Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: gratitude28 on September 18, 2007, 07:19:36 AM
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I cannot feel hatred for a person, or I am giving that person power over me. Hatred goes hand in hand with fear. I do not hate my mother. I do not hate people who do not wish me well. I do avoid them. Laura, as we see, does not feel hatred for Jodi, and that takes away Jodi's power, which is why she reacted here. Some people DO need to respect fear, such as Changing, as a manner of self-preservation.
I grew up with parents who say, "I hate this person and that person." The truth is - they fear those people. They don't feel they measure up. And that is a childish emotion projected on others.
Wow!!! I had some insight!!!!!
Love, Beth
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My mom user the word have a lot too. What she hates is not being in control.
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YES, Kelly. I think you got it just right. I gave up control a while back... it feels a lot better.
Love, Beth
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Mom- I hate it when people take matters into their own hands=initiative! No SHE HAS TO BE IN CHARGE. In any other job people would be rewarded. At our job they are punished!
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It really is childish... all that hatred. And I see the control, too.
That's what was practiced on me via religion, all the while growing up... but I always felt it was nothing but hate.
Still for me now, it's hard to overcome the fear when I feel such hate directed at me.
I feel it here on this board at times, from people who don't even know me or want to know me... they've already put me into a box.
Nowadays, I'm usually able to say, "whatever" about that.
As far as dealing with the expert hate-mongers...I used to equate avoidance with fear... and often those two were tied together for me, in the past... or maybe that was more like evade-ance... hmm.
Anyhow, now I see that it's possible to avoid the rubbish for all the right reasons and just clean stay out of it, by refusing to let the hatred rub off. That's progress.
I think you're doing so well, Beth and Kelly... both of your comments that I've been reading here make so much sense to me... I'm thankful that both of you ladies are among us.
Love,
Carolyn
P.S. anyone taking initiative in our home growing up was punished, as well. Helps to understand how it happened that I got taught not to try, not to experiment, not to dare changing up the pattern.
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Yes do not change the status quo. Oh I resent the brainwashing! Trouble was I always lived a double life but was sure to keep up appearances for my mom-would not want to get guilted into hell!
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Oh and thanks for the vote of confidence Carolyn!
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Gratitude-
I truly admire you and the gentle but firm way that you have handled people.
Love,
Changing
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I don't hate anyone either. It's a waste of energy.
I still have my visual of a fence with everyone on the other side, but they are standing on brown, dead grass. On my side of the fence I have lush green grass, a little path and it leads to a downwards hill, as the evergreen trees at the end appear to be growing from down below. There is no end to where this path with take me.
From the other side no one can cross over without my permission. Someone might ask to come, or I might ask someone to come and it's okay.
That image is the equivalent of my apartment and all the people in various places all over. Some are so toxic they will never be allowed over, but I am on my side in peace and quiet to work on me, and any visitor allowed is one who I know will be kind.
Lately strangers have been allowed: taxi drivers, doctors, nurses, etc. They have been kind and we laugh together.
no Ns allowed, ever!
Izzy
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((((((((((((((Izzy))))))))))))
I know what you mean about the strangers - I have met the kindest people lately. It gives you a renewed faith... I think I have been isolating lately - not sure why. Just getting out this morning and taking care of some things led to the nicest interactions.
Thanks for the mental fence image too. I might put cow patties on the other side with the brown grass.
Love, Beth
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Thanks Beth,
It was something I had to do to be able to work on me--since all those involved are so wide spread, I just stuclk them all behind the fence
LOL on the cow patties.
xx
Izzy
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Hatred goes hand in hand with fear.
Bingo, Beth. Beautifully put. The whole post was.
When we acquiesce and submit to them they do not hate us because they do not fear us. But we submit because we do fear them and therefore hate ourselves for submitting.
When we stop submitting they rekindle their hatred because they then perceive us as a threat and greatly fear us.
They are always afraid and therefore always full of hate.
They cannot even grasp the concept of not always being fearful, which I think explains most of their envy of others.
mud
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Hatred goes hand in hand with fear.
Bingo, Beth. Beautifully put. The whole post was.
When we acquiesce and submit to them they do not hate us because they do not fear us. But we submit because we do fear them and therefore hate ourselves for submitting.
When we stop submitting they rekindle their hatred because they then perceive us as a threat and greatly fear us.
They are always afraid and therefore always full of hate.
They cannot even grasp the concept of not always being fearful, which I think explains most of their envy of others.
mud
Yuck.
I know that's true, but... still... yuck.
The only way to convince them that we're not a threat is to submit?
That is unacceptable, so... we just have to hope that they'll go find somebody else to play with?
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Hatred goes hand in hand with fear.
Yuck.
I know that's true, but... still... yuck.
The only way to convince them that we're not a threat is to submit?
That is unacceptable, so... we just have to hope that they'll go find somebody else to play with?
I know the only way to convince my N's that I am not a threat is to submit. I have lived that circumstance. They email and phone every week trying everything they know to convince us to engage with them again. I refuse to live under this circumstance anymore. I used to be afraid of losing their love. Now I realize that their was no love to lose! I was afraid that if their love was lost, I was lost! I know, this IS CRAZY! I think they fear me too. I think it is why they seek to control me so much. Why am I such a threat to them? I am just breathing in and out and walking my walk. SO confusing!
I don't think I have ever felt full fledged hate for my N's though. Frustration, outrage, and anger! But not hate. I think I turned alll the hate inward on myself. But I am seeing that I don't have to have that hate anymore. I can let it go. I don't have to hate me and I don't have to hate them. Not quite sure how to interact with them when the expectation is that I roll over. I lose myself if I cave, and I get bombarded if I stand up. High prices to pay for interacting with them. I can't pay either price right now, so I am keeping my distance until I have some clarity on how to deal with the vacume and the storm. It feels so good to say "no" in this way. No more giving them the power!!!
pops
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Hate=fear. This is so timely for me. I'm not ready to work on all of it yet. But when I am, I will try replacing the word hate with the word fear and see what that tells me.
I do hate a lot of situations and people. I have to admit that it made me feel embarrassed to read that hate is really fear. But it must be true. I tried substituting the word "fear" or "afraid" for "hate" for a couple of my situations and it seemed like if I explore it that way I will learn some important things.
Not yet, but it is on my list. Funny how it triggered embarrassment in me. It is hard to make yourself work on something if it embarrasses you or shames you. Shame is a major obstacle.
PP
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((((((((((((((((((((((((Penny))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Thank you ((((((((((Beth))))))))))
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Hi PP,
((((((((((((I'm admiring you for sharing your feelings of embarrassment about Hate=fear))))))))))))).
Honesty counts and you have that. 8)
tt
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PP and TT,
I spent so long being embarrassed... and realizing it was due to fear. I always felt as if I were the outcast. I always felt like I was the one who didn't 'get it.' I think both, as TT said, being honest about that feeling, and actually realizing the feeling, will lead to a huge change. You are on a good road, Penny. And you are stronger than you know.
Love, Beth
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Hate masquerades as strength, I think? I mean, it feels powerful for a bit, I suppose... till you realize that it's eating away at your soul.
But they say that it's not the opposite of love at all... that would be ambivalence.
And the Bible teaches that to hate someone is equal to murder... and I think the one murdered is actually the one doing the hating?
Consumed from the inside out, with no love left to sustain life.
I think that's why an old confirmed N is so brittle and dry and empty. Hatred used them up.
Tired here.
Pops, you sound good! Y'all sound good, actually : )
I guess it's not a good idea to hate fear... gives it too much oomph. Better to be ambivalent about fear!
Love,
Carolyn
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I really have been trying to see if there are any hidden emotions I have that seem like hatred - and I don't think right now I feel any. I do intensely dislike this mom on the soccer team, and I have to admit she scares me. I feel I need to confront her at some point, and I am not very good at that. She is nasty and undermining. I think people who are undermining bother me more than any other kind... the sneakiness.
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Dear Beth,
That mother is your opportunity to really heal. Write about all the various steps in your interactions with her. She is pushing your button b/c your button needs healing. It is a chance to heal old wounds,is how I see it Love Ami
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I think you are right on, Ami. Fortunately, as I understand her more, she has so much less power over me. I can foresee a lot of what her rections and games will be, and cut them off. Also, she has little contact with me now. It is funny, out of guilt, for all these years, I amintained contact. And when I stopped, she basically backed away from me completely. I sense she is relieved not to have to deal with me more than she absolutely has to in order to keep up pretenses.
Love, Beth
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No Beth---- I meant the soccer mother --not your FOO mother ami
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Oh, the soccer thing. Ugh, yes. Let me think. I have to go to a lunch now. Yes, there is something really not right there and I don't know what it is.
Thank you.
Love, Beth