Lighter.....
Can I come, too?
I had to pick just one post this morning to read. (I am burning the candle at both ends)
....but wanted you to know that your post this morning gave me such a breath of fresh air.
Much love,
CB
You're always welcome in my kitchen, CB. ::offering a stool and hot tea or coffee::
Let's warm some Fresh Market crusty chewy bread and eat it with butter...mmmmm.
I was so happy to see your voice this morning..... it was the first post I read (((CB))
Come back, when you can, and let us know what's keeping you so busy.
Why did he fool around with me if he thought it was a bad idea. he accused me of flirting with him. I promise, he started it. I was in class and I was his partner at that particular moment and he said he could not see what the teacher was showing because that girly body of mine was distracting him. I was not flirting. I did not have enough confidence to flirt. I could not. That was three months ago. Yesterday he told me that I did not dance at his level. I know I dance better than him. I have never told him. I ust told him that I need more firm leadership during dancing and he said I was wrong and got very mad. I just said that I neede a cue more obvious so i could understand the turns he wanted to lead. He told me that it was my fault, my arm is too flufy. I still dont understand what happened last night. He practically told me he did not want to have sex with me. He wanted it before and I was not ready. Once I am ready, he does not want it anymore. He wanted me to feel rejected.
We have fun together, but he always does someting that puts me down. But he was being so sweet. He was so sweet last time we were together. I brought his dog, we walked his dog together, we did meaningful things, we sat and had coffee, we did nice things other than dancing, we listened to music. Now I know that he is capable of hurting. He has problems against women. He does. I knew it. But I feel attracted to people who mistreat me. Probably because of the abuse I suffer as a child. I feel so aukward. So awful. I feel sick. Upset. I wish I could feel furious or mad. Instead I feel sad. I don't even want to go to the gym. Not for the rejection, but because I still fall in the same hole. I am mad at my self. So much meditating, and reading, and posting, for nothing. Still same sh*t, just a different date.
He was punishing me. He was mad because I told him that he was not leading me correctly. I hurt him first. He reacted. But I was being honest. If I would have to be walking on egg shells all the time so he does not punish me, it would be a horrible life. How can such a little thing make him feel so bad? I would have done almost anything for him. He did not see it. I mean, except to take care of a sick husband or support a husband with out a job. LOL
Lighter, why do you think I feel so sad?
Dont kill me for what I am going to say. I feel that I provoked that man because I was not humble enough. The bible says you have to submit to your man. That is why he had to punish me.
I know, I know, it is stupid, my reason tells me, my brain tells me, but I sitll feel that way. I know I know. Dont yell at me please.
WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE CELBRATING THAT I WAS APROVED TO HAVE MY OATH NEXT WEEK FOR CITIZENSHIP. I WORKED ON IT FOR TEN YEARS. HE DESTROYED MY JOY, LIKE MY MOTHER ALWAYS DOES, HE BEHAVED EXACTLY LIKE MY MOTHER, THAT IS THE WAY MY MOTHER BEHAVES. THAT IS THE WAY MY MOTHER TREATS ME!!!!!!!!!!
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TEN YEARS AGO, I GAVE A CONCERT IN MY TOWN. PEOPLE WERE STANDING IN OVATION. MY MOTHER TOLD ME ALL THE MISTAKES I DID RIGHT ABOUT COMING FROM THE STAGE. BECAUSE SHE IS A PIANIST SHE KNEW. BUT SHE DID NOT HAVE TO TELL ME WHEN PEOPLE WAS EXCYTED ABOUT ME. SHE SABOTIZED ONE OF MY SON'S BIRTHDAY PARTIES.
THIS MAN IS LIKE MY MOTHER. I AM NOT EMULATING MY FATHER, I AM EMULATING MY MOTHER.
in my family everybody was abused. Everybody. My father was grab by his feet and thrown to the wall by his father. My grand father was tied to a tree to be punished. Dignity did not exist in my family for generations, in both sides of my family.
It is amazing, I have been posting and reading since 5:30 this morning and I feel a little better now. Thanks to this board and the people who takes time to write and talk to me, whether I like it or not. That is friendship. Hope that one day I can meet you all. I can have coffee with you. I can take you to my dance school. I can go to the beach with you. I need you so much!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just tell me why? why chase me? why ask me out? I do not flirt with men I am not interested on. I do not call men I am not interested in.
BIG CONGRATS ON CITIZENSHIP! YEA LUPITA!
xxxbesee
Thank you so much CH.
I still dont understand why ask me to celebrate to destroy my joy.
If I pursue something, I would be happy when I get it. I would not punish the person who says yes.
CB, but in some way you are much healthier than me. You are still friends with that guy. You are still going out with him. So, you handled it perfectly. I did not. I left my guard off. I fell.
I still miss the flirting. That is bad. I do not need that to feel well.