Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Caroline on May 02, 2004, 10:11:57 AM
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For those of you with N mothers, I was wondering whether anyone else out there was agonizing/stressing/feeling blue about Mother's Day coming up.
Typically, I send my N mother flowers, just to placate her and to avoid conflict. However, last year, she barely acknowledged my gift (I know she received it) and she hasn't called me in the last 18 months. My gifts are never good enough anyway -- she always has something to criticize -- and I 'm contemplating just sending a card, but I know this will make her furious (especially because she has been sending gifts for my daughter all year and therefore expects something in return). I know that she would LOVE a card/gift exclusively from my daughter, but I won't do that for her as this would feed into her delusion that she can have a relationship with my girl. Anyway, I was curious as to how you all were going to handle the day...
I'm also feeling a little down because Mother's Day remind me of how screwed up everything is. I'm trying to focus on celebrating MY motherhood instead, but N mom is always in the back of my mind..... can I have an exorcism or something to purge her from my head???
-Caroline
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Hi Caroline,
This is a tough one for me, too, so I'm not sure if there's a right way to handle this, but here's what has worked for me in dealing with my father (still fuzzy on mom issues). I do what I feel comfortable with, and for me, at this time, that is doing what most people would do for these special occasions - without expecting a normal response. It's my way of being healthy, being normal, being in this world. If they can't live up to the other end of that bargain, there's not much I can do. And at least I'm not feeling like a horrible person by not sending a card, wishing happy birthday, etc.
That's just what works for me, though. Many people on this board have had different solutions, including ending all contact because it can be risky to one's health. I wish you all the luck with this. There are a couple of threads on this topic, too, so it may help to read those to see if any of their solutions fit.
I'm also feeling a little down because Mother's Day remind me of how screwed up everything is. I'm trying to focus on celebrating MY motherhood instead
This is such a nice thought - focusing on your own motherhood. Maybe you do your duty on Mother's Day, and then spend the rest of the day celebrating your own successes - and loving your family. It's just a thought.
hugs,
Wildflower
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Thanks wildflower,
For some reason, I didn't find the other M-day thread when i searched earlier... :oops:
I like your response though --
I do what I feel comfortable with, and for me, at this time, that is doing what most people would do for these special occasions - without expecting a normal response. It's my way of being healthy, being normal, being in this world. If they can't live up to the other end of that bargain, there's not much I can do. And at least I'm not feeling like a horrible person by not sending a card, wishing happy birthday, etc.
I do want to recognize her in some way because I think she tried her best with me, screwy as it may be, but I don't want to get sucked into her crazy world or feel like a horrible person.
Thanks for the support!
Caroline
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Hi Caroline,
No worries about not seeing the other thread :D. It's hard enough time keeping up with all the posts on one thread much less all the posts on this board :D. Just wanted you to know there were other solutions out there aside from mine.
I do want to recognize her in some way because I think she tried her best with me, screwy as it may be, but I don't want to get sucked into her crazy world or feel like a horrible person.
That doesn't sound screwy at all. She probably did do her best, but unfortunately that doesn't mean you didn't get hurt along the way. If she ignored the flowers before, maybe that's the right thing to do again (re: not getting sucked in). I know it must hurt to have your gesture ignored - especially since I bet you put a lot of thought into it - but it may be the safest/most appropriate thing to do.
I completely agree with not sending a card from your daughter, by the way. That's not something to encourage - at all. One of those, once you start how do you pull back kind of things. When your daughter is old enough to write a card herself, she can decide whether to send a card - with your support in case it doesn't go well.
I'm curious, though. Why hasn't she contacted you in the last 18 months?
Wildflower
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Hi Caroline,
Just in case I misunderstood you, here are two Mother's Day-related posts (some even changed to Daughter's Day :D):
http://voicelessness.com/disc3/viewtopic.php?t=333&highlight=mothers
http://voicelessness.com/disc3/viewtopic.php?t=343
hugs,
Wildflower
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For those of you with N mothers, I was wondering whether anyone else out there was agonizing/stressing/feeling blue about Mother's Day coming up.
Hi Caroline and everyone. I am new to this forum although I've spent about two weeks reading and re-reading every post relating to N-Mothers. Until now I had no idea what was wrong, even bizarre, in my relationship with my mother. It has been like hundreds of light bulbs going off in my head as I read so many posts that described, almost word for word, experiences that are so similar to what I've experienced. Since my father passed away 3 years ago, my mothers behavior has escalated. All the controls are off and where she used to be able to mask her anger and self absorbtion, she no longer seems to have that ability, except among strangers.
Although I have been attempting to distance myself from her, I live in the same community and since she is 79 years old I have called her every Saturday or Sunday to see if she needs groceries. She is not a safe driver, and her license expired two weeks ago. This is an except from how the conversation went today:
Me: Hi, how is everything? I called to see if you need anything from the store today.
NMother: I have learned that if I need anything I'd better find a way to get it myself instead of waiting for anyone to have time for me.
Me: So, have you heard from (my brother)? (trying to be conversational here)
NMother: No, I guess he thinks I'm evil too.
I have called her EVERY SATURDAY AND SUNDAY for 4 years to see if she needs anything! :? plus phone calls every day to make sure she's ok and hasn't fallen down the stairs since she refuses to move from the two story house where she lives alone. Long story short (too late, I know), we had a falling out in February when she called me to accuse my nephew of breaking into her house during the night and stealing money from her. This was so absurd that I suggested she might have misplaced the envelope with money in it, which it turns out she had. But she became enraged because "you didn't react the way I expected you to (her words). I don't know why you don't think he'd be capable of stealing from me. You certainly would." :shock:
There's more of course, but thanks for allowing me to vent in your forum. This has all been an enormous revelation and I'm really grateful that so many are able and willing to express these things. And I'd love to hear more thoughts on Mothers Day. I'll probably just send a card and try again to distance myself. I just feel so sad for what she's become. And always has been as I look back on it. Age has a way of making us more of who we are, and that's not always a good thing.
Singer
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I just re-read my post and I realize I forgot to mention that I hadn't spoken to NMother from February 7 until last week. Prior to that I had been calling her about 5 times a week. These weren't short conversations either. Usually 45 minutes to an hour and a half. All one-sided. Sorry, folks, I'm a little befuddled. My usual state after one of those conversations. AND I forgot to log on :oops: .
Singer
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Hi Singer and welcome! :D
Since my father passed away 3 years ago, my mothers behavior has escalated. All the controls are off and where she used to be able to mask her anger and self absorbtion, she no longer seems to have that ability, except among strangers.
"you didn't react the way I expected you to (her words). I don't know why you don't think he'd be capable of stealing from me. You certainly would."
Ouch...and oh boy :roll: . I just took a peek in on my way out the door and read this and I just had to reply. This is my grandmother. She’s on her “death bed” right now and one of the last things I heard from her was how everyone had forsaken her – even God. What had she done??? Rrrrg. Well, I won’t go into that long laundry list, but the bit about deteriorating really struck me, too.
My step-grandfather (good man, love him dearly, really my grandfather so I’ll continue to call him that here) was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s a few years ago – just when my grandmother was starting to pull out ALL of the attention-getting stops. My grandfather hadn’t developed any signs yet, he just had the marker – and his older brother had died earlier that year (the reason he went in for testing). My grandfather was grieving over the loss of his brother and (being a psychiatrist) terrified and depressed about his inevitable decline into Alzheimer’s. What does my grandmother do? Support him? Nope. She gets competitive with him. :shock: Starts pretending she’s more forgetful than he is (he hadn’t developed signs yet!) and she would call me telling me how hard it was to live with him because (in a hissed whisper) "he was so damn forgetful". Arrrgh. :evil:
Well, the last time I saw my grandmother, my grandfather was a complete wreck (he had always been a solid quiet stoic man before). I went into my grandmother’s bedroom to chat with her, and she pulled the most pitiful act she could muster (couldn’t even hold the tube of Ben-Gay). I got irritated with her and left the room to console my grandfather who was sobbing at this point because she was going to die (it's been YEARS since, mind you). The next day, I went back in her room, and there she was. Fully dressed, sitting upright on the edge of the bed, wanting to chat like school girls. And then (in front of my grandfather) she actually got up and sprightly walked around the room to turn on all the lamps. This from a woman who could barely lift her head the day before. She really would do anything for attention – so much so that she could no longer keep her story straight.
For people from functional families, they may assume that she was putting on a strong face for me, but for months after this incident, my grandmother had “emergencies” at a predictable time (4AM) that involved my uncle getting up, leaving his family, and driving her to the ER (never mind that she had a full-time nurse duty). One night, exhausted and frustrated, he finally told her to call 911 – and the emergencies stopped (not without a bit of screaming, though). It's gut wrenching to leave someone who appears so sick and in need, but in my book, she’s cried wolf a few too many times – and never once apologized or considered the needs of her family.
Whew, sorry. My point (other than venting along with you :roll: :D) is that they probably will get worse – my grandmother used to be the epitome of Charming Southern Belle and it was so difficult to see through her games. Now, though, they’re obvious. Which is good for my mom and her brothers in the sense that they can finally see how crazy she is – without the veneer of control.
My other point? Vent away. That’s what this board can be really good for (along with getting supportive feedback).
Good luck and you're so not alone,
Wildflower
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Hi Singer and welcome! :D
Thank you :D
My step-grandfather (good man, love him dearly, really my grandfather so I’ll continue to call him that here) was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s a few years ago – just when my grandmother was starting to pull out ALL of the attention-getting stops.
The one thing that really strikes me, and leaves me speechless (as opposed to voiceless) is the remarkable similarity of so many of the events and in the N's behavior. My father, also a gentle and stoic man, developed some mild dementia in his last years. He remained gentle and kind, but increasingly dependent upon my NMother, who, although formerly healthy, became plagued with mysterious pains to the extent that she, and not my father, had to seek emergency treatment on the Christmas night prior to his death in early January. Of course, no treatment was prescribed, since no ailment was discovered. Every phone call or visit revolved around lengthy descriptions of her discomfort. But, not surprisingly, the mysterious pains disappeared soon after his death. Of course the obvious explanation is that she was suffering from stress related pain, and although that is quite plausible it's all a matter of degree and intent. The intent being to keep the focus on her.
Two days before his funeral she tried to tell me that she suspected him of molesting a child during his military service in WWII and asked if he had ever behaved "suspiciously" around me. I was absolutely dumbfounded, shocked and in grief. But she became enraged that I didn't take her vicious suspicions seriously, :( and that I defended my father's memory. She said the reason he was kind to me was because he was used to dealing with low life failures since all the women in his family were sluts. She wouldn't acknowledge either me or my two daughters during the service or for quite a few weeks after.
I guess what gets to me is that for most of my life I believed that my mother was everything that she claimed. Beautiful, sensitive to a fault, beloved by everyone she met (that is, until they got to know her) and although unworthy, I was blessed just to be born her child. Even though I was inferior, sluggish and somewhat ridiculous. :(
I have a feeling it's going to take a while to absorb this bitter knowledge. Thanks for listening.
Singer
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Hi Singer,
Wow, no kidding about the similarities! Yuck. I'm sorry you're dealing with this from your mother. And I'm so sorry that she took up all the attention when your dad was dying. That must have been so hard.
Two days before his funeral she tried to tell me that she suspected him of molesting a child during his military service in WWII and asked if he had ever behaved "suspiciously" around me. I was absolutely dumbfounded, shocked and in grief. But she became enraged that I didn't take her vicious suspicions seriously, and that I defended my father's memory. She said the reason he was kind to me was because he was used to dealing with low life failures since all the women in his family were sluts. She wouldn't acknowledge either me or my two daughters during the service or for quite a few weeks after.
I know it must be hard coming to terms with this stuff (I'm struggling on that end, too), but I have to say, this had me so steamed. :evil: I'm so glad for you that you were able to see through her games and not lose faith in your dad. What a low blow. :evil:
Even though I was inferior, sluggish and somewhat ridiculous.
I hope you don't believe this about yourself (I know how these thoughts can seep in). If you do, think about the person who gave you those ideas - and kick 'em out the door.
Hang in there, Singer.
hugs,
Wildflower
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I'm curious, though. Why hasn't she contacted you in the last 18 months?
Hi Wildflower,
In a nutshell, she's furious and depressed and thinks it's entirely my responsibility/daughterly duty to keep in touch. When I was 6 or 7 months pregnant, I got into a huge argument with my mother and our relationship has never recovered. I’ve never felt close to my mother (I was always afraid of her) and have always been really independent, which I think made her insecure. She always veiwed my independence as a rejection of her and was offended by it. She needs me to need her.
My sister, on the other hand was very dependent on my mother, which she LOVED. The two of them used to be extremely close -- too close. My sis had no friends except mom, she had no life, which I think mom also loved. When sis finally moved away from home at the age of 26, mom became very depressed. I was concerned and called her talk to her about it. She became furious with me saying that I couldn’t know what she feels like because I’m nothing like my sister and I can’t understand how close the two of them are.
Then came all the criticism about my independence, she said all my education turned me into a snob; she can’t believe that she sacrificed so much to pay for college to have me turn out like this; she was offended that I hired a doula for my daughters birth, that I didn’t ask her to be there (she’s offended at almost everything I do); she loves me but she doesn’t like me or my ugly ways; I could go on and on. I was shocked and devastated and told her I couldn’t handle arguing like this, being pregnant and all. She hasn't called me ever since. My parents came to visit after the baby was born and it was 10 days of agony that made things even worse-- details are on "Crazy making" thread. Up until a few months ago, I was calling dutifully every week, but after a big argument with my Dad, I gave up. It was so stressful and agonizing to call -- it really took a lot out of me and i decided that I needed a break.
My sister is trying to work out her life right now and has realized that her relationship with mom wasn’t very healthy. They got into a huge argument (in which mom was really cruel and ugly to sis) and sis has sort of cut her off. Needless to say, mom is DEVASTATED and I think she blames me for it, even though I had nothing to do with it. Sis and I were never really close, but we’re starting to bond over mom. That’s the only bright spot in all of this.
-Caroline
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Hi Singer,
Welcome to the group! I'm new too and have found it soooo helpful to hear everyone's story and to share my own.
I notice that many of us had managed to maintain a decent relationship with our Ns until a big blowout occurs and they really become blatantly vicious. I think we don't really want to acknowledge how terrible our Ns are until we're forced to confront it. Personally, I find it somewhat embarassing to have such a screwed up family. When people ask about my parents, I just don't know what to say. I feel that somehow, I look like the selfish, ungrateful, evil daughter (I know that's what my mom is telling everyone!).
I spent most of my life not really understanding what was wrong with my relationship with mom. When my counselor told me mom was an extreme N, I ran home, did a google search and read and read and read because suddenly, everything made sense. So i can understand all of those light bulbs your'e talking about.
Unfortunately, I don't think Ns get better with age. This depresses me because my mom is only 55!
-Caroline
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Hello all :)
No i do not expect to do anything for my Nmother on mother's day. And, it no longer brings me the kind of grief i've had on other occasions where she's supposed to be the center of attention..oddly, I can't remember any occasion when she didn't make herself the center of attention in one way or another. By action or ommission! * cracking up* pffff hah!
I was helped along not too long ago by a guilt trip I laid on myself on april 16th. Her birthday was april 17th and the evening of the 16th I started having thoughts, memories if you will, of the few good times we had in the past.
I was longing for the normalcy of having a good or at least an adequate relationship with one's mother. I thought of sending her a card with some flowers..( we haven't spoken or seen one another in almost two years...) just so she would know I was still there..while at the same time resisting the temptation to " patch things somewhat up" because that was my role in my family. I went to bed sad, resolved not to do anything about it..the the guilt, odd yucky feeling persisted.
Until...on her birthday the 17th of april, I received yet another letter from their sollicitor stating how I had to be out of my house by may 20th or my " furniture and belongings would be at the road"! Needless to say, that was my final straw..I couldn't get over the sadistic satisfaction that N mother ( and N dad) were getting ..almost like her present to herself was to imagine me opening this letter and feeling horrible.
No there are no more mother's day for me...it's over.
Nic :)
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However, last year, she barely acknowledged my gift (I know she received it) and she hasn't called me in the last 18 months. My gifts are never good enough anyway -- she always has something to criticize -- and I 'm contemplating just sending a card, but I know this will make her furious (especially because she has been sending gifts for my daughter all year and therefore expects something in return).
If your mother hasn't called in 18 months, does it matter if she gets furious? Is there any way to please this woman? I think not. Send her a card. It's more than she deserves.
What will I do for the dreaded holiday? Probably give my mother a card and gift. She isn't as evil as your mother, however.
bunny
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If your mother hasn't called in 18 months, does it matter if she gets furious? Is there any way to please this woman? I think not. Send her a card. It's more than she deserves.
bunny
Bunny,
thank you for the refreshing reality check!!!!!!!!!!! :D
You're absolutely right!!!! You made my day!
-Caroline
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I know it must be coming to terms with this stuff (I'm struggling on that end, too), but I have to say, this had me so steamed. :evil: I'm so glad for you that you were able through her games and not lose faith in your dad. What a low blow. :evil:
I couldn't imagine later what she hoped to achieve by such an accusation. I believe now that it's part of the N's desire to pit family members against each other. My sister ends every phone call to me with a caution against letting NMother know we've talked. Also my brother had requested a military salute for our father at his graveside and this rankled my NMother, his time in the military having been just prior to and therefore outside of her realm of influence. Sick and sickening.
Even though I was inferior, sluggish and somewhat ridiculous.
I hope you don't believe this about yourself (I know how these thoughts can seep in). If you do, think about the person who gave you those ideas - and kick 'em out the door.
How do you overcome a lifetime of waiting to be told what you think? I've read that some N's are not very verbally skilled, but this wasn't so in my NMother's case. She verbalizes without pause and usually without need for any input or feedback.
Funny story... not long after she and my father married she had been talking to a girlfriend on the phone one night while my father was attending night classes at college. After a while she noticed that her friend hadn't said anything for quite some time, so she asked: "Are you there?" No answer. "ARE YOU THERE?" still no answer. (I can't count how many times she's demanded "ARE YOU THERE?" forty minutes into a "conversation" with me.) Anyway, my father walked in at that point and my mother told him they must IMMEDIATELY drive to her friend's house because something TERRIBLE must have happened to her. My father complied even though he was becoming aware of NMother's love of drama and must have been tired after a day of work and a night of school. When they arrived, the curtains at the front window were open and they could plainly see the friend sound asleep on the floor with the phone receiver beside her where it had fallen. My mother tells this story to point out how sensitive she had been to the needs of her friend. :shock: I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Oh well. No, I don't have much self-esteem, but I have become better at seeing what's what. Maybe that's the reward...learning to try to understand and not perpetuate the cycle.
Singer
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Hi Singer,
Welcome to the group! I'm new too and have found it soooo helpful to hear everyone's story and to share my own. ...
Unfortunately, I don't think Ns get better with age. This depresses me because my mom is only 55!
-Caroline
Thanks, Caroline. Mother's Day is weighing heavily on my mind. I'll be spending the day with my own daughter, but I can't believe how much time and energy I have wasted trying to justify to myself not making an attempt to see my NMother. She doesn't want to see me or my daughter, just wants us to make the attempt. Over and over again.
I am much like your sister in that I believed we had a relationship of some kind until the rages became more frequent and less logical. And there's always the fear of behaving like an NMom myself. That REALLY scares me.
Singer
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Hi Caroline -
This has also been a thorn in my side.....my first "official" Mother's Day at war with my mother. On one hand I feel sad, but on the other I feel LIBERATED! I have not talked to her in two weeks (tomorrow) and I have never been so stress-free in my life. It is so obvious that some friends of mine (who don't even know about my mom) have commented on my "obvious lack of stress". WOW!!!!!
Also, to make myself feel a little better about the whole situation, I think about how my mother treats ME as the mother of her grandchildren. She has never respected, acknowledged, or commented positively on my abilities as a mother. As you know, your mother's support in your own parenting journey would be much appreciated and needed. Since she can't even give me that, I figure why should I bow down to her and kiss her plump rump like I have always done? Not gonna happen anymore. This is the new Michelle and I like her alot better than the old one!
I will send a card and have already decided just to get a "general" one. NOt one of those mushy ones that she LOVES, but doesn't deserve. No gift this year and definitely nothing from the children, not even a card. PO'd is an understatement of how she will react - I am already anticipating, but am way past caring. I am planning on not speaking to her verbally until I get the kind of message (either phone or email) that relays to me a small bit of remorse and willingness to work on our relationship. I know that will not happen anytime soon - possibly never - and figure that it will be a cold day in h*ll before I hear that. I am willing to take that chance. She has hurt me and my family long enough. As my counselor says, "You can't help someone who won't help themself" and "If I don't put my family (H and kids and myself) first, who will? Definitely not my mother.
Don't feel bad. Hold your head up high and KNOW you are making great decisions for YOUR family. Your mother does not care about you or them in the way that she should. As much as I know this hurts, you have us here to care about you, heal with you and root for YOU and your well being. This has to get better for us, it can't get much worse!
Celebrating YOU on Mother's Day,
Michelle
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Welcome Singer - we are glad you are here and using your voice!
Until now I had no idea what was wrong, even bizarre, in my relationship with my mother. It has been like hundreds of light bulbs going off in my head as I read so many posts that described, almost word for word, experiences that are so similar to what I've experienced.
I can relate to you on this one - I always thought my family was "normal" growing up. Boy, was I wrong and boy was it a shock to figure that out! I just started posting here as well recently and can agree to that "hundred of light bulbs" theory!!
You have an element that I don't have though - your mother is older than mine, she is only 47 this year. I know that must be a huge element of guilt for you and am so sorry. I'm not sure how I would react to the situation in that case, probably much like you have. It still does not allow or justify her actions though. I think keeping as much emotional distance from her as you can is absolutely necessary.
Just know that we are so happy to have you here. Use these new resources that you have - we are happy to be here to help you out in your growth and healing!
Take care of yourself,
Michelle
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Funny story... not long after she and my father married she had been talking to a girlfriend on the phone one night while my father was attending night classes at college. After a while she noticed that her friend hadn't said anything for quite some time, so she asked: "Are you there?" No answer. "ARE YOU THERE?" still no answer. (I can't count how many times she's demanded "ARE YOU THERE?" forty minutes into a "conversation" with me.) Anyway, my father walked in at that point and my mother told him they must IMMEDIATELY drive to her friend's house because something TERRIBLE must have happened to her. My father complied even though he was becoming aware of NMother's love of drama and must have been tired after a day of work and a night of school. When they arrived, the curtains at the front window were open and they could plainly see the friend sound asleep on the floor with the phone receiver beside her where it had fallen. My mother tells this story to point out how sensitive she had been to the needs of her friend. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Thanks for sharing that, Singer. Really made me laugh. I've also got a mother with a one-way phone, as does Portia. We were talking about setting them up on the same line, but I don't see why we can't set up a conference call :lol: :lol: Definitely laugh at that one.
How do you overcome a lifetime of waiting to be told what you think? I've read that some N's are not very verbally skilled, but this wasn't so in my NMother's case. She verbalizes without pause and usually without need for any input or feedback.
It's tough, to tell the truth, but you don't have to do it all at once. Just talk with folks here, and I bet so many of those yucky internal voices will start falling away. And so you know, my parents were both highly skilled in the verbal department :roll: . Very hard to see through - especially when getting a lecture.
Hang in there,
Wildflower
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This is the new Michelle and I like her alot better than the old one!
WAHOOOOO!!! :D :D :D
Wildflower
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Hi Caroline,
Yeah, I figured it was about the pregnancy, but yuck. How awful to have to hear criticisms like that when you're pregnant. Even after reading and remembering all the stories and reading all the literature, it still boggles my mind how they can be so insensitive and weird about someone else, um, having needs.
I'm glad you and your sister are becoming closer though. It's really good to have someone to compare notes with and can help sort out so much confusion. Not to mention the bright part about gaining a sister. :D
Take care,
Wildflower
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This is my first post. . . but I just had to write about Mother's Day. My sister & I are struggling with what to do for this. We've decided to just send flowers, as when she starts counting up cards and gifts, flowers seem to be the most important count.
At this point, my dad is in a nursing home and in no great hurry to get out. Mom has decided she needs to move (they were told this several years ago), but decided to insulted about being told what to do. Now that dad is somewhere else, we get phone calls (that last for hours). If we don't get the phone calls, then she will call other friends and family and speak against us.
Also, she has said, she wouldn't be in this mess if we lived nearby. In one breath she tells us she can handle things by herself, and in the next breath she asks for advice. Any advice given is taken as being bossy. A friend once told me to consider, when on the phone, to act as if you're a trash can. She doesn't want any advice, all she wants to do is dump on you - so - don't put any effort into giving the advice, once you've given it once.
My sister & I have started timing the amount of time before we utter one word on the phone with my mom. My personal length of time that's gone by before saying "uh - huh" has been 25 minutes. My sister's has been 20 minutes.
For awhile dad used email. Mom never used it - and dad was the one filter that was in place to keep email away from her that might upset her. Now however, that filter is gone. For years we have asked her to quit speaking against us. We told her it would be nice to be able to trust our own mother. She apologized and said she always does the wrong thing. Unfortunately, somehow the computer got infected with a virus. For about 3 days, every email she sent out, my sister & I were copied. We found out what we being written about us, not only to family, but to financial advisors.
This Mother's Day is a little more complicated, as their 50th anniversary is coming up. She doesn't want anything, and yet if we don't do something, we will hear about it for the next 5 years. So we've decided to fly out, camp in a National Park, and go and come as we want (but take them out to dinner for their anniversary).
So the struggle right now is to do what is right for both my Dad and Mom and to deal with all the guilty feelings.
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Hi SY1T,
And as one newcomer to another, Welcome. I still can't get over how much of what you said sounds just like what I've experienced. Or more precisely, how similar the behavior of NMothers can be. It's quite a relief in a way, not to feel like such a Lone Ranger anymore.
So the struggle right now is to do what is right for both my Dad and Mom and to deal with all the guilty feelings.
I've spent quite a bit of time trying to do what I thought was right for my mother. And for my father while he was alive. I now truly think that my efforts were not only wasted, but might have been counter productive. Here I was with grown daughters and still wanting Mom to say I was a good girl. It wasn't gonna happen. But, the point is I HAD to try. If I had walked away from them earlier I think the guilt would have destroyed me in many ways. So even though I sustained quite a bit of damage, it's all been part of the process of healing. Now I CAN turn away when I need to, although it still makes me sad. I know I gave it my best shot. And if my best shot wasn't good enough, well so be it. At least I tried.
My point is, that you've gotta do what you've gotta do and only you will know when you've done all that you can.
She doesn't want anything, and yet if we don't do something, we will hear about it for the next 5 years.
Very likely you will hear about it anyway. My brother took my mother and father on a vacation once and to this day my mother takes great pleasure in recounting in painstaking detail everything that was not to her liking. And the whole trip was not to her liking. It ended with my father becoming ill with chest pains and my mother demanding to be taken to the airport in the middle of the night. Poor Dad often got chest pains when Mom was being a pain in the a**. :)
Singer
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I will send a card and have already decided just to get a "general" one. NOt one of those mushy ones that she LOVES, but doesn't deserve.
Michelle,
Sad, but funny. I have to make sure I have time to hit two or three stores when shopping for cards so that I can find one that doesn't contain the words "loving" or "caring", or worst of all ...what an INSPIRATION you've been to me." :roll:
I wish they'd put in a "Mother - from emotionally abused offspring" section. Sure would save time.
Singer
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Singer - thank you so much for sharing. It's nice to know we're not the only ones in this.
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Singer - I am rolling on the floor laughing my butt off!
I wish they'd put in a "Mother - from emotionally abused offspring" section. Sure would save time.
I'm actually surprised Hallmark doesn't carry this one yet. They have cards from dogs to their owners, and lots more crazy ones. I will keep my eyes open and when I see "our" cards on the shelves I'll let you know. :lol:
You are a hoot!
~~Michelle
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Actually I've got a bad habit of making light of serious subjects. Displays of emotion were labeled childish and ridiculous when I was growing up. Better flippant than ridiculous was my theory. Of course one also runs the risk of being thought of as insincere. I'm still learning that one the hard way, unfortunately :(
I will keep my eyes open and when I see "our" cards on the shelves I'll let you know.
I think there either must be a whole lot of people buying our cards, or only a very few. Be interesting to know which... :?:
Singer