Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: hannah38 on September 22, 2007, 12:53:07 PM
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I'm having a rough couple of moments with hubbie.
I think some of the tension around the last couple of days relates to my family. Here is my story in a nutshell (its been a bit of time since I last posted): My mother has passed. Much of the therapy that I had related to my FOO and my developing my own voice, perspective, and reality. Last year, before we married, my hubbie was a bit N-ish (entitled, angry, defiant...). He promised to change and I've seen him change a lot (I am amazed at the changes, actually).
Here's the thing. Hubbie says that he loves my father but he becomes outraged with my father staring me down or passing out guilt-trips if I don't do what he wants. I am mostly the one that hears the outrage because he hasn't seen my father for months and I don't even know if my father is willing to see hubbie at this point. If I speak up, my father turns white and begins to shake. If I set boundaries, he becomes furious and I end up hating myself. Nonetheless, I have begun to. I ended therapy that he was paying for. He said to me that if I married this guy he "would have a big problem" with it. So I anticipated him ending my therapy ahead of time. I was ready to stop in any case. I have since received a very positive letter from my therapist stating that he hopes I now have the confidence to have my own voice. That was encouraging. So, there is truth in hubbie's perspective.
My father on the other hand feels that hubbie is "sick" and mean and "psychologically battering"--and criticized my willingness last year to tolerate that. I realized he was concerned but his wife got involved and it became a mess as she involved my brother and best friend in trying to secretly (without telling me that she had input) separating me from my then boyfriend. I was furious and I still haven't dealt with this.
Hubbie has problems, too, as do I (clearly) :shock:.
My hubbie seems very protective of me but it upsets me. Because I am used to NOT speaking up to my father and simply soothing my father's feathers, smoothing things over, being agreeable and apologetic, and basically doing whatever he thinks is best. I am trying to change this and set boundaries.
Anyway, back to the last few days. For the first time since hubbie and I married, I saw one of my siblings. This went very well, but there seems to be much tension in our house. Hubbie knows he was not acceptable to my father; my father was frightened of hubbie's temper (my father says he wasn't, his wife says he was). To make a too long story short, we haven't dealt with my family yet. I feel like I have to choose between family and hubbie. So I've chosen hubbie and I don't know how to deal with my father.
Sooo. My aunt called me asking if I was talking to my father yet. Why does she keep asking me that? It isn't like her to get in the middle but it bugs me. That call set hubbie off into a tirade about my father and how manipulative my father is. I ended up crying. He said that he assumed I was getting e mails from my family that I wasn't telling him about and I became (very uncharacteristically) furious. Because I had gone to great lengths to fill hubbie in on EVERYthing. So hubbie later claimed he had apologized for that (he hadn't that I remembered).
Then he was very negative about all things he hated (we were trying to enjoy dinner) and I said (again, uncharacteristically), "You don't like a lot of things." He said, "Enough with being a bitch."
I fell apart in private. I know--I am very sensitive. But I am sooo calm and patient that he says I am the easiest woman to be with. I didn't tell him until the next morning, but calling me a bitch really hurt. I thought: I became angry when accused of something I didn't do. And I, perhaps in not the most polite way, pointed out his negativity. But calling me a bitch really bothered me. :(
So I thought I was setting boundaries when I said, "The next time you call me a bitch, I will go and spend the night elsewhere." This greatly upset him and he said he would leave if I did that. I said, "What I am telling you is that calling me a bitch hurts and it is unacceptable to me." He was hugging me, telling me he loves me, and saying he was trying to stop swearing. But he said, "It's going to happen again. I just don't think." Inside I was really mad--I just kept thinking: how can you say it is going to happen again?
Am I too sensitive??? He said "I am not scolding you like your father." Arrrggghhh.
Today, he was upset that we didn't do prayer devotions together in the AM (he prayed early). When I got up, we went to breakfast. So I thot I was helping by going home and having devotions with him that I was resolving that. Then he cut off my prayers and said that he couldn't get anything done, that we weren't on the same schedule--then I realized he was upset we hadn't done it earlier and he wanted to get going. He said, "I can't do anything right. The last few days, all I do is hurt you." I said, "You do a lot right." I said that it was priority for me too. He said that he doesn't know how to plan a day for two people, just like when I was single I wasn't weighed down with him. I didn't say anything. But I am seriously wondering--how do we resolve this stuff? I feel like he IS angry with me and I feel like I get so confused with mixed messages. I just feel like I start out in a great mood and things go South.
If I have zero to do with my family, we get along extremely well. The minute the tension of my family arrives on the scene, it is awful.
I haven't been married before. We've been married a couple of months. I really feel like these are small things but that the atmosphere of tension is high. I felt today that things were going back to the way they were the first year. But he is so caring a lot of the time, I know we both have difficulties.
:(
I don't wish to give the impression that he's really mean. We have many lovely times together and many, many times he tells me how much he cherishes and loves me. And he cooks and does laundry. And and. So I am not wanting to give a really slanted view here. Its just that this is the BIGGIE I don't know how to deal with.
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Dear Hannah,
I'll have to think about this and pray before saying much, but first off...
(((((((Hannah)))))))
No, you are not being too sensitive.
Yes, it does sound like you are being asked to choose between dad and husband.
And no, it is not acceptable for your husband to lose control and call you names.
Sounds to me like husband wants to take over the role of daddy... and that is not good.
You and God can work together on firming up who Hannah is, and detach from what these men in your life are demanding of you.
It won't be easy, but it is possible... and very necessary.
Please take some deep breaths and see yourself as that little lamb in Jesus' arms, okay?
I know it's scary, but in the very best of circumstances, the beginnings of a new married life can be so difficult... and it's going to take alot of gentleness and forgiveness on both your parts to work through this.
I believe that God will give you the wisdom you need to do the best thing... all you have to do is ask Him, you know?
Keep writing and sharing and I bet it'll just leap right out at you... and I'll be praying.
With love,
Carolyn
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He sounds like a baby.
Have some kids. He'll either grow up or leave.
mud
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Hi Mud Puppy.
I wouldn't have children with the hope of changing our marriage. I tend to think that is a big reason NOT to bring children into a situation. :shock:
In any case, we are not able to have children.
I get your point tho.
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Hi C,
Thank you for your prayers and for this esp:
You and God can work together on firming up who Hannah is, and detach from what these men in your life are demanding of you.
It won't be easy, but it is possible... and very necessary.
:shock: :D Scary, a great idea, and a puzzle.
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He sounds like a baby.
Have some kids. He'll either grow up or leave.
mud
Sheesh, Mud.
Don't make me come over there! :shock:
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Hi hannah,
If it is like this after just 2 months of marriage--imagine how awful in will be 20 years down the line.
Your husband needs help! In my humble opinion.
xx
Izzy
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I feel like I have to choose between family and hubbie.
Dear Hannah:
I believe there is only one answer: choose yourself.
You are not a tennis ball between two men.
I can only advise from my own experience. With my ex, I magnified the good and clutching and emotional moments because I thought that meant intimacy. I rationalized and made excuses for and minimized the bad.
I spent seven years suffering rejection, criticism, and TENSION. It was not worth it.
Hon, please, choose yourself.
I believe a women's support group, meeting regularly, would help you enormously. As would an assertiveness training workshop. You deserve to acquire the tools you need in order to be independent, think independently, build your confidence, self-esteem, and sense of worth.
You do not deserve, ever, to be called the anti-woman equivalent of "nigger". EVER. That was an excellent boundary to set and I am so impressed with you that you made that statement. Please, follow through!!! If he "slips", off you go. (Or better yet, off HE goes.)
I'm going to cut to the chase, and say, please don't waste the rest of your precious young womanhood with this man. I'm sorry for my impatience. It's just a mood I'm in and I know this advice may be premature or too intense to take. I understand and send you much strength.
love,
Hops
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I wouldn't have children with the hope of changing our marriage. I tend to think that is a big reason NOT to bring children into a situation.
Heh. I was just being a wise arse.
However, you could take in some foster kids. You can always return them after they serve their purpose.
Seriously though, immaturity, that thing most of us men have at least until we're about forty, (or ninety, depending on your POV) can often look like what you're hubby is displaying. Maybe he is Nish or maybe he's just Eddie Haskell because life hasn't punched him in the nose enough yet. It's embarrassing when I look back on what a baby I was when we first got married. There's still hope for the dope.
mud
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Hannah,
I think that it is definitely premature to be labeling your husband with any letter of the alphabet and I also think it's entirely possible that Mud is correct (it happens :shock:) :D
Love,
Carolyn
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...and I also think it's entirely possible that Mud is correct (it happens )
Hey! I had to read it a couple of times but I finally got what that meant. :x
mud
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Dear Friend,
I can relate to the fights and deep anguish when a family gets involved in a marriage. We(or he) let my H's family get involved in ours right from the beginning.
My H says that that was a HUGE mistake. If my H could go back he would have cut off contact with his family right from the beginning.
If your family cannot support and respect your H, you might need to cut off contact with your family(IME).
I have retrospect in a situation where we DID not cut off contact and there were so many fights and so much pain.
If I could go back,I would not allow any family members to disrespect my H.
I can see how the pressures of the types of family you are describing could cause serious problems in your (or any ) marriage. I wish you wisdom in finding a good solution Love Ami
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Thank you Hops.
Those are such caring words. I really, deeply appreciate them.
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Yup. Good point, C. Throwing labels on stuff isn't really helpful. Except with F. That was somewhat established, so I feel I can say that with some certainty.
In any case, point well taken.
:)
Um. Mud. I didn't realize that you were a guy. Somehow this makes a bit more sense. Don't ask me why. Not that women can't have wry senses of humor. Many do.
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Hi Ami,
I have considered this. Its just that I value family so much I wish everyone would stop fighting. It seems ridiculous to me. I have considered continuing a relationship with my father but not with SM.
However, I am not certain my F will do this. I love my father tremendously. Hubbie keeps saying that I place him second. But SINCE we've been married, I have placed hubbie first in everything.
Hubbie says he wants nothing to do with SM. I really feel like I don't either most of the time.
SM already said she wants no relationship with hubbie (but this was before we got married).
I agree, you have to find a balance. Sometimes it makes sense to really distance. Its just very sad.
How would you draw a line in the sand and keep parents OUT of a marriage?
I'd be interested in your perspective, thanks.
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I have a long marriage and a list of many things NOT to do-. I can't tell you exactly what to do ,specifically However,I can feel the pot boiling in what you have written.I think that if you just let the pot boil, you may lose your marriage.
IME, your family has to treat your H with respect.If they don't, you are abusing HIM by allowing him to be treated badly. It is an insult to him to allow him to be treated poorly by anyone.
So, if he is being treated poorly and you are not standing up and putting and end to it, he has a right to be angry at you.
It all rests with you. You are the connection between all the people. if you chose "not" to act, THAT IS an action. If you chose to just throw up your hands and say,"I don't know WHAT to do."-- that Is an action. You are not protecting your H.
One thing that I never "knew" was that I can extricate myself from situations. I learned that WAAAAY too late.Last year, I did not go to a wedding.I did not realize that I could simply extricate myself. I had to get sick in order to see this truth.
You are in charge of the situation.
I would ask myself,"Do i really,really value my H?" IF the answer is yes,I would allow ZERO abuse in any fashion by any family member to him.
That is how I see it. Any more info that you want on mistakes in marriage---i am your gal Love Ami
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Thank you Ami.
IME, your family has to treat your H with respect.If they don't, you are abusing HIM by allowing him to be treated badly. It is an insult to him to allow him to be treated poorly by anyone.
So, if he is being treated poorly and you are not standing up and putting and end to it, he has a right to be angry at you.
It all rests with you. You are the connection between all the people. if you chose "not" to act, THAT IS an action. If you chose to just throw up your hands and say,"I don't know WHAT to do."-- that Is an action. You are not protecting your H.
I need to think about this.
Is the fact that we have not received a wedding card or ANY thing addressed to us both from F and SM an insult? I feel it is. Then again, I don't want to feel entitled.
The problem is that my H, before we married, threatened my F. My best friend told my family this. H never intended this to get back to F, but it did. So, SM wanted a restraining order against H. This is what a MESS this is.
I made a BIG mistake in ever confiding in my father when I was having difficulties.
So now it is up to me to set the tone. I need to think about this. You have an excellent point and I believe are correct. It is complicated, though, because of the past.
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Dear Hannah,
My partner and I came the same conclusion as Ami on this matter; when it comes to conflicts with others, we have learned that its best to 1. negotiate between ourselves, in private, and come to an agreement. and 2. stick together, based on whatever we agreed upon. Disloyalty can be so harmful and hurtful in a romantic relationship.
It does sound a bit like you married your Dad, in some ways, and thats why they are butting heads so much. I'm not sure why your hubby gets so wound up when your schedule isn't exactly the same as his, though? Do you think he's a control-freak, a narcissist, or otherwise an abuser? I feel this is something you should try to work out, as honestly as possible, because this could all be an attempt on your husband's part to isolate you (which is very bad).
X Bella
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I am interested , Bean Ami