Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: changing on September 12, 2007, 03:07:21 PM
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NH decided to show up today with the police- as per my previous post, he had agreed to get a release from the psych to get his guns back, didn't want me to turn the guns in at the station, didn't want any trouble with the lawsuit against his former employers. So I took him at his word- But he lied to me... Instead he brought the police and told them that I refused to give him his things and such (such a lie- he is ruining my life). He was quite smug, and they threatened to arrest me . They said if the guns hadn't been here they would have...I couldnt find things at first, and they brought out the cuffs, etc. My house looked ridiculous with the boxes of his stuff in front with a tarp (although the female supervisor said the my porch, house, and yards were very pretty, asked about things that I had done there) and I felt like I was going to be on Cops! with that pile of boxes ( I usually do not have that sort of thing, but spent my days off school dragging that stuff with a cane in one hand) I missed turning in my paper that counts 40% of my grade at law school and missed classes as well. I have been doing so well, at least so far. I am doomed. This is very bad, indeed. I feel sick and defeated. If I get arrested I am out of school. Who knows what he will do now.They say not to start law school when you are getting a divorce, but I felt compelled to, with my age and health. This is such a blow to me- I don't know what I will do now.
It was horrible, neighbors came to watch the show and talk and talk to the cops. I was ordered to stay down , as if I were a major threat with my cane. I had to keep down with my hands empty, no cell phone calls, etc., and he stood up there leaning and impassive, lying to the cops, looking down at me. I just want to die, I can't escape this. I am very private, and now I look so terrible to my neighbors, and the police have a record of this with my name on it. NH is probably off of his medication. I have ordered a company to move all of the stuff out of my house in the morning and store it for a month( I said for renovations) I can't afford this, but I want to have no problems for me or the pets, when he strikes next time. He still wouldn't take his boxes out front. I am so sick over this, and afraid of the next round. He seemed upset when the cops left, that he hadn't finished me off, no arrest , etc. I just wonder what he had told them to have them ready to arrest like that. My life is over.
Changing
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Changing,
I feel so sorry for you. What a shock. I don't know what to say, except I feel so much for you.
It's a good thing you managed to keep your cool in such a stupid, stupid situation. How could they possibly think you were a threat?
I'm not so sure that your neighbours will think badly of you, though. These things might look 'only one way' at the time, but surely they can put two and two together and not make five?
I suppose the only positive thing at the moment that you can think of is that he didn't actually get what he was trying to - he didn't manage to get you arrested.
Let me know what happens, when you can.
Janet
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Thank you Janet for your post. I was so embarrassed- when one is in a situation like that, it's very easy to look crazy.The whole thing seems so crazy, I tried to keep calm so that whatever NH said about me would not look like the truth. The cop said that I was not credible because I had not filed anything about the guns with a judge ( it wasn't my place to- the mandate was from the psych) I am so shaken, getting things in boxes, etc. I may stay elsewhere. Should I warn his former employers (he had made threats to me about killing them )? I may have to withdraw from school.
Changing
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Thank you Authentic-
It is so embarrassing and wacky- not respectible. Thank you for understanding- it is so hard to explain.The idea of taking his stuff to a separate storage is great- I appreciate it, I just can't think for myself now. I will put his stuff in a separate place, clear out my house, and then think of my next move.
Thank you,
Changing
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Stop. Changing. Breathe. There is no reason to withdraw from school.
Breathe.
(((((((changing))))))))
I'm so sorry. This sucks. However, we've all had the cops around every now and again.
What, we haven't? Well anyway, some of us have. And life goes on.
Email/call your professor tell your professor that you had a troublesome issue blow up unexpectedly today regarding your ongoing divorce. Just tell them that. You are paying for your schooling. They need to work with you. You are a paying customer. Your paper is done and you need to go turn it in right now. Take care of yourself.
Breathe.
Screw your neighbors. If they know you two then they know he is a troublemaking freak and you are a sweetheart. If they don't know you, they can go jump in a lake.
Breathe.
Go arrange to turn your paper in and then come back and you can come hang out here and get support. I know everybody here is totally with you.
And if you told that schoolful of future lawyers what you are up against, I bet you would have a school full of future lawyers raring to be set loose on your ex just for practice. It is an alluring vision, is it not?
(((((changing)))))) I support you fully.
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Authentic-
I did find the guns, and gave them to the police. They called a supervisor (this was a lengthy process) and discussed whether or not to keep them as per the psych order-they gave them to him, and he took them in his car. That's why I wonder if I should call his old employers and warn them? The cops warned me not to stir up a fuss. I'm not the one who was making threats to murder, and has a dangerous mental condition...
This is why I didn't call the cops when he hit me- he would have had me arrested by saying that I hit him as well. That's how the system works. I was so happy when he left, and now I'm stuck with his madness again. Thank you for being there and understanding.
Changing
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You need a good lawyer. There is just no reason why you should be a sitting duck for him.
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Thank you Iphi and Authentic-
I am going to do a few more things and then try to get some sort of order of protection- tough in this case. I need to hire a P.I . and get his phone and address also- he was even secretive with the cops about this. I guess I have to go to war with that NH jackal. I will think about school later- too late to go there, its Rosh Hosahana eve, they leave early today.
Thank you again, I don't feel so nuts- it would be so hard to tell someone who is unfamiliar with the situation everything - too crazy.
Changing
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Not to be mom-like but -- I think you should contact your professor now. I know they provide email and/or phone on the syllabus. Even if you have to leave a message it is important for you to do to CYA.
I really believe you will find a lot more support from people than you might be expecting. Hang in there sweetie.
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Changing,
so sorry to hear all this.
I know that an arrest could harm your law career.
So, I was thinking: Can you speak to the Dean of Students and explain the situation, let them know what's going on in case (God forbid) you are arrested and get some support & advise?
I am sure that you are not the 1st woman to be in law school in the midst of a nasty divorce from an N.
What do you think?
Love,
aslly
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Dear Changing,
I am so, so so sorry. I could cry to picture you with your cane and so much dignity being humiliated by
that sick bastard. I would like to rip him apart with my bare hands.
How horrible for you to have been made a spectacle of. I am so, so sorry. Can I help in any way ?Let me know.
Your XH will stop at nothing.Now, you know exactly how far he will go. It must have been a huge shock to you-- even from him.
I cannot imagine the pain , fear and horror you went through. To think that you once loved this man. It is unspeakable.
Your beauty and dignity cannot be taken away by anyone.I love you . Ami
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Janet, Authentic, Iphi, Sally,Shunned and Ami-
Thank you for responding. I really needed your help- I was so shamed by what happened, the way the cops spoke to me and told me that I had lost my credibility (I still don't see how, but it was spoken in a very ominous tone- what could NH have said to them?)in front of everyone. Now my house is a shambles , inside and out, with my frantic activity- Thank goodness they have those pack, haul and store services, and thank goodness I have such a tiny house! Most items should be gone tomorrow morning! I wish that I had a family to stick up for me, talk to the cops, etc- thank you for being my family, somewher I can talk about this with
I had breakfast with the dean the other day by chance in the little cafeteria- I am afraid that he will look down on me if I go to him about this. But I will think about how I would approach him and what to do when I am less agitated. I will try to hang on.
You made me feel less ashamed and more normal- now I can go talk to lawyers, P.I.s and present a better image, in order to get better assistance. Thank you for being good friends to me when I don't look respectable or sane to the world- I hope that you never have this sort of trouble, but that I can help you all in some way as well.
Love and Thank you again,
Changing
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Iphi and Shunned-
I emailed my professor and said I had an emergency (non-specific); tomorrow is Rosh Hoshanna, so I will turn the paper in Friday and see her in office hours. Thank you for the idea- it was important to handle things properly, and I have been in a panic. Now I can let that go for the moment.
Bless you,
Changing
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Changing,
I can understand that it's very traumatic for you right now.
But you have done nothing to be ashamed of. You have just coped really well with a horrible experience.
I'm sure there will be people at the college who will understand. Do they have student counsellors, for when people have personal issues? Would it be OK to talk to 'real' (as opposed to us 'unreal'!) people to help get what you need to do next clear in your mind?
It shouldn't have to be that, just because you are studying law, personal legal issues are taboo!
Janet
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Oh changing,
What a beast he is. Almost unbelievable but I know it's not. You've had some good advice and I like the one about ALL of his stuff going to storage, in his name and then, well then would there be any need for contact?
Good Luck with school and straightening this out!
You Dear Soul
Love
Izzy
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Dear Changing,
Other than "The" Dean, is there another higher up you could speak with? Is there a Dean of Students, who is one rung lower than the Dean? Do you have an adviser?
I understand why you feel shame ((((((((((Changing))))))))))))).
Would you feel better if you owned your shame and then maybe realize that the situation does not reflect shame on you, but rather is a terribly messy divorce from an N?
Love,
sally
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i wrote a post to you, Changing, but it got erased. It is so upsetting to even have policemen in your house-- let alone what you went through.
Last week two came over asking questions about my neighbor. Even having them in my house was so uncomfortable and "creepy". I remember just thanking God that they were not there for me.
When I think of you with your dignity being treated so shabbily by them-- I am so,so angry.
I can see you in my mind's eye, I see graciousness, dignity and quiet goodness. It is a curse on your XH for him to treat you this way.
My friend Maria who is very "Godly" has said that anyone who ever hurt her had it come back on them. I think that what your XH sows, he will reap--- I really do. Your are God's special child .
"When my mother and father forsake me, God will lift me up". People who are abused and whose family has deserted them(like us) hold a special place in God's heart(IMO).
I hope that this does not sound trite. I look back on all the ways that God has protected me and it is amazing.Also, I see that what people sowed, they reaped
Contact me if I can help in any way Love Ami
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changing - I hope you are feeling a bit better and am so glad you contacted the prof. Your education is just so important and I know you want it so much. I hated that today might have sabotaged that. Good for you!
Now, it seems clear that you need good advice and support IRL. In the past I learned, to my surprise, that you can call the women's shelter in your area.
They have many, many resources in the community, including references for lawyers. It's not just for physical shelter. You need good advice, support and legal counsel ASAP.
CB123 is right - this horrific passage can really be turned to good account in your lawyer training, though not helpful in passing the bar. When you are representing a client you will need to pursue their interests in every feasible way. If you do not, then you are not properly representing your client. So it will be good practice for you to pursue all remedies and assistance available to you now.
Sleep well and, remember, don't be a sitting duck.
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Hello My Friends-
I got some more of the things in the house outside-then I flew out, took a chunk of my savings out of the Credit Union, just in case ...I went looking for a lawyer, you just won't believe this! I had a consult with a lawyer who went to my law school, and offered to speak to the profs, etc, for me! She gave me such wonderful information, and understood the whole thing- she is embroiled in a lawsuit against our corrupt P.D. ( It is well known that our police here are rotten, many books, etc about it). She has a case that is very similar, except they won a judgement against the cops. The cops then came to the client's place of business for a "fire alarm" - arrested the guy and claimed he was hitting them!!!! she wanted to add my cops bad acts to her list, but I said no- I don't want to get into another fight at this time.
I learned how to not owe $ to NH because I live in the house (document needed repairs , etc). She thought the idea of taking everything out was good as well.
Bad news is he can come in until I buy him out- what a nightmare.She said to call 24/7- she will get me out of custody quickly if need be, before they ship me off to the jail in the boonies, and gave me the name of a goodlocal bondsman . (her office is actually a couple of streets away from the local lockup.) She said that it would be good experience, just like you did here! She advised me to wait a bit to file, take care of some items first, as the filing of the papers set things in stone- but I'm getting everything together and may push the filing. My batteries are dying...
Thank you so much Friends!
Changing
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oh Changing,
Doesn't it feel great to have good news and it comes from someone who understands, has connections, and good advice.
I was so pleased to read this post.
Love
Izzy
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YeGods, Changing, I am so sorry hon!
I am so proud of you.
You have sounded so CLEAR even through your fear and distress.
I will never forgot your deep kindness to me in so many posts.
Please, turn that right into yourself right now.
I am so so pleased about your advocate.
Thoughts with you tonight, ready to hear more.
with very much love,
Hops
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Changing,
Your latest post sounds a lot more hopeful than your first! I'm so glad for you. This is such a scary thing to have to deal with. It sounds like the lawyer really knows her stuff, so you'll get good support there.
I'll be thinking of you today, Changing.
Janet
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The thing is...... it's hard to think in a rational manner, at first.
Every time they hit you with some crazy unforseen cowardly act..... it's difficult.
Eventually.... there's less shock and more rational thought... and then they have BIG trouble; )
I know you're going to figure this out. Love the PI and he's not smart enough to best you, changing.
Thank you Iphi and Authentic-
I am going to do a few more things and then try to get some sort of order of protection- tough in this case. I need to hire a P.I . and get his phone and address also- he was even secretive with the cops about this. I guess I have to go to war with that NH jackal. I will think about school later- too late to go there, its Rosh Hosahana eve, they leave early today.
Thank you again, I don't feel so nuts- it would be so hard to tell someone who is unfamiliar with the situation everything - too crazy.
Changing
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Dear Changing
I am praying that God will lead you in the way that you should go and He will make doors open and close for you-- in your best interest. I think that you will have supernatural Divine guidance and happenings as you go forward. I really, really do.
"With God -ALL things are possible" I hope that I don't sound "trite". It is easy to say these words. However, I have had so,so,so many supernatural things happen to me that I really should have NO doubt However, I do doubt
I am praying for you. You are such a precious. precious person Love Ami.
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Sounds like you got some good advice there, changing.
I like it when we make the switch to our battle cry.....
and leave the fear and dread behind; )
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Last night you were on my mind changing and I was apprehensive. I was apprehensive that you would not act to protect yourself. I know that we were 'raised' not to do so and you have in past tolerated a great deal, unaware of your right not to do so, and your strength in enforcing that right.
I am SO happy you went right out and found a lawyer who knows what she is doing and you have a forming strategy and plans for contingencies!!! YAAAAY!
Don't tip your hand to the psycho. Let HIM get caught unawares. :twisted:
You rock girly!
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Hello Iphi, Izzy, Ami Authentic, Lighter, Shunned, Janet, Hoppy, Besee, Sally, and All-
I have missed a total of 3 days of law classes (at most 2 classes per subject, the least 1 class per subject). NH came yesterday AM when I was ready to leave and I stayed inside (he said that he had been up since 4AM (I don't care) and other squirrelly stuff. I will have all of the things out of the house except bare bone living requirements by Saturday (I hope) and will leave any time he or cops come, if they let me. I know that splitting up with an NH can be the most hazardous period, so I am cautious.
I have emailed my paper, emailed my professors, requested reasonable accommodations for my disabilities (as is my right to do- so many people get accommodations, I never asked for them except for parking). So maybe there can be some good to come out of this, in addition to documenting the NH/gun debacle further, and a complete clean sweep of the house (what a pain).
I just remembered last night (I am not very bright- brain cells dead and dying) that I know the head of the investigative body that is actively investigating the P.D. here, through my undergraduate academic work. They had worked with my professor, and I was given an opportunity to interview and correspond with them. I am going to call this person and just outline what happened to me, and see what they say. I am too afraid to directly make a complaint using the P.D. format, but would be very protected here. I might even introduce my lawyer, but after the divorce- too many complications, I think. At least there would be a high-level record of the incident, including the NH psych mandate and gun issue, and they know me in another context, so my credibility might be greater here than with the cops!
I am also going to take the further excellent suggestion of contacting the local DV shelters. I also have worked with them in a non-therapy or shelter capacity- they do so much interfacing with the cops. I can't believe how brain-dead I am, and how you all have helped with getting me on track in big and small matters and in prayer and friendship. I finally spoke with a friend of many years regarding this- it has always been a one-way street as far as my helping her with many concerns, etc, but this time she was very concerned with my situation, and offered to have me stay at her place, is calling periodically to see if NH has finshed me off, etc.
Even though I am an infinitesimal blip in the universe or on my street for that matter, no one has better and more loving friends than those that I have found here, and no head of state has better or more sincere advisors than you have been to me. I am eternally grateful from the bottom of my heart.
Love,
Changing
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Changing,
I'm really pleased that things are gradually sorting out a bit. It's good that you have the offer of somewhere else to stay, if you need it.
I've been thinking about you.
Janet
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Dear Changing,
I think that the "waters are going to part" for you and you are going to walk through--unharmed.
Love to you,Dear, Ami
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changing - I'm so excited to hear about your actions. Good for you! I don't think you are dumb or full of dying brain cells at all. I think you were triggered and froze. I freeze too, just when it would be best to leap into action, and at those times I need help because I can't think. So don't you put yourself down or be mean to yourself. Nice changing, good changing, we like changing, changing is nice. :D
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hi changing.
All of that post sounds so positive. Everything will work to your favour with all the aides you have. I am so happy for you.
Brain dead? No way! Sometimes we just don't have to think about certain things in a long time so they are not at the forefront of our brains.
I have been watching "Are you smarter than a 5th Grader" to see what they are learning, about age 10, but I was 8 in GR. 5 and I am happy that I can pull up so many answers. U.S questions are the worst--not made for Canadians----and others sound like College level :P
Good on you girl
Love
Izzy
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I'm so proud to be considered one of your cabinet members, lol.
You're certainly one of mine: )
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My Dears-
It is Sunday, after a tumultuous week. I have been getting everything boxed and moved out of the house, consulting with lawyers, memorizing bailbondsmen's numbers, etc- I could not walk, even with a cane or walker, last night or this morning, due to overdoing it physically, and lay helplessly as I heard my dogs calling (it was a temperate evening, and they have water, food, a large white shed that looks like a house and a laundry porch that the can open and close the door to to sleep in if they wish) and cats mewing. When I could go a few steps today, not steady mind you, and went into the front with my big puppy boy- he barked furiously at a drunken? deranged? man who came by and wouldn't leave, until the puppy scared him off- thank goodness for my Samson(though he is young, boisterous, and tough to manage and train when my foot completely shuts down)-I feel so vulnerable and incompetent.
I don't know what is going to happen- I will continue to do my best- and try to accept the outcome with grace. You have helped so much.
Love to All,
Changing
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Dear Changing,
I wish that I could take you in my arms and hug you . I would give you a nice,hot cup of tea and we could cry together about life . Love You Ami
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Oh changing, you poor dear,
That sounds horrendous. You've just worn out every part of you? Now how long for recovery back to where you were?
I know that totally helpless feeling when there is not a thing you can do and I have told myself that under certain circumstances the words "I can't" can be used! What do you require now? complete rest and good food? I'll see if I can e-mail you a bowl of Chicken soup!
It sounds as though your doggies were all right except for missing you?
It sounds as though you might have the necessary things done? I hope so. Are you safe?
Take good care, regain your strength and keep in touch
Love
Izzy
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Changing,
You might feel vulnerable right now, but you certainly aren't incompetent! Just worn out, I should think.
Janet
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Ami, Izzy and Janet-
Thank you for tinking of me. The lovely tea, delicious soup and encouragement are awesome! Ami, I am sure that you gave an elegent and successful party! With your new voice, you must have mesmerized your guests!
Dearest Izzy- I wrote a long post to your Assertive thread asking about how you are doing, growling about your wounds and sores, and it died- yet you were posting to me at the same time! You are the best - a role model for EVERYTHING- and I love soup as well!!! My foot, etc have not been resolving as they usually do- maybe more damage (inevitable but I should not hasten it)- I will try posting again. Please know that I care and adore you.
Janet- Thank you for your vote of confidence- i will endeavor to deserve it. Hope you and the owls have a dreamy night.
Love,
Changing
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Dear Changing,
Forgive me for forgetting...but I can't remember if it was injury or RA that has caused your pain. An accident, I think. Regardless, I am really sad to think of you trying to cope with all that tumult while you're also feeling physical pain. Can't describe how much I admire you for accomplishing all you have.
That said, DANG I would like for there to be a little group of sisterly women in your life who'd move right in and keep you company and give you some help!
love and a soft pillow for your foot,
Hops
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Hi Hoppy-
I had a fall from 3 stories and my heel was completely crushed- pulverized, nothing to knit together, joints asunder. They refashioned a sort of heel from bone grafts, metal and who knows what- many other things have been damaged but that was the worst. Nerve damage, tendons, back, arm, hand (unfortunately my dominant hand), leg, even my jaw. My face blew up so that my eyes were completely shut and I couldn't speak- the oral surgeon said that he had never seen such a thick jaw! I couldn't help but laugh to myself and think of the biblical "jawbone of an ass"!!!
Thanks for the pillow, kind Hoppy.
Love,
Changing
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Oh my. Oh my my.
Oh my, I am so very very sorry, Changing.
Hops
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Dear Hoppy-
I am fine, don't worry. I just have to be smarter in approaching tasks, etc. But thank you for caring.
Love,
Changing
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Oh my goodness, oh my goodness.... ((changing))
So much to handle all at once.... and isn't that always the way?
Like being cast into an unexpected furnace and every direction looks difficult.
Except there are directions that take us OUT of the furnace and some that take us deeper into it.
You're right there at the door..... going in the right direction.
Just hard to keep anticipating someone pushing you back in.
The cowardly rat....
really ticks me off that he's so hurtful when you're having a hard enough time,
but I suppose he'd do better...
if he could: /
Once again... you're on the right track and amazing me with your strength and courage.
I can't tell you what a lovely surprise your posts have been.
This is leading somewhere, changing.
Besides out.
You're gonna be just fine.
Keep in contact with that Professor of yours.... she's a great advocate to have on your side.
And the lawyer.... Samson.... us.
Now..... what pressure can we put on that N today..... hmmmmm?
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Hi Lighter, Hi CB-
One more post and then I must get to crackin'! Lighter , I was thinking about the utter cowardice of NH as I was extending my open hands for the cops for so long, taking their abuse. He had lied to me and to them to set that scene up...a real man wouldn't watch such a thing and not stop it. Ptooey on him...
CB I had a workplace accident. So now I have to reinvent myself!Thank you for your faith in me and my future! Now, I've got to sling a mop...I mean la Pieta- and someday, I will go to see the real thing!
Love,
Changing
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Oh and changing.... they think their so clever.... you fairly see the smirk while they enjoy their little set ups.
Such tiny little minds.....
preoccupied with tiny little non victories.....
that lead to more nothing: /