Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: gratitude28 on September 13, 2007, 10:45:12 AM
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I have been trying to determine what exactly I want... what it is that I am searching for by being here with you and sharing and learning. I have accomplished so much - I am no longer paralyzed by the thought of a visit with my NMother. I see her lies and tricks. I no longer am sad that I know she doesn't love me. I cannot redo my childhood. I am moving along to the point where I don't want revenge (I am being honest here).
So what do I want? Or what CAN be achieved? I love my dad. I want him in my life and in my kids' life. So to see him, I will have to deal with her some. She doesn't call me, so I don't have to talk to her much. Actually, since she has little desire to chat with me, she pretty much tells me when my dad will be home (he works out of town a few nights a week), so the kids and I call when he will be around.
I think the most important thing is that I let her impact my life as little as possible. Again, I think I am getting there. I do still get pangs of "How can you be like this?" and "Why can't you see what others see in me?" But these are fading as well.
So... what do you see as your ultimate outcome when you have progressed with understanding and accepting your situation????
Love, Beth
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Dear Beth,
What I see is our connecting our "feeling "part of ourselves(inner child) with a thinking part of ourselves(loving adult) that DOES NOT have their voice in it. I see that I must jettison their lies and distortions about me and about life. I must throw them over board or my life will sink. It has sunk b/c I let them control my mind and hence my life.
i see myself separating truth from lies . When I can do this, I will know the truth about myself-- that I am worth loving . Then,my life will work.
I think that you are asking the important questions that need to be asked and answered. Love Ami
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Beth,
I am possibly further along the road than some on here. My goal has always been to lessen the pain that I feel.
At first (while I was still in contact with my NMum and NSister) I thought I could do that by REASONING with her, and explaining how hurt I was. Obviously, that didn't work. I tried that till I was in my early thirties. After No Contact started, my METHDS shifted, but the goal has always been the same. I wanted to lessen the pain, and having NC eventually has had the desired effect, to some extent. I don't dissolve into tears very day. But I do still have nightmares, and I have some serious triggers that set me off. I still want to deal with those. I have just discovered EFT (emotional freedom technique) which is great for calming down issues from the past, so I am hopeful that I can lay these last ghosts to rest.
Ultimately, I would love to get to the point where I could come across my NMother or NSister when I wasn't expecting it, and not have a panic attack. At the moment, I don't think I could avoid that, so there's still some work to do.
I used to live with an N-ish boyfriend, but after a year's counselling at a rape crisis centre, the reminders of his behaviour aren't nearly as severe as those of my 'family' are.
Janet
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To survive without bitterness until she dies, and stay compassionate and fair.
Without gnawing off my paw.
Hops
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Hi Beth,
Your words, your thoughts have flown through my mind so many times that reading your post was as if I'd written it.
I've made lots of progress and you have too. I got to the understanding stage of Nmoms personality a long while before I got to the point of not wanting her to at least try to be a mother and the desire to get revenge. I'm with you though, I finally got there. The thing I'll never know is why she became a pathological liar. I'll never know why lying and manipulation became so ingrained in her psyche that it became her reality. The thing I do know is the theory of psychiatry that narcissism is induced half by environment, half genetic. Her two sisters are the same with hardly any variation in the behavior. The sad thing is that she rarely speaks except about external events. That goes for the past as well as current events in her life, things like who was there, how they were dressed, gossip, who has passed away, local crime, bragging about the people she approves of, how bad their children are, whether they keep a good house...things like that. I'll never know what went on in her little girl life back in the day. If she were able to talk to me about that, we would have a RELATIONSHIP. The part of her soul that could and should interface with my soul is secreted away somewhere. Unreachable. Sad.
I have had to release my desire to 'get to know her'. That secreted part of her will never be exposed. I have accepted that she abused me simply because I was there and a powerless target. Her abuse as I see it now had nothing to do with whether I was her biological child. Any living creature that entered her 'bubble kingdom' where she reigned supreme was subject to the same treatment I received.
"How can you be like this?" and "Why can't you see what others see in me?" But these are fading as well.
Yup! I've asked those questions too. You see Beth. Their reality is so far removed from the normal range of human thinking and behavior that they can't be concerned with the questions you want so badly to understand. How they think and process life IS their reality. And there is something in the psyche of a narcissist that drives them to hold their 'position' at all costs. That's my thinking now. Others may think differently, but I've looked into the face of narcissism for seven years straight and I have not seen anything, not even a hint of acknowledgement of or regret of or dissatisfaction about the pain and dysfunction her behavior has caused in our family.
So what to do next? Well, I've stated my case here several times. I couldn't live with myself if I abandoned her (or anyone) to the life she would have without me. I'll do the caretaking as long as I can. She could easily out live me. But if she doesn't the next stage will be a facility.
You my dear, are on the right track. Plan your Nmom's present OUT of your life as much as you can and do life with enthusiasm. You are surrounded by pure gold, your husband (when he's not deployed), your children, Henry, you still have your youth, you're educated, bright, engaging, lovable.
Chances are that you will recycle some of the old feelings from time to time, but they will get farther apart and have fewer triggers. Blessed relief!
Sincerely,
tt
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I can sum up my goal very succinctly. It's not possible right now, but in the near future I want:
No Contact
Or at the very least,
Only necessary contact.
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Beth,
My goal regarding pathological narcissists is to be so busy living well that I don't even think about how pathological they are.
In other words... they will be irrelevant - just some more of God's children who need Him as much as I do.
Love,
Carolyn
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Hi Hops,
To survive without bitterness until she dies, and stay compassionate and fair.
Without gnawing off my paw.
A seemingly austere statement that says it all for our caretaking kind!
Hi Hope,
Holding on to ones pathological narcissism... My goal regarding pathological narcissists is to be so busy living well that I don't even think about how pathological they are. In other words... they will be irrelevant - just some more of God's children who need Him as much as I do.
I'm learning from my brother. If someone insists on being an A - Hole, don't stand in their way. Doing life well, now that's a worthy goal.
tt
Love,
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My goal is to be whole so that Ns can be Ns, but.... they can't do me any harm at all. My personal goal is to reach the part of me that is creative so that I can write my books or my stories and they say what they are supposed to say and I can feel satisfied at having done that. I wish to love myself and not ever be bitter any more.
Pennyplant
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TT,
You always say that you don't express yourself well. You had so much wisdom in that first post that it took my breath away.I have not been living with my N M,but I have been yearning for her. I am yearning for what------ no one is there- BLEH Love Ami
Keep writing TT. People like me need to hear what you have to say
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Ami, I so agree. TT, your post was so sweet and helpful. And you brought up a big point - lately I cannot tell what is real and what is fantasy regarding my mother. She makes up these outrageous scenarios that are ostensibly from her childhood, but I know they are not real. I don't really know her either and that is strange when you spend such a large part of your life with a person. I also agree that we have grown a lot. I think you have grown in that you know what you are willing to compromise on, and what you need to do. I remember there was a time when many here seemed to be saying you HAD to go No Contact and you didn't feel comfortable with that. I think we all have a comfort level - and not all of us will find it in NC. For me, just knowing what to EXPECT has taken away so much of the hurt and harm caused by her. She can't surprise me anymore. That is our arsenal here. We are armed with the knowledge of what can happen with the N.
PP, that is a place I also want to be. Again, I think we are getting there. I am hurt less and less. I too want the ability to trust myself and lose myself in creativity. It is hard when we are so critical of ourselves. I know with my painting class, my teacher said to have fun. But it wasn't fun for me... what if I failed????? I am albe now to sketch and draw and not worry that my work isn't perfect. Like with photos, I have had a bad habit of destroying anything I am afraid of others seeing.
Will continue in a new post so I don't lose this one or time out.
Love, Beth
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CB, TT, I also try to allow others their right to Aholehood. But I also refrain from dealing with those people now. Before I would have wanted to "get even." But there is no point. I try to think now that those people were meant to be a lesson to me that day. I look for what I can learn...
Ch and CB, yes... being busy with one's own life should lead to a lessening of needing/wanting the N. I have to admit, there are times when I wish I could call and just chat with my parents... complain or brag... whatever. It seems you should be able to do that with the people you grew up with. But I am accepting that I will never have that in my life. I have other friends, my husband... all I need is here for me and I am thankful for that.
Hops, you do a marvellous job of being kind and considerate. There must be a special place in heaven for you :)
Tayana, I think for you and your son, NC does sound like a very necessary plan. I wish you speed and sanity in getting there. Your son is sweet and wise. You have done well with him.
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Yes, authentic, I think the issue id DEFINITELY an internal one. we cannot let them affect us. We can't change them... just how we react to them.
Janet, once I realized what "tapes" were and that the ideas in my head were often not my own, I too was able to make progress. You feel crazy when ideas that are not your own pop into your mind... I feel like I have made a ton of progress in this area. I have nightmares at times too. Mostly I am screaming at my mother that she hates me and she is laughing and picking on me. Helplessness, I am sure.
Ami, I am just now starting to realize the lies... This is taking me some time to sort out. I am not sure what vitriole she has spread about me...
Thanks all! It is good to hear about your goals and where you have met them.
Love, Beth
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To recognize them whatever their guise, to recognize their sycophants, and to go my separate way in peace.
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(((((((((((((((((((((Stormy)))))))))))))))))))))
It's so nice to hear from you. Yes... stellar goal.
Love, Beth
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My goal without a doubt is to Nfree. To have the widsom to walk away and not try and rescue, to value myself enough to know that I am worth more than being a victim, to be excited and happy in my life so that there is no room for an N, to be peaceful within myself, to feel loved by myself and hopefully one or two others.
A tall order but working on it
axa
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(((((((axa)))))))))
Can I be one of the others??? You are an awesome person who is an example to others. You are worth way more than being a victim or being sucked in...
Love, Beth
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I don't want to necessarily say my "N" anymore, since it was not diagnosed professionally...but my goal is to hope that ____ truly finds peace in herself from God, that her ministry would prosper and that with the measure of mercy she gives to others, it will be given to her. I expressed the actions that happened with the situation. My heart was never to tear apart the person. In my view, she deserves a chance to be all God called her to be and to walk alongside whomever she chooses in life. I want to see her never have another depressed moment because of the people in life. I want her children to love the Lord and serve Him all the days of her life. I want her to one day get a revelation from God of the deepest part of his love.
and I sincerely mean it, no matter what happens from this point on. I agree with the other person who posted to this board...NO BITTERNESS IN ME TOWARD PEOPLE.
so be it.
~reallyME
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My goal in regard to my Nmom is to figure out how not to take her decisions regarding her life so personally.
My goal is also to learn to accept that she will never be the mom I wanted, and to accept that thios is not a refection on me.
My goal is to learn not to feel guilty that I don't like my mom, or want her near me, or that I don't even really love her.
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That's it!!!!To live without bitterness. Right on!