sustaining, supportive bonds.
I did not measure up... because I didn't care whether it was the best or fanciest.
I did not measure up... because I like people, whereas she disdains them, only collecting their accomplishments like charms on her own little bracelet.
I just read through the letters from her which I've accumulated this past month or so.
She wants us to write... "gets lonesome, you know."
No, not lonesome... just powerless, out of the loop.
With her last note, she drops a ps to my daughter, 16, along with an article cut from some publication about a local high school senior who has made great scholastic achievements.
Her p.s.: "S, I realize you do not know this girl, but I sure thought of you when I saw the article. Be sure to let me know if, & when, your local paper runs an article on your achievements, ok?" :(
Well, my little boy and I were talking yesterday about our enjoyment of soft, cozy things... when he brought me his old pillowcase - he wants me to mend it, where there's a tear in the seam. I told him, it's a hundred years old... and he looked sad.
Oh, but yes, I said, I think it still has some use in it.
All our stuff is old and well-worn.
Suddenly he said, "I like all of our old things... our furniture and stuff...
it's cozy, it fits, it's right..."
My mother likes her old things too, she said when we were there with her recently. I feel that she holds on to them as remnants of the days when she had control over our little universe. Her glory days.
I have no glory days... those are all to come. And so are yours : )
Morning rambles here... we deserve to be cozy and content, with whatever we have... and yes, that is available to us all. My mother has some fine things and some old, worn things... but none of them bring her comfort and joy.
So I'm sorry for her... God help me to leave it at that.
Love,
Hope
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[size=12pt]I wasn't beaten and abused. What's my problem?[/size]
Boy did it take me a long, long time to get past this one. Some reasons are obvious and some not yet uncovered but part of it was the double bind, "If you complain it is because of something deficient in you." I was on the search of what was wrong with me. And there were some things, lots actually, but much of that came out of the treatment and dismissal as a human that I had experienced.
Just now I see why I've rejected the nice things for myself... they were a symbol to me of what belongs in the world of people like my mother.
And not just nice things, but nice people, relationships... because she would reject the very people from whom I can find the most encouragement and sustaining, supportive bonds.
I did not measure up... because I didn't care whether it was the best or fanciest.
I did not measure up... because I like people, whereas she disdains them, only collecting their accomplishments like charms on her own little bracelet.
Wow! This is helpful Certain Hope. I am seeing past my "non-deserving" status unspoken but implied and recognizing the "corrolation" that if they have it I don't want it and seeing a combination, "if they have it then I don't deserve it" and even worse, "if it exists then it stands as a symbol of your undeserving."
"S, I realize you do not know this girl, but I sure thought of you when I saw the article. Be sure to let me know if, & when, your local paper runs an article on your achievements, ok?"
Wow! How blatant! I remember feeling as though such appearances in articles meant that I was something. I wasn't sure what but it must mean something because people made such a deal over it. How amazing to see it through such different lens.
Did you show that PS to your daughter?
So thank you, GS...
Certain Hope - I am really moved that my ramblings have been helpful to you. So many times, I have been thankful for the anonymity of this place because I have felt so exposed when I have posted, often imagining others on the board sighing to themselves or in the hidden world of PMs, "There she goes again. I wish she would stop blabbing so much. Why doesn't she let someone else have a turn." Of course these thoughts have nothing to do with my experience here and everything to do with the wretchedness of my self-condemnation. But it is a surprise none-the-less and a comfort, that anything I have posted could have meaning to you. A surprise and a strange feeling of acceptance and meaning or value. Thanks for those kind words.
your friend - Gaining strength
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Hi GS, Hope,
Certain Hope - I am really moved that my ramblings have been helpful to you. So many times, I have been thankful for the anonymity of this place because I have felt so exposed when I have posted, often imagining others on the board sighing to themselves or in the hidden world of PMs, "There she goes again. I wish she would stop blabbing so much. Why doesn't she let someone else have a turn." Of course these thoughts have nothing to do with my experience here and everything to do with the wretchedness of my self-condemnation. But it is a surprise none-the-less and a comfort, that anything I have posted could have meaning to you. A surprise and a strange feeling of acceptance and meaning or value. Thanks for those kind words.
your friend - Gaining strength
I love how you said this GS. I hope everyone who reads this will know they can post with confidence and acceptance.
The board is what we make it. So for any timid voiceless ones lurking in the wings, step out on the stage here and tell us YOUR story. Your voice is important and having someone hear it is important too.
tt
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Dear GS,
This afternoon, my mother called. That's so rare... I thought maybe there was an emergency and I picked up.
Her demanding tone: "What's new?!"
It was surreal. The entire 23 minute call was like one long, resentful complaint because of her accusatory tone, her negativity.
She sounds severely depressed.
My answer to her "what's new?!" was "nothing thrilling"... but this time I was consciously thinking, "Nothing which you would find impressive enough to discuss with interest."
Told her I'd been vacuuming and had to stop to get duct tape, to repair a break in the attachment hose... and that's when the phone rang.
Her humorless reply... "oh, so it needed some duck?" ha. ha.
My feeling - how fake, she's trivializing, mocking me.
I plowed ahead, telling her how I may just locate a new hose online, as the motor still works well. Told her I'd replaced the roller brush this way, for just $7.00, instead of buying a new machine.
She knows nothing about using the internet (and I can't think of a single time when she's actually been interested in hearing from anyone about anything about which she doesn't already know or had experience.... so I knew this would fall flat.
And it did.
She launched into this whole depressing spiel about "things" (ironic tone) getting tired and wearing out. Martyrdom was so thick in the air you could slice it. I remembered how she gloatingly predicted, at our last visit, the many dire consequences of old age to which I could look forward.
I told her about the kids first couple days at school, and their band activities, and she was obviously bored. HER thought was to suggest that we could go to the city for cultural exposure... a symphony... (mock, ridicule - we live in a small town, so aren't we just so deprived)
so I told her about the tickets I got online for Yoyo Ma's performance next year, in a town less than 2 hours from here. bleh.
Her reply: "I haven't had reason to go there, have I?"
Well, no, mother, I don't believe you have.
heh. End of that little portion of my news.
She had no story to tell about her experience there, so it died on the vine.
Good GRIEF! I saw and heard it all, her entire warped, rigid routine, so clearly.
Then she says:
"And your husband[/b]?!!? What is HE doing?!?!"
This is where it got really freaky.
Man, if you could have heard the venom... it was startling.
She clearly despises him.
Know why?
She made burgers while we were visiting their home.
Her way, as it has always been, is to serve them plain, like a ground round steak.
For years, I couldn't refer to these patties as hamburgers. "Oh, no, it's GrrrOWnd RrrOWnd."
And there was my sweet, forthright, blunt, adorable husband who says what he means and means what he says.
And he asked for a bun.
:o :o :o :o :o
OF ALL THE NERVE!! :shock:
I almost died on the spot.
He survived. And he got his bun.
Later, he asked her for a fan for the bedroom we were using, which was upstairs @ 120 degrees F.
If he wasn't already on the S-list, I fear that sealed his fate in her eyes.
He had her # from the get-go and she knows it. He doesn't play games.
But then he despises my brother, too, but at least he has exciting stories to tell... all about his trials with getting his Porsche back to the US from Poland. He bought her a mink, dontchaknow? :P
But I, alas, am utterly useless when it comes to inflating her ego.
Bah.
She is a miserable, awful woman and she groomed me to read between her lines so that I could serve her forever.
She wants me or my husband or our kids to do some great thing so that she can puff herself up about it.. and that is the extent of her interest in us.
GS, you wrote: I am seeing past my "non-deserving" status unspoken but implied and recognizing the "corrolation" that if they have it I don't want it and seeing a combination, "if they have it then I don't deserve it" and even worse, "if it exists then it stands as a symbol of your undeserving."
Exactly. That is just how I've felt, as well, all of my life. Thank you so much for expressing it in this way. Gives me hope in all of my ramblings... and encouragement to continue.
Tt,
I have to say that if I felt like this was a stage, I couldn't share this way. I know that my own rambling style is not some folks' cup of tea and that's understandable... and perfectly okay! I'm only thankful that sometimes a connection is made, as we're doing here, each in our own way and style, as we're able.
For those who are quiet readers... to each his own... there is no right way of doing this. Please dive in, as you're able and so inclined, brief or lengthy, whatever it takes.
With love from your friend,
Hope
P.S. Gaining Strength - Daughter S hasn't seen that P.S. from her grandma yet. I don't know... will show my husband and see what he thinks. Just read it this morning myself, after kids went to school. Always, I put these letters out on the counter for everyone to read, but no one does. These attitudes must have been clear to my kids all along... they're good kids, sweet and thoughtful... but they're not interested in communicating with my parents. All I can think is - they see.
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Hi Hope,
Yes, I agree that whether a person quietly reads or jumps in...it's all good.
tt
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I am finding this more difficult than I had hoped. But then it does make sense. I am tired and trying to overcome very negative thoughts from a lifetime. I am trying to restore a house I have never liked and that, thanks to Hope, I realize holds negative symbolism from both my childhood and my marriage and the dreadful period after my husband's death when I was completely abandoned with way too much to handle. And now I am facing all of that and trying to change my negative thoughts and habits, trying to overcome the habit of powerful self criticism and shame that got me into this mess in the first place.
I am definitely not sinking but I am not breaking through yet either. It is hard. I will get there but I just have to have someone to talk to about it. I am alone in all of this and I am thankful for this place.
I know that the only way out of the complete failure to thrive is to learn to believe in myself and to overcome the shame and condemnation by my father and the utter lack of help from any family member across my entire life. I do have the solution. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it happen but I must keep my eye on the solution and that is to keep my mind trained on the positive and to believe.
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((((((((((((((((Gaining Strength))))))))))))))))) Dear, you started over on the day that you chose to live...
your house just hasn't awakened to that fact yet. The time will come when you'll show it who's the boss... and then it will be a home.
For now, let the home of your heart be decorated with the assurance that there is one Father who knows you inside and out,
who has always loved you, with an everlasting love, and He says:
"I know the plans I have for you. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11
With love,
Hope
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Aww, GS...
I wish I could take a weekend and fly down to help you,
and then spirit you back up here to help me!
Can't tell you how I've yearned for the sort of girlfriend I could "swap help" with that way.
My closest local friend came by once but communicated so much disinterest that I let it pass.
Hops