Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: isittoolate on September 27, 2007, 07:18:52 PM
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I never expected to begin a new thread. I was reading on the Internet and began to think--but maybe I ought stop thinking! Please read,
Who said we use only 5% of our brain.? Does the other 95% hold all our memories and information to pull up at will? Or data that makes us remember automatic movements/reactions. Or data that if we had a shovel and could get in there we would want to just throw it out--but--it might be affecting the new data that is being filtered in--does this new data, on a same topic, overwrite the old data, like a computer file?
That’s how I feel. That there is only a small amount of information in my 5% and there is so much more that is untapped.
I think of misplacing something and I cannot find it. If I sit quietly and retrace my steps (read--go back into the (recent) past that is stored in the 95% because IT knows) and then I remember where I placed the item.
My intellectual side and my emotional side may have developed at different times in my life, and are likely in the 95% room. I wonder if I can ‘will’ them to join together, and I wonder if I am talking total nonsense here.
Because I feel I cannot pull up so much emotion from my past, it cannot join with this intellectual side.
I sense I don’t want to take all my time pulling up 68 years! (Therefore stop paying $106.00 an hour.) I will just be the intelligent, trustworthy, hard working person that everyone knows, but they don’t know my life story, for the rest of my non-Alzheimer’s life.
When I pull up memories they are all sad. For the life of me, I cannot remember happy memories.(I might see the beginning, like where someone was standing, but then the rest is gone,) Maybe they aren’t any, or I dumped them because the result turned out wrong. so ‘happy’ was not right a right way to live.
I am always for the underdog. What is the meaning behind that?
I read a post (sun blue’s) she says “I just want to explode and cry and throw and tantrum and scream, "How could you do this to your own? Why don't you care?" (re her parents.)
I have yet to respond to her and know her age, but this is something I never knew when I needed to know. Why did I not know that I could explode, cry, throw tantrums and beg for attention from my parents?
I have been cheated from when I didn’t even know.
Izzy
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Hi Izzy,
Did any of your siblings do any of this with your parents?
cats paw
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Hi C-P-
no! None of us did. I don't think they knew either!
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Ahhhh, Izzy....
It burns my stomach thinking about you....
so small.... and not being safe enough to be a happy kid: /
The stuff about ising a small part of our gray matter.... we can put a man on the moon but.... we still don't know much about the human brain: /
What's up with that?
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Dear Izzy,
As I contact my inner child,I am amazed at the depth of wisdom there. To answer your question about why you(or I) did not rage, throw tantrums etc-------B/c it was NOT safe. We knew ,inside us, that we could get really hurt if we were "normal" kids with normal kid responses like brattiness etc. We had to shove all those natural kid responses down deep so they would not come up and result in our getting hurt.
We lived in danger. The little kid part was "pushed away". What happens ,though, is that when we get out of danger, we have decided that the little kid part is 'bad" so WE push it away still.
So, we are out of touch with all our deep feelings and perceptions. WE are now the "bad parent " to our little kid. Our inner child is stuck in there b/c we have not welcomed it to come forward.
I am slowly getting mine to talk to me and it is really amazing what she says. She is so 'smart". Everyone's inner child is smart, funny and wonderful.
Unburying them is the hard part Love Ami
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Izzy,
I don't think you're talking total nonsense. Happy was not a right way to live , you said.
Who was the most under, underdog and was not happy, in your recollection?
cp
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Ah lighter
Who knows what I'm talking about? Well like triggers that 'pull up' a thought you had forgotten for 20 years. Where was it? in the 5% or the 95%.
Ah Ami
I don't knnow your age, but you must be in the middle, with sons at 20. I am happy for you that you found your inner child. I have been trying for 5 years and there is one AWFUL block to it and other things that I don't have to time to explore with a therapist. I don't want to live my last years going there, but I am still interested in how things work.
" Unburying them is the hard part "
ah catspaw
As far as I remember I was the underdog, therefore that statement I expect---so at hocky games etc. always the underdog.
I am still not depressed. I feel like I am in school and have a whole bunch of teachers on this board!!!!
Love
Izzy
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Izzy,
I loved school, and teachers made a big difference in my life. There is a lot of teaching here, for sure.
Going to sign off momentarily and go watch the TV Izzy on Grey's Anatomy !
cp
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Hi Izzy,
You asked:
Why did I not know that I could explode, cry, throw tantrums and beg for attention from my parents?
Is it because you knew that you couldn't?
One of my earliest memories was being really upset about something, and my father screaming at me: “Shut up or I will really give you something to cry about.”
I shut up instantaneously because I knew the threat was good, and rarely cry to this day. Perhaps something like this went on for you, but it is locked away or it occurred too early for you to remember?
You also asked why you can’t remember the good memories. I asked my T this once. I don’t know if his answer is the correct one, but it did make sense to me, he said that with good memories, the mind gets closure in the situation. With bad memories, the mind keeps cycling to try to obtain understanding or resolution. When the traumatic even occurs in childhood, the child's mind doesn't have the wherewithal to reach understanding. And so, to survive as a child, in some cases, the conscious memories shut down, but the memory is still alive in the unconscious and the mind is still cycling trying to get closure (maybe he was talking about that 95%?).
I don't know, except that I have struggled with the same questions.
Much love to you,
Peace
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Thank you FP
What a good response for me!
I forgot that I thought once about happy memories being resolved and that is why I have only the negative ones.
(and I know that likely there are other things I've thought or learned that I forgot and wonder 'where they are")
As far and yelling at Dad and Mom to give me some attention, I still swear I never knew I was entitled to attention,---to hugging and loviing and playing together etc.--and that I could "demand" it. The beatings went into our teens and I still didn't know those words or my entitlement.
I saw my sister being beaten and we stood and watched and never said a thing. This happened a lot and none of us ever stepped in and tried to stop him, or yelled, or demanded. I feel sick about those times, especially when we were teens and never said a thing. I don't think any of us knew!
The age factor is one that I think we were all hit/beaten early on and maybe all of us hid it. My eldest sister. up to 1994. used to have feelings of floating on the ceiling, looking down at our old parlour, hearing a baby crying and Mom saying, "That's enough." The story behind that came out -----she was only 9 months old, and it was the day of Dad's brother's funeral. When she learned the truth, she stopped the floating. she was dressed and ready for the funeral, fell over on the chesterfield and began to cry so Dad was beating her.
Something else came to mind. My age, the one roomed school house for 8 grades, the smaller high school with 2 rooms, one for Gr.9 &10, the ither Gr11&12 and then change high schools for grade 13.
Education was so different when my daughter was in school. I was 17 and didn't know what the word remuneration meant.
....and I had no imagination for writing essays about my feelings, or stories. I can only write about what I know or think.
Love
Izzy
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Dear Izzy,
Hugs to you; you sound a little down today. I hope we can make you feel a bit better.
In response to the `using 5% of your brain', well I only use 1% of my brain, and for the rest I just use google (and sometimes my partner as backup). And oddly I'm regarded as smart, lol.
I detach from the past a lot too, especially the feelings. I think history is great for learning, but I like to focus on what I can create today, and tomorrow. That is more constructive to me, I guess. The past is gone, Izzy, and you have learned so much from it, so in that way i would regard your past as a success.
Anyway, i hope you feel better soon.
X Bella
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I have been cheated from when I didn’t even know.
Oh, Izz. I felt such a pang of sadness when I read those lines.
But Peace brought hope :) ...it makes sense!!!!!
I am wondering if once this dad-gum pressure sore and healing leg business is taken care of (and sooner!) if you could just go on a deliberate campaign to create happy present experiences? Things you haven't done before? I keep thinking of art. You can sometimes access emotion through other routes than thinking and talking about them. For example, spread newspapers all over your DR table, get yourself a generous quantity of fingerpaints, and go to town. Do it every week. Look at the picture you make.
See what their shapes and colors say to you.
There are sooooooooo many things like this you can do and sometimes they will unexpectedly unlock a box.
(And even if they don't, it's good for you regardless, and you'd be creating new memories of happiness, absorption in the present pleasure. Noticing the amazement of color, the way the paint feels under your fingers, the textures of the papers you use.)
I went through a mad period with papier mache once, make wild-looking busts for my friends. Then painted them. Another time, another city, I went crazy with pastels and did 14 self portraits in a row and covered the walls with them.
No training needed. No talent certificate.
Izzy there has to be a tiny bubble of fizzy somewhere inside that's ready to rise.
I say ALL HAIL YOU.
love, lots of it to you and a big hug and a harmonica,
Hops
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hi Bella
No I am not down, I am fine. I am no longer in therapy so am just thinking about things I don't know.
That's funny "use 1% plus Google"---gee I google a lot as well.
Now I want to not even have to refer to the past. I want to know where it is stored though, so I won't be surprised if it hits me!
I broke my tib and fib
and am wearing a long long cast
My lover kissed me, my knees went weak
And my leg was crushed by my as*
Oh hiya Hops
Did you forget my hobby is writing lyrics and setting them to my own music and usually they are based on the truth but with artistic license so I can rhyme.
I am fine.
Read my post to Bella, above?
I take things in my stride--once they have happened I cannot go back. but if life was like this Board and something was wrong, we could delete the post!
Yes I was cheated and that could make me sad too if I allowed it, but I won't it's just a fact now.
Anything I write would be sad, but it is not getting to me. My interest though is psychology, the mind, brain, whatever because I have been analyzing, mainly me, since I was 15............likely drawing wrong conclusions.
So.................................
My foot was turned right backward
And I screamed in terrible pain
Then came the ambulance and firetrucks
"Good Lord it's Izzy!.... Not her again!
This is my third cast. This is the same leg for a long one. It was winter and I was stuck in the house in Ontario. The second was my left ankle and I had a Robo-boot and got around fine as I practiced and now this one---------every week call a cab, go to bone clinic, take off cast, check leg and foot, x-ray, re-cast, call a cab and go home.
Thanks for thinking of me, youse guys
Love Izzy
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Sorry to have misinterpreted Izzy, Thanks for explaining your feelings to me, and I am glad you are feeling introspective, but in a happy way.
X Bella
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Izzy,
I loved school, and teachers made a big difference in my life. There is a lot of teaching here, for sure.
Going to sign off momentarily and go watch the TV Izzy on Grey's Anatomy !
cp
SO YOU MISSED UGLY BETTY?!?!??? What were you think'in?!?!??
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Izz, that first verse is a stitch!
And I hear you, maybe I was feeling FOR you, but who knows, maybe there isn't a one-size-fits-all, eh? Maybe in some grand way it's just fine for you to live with less emotion than others do, and just find out if you can feel HAPPY.
xo
Lighter,
I've been neglecting Betty too, but love the show. Has she found love? Been promoted? No sparks w/Daniel?
Hops
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I had a thought hit me about Peace's post and Lupita's posts. The unhealed memories make us attracted to certain people as a 'way" to heal the old memories of abuse and get closure on the original situation.
I have read about this before in books, but I am really understanding how it comes together .. If I was looking for a guy,I would use this information to try (God Help me) find a good one .Just a thought about how the recent posts are hitting me Love Ami
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Hi Izzy,
I get it – you are surprised that it never occurred to you (even had you not been able to get it from your parents) that you could ask for different treatment.
I think that the generation we were raised in has a lot to do with this – and is one of the reasons I can’t get through to my mother (not a reflection on your relationship with your daughter at all – a very different kettle of fish, IMO).
When I was a kid, we had 1 small black and white tv that had 5 channels and bunny ears; a telephone that had a cord, that dialed that did not take pictures or have call waiting; the word computer was not invented; and we lived in a small house in a small community, and went to church every weekend (with a minister who loved to preach hellfire and brimstone, which my parents loved to routinely threaten me with). I had no outside contact with anyone except for one friend who lived on the same street (who my parents hated) until I went to kindergarten at 5. My knowledge of the world was limited to what my parents taught me. I didn’t start to question the treatment I received until high school – and that was at a time when child abuse became a household term. In fact, I thought that everyone was raised the way I was.
It makes me wonder where the youth of today will be in 30 years – will the knowledge at their fingertips make for a better life for all?
I am also shocked today at what kids are learning in school at such an early age. My D is in 3rd grade, and she is learning the beginnings of “real” geometry (not the ....this is a triangle kind...:shock: ).
In any case, it doesn’t surprise me that you didn’t question. From the information you have posted, your childhood was more isolated than mine.
The other thing I wanted to say, please don’t feel badly that you and your siblings did not protect one another. I think it is a direct reflection that you did not know any better at the time because of that isolation – how could you know? I think the important thing to realize is that now you would not put up with that kind of behavior from anyone.
It breaks my heart to hear of a 9 month old child being beaten for crying, and it breaks my heart to hear of everything you endured as a child.
Much love to you,
Peace
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Dear CB,
Thank you for thinking of me
He is grieving now--for all the times he said he didnt care when he really did. He says that he thinks he has done that a lot--to the point that he isnt sure now what he cares about
Very on! Like not knowing we have a choice and the freedom to choose. I never knew that either. As with your son, I never knew what I cared about, what would turn into a passion for me, what my goals were. ....or that I could care, and would have a passion and might have a goal. I was just not informed.
and that he is wrestling with all this at 18 instead of 68.
This is good and he will be all right, I am sure. with a mother like you to understand. The sad thing for me is that so many things were not available to me to learn, so I coped. I am learning now at 68, but 'is it too late'? My coping mechanisms were to get out of that mess and move on, generally to another mess and cope with getting out of that and so on through life. This Board is the first place I have let loose so many of my 'ignorances'. I think because I was coping my way, not knowing if THAT was right or wrong, made me grow into an independent person and a strong one and the biggie, one that no one ever seemed to understand
I am happy my posts have helped and I just wondered for the first time if it is becasue I am coming from the generation older than you, and most posters, whose parents might have lived my life. --in ignorance of the tools available to make for a good life.
because that's what I did as well. If I couldnt change it, I decided it didnt matter to me. It was a way of coping with the hopelessness of the situation. I really didnt cry about it very much. It just was the way it was.
Because I say so!!
Well, that is often (still) used by parents, but an explanation would be more educational. Yes. I was like one of the herd, just following along and not knowing what the hell I was doing, but not knowing either WHY I was wondering what the hell I was doing.
I never knew the answers because I never knew the questions..... so 'that (insert everything here)' was not in my life. Can you imagine your son, 50 years from now just beginning to question himself, the whys and wherefores, and try to make sense of life then?
It seems more people think I feel more than I think I do. I could be holding back in order to not be hurt.......... whatever reason, but I know I know these feelings in my head but that is as far as it goes. (Maybe I disowned my body after the car crash and there is no place else for them to go)
Thank you CB
Love Izzy
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Dear Hope,
I am so glad that you "get it". I think what I just posted to CB covers the same idea of never knowing it was there.
Like the Rock of Gibralter....I would never have known it was there and available if someone hadn't told me. ....not a good comparison, well maybe okay, since I suppose my head was filled with only rocks.
Isolation would have a lot to do with it, with no other kids around except dysfunctional siblings.
Now I am 'isolated' in a different way, but I have the brains and the Internet to try to piece together many things.
Thanks for understanding.
Oh A TV was in our house for the first time, when I was 16.
Love
Izzy
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Me too, Izzz. First TV when I was 14.
Thank heaven...
In terms of "too late", I think time isn't linear, but elastic.
So whether you spend 10 months or 10 years with new awareness and a deeper sense of who you are, those months or years are still yours...and the more aware, the more meaningful, IMO.
I can understand how you'd almost like to stop the process because it carries such a sense of loss, and having been cheated of so much time (and so much else). My Rx is:
Consider yourself Our Izzy Mandela, play lots of Shaka Zulu CDs loudly, and carry on!
love,
Hops
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Hi Hops,
You are always here for me . Thank you. I have your picture on my hard drive. Did you want it?
I have no idea of the music you propose, since I grew up on country and never ventured further afield but for classical.
I sense that whoever I am now is a more knowledgable person than the one who first joined. I am content in my position and hope to keep the status quo, while mulling over all sorts of things, still learning, but no big surprises.
Now a real negative is to say, "Oh yeah. All bent outta shape, at 68, in a chair with a broken leg and soup for brains", but it is a positive for me in that no one will expect me to come up with the theory that all MCs are square, or to invent a new way to slice bread. I can be taken as I am, with no opportunity to deal with the Peter Principle.
I have reached a point whereby everyone with whom I am in contact, treats me fairly, is friendly, respectful and I am without confrontations. I am also prepared to be assertive if necessary, but I have built a rather small world. I have no regrets about that yet. I needed it to get this far.
I think time isn't linear, but elastic. Very Good Thought!
Love
Izzy
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Hi Iz,
I just reread your original post this thread. Makes me feel like I need a really good brain flossing. Now, I'm going to read what others have to say and see whether I need regular mint flavored floss or barbed wire! :lol:
tt
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Hi Iz,
I'm curious, did you and your sister get to talk about this when she and your brother visited a few months ago? There's a name for what she experienced. It's one of those trans words. It just won't come to mind. Where should I look for it? In the 5% or the 95%? :lol: Anyway, I was just curious about how your sister came to tell you about her experience.
The age factor is one that I think we were all hit/beaten early on and maybe all of us hid it. My eldest sister. up to 1994. used to have feelings of floating on the ceiling, looking down at our old parlour, hearing a baby crying and Mom saying, "That's enough." The story behind that came out -----she was only 9 months old, and it was the day of Dad's brother's funeral. When she learned the truth, she stopped the floating. she was dressed and ready for the funeral, fell over on the chesterfield and began to cry so Dad was beating her.
Bella, this is really funny! In response to the `using 5% of your brain', well I only use 1% of my brain, and for the rest I just use google (and sometimes my partner as backup). And oddly I'm regarded as smart, lol.
Some days I just sits, then some days I just sits and thinks. Some days I just google! :lol:
I think time isn't linear, but elastic. Hops, I'm going to put this tidbit into my 5% (on second thought, it's probably more like Bella's 1%).
tt
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Hi tt
Glad you enjoyed the thread.
It was my eldest sister, not the one who came here, who had the floating experience. (transcendental? transportation? levitation? flashbacks? bbwwhhaaaaaaaaaaa) As well she had a choking feeling when bathing her first born child around the neck area. The floating and choking were together.
So it was the next oldest sister, not the one who came here, to whom the eldest told this. I never knew until 1994 when Mom was dying. So Sis #2 (I believe to be an N) went to Mom in the hospital and mentioned the other Sis floating and choking, and that is when Mom recalled the funeral day, the beating and the fact that the baby's throat was being pressured from lying on her tummy over Dad's knee while he wailed the tar out of her, and Mom remembered sayong, "Joelie. That's enough".
I google all the time!
My cast is quite the conversation piece. The guy next door, Bob, and I arrived at our apartment doors at the same time from different directions, said, "Hi" (and that normally would be it) then he spotted my cast and we talked over 15 minutes. I told I would have to wonder what to break next for attention. (I get his grown sons to come help me at times---like hang a shower curtain,,,like help my cleaner lift the china cabinet hutch... a slip them a little something as I feel better that way.)
I received plenty of attention on my downtown trip today, but won't likely see the strangers again.
Toodle-do for now!
Izzy
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Anybody who likes country music will get this immediately I think, Izz.
The sense of harmony and story.
And the sound...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ladysmith_Black_Mambazo
Somehow I think it'll appeal to you, let me know...
xo
Hops
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Hiya Hops,
It took me a long time to find a page with musivc on it
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=36227899 (http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=36227899) (for anyone else)
and I did like them very much. I had never heard of them
thank You
Love
Izzy
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Ahh...I love that song, Beautiful Rain.
If you ever treat yourself to a whole CD, Izz, Shaka Zulu of theirs is wonderful.
xo
Hops