Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: reallyME on September 25, 2007, 03:58:02 PM
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WHAT IS IT?
Well, are you or someone you know the type of person who always does things for others...you are the first, when the neighbor's car breaks down, to let them use your car, the first to back a cake for the lady in the church who is ill, the neighborhood babysitter.
You do these things, usually without complaint, and you do them out of balance to a point that it results in you neglecting your family, children, responsibilities, etc. You will lie to protect others, will not allow others to face the consequences of their own actoins, will do errands for others even if you are too ill to barely get out of bed, for fear of losing their affectoin.
You or your friend is what is known as a "RESCUER" and you have a deep need to "FIX" anything that is wrong, unjust, unfair. You have a need to control the behavior of others, but wooing them to your side, by being nice and helpful. You have a NEED TO BE NEEDED.
When you have "succeeded" in accomplishing the change in another person, your thrill about that is very short-lived because of what you had to do in order to do this. You become angry with yourself for not speaking up, not saying no, not refusing to do whatever errand, going along with what you don't agree with, believe in, want.
You reason with yourself somehow that you were doing the "noble" thing for the people you were trying to "serve" but deep inside, you know you are not being true to yourself anymore, and you begin to feel resentful and want to stop but you can't.
In short, do you:
Have trouble seeing people and situations objectively, realistically
Believe you are responsible for other people's thoughts and behaviors
Have a tendency to be controlled and/or control others
Feel unbalanced amounts of anger and hurt
Feel guilt over things you could not control
Feel you live a life of loneliness, never really able to experience intimate relationships.
Over 160 million people experience this in their lives!
It can result from childhood, circumstances later in life...but no matter what the reason for it is, you, me, others, experience the problem because of our need to over-please, over-rescue, and over-serve others...outside of the bounds of what God wants of us.
The more we try, the less joy and peace we feel, because we are not being true to God, self and others.
Come join me as we learn more about recognizing and dealing with Codependency.
Blessya
~reallyME
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Since most of us here have come from dysfunctional families, let's talk about what a functional one looks like.
First of all, in any family, the behavior of each member affects the other members.
In a functional family, everyone helps each other grow and mature. They are not perfect, but they do encourage communication and truthfullness. Parents and children form bonds of "self" and learned that it's ok to trust, talk, feel regarding things going on in their lives.
Functional families give the message:
It is ok to TALK
It is ok to TRUST
It is ok to FEEL
Healthy families teach living skills too. Functional parents are consistent, respectful of children as individuals, not extentions of themselves. They take the time to listen to their children, rather than being caught up in their own personal issues.
Functional Faimliies give the message:
I am special and worthy because of who I AM, not because of what I do.
GOD loves you unconditionally. In the Bible, there are examples of human beings who did NOT love in this way...they were known as "evil rulers" "pharisees" "hippocrites" Whether or not you are a follower of Jesus, it might be an interesting study, to look up these words and see what this is all about. Many of you are dealing with some people in your lives, who have much the same characteristics and behaviors.
Blessya'll till next Lession: Dysfunctional Families
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Dear Laura,
It is really" funny "what is happening to me. I have studied the Bible for 15 years. I have hundreds of Cd's,tape and books. HOWEVER, I really did NOT have it in my heart.
I needed to empty out my heart of all the bad things before I could even understand the Bible. The inner child book and the board have really helped me to do this.
The same thing happened with codependency. I went to Al Anon for 10 years and STILL did not know ,in the heart, what they were talking about.
So, for me, I am understanding,with the heart,, some of the wisdom you have written . I am getting it about not trusting myself. I am understanding more what you have written b/c I have cleaned out some of the 'garbage"
I will write more later . I want to think about what you have written. It is very important and very profound Love Ami
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Ami, I'm so thrilled for you, that you have been finding strength through the Bible and the books you read. I'm an avid reader as well, and I'm so glad that was instilled in me years ago...to always be learning and growing.[/quote
DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES
In a dysfunctional family, some of these issues may be present:
a physical abuser or absentee parent. This parent spends their love on some other object, rather than giving it to the family (in my case, this used to be my computer)
a person who is physically or mentally ill. This person tends to need more time and energy from family members, so the others are neglected.
Unhealthy rules, such as "Children should be seen and not heard" or "don't air our dirty laundry in public"
Robotic family members, as a result of one of the family having all control over the unit.
The truth is, some family members can sense that something is wrong or out of balance, but because of the "don't talk, don't trust, don't feel" rules, they choose to live in DENIAL instead.
DENIAL means that a person is not willing or able to be truthful about feelings. The Bible tells us to "speak the truth to one another in love." In a dysfunctional family, this does not occur. Eventually, the abuser becomes blinded even to his/her own faults in their lives.
There is a comic picture in a book on this topic...a guy is on the phone, talknig to the operator and he says "Do you have the number of a support group for forgetful people? My car ran out of gas and I need someone to blame"
We can all do FAMILY OF ORIGIN work in order to comprehend what is happening to us, so that we can take ownership of them. We will learn to trust and feel, rather than stuffing our feelings inside and piling other things on the top of them. We will not go back to our past to blame, but to unhook from our unhealthy cycles.
We will know that strong emotions often come from this. Sometimes we feel like we will never stop crying. As a group, we need to pull together and walk through this journey as a healthy system.
VERY IMPORTANT:
Some of us have not told anyone what happened to us or what is happening, because we feel that we'd be BETRAYING or DISLOYAL to the family system. IF this is you, you are choosing to stay stuck in your situation...your loyalty is misguided and you need to find a safe person to TELL.
Next: The Roles of Dysfunction
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Wow...I can see I REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY need to follow this series. Between the codependency issue...and the dysfunctional family...I"m recognizing that i grew up with a very codependent mother who I unfortunately learned from very well, on how to be codependent that is. I thought that once I moved out on my own all those years ago, I would break the chain. But yet...I fell into the trap...and let those codependent behaviors take over all over again. I have that insatiable need to be needed. I"ll be sure to keep up with the series, cuz i know I need to move on from the past and learn how to break this chain of guilt and shame I"ve carried about my neck most of my life.
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Dysfunctional Roles in the Family
Well, I covered these in a different thread, but just to review:
Hero- "i'm responsible for everything in this family. I'm the one who takes care of the other children and even sometimes of my parents. I do very well in sports and school and all eyes stay rivited on ME, so nobody has to face and deal with the family's issues. I have scheduled every day of my life, telling me what to do, when, and even alloting myself time to relax.
Scapegoat: "i'm responsible for everything that goes on that is problematic in my family. It's my fault that my dad drinks and my fault that my sister left home and got messed up with drugs. My parents are hooked on drugs and alcohol, so I have to just take care of myself...that's why I'm a FIGHTER...I can defend myself. Who needs THEM anyway? I just got a DUI the other day, and maybe NOW they will notice me!
Lost Child: Problems? I don't see any problems...just like nobody sees ME. I guess it's cause I don't really get in any trouble. I just stay out of the way and keep my nose clean. I can adapt to pretty much anything in life and nobody really thinks I'm paying attention to anything going on around me. I like being by myself. I'm shy anyway. Maybe when I'm older I won't be, but for now, I'm just staying out of trouble unlike my brother.
The Mascot: I'm the funny one, always telling jokes and making my family smile. Sure, things are rough at times, but we make it through...nothing a little bit of humor can't solve. I can "turn that frown upsidedown"..it's my SPECIALTY! Everyone sees me as the "life of the party" and I'm just doing what comes naturally. Heck, I hardly ever have a day when I'm sad or upset. At least, I never noticed it.
The Enabler: I really want the abuse to end, but it seems it's easier to just give him what he wants. I know that his behavior is getting way out of hand, but he works SO HARD every day...he just needs me to show more appreciation for all he does, right? Yeah, he stole that car, but if I tell on him, that's so many years in jail, and well, he just got off on bail last week!
Common thoughts of each:
Enabler: I can't let her get into trouble for stealing. It would devestate her.
Hero: I'm going to make it BIG so the family won't fight anymore.
Scapegoat: I'm sick of all this arguing and I know that if only I could be better at doing my chores, Dad wouldn't hit me so hard.
Lost Child: I'm just staying away from everyone. I can't trust anyone anyway. If I stay clear of it all, I won't get hurt.
Mascot: Awww come on, laugh a little. Nothing is that bad.
The important thing to realize, is that, these roles are FIRM, FIXED in each dysfunctional family...they also carry over into adult relationships if they go unchallenged or undealt with, as many of us have learned.
Next Lesson: Codependency
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thanks for posting further on this Laura....I'm really starting to understand more of how messed up my F.O.O truly was and continues to be. No wonder kids grow up with some of the problems we do when we grow up in families with problems. Unfortunately most of the time we don't realize it until we become adults and really have issues then.
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Laura,
Thanks for all you're giving.
Hops
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Shunned: You mentioned that it was odd that the article says the roles are "fixed" I think what they mean, is that most children predominantly stay in a main role. The roles can change hands for sure, as you mentioned, but usally, each family member tends to stay in one or the other. I know there are exceptions to every rule though. You are right.
CODEPENDENCY...what IS it?
First, it's USUALLY caused by growing up in dysfunction, but can also be caused by traumatic experiences and changes in life. A loss of a job can even result in this.
CODEPENDENCY is an AFFLICTION. People who are codeps, have an off-kilter sense of responsibility to rescue, fix and help people (usually people who do NOT want their help).
A CODEP has been deprived of love, either purposely or by neglect, so they resort to rescuing behaviors in order to feel "need" and "wanted."
A basic definition is "a compulsion to control and rescue others by repairing their problems. This occurs when a codep's need for love and security are not taken care of."
A child who grows up in a family with a parent who is an addict, learns that he/she must take care of his/her own needs for love A child who grows up with an abusive parent or parents, likewise, has a distorted understanding about love. These children often grow up to be adult-children who try to control others.
There are 3 central issues regarding CODEPENDENCY:
LACK OF OBJECTIVITY- cannot see things through a REALITY LENS, causing us to keep repeating damaging behaviors.
DISTORTED SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY- lack of healthy boundaries to let us know what we need to do and others need to do. We feel guilt for and try to do everything or we do absolutely nothing as far as meeting our responsibilities.
BEING CONTROLLED AND CONTROLLING OTHER PEOPLE- We don't know where we stop and others begin, so we are either being intruders or letting others intrude in our lives. This involves manipulation and control.
CONTROL EXPERTS
As a codependent, one becomes an expert at controlling others, but, since controlling does not build healthy, love-filled relationships, we end up being rejected and lonely, till the cycle begins again.
The codep's main desire is to be loved and accepted and...a need to rescue, fix others and get their approval at any cost...a need to control their emotions, attitudes, behaviors....until the codep faces the truth and begins to recovery. This causes anger, hurt, guilt and loneliness.
HERE ARE SOME CHARACTERISTICS OF CODEPENDENCY:
FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER'S BEHAVIOR: I don't want to look bad, so sit there and shut up!
NEED TO BE NEEDED: You KNOW you can't do this without me.
EXPECT OTHERS TO MAKE US HAPPY: Can't you TELL I'm miserable? Where are my flowers? my dinner? What's WRONG with you?
CAN BE DEMANDING: BUY ME THAT NECKLACE, NOW!!!!
CAN BE INDECISIVE: I don't know what I want. I can't decide.
CAN BE ATTENTIVE: I am verrrrrrrrrrrrrry interested in what you are feeling and saying.
CAN BE SELFISH: I'm going to talk about what is important in MY life. I don't care about yours.
SEES THINGS/PEOPLE AS WONDERFUL OR TERRIBLE: You are the BEST thing that every happened to me. I never met anyone so mean and horrid!
SEEK AFFIRMATION AND ATTENTION: Did you see what I dd? It was awesome wasn't it? Hey, look at this. I painted it...I used the best paint I could find. I think it far outshines the others. Don't you? Huh?
SULKS AND HIDES: Why should I bother? Nobody cares. Nobody notices me. I'll just keep to myself from now on.
SEEING OTHERS' FAULT BUT NOT ABLE TO SEE OUR OWN: I don't have any problems and the ones I do have, are not that big of a deal, but YOU really need to find a way to deal with your issues! I know that you are going to fall if you keep on doing that!
SEEING OTHERS FOR OR AGAINST US: I have tons of friends that adore me. I just KNOW they are talking about me right now. Everyone is OUT TO GET me!
USES SELF-PITY AND ANGER TO MANIPULATE OTHERS: Nobody likes me. Nobody honors me. I think I should just die or disappear. I'm not a controller!
FEEL WE MUST RESCUE PEOPLE FROM THEMSELVES: It's ok, I'm here for you. I'll post bail for you as soon as I can get to the bank.
NEEDING/HATING OTHERS: I am NOTHING without you yet, I can't stand having you here around me
UNCLEAR VERBALS (not saying what we mean or meaning what we say):
I know I SAID that, but that's not what I meant!
REPENTING DEEPLY BUT REPEATING THE SAME BEHAVIORS:I repent to you...I'm so sorry...please forgive me.........SO? Everyone makes mistakes. Can ya blame me? Look at what YOU did! That is why I did this!
Next: Recovering from Codpendency: the Process
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Laura,
I'm following along here... reading it all. Just wanted to let you know that and say thanks.
So... Thanks! :) Good stuff!
With love,
Carolyn
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DISCOVERY DOES NOT EQUAL RECOVERY
We can read and learn all about Codependency, but it takes a strong bond with God and emotionally healthy, supportive people, in order to walk through this process.
We need God and like-minded peple to help us work through our issues. If we did not get support from our FOO's we can find support through our new families.
We all need to be encouraged, corrected gently, taught, loved, prayed for, as we walk through our struggles into maturity.
The apostle Paul, in the Bible talked about this:
Ephesians 4 v 13-15
until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a mature man, to the measure of the stature which belongs to the fullness of Christ. As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves, and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming; but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him, who is the head, even Christ.
People from dysfunctional families do not have a healthy understanding about relationships. In their young lives, they saw lies, abuse, neglect and manipulation.
TO RECOVER:
knowledge- understanding oneself, is very important. You can then deal with the hurts, needs and desires within, with God's help and the help of others.
relationships- Where there is love and support, a person will grow.
spirituality- Understanding the truth of the Bible will lead you on a path of forgiveness and strength, helping you to understand life's purpose. You will learn how to reach out to others without losing your self.
time- this is a process. You will need to take one step at a time, waiting for the next little breakthrough, and then, go forward just a little bit more...till you reach your goal.
Recovery takes work and effort. Some people will do this work and will find healing. Other people will not complete the work because it's too hard, painful, slow, etc. Just remember that it all happens with one step at a time.
Next: The Beginning
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Laura,
I was struck by how much the check list for co-dependents dovetails with a check list for narcissists. What do you suppose that's about? Is a co-dependent what we are and a narcissist what other people are? :shock:
Jeez. All the lines are going blurry on me.
CB
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An ordinary codependent personality is not a pathological liar, devoid of empathy, who views other human beings with scorn and contempt.
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I like Carolyn's explaination and I don't think I could really offer anything different that that. I do kow that codependents are also known as "inverted narcissists." This term has brought the gavel down on my noggin in the past for using that term, since people here HATE to be labeled with anything remotely resembling NARCISSISM.
The truth is, many of us who were raised in dysfunctional homes, do have some narcissistic traits at times...myself included. I have to really work on examining myself. I am learning how to be active rather than re-active in my life.
Thank you so much for the inquiry, CB
~Laura
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Frm all that I read here it seems natural that a co-dependent would team up with a Narcissist and get on like water and oil!
All these behaviors seem to me to be non-empathetic, utitlizes a lot of lying and self-denial and doesn't seem to view the other person well at all. I guess I'm saying that a co-dependent person would make their "object' feel just as crappy as a narcissist would. No big or little sin, just dysfunctional and hurtful all the way around.
CAN BE SELFISH: I'm going to talk about what is important in MY life. I don't care about yours.
SEES THINGS/PEOPLE AS WONDERFUL OR TERRIBLE: You are the BEST thing that every happened to me. I never met anyone so mean and horrid!
SEEK AFFIRMATION AND ATTENTION: Did you see what I dd? It was awesome wasn't it? Hey, look at this. I painted it...I used the best paint I could find. I think it far outshines the others. Don't you? Huh?
SULKS AND HIDES: Why should I bother? Nobody cares. Nobody notices me. I'll just keep to myself from now on.
LACK OF OBJECTIVITY- cannot see things through a REALITY LENS, causing us to keep repeating damaging behaviors.
SEEING OTHERS' FAULT BUT NOT ABLE TO SEE OUR OWN: I don't have any problems and the ones I do have, are not that big of a deal, but YOU really need to find a way to deal with your issues! I know that you are going to fall if you keep on doing that!
SEEING OTHERS FOR OR AGAINST US: I have tons of friends that adore me. I just KNOW they are talking about me right now. Everyone is OUT TO GET me!
USES SELF-PITY AND ANGER TO MANIPULATE OTHERS: Nobody likes me. Nobody honors me. I think I should just die or disappear. I'm not a controller!
FEEL WE MUST RESCUE PEOPLE FROM THEMSELVES: It's ok, I'm here for you. I'll post bail for you as soon as I can get to the bank.
NEEDING/HATING OTHERS: I am NOTHING without you yet, I can't stand having you here around me
UNCLEAR VERBALS (not saying what we mean or meaning what we say):
I know I SAID that, but that's not what I meant!
REPENTING DEEPLY BUT REPEATING THE SAME BEHAVIORS:I repent to you...I'm so sorry...please forgive me.........SO? Everyone makes mistakes. Can ya blame me? Look at what YOU did! That is why I did this!
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QB:
Frm all that I read here it seems natural that a co-dependent would team up with a Narcissist and get on like water and oil!
All these behaviors seem to me to be non-empathetic, utitlizes a lot of lying and self-denial and doesn't seem to view the other person well at all. I guess I'm saying that a co-dependent person would make their "object' feel just as crappy as a narcissist would. No big or little sin, just dysfunctional and hurtful all the way around.
Ok, first of all, the info I am putting here is largely from a book I have. Secondly, yes, a codependent would not really get along well with a narcissist...water and oil...accurate.
Neither person in this type of relationship is actually healthy. That is the point of my sharing all this. it is all very dysfunctional, but there is a way to learn better, healthier behaviors and ways of relating, providing a person is willing to make the effort to do the self-examination and application.
Thank you for your comments, QB
~Laura
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Dear Laura,
In my Inner Child book,it says that we become a codependent when we throw away our core-(-inner child or deep feeling level-). Then. b/c we are empty inside we need something or someone(usually both) to fill it.
I can see that I did this. I feel like a hamster on the freakin' wheel-- going round and round for approval, validation, love, acceptance when all the time,I could be giving it to myself. That is the key. How to go from A to B.
What is the mechanism to get us from A to B? I think that it is in trusting our deep inner child level.
That is my journey for now. I know where I want to be, However, sometimes the directions on how to get there are fuzzy---BLEH Love Ami
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Hi, Laura... How are you doin?
I'm ready for "the beginning" when you are :)
Carolyn
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Here ya go Carolyn and others (actually I had typed this all up once but it never posted so I had to redo the entire thing. hehe)
Those of us who have done the 12 step programs, we remember the STEP 1: Admit we are powerless over other people, our needs to be needed, our compulsions to rescue others have made our lives unmanageable.
Codeps have those certain areas of their lives, that they exhibit an extra measure of control over, so that when someone points to the areas we fall short in, we say "yes but LOOK HERE AT THIS AREA. I know I enable my abusive spouse, but look how my children mind me and see the badge I earned today as a top Girl Scout leader?" They have a really hard time about not letting anyone get real close emotionally to them, and they can't usually bear to see their own realities.
Codeps lose their identities by trying to be people-pleasers. In our families of dysfunction, we learned that we had to please others to gain approval and acceptance. We often lean to one extre or another, giving up who we are, by adopting the thoughts, feelings or actions of the other person, or we dig our heels in, insisting on our own beliefs, even when they are faulty.
Often, codeps feel so concerned about protecting their own identities, that they will argue over even small things.
Please complete the following assessment of Codep traits and we will discuss your answers next time. Thank you so much:
1.) I often feel isolated and scared of authority figures
2.) I am an approval-seeker and lose my identity in doing this.
3.) I'm over-scared of angry people and personal criticism.
4.) I feel like a victim in relationships.
5.) I sometimes have a strong sense of needing to be responsible for others, and therefore, I neglect my own needs.
6.) I can't bear to look at my own flaws.
7.) I feel guilty for standing up for myself and I give in to others instead.
8.) I'm addicted to excitement and chaos.
9.) I mix love up with pity and I hook up with people I can pity and rescue.
10.) I have trouble feeling my emotions and expressing them.
11.) I am hard on myself.
12.) I have low self-esteem.
13.) I feel during my relationships.
14.) I tend to re-act rather than taking action.
please write the number of yes and no responses:
no --------- yes ---------- (mine were 7/7)
NEXT: your answers, discussed and DEFENSE MECHANISMS
~Thank you again for joining this series and participating with us.
~Laura
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Thank you, Laura!
I am enjoying reading this as you post it... the organization of it, in successive parts. Getting alot more out of it this way instead of my usual method of voraciously trying to absorb huge amounts of reading material at one sitting.
7 out of 7 for me, too... as I was... and this one especially intrigues me:
"Often, codeps feel so concerned about protecting their own identities, that they will argue over even small things."
I can still sense the urge to carry on this behavior, on occasion, with my parents and husband. I guess they're the ones with whom I fear that old enmeshment pattern repeating itself. Even though I know that's not going to happen anymore, it's still an internal habit... but maybe kinda useful, since it allows me to identify my own likes and dislikes, even if I keep those thoughts to myself.
When we visited my parents in June and I had a strange dialogue with my mother about liking not liking something ("I do"... "well, I don't!" ... "well, I do!"... etc.) it really struck me how childish that was (on both of our parts!!) and how it just kinda happened without any conscious thought, like an old ritual, re-enacted. I found it very disconcerting, after being away from her for so long, that I'd still revert to these old thought patterns, and I want those patterns banished.. lol.
Learning alot here! Thanks again.
Carolyn
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Dear Laura,
I wrote my experience last night on the -- "Equations and Affirmations" thread.
I had a HUGE " A-HA experience with "powerlessness" ,which is the first step in the 12 steps, as you said.
I saw it with my heart last night. I "saw" that I could not please my H. I saw that he was never pleased even though my whole life( except now b/c I gave up) was about pleasing him and my M. The THINGS that I did to please my H and he was NEVER pleased. The things that I did to please my M and she was never pleased.
I used to "shop" as 'therapy" before I found the board. I was on e bay all the time. It was keeping my "sanity" to focus on buying things instead of my emotions which seemed totally hopeless to change and heal.
Now, I am not buying things,but trying to address my emotions. So, last night, when he expressed such hatred of me,it was actually a huge blessing to me. ALL my controlling for my M and him.--- .ALL of it for --NOTHING.
Well, I can be free,now.
With MY M, I see that it was always my( and the rest of the families) JOB to make her happy. My low self esteem and HATING myself was simply from the fact that I totally FAILED at this. I did everything known to man to make her happy.It was my life quest. My clothes, hair,makeup, education, marriage, personality, children ,house, likes ,dislikes --ALL- was to finally-Dear God- make her happy. Well,it all failed. I was sick and almost died. That was what happened.
Then,I did the same thing with my H. What ,in God's name. DID he want? Just tell me and I would twist to do it. I traveled to places half way across the world and left little babies for him b/.c he wanted to travel. I spent my life's energy and life's blood to FINALLY get him to be good to me. What do I get at the end of the line? HATRED.
What a moral of a story--HUH?
I am seeing that codependency is a huge "lie". It does not work. It simply will not get us where we need to go-- peace and joy -inside. Great,great topic, Laura. Thank you Ami
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Hi Ami and Carolyn
Carolyn, I have purposely tried to condense and keep these posts concise. I do better with taking in small sections at a time with paragraph breaks in between too. I just can't handle reading some of the looooooooooong posts on here that I'd read if there were breaks in between them.
Ami, Thanks for your support too and for sharing your experiences. I'm so glad you came to the board and glad you are finding ways to handle the things you struggle with.
The more responses you checked YES, the more issues of codependency that you have, including me.
As far as trying to please someone else...it just can't be done and it shows the other person's deep insecurity for expecting you to try. It's a lose-lose situation all the way around, and you come out feeling useless, helpless, and like you were no help to the other person. You also find yourself compromising what you believe, just to avoid "fallout" from doing things a different way than they want. They have a right to their beliefs and actions, as long as it's not harming another person, but so do you. It has taken me a long time to learn this, overcome the fear of speaking up and not complying, and basically just being reallyME.
It is always best, with God's help, to keep ourselves "in check" and not try to change or "please" another human being. Some people have decided anyway, that no matter what you do, it's not enough, good enough or it just plain doesn't please them. I had a step-dad that I experienced this with BIG TIME. He was OCD and, no matter how much I cleaned the house, did my chores, they were not done perfect or quick enough, and there was NO PERFECT for an OCD person. I just didn't realize it till I was an adult and heard his diagnosis. I always internalized the blame, thinking "if only I was faster, smarter, more perfect, more observant...if only I could be just like HIM and get every speck of lint off the windowsill that the sun had left there since the last 5 minutes that he checked...then maybe he'd approve and let me go play with my friends." It was a MISERABLE, HELPLESS way to live.
There is sometimes something to be said about looking out for #1, as long as it's not done in a way that leaves others neglected, abused or enabled.
~Stay Tuned :)
Laura
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DROP YOUR GUARD: Defense Mechanisms
Following are some common defense mechanisms that Codependents use in relationships:
~The Perfectionist
They are DRIVEN to earn their worth through perfect performing. Since there is nothing that is 100% perfect on this earth, they will always feel that they come up short and are inadequate.
This person's parent believed he/she was showing love to their child, but showing them where they always fell short, pointing out flaws. They give the child a message that, no matter what they attempt, they could always have done better at it. Unfortunatel, these adult-children, although they DO master some perfection in life, usually fail miserably at the things that really matter...relationships.
~The Martyr
These people get praise and acceptance by showing how much pain and illness they can endure and usually telling people about it. The greater the pain is, the more accolades they merit. The more pity they receive from others, the more attention the get. They develop almost a "need to hurt" in order to feel any sense of self-worth.
~The People Pleaser
These people are expert "eggshell walkers." They have learned how to avoid making others angry, but never saying the word "no," putting everyone's needs and wants and views above their own, and taking on way more than what is their responsibility to handle. The people pleaser usually gets angry because he can't keep up with everything on his shoulders, but then turns the anger inward onto innocent others. These people 'endure" life, rather than living it.
~The Caretaker
These people take care of other people's responsibilities. They tend to almost create "emotional cripples" out of others and then alternatively resent them for being needy of them.
~The Stuffer
These people have learned that some emotions were forbidden in their homes, because of stupid sayings of "big boys don't cry." Stuffers learn to turn their feelings off in part or totally. The parents of these children, tend to banish the child to a specific spot in the house to cry, thinking they are instructing them to be strong, when what is really happening, is that they are showing their child that some emotions should be hidden or shut off. Usually, if you ask these stuffers what they feel about something, they will respond that they don't know what you mean.
~Martha Complex
Work = approval to these folk. They have learned to always stay busy with something, even if it's something that doesnt' really need to be done. These people find their worth in activity and feel guilt if they aren't busy doing something.
~The Fixer
Fixers find approval and feel in control by trying to fix other people's emotions. They will not have to face their own issues and pains if they are busy helping someone else fix theirs. They tend to attract dependent, sick relationsips and mistake 'need" as being "love." They feel drawn to a person, because that person needs them
Wow! that was some info, huh?
let's talk about how we felt when reading those defenses:
powerless? relieved? dazed? hopeful? full of anger? doubtful? other?
Next: Losing "Self"
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Mine were 4 and 10. OUCH!
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mine 3 and 11 - oh boy.
And the fixer fits my defense.
Axa