Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: mountainspring on September 29, 2007, 03:08:45 AM
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Hi All,
Mammaw is dying, I’m almost sure. She’s taken several dives in the past 2 weeks. She hasn’t eaten since Thursday morning and today she was refusing even water. I was able to get her to take a couple sips every now and then, but each time she hiccup very deeply then refuse anymore. She’s doing that now in her sleep. She’s refused all of her morning meds this week. I was able crush them and sneak them in some applesauce or pudding early in the week, but even that isn’t working now.
We are under Hospice care and there are some wonderful people that work for hospice. They’ve been helpful and supportive through all of this. We’ve had nurses, social workers, and a chaplain working with us. They gave me a box of liquid medications and showed me how to administer them. We decided it’s best to keep her comfortable here at home rather than call rescue or take her to the hospital. One of the nurses came out tonight and said it was possible that she would come out of this for a little while, but she thought the dying process had started and would continue for hours or days.
Please pray for her and for me. Pray that whatever is best for her will happen and that when it is her time that she will go peacefully and pain free. And pray that I will know the right times to give her the meds she needs to keep her comfortable and pain free.
I’m very thankful that Mammaw has lived for so long. I feel extremely fortunate to have had her for a grandmother, and although I’m very sad right now, I refuse to be bitter because this is one area in my life where I have been very very blessed. I'm hoping that she will wake in the morning and ask for her oatmeal, but I think its unlikely. I think her time is near.
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Mountainspring,
I'm thinking of you, and the difficult time you are facing. I hope your grandmother is comfortable, and that you are aware you have done (and are doing) all you can for her.
Janet
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Mountainspring,
I have thought of you so often in the last weeks and known that you had your hands full with Mammaw. I am so very glad that you have had her for these weeks. You and Mammaw have always reminded me of me and my grandmother, and I feel very close to you right now as you wait with her.
Thank you for letting us know. Thank you, thank you. I wish I could be there to hold your hand--but know that I am holding it in spirit from far away. I will be praying for Mammaw, and for you. You have been so blessed to have had her. So blessed.
When you can, write and let us know how you are.
Much love, MS,
CB
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((((((((((((Mountainspring)))))))))))
I am praying for you and Mammaw and for all of your household there, that God will just make His presence known amongst you and fill you all with such great peace.
I'm so glad you shared this with us here... and I hope you're taking good care of yourself. You're a very special woman, Mountainspring, and as always I admire you so very much. Please write here when you're able.
With love,
Carolyn
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Dear MS,
You have been so blessed to have had a wonderful Grandmother. It means so much more to us( with N parents) than the 'normal" person,I think.
When you took her home,I thought that you are "paying her back" for the love and kindness she gave to you .
I am inserting my precious grandmother in to your picture. She gave me everything good and strong that I have ,today. She made me feel special. Also, with her , I could just be a "crazy kid" and it was O.K.
She gave me unconditional love. I don't remember ONE painful experience with her .It was all love, kindness and fun,too.
MS, you gave back such a wonderful and unselfish gift to your grandmother. I am so proud of you and glad did the "right' thing,even though it is hard and burdensome.
My Grandmother died in her sleep. However, a week before, she called me-- just to talk. She never did this b/c her generation did not call long distance(2000 mile away) just to talk. She told me precious things like she knew exactly what my "hands" looked like.She said that she always noticed people's hands I thought that it was 'strange" that she called to talk about "little sentiments". She died a week later. She was saying good -bye.. I did not realize it. I was having a fight with my H and said that I had to go. The next time I heard( a week later) she had died .
MS, it is the circle of life. She gave you a grandmother's love and you gave back a grand daughters love.it Is so beautiful that she is there in a home-- with people who love her.You and she are in my prayers. (((((((((((MS and Meemaw))))))))))))))
Love Ami
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Dear Moutainspring,
Thoughts, and love, and gentle touches to you and to dear Mamaw as she rests now.
I know how much those final chances to comfort mean...may they comfort you and her.
Love and sweet sleep to Mamaw, the lovely source of water, the clear spring, in MS' life...
Much much love and understanding to you MS as this sadness flows too, simple and clear.
(((((((Mountainspring)))))), eternal.
Hops
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Dearest Mountainspring,
I too have thought of you and Mammaw these last weeks. I visualize bands of angels ministering to her as she passes and to you and your precious family as you let her go. Thank goodness for Hospice. They are a wonderful organization.
My dear, you are wonderful.
teartracks
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((((((Mountainspring and Mawmmaw))))))
You have given Mawmmaw a truly wonderful gift. She is in a place of comfort and peace with you.
You are both in my prayers.
Much love,
Peace
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Thank you all for keeping Mammaw in your thoughts. She’s been in a deep sleep since my last post. I’m not sure how much of that has to do with the process and how much has to do with the hospice meds, but she seems very comfortable. I was playing Gaither music quietly yesterday and as this song was playing it gave me such peace. She’s asked for her Papa and Mama so much this past month.
They say Heaven’s pretty
living here is too
but if they said I would have to choose between the two
I’d go home, going home
where I belong
Sometimes when I’m dreaming
It comes as no surprise
that if you look you’ll see that homesick feeling in my eyes
I’m going home, going home
where I belong
While I’m here I’ll serve Him gladly and sing Him all these songs
I’m here, but not for long
When I’m feeling lonely, when I’m feeling blue
it’s such a joy to know that I am only passing through
I’m headed home, going home
Where I belong
One day I’ll be sleeping
when death knocks on my door
and I’ll awake and find that I’m not homesick anymore
I’ll be home, I’ll finally be home
Where I belong
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Hiya MS,
I will keep you and your Mammaw and family in my prayers. The hard part is letting go, I so wish I could send you strength and light. Please take care of you inbetween times.
That's a lovely poem and such a nice way to put it. Going home.
A safe and loving home awaits your Mammaw.
May her journey there be easy, if it is her time to go.
((((((((((((Mountainspring)))))))))
Sela
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So sorry to hear you're so sad.
Your Mamaw's been a lovely person in your life and now you're giving her the gift of love and comfort in her final, years....days.....moments.
Talk to her and tell her everything you want her to know.....
Hospice are very helpful, glad they're there for you.
Cold hands and feet will tell you her body's begun the process of shutting down.
Tell her about your days and keep sharing with her.
It'll be ok.... ((mountainspring)
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Dearest MS,
Pray that whatever is best for her will happen and that when it is her time that she will go peacefully and pain free. And pray that I will know the right times to give her the meds she needs to keep her comfortable and pain free.
Just a note to say, I'm remembering you and Mammaw today. I'm praying also, for love, strength, calm, harmony between you and all family members.
Prayers for your dad's physical needs too.
Love,
tt
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I wonder how Mamaw and MS are doing: /
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Mountainspring-
I know that you are very busy and involved in a sacred time with MawMaw. Please know that I am sending love and hugs to you both.
Love,
Changing
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Mammaw died this morning at 8:40. I can't really talk right now but I am okay.
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(((((((((MS))))))))))
My sympathy
Izzy
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MS,
Thank you for taking the time to come and tell us. I am so sorry, MS. I know you are okay.
I am so, so grateful that you had this time with Mammaw. That she was able to be in your home as she prepared for her leave-taking. Someone posted that this was a sacred time. It truly was and I hope the reality of that seeps into the very core of who you are.
I will be thinking of you over the next days and weeks as you cope with the pressures of your family and its various dysfunctions while trying to grieve. Please know that we are always here for you when you are ready.
Much love, Mountainspring,
CB
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((((((((Mountainspring))))))))) My sympathies to you and your family.
You gave Mammaw a loving haven from which to enter her rest... and now all of her tears have been wiped away... by a very special hand.
Love to you,
Carolyn
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((((((((MS and Mawmaw)))))))))))))))))
I can only imagine Mawmaw's last months have been sweet and happy with you, Mountainspring. You are a kind and wonderful person and she must have been so proud of you. Her last days sound wonderfully peaceful, free of pain, and full of love.
Love, Beth
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((( Mountainspring )))
You had Mammaw, she had you, and the two of you will continue your unbreakable bonds of love.
cats paw
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Dear MS,
You gave her a wonderful gift. She left this world with people who loved her--not strangers. She left with warm, homey surroundings.
I am so sorry for your loss. You were a wonderful granddaughter. You can always know that you gave her the unselfish gift of being able to rest with you.
I am so happy that you did that
She sounds that she was an A plus-Top of the line Grandma. You can always know that she knew HOW much you loved her. That should be such a comfort to you.
I am sorry for your grief,now, MS.
I will keep you in my payers.You and your Grandma are a beautiful love story,MS Love Ami
((((((((((((((((((((((MS)))))))))))))))))))))
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(((((((Mountainspring and Mammaw)))))))))
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((MS))
Mamaw's at rest.... she's at peace and she's knows you love her very much still.
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I just read this latest news! I feel bad I didn' catch it sooner.
MountainSpring,
I am sorry....so sorry for the loss you must be feeling. But I feel the blessing of rest coming to you both.
Peace and blessing to you as you move through these next stages of closure.
Poppy
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Dear Mountainspring-
Please accept my condolences at the loss of your beloved Manmaw. I got such an urge to take out my dulcimer and sing an old song that I love for you both. Do you know Wayfaring Stranger?
I am a poor wayfaring stranger
While traveling thru this world of woe
Yet there's no sickness, toil, nor danger
In that bright world to which I go
I'm going there to see my Manmaw
I'm going there no more to roam
I'm only going over Jordan
I'm only going over home
I know dark clouds will gather 'round me,
I know my way is rough and steep
Yet beauteous fields lie just before me
Where God's redeemed their virgils keep
I'm going there to see my Manmaw
She said she'd meet me when I come
I'm only going over Jordan
I'm only going over home
God Bless and Comfort You In His Divine Arms,
Changing
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my condolences mountainspring. I don't think love is ever wasted or forgotten and do think you will meet again.
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Dear Changing,
That took my breath away-- how beautiful. Thank you. Thinking of you---always. Love Ami
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Dearest Mountainspring,
I send you warm hugs.
Lean on the everlating arms of Jesus.
Much affection,
tt
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Dear Mountainspring,
Farewell to your lovely, loving Mammaw,
and thanks for all the grace you gave her
and gave us, too, by sharing her here.
I will remember her quilting, and remember
your devotion. You are love on legs. You
gave her everything.
Much love and sympathy,
Hops
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Hi Everyone,
I got home from Tennessee late last night. The past week has been so hectic with all the arrangements and everything. I was thinking about everyone on the board and wanted to thank you all. Over the past year and a half or so, I’d shared things Mammaw and I were doing, or struggles I was having, etc. I just wanted to thank you for being there during the good times and the bad. It was fun to share what we were doing, especially during our quilting days.
When I posted last I had no idea about what I was about to face. I knew she was dying and I had this idea in my head that she would sleep, then tell me she needed pain meds then sleep and she then she would pass. I thought she would be able to communicate with me when she was hurting. She couldn't. Things got scary for me when I realized she couldn’t move or speak. I don’t know if she had a stroke or if that was a result of being very very weak. I kept moving her and putting lotion on her so she wouldn’t get bed sores. I would watch her face and if her brow furrowed I would give her morphine. We went from once every three hours to once every 15 minutes. Tuesday she came back to me for about 2 hours. She was trying her best to tell me something, but her voice didn’t work. I was only able to lip read when she said she loved me, and I told her I loved her, and I lip read her saying I know it. But something else was on her mind that day and I couldn’t make out at all the rest of what she was saying. I told her I was sorry but I couldn’t understand what she was trying to tell me. After that she went back to sleep. She would come around at times but only for a minute. I would say if you are not comfortable blink. Sometimes she would and sometimes she wouldn’t. There was a large lesson in this with boundaries. As the days passed, the urge to call rescue to take her to the hospital was almost overwhelming. I kept thinking maybe they could hydrate her and give her a feeding tube and she would last a while longer. But she didn’t want that, and I knew she didn’t. There were times I would put a sponge to her mouth and she would shut it tight, and our last trip to the hospital a couple of weeks prior she made very clear she wanted no part of it.
Changing - Wayfaring Stranger was very comforting to me. Thank you. I read it many times.
Thank you all for your posts. I came back to the thread several times during those days and would just read. I couldn’t say anything at the time, but it felt like friends were nearby holding my hand. Thank you.
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I've started many posts to you then felt I couldn't get my thoughts through and given up.
I wish we were taught that dying isn't an unexpected tragedy.... that's it's natural and OK and part of life..... it'll be ok.
note to self, what do I want to teach my children about it now.... while they're still small?
I'm going to start taking some of the distress out of the word death and dying. My 5yo is espeicially upset by the thought of dying.
You handled your Mamaw's passing with grace, love and patience.
Well done..... she's at rest and knows you love you.
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Dear MS,
What a love story you had with your Grandmother. How hard it must have been for you-- emotionally and physically ,but you must have opened a new place in your heart as a result...
MS, you will always know how much she loved you . Love to you, Ami
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(((((((Mountainspring))))))) You are truly the gentlest and sweetest-heart and I cannot imagine a finer way to go home than with you faithfully standing watch. Much love to you and your family... and peace...
Carolyn
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Mountainspring,
I have loved hearing about you and Mammaw. :cry:..
Love,
tt
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Thanks TT, Certain Hope, Ami, and Lighter.
I have 2 boxes in her room now. One for things to keep and one for things to take to Goodwill or the clothes closet. I need to get that finished as soon as possible. My sister (my biological adopted cousin, which makes Mammaw's sister her grandmother, we called her Nana) gave me some advice about sorting through things. She said one time when the time came to sort through momentos and things that were meaningful to me and create a special place in the house to display them, like maybe a shadow box. But she said hanging on to everything wasn't healthy and that she had learned that the hard way. I think Mammaw would want most of her clothes donated and the quicker that's done the better. Walking in there makes me think to much.
One of the best things Mammaw ever did for me was to teach me how to cook her favorite recipes. I cook her cake and her pies and the kids love them, and even though she's gone that part of her is still here and will remain here as long these things are passed down. I think my daughters may even continue cooking the recipes when they are grown. I think that's why love never dies, it's just passed from generation to generation, and knowing where the recipes came from makes them more special. Even though she is gone, her influence and love that she left here are still very strong. I can feel her presence when I wrap myself up in one of her quilts.
In times like these in the past I would go into hiding for a while and sort my feelings out. But I want to be healthier this time so I've gotten my calendar out and am going to try and continue projects and ideas I was working on before she died. I think she would be happy about that. My calendar has saved me so many times when stressful things would happen. I would forget where I was or even about the projects all together. But writing everything down reminds me where I am and what my next step is.
My father gave me some very old pictures of him and Mammaw when he was a baby. I want to find a good frame and a special place in the house to put them.
I also want to order some more iron transfers for the quilts we use to make. Mammaw made so many, and didn't keep one. She always said the joy came from giving them to people you loved that were special to you. So I think I'll get that back out and start working on it. Maybe make one for each of my kids and put it in a hope chest, then work on the baby quilts and put those in hope chests for my future grandchildren. There's one relative that has been especially kind to my son, i thought I may make the first one for that person.
I also found many quotes that she wrote in her Bible over the years. I want to organize those and do some type of project with those. If they are on the wall or in a special book that part of her will be here with us too.
Maybe it's time for a part time job. I don't really know what's in the future for me. Maybe it's better to be here with the kids. I guess in time I will know what is right for me.
Thanks for listening.
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((MS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Grandmothers are a special gift from God. My grandmother gave me unconditional love .It was based on me--as I was. I never had to "clean up" in any way. She simply loved me. Anything good that I have inside me is from her. What an impact a loving Grandmother can have on a life and on succeeding generations. Mammaw lives on and will always ,MS Love Ami
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Dear Mountainspring,
You sound so very grounded and calm... I can feel that peace which surpasses all understanding, as it's guarding your heart and mind. Your plans and the flow of your thoughts are lovely to hear : ) Thank you so much for sharing them... and Mammaw... with us here. To my thinking, you've given each of us a great gift in this.
And I think that you have learned so much about abiding, which is a condition I've often failed to maintain, but I'm getting there, at last... in no small part because of folks like you who set such an awesome example, MS. Thank you for bein here.
God bless and keep you and your family in Jesus....
With love,
Carolyn