Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: WRITE on August 23, 2007, 03:03:49 PM
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This is my biggest self-work currently. The money was tied up in there, work, divorce, parenting, studying....I've almost been paralysed at times and unable to make a decision or move.
Whole days pass by during which I skirt around things which need to be done, and I don't do them.
Yet I won't write off the day and call it a play-day or give up my creative endeavours either.
It's almost like I am trying to put myself under some pressure....
I tried to get these thoughts more coherent last night, but I know they're not there yet, so just let me ramble some.... :?
STRUCTURE:
my therapist mentioned lack of structure in procrastination. Working for self means a lot of self-motivation and the little rewards of a work-day ( company, socialising, praise, feedback, financial benefits ) are often missing.
That said I love I can just go for a walk in the middle of the day, or take a day off, or work on what I want. I feel constrained when i have to be chained to an office, and I still only have the same productivity I suspect, except I have to be there longer.
SYMBOLISM:
when I walk into the kitchen and someone left me a huge mess I am reminded of my childhood, we were used as unpaid domestics often, and nothing we did was seen as adequate either.
Ex has often refused to cooperate with domestic regimes, reminds me of a lot of heartache there- it was proof he didn't care when I didn't realise he was so messed-up, I took it personally.
Son is pre-teen....the mess is endless and he can't see it! I hate nagging him though, we were nagged constantly. I want his childhood to be different.
FAILURE:
if I don't start I can't finish...and be judged. So often the things I have delighted in have been ripped to pieces by people who turned out to have more issues than care for me.
As a child I was always trying to produce things that would impress particularly my mother, sometimes I fall into that role subconsiously now....of course nothing ever impressed her, she was very cold, just to try brought out her harsher side. She hated to see anyone's vulnerability or joy in something.
ANGER:
too often I have had to do ( or felt I had to do ) something I didn't want to or something which wasn't right for me.
Somewhere I rebel against any constraint now so that even if I elected that task I feel annoyed to have to do the parts of it I don't like or find difficult....
IMMATURITY:
Some part of me is a child wanting others to do things and facilitate things for me.
I didn't get my opportunities as a child, it's not fair. I still want them now.
Someone could take care of me for a change- when will I be taken care of? Why should I always be the caretaker?
SADNESS:
as a child I remember performing whilst straining to see if my parents were in the audience. If they were and I did badly they were embarrassed and unsupportive and critical or mocking. If I did well they wanted to 'take me down a peg or two' for beaing boastful or 'big-headed'. More often than not they weren't there.
I couldn't rely on the outcome of whatever I did.
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Write,
Ooh, I can relate to you with this one!
I work from home, and to other people it can seem rather idyllic to not have the constraints of working to a timetable, etc.
But it's really hard to get motivated, especially when things are quiet, business-wise (in theory, I should design new embroidery kits when it's quiet, and then work fast and make up parcels quickly when the business picks up again (it's quite seasonal), but when it's quiet I feel like no-one will ever want to order one again, so I get depressed about it, and can't design :( )
Having the flexibilty to move from my upstairs office to the kitchen means...I keep sloping off for a biscuit when I'm 'bored' (i.e de-motivated).
Or, if it's sunny, I want to go out in the garden, and resent it when I HAVE to do work.
The other side of this is that it's hard to STOP working, at a designated time (like 5pm), so often I'll start working late morning (nice) but still be working at midnight (not so nice). Lack of structure...hmmm....seems to be a HUGE problem with me!
I find it almost impossible to have a WHOLE day off. Like I'm not allowed to. But WHO is limiting me like that? Me. Very annoying, to sabotage myself like that.
Sorry, I don't have any answers, just thought I'd let you know I think I'm very much like you!
Janet
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Wow WRITE I think you have spelled out what procrastination is. It has taken me many years to get so much of that figured out. I am facing it each and every day right now as I sit in my house trying to get moving on cleaning.
I finally realized many of the same things about my house as you describe about MESS. I am determined to identify these dark thoughts/feelings and route them out, replacing them with positive ones. I am surprised at how difficult and slow it is but I know I can do it. Thanks for this post.
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Thanks Janet, GS.
I find it almost impossible to have a WHOLE day off. Like I'm not allowed to. But WHO is limiting me like that? Me. Very annoying, to sabotage myself like that.
that's interesting, I wonder if some of my procrastinating might stop if I designate days off?
I even answered my phone on vacation...
The phrase which jumps out at me over what I have written so far is the last one:
I couldn't rely on the outcome of whatever I did.
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Write,
Yes, that looks so LARGE reading it over again, doesn't it?
If you can't be sure how something will be received, perhaps it's safer not to try...
Yep, I can see that I do that, too.
I need a deadline poking me in the backside before I'll finish something (like an editor hassling me for an article, for instance)
If it's just up to me, it'll get put off and put off.
Designated days off is a good idea. Unfortunately for me, customers think that ANY day they can get through on the phone must be a work day for me, so as my phone is a work AND home phone (too mean to get two), it can be hard to get away from it. Sometimes, we unplug the phone to get some peace...then forget to plug it back in, and wonder why we've had three days of blissful quietness (but no orders) :D
We have been known to find net cafes while we're on holiday, to let people know we're on holiday and can't send their orders...sad :shock:
Janet
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Write, Write, Write-
Another of my most glaring faults brought out into the light of day? I'm not half done with the MONEY MONEY MONEY thing yet (oh, I see- I'm waiting to stop procrastinating on that as well-AARGH!).
I don't work at home, but I certainly could benefit with a stop to procrastinating now. I'm going to take out my lists right away.
Hugs,
Changing
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Does everyone do it and we just think they are moving along purposefully with no detours?
I think a lot of life IS just 'busywork' actually: look at the way kids are in school, a whole day spent on what, a couple of hours learning at most....and I know when I've been employed most of the time we spent in 'meetings' or 'training' or 'supervision' or 'recording' was just passing time & could have been simplified and made more efficient.
A former police sargeant told me a few years ago he chose to retire when the job became 'like that old song: busy doing nothing, nothing the whole day long....!'
The word purposefully is maybe key then: because so much of our work isn't purposeful or even meaningful.
Maybe we lose track fo what's important and what isn't.
Your going back to wash your hair is the kind of thing I do when I'm overwhelmed and stressed.
If you can't be sure how something will be received, perhaps it's safer not to try...
the word 'safe' is used a lot in psychology, but for some of us it actually has been our very real physical safety which got compromised, as well as emotional pain. My parents' drinking led to us being neglected and put in dangerous situations, and my husband was physically abusive.
A few times when I've been ill I have put myself in danger.
I wonder if there isn't a post-traumatic stress component to it for me, I almost don't want anything to succeed and to hurl myself into self-destruction and have done with the infernal waiting for the inevitable to happen....does that make sense?
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Once again, I want to say thank you Write, for such an important thread.
I have gotten up early several mornings and coped in a way (new behaviors and new order) I almost never have.
I know this thread will produce huge insights.
For now I have none to offer, but much appreciation.
love to all-a-y'all,
Hops
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I know this thread will produce huge insights.
for me I know that there are certain ingrained patterns of behaving now which perpetuate things, and procrastination does reduce self-confidence and motivation.
The things I have procrastinated which might be holding me back or compromising my wellbeing are:
publishing
losing the rest of my excess weight ( about 45 lbs )
starting projects/ finishing projects- I'm only happy in the middle it seems!
budgeting ( though I am assessing this right now )
study
It took me so long to get divorced I see now though I had to cope at each stage and survive without some basics at times like being able to work or get credit, or being very sick.
So I got through all that- but it's left some residual trauma too.
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Ex was away last night, he went out to an oil rig.
It did show me something else- I am still 'default parent' and can't plan too much until my boy can happily be left alone.
I was so looking forward to the evening, thought we would watch a movie on cable and I cooked. Son wouldn't eat with me and sulked about the movie, I ended in coming upstairs and watching bits of comedy and music on Youtube and playing with ebay which is a great place to look around, I never buy anything but my friend does- never over $1 though!
I cried for a while, life has been such a huge disappointment sometimes, but I cheered myself up and when son sulked at bedtime and said I had neglected him all evening I said 'if you want all your own way get used to spending time alone'.
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Today is very symbolic for me, I am at a place of changing my values and behaviours.
For years I have been the one who notices stuff, sends cards and gifts, helps people through their difficult times.
Suddenly I am wondering if this has become a way of vicarious living....there's very little reciprocation and though my friends and family love me they're more likely to think 'oh she won't mind if I don't bother' than go out of their way to spring me a surprise or help me.
Somewhere I acquired this reputation of not requiring anything. And it's starting to feel like I am taken for granted.
Funny, I never thought I'd be saying this, i've always been 'oh you give stuff out to the universe and it comes back to you....G_d is the balance of the universe'.
And to some extent it's true.
But I'm starting to think if that's the case then I'll go do volunteer work or give things anonymously to charity.
I'm exhausted, it's the l;ast day of school vacation after 13 weeks.
But I'm also exhausted at finding nothing for me except what I do for myself- and there's a powerful message in that isn't there.
I think I have to conserve my resources for me now, which goes against what I have been trying to be as a Christian, as a friend, as a mother.
Yet everyone in my life- friends, family, church, work- will bleed me dry if I allow it....
The therapist said something about this last time and I ignored her but thought about it later; often the things she says which I ignore turn out to be the ones I need to focus on the most.
I always thought if I was good enough, kind enough, helped enough- it would change the balance of the cruel and crazy world I grew up in.
And it has to some extent- my ex and my father live more functional lives because of my input.
Several people have escaped bankruptcy or losing their job.
But there isn't anything back for me- and somehow these impossible standards I am setting are pushing people away from me.
I'm not going to lift a finger for anyone for a while, beyond what I need to do as a mother, and see what happens.
Somehow all this has become tied up with my procrastination- because I never truly have the energy for myself, or the focus on myself.
Sorry for whining; this is my first birthday since the divorce, the last day of the school vacation, and a low day when I realise it won't matter what I do- I've made a gigantic mess of my life, there's no going back and starting over, just climbing out of the rubble and walk away not looking back at the smouldering ruins of my youth....
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Thank you SO much for this post WRITE,
I used your structure this morning to work through major 2 blocks I have been experiencing with regards to my work. It was so incredibly helpfu!!! I can't thank you enough for posting this idea.
What I did was to, firstly, describe the areas where I was procrastinating. Then I wrote a list of emotions that I associate with those tasks, which i have never considered doing before. For me, the major feelings were anger, sadness, and fear.
A the end of my list (after Anger, sadness, fear) I added `Acceptance' because it felt right for me. I found this very useful for me, because it helped me to reach a sense of peace after purging my negative emotions. After that, I felt able to write about the solution.
It was such a powerful process; thanks for sharing this.
X bella
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Happy Birthday, Write!
I can imagine that it feels odd--this first one after again becoming single. I suspect it is a new beginning for you in many ways--a Birth Day, indeed! You are so full of insight and wisdom, even if you don't feel that you are. I am glad you were born!
Much love,
CB
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Hello Write Dear Birthday Girl!!!!
Happy Birthday!!! This year, darling, make friends with those people who appreciate and treasure you- as for the others "Cast ye not pearls before swine"! You are emerging from the chrysalis, a tired but gorgeous butterfly, with a well-defined budget, having cast all procrastination aside...The best is yet to come!
Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy Birthday,
Changing
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Oh, and Write- You might publish a Money Money Money guide and A PNTSProcrastinating guide as well- I'd certainly buy them!( 2 more projects); maybe a guide on divorce (that would be a huge seller, get you an Oprah segment, etc)
Hugs,
Changing
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Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig carrot cupcake with a bonfire on it coming your way, dear Write...
Some years we've just got to hug ourselves and say, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANYWAY!
There will be happier ones ahead. And you're in very good company right now...with you.
much love,
Hops
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Dear CB,
I would've felt like I had lead in my shoes taking care of the final farm paperwork too.
Despite the marriage, you really loved that place--land, plants, house, animals.
That was something else to grieve and you barely had a chance.
I certainly understand why you felt like procrastinating!
much love to you, and wishing you a peaceful happy weekend in your good new nest,
Hops
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Thanks everyone for insightful responses and thoughtful ones and for all your support and encouragement.
My birthday passed quietly; church guy forgot- though I secretly hoped he wouldn't, most of my friends forgot, my sister sent a lovely top, my dad $100, my s-i-l sent Sanex bath stuff then three of my favourite friends came out tonight and bought me Indian food, roses, a book and watched opera with me.
I feel not so much that the best is yet to come but more 'maybe this is as good as it gets for now.....' and I think I should calm down and relax and enjoy what happens that's nice whilst I finally face my disappointment and regrets and bitterness and loneliness, which means spending some time alone for a while instead of racing around trying to be all things to all people.
I guess it's time for me to take a Board- break too, I have noticed I am spending more and more time online....avoiding myself by analysing myself?! How strange is that. But if I were typing my own work it would be finished by now. There's my procrastination in these 'ere threads!
I think I need to write my work, and to be alone to do that and concentrate.
Take care,
Love to everyone
~Write
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Write, I understand but will miss you!
I am trusting you'll be back when there's a good time for a break.
Before you go, I'd love to know what your writing projet is, just if you'd like to share.
Either way my dear, you have a better year ahead.
You have accomplished so much more than you credit yourself.
with love,
Hops
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((((((Write)))))) Birthday Blessings to you... belatedly, but with love.
Applying the "nothing to it, but to do it" principle here is keeping me hopping... and not reading here as much.
But I listen while I hop... to audio messages - Bible teaching. If there were an audio version of the board, I'd probably tune in... but for now, I recognize that I need to not be parked here. Trying to keep up this this board could easily shift into letting face-to-face interactions slide, for me. Still seeking that ever-elusive balance, but it's feeling a bit nearer these days. More hugs to you... take good care of yourself and your son.
Hope