Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Overcomer on September 17, 2007, 06:56:54 AM
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As most of you know I am moving in October. We have not listed our home because we have so much repair and maintenance to do. I am clearing the clutter and my H is doing the repairs. However, the pressure is getting to him and rather than stepping up to the plate, he is drinking and smoking even more than usual. He is also on a constant tirade about one thing or another-especially my kids. And the more he gripes the less HE does. He is driving me crazy. I put down plastic after the
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carpet was cleaned so the dog peed on the plastic and he fell on his butt. So he started yelling and screaming and it was 5 30 in the morning and everyone was asleep. Then he started bitching about my kids. Problem is they do not respect him because they know he is a drunk and he smokes. He wants respect because he is the adult. What to do? Maybe just ride the storm out?
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I wrote a post about a woman who has a great marriage.They never fight.( if you can imagine that ....).She said that it was really hard for them when they were remodeling. They were really on each other's nerves.
I would not make any big decisions about your H ,now. Moving is so,so,so awful. On our last move,I felt like I would have a nervous breakdown.
I would ride it out. When you get settled in your new house, re-visit the situation.My H seems to be really "changing" as I set up boundaries.I am really surprised. You never know what will happen.
My H is not a true N.,I don't think. Wait until the move is over is my opinion.It is very stressful on him,also
Love Ami
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Good advice. He was really voiceless as a child-even to this day his folks do not give him credit for much. Anyway, I realize the man cannot handle stress AT ALL! He and his buddy at work butt heads all the time because they are both got headed. At first I was very affected by his tirades-now I just tell him to shut up! BUT his constant need to medicate with alcohol is troublesome-his sister is a raging alcoholic and he is an alcoholic as well-I am convinced! Wish he would get control !
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Dear Kelly,
I have a very hard time with any stress b/c I am not centered enough in myself ,yet. I don't drink b/c it is medicating the problem. Then , the medicating becomes the bigger problem.
After the alcohol is taken away, the insecure person is still there. Reading the inner child books has helped me to see that my H has an inner child that is "tormenting" him, too.
I don't take any abuse ,but I have a different heart for him ,now. I don't see him as the Ass####.
I see him as a hurting inner child--most of the time. I have shifted in my perceptions with myself and others.Yesterday,I could see the women who were after" my H as "pitiful" .I was not angry as much as sad. I think that the move is 'abnormal" circumstances. No big decisions should be made when you are going through a huge life change like a move(IMO)
Keep sharing and writing about what is going on. It will help you cope better,I think. Love Ami
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Yeah he is a hurting kid too. He has two sisters and he is the only one without a degree. His parents paid for the girls but not him. He has been successful without a degree without a pat on the back-now they want us to take care of his loser sister and when he refused he was accused of not being loyal to the family. However, I do not think it is fair that he takes his anger not on me!
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Overcomer....
how can you keep your equilibrium and continue moving in a positive direction.....?
How can you keep your kids focused on what's their's and not on the drinking smoking abusive screaming out of control? Step Father?
Can you?
I'd be tempted to start making lists and calmly tacking them up in places everyone would see them.
Maybe the house needs to have a "GOING ON THE MARKET" date that motivates your husband?
Maybe he needs to be asked what he wants to do.... what he thinks should be done?
Some people respond better when we manipulate them into thinking the ideas are their own... ahem.
Maybe he needs to be given an ultimatum?
The point is... you have options and maybe you're hoping for something that isn't possible?
Maybe changing your expectations or asking for something in a different way?
I have no idea what the answer is..... but wanted to throw out some food for thought.
Sorry can't be more help.
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Dear Kelly,
i think that everything NEEDS to be addressed-- how he treats you, the drinking etc--not just at the same time as moving.I would only address the things that could not be ignored --like abuse etc,but not "long term" issues Love Ami
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Thanks! Made a list of things that need to be done-27 in all. He says looking at the list makes him more stressed yet he constantly reminds the girls of what they need to do. He also hired someone to do his stuff because he can only do like one a day. I originally set the date at August 20 Now it is tomorrow and he said my deadlines were unrealistic.
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Overcomer-
Greco-Roman mythic tortures were largely mental/physical mixtures in nature, conceived to drive the recipient mad, i.e. Sisyphus , eternally condemned to to push a giant rock up a hill, only to have it roll back and begin again. You are wise to make a list of tasks so that progress can be seen, rather than facing an amorphous lump of seemingly unending jobs! I am glad that you are making sure that everyone feels safe and secure at home, and the many outlying issues can be taken up at the appropriate times afterward. I hate moving!You have my sympathy and support...is your new place fantastic? That makes it easier to get through- you can see your new home in your mind's eye.
Love,
Changing
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Many many moving blankets to you, OC...
metaphorical ones too, to wrap around your nerves.
Maybe just full-stop twice a day and spend 3 minutes sitting quietly with your H.
Just to connect...about "sitting with" the change.
Perhaps you could ask him if he'd do that w/you? Might ease the tension.
hugs
Hops
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Well, the cleaning ladies came today and they said the house was quite dirty. I picked up everywhere but didn't clean (well, I take that back I did a once over on the toilets as I cannot imagine some poor soul cleaning other people's poo.........)
I am almost done with my stuff........the kids? No. Husband? No. But we are putting it on the market anyway!! No more delays.....(having surgery didn't help much..)
Yes, the house is fantastic. A huge yard AND a pool. So not only will I be skinny but I will have a tan, too!!
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That's the spirit, Overcome, lol: )
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At first I was very affected by his tirades-now I just tell him to shut up!
This is just a thought - since you recognize how anxious he is do you think that acknowledging his frustration or anxiety might be helpful. I am learning to do that with my son. Even as I typed this he began a tirade over a problem with his toy. By a major miracle I have been able to ask how I can help rather than yelling at him or running to another room. It is helping me if not helping him. But I'm sure it will help him become less anxious as an adult.
Just a thought. - Gaining Strength
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Great thought! I did refrain from getting mad and ask him how his elbow was-he was over it but I am sure it was quite a shock at that early house.
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Hello Overcomer-
Have things settled down a bit? i have been thinking about you and am concerned that you might take on too much after surgery- I certainly hope not. Let us now about your progress- can you eat yet?
Love,
Changing
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Well the whole thing was poor timing. The surgery was scheduled and then the house thing. I was out of commission for at least a week maybe two and my H just stopped working during that time and drank instead! Right now if I eat too fast I get this stopped up feeling which cannot be fixed by drinking-in fact it makes it worse! I get my first fill on October 5 . After that I guess the weight starts falling off! Yea!
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Overcomer-
The most important thing in timing now is you. I know the other things will come around- please don't push yourself too hard in the meantime- We want you healthy and glowing when you model your elegant new Ann Taylor clothes!
Love to you,
Changing
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Thanks! Oh my aching back! I just busted my butt getting this house ready to show! Boy I see so much wrong with the house!