Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: alone48 on August 19, 2007, 02:38:55 PM
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I thought I was alone out here and was near the end of my rope. Not that you want other people to suffer, but it's nice to know you are not alone. I have been involved with an N for over four years and it's just now coming to an end. I know that this is best, but it seems that he wants to destroy me before he leaves. I have quite a good job of over 16 years and live day to day just hoping to make it through. Most people say that I should just forget him and move on, don't they think I would if it were that easy. I love this man and I hate him, he has used me and taken my kindness for weakness. He is now done because I have withdrawn giving to him. I just wish the pain would go away and I could move on.
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Dear (((((((Alone)))))))),
Hugs to you. You are not alone here.
My marriage to npd only lasted 3 years and ended similarily... when I had nothing more to give. He took it all and then he wanted to complete his destruction of me before moving on... please be cautious. Is he still in your home?
I hope that you'll share as much as you're able here... and receive great support and encouragement from those of us who have been where you are. The pain is slow going... but it does reach an end. It really does.
With love,
Hope
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Thank you so much for your reply, I guess I should have been clearer. We were never married or lived together, just spent every weekend and vacations together. He has been single for over 20 years and has no intention of committing to anyone. I was the closest he ever got to a real relationship and it really wasn't much of one. I was the one that did all the planning, paid for most of everything, and worked around his schedule. He has only been partially employed in the time I knew him where I have had a good job (until last month) that he very much envied. He was always trying to get me to take time off even when he knew I shouldn't. I have a history of being involved with men that do not give affection, this stems from my father. My mother died when I was 5 and there was no significant woman in my life. I know that I am trying to win my father's love from people that are not capable of giving it.... how do you stop that.
Prior to this N I was married to another N (though not as bad) and this N pursued me. I left my marriage of almost 30 years for this relationship. I believe it was just to prove he could get me to do it. I am certainly not blaming anyone other than myself, just need to stop this destructive behavior while I can still salvage something.
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(((((((((Alone))))))))))))))
Been away from the n for 5 years now-- it works. No Contact!
xx
Izzy
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Dear Alone,
Sounds like you have a very good grasp of the tactics used by N to exercise his envy and entitlement.
As Izzy said, No Contact is the 1st step... no calls, emails, visits, third-party messages... nothing.
In my opinion, that's what it takes for the fog to begin to clear... and then you'll be able to navigate the rest of the process, step by step.
Learning to acknowledge mistakes while giving yourself the compassion you've never received from others... that's so healing.
I've looked for love and acceptance in all the wrong places, repeatedly, for all the wrong reasons, too.
There are so many different factors intertwined through all of it... I can only recommend you continue posting and know that there is a path through and out of this maze of self-destruction. We're each at different phases and yet it never ceases to amaze me... the blessings passed on by those here who have strengths where I have weaknesses. Revealing some of each in a supportive setting like this board has been the most healing endeavor I've ever undertaken.
Welcome again... I'm so glad you're here! :)
With love,
Hope
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I was told by my counselor that I wouldn't let go of this relationship because I felt guilt over ending my marriage, destroying the family, and there was nothing to show for it....probably some truth there. It also had become such a habit that it leaves a hole in my life, now without my job it's even worse. He is not contacting me and the pattern is that he can hold out quite awhile and then I give in. He knows this and is probably just seeing how long I can go this time. There is soo much more and he is basically trying to blackmail me into giving him $$. It isn't working and he is getting nastier. The silence is welcomed, but I am waiting for the othe shoe to fall.
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Alone,
Welcome. The No Contact is so powerful, painful for you in the beginning but with time it does help ease things and also allows you the time and space to heal. Keep posting here as often as you need, there is great support on this board. It helped me survive the madness of living with an N.
Wishing you strength,
axa
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Dear Alone,
I hear that you have a great deal of anger toward yourself for leaving the marriage and going off with the N. I almost did that a few years ago.
I am sure that you were hurting and emotionally empty inside. He, probably, knew all the right things to do to charm you.You were were just vulnerable-- not a bad person. You wanted love and connections.
I have a long term marriage with an N(ish?).
So ,I can relate to how lonely you must have felt.
I have had NC with my N mother. It really, really gives you perspective on how bad they really are. You really don't see it if you continue contact b/c the "abnormal has become normal",just by the familiarity .
I am really shocked when I have interactions with my M ,now, at how very,very sick she is.
Alone, keep sharing and facing the truth. That is how you heal(IMO). Look forward to hearing from you Love Ami
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He is not contacting me and the pattern is that he can hold out quite awhile and then I give in. He knows this and is probably just seeing how long I can go this time.
((((((((((((Alone)))))))))))))))))))
Welcome. You have come to the right place. I'm so sorry for your pain/anger/guilt. Oh how I can relate to this . I was in a 4 1/2 year relationship with this very same type of man. He was never married, together weekends and vacations. All I can offer here to you is that my one year anniversary of not seeing him since the "end" was Saturday,8/18 and the pain does lesson. I too was the one who always gave in, went back, called him. Oh how painful that cycle was. It tapped into all my issues of abandonment, doesn't he love me enough to call me, wasn't I good enough. Did he ever love me.
Keep posting here on the board and reaching out for help. I would love to hear from you, I'm sure I could learn from you as well.
Love Tweety
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Dear Alone,
I went after ex once, after "throwing him out" when he became physically violent in the home. I went after him to bring him back "home"... because I felt so awful about failing at another relationship and so responsible for him... for everyone... for the entire world, pretty much. I would just like to say to you that there is no guilt or shame which God doesn't forgive when we turn to Him through Jesus... and He is teaching me, helping me, to see myself the way He sees me... free of that burden. I hope that you will not take offense at that... I just really don't know any other way to new life other than Jesus, in my opinion.
With love,
Hope
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because I felt so awful about failing at another relationship and so responsible for him... for everyone..
Hope,
Thank you for sharing that , as I'm reading all this I realised that I didn't want to have another failed relationship (after my 14 yr marrage) either and I was so determined to make it work and I also had a lot of feelings of responsibility towards him. I guess that was an underlying drive that kept me going back to try to "fix" things.
Thanks again, very helpful
Love Tweety
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You're welcome, Tweety.
N knows all about that drive... that longing... and the guilt. He can smell it a mile away and will make hay out of it, guaranteed.
((((((((Tweety))))))))
Love,
Hope
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alone,
welcome! i'm new to the boards, too, and find everyone to be just amazing.
i have just in the past week, well, less than a whole week, taken control and have initiated NO CONTACT.
so far, so good. i was a wreck yesterday but i felt freer at the same time.
you can do this.
for you.
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It's funny that he really isn't that intelligent, but has the instincts of a tiger. he knows when to punce and when to lay back. Logically when I look at it, I know that he was fortunate to have me, but when I'm around him for anytime it goes back to where he is in control. I haven't spoken to him since last Wed. and haven't seen him in three weeks.
right now he is trying to say I owe money to him for helping pay his aunts bills and I didn't handle it right. I showed him the receipts and he seems to change what he wants each time I prove my point. He has told me he won't see me until I straighten this out (in other words give him $$).He is just waiting for her to die so he can inheirit, which I helped instrument the will on his behalf. I know that I was played and should be extremely angry, but still miss him.....what is that all about. I must be screwed up because a normal person wouldn't take this for one minute. I quit my job because he threatened to call my supervisor, which was entirely stupid because I have all my evidence, but he knew my reputation was important to me.
In the four years I have known him, he has worked about two months, he works in the film industry and receives residuals, but I seriously doubt it was enough to support him this long. I have given him $$ of my own, but no longer can do that so we're on to his aunt's $$. he tried to talk me out of leaving my son (who is a senior) in the private school he has been in since kindergarten. The one good thing I have done is keep him and my son separated, they have only met 3-4 times in four years. My son does not like him just because of the pain he has seen me go through. I am so sorry these are so long, but just need to get it clear in my own mind.
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Dear NotAlone,
Please use as many words as you like to get it all out there.
N is a mis-adventure of the lowest order and we've all been hooked, one way or another.
He sees your heart's desire along with all of your very best qualities and highest emotions and - for just long enough - he mirrors those back to you, as though they're his... but it's all an illusion. The very best you ever thought you saw in him, is actually yours already! Please remember that... he is not real.
Love,
Hope
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Welcome Nota,
Seems to me in this whole sad story, there might be one bit of good news:
He has told me he won't see me until I straighten this out (in other words give him $$).
You're in luck--don't straighten it out!
I don't mean to be flip about the heartache, I've so been there and done that. But you can trust the word of so many women on this board who have endured the pangs of the ending, waited out the longing, and then found that they were so deeply glad to be free of the person they once felt nearly addicted to.
Glad you're here.
Hopalong
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Dear Enough,
They are 'not long". Take all the time and space you need, Friend Ami
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Hello!
You will get through this! You have support and caring, and it really helps! I came to this board desperately in pain, wanting my freedom, and yet in pain when the split occurred, badly shaken with each contact with my husband. I found that I had wise and caring friends on this board. It will get better!
Hugs to you,
Changing
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Thank you so much to all of you, it gives me hope and will help me get to the next day. I have so many friends that have been so kind, but I know they are getting tired of this and I don't want to lose their friendships. Everyone has their breaking point and I may have pushed theirs. Most are in normal loving relationships and would not put up with the things they see me doing. It's funny because I am so strong in all other ways. One of my old bosses once told me I was great in most everything, but relationships of the heart.
I tried so hard not to call him today and all of you have helped that, it was an extremely bad day. I just never could understand that their were people that did not have the same emotions and wants. This is so naieve, especially since I do investigations for the courts. I just thought I could tell who these people were in my own life. Four years to someone that never even cared, I will try not to waste another day.
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Well, it's been a week and things are looking better....somewhat. I did speak to N and he told me until we got things straightened out, I could not have my things and he does not want to see me. I said " so you are holding my things for ransom?" He got quite angry and told me he was tried of being so giving and needed to for me to show him I was taking care of things. He also told me that I had wasted half of the summer that we could of been having fun, by not taking care of business. I told him I would send him and accounting of everything in the mail. I have spent two days and finally have it ready for mailing. If anything, I am owed about eight thousand dollars. I certainly will not hold my breath waiting for it, but felt better to know I was right. I will send it tommorrow and then leave on Mon. for a vacation at my daughter's for the next ten days. I will turn my cell phone off and enjoy peace and quiet. Then I will deal with the rest when I come home.
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Sounds like a great plan to me, Not Alone.
His statements to you could be direct quotes from npd-ex... it's all so familiarly impossible.
And I think that your attitude is great... as you set things firmly straight in your own mind, for your own satisfaction, because there won't be any resolution forthcoming from the other side... only more drivel. I know it hurts, and as you see how clear the facts are, there's a temptation to just give one more try at explaining, thinking - "surely now he will see"... but he won't. N's just wanna have "fun" :P
and not the sort of fun which is enjoyable to a whole, compassionate, maturely reasoning human being.
Wishing you the very best... I hope you have an excellent vacation and enjoy your time with your daughter.
With love,
Hope
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Excellent plan, Notalone!
Two tiny suggestions?
Make sure to keep a copy of the accounting (you have I'm sure).
Don't just turn off the cell phone, leave it at home.
Have a GOOD TIME.
Hops
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Thanks so much for the encouragement. I certainly kept a copy of the accounting and all the original receipts. I know this will not pacify him, but I feel better that I have taken care of business with him and can put it behind me.
I know it hurts, and as you see how clear the facts are, there's a temptation to just give one more try at explaining, thinking - "surely now he will see"... but he won't. N's just wanna have "fun"
This is so true and I have to keep rereading it to remind myself it's a pattern and not that our situation was special. Thanks again.
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Just wanted to give you an update. I did go on my vacation and rec'd a call from N stating he got my information and considered I was saying good bye and could I just call and clarify that. STUPID me did that and he started to berate me saying that I was a lying ,maniupulative, thief. At this point I said yes this is good bye and hung up. Today I rec'd another call saying he just had a few questions regarding my accounting and could i please call, so far I've done nothing, but thought I would email him and tell him everything needs to be handled that way. I am still shaking from his call though I don't know why.
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Calling you a manipulative thief is pure projection, alone48. He is everything he is saying you are. I would shake too, just hearing the message. He's scary. Stay strong! Recognize the lies!
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Dear Alone,
When they project-- it IS hard to see that it is THEM-- not you. I am so sorry that you are going through this((((((((((((((((((Alone)))))))))))))))))) Love Ami
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Thanks so much, you're right he makes me feel as if I really should be afraid I did something wrong. I did call back and luckily got his voice mail, I asked him to please email me any questions or concerns since it was not about business and we no longer needed to speak directly as friends. That also will make him mad, but it's the best I can do. My friends say they have never seen me like this and they're afraid too, but don't know what to do. It helps to talk to people that really understand what you are up against, so many believe it's just me over reacting.
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Hi Not Alone,
I doubt whether a) there will ever be an end to his questions and
b) he'll ever be satisfied with your answers and agree to a fair resolution.
So... I'm wondering whether you really need to respond to any more of his inquiries... even by email?
Just from my experience, it simply is never enough, and absolutely never right, where N is concerned.
I am so sorry he is having this effect on you. You know he's just toying with your fears, playing on them... and yet it's so very difficult for a caring, conscientious person to not respond with explanations.... I do understand. But if it's not business anymore, and you're not friends anymore, then... what's the point of continuing any sort of correspondence?
Would you feel safer to block his calls and emails? Just wondering.
With love,
Hope
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I debated long and hard on whether I should call back or not, but finally decided to see what it was. I was incorrect in my last post, it is still business regarding his aunt.
When I first called he was casual wanting to know how I had been and what I had been doing. After minimal small talk, I asked him what he needed. He said that he still felt I owed him money and wanted to know if I meant what I said last time. I said "yes I did mean it and if you have concerns please email me with whatever you feel the discrepancies are." he then said this is such a small amount of money compared to what you have given me. I said that's right, but it's two seperate issues so let me know why you think I owe money. he agreed to email me but proceeded to tell me how much he missed me, I said I had missed him but had learned to move on as I realized it was over. HE WAS TOTALLY surprised that I thought that. He kept waiting for me to ask to see him, but I DIDN"T. I told him I had no hatred towards him but could no longer deal with this in my life and said good bye. I hope this is it....!
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Hi Alone,
Have you talked to a lawyer?
Hops