Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: gratitude28 on September 17, 2007, 03:02:15 PM
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I just received this lovely message:
[You are one of the most hurtful people on this board.
Take your tough selfish alcoholic stance and go somewhere
else. The most vulnerable people in the world come here...
not tough broads with brain damage like you.
/quote]
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Jeez gratitude I'm sorry to hear you received such a message. :(
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Yes, me too. Thank you, Iphi. Fortunately, I think the "Good eggs" outweigh the "Bad eggs" here.
Love, Beth
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Ummmmm..... tell me you're joking about that message, gratitude?
::shaking head in disgust::
I'm so sorry you received that..... can you block that person from your mailbox?
I sure hope so.
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Gratitude,
I'm sorry you were sent that.
I've always found you to be sensible, and even-handed, and very thoughtful.
Unlike the person who sent you that PM.
You posted something yesterday which I thought was very important. You said : "This is not a game."
Some people, obviously, think that it is.
Janet
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Gratitude,
I'm sorry you received such a hateful reply. I have always appreciated your advice.
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((((((((((((((((((Thanks all))))))))))))))
I care about the people here. I feel like we are a family more than anything. I appreciate your kindness. I was pretty shocked, but, as I said, there are enough people here who care about each other that one person cannot hurt me. :) Another life lesson *sigh.*
Love, Beth
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It does not sound like any regular board member(by the words or tone). I bet it is just someone trying to be a "jerk" and mess with you. and the board,in general. To me,it does not sound like a real "complaint". It sounds like a bad and crude"joke(in poor taste)---like a Crank call.It sounds like a simple ASS.
You are so sweet and kind to everyone. I can't see that someone could ever really "mean" what they say in that way.
Ami
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It IS a regular board member. I think this is enough that she see I will not run from her rudeness.
Love, Beth
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Gratitude-
Is there any way to find out who posted those dog droppings? There must be some method...If so I have a firm reply, free of personal attacks, damaging expletives and flames, ready. Remember, Dear Gratitude, a dog may bark at a Queen, but the Queen need not bark back. Forget this kooky bizarro barking post-We can demonstrate the self-moderating model here, rather than create a big scene over these sub-cretinous canine evacuations. Ptooey. Peweee-I hope that I haven't stepped on any of those words...I must look on the bottom of my shoes...
Love to you Gratitude,
Changing
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For the love'a Pete..... why would someone message you like that?
Makes no sense at all... ::shaking head::
It sure didn't sound like a joke to me either: /
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Hi Changing,
I know who the person is. I am not going to "out" the person, as I still believe we all need a voice here. This was rude and mean and I hope the person will think twice before attacking someone here again. I also think it is unbelievable that this person is screaming out that people don't feel safe here while posting this sort of garbage.
love, Beth
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Gratitude-
You are a regal being and truly noble. I understand your rationale- I only hope the poster recognizes what you are doing, and takes the opportunity to apologize and make proper amends . Please , whoever did this, take hold of yourself, and apologize.
Love You My Friend,
Changing
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By the way, even though in general I don't think it is cool to post PMs, I definitely think posting that PM was the right thing to do. Sunshine is a great antiseptic.
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Dear Beth,
I am so sorry you received that. Sounds like someone is trying to intimidate you.
Even considering the source, etc, etc... it still hurts to hear... please just don't let that nastiness trouble your heart.
With love,
Carolyn
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I still disagree. The moderator wouldn't read our private messages. This is like my myspace. If I don't know the person, I don't read the mail. If I get something like this here, I know it is someone who still has issues.
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You are joking, right??? That cannot possibly be a true PM. If it is and you know who it is, I just cannot believe it. Unless that person knows something we do not know...
Wow!! I personally have never had an ugly PM. Every single time it has been something like, "boy we have a lot in common...." or "thanks for making me feel so good..."
I have always felt that shining a light on ugliness is the only way to get rid of it...........otherise it becomes like "the family secret."
I outed my mom long ago. I refuse to have to abide by the dysfunctional family rules.
I still say..............if you do not like someone.................then avoid them. Do not post in response to their post. Post in response to the one before them or after them. Pretend they do not exist. You only give power to someone who pushes your button by reacting to the push.
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I don't understand- would a Moderator be involved with Private Messages as well? If not, than they would be of no use whatever in this instance. In any case, we can block any further pollutions from that unfortunate person ourselves, anyway, if they were exhibiting their limited abilities in that manner. And I would expose them to the light of day, for good measure, if they were to send suchlike to me- as a warning to my fellow villagers.
Changing
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Yes I don't think the moderator question is relevant to a poison pen PM. I've been on plenty of moderated boards with PM issues, which are always kind of mysterious since the majority don't know and can't verify what the heck is going amongst whom.
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Unless that person knows something we do not know...
Gee, thanks Kelly. LOL. I am secretly a werewolf. Sorry I didn't tell you before. I knew it would not be a nice message when I saw the person's name.
Changing, I have always received kind messages from the people here. This is a one-shot deal. And it proves that we cannot take to heart words of this kind. Goodness knows, we've hear enough of them in our lives. But there was a point when this would have wounded me deeply -and, to tell the truth, I most likely would have been groveling, trying to get in the person's good favor. I really used to be like that. I was so scared that someone wouldn't like me that I tried to be everything to everyone.
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Gratitude,
At least, now that they have 'shown their hand' to you in a private message, you can go into your Account Profile and key in their details so that you can get any further PM's from them 'Ignored', so that you don't have to even SEE anything else from them in your personal inbox.
I think, even if we had a moderator, Private Messages aren't ever a part of a moderator's area of influence, due to the way the software is set up.
Janet
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Sure, authentic. It was not she who wrote me the message.
Love, Beth
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Hey Beth..............you know I was joking, right? And Authentic....I didn't think it was you. In fact, I have no idea who it could be. Guess I am just dense. I trust everyone.
Beth, I would have done some groveling in the past, too. I am soooooo glad I do not care anymore. Boy, I have grown so much. I simply do not care if someone says something nasty to me.....it is their problem!! Thank God I am over that!!!!!
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I don't trust EVERYONE, I'm afraid.
And I have a very good idea who it was.
I'd put money on it.
Janet
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Hello Authentic-
If I could somehow block NH like a deranged PM, I would adore it, actually. Unfortunately it is hardly an apt comparison , though. NH cannot be blocked in 3d and I have to deal with the threat rationally. At any rate, apparently Moderators do not manage one's PMs. If NH were to PM, I would block him. If NH were to post, I would let the board know and ask that NH be ostracized by my fellow villagers. If not, then Moderator or no, I would not want to be wasting my time on the board with NH. Period.
Best,
Changing
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hi Beth,
Just back from hospital and saw this too!! How awful!!
I hope you took it with a grain of salt so to speak and you can email Dr. G with a copy. He can block that person! He ought to be able to find his/her IP address and that is what to block so that NO mail can come from that person.
Hang in there
Love
Izzy
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Thanks, Izzy!!!!!!
Was it just routine at the hospital??? How are you??? I haven't heard too much from you lately. Does this mean you are too busy flitting about enjoying things to post a lot???? I hope so.
Love, Beth
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Hi Beth,
Good heavens! I go wash the dog and vacuum the floor and come back to this. I'm glad you had the presence of mind to take it for what it is UGLY, and that you posted it here. You are a princess, OK Queen Beth and you didn't deserve to be attacked like that.
PM's...I've seen them turned into weapons here.
************************
[/color]
Iz,
Is there a place where I can block PM's without going through Dr. G?
tt
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Hi,
What happened to the 'Poll' thread? What was the outcome?
tt
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Wowza, what a question. Lol. It exploded, basically... and then imploded. Amazing what happens when you vaccuum. I might try it one day myself, just to see... (the vaccuuming, that is).
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Authentic pulled it, ( she was the one who'd started the thread).
Janet
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Beth,
I can't believe that someone would send you a PM like that, knowing that you would know who it came from. Wouldnt they worry that you would out them? I think, actually, that I would. That's abuse--not just a difference of opinion. I don't think abuse is entitled to privacy. And people who abuse count on the darkness of silence to cover them.
If you don't feel comfortable outing them, can you send the PM to Dr. G? Would that matter?
I'm so sorry, Beth.
Love
CB
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I don't think ANYONE should feel they have to leave because of harrassment.
And that's what we were discussing on the moderator thread - how we can get to a point of support for ALL people here who want to speak in safety.
I hope you don't leave, Authentic. You have too much to offer, to people who want to hear you.
Janet
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hi Beth,
I have a post "asserting myself"-- and it has turned into me and my broken leg. (Likely a 9 month deal) I don't begin many posts, and I try to respond to what I feel I might have some reasonable input, but I steer clear, pretty well, of N-mothers, N-husbands still present, and N-children.
My frames of reference are the N my daughter married and the N I got mixed up with and left 5 years ago.
I am in therapy to find out who I am!
Loive
YzzI
[attachment deleted by admin]
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Izzy,
Thanks for the flowers and sorry I haven't kept up!!! I will check it all out and see what the news is :)
Love, Beth
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Gratitude - How deeply disappointed I am to know that anyone would send such a hateful PM. I am truly disappointed that we seem to be going through yet another period of unkindness here. It seems to come and go in waves. I so long for a community that is supportive and encouraging of one another OR can just let those we disagree with alone.
My heart aches that you have received that message. - your friend - Gaining Strength
(I'm also sad that someone here is so filled with such anger as to lash out rather than simply ignore.)
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what is the moderator thread?
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Hi Beth,
I'm curious about your Subject line. I can't tell if you're saying you want a Safe Spot on the board or if you're saying the UGLY PMer is advocating a Safe Spot. I'm a little thick headed today. Must be the vacuuming!
tt
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It was from the Moderator thread. One of the people who was saying we need a safe board was the one who sent me this. Kinda ironic, eh??
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Yes. Ironic. Crazymaking. I guess an habitual A - hole will be one no matter what or whom...
tt
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Thanks for the giggle TT. :lol:
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Authentic - I missed all of that. I have been reading very little lately because I have been looking for inspiration and encouragement. I don't believe that meanness is ever allright and while I have learned to overlook posts that I find unhelpful the issue of meanness is yet another thing all together.
One of the problems with confronting such meanness is that the confrontation does not curtail it, it escalates it at least in this environment. It is a very, very sticky situation. On one occasion I saw something that I thought reprehensible (it was not meanness but dogmatic) I chose to respond to the recipient via a PM. It was risky but I could not stand by and say nothing and yet I felt that posting re: the matter would have made things worse.
You are bringing up a very, very important but difficult matter. In this case because the sender has not been identified we can all make comments and pontificate but the matter is not exploding before us. I don't mind weighing in because I am commenting about the words and cannot be interpreted as commenting about a person. When it is in the midst of a dialogue everything is taken personal and becomes explosive quickly.
It is a terrible dilemma.
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Hi Beth,
Did you know there is a BLOCK SENDER function in your PM Inbox?
(((((((())))))) :(
Hops
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I went to my e-mail box to check this. Exactly where is it?
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Thanks Hops. I never thought to do this as I have only ever received kind messages.
I appreciate the help.
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GS,
If you click on the blue box that says 'Profile' above here (4th from left) , then choose modify in the left hand margin, and then Personal Message Options, you can key in the email details of the people you want to block.
Janet
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Hi GS,
Actually it's under Profile (one of the top navigation buttons).
Then you'll select:
Profile
Modify Profile
Personal Message Options
"Ignore List"
Hops
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Thanks Hops and Janet
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:( I have been an infrequent flier on this board, in addition to being new.
I have been so happy to see only nurturing and love from the posters, and that has given me hope.
and then I came on today and saw strife,and discord. what happened?
I am sorry that you were subject to a nasty email. That is the exact type of behavior that brought us here in the first place, no?
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Thanks, Starfish, don't let a little odd day turn you off. The people here are very kind. I put this PM out there because I wanted the person to know I would not stand for it. As I said earlier, for too long in my life, I rolled over and tried to please everyone.
I am glad you are here. I have not read your story yet, but plan to very soon.
This is a good place and these are good people.
Love, Beth
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Part of me says ALWAYS out a mean person-PM or on the open board. Au was pretty specific today about leaving her alone and I think she was only mad at one specifically. Beth told us the message but I do not know who sent it-tell us Beth! I wanna know who sent it. Why not? They had the audacity to say it, why not out them? Meanness should never be tolerated but a differing opinion SHOULD! That is one of my biggest beefs with mom-if you do not agree with her you are the enemy! Not here!
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Dear gratitude,
I am really sorry to hear about the message you received. It disturbs me thinking that someone out there is abusing you in private. Is there anything else you would like us to do to help? Personally, I'd like to know who the member is, but I can respect your decision either way.
X Bella
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Beth, you were asked this:
Beth, can you please chime in here and tell people it wasn't me -- I'm hearing (maybe in my paranoia) silent accusations.
[/size]
In response you wrote this:
Sure, authentic. It was not she who wrote me the message.
Love, Beth
[/size]
The full stop between the name "Authentic" and the next sentence which refers to "she" makes it seem like you're talking about two different people.
Can you please write a statement clearing my name of this deed.
If I have anything to say to anyone, I would say it right here on the board, as most of the people here who can't stand me will attest.
Thank you.
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Authentic did not write the message.
Storm, that is rough. That goes way beyond this.
All of us need help here - even the person who sent me this letter. I am sorry she feels so strongly against me, but it does not upset me or scare me. I feel sorry that she is so unhappy.
If someone were to do this to you, new member or old member, I believe you need to deal with them calmly, by either reporting the person to Dr. G or allowing them to see their own words, as I did. Letting a person like this affect you is letting someone STILL control you. We need to keep this board for us, and for new people. We have our great new section with stories... we need a place here where people can ask questions and have mature answers.
Dealing with bullies, alas, is also one of life's lessons. It has been a hard one for me. But I feel like I am in a good place now.
There were two people who dod this to me before - and I was scared and upset. I have grown and learned. I did not do this for sensationalism. I did it to show the person I will not tolerate it and I hope it will help others as well.
I love this board and the people here.
Beth
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Remeber a long time back (someof you will), bean and RM were pretty heated in their arguments with one another. The got rhough it, dealt with it like adults, and are both very important and helpful members here. It happens.
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I did write the message -- I am asking you to exonerate me from the innuendo that I wrote that response -- if you look back in history I wrote as Guest 101 when I first came back here.
I did not ever want to become a member because of what has just happened.
I remember Beth, you said that I would never have to prostrate myself to be heard again, because I said this has been my life long issue.
Beth, do I have to beg you to say: Authentic did not write this message?
I am begging you -- if it makes you feel better -- to say Authentic did not send me this PM message.
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Authentic did not send me this message. I wrote this post somewhere already this morning. Don't know why it isn't here.
If you look at the message above it states what you asked there.
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She said it like three times. We believe you Authentic!
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Maybe I didn't notice it because of the way it is said:
Cold, dismissive. Uncaring -- that is the way it reads to me.
I guess I am looking for: Oh, oops -- oh, sorry -- my bad -- don't worry hun -- it's okay
I am still doing it, aren't I -- even now.
Trying to get someone who won't -- to show that they care, like my mother wouldn't. It is almost embarrassing.
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Authentic,
I really care about you. It was glaaringly obvious yesterday that you hadn't written that PM to gratitude, for anyone who had eyes to see (and ears to listen).
Would you please PM me?
Janet
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Authentic-I care about you too. You were correct when you said you were trying to get affirmation. You cannot control the way people speak and you do not really know if it was cold and dismissive because you cannot hear her voice-only read her words. Honey, when I ask my H to do something he is very defensive and snaps at me. I have to remind him that I am not his mom who was a critical parent so he does not have to react to me as if I were. Same to you dear Au, we are not the enemy here-we
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Are your friends!
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Dear Authentic,
What Kelly said you HAVE to receive----Many people care about you ,love you and are your friend.
You are triggered right now by ALL the similarities to your FOO. When I had to have a C section,I was inconsolable. NO ONE could reach that dark place inside me that kept replaying my mother's abuse to me.I was a COMPLETE embarrassment to my H who worked there. I could not help it .
I could 'hide" it when I was in social situations BUT when certain situations came up--I became unglued.I became a gerbil on the wheel --going round and round in ORIGINAL pain, You are back being abused again--in your mind. THIS is NOT the board.It is you as a little girl being RAPED
Authentic-THERE ARE BULLIES here---BUT THIS iS FOO issues. It is not 'real" as you are seeing it.
There are a few bullies here. Many people are just "doing their own things. You have a few people who love and care for you deeply. That is how it is for every single person on the board.
Do you think that I was bullied as badly as you? Probably yes. However,I could "tolerate" it b/c it was NOT FOO stuff.
You could probably go to the dentist or have a C section and not become UNGLUED.
There is no shame in the triggers. Maybe,BULLIES will SEE what stupid sniping does to people.Maybe , everyone can OWN their part and we can go on.
Love Ami
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I went to a talk by a Tibetan Monk yesterday and his topic was anger. He believes that anger does damage to the angry person. It is very toxic to be angry and their is no benefit for anyone because it does nothing but harm. He went on to say that we should thank the angry person for the information but not take it in. There is no reason to get angry. If someone is angry at you and you are triggered by this anger it is your responsibility to deal with it by :
Not focusing on the angry words and angry person and therefore holding on to the poison
Breathe deeply and focus on what you love
Breathe deeply and meditate immediately.
This may sound idiotic if you are nashing your teeth over some verbal attack but it sounds pretty good to me. This is a technique used by priests and nuns who were tortured by the Chinese for years. Basically, it says to be careful not to give too much power to the angry person. Who knows why they are triggered by you and it probably has very little to do with you.
Hope that helps
Don't feel silenced. You can't please everyone. I like what you have to say.
Sea storm
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Remeber a long time back (someof you will), bean and RM were pretty heated in their arguments with one another. The got rhough it, dealt with it like adults, and are both very important and helpful members here. It happens
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I do remember that and i can say i think Bean is awesome at this point. I think what happened, was that she was triggering some things in me without intending to, and when she and I finally took break away from each other, we dealt with things in ourselves and were able to come back with good hearts toward each other.
I still say I'm extreeeeeeeeeeeemely proud of Miss Bean to the MAX! I kind of feel like she helped heal a huge part of me from the past, that some other people were not able to stick around and work through with me. She stuck with me somewhat covertly at first, but now, we are on good, amiable terms. Right Beansie? :) If you want, maybe you could share your end of things too? It's up to you though if you want to or not. I respect ya and love ya either way.
Hugs to Bean
~reallyME
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Dear Authentic, It didn't even cross my mind that you wrote that message. I consider you to be brave, and always striving to get things out in the open for discussion. Its really so refreshing. I get the sense that the person who wrote the message struggles with these things.
X Bella
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He went on to say that we should thank the angry person for the information but not take it in. There is no reason to get angry. If someone is angry at you and you are triggered by this anger it is your responsibility to deal with it by :
Not focusing on the angry words and angry person and therefore holding on to the poison
Breathe deeply and focus on what you love
Breathe deeply and meditate immediately.
This may sound idiotic if you are nashing your teeth over some verbal attack but it sounds pretty good to me.
Sea storm
Whatever happened to "Hate the sin, but love the sinner?"
Seems you all ganged up on the unfortunate person who sent that PM, instead of asking what had made them so terribly hurt as to strike out? I have seen enough religious talk
here, to expect better of this group.
wondering
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Hi Wondering-
Hope you are well. There are imperfect people here (especially me), as everywhere, and we are doing all we can to be supportive here.
I have never personally attacked whoever sent that "thing", but I continue to stand against that action and stand up for the innocent recipient. I also asked that the sender take the opportunity to apologize and make amends, which is what I would want if I did such a thing. The offer still stands.
I think that everyone would give them a chance if they did, especially the unbelievably gracious recipient.
Love,
Changing
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Whatever happened to "Hate the sin, but love the sinner?"
Seems you all ganged up on the unfortunate person who sent that PM, instead of asking what had made them so terribly hurt as to strike out? I have seen enough religious talk
here, to expect better of this group.
wondering
You raise an interesting point Wondering - Why didn't we "wonder" what had made the PM author so terribly hurt as to send such an excoriating PM? You expected better of this group.
By definition what you expected was grace. I find that grace is almost a superhuman act. I long for grace but I no longer expect it. I have learned from my experience with the frequently quoted prayer attributed to St. Francis - the way to receive grace is to give grace. I recall an incident in my life a few years ago when everything and everyone seemed against me, including the priest at my church. I was (and am), quite frankly, appalled by his behavior. I had made an error and he was going to make me pay for it. I sat there thinking how I longed to receive grace and how a man in his position, in particular, should have the wherewithal to act accordingly. Then suddenly I knew - in order to receive grace I would have to first give it. I have not yet gotten where I would like to in regards to this individual - but I haven't given up either.
On a practical level - what you are suggesting is that people should simply stop and open their hearts to the person who penned these words -
[You are one of the most hurtful people on this board.
Take your tough selfish alcoholic stance and go somewhere
else. The most vulnerable people in the world come here...
not tough broads with brain damage like you.
These words constitute what is known as an ad hominem attack - an attack on a person. This author is not disagreeing about a statement or a choice of words, this person is not stating that they were hurt and would like an apology and this person is not entering into a dialogue. When such an attack is spewed forth there is no room for a reply and no room for consideration. Really, with such an attack the best reaction is to simply step out of the line of attack. I think on some extraordinary level it would be very magnanimous to "wonder" what had hurt the author enough to spew such an attack but nothing in this message allows room for that. - Gaining Strength