Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Life Is Precious on August 18, 2007, 01:15:27 AM
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Hi everyone,
I'm so glad I found this site. I would have liked to have had this kind of community a long time ago.
I have knwon for several months now that my so-called parents must have been Narcissistic. They were certainly pathologically abusive. I am posting my story here in order to see if it helps me to get some positive feedback from other individuals who have had similar pasts, as well as the courage to face their pasts and the integrity/strength of character to get beyond narcissistic abuse from parents.
Please pardon me for the length of this posting, but I would like to share my childhood history. I would like to receive feedback from anyone who would care to send me any encouragement in my journey.
"N.parents" for me, stands for Narcissistic-Parents and also Non-Parents, because the N.Parent cannot really 'parent' anyone. They can only conscript the yung child's life and resources in the service of their own ego and personal drama. So, they are the least qualified psychologically to be good caregivers.
In my particular case, the N.Parents were very well educated and upper-middle class. They demanded absolute loyalty and a kind of adoration from my older brother, myself and my younger sister. When we were children, they frequently "spoiled" us with material gifts and would tell us how unworthy we were to have them as parents. How they were the 'best parents' anyone could have. They were constantly telling us how they had financially difficult childhoods and how they were sparing us all that misery. And how ungrateful we were for all that.
I used to tell them that it was not MY responsibility that they suffered. I used to tell them: "Is that why you are trying to make us unhappy too?" They hated me for talking back to them. As I grew older, it becmame more and more difficult to live with them and even have a decent conversation with them. My borther used to go around chanting "You are the best paretns in the world". He was so fearful of them.
When I was 13, I had a full scholarship to an international school (I come from an Asian country - I will leave out details here). The N.Parents were seriously upset by this. I think they realized that I was growing up and living my own life, bit by bit and. This made them feel like I was losing my childhood dependence on them. They took this as a serious attack, aimed deliberately at them. In their warped view, this must have looked like abject ingratitude in the first degree. They were both medical doctors so they were used to everyone kow towing to them. But, it was not in my character to just give up and become their slave.
The result of this was that they told me I must be mentally derranged. That children who are mentally well do not behave like I did. My siblings and I were by now living in an extremely anxious environment. The N.Parents were extremely unhappy in their marriage. My N.Mother used to complain to my aunt about how her N.Husband never paid any attention to her. They took out their personal fruistrations on us. We became their scapegoats. They would tell us how life would have been perfect without us. How we were useless, worthless children.
In an effort to control me, when I was 13 , my own N.Parents declared me mentally ill. In the third world country where I was born, children have very few rights. Parents who are doctors often prescribe medicines to their own families and no one bats an eyelid. If a parent gives you enough to eat, they cannot be considered bad parents. It is unthinkable to an Asian mind that paretnal abuse could even occur. So, I was very, very much alone in this situation. From the ages of 13-18, the N-Parents subjected me to psychiatric abuse. They formed me to take psychotropic medications, forced me to see a friend of theirs' who was a psychiatrist, threatened to incarcerate me in this frightening mental institution etc. They got a psychiatrist friend of theirs to give me shock treatment. This happened several times. I was emotionally and socially degraded and reviled for 5 years. During those years, I suffered tremdous stress; developed obsessive complusive disoreder (I was always washing my hands, trying to 'clean' myself up from the horrors of each day); I put on 30 Lbs. of extra wiehgt and chronic eczema, which covered my body like a rash of burn sores.
No one helped me at all. My brother and my sister, no doubt afraid for their own survival, became the N.Parents' best helpers and fans. I think that these N.Parents had no fear of retribution or consequences, so we were in very real danger. I think this is typical of third word countries, where children have very few right at all. NO ONE listens to children who complain of abuse by parents becuase in that culture, it is take for granted that parents are like gods and that they can do no wrong, especially if they are socially and professionally high achieving.
I know now, looking back, that they were also emotionally incestuous. Back then, I had no idea that such a concept even existed, I simply knew that I hated them and and their attitude. My N.Mother viewed my growing up as a serious threat. There was one time when she hid my teenage bras and refused to let me have them. I had to complain to my N.Father until he got very angry with her and told her to give me back my bras. Can you believe this? When I think back, I reject her for this disgraceful abuse of a young daughter.
In the meantime, they were constantly degrading each other. He was never interested in being her friend or acting like a couple. In this world view, everyone was against him and beneath him, including the N.Mother. He would tell her how she was an inferior doctor and that she was jealous of other women. I think she felt really worthless both intellectually and personally, because in return, she did everything she could to try and get his approval, including throw us into the fire of his anger, just to show him how far she would go to be a great team with him. There was one incident where she took my underwear from the laundry and showed it to him pretending that she had a 'medical concern"! I was absolutely MORTIFIED. That was when I realized that I did not have parents. I was living with emotional Nazis and I had to bide my time until I could legally get away from them.
I honestly cannot think of worst people than these, except for perhaps the mass murderers who occupy the history books. Ironically, I think my N.Father's particular selfish brand of Narcissism is probably why they did not gang up on us to hit us or pyshically/sexually abuse us. Even when they were cruel to us, he was clear that she too was beneath him in the final analysis. In retrospect, I wonder whether she was really trying to use us as bait in order to have some kind of relationship with him, even if it meant creating the "shared enemy" out of her own kids. I think his self-absorbed N. would not give her the satisfaction of thinking that he was her ally or her equal in anything, including their abuse of us.
When I look back on all this, I think they felt like they were 'acknowledged' when they were cruel. They relished it when all their friends would tell them what a shame it was that their talented daughter was mentally ill. How much they had done for me and how incurable my 'illness' was. They were the martyrs, and I was the evil child. They were satisfied when it was clear to them how much suffering they had unleashed on me. I think this is another reason that they did not actually physically abuse us. I do not think it was because they had any concept of respect for us or for our lives but rather because they had pretty much spent their anger on psychiatric cruelty.
It was a family from hell. Now, when I look back, I cannot imagine how on earth I came through that except that God Must Be Real.
My freedom from them came suddenly, when at 18, the N.Parents shipped me off to school in England, where my N.Father tried to collaborate with his elder sister, also a doctor in England, to send me to a spychiatrist and get me on medications. Well, guess what? In England, it is not possible to put someone on medication just because you are a petty-dictator in a back in your third world country. The doctor that I saw flatly refused to give me any medications. In fact, he said he was astonished that I had pulled through all that hell. Because my N.Parents were never British Citizens, British law against child abuse cannot affect my Asian N.Parents.
This was almost 20 years ago that I made my great escape, away from N.Parents who degraded me for 5 long years, subjected me to systematic abuse and used their education and social influence to destroy my crediibility and to disable me psychologically and socially - why? Because I DARED to speak up for myself and be an individual. Because I refused to be a clone of their egos.
I have not seen the N.Family for over 10 years and I will not pressure myself to even look at them again. I am glad to give myself that much. I moved to the USA some years ago and I'm doing fine. I've had many confrontation with them in the pasdt and told them exactly what I think of them and now, I just don't want to feel strong negative emotion any more because it can be damaging. And I don't want that for myself.
These days, I often have moments of terrible anguish, the most horrible pain and emotional suffering when I remember that time of torture. I want to stop suffering when I remember things. I hug myself and I tell myself that I did great. I want myself to heal and have fewer moments of anxiety, stress and emotional suffering. There were times in the past when I had major stress episodes, pushed away people who loved me, had serious anger and rage. Time helps to heal eveyrthing . I do know that if you honestly want to let go of the past and disable its power to harm you, then you can do just that. I see a therapist and am considering group therapy, because I think it would be great to share with other people who understand suffering and the task of moving on.
I think my survival and my life are a MIRACLE. I can't take credit for that, because I honestly don't know how anyone can go through all that, but I am just immensely grateful that I am in one piece and that I am still standing. AND that I am not on drugs, or getting into abusive relationships of just destryoing my life. I owe my survival to God and this innate ability I have been given to keep my sense of self, even when my N.Parents were threatening my life. I absolutely believe that God can heal me and give me freedom beyond my highest expectations.
Life Is Precious. And I will NOT let the N.Parents steal my life or the JOY of my life from me.
So, that's my experience. Thank you all for listening to me. I know this is a lot to tell/share, but I hope that talking to you online will be another positive step in the direction of healing and restoration.
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Welcome, Life Is Precious!
You are not only strong, but incredibly brave. I'm horrified by the story of your early life and dumbstruck by the miracle of your escape and thriving now.
Wow.
Please keep posting. You'll be welcomed here with enthusiasm!
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I am re-posting my response here, too, Precious, as I think this thread will become a better place for your thoughts:
Life is Precious,
What you've been through sounds appalling.
You are very strong to have survived that.
You're obviously very intelligent, and have worked out/through a lot already.
The realeasing the anger and hurt, and getting to a stage of acceptance is the rtricky part, IMO, but keep posting here and you can get a lot further forward.
Your family were awful to you, and you didn't deserve that.
I'm so sorry.
Janet
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Dear Friend,
What a testiment to your strength. I feel such an inspiration that I really can do it,too, when I read your story.
You are right .NOW, you need to heal the pain. You are in the right place,in my opinion.,
My conclusion about my life is the same as yours. I survived b/c of a "miracle".God pulled me up . It was a Divine intervention.
I hope that you will become a part of the board and keep posting. You can begin to heal with people who have survived ,also . Love Ami
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Dear Precious - welcome to a place where you can be safe, accepted, and cared about. Please keep posting.
Your childhood was a dangerous place for you or for any child. You escaped the brainwashing. Did your siblings fare as well as you?
Please acknowledge your own courage and ability to survive! You deserve tons of credit for that.
towrite
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Dear Life is Precious,
You are so right... the most precious gift of all is new life, free of all the traps and devices of N.
I'm so sorry for all that you've endured... and so very glad you're here.
Welcome!
With love,
Hope
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I think my survival and my life are a MIRACLE. I can't take credit for that, because I honestly don't know how anyone can go through all that, but I am just immensely grateful that I am in one piece and that I am still standing. AND that I am not on drugs, or getting into abusive relationships of just destryoing my life. I owe my survival to God and this innate ability I have been given to keep my sense of self, even when my N.Parents were threatening my life. I absolutely believe that God can heal me and give me freedom beyond my highest expectations.
Your post is a powerful story of survival. Thank you so much for posting. Your story gives me courage. I personally identify with every word in the paragraph quoted above. I am so glad you are here and deeply hope you will register and post often. I deeply connect to your story. I see your survival as Miracle and your presence as an act of courage. I admire you.
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Dear Wonderful Survivers,
Thank you so much for the wonderful letters of encouragement! I was just so happy to receive them. I sat here and I cried reading them. It is such a blessing, such a relief to be acknoweldged and to be told that I am brave to have gotten through that. Thank you so much for your integrity and support!
I am thrilled to be here. Also, it is terrific that I can be an inspiration to others. It is just so satisfying to know that some of you have gained strength and courage by reading my story. This is an incredible bonus for me. I know what suffering is, so if I can give you strength and carry that batton for you for just one lap of the race, just by sharing my story, I am thrilled to do it!
The amazing thing is, that seeing that you are inspired by my story has somehow reflected back on me and now I feel really strong! Can you believe that? What a bonus. I think the gift of being acknowledged really has far reaching effects. I am looking forward to seeing how things evolve for me here. I am looking forward to growing more.
I think this must be an emotionally 'rich' group of people because we have collectively been through so much. Yet, we have dealt with those trials, modified thoese negative elements and used them to serve Life Again! I think that by surviving, we have acquired many tools for appreciating life and relationships, perhaps more than those who have not suffered as we did.
I am repeating myself here, but I just wanted to tell you how Good it is for me to be supported and upheld by people. I am re-reading the letters and letting the messages sink in. I am so happy to have found this group.
:)
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Dear Life is Precious,
What a terrible experience for you, but how wonderfully you communicated it. I am amazed again and again at the strength of individuals who come here to tell their stories. It is truly a miracle that we made it through. I pray that our combined strength, the telling of our stories and talking through the miseries we suffered will encourage each newcomer who comes to the board. Thank you for sharing. I hope you will stay with us. I think you have so much to contribute. So glad you are doing well. I'm fighting back tears...
I hope your brother and sister are well too.
tt
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Dear Life,
Welcome.
We will learn so much from you.
I am so sorry for all you have been through.
Thank heaven they sent you away to school...I guess that tradition was your saving grace.
Hopalong
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Hi and welcome. Some things jumped out at me here. You were the whistle blower! That is awesome. That is what I do. I no longer accept the game as the status quo-I AM MAD AS HELL AND I AM NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE! That is my favorite line from any movie. Also being the scapegoat. If we dare stand up for ourselves we become the problem who needs to be fixed! Guess what that is gas lighting and it is garbage. Keep posting-it is the way to healing.
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Life is Precious
I hear your story of the truth of your abuse.
You are a miracle.
Axa
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Hi Everyone,
Thanks for the responses. I've been reading through all of them and it is giving me so much confidence over the feelings of feer that are associated with thoese memories- just to have everything acknowledged and out in the open. That is just great.
Today, I would like to share some other things with you. Recently I have been making some substatial steps forward, in terms of processing some of the actual emotion reltated to that era. I realize that those feelings of distress which come like a sudden rushing of the sea water to my feet, these feelings are not inspired or created by my present. So, I wondered why they were coming up at all and I realized that it is because I am now relaxed and, secure and established in my own life, with my own perspective being quite establsihed and supported, such that it is possible to go back and feel the force of the anxiety and even fear of that time without being totally oppressed by it. I can tell you that sometimes these feelings are quite vivid.
So, here is how I am dealing with them.
Everytime I get this rush of emotion, I talk to myself, "My dear, I am very calm, I am at peace, Thank you Jesus so much for my life, for all stages of my life that I walked through. My Life Has Been Gorgeous, so Wonderful in Every Way". You may ask: Why am I doing this?
I am doing it to actively take control of the experience of recalling, because recalling is a precious commodity.
I think recalling is one of the 'forms' in which we relate to ouserlves and to our emotions. I do this NOT by denying anything, but by denying a narrow focus or perspective. I let the feelings be whoever they are, but I won't let the emotion of that time set the perspective on that time. I set the perspective super-lovingly, according to the best of my current viewpoint and wisdom.
After all, negative emotions are only one part of the entire repetoire of feelings, thoughts and knowledge that I have. I mean, I am not doing to define my kitchen in terms of the one jar of jelly that is sitting on the counter, with the jelly all spilled out. You know?
And I am not being fanciful when I speak positively. I do have a Gorgeous Life because every human being is MUCH MORE than the sum total of all the positive and negative things that they have seen in life. A human being is the person who corresponded with difficult situations, set the perspective on that situation, handled the emotions generated by that experience: a human being is also someone who corresponded with positive and loving situations, gained perspective by those loving circumstances, and had the experience of the positive emotions generated by them - AND THEN, navigated through all of these to create a collage, a constantly moving piece of 'art', which is the collaboration between experience and hope, between external situations and internal identity, outer unhealthy OR healthy dynamics and the inner will to live and laugh and be true to youself! All this surely makes for a Gorgeous Life.
I mean, if this were a piece of art, I would buy it and have it in my living room! Can you imagine the conversations we could have about it?
It's like this: If there were a piano and no one in the house knew how to play piano and they were only ever making a horrendous clanging noise on it, does that mean that the piano should think of iteslef as a noise-maker? I don't think so. When the piano is transferred to a new environment, where trained musicans cherish it and play fabulous music on it, the piano will finally know who he/she really is. However, when the piano recalls the past, the piano should not be visualizing itself as a former noise-maker. Just because that was the only way in which those people could relate to it, does not mean that that is the way the piano should relate to itself.
That is why I can say as a matter of fact that My Life Is Just Splendid. So is yours.
And when I remember those times, I show respect to myself as I was in that situation, but also as a person who is beyond just any circimstances. I think when you greet/salute yourself on the basis of you identity and the existence of your life per se, and NOT primarily on the basis of certain finite events and the negative emotion generated by them, it is THEN that you truly show respect to yourself as a person, as an entity. And I show appropriate and fitting respect for myself.
When I say good things to myself, I am calling forth the good things that are at the foundation of life, NOT just periferal specific things/feelings that are tied up to particular events or situations in life. Do you see what I mean? It is short-sighted to view your life only from the perspective of certain events or situations. There are other options. You can respect yourself for having suffered. But then, you congratulate yourslef for being you and for having a great hope and a future!
And you know what? As soon as I do this, I see immediately the immense amount of strength and general goodwill I have and I see that I am up to the task of handling this project. My goal is clear: I have no negative feelings left. When I think of everyone in that past era, I shall have nothing but the most peaceful and positive ideas and conclusions to think of.
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FYI, if you recall, I said I had had obsessive compulsive disorder. I 'weaned' myself off of it when I was in school at 18. I kept telling myself that I did not need to do that anymore. That the thigns that I wanted to wash off were already lost in time and that my life was clean simply because it was here and now, in the present. My greatest 'therapy' was the change of environmental conditions and I had it in me to just take the wheel of that car of opportunity and drive with the freedom I had!
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Anyway, back to my main discussion. I refuse to get permanently or persistently upset. I certainly have had moments of serious distress, but I am learning to monitor and allow these events, not to fight them off, and to be 'present' regardless of what I am feeling. It is not being a 'parent', but it is a new role that deserves a new title. It is about being very good to oneself. At these moments, I can say " I certainly am feeling very bad right now and the feelings are like blue and green waves", but "I am also in my living room, looking at the leaves on the trees outside." I focus on the present, and then I just feel whatever I am going to feel.
Later, I try to affirm what I should affirm: that the overview of these things cannot be written in terms of these things. The overview is: how great it is to have a current perspective on things! It is OK to feel upset, feelings of distress from the past. What a time that was! What a narrative! What is the overview of such a life? It is more than just these things, including but beyond them, it is ssomething I know through and through and therefore, I will stand firm on it - It has been a Good Life, hasn't it? I am still learning from it"
And then I say, "And it is the Right Life, and I am becoming the Right Person here and now ".
You should try it.
The title of this role should be something like Her Majesty the Queen of Frienship and Deep Reconcilliantion or Her Excellency the Ambassdor of Myself in the Country of Memory. It is also a very simple role. It's about being here in the present moment and not trying to argue with yourself or push anything upon yourself. Just being here and now and just relaxing.
Clearly, I get terrible feelings of distress from time to time, but they cannot direct my plans. I may write again in another few days and be very upset. But you know what? That doesn't change the general direction in which one is going. I mean, a violin may wail loudly, profoundly from the front row and make you cry, but it is up to the conductor to steer the direction for the entire orchestra. Right? I must give as much time to my friendly flutes as I do to the dramatic violins.
I remind myself that I have the strength of Christ, which He gives me at the Resurrection. As scripture says, "I can do all things through Christ Who empowers me" and again "For I have the Mind of Chris". "For weeping may endure for a night,", but geuss what ? "Joy Commeth in the morning!" You know?
My concluding thought is this. No matter how badly anyone has suffered, they are not only going to be a "surviver". No. I think You can go beyond that, go from surviving to living. We are Live-ers, not just survive-ers.
I will be back later to write and share more with you. I hope you all have a great day. I am going to give you a few Scriptures here which encapsulate some of these points. I hope that they will really establish your perspective on who you are and give you peace.
"For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love and of a sound mind." II Timothy, 1:7
"Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ has set you free and be not entagled in the yoke of bondage." Galatianns, 5:1
"For this day is holy unto our Lord. Neither be ye sorry. For the Joy of the Lord is your strenght." Nehemiah 8:10b.
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I just re-read my posting and wanted to acknowledge that getting to the place where you can be positive is not easy and you do not do it overnight.
Processing the anguish takes is course. And I have immense respect for people who are currently undergoing that particular stage of theri healing. I don't mind if it takes months or years, I am still going to be very positive about them. I don't insist that they take a positive attitude and put pressure on themselves to do everything all at once. One cannot insist that someone else take a positive attitude, especially when they are suffering terribly. But, we can be there for them, to be loving and kind and remind them that even if they do not see it, we see it. We can see that they are going to make it through.
Again, I have so much respect and admiration for people who have taken the time to process all the neative emotion that results from negative experiences. I say my most special prayers for those who are still struggling but looking forward, perhaps struggling with additions or OCD but still looking forward. That is courage.
Even those of use who still suffer in some way or another, no matter how residual or substantial it may be, it is still a victory. I can't help but see it that way. It has to be a winning situation simply because that person's life is just precious and I would do everything I can to promote their healing and well-being.
People who grapple with their feelings are victors. If they keep on going, if they persist, surely they will find themselves in that plance that they had seen instinctively all along - that place of great peace and joy.
Take care until next time.
XO XO
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Dear Friend,
I am in awe of your post. It reminds me of Steve-- who ,also, abounds in wisdom that my "jaw drops"
What an inspiration your words are. What a blessing to me,dear friend.
I hope that you will keep writing and sharing Love Ami
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Precious,
Your post is amazing. You've got incredible insight.
Did you overcome your OCD on your own? That must have been very difficult whether you did it alone or not. What an achievement! Was it the going away to college that was the 'change in environment'? Did you have someone who helped you through that time?
Don't feel you have to answer this, but I'd be very interested, if you'd like to discuss this a bit more.
Janet
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Janet,
Yes, I did overcome OCD by the Greace of God Alone. I mean, it was really God and me. No therapist, no one human to confide in about the task that I was undertaking.
I had a terrible desire to wash and wash and wash my hands. I could hardly bear to take my harnds out of the stream of water, because the moment I did, and I remembered my bad feelings, those feelings would 'project themselves' as dirt onto my hands.
I mean, I could see clearly that there was nothing on my hands. That these were just thoughts. But that was the gist of it. I think sometimes, certain violations are so rpofound, so horrendously jarring that it is very, very difficult for the self to cope with it. So, the feelings 'manifest' themselves in ways that can allow you to cope with them. I.e. By washing, i was kind of ridding myself of some of the sickness of that experience.
However, OCD is also a slave-driver because the compulsions can just keep coming. It does not actually free you. But I really had to tell myself " I KNOW these are JUST thoughts. THoughts CANNOT harm me. I am CLEAN. I don't need to wash my hands anymore". I could not have done that if I had no experience or knowledge of God. I mean, a person by himself can feel really buffeted by physical life, if that is all they lean on.
I will always remember that first time when I took my hands out of the sink, saying to myself that God was with me and that this was God's universe and His Reality, so I was just goin g to take my hands out of the sink and turn the water off.
Emotionally, I felt like I had shit on my hands. I leaned on the radiator in my room and cried and cired, but I did not let myself wash my hands again or seek to relive myself of this horrible feeling by washing.
You know, I don't know exactly how the paradigm shift took place, but it did. This is a major miracle. I think when you look forward, into the future, a future of cleanness and good possibilities, THOSE thoguhts become your anchor.
I know I can do all things through Christ who stengthens me. I really want to give the most wonderful encouragement to anyone suffering this. We have mind over matter and then we have mind over mind. The Mind is our friend. If you can honestly let yourself believe in God, in something that you cannot see that is Higher than our current physical existence, then you will find a way through the maze that is OCD. You will battle the minotaur and find your way out into the sunlight.
My best and hugs to all. XXX
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Precious,
Wow, you are so strong!!
What a thing to have battled on your own.
I haven't ever known someone with OCD before, so I didn't understand how it grabs you. Sounds awful. I should think it's often misunderstood, too?
I got over anorexia without any help. I moved away from my NMum's house (that's what resonated with me, when you said about 'environmental changes'), and once I was living alone, I had proper control over what I was allowed to eat (as anorexia, IMO, isn't about the person controlling their food intake, but the 'carer' doing the controlling, for their own ends - in my case, my NMum, who got attention because of me, and could ignore problems in her marriage while all her energy was on me).
I put on wieght from 73 pounds to 105 in a year (just within the 'normal' range) - that's an increase of 50% of my bodyweight. Just by getting away from her.
I think there are others here who have said they've got OCD, or had it in the past, so you should be able to discuss it others who really understand where you're coming from, if you want to.
It's great to have a more positive future, isn't it?
Janet
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Life and Janet...
Your stories really are stories of real healing. Not mrtaphorical
A.,.,,..mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm......bieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenalert............
I;m taking the healing Amazons with me to sleeep
xoxoxoHops
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Dear Life Is Precious-
Reading your story, I could see how precious YOU are, as well as strong and unique. Your childhood reminds me of the hell that a courageous journalist in Russia is enduring , having been taken against her will, admitted to a psychiatric hospital and sedated, given horrendous shock treatments, etc. as punishment for writing about Putin's government, etc. You too chose to speak the truth and have paid a heavy price; it breaks my heart to think of such a betrayal of a child.
That you have not only survived but have thrived as you made your way alone in a new country is a wonder...you are an inspiring and brave person, someone to look up to and learn from.
Many hugs to you,
Changing
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Hi everyone,
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has sent me messages of encouragement and support. They mean SO much to me. I can't tell you. I look forwad to reading every single message that I get.
Janet - yes, it is wonderful to have an unfettered present and future. It makes me want to pray about all those who are currently living with N.Parents. I pray for their delivery and freedom. We are indeed the lucky, lucky, lucky ones to have our lives and freedom now.
Changing - Thank you also for your kind message. For affirming me and lifting up the plight of those punished for having a conscience. That is something that gives me such a strong sense of support.
You know, after I posted on this site, I've realized how deeply I have needed the support and cammeraderie of other human beings, whether they have suffered or not, but just regular people who are there to listen, to believe, respect and support me for just being who I am and for acknowledging all that I have gone through.
That is just priceless!
And this is so right. The acknowledgement, sharing and honoring of these experiences is what redeems the situation. This is what makes the process of moving forward so much more readily accessiible and so much more efficient, so it feels to me just sharing with you. Talking about these things with others really does make the journey of progress take on a momentum that is really great.
So, thanks again for reading and posting your thoughts and responses. I'll be back later to post some more thoughts.
My best regards and hugs til next time.
XOXO
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I also wanted to say to Ami that I am so pleased to be a blessing to you. If I am a blessing and moral support to you, then I am just thrilled. This is such a bonus. That you are blessed by my progress is a double blessing to me. So, I am gald to share with you.
Hopalong , towrite and Axa - thank you for your affirmations! I really appreciate it.
I'm so glad to have struck up this correspondence with all of you. I think it really is affecting my journey in quite an incredible, substantial way. I have never had such an opportunity before, and I am just getting to grips with the benefits of this. It really is incredible.
You have sown seeds of healing into my life and I'm just at a loss of words when I think of this.
XXOO
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Dear Life is Precious,
I have been following your posts, and am sorry I haven't responded sooner.
I am finding it difficult to put into words both the horror I feel at what was done to you and my awe in you and your ability to overcome it.
You are truly a remarkable, admirable person.
One of the things that you wrote that jumped out at me was that you said you weren’t physically abused. What I see in your story is that your experience goes far beyond physical abuse in the traditional sense of the word. To me, what you experienced was systematic emotional and physical torture over a period of many, many years. I am so sorry that this was done to you. And, am completely awed at how you have been able to overcome it and find the beauty in life.
When I first found this place, I lurked for a long, long time. I was scared to post. I found just reading extremely helpful – to know, finally, that I was not alone in my experiences. That healing was magnified exponentially after I started posting and sharing my and other's experiences – it has had a profoundly positive impact on my life.
I have much to learn from you and everyone else here – and am very glad that you are here.
(((((Much love to you)))))
Peace
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I do so wish that you would register and become a member. I do so love reading your posts - so full of courage and encouragement. I know I can do it too. Thank you.
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I was reading through a few other people's threads and I had this particular reaction to it. It is an imaginary sequence in which I travel back through time to visit that particular situation to confront that person's parents. This is how it goes.
>>
I can see through a screen the N.events unfolding in someone's life. I am getting very angry but I am also very confident, really in control, the way a seasoned lawyer is when she marches into court, knowing that she will win the case hands down. I get on my 'war gear' which includes all my experiences from the present world that I live in, the fair, conscionable adult world which is fair and good to me. This knowledge I pack away - it is the flamethrower that is going to burn away the false premises of that other world that I am going into.
OK. I am ready. I look like myself; I have on a favorite grey skit and jacket, my favorite shoes.
I go. With the sheer force of my outrage, I part the curtains of time, they open like some strange mix of steel and Jell-O. I pull them apart by sheer WILLPOWER! And Bam!!
I am there in the living room of another house in another part of the world. The N.Parent is bulling this girl, who is too mesmerized by the evil unfolding to call it by its name. So I walk in. There!
The N.Mother is surprised! Who the heck is this? I say: "I'll tell you who I am. I am a representative of the Conscience of Humanity. You! STOP using your daughter like she is your TOY!!!
She is NOT there to fulfill YOUR NEEDS! You are the parent, not her! She is not there to serve you or parent you!! You are there to parent her!!
And then, perhaps the daughter will look at me in fear, because people in N.Families are often afraid of standing up for themselves. So I will say to her, calmly but firmly, "My dear, do not worry. This does not look good to you, but the way things were going was also not good for you. Just because it is your parent doing these things, does not make them right. Do not be afraid - you are going to a place where you are going to learn the wonderful skills of saying and feeling whatever you do."
As I say this, she will find herself surrounded by a pale electric glow. She is still in the room, but she has a different perspective of that room. She sees that it is tragic, what has been happening to her. But she also sees that her grief cannot be translated into permitting Narcissism from a warped N.Parent. She is crying, but her tears are clearing up her vision. She sees clearly now.
She says: Mother, why do you not care for yourself enough to nurture and VALUE this short moment in time where you GET to BE a PARENT? Don't you see that this is not going to come again? This is not a resource you can renew on demand? When I am grown up, you will have lost the chance to be a parent forever."
The mother is silent. She is fuming, but this truth demands her acknowledgement. She still wants to abuse emotionally - she cannot get rid of that - but she sees herself more clearly now. She knows she is like a warped piece of glass, like a barren desert that wants to force her daughter to 'make believe' that she is a garden!!!
I tell the mother: "You will not conscript your child or anyone's child or even any adult in the service of your ego."
I repeat: "You will NOT CONSCRIPT your child into the service of your DISGUSTING EGO!!!!"
She is absolutely still now. Her eyes are reptilian with rage at being denied her 'exalted position' of 'martyr in the family'.
The screams at me: “How dare you tell me this! I have sacrificed SO MUCH for this girl. She doesn’t care how much I have suffered. How dare you speak to me like that! You are JUST like my daughter – ungrateful, un-..”
“STOP!!!” I interrupt her. I hold my hand in front of her and say, “By the Power of My Conscience, I Say NO MORE LIES!!”
She wants to shout back - but she cannot talk. Every time she tries to talk, her lies turn into frogs and toads, which spill out of her mouth. She is now horrified! There are so many, many little tree frogs, and exotic tropical frogs, and ordinary garden frogs spilling out of her mouth.
I tell her: "every time you speak a Narcissistic falsehood, you will eat your words in the form of frogs. Do you want that?"
She spits them out, is about to retort with another proud remark, but stops herself just in time, as a nasty little green and red leg sticks out of her mouth. She spits it out.
The N.Mother is now horrified by the reality of her ill doings. I see that she is truly dismayed. So I tell her:
"You are not going to be tormented by these frogs forever. You just simply cannot lie anymore. That's all. As long as you tell your daughter the truth, you do not ever have to worry about being plagued by frogs materialized in your mouth."
The daughter, who was previously scared, sees that this is actually a neutral intervention, by supernatural means, an intervention on the correspondence between her and her N.Mother. Because it is neutral, she does not have to feel guilty. In fact, she is SO grateful, because for the first time in many years, she and her mother actually have a REAL chance of having an honest conversation. She also sees that she has been contributing to her own suffering, not because she wants to hurt herself, but because she has been so pressured into doing it, But she now has that golden light of knowledge which accompanies her and gives her clear perspective. She has Found her Authentic, Golden Self and this Self will help her and stand up for her every time she needs it!
I then take out a special animal carrier, which automatically attract the little frogs into it. I will drop them off in the Amazon, in a rainy garden n in England and in a far away village in India. And then I will return to my own little house in a nice little garden in the USA.
I tell the mother: "Remember: you are an individual before you are a mother. That means, you MUST sort out your needs and your issues AS an individual. BUT, NOTE THIS: Your daughter is NOT your emotional slave, your emotional go-between. She is not the proxy that you use to exact your vengeance, your vision of your vindication.
Also remember that you cannot waste this girl’s daughterhood without also simultaneously destroying your motherhood. And in the end, your daughter may be orphaned but she will find her way and find her 'honorary family' in the world. But you - YOU will not be able to recover your daughter no matter how you try. So THINK about it before you try to trap your daughter into your mind games."
Then, I am ready. The frogs are locked in. Time/space is opening up for me to go. They are both standing there, speechless. The N.Mother is still emanating negative energy, but she is now PRACTISING restraint because she KNOWS what will happen to her if she says anything that is motivated by N.
The light around me is now pink and then golden, as the curtains of time part for me. I tell the daughter:
"My dear, you must now also practice the denial of negative demands made on you. Every time you think of acquiescing, the floor is going to show Jell-O on it, right in front of your feet. I know that is a nuisance, but it is just to let you know that you must think again and consider carefully what it is that you are agreeing to do.”
“As for you, the mother, if you try to physically punish your daughter, two snakes will appear and accompany you everywhere. They will hiss at you about all your pretensions. They will not stop when you sleep. They won't bite you either, but they will not leave you alone. Oh, how you will WISH for death, for oblivion, for forgetfulness – but you CANNOT have them!! You will not be allowed to forget! Oh no! You will have to listen to the lies that you created hissing at you over and over again, incessantly showing you yourself. You will be forced to face yourself every minute of your life!”
“So, if you do not want to be tormented by the external manifestation of your internal nest of vipers and frogs, then you need to CLEAN up your INTERIOR and do some renovating!”
And then, I am off. as we move through the titanium but silky fabric of time, I pray about this situation and I declare God's justice over that place. I say that the daughter is strong and that the mother gets the gift of REAL REMORSE. Real Repentance. I deposit the frogs in Bavaria, London and a little village in Burma, because I am in the mood to improvise on my journey home. They jump off across the light rain. I am statisfied.
Wow, what a day this has been, but I am glad. I love this line of work! I look at myself in the mirror. Grey is a really nice, professional color! And my pearl earrings really do work with my skin tone! I think I may do some online shopping this evening. Later, I will e-mail the daughter and check in with her to see how she is doing. I make myself a cup of tea and turn the TV on. We are just in time for a movie!
<<<
(copyright Life is Precious) :)
P.S. I think I will write a collection of cathartic short stories and see how people like it.
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Precious - that was wonderful! I hope you do write those stories and post them here. Will you be honorary Fairy Godmother to the board?
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I wanted to add that I think N.Parents need neutral interventions which compell them to face themselves. In my story, I use yucky frogs and snakes to do it. I don't like reptiles! : ) I know that the N.Family I came from are still waiting for their neutral intervention. The distance I maintain and my success in my career/life are default signs on the wall for them.
However, equally, I think children of N.Familes really need to be professional with themselves in gaining and maintaining proper perspective. I think often children of N.Familes permit their natural responses as sons and daughters to metamorphose into doing what the parents need. I mean, being a loving son or daughter shows that you are good at that role, but it does not mean that your parents are good at being parents. I absolutely had to learn that it was pointless being a loving person to them, because this simply did not change the N.Parents. Affection and childhood innocence does not cause N. to change. On the contrary, they can so EASILY be conscripted into the service of N. I didn't need too many signs though, I just moved on as quickly as possible.
I enjoyed writing that story. I will definitely write again. As an Epilogue, I hope that the N.Mother in the story repents and cries so hard that it will make the Monsoon look like a third rate joke. Real repentence from any N.Person is such a bonus for both the N. and everyone else.
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Hello Precious-
Hope you are doing well this evening! Do you paint ? A painting of your frog story would be outrageously powerful! Those images, primal and emotional. Love your stories.
Hugs,
Changing
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Changing,
I am doing fine this evening. I had some periods of stress this afternoon, regarding the instances of denial in the N.Family. I was feeling alot of aggravation about that. Then later, I felt regret over the sad facts of that history. However, I really did steer my ship away from the rugged rocks of despair from which the siren sings and calls softly to you to come near. Really, dejection and feeling sorry for things is NOT the way forward.
I focused, I looked at this beautiful coffee pot I had got as a present from a friend and cheered up. And then, I asked myself how much more worthy my personality and mind were, as compared to a Bodum coffee pot.
So, in short, I cheered myself up. Then I read someone's story about how their N.Mother had britalized their childhood and I wrote my short story. I feel So Good, after having written it. it really is very good to crustallize my thoughts and have them immortalized on paper. Wonderful. And I am so glad that other people can use them too. This is also just excellent.
I really do appreciate all of you on this board. Thank you for being here and thank you for just being you and for carrying on an honest and authentic correspondence with me. This is just precious.
XOXO
P.S. to Iphi - I think I would just like to be me, just one of the people on this board who needs and apprecaites all your support, someone who will come here and cry/need your support sometimes, and then be strong at other times. However, my short stories I am sure would be thrilled to be Honorary Fairy Godmother to the board. I find the whole process of writing them very good for me too! Thank you for giving my writing such an honor. ((Hugs to you))
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Hi all,
After all my positive affirmations this evening, I can't sleep tonight. I am feeling so much RAGE against the N.Family. Mainly, it is not that I want anything positive from them. i am just trying to figure out how I can sever any real contact with them per se.
I think part of the issue is that it has not been taken up legally. I get so sick to my stomach when I even remember them. It is not because I;m sad that they were not nice to me. No. Rather it is because I really, really do not want to know that such evil exists.
I just can't sleep tonight. i'm feeling horrible. I think writing my cathartic short story just pulled up even more related negative emotion.
I hope nobody minds my saying this, but I really Hate them. I mean, I just despise them. I cannot see any value in the N.Family that I was raised in at all, no more than I could see value in Hitler. I just WISH I could feel really truly safe. I think that can't really happen until they are dead.
I really wish there was a different universe where I could live. A completely different world. I don't need to forget anything, I just need to begin somewhere that I do not have to worry about EVER having to deal with them agian. I really deserve to have nothing to do with them.
Sleepless and upset. :(
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Authentic,
Thank you for your post. I am going to try to keep in mind what you said. Thanks for that. But I am having a horrible time of it here.
I am horrified at the thought that I will have to deal with the N.Parents again. Sometimes, they say they would like to visit! What horror! I really don't want to have to see them again. I think the core of this anxiety has to do with the fear that I have that I wonder whether they had incestous intentions towards us, per my first posting. This is my worst fear and I can't really feel safe from this horrendous possibility for as long as they are on the planet. Or can I?
Right now, I wish there was someway that of making sure that they stay there in that third world country and never go anywhere else. I know that as long as I don't have to deal with them again in close proximity, I can cope with everything else in the past, including how my N.Mother tried to use us as bait. But while I can deal with all the hellish facts of the past, I can't keep on wondering if I may be in danger again in the future. That is just exausting!.
I never want to there to be a single chance of them behaving like that again in front of me. This is horrifying to me. I am trying so hard to calm down from this. A couple f years ago, I could not have even articulated this fear. This whole concept like Napalm to me. It's like some burning, caustic thing. I want to pu it out, but I don't want to be in danger of it.
I wish there was a way of protecting myself from them in the future. I want to be safe from them but I also want to confront them. I want to demand an explanation from them as to why my N.Mother did what she did (see my first posting). When I think they will try and visit the US against my will, it's like I am looking at some impending doom. I know they cannot abuse me medically, because there are laws against that here. But, no legislation in the world can control someone's attitude towards you. And THIS attitude is something I will never want to deal with again. Ever. I am very clear about this.
When I feel this viceral fear, I want to scream at them and ask them whether they wanted to steal my sexuality away from me too, just because they themselves were such emotional garbage? That just because they let me get away, do they now want to try to track me down to try to cripple me with finality?
I want to tell them they can think what they like but they cannot F***ing DARE to touch me!!!! Back off or I will beat the crap out of you!!!
*BIG Sigh*
This really is the bedrock of the fear/anxiety I have. Everything else has been relatively easy to deal with.
God, I've been feeling so anxious as I write all this. Still, I don't feel totally, completely overtaken. I know this is a stress episode. I go through these from time to time. But if I am to do this, I need to feel materially safe when I think these things through. I must know that there is a conclusion to this. That there is final safety. That this feeling of being on a night train to a death camp will end.
This is my worst nightmare of a fear that I am battling. I know that if they had already passed on by now, I would not be half so worried about them. ... In fact, if they were already dead, I think I would say that I really don't know whether they were incenstuous personalities or not. They were might have been capable of damaging us that way but I am grateful that they simply didn't get around to it. If they die tomorrow, then I know that their sick attitudes also die with them, whatever the details might have been. That thought fills me with such relief... dear God! When they are dead, they will not be able to be bad parents any longer. Their thoughts will die with them and this particular sin will simply not exist anymore. I will not have to worry about them anymore.
And this is the relief that I want.
I worry that I will go nuts if I have to deal with them again face to face. I can deal with everything else on my plate. I can handle everything else but I don't want to deal with the thought that I could be in continued danger in the future. That all my efforts to create sfaety for myself may be nullified by their selfish decisions and that they will come over to add more garbage to my plate all over again. I can't let this happen.
Actually, now that I spell that out, it does not look so menacing. In fact, it is extremely unlikely. Hmm. Let me think about this.
So, why am I going through all this? I suppose I am just rehashing old feelings of being stuck in a dangerous situation without help at ahand. Still, it would be great if someone could tell me that they would stand between me and them and that they would NEVER let them visit here. That no matter what an N.PArents may think, there is a limit to what they can act out. That the time of their false authority is over. That this is not their era.
Knowledge really does change perspective. When I think of the fact that I lived with them for 18 years, I feel so unsafe. The other night, I had been feeling afraid and then, I woke up from a dream and threw up right away.
When I get these emotions, I sometimes do feel that I could kill them if they ever tried to barge into my life here. I don't want to upset anyone by saying that, but I mean it. Deep down in the pit of my stomach, I am so afraid that they will try and take over my life again. I know that they have no plans of doing that but it is still scary.The other scary thing is that I really do feel very capable of throwing them down the stairs if they ever dared to come anywhere near my house or my life here. I mean, I would have to. I cannot just act coureteous, turn a blind eye and let them walk into my house! Just that thought make me feel so much in danger.
How do I get rid of this physical, vivid fear I feel with my entire body? I mean it is a viceral feeling! I feel this fear in my physical being. I think I just have to stop thinking about this.... I am getting tired!
I really want so badly to feel safe! I think I have to do this before they pass on. I need to learn to trust my current situation to be good to me. I have to learn this myself regardless of whatever eslse transpires out there thousands of miles away.
I am just going to ask God that He makes sure that I am safe and thank Him for taking care of this for me. That is the best that I can do right now. Please pray for me that I will not have to deal with them in the future. That is really all I want. My strenght must come from my material safety now. I can monitor and manage that. The thought of the past and the fact that I got out only by the skin of my teeth causes me so much fear when I just remember that I was a child living in their midst. It's like going through an emotional earthquake.
*sigh* I feel better for writing this, and very tired. Thank you for posting to me in the middle of the night. I really hope I get some sleep. I need it. I'm going to lie down and think hard about the present reality.
((Authentic, thank you for your good words. ))
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(((((((((Life)))))))))
I'm so sorry that writing this story brought such a rush of panic onto you. Dear, gentle heart, you could not have written it, I don't believe, if you did not already have all that is needful to be safe within your own space, with Christ in you, the hope of glory.
Your story brings me to my knees, because it is a Godly tale of righteousness and justice, accountability combined with mercy and room for repentance.
N sees the grace of God as license, and not as His power to give new life... this breaks my heart.
The story just touches me so... I can't express the ways.
But I want you to know that I also pray for such a neutral intervention, a plague of frogs... to be halted only by N's genuine remorse and repentance.
Please remember that those frogs are not yours to tend and nurture. They cannot leap the ocean. They are contained.
And this, for you, from 2nd Peter chapter 1
Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord;
seeing that His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness,
through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence.
To you, has everything been granted, dear Life. You are lacking in no good thing. Amen.
With love,
Hope
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I kind of like this one:
I want to tell them they can think what they like but they cannot F***ing DARE to touch me!!!! Back off or I will beat the crap out of you!!!
Sounds like a pretty clear boundary to me. And using your voice.
I doubt they'll come but if they ever did and you decided to meet them face to face, you could do it in a public place and bring an attorney.
I am very sorry you are haunted by your monster parents. I think your inner strength will grow and grow. And if you ever do see them, they will have shrunk to proper size. They'll be older, powerless, smaller, and they will sense the difference.
These kinds of fears for me are worst at night...same for you?
with love (((((Life)))))
Hops
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Precious-
I hope that you got some lovely sleep. Those Nparents indoctrinated you as an innocent and powerles child. Just as we can recall our favorite food or the cool splash of a favorite swimming place as a child, we can "feel" the sensations of fear and pain again, too. You are safe now Precious, and I trust that you will keep yourself safe now, as well. Things will get better as time goes on, and you learn to trust your own reality. Have a wonderful and peaceful day Precious!
Hugs to you,
Changing
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Precious,
I am joining this conversation late. Many have said what my heart feels for you and what you have been thru. It is truly unimaginable. I have known the volume of emotion and the sleepless nights as I try to listen. I struggle with feelings of being safe. Wanting it so badly. Wanting to prevent anyone from hurting me again. My anger has helped me to feel protected until I could find more permanent ways. I am learning that the safety I seek is right there waiting until I am ready to give it to myself. And whatever i can't give myself, I seems God is helping me with the excess as I learn to trust myself and my new boundaries and my ability to maintain them. I appreciated what Hops said about them shrinking to proper size and having so much less influence. They really do get smaller as self love and self care take proper hold. I wish you comfort and gentleness as you decided what kind of boundaries you need with these people. It is hard to cut people from our lives. Doesn't feel like a kind thing to do. But I wonder if you need a NC policy, at least temporarily, until you heal and until your borders are reinforced with time and safety. My T tells me how literally fried our nerves get from all of the psychological stress and pain. They need time to heal and regenerate so our coping mechinisms work better. I also find it easier to practice my selfcare behaviors on less extreme people and only interact with my N's when I am feeling strong and unalterable.
Whatever you decide about the NC thing, I wish you healing and friendship and understanding.
--Poppy
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Precious,
I would agree with Poppyseed, except for this bit:
" But I wonder if you need a NC policy, at least temporarily, until you heal and until your borders are reinforced with time and safety. " (my emphasis)
IMO, NC has to be permanent to be helpful. If you even consider starting again with them at some point in the future, then that's a kind of 'safety net' in your mind that prevents you from healing enough to truly get over what they did to you.
Once you are properly healed, it's not that you *will be able* to deal with them again, it's that you *won't want to*. It's a big difference. It's a peacefulness that takes a long time to achieve, IMO.
Janet
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WOW Janet
There was a lot of wisdom in your comment about NC. I think that you are saying as long as we "wish" that we could get close to them,it shows that we are tied"in our hearts" . I got that out of it, anyway.
After we heal,we will not desire and yearn for the contact- Right?I think that when we are "whole" we will not yearn ,anymore. I don't know if people agree or not.
Life- I wanted to comment on the physical part of healing. I am finding that the toxic emotions ( and energies) stay in our bodies as a type of poison.
As I heal, I am feeling awful .My body held on to these patterns for me and now I am releasing them from my emotions and body. So, when you are having sleeplessness and stomach problems, it couyd be part of the healing.
Life, also, as Hops said, maybe you should get a lawyer. Your parents could not violate you by coming to your house if you did not want them, You are not vulnerable like that-- anymore. Maybe, there are things that I do not understand about your situation, but I don't think that they have the actual power to hurt you while you are in this country, anyway. Maybe in your home country, it was different. I am so glad that you are here and sharing your life with us Love Ami
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Ami,
" I think that you are saying as long as we "wish" that we could get close to them,it shows that we are tied"in our hearts" . I got that out of it, anyway.
After we heal,we will not desire and yearn for the contact- Right?I think that when we are "whole" we will not yearn ,anymore."
Yes, that's exactly what I meant.
When I started No Contact, I think, now, that I believed she would really 'come round' to the idea of what she'd actually done to me. It was almost as if I was punishing her SO THAT she'd understand and be different. Of course, N's will NEVER understand, and they'll never 'come round' to your way of thinking, either. So, as the period of NC grew longer, I came to realsie that it HAS to be permanent, and I stopped wanting to 'make it better'.
Actually, I HAD made it better - for me. The problem we seem to have, as N-survivors, is that we keep going roud in circles trying to make it better FOR THEM. Trouble is, what they say they want in order for it to BE better, annihilates us.
Janet
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I worry that I will go nuts if I have to deal with them again face to face.
You have the ability and the power to be certain that you never see them again. You can get through and over this fear the same way you got through and over your OCD.
There is a book by a psychiatrist, Dr. Jeffry M. Schwartz entitled, "The Mind and The Brain" which details a process for getting over dark or negative thoughts much the way you described you did. The interesting thing to me is that he specializes in OCD and you figured out how to do it just as he did. You can apply the same method to your fear. I have been using this method for almost a year and though I still have a way to go, I have already made great progress and have developed the confidence that it is just a matter of time until I break free completely.
Ironically, as you were struggling last night, I was thinking about some of your previous posts and finding great courage to push myself forward. Perhaps I was using up your energy. I believe that after much healing, your psyche is once again digging deep into the unbearable pain stored deep within and bringing it forward because it is time again to do more healing. I believe that this is coming to the surface because you are strong enough to deal with it now. So painful as it is, to the extent you can, embrace this pain, it has come forward to be released and you can do that. You have been successful in doing so in the past, you can do it again, bit by bit until the darkness is completely released.
Do you believe you can do it? I believe you can. - Gaining Strength
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Dear All,
Thank you for your replies. I am only just reading them. I had been feeling so shaky that I was trying not to think too much about these things. Hence, I did not write sooner.
Janet and Ami, I am right where you are, have been since I was 18. I have no particular desire or need to have any contact with them. It is just that finding permanent residency in an English speaking country has been SOOOO difficult. I have been forced to return to the country of my birth and deal with that over and over again.
The last time I didi it, it was 1996. I was so overwhelemed with fear. There was this nun who was a friend of mine and she finally gave me refuge. I spent that entire summer, living behind the closed walls of that convent, in a house full of orphans, rather than live with the N.Parents in one of their several properties, surrounded by servants and all that.
Gaining Strength - what you said is right. I have to tell myself I am safe and keep going.
I think you are all so right about what you wrote to me. I just have to tell myself that while I feel unsafe, I am really actually safe. I tried to tell all this to a friend of mine and he cut me off my saying "well, I'm not equipped to tell you much about these things, can't really do much to advise you" and I was just crying and crying and in complete panic mode.
I just don't want them to ever touch me or abuse me physically. That is my final stand. That is my final prayer and statement. This cannot happen.
Sometimes, it just blows my mind what little protection there is out there for so many people. I mean, if I had not received a great education and been brave enough to handle being cheap labor out in the wide world until I came here and got my American residency, I may have been dead by now. I must get over this.
Thank God I am here now.
Thank God I am in one piece.
Thank God that He did not allow them to sexually abuse me.
Thank God that I can learn to control my thoughts and that I can tell myself that I am safe now.
Thank God for the next wave of terror, when I will be able to tell myself that I am safe even if I feel unsafe, and make even MORE progress.
Yes, Thank God for my progress.
And Thank God for this community. You are becoming important to me in ways that I did not know were possible. You are affecting my life and my progress in such subtle ways that I did not even know existed.
I am just going to keep going forward. I pray that the next time will not be so difficult. I just cried for 30 minutes. I felt so war-torn, so beset with a ranging fear.
XOXO
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CB123,
It was you who told me about knowing that even though I feel unsafe, I can tell msyelf that I really am safe now. and I AM safe NOW.
Thank you for that. I am completely spent. I just let out a massive amount of panic, anger and stress.
I am trying to take care of myself this evening. I was supposed to go to dinner with friends, but this panic attack completely took over. It sort of forced me to take account of it.
THank you for acknowledging me the way so many of my friends do not seem to be able to, i.e. the 'ordinary' ones who have not suffered and just simply cannot understand the dynamics.
I am tired but I send my best. ((((( All )))
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Dear Precious-
I am glad that you are taking it easy tonight and doing what you think is best. I hope you have a peaceful sleep ,and hope to hear more from you when you are ready.
Bless you,
Changing
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The NC POlicy
There was a time when I did not contact them for over a year. Their behaviour improved vastly. In fact, it was a milestone. I have had to keep in being in touch while I've been working to get my residency, because that that, there is no real foundation to my freedom. The legal independence has been critical and I am just fed up when I think of how long I had to wander around internationally, trying to make that happen for myself.
They refused to get me my UK citisenship, even thoguht this woul dhave been seay, because I think they did NOT want to give nay of their children any k ind of indenependece or any real resouorces apart from themselves. They are such garbage. Wow. Such evil.
One of the reasons I do keen in contact with them now is that it helps me to keep track of their travel plans and related issues. I talk mainly with their housekeeper and not them. I still have a few legal issues to tie up that requires documentation from that coutnry etc. They have been useful in that. As soon as I finish that, I really do not need to have any further contact with them .
I just had a long phone conversation with another friend of mine, which was very, very helpful. He really is very good with this particular issue... Thank God for those who give me good feedback. (((( All))))
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Dear Life,
You are a story about how God can reclaim a" broken" life. You are a beautiful testament to "God's grace and love. Thank you so much for being there Love Ami
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Ami,
I always feel that I will never allow anyone to call me a victim or bill me like that. I think people can try to destroy your world, BUT I kept telling myself "I can't die. I can't die. I won't die. I won't be destroyed. I won't let them take ANYTHING from me!!!".
And THAT is how I have come ths way. I remember when people were telling me that it would be difficult to get my work permit, let alone live in the US permanently and I REJECTED thgat. No, I said, if I want it this badly, i can have it. If I truly want it right from the veyr center of my being, then it is already mine.
Gaining Strenght - Yes. I Believer I CAN do it. Yes, I do. Yes, I do.
I love you guys for being there for me. You really are the definition of friendship. You acknowledge the truth and you promote authenticity. Wow. That is just great. I am going do some meditating now and reiterate my affimrations to myself. I feel very scared, but I am NOT as sunsafe as the feelings themselves seem to maintain. I am safe and well enough to actually dare to plumb the deeper parts of this experience.
Gaining Strength, I think you must be right. It must be because I am now in a position to deal with these things that they are coming up. *breath deeply* I am dusting off my shins and going forward again. I can make it.
(((All)))
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LP,
I admire your courage very much and I know this is all going to work out.
You are going to endure this passage and come through it strong and sure
of who you are and why your life is worth fighting for.
Just remember to rest and be very kind to yourself during the battle's lulls.
Glad you are here, Life.
Hops
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(((((((Life is Precious)))))))
Just some hugs for you... and I wanted to tell you that you are in my prayers... for peace, joy, love, and a deep sense of assurance that your feet are firmly placed on that Rock which shall not be moved.
With love,
Hope
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Hi everyone.
I have been away taking a break from things. It's been a great preiod of rest for me and it was just what I needed. I have been going to therapy, which has been useful in some ways, i.e. to share with another person. But mainly, it has been my prayer life that has really opened up my awareness of my own inner peace. I have to reiterate, what I said before, which is that a person is a separate entity from all the wonderful things and all the negative things that have happened to them. Just like a musical instrument is an autonomous entity, regardless of whether a great musician makes wonderful music with it or some careless person locks it up in a closet. The N.Parent is a 'musician' without skills, but this does not mean that you are a musical instrument without musical potential or musical purpose. As grown ups, we can all find the situations which will bring qualified musicians our way, so that we can truly experience who we really are, and that to the fullest. This has been such an amaxing and liberating realization. That I am not my mind. The mind is something that you have, not something that you need to be. I have a mind. But I am a presence, a being.
My old thought patterns of fear/oppression churn out occasional negative/nightmarish/apolocalyptic feelings and incite some mild panic episodes, but I am really aware of it and I just let it storm away without corresponding with it much or trying to basttle it. I just let it rage until its momentum is lost. I think this is all a part of the recovery process. One of you had mentioned that these things come up when you are ready to deal with them. And I think that is right. There have been some confusing stages in tihs process, but all in all, I have been making good progress. I was reading the book "The Secret" and it was very, very inspiring!
Best regards to everyone on the board. It is good to be back again. :)
(((Hugs and Peace))))
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Dear Life,
Your posts have so much wisdom and courage that I can just stand back and take it all in.What an inspiration ,Life. Thank you . Love Ami
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Hello (((((Life is Precious)))))
Your struggle to save your life and for your recovery have greatly inspired me. You have put words where I have only known feelings and I think that you truly have a great gift that will aid those who are recovering from profoundly abusive childhoods, and there are not that many who can do this I believe. You are able to reach a very deep place in peoples hearts, you are unique and I consider it a great honour to have been given the opportunity to read about your life and meet you.
My own story is also one of extreme emotional abuse in childhood made worse by mercury poisoning which meant that my mind was unable to function properly, and the result of all of this has been that I spent 39 years married to two abusive husbands with addiction problems, the last one, from whom I have been separated for 4 years, caused a great deal of psychological harm.
One of the problems in recovering from the abuse from my mother, was that, as a Christian I felt deep down that God wanted me to reconcile with her even if she did not change Recently I have been freed from that idea and know now that He does not want us to be in an unsafe place and suffer abuse and just as we should take care to preserve our physical bodies from harm, because they are important and valuable but that they also house the Holy Spirit if we belong to Him. I consider it my duty now to protect myself from psychological harm and to remove myself from the members of my family who harm me. My instinct to get a away from them was not disobedience to God, it was a good and natural warning. To break the tie, is now as I see it, even scriptural.
She has been dead for a year now, and her death did bring me great relief, but I do wish I had broken contact years before. One of the things that used to concern me was, that I was afraid that I would cause her embarrassment from people who discovered that I wanted to have nothing to do with her. This was out of my loyalty to her and my desire not to cause harm to others.
God wanted me to love her yes and wish her no harm, but she did not deserve to have my protection like this. I should have walked away. I regret that but in the last few years God did a wonderful thing with me when I was at a Christian healing conference and a kindly motherly aged woman took pity on me (I was ill at the time) and looked after me and gave me for two days, the mothering I had never had. Just those two days really healed something for me and I was able to go on and accept my own mother for who she was, and stop hoping that one day she would love me.
Since she died though she has had her final thrust at me as she did not write a proper will although I asked her to, and it caused me a great deal of work and stress, and to finish it all, I found that one of her nieces had stolen most of her money and she must have known it was disappearing - but this is by the by but goes to show that they can still harm us in death..
During my own recovery, it was necessary for God to allow unbearable pain to burn out something in me that would keep me chained in my life, and perhaps this is something that is happening to you. For me it has been a great longing to feel that I belong somewhere. This need has been unfulfilled through my childhood as I was the outcast (my siblings each being the favourite of each parent) and rejected and labelled as the black sheep (I was the white one actually in a family of black sheep) This longing made me attach myself where it was not safe to be attached and it has been necessary to have it burned out and the process has been very painful indeed, but God has succeeded! I have peace and deliverence in this area. I have also had to have the longing for the love of others burned out also. These needs are to met in Christ alone especially for those who are in a spiritual warfare in their ministry for others, to gain the freedom for them which they received themselves. To be in this battle one must be very strong and of good courage.
For 4 years this long hard lesson has been taught, and I despaired of life and gave up at one point, but when we belong to Him we can rest in His healing all we need to do is trust Him. I feel foolish for not doing this. Instead, due to my childhood, I always revert to solving problems myself and using my own understanding. This is not what He wants. I now have my harp in my hands again and able to sing praises!
Now I have many memories coming back and it is painful, but I am more able to bear the waves as they come crashing as my feet are more firmly rooted on the rock which is Christ
You said earlier that you believe that we can reach a place where we are healed. I believe this entirely also sister. There will come the dawn and joy will break out.
But the pain has to be gone through for now to get us to that point. It is the place where He is leading us and longs to bring to us.
Together we can help each other arrive.
Mati
xxx
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Dear Mati,
Those are beautiful words. Thank you, Dear . Love Ami
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Thank you Ami
Mati
xxx
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Life
Just to let you know that I tried what you said today, that we are not our experiences of abuse and it made a difference to how I was feeling.
Mati
xx