Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Lupita on September 29, 2007, 10:25:41 AM
-
Today is Saturday. Fridays I have dance class and after the class we stay at the school and dance with each other until 2 or 3 in the morning. I Do not stay that late. But I usually stay a couple of hours. That is the way that the sexy dancing bad boy thing started.
Last night, I had more than I had in the past. In the past I stayed home and drank until passing out or just watch TV with 40 more pound on my a*s. Now I am in a better situation. I have a place to go out. I am skinnier. I have a couple of friends to go out. Still, I feel sad. I was feeling well until SDBB (sexy dancing bad boy) destroyed it. Then problems at work, then my friend from the gym started going out with my ex friends from the book club. I left the book club because those friends were being unfair to me and started going out with a friend from the gym and had fun. Suddenly she met the friends from the book club and she prefers to be with them. Now she does not go out with me. She goes out with my ex friends from the book club. So I found new two friends to go out with. I took them to my salsa class and they liked it and the registered for class. Yesterday they went to the Friday dance with me. I found book club bad friends there, with the traidor friend. Those started making friendship with my new friends. Those ex friends from the book club started making friends with my new friends. Those two new friends I am afraid they will cut me off and start going out with book club people. It seems that something bad is chasing me. These last two weeks have been difficult. Of course, my son is healthy, I still have a job. It is just the Maslow piramid I am in the acceptance an social part. I want to have friends and people to go out with and if God allows me to have a companion of the opposite sex that has love for me and we have compatibility.
But this week has been so hard. Last night at salsa school Friday dance, I am there sad because of the problems in my school, I see SDBB dancing with other women, and I see my ex friends from book club stilling every single friendship I make.
I need a friend today. I need a friend today, today, physical contact with a human being, I do not know what I want. Yesterday I invited several of my classmates to dance, they are very young, nice people, kids, I just wanted to practice, but they were so busy that they could not or did not want to dance with me. So I was rejected in all aspects of my life.
At least I had a good day at work, I sang with my students and they loved the songs and I put the Mexican hot dance and I danced for them with a sombrero and one got up and dance Hip Hop with the Mexican music and it was very cute, and we all laugh at the end of the day I knew I did a god job. Still, I had to face the fact that my boss is getting away with murder, and have difficulty finding friends and difficulty finding partners to dance. SDBB invited me to dance with him three pieces, and I was so nervous that I missed up several times. At least eh saw mw dancing with two classmates. So he knew I danced a little. It is a psychological battle even to go try to practice my dancing skills at my own school. Every single thing I do it seems to cause me a huge stressful feeling. I am exhausted. Help me friends.
-
Hey wonderfully talented Lupita,
I felt the saddness in your post. What exactly is it about your situation that confuses you? Is it that you are trying to hard to improve yourself and to let your light shine, and you wonder why it doesn't bare the fruit you need? Is that the confusing part? What is the psychological battle, exactly? What about your circumstances makes you feel so exhausted? Is it all the effor, stress, and tears trying to make your life work? Hoping this action or that action will attract friends? I am guessing here.
with ears open,
Poppy
-
Dear Pop, thank you for talking the time to write and to talk to me. It feels nice, that at least through this screen of my computer I can get a human being to talk to me.
Unofrtunately, I do not know how to answer you. The same fear at high school. Friends betraying, boyfriend betraying, boss discriminating, all together. I should have stayed home and cry instead of going there.
-
Dear Lupita,
Since I am recovering from that disease called head in your A##- itis,I would like to tell you some things that have ( and are helping ) me.
My book on the inner child describes 3 parts in us. There is the Child,Adult and Higher self( connection to God).
One person described in the book reminded me of your situation. She had not developed her 'adult" well enough . Her "child" was running her life.
Her child was not 'monitored " by an adult with loving care and guidance. Her child had been pushed aside in her upbringing(like most of ours have ) and her hurting ,abandoned child was directing her life.
We need to develop the Adult part of us b/c the adult part of us is the ONLY part of us that can take action in the world.
Our child feels all the feelings that you describe-- wanting attention, wanting to be appreciated,wanting to be part of a group.However,our adult must keep us safe.Our adult must add two and two together and make it four--for us-- in the world.
You raised a good son. You know how to nurture someone.You know how to take care of someone. That is what the adult part of you needs to do for YOU.
The hardest part of the whole thing is to go against those deeply held messages that our M's told us about our value( that we were worth less).
It is very hard for me to go against all the "rules" that she taught me. I am doing it slowly. This is just another modality for you to consider Ami
-
I ahve to tell to you dear Ami the same I said to Pop, I do not know how to. Tell me how do I do that.
And how am I supposed to do that?
I do not drink sodas, I drink a lot of water, I exercize, I help everybody I can, I do a good job at my work, I listen to affirmations. How in the world am I supposed to do what you are saying?
I read my bible, I go to church, bla bla bla, what else can i do.
-
This is my 'textbook " right now---Healing Your Aloneness " by Margaret Paul. I am making progress---not as fast or steady as I want,but progress,nonetheless.
It is hard tp get back in touch with our deep self-----BUT what good is life with as MUCH suffering as you are describing.?The book says that inner child work is the fastest and deepest way to heal( Bradshaw said it.I am reading his book too)
If we don't somehow learn to love ourselves----nothing will ever be O.K
A million 'bad boys" can't fill it. It is unfillable without our loving ourselves.
I am hurting and struggling too,Lupita,but I am finding my true self and it is BEAUTIFUL. Yours is too. Love Ami
-
I was just doing an inner child workbook and something came up that might help (even if you don't do the inner child "work").
Much of the inner child "therapy" is discovering your false beliefs and SEEING that they ARE false. I got a great insight that I shared on "Shunned's thread .
I "saw" with my heart that I am a decent person- maybe even a 'neat" person.I saw that my M simply had a layer of lies that she inculcated me with. She simply was like one of those "nagging"characters in cartoons that keep "bugging" someone.. She was simply a continual shower of lies raining down on me.
I am seeing it for the first time since I was 14.
The hardest part is being willing to change old patterns b/c they are familiar AND comfortable no matter HOW much we hate them .We KNOW them. WE have made "friends" with them. WE are intimate with them and they are a "security" against "change" which is so fear producing for us.
I see that in myself. If I am used to eating' old moldy bread",.I resist fresh baked, healthy bread.
I have to force myself to do the inner child exercises. However, when I do, I get "dislodged" from the painful, familiar patterns. It is like breaking "stone". However,I am really SO miserable being like I am. I have wasted all the "specialness" that is me. That was my life with my M.
I gave my specialness away for nothing and to everyone. I am tired of being like this. Ami
-
Those were beautifully written posts, AMi; I really enjoy reading about all the things you have learned. Thank you!
Dear Lupita,
I get the sense from your post that you're just out of practice with socializing as the `new Lupita', because your new identity has only come about within the last 6 months and it is so different to the old you.
I think when we change so much, we attract different types of people too, and it can take a little time to get used to them, such as picking the right people to be around, and knowing who the right friends for you are. I think it is very natural for you to be confused at this point, but I admire you for getting out, and trying to figure it all out. I think you will meet a lot more people generally, and some of them will be bad, and some of them will be good, and some of them will be very good. Eventually you will know who to avoid, because experience has taught you.
I guess my advice is to be patient, and to trust that you will get more used to picking the right type of friends for you.
X Bella
-
Hi Lupita,
When you mentioned that you do affirmations, I was thinking of so many threads when you attack yourself. It's like hearing you slap yourself repeatedly, with words: ugly nose, noone will love me ever, I am fat, my cheeks are too round, etc etc.
I wonder if one way to begin to change the feeling of being so unkind to yourself would be to notice when you have angry, self-critical thoughts like that, and stop yourself? One book I read years ago suggested a very simple method for retraining your thoughts: wear a thick rubber band around your wrist and when you catch yourself saying one of those unloving things to yourself about yourself, SNAP it! The quick sting is a shock and you use that moment of "thought-stopping" to come aware.
Then you start thinking self-loving affirmations immediately.
Do that for a while and the positive thoughts become the default thoughts.
Just a...thought!
love
Hops
-
Thank you Bella, and HOp. It seems to be a good idea. Is that what Ami is talking about? Ami says to love your self and to nurture your self.
Is that the way you do that?
Or if you cannot explain the way others act, then you can say to your self it is not under my control, it has nothing to do with me, I am a good person, and there is no reason for that person to ge away from me, or to be with me that particular way, I am good. It is not up to me. Let it go.
Is it something like that?
How do you nurture your self?
-
My mom is an N, my boss discriminates openly against me, nobody cares, my friends betrayed me and the man I liked rejected me. Which in a way is a blessing because we all know that he is bad. But still, how can I nurture my self?
I do not know how.
-
As I read eveyone's posts,I thought that we are coming at the SAME thing from different angles. Janet is doing EFT to dislodge old,worn out,destructive beliefs. Hops is doing hypnosis. Other people do affirmations. If ind that the 'inner child works best for me.
The whole point is to "shake up" and dislodge the old beliefs that are KILLING us. I really believe that killing is not too strong a word. They are destroying us from the outside in.
I bought Lucinda Bassetts program for healing Anxiety and Depression.It really did not help very much. However,one thing was very interesting. She said to carry a notebook with you and write down all your thoughts about yourself. So, I was shocked at how horribly I talked to myself. There was my M's voice---loud and clear. It always had some version of.'WHOOOOO do you think YOUOOOOO are?"
I always gave the "right" answer. I am no one. I am worthless. I don't deserve to even nurture myself. I am soooo bad. THAT was my answer and that was my thinking.The resut of this thinking over many years was that I could not "eat"
The inner child books are a modality that sits well with me. I don't want another 'expert" telling me what is wrong with me. I believe, as the IC books say, that I KNOW the answers inside. This appeals to me more that "putting myself in a therapists hands.
Lupita, you really were treated so pitifully. I am having to face that I was truly an abused person, too.
I think that your very first goal would be to find some safe place( person,group) where you could grieve what your M did to you. I don't think that you have truly faced it --with your heart.
I don;t say this lightly. As bad as my M was, she was not in the league of yours. I think that your deep insecurity arises from her treatment of you and your belieif that she was 'right"
THAT is the core belief that MUST be changed.I believe that that core belief is "attracting" bad people to you. Throw it in the compost heap,if you want.
I believe that this ONE place is where you need to begin. You need to grieve the biggest betrayal that life has------ a mother hurting you. If there is one person who I could kill with my bare hands(or marble coffee table) it would be your mother.
If I ever saw her------Watch out.I feel so much anger toward her and I have only HEARD about her.
That is my 2 cents. Ami
-
The affirmations that I am listening now are boring now. Do you know of other affirmations that I can listen? I am listening to Louis Hay now. I need to change, I know those by memory and it does not help when I am having problems.
-
Dear Lupita,
Maybe ,your first step could be to carry a notebook with you and write down all your thinking processes(about yourself). I bet you would be shocked to see exactly what you say to yourself. Sometimes seeing exactly HOW we treat ourselves can shock us in to 'giving up" the old patterns .
Healing is slow(IME). Getting sick was slow ,too.
Every little step is really a huge step. Ami
-
OK, Ami, I am going to follow your advise. I will try to be as honest as possible. Will write here if I can.
Today I feel better after going to church. Not becasue I did a god job nurturing my self, but becasue I obtain satisfaction from the outside and today it was a satisfactory outside. bed, very bad.
The custodios at my school are hispanics. They were very badly mistreated by our boss. They talked to the pastor and he said that they should become members of the church. they did today. When the pastor asked the congregation to welcome these new members, one is from Cuba the other from Honduras, the pastor said to help everybody from any nation and any race. For the first time I thought he was talking to Dr. U, the boss, who was there of course, he has to be there every Sunday as everybody else, me and others. The congregation aplauded. Somebody said Haleluya. I was happy to witness that the pastor was welcoming these tow hispanics to the church in public, for everybody to see.
In Sunday school, my ex boss, who is the Sunday school teacher, mentioned many passages and verses and chapters, where you shoulkd not think more of your self because everyting you have was given to you by God but nothing because you deserve it but by grace. I tought that was directed to Dr. U who of course was there.
Then the accountant of the school who is important in the church told me personally that he was glad to have me there and introduced me to his wife and his wife gave me a hug and called me honey.
Then we had a lunch prepared by the men of the church, somebody asked me to place my slef in front of her becasue she knew that I had to go. My son was waiting for me to have lunch together somewhere else. Dr. U was there and nobody invited him to get in the line. Not that I saw. He was just standing in there. I got my plate and left. He was not in line yet when I left. I did not even say good morning to him at all. He had ot have noticed that I do not like the way he has treated me.
I will do my best with the kids, I will do the best of my abilities for my kids to learn my subject matter, I will pray for the school, and I will pray for God to change the heart of this person.
My point is that I am happy for the actions of others and not for what I am or what I think I am but for stimukus that come from the outside and that is not good. Stimulus can be negative then i feel bad.
So, those are my thoughts for today.
Thank you Ami foryour time and suggestions.
On the other hand, what if they are just faking it just to cover for Dr. U's inappropriate behavior? What if they are in combination with Dr. U to get rid of me? Naaaaaa!!!, I dont think so.
-
My happiness of today is a souer happiness, I like the ideas of my boss, I like most of the changes he is making, but I hate the way he treats me. He should have never asked me if I came swiming in to this country. I had the blessing to come by plane. But I know of many people that really had to swim and were eaten by sharks in the sea or get drown in the river. That was very bad of him, not to mention that he told me that we should build walls against Mexico and that too many Spanish people are in this country and that he wont be living to see that hispanics are growing in number. That was offensive, openly offensive. I love the USA and I would be willing to fight for this country and I am an American citizen. Dr. U should not be talking to me that way.
I have a sad happiness.
-
Dear Lupita,
I think that your boss just falls under the category of things that are PITIFUL and sad. One thing that I
just saw was an example of "What you sow ,you reap." There was a girl who said some nasty things behind my back( not knowing that she was talking to a friend of mine). I didn't do anything,but many misfortunes befell her. I am not saying that it was B/C of me. However, she must have built up a lot of bad "sowing" and treated many people the same way.
There is a spiritual law of what you sow ,you reap. Your boss will answer someday about how he treated you.
Sometimes, that is the only satisfaction we can take from the whole thing.It is a promise from the Bible.
I have to do this with many people who have hurt me. I have to try to turn it over to God to "avenge". God tells me NOT to do it--EVEN though I want to very much,at times Love Ami
-
Dear Lupita,
I think that you took a good step. You realized that at church it felt good when people approved of you,but that it would not last and you needed to go inside and find your deepest self and love her.
That is a very big step ,Lupita Love Ami
-
Hi Lup,
It is lovely that the people responded with love and welcome for you, and for the other new members.
Imagine you were secure, established, and that noone would ever even think to suggest you do not belong. Imagine that you have been enjoying this feeling of safety and belonging and kinship for many, many years...
Now imagine that a new, frightened person is standing there with you, on their first day as part of this community. What would you feel toward them? Would you feel kindness? Compassion for their uncertainty? Eagerness to make them welcome, to assure them of your loving intention?
All of those things ... you can learn to feel toward yourself. It's like, being a gracious host, a loving welcomer...to yourself.
(No more cruel lists of things you find flawed. Okay? Stop them when you start them! Say to yourself, I love you and I welcome you. I think that's how you do it.)
love, and welcome,
Hops
-
Writing thoughts, having something in my wrist to remember me when I am thinking bad thoughts, welcome my self, those are very good advises.
Thoughts for today.
Last night I went to salsa class. I astrtaed to feel sad at salsa class. Two guys, used ot be very bad dancers. I helped them, I practiced with them, a lot, hours, although it was very boring to dance with them, I did, a lot of times. After three onths of practicing with them, they decided to go after other ladies. It is OK with me, I want to be friends with them, but I still want to dance with them. Well, they do not dance with me anymore. They just did not want to dance with me yesterday. I did not look for other partners because I was relying on them. I was very lonely. I invited a friend from the gym, she is very pretty and good person. Those "idiots" (they are not idiots, only selfish b*tches) started going after my friend and ignored me totally.
I need to find new partners. I need to stop feeling bad ofr what other people do. It is not under my control what other people do. I have to feel well on my own.
There I go to school, pray ofr me dear friends.
-
Dear Lupita,
I know that you are hurting,but you sound better than you ever did,before. At least you know that the answer starts with you. That is a huge step forward(IMO).
I am praying for you and I bet that you will have a good day,today Ami
-
You don't have any choice but to perservere, Lupita.
How will you perservere.... that is the question.
Imminent victory.... or constantly defeated without hope?
I hope you choose to steele yourself and set your cap on choosing better people.
Setting goals that build you up, lay stepping stones to better places and feelings.
That's all you can do every moment of every day.
You can't ::Poof!:: make things different in a moment.
Things ebb and flow.... even when you're doing the very best job you can and keep your attitude positive and resolute.
You need to set it in your heart....
You will be OK.
You will make better choices every day.
You will say no to the things and people that don't build you up. No waffling. No agonizing.... just.....
NO.
Don't let evil words in.... remember?
You don't have to internalize crap.... leave it where it belongs... with the people who try to share it with you.
-
Today i had problems in my third period class. Two students refused to sit down. They do not want to sit down on time everyday, they want me to take time to tell them to sit down. Just plain defiance. So I called a parent and it seemed to me that he hanged up but I called him back and he said that he was going to talk to his son. I talked to the youth group bible teacher and he said that he was going to talk to him. I had a conference with themother of the other. She said that she was going to help but that her son only misbihaved in my class, so I tolde her that that made me very sad because I was not doing anything different than other teachers and that why was he doing those things only to me. She said that he was going to stop but his face did not show any remource. I know from my heart that he is going to misbehave again because that is his personality.
The point is that I feel so bad, because Iknow I do not count on my boss, I feel that I am alone, that I am being accused of something that I do not know, I cannot see a Low and Order program, becuase I feel too much stress thinking that I am being prosecuted for something I did not do.
I just hope that these feelings end. I honestly blame my boss for these feelings because he started ataking me for no reason. But I know that you are going to tell me that I have to nurture my self and that I have to find security fomr inside me.
very difficult.
-
Lupita:
I think they're backing you up the best way they can.... by standing there with you, in life.
They aren't picking a fight or making him cry uncle..... not sure how to feel about that yet.
You feel better.
I'm glad.
I'm curiouse whether or not you feel pity for the little bully bigot, standing there... not being asked into line.... all by himself?
I did.
In my mind I picture you extending grace to him.... so that perhaps he stops hating for a minute.... and sees your individual face.
He's been lumping groups of people together and hating them wholesale.... to feel better about himself.
Now..... it would seem some of the pay off has been removed by the pastor and other church members.
Dare I use the word....?
Redemption?
It would be so nice if this Dr. Boss man saw your face and realized he was being extended grace, though he gave none. Wow....
It would be nice if you realized that there will always be little people in positions of authority, who abuse that authority.
Nothing to do with you.... it's universal.
I want Lupita to have her imaginary helmet on..... be comfortable in her own skin and be Ok, no matter what comes her way.
NO....no.... that's not really true.
I guess...
I want you know deep down without a doubt... that you will be OK.... no matter.
You are worthy, the same as the rest of us.
Claim it and know it.
-
Do you claim that Lighter? Have you succeeding in owning your worthiness and believing that you can handle, with grace everything that comes???
And if you have, what was the thing or the time that help that shift to take place for you?
Poppyseed
-
It may not always be graceful.... but I believe, to the bottom of my soul.... that I can handle whatever comes along.... and it'll be OK.
Ok,. lol..... it's NOT always graceful, lol.
Even if it's not ok....
it'll be ok, though.... I do believe that.
I guess that's why I say here it so much.... that's what it came down to for me... and how I make it day to day.
Ya, I believe I'm worthy....
and maybe that didn't happen for me till I was in my mid 30's? Sounds right.
I will tell you this..... pulling myself up by the bootstaps, making a plan and acting, pretending I felt worthy when I didn't, pretending things would be OK when I didn't know..... surviving something more painful than I'd ever faced before.... were the building blocks over years that lead to this place.
I hope there's better places to come and that my current troubles are building blocks, as well.
In any case.... I have to believe they are.
The old...."what doesn't kill me makes me stronger" saying is exactly true, in my case.
I sure am tired of growing.
I also took what made sense from professionals who figure this stuff out for a living... and left the rest.
So now.... if ever I doubt, bc the facts say I must, I still have some small belief inside myself.
Yikes,
I guess I'd have to call it faith based though I found that faith through painful experiences......
I wasn't raised in the church and I'm spiritual rather than religous.
About the redemption stuff......
for me.... Lupita's boss coming around and embracing her, bc she extended grace.... would be 100X more powerful than Lupita extending grace to him.
Lupita is a kind gentle soul who wishes no one harm.
She doesn't feel better when she harms other people.
Being kind and extending grace makes her feel better about herself, on the norm, bc that's her nature.
Dr. Employer.... does feel better when he's cruel to other people.
For him to go against his nature would be a very rare act of grace... since most everyone DOES what makes them feel good, right?
For me..... it's the absolute definition of redemption..... when this happens.
I don't know how Lupita feels about it.
I don't know how I'd feel about it if I were in her position.... I certainly struggle with these same issues myself as a human being, every day: /
Today I have the luxury of viewing her situation as an outsider.... without the pain and emotion she's experiencing so.... it's easier for me to see this.
It comes and goes... ebs and flows... all the time getting stronger (I hope.)
Two steps forward.... one step back.
You know.... the normal act of healing and feeling comforatable in our skins..... growing patience and calm strength within ourselves..... running around in mad cirlces for a spell.... processing enough to get a grip.... plan..... remain stable no matter what?
I guess it all comes down to our definition of the words stable, redemption, grace, nurture, belief and human nature?
I'm babbling now and must run... thank goodness.
(((Poppy))) We're all worthy... we just have to figure out how to believe.
Do you claim that Lighter? Have you succeeding in owning your worthiness and believing that you can handle, with grace everything that comes???
And if you have, what was the thing or the time that help that shift to take place for you?
Poppyseed
-
Lighter,
It facinates me to hear what the view is like from the higher plateaus. Thanks. Sorry if I made you defend your comments to Lupita. I really just wanted to know how you had managed your success. I loved the comments you made. So insightful.
Grace.......much different than graceful, isn't it??? :lol:
Lupita,
I am sorry for the hijack. Back to you....... Your situation is challenging. There is not doubt about that.
Poppy
-
The short of it is.....
I think we'll always feel better if we take the high road..... even if we do so for people who would never extend a kindness to us.
I don't think changing who we are.... the good things about us..... is something we should strive for, not that anyone here was suggesting anything of the sort.
Would Lupita feel better if she got her boss smacked around and punished.....
or if she was the catalyst for a bigoted bully to examine his belief system and change for the better?
Not saying we should be ungaurded chumps who don't want other's held accountable for their actions.....
just aware of what our goals are, mind, body and spirit.
::sigh::
Re reading that made me acutely aware of how our natures, at least my nature, makes me the perfect N companion.
I don't think we seek them out....... it's them who seek us.
::Smacking self around::
I distinctly remember giving up on REDEMPTION, several months ago!!!!
::sigh::
It's so hard not to backslide, ya know?
::shaking head::
-
You understand the balance! And I love how you do it. Your gumption! Your spirit! Your love and insight! And human kindness! ......And sass! Let's not forget the sass!!!
I feel like what you describe is how I have tried to live my life. This kind of view has been part of myself that I allowed to fade away or be put away. ANGER AT SELF! Now I am fighting to get it back. Fighting to give myself permission to come back to life!! I guess I was prey for the N's as well. I feel more like "N-food" rather than a companion. Companionship implies some sort of equality.
Holding people responsible......but with kind understanding.....grace......Beautiful concept! Add a bullet to my "practice balance" check-list.
Thank you for giving parts of me a voice!! And helping me remember that this personality in me was good!
I see the day when my strength will outweight my want for strength!
-
G r a c e.
I love that word.
I also love the concept of having strength enough to outweigh our desire to posess it.
Yes.... that's part of the key, isn't it?
-
Your words are wonderful. Difficult to do. For me, almost impossible, at how I feel, so bad so bad.
Everything is going bad for me right now. Still, I have tog ive thnkas to God because my son is fine, or at least he is not telling me of anything bad.
I feel that my boss was not acting alone. Many people supported him. That means they do not like me either. I was not liked since the day I was born. I was kicked out for my last church by a narcissistic pastor who thought that any kind of disagreement was a direct attack to him. I had to leave another job because nobody wanted to talk to me. In my salsa class, nobody wants to talk to me either. All the people who used to dance with me are not dancing with me anymore.
I have the tendency to think that somebody is poisoning people against me, but my son tells me that it is not a vampire who bites other people and are affected the same way. So, if nobody is poisoning people against me, who is? Why suddenly I am being rejected everywhere?
If the loneliness at salsa continues I will have to leave too.
I am afraid. I have not found any positions available, but I am tired to run. I always have to leave because I feel or I am rejected.
There is no doubt that some people in power wanted to get rid of me at my school. Why? I do not know. I do a good job, the kids like me, most of parents like me.
Who wanted to get rid of me? Why nobody likes me?
At dance school everybody asks me to practice, but when the dance comes, nobody dances with me. All those who practiced with me go and dance with others. Most of them younger women.
They wanted to get rid of me at the school Now they put me in the bulletin and asked everybody to congratulate me for my citizenship. It says that they are glad to have me there. So, now if I tell somebody that I am being mistreated, people are going to think that I am crazy, how come, they just put you in the bulletin.
But in all jobs somebody wants to get rid of me, in all jobs, someboy protects me, I hate that. I want to be wantes. Why do I have to deffend my job, why do I have to be protected if I am working hard and dong a good job?
I want to have a job because I am good, not because somebody is protecting me. But always always always there is somebody trying to hurt me.
Yesterday in salsa class, there was one lady who did not switch when the teacher said it, so I was momentarily without a partner. Then I said, she did not swith, I do not have a partner. At that moment she had swithed, she just wanted me to complain, she just wanted to put me in the spot. She wanted to damage me, why? I donot know. Then she told me to breath. She did not switch in purpose, then she swithed and looked at me as she was superior.
I am getting sick.
All my bad luck started with sexy dancing bad boy. Then everything went bad.
-
On top of all there is these old man in salsa class with knee replacement that always wants to practice with me, and I do, I practice with him, and help him, despite that he is sweating like crazy and he does not care to be putting his sweat on you, I am very considerate in that aspect, then he comes and gives me hugs and leaves all his sweat on my arms and my clothing and when we do the hair brosh, your arms are not supposed to be applied like butter on his neck full of sweat, and put up with it and give him a smile. And yesterday during the dance he did not dance with me, he danced with other ladies except me.
Why everybody rejects me?
-
Lup-I could be far off base but I wanted to put in my two cents worth here. I have not read the whole thread but the last couple scream victim. Sometimes our thoughts become a self fulfilling prophecy. What we think becomes reality. If you think no one likes you then you might send off DO NOT LIKE ME vibes. We all seem a bit sensitive to criticism here. Maybe people are not being mean to you but you assume they are and expect and hear the worst. Am I correct or in left field?
-
So glad CB posted that wonderful post.
Yay... CB.
Now.... I want to tell you that I believe people are being catty and avoiding you...
I also want to say that I believe the women are threatened and resentful and bitchy.
Pretty much how a good percentage of American women operate every day. ::shrug::
I know..... been there.... done that.
I can remember being happy and not even noticing what they were doing..... as an introvert.... you almost have to hit me over the head at times to get me to notice my surroundings.
When I'm not feeling well.... or I'm a little paranoid.... look out. I see everything and I just get to feeling worse.
It's a spiral.
Fortunately, it's always been a cycle, as well.
I feel so bad I have to DO something that moves me into new space.
It might not always be better space.... but it's different and it always leads to better space.
It's life.
You can't stay where you are, Lupita.
That discomfort is telling you that you're in the wrong place.
Inside your head mainly, IMO.
Maybe in the job and dance class too.
In this society.... women aren't allowed to have TOO MUCH.
Unspoken rules and agreements.
Fortunately, you don't have to depend on anyone's approval or permission to have more and be happy.
But you DO require outside socialization, which can be problematic.
You're introverted.
The meanies are the ones who find you.
Other nice introverts are usually being monopolized by meanies too, IMO.
SO..... how to break the cycle and socialize with uplifting people you can claim as your new family and build around?
They don't just walk up and tap you on the shoulder, do they?
Do you walk up and tap people on the shoulder?
I don't. I always get tapped or I don't get tapped at all. ::blowing raspberry:: That's not good.
Why don't we tap?
Why do we feel victimized instead of do what the meanies do.... and tap the shoulders of nice people?
I have no idea but it's harder for us to sustain relationships too..... harder to stay attached and it almost feels like we need meanie GLUE people in the middle of it all.... but they ruin things, don't they?
So.... I guess maybe we add some skills.
Become more outgoing and actively seek out nicer people.... SAY NO TO THE BAD BOYS up front....
Find other places to locate these people. Church is a great place, IMO.
You can visit and join other dance schools?
Take a part time job somewhere you enjoy being?
Volunteer somewhere to meet new people with similar interests?
Keep your eye out for other job opportunities.
I know you play volley ball and dance and go to church.... all social endeavors and I envy your spirit and gumption. It's clear others do too.
I'm just saying.... it's time to make a move.
Not necessarily ADD new things.... just adjust and shift.... try new groups.... talk to new people in those groups?
You're amazing and these people who hurt you aren't trying to destroy you, Lupita.
They're struggling and suffering and feeling bad about themselves..... they envy you.
God only knows what idiot bad boy's said in class.... it's not YOU that the other guys are reacting to, I promise, when they don't ask you to dance.
He's a bad seed and he's insecure. You one upped him when you didn't come runningafter he snubbed you.
This is payback for not groveling and becoming his sex puppet, blech! In my honest opinion.... it is.
This isn't the end of the world.
You haven't been condemned for life.
People have always been enviouse and insecure.... there will always be those out there that can't help themselves. ::shrug::
The only thing it has to do with you is.... they don't want you to have more than them. They don't want you to have too much.
That much I can assure you of. I'm living it right now. I've lived it my whole life. I've read a book on it and it's not up to society how much we can have!!!!!
Esp the insecure screwed up section of society. Phhht!!!
What the heck are we wasting our time swimming around with those people for anyway?
Well.... we get kind'a lonely and we want to live and be happy and socialize, right?
So.... what can we do differently that builds us up and helps us attain social contacts that are lasting and fulfilling?
::sigh:: I'm still working on that one.
I do have some sturdy folks in my life that are anchors..... mostly elderly women but man do they have experience and they're not threatened or intimidated or out to sink me. THey have my best interest in mind and I touch base with them.... they help keep me centered. I get good feedback and honesty from them, even if we don't always agree.
Maybe you pick from a different pool of people.... add different groups you wouldn't necessarily be around.
Frankly.... I see you volunteering your medical skills somewhere that gets you involved with people who share your interest in that field.
I didn't say go looking for a doctor husband.... but it could happen and you will come into contact with people with similar educations. You see where this is going?
Lupita cannot choose who she is around at work.
SHE CAN CHOOSE WHO SHE'S AROUND AFTER WORK THOUGH.
I don't have any answers, just suggestions that may not be valid for you.
The point is.... this journey IS your life.
There are things around the corner for you, regardless of how you anticipate them.
I would rather picture you happily anticipating bettter things and making moves to find and recieve them.
Picturing you balled up, living in anxiety, fearing attacks and cruelty from those around you is a hard place to live, Lupita.
Are people attacking you? I think some are. Not all. Most certainly have no idea how you're feeling, they're living in their own little private hells trying to feel better,themselves.
Time to find some nice people and let them know how you feel. Share. Cook together and listen to their fears and joys. They have fears too.... dreams.... problems.
Share with them.
As equals.
Other people do it, what do they have over you?
Better tapes playing in their heads?
Some survive far worse childhoods and come out chipper and seemlingly whole.
I attribute some of this to the fact that they're extroverted and focus on whats ahead, not what might otherwise be chasing them their whole lives.... their pasts.
I read a book on it..... ::shaking head:: I digress....
There is no easy path.... it winds and it turns and there are ups and downs and we determine how we travel it, only.
Try not to repeat mistakes.
Reach out to new people and situations.
I really do picture you socializing with people who have similar educational backgrounds.
You aleady reach out to others... at the gym, dance class.... volley ball.
Keep reaching and don't let yourself stay beaten down.
Be upset, be frightened.... process it till you feel better about it then go out and make some different moves.
I used to belong to a book club at my church.
Everyone was elderly and I adored them all. There were doctors and pilots and aging beauty queens who now hob nob with Bishops and travel the world and they enjoyed me and I enjoyed them.... so much wisdom and so much they could have offered if I'd reached out in my pain.
I'm so private. I bet you're pretty private too?
I see places I could have chosen different paths. I miss them now.... I wish I'd shared and brought them on my current journey.
Our habits may be part of what keeps us where we are..... hard to change patterns in thought, word and deed I know.
Something to think about.... making different moves and not fearing or expecting negative things.
Fake feeling worthy, fake happier expectations.... fake feeling fearless..... and eventually.... it's not so unfamiliar anymore. Like a child learning a new bedtime routine.
It's soooo so hard at first.... then it gets better.
::wondering if I typed so much this post won't go through, lol::
-
Dear Lupita,
Butter and that guy's sweat.(Too much information)
Lupita, I think that you CAN learn and grow from this situation IF you process it right..
You have the board to help you change your thought processes.'As a Man thinketh in his heart(mind)-- so is he".
You were programmed horribly from your M. Your story,Lupita, makes me want to kill your mother with my bare hands. I don't think that you have faced that SHE is the "bad" one and not you. That will involve coming out of many layers of denial.(IMO)
However, for the moment,I wanted to give her my take on your present experience. I think that you are experiencing"normal" life power plays( except the boss is extreme).My S (older) who is a manger at a restaurant is always telling me of the drama,power plays, jealousy, pettiness etc between the employees. .
He always discusses strategies with me about HOW to handle it.
I think that you are having "normal" life experiences BUT you are processing them very,very personally.. That is where you start and continue the downward spiral.
I think that the "basic" reason you are hurting so badly is that you do not realize that all people have issues and can be petty to other people(particularly IF they think that someone is vulnerable).
THAT is something that you lose the understanding of when you are abused ,I think. You lose the "power" to protect yourself. IF you don't protect yourself, your life starts going down. There are plenty of bullies just looking for a dainty morsel like you. THAT is life. I JUST learned this. This was the BIGGEST lesson in my whole time on the board. I HAVE TO HAVE MY OWN POWER.
If not, some bully-- somewhere---will eat me. It is a very, very sad part of life. Your M( as mine did) STOLE our ability to protect ourselves. Maybe this is the first step that abusers use to "paralyze" the prey from fighting back.
I think that you will not "get" this lesson, overnight. I am JUST getting it (really RE -learning it)now. There should be a saying,"Your power- Don't leave home without it".
I think that you will need to go through a process like I did to reclaim your "right" to even BE here on this earth and take up "space".Your M so denuded you that you are "prey" for every bully out there. I think that this is what is happening.
I think that until you reclaim your "right" to have your own space in life,it will continue. I think that you just don't know how bad people can REALLY be if they sense that someone is"weak"
This is my experience from facing similar situations and THRIVING.Compost what you don't want .I hate to face these things myself. However, while we are on this earth,I think that we have to face the truth of how it is,here(IMO) in order to have a fruitful life.
Love Ami
-
Hi Lup,
One of the biggest lightbulbs in my life was when I realized:
Not everyone is going to like me.
Sometimes, no matter what I am (or do or say), somebody is not going to like me.
There will always, always be someone who doesn't like me.
And that's okay.
Once I realized that it's okay if not everybody likes me, or even if just a few do, I was okay.
Okay as in, that's too bad, I liked them, but oh well.
Oh well.
Oh well.
Oh well.
When I can react just with an Oh well, I'm okay.
love to you,
Hops
-
Lupita,
I think that I think more like you than not. It is my first knee jerk reaction right now to see rejection in everything. And I don't suppose I am always wrong about it. I do feel like at least some of the rejection is real but sometimes I see black and white where there is lots of gray. Like this vacation I just went on. We made some new friends. They said I was delightful. And then are distant at dinner and avoid us on vacation. At one point, I was pretty low. Then I was informed that they had experienced a miscarriage. I just got a nice email apology explaining the behavior yesterday. And still, even with that enlightenment, I feel the temptation to believe that they really are rejecting me, they just feel guilty and are trying to be nice about it. (Embarrassing that I still think that, huh?)
You have gotton some great advice. Lighter and CB and Hops! What wisdom! I just wanted to add another voice that says, I KNOW how HARD it is. I know how convincing those feelings are. And I know how much it hurts when your feelings are right! I just have to learn to love myself in spite of all of it. Right now, my life is filled with so much rejection too. But I am choosing to see it as a huge opportunity. Life has removed all distractions so I can learn to love and enjoy ME! And interesting people are coming along to help me practice my new skills. It is a difficult, but benevolent thing. And someday, the right people will find me and like my way and laugh at my foibles and enjoy my food when I don't burn it and laugh with me when I do. THEY WILL FIND YOU TOO! Much love, Lupita. ((((((())))))))
-
Is there a survey on Introverts vs Extroverts, population percentages and, more importantly, how many are NICE and how many are naughty, lol?
I know extroverts are more common and life's easier for them.
Did I read that Sociopaths are about 6% of our population?
Who else read the Sociopath next door? Is that right?
I wonder if charming and healthy extroverts are rare, or what?
You see nice people, you see nice marriages, you see nice working relationships.....
they're out there.
Why not for everyone on this board?
Do we keep saying... 'Oh no no no no..... I couldn't possibly' or do they never come our way or do we mistake them for something else.... like overwhelming and suffocating?
Do we have to have a lead dog.... are we capable of being lead dogs?
Could we reach out and select people, instead of waiting for them to find us?
I don't want to have to wait for them to find me, you, axa, anyone, Poppy.
And.... what if they're already there/here... but we (general) can't figure out how to overcome ourselves and let them in.... allow them to give equally? Allow ourselves to receive.
Are we our own road block?
This is rhetorcial but.... something to think about: /
-
1 -- Hell! I am an extrovert and life sure hasn't been easy for me. Life has turned me inward. Forced me out of the main!
2 -- DITTO on the rest of your comments.
-
Is there a survey on Introverts vs Extroverts, population percentages and, more importantly, how many are NICE and how many are naughty, lol?
By the way, I just used a curse word -- which I rarely do. :shock: I guess that makes me NAUGHTY!
-
Well... the "H" word IS in the bible.
I feel much naughtier if I use the words CRAP.....
or.....
dumb ass :shock:
::nod::
God didn't say use those in the bible.... right?
For anyone wondering..... I am joking and I don't believe God wrote the bible.
-
I have a different twist to add to the relationship question.
My inner child book says that we will always be lonely unless we first connect with ourselves. I feel very lonely inside( most of the time). Nothing outside seems to take it away. It can be a distraction ,but not a "filling" of the loneliness. The loneliness does seem internal(after the book mentioned it).
I manage ,sometimes to get myself "connected" to my feelings (inner child) and then I don't feel lonely. So, maybe the book is right.
I think of all the times in my life. The ones that were external like marriage etc made me 'high",but not deeply"happy". I think that I have ONLY been deeply happy when I felt that I "had" myself.
That is where I am going in my next stages of healing.
I am forcing myself to learn from my inner child--- what she feels and how she perceives. I was "forced" to push her down..I kept her down b/c I was taught that my feelings were "bad".
My S(older) and I were discussing this ,yesterday. I told him that I feel so guilty if I have any "bad" feeling like dislike, anger,fear, annoyance etc. he said, "Mom, that is so stupid. Everyone has those feelings. I have them all the time. It is only the "actions" that you "should" feel guilty about(if you DO something wrong).
How did he get so smart and me such an ignoramus-HUH?
My next challenge in the healing process is to have an open and unconditionally loving connection to my inner child Ami
-
Well, just to read your words makes me feel better. Cant believe that so many good friends took the time to dedicate to write, to think, to meditate, to put so many beautiful words, the thought process displayed here by friends is so clear and so clean so intelligent!!!!!!!!
Thank you CB and lighter abd everybody who is helping me. I do not know what to say.
I am being asked by you to do things almost impossible.
I am not hallucinatng, no dilusions, my boss is racist and he showed it very clearly. He wanted to get rid of me and somebody protected me, my ex boss. He was not alone, some people were happy to see me humiliated, why? I dont know. Some were just indifferent observers. They do not care. I was alone, abandoned. That is what hurt. Develop and trggered deep feelings of abandonement and loneliness, "nobody loves me" I am not part fo any group. "family" I do not want to spend thanks giving alone.
Do not tell me to emjoy myu self on thanks giving. I am not willing.
Ami might be right. I cannot endure normal life problems, like hop says, "oh well" I feel threaten of abandonement, fear, stomach ache, nausea, it is like a PTSD, from the emotional war with my mother. It is difficult to trust. After my boss and some people who joined him, i get to school and I start seeing everybody different, I do not know who is for or against, probably indifferent, indifferent is better than against. They are not my enemies, I want to think they are not my enemies, but they have baby showers, they have parties, I am never invited, they chat together, when I appear they stop, they are professional and ask me if I need anything but they do not socialize with me. Other new teachers get friends rapidly, entered this first year and they are already invited to babyshowers, I have more than one year and have not been invited to anything. They reject me, all, that is racial. Oh well, there is nothing I can do about it and as long as they do not poison the kids or give false testimony against me, I ave to do my job and feel happy and go dancing and have fun. I know I have to, I just dont to it. Cant have fun, I wqas having fun for about four months until sexy dancing bad boy. Then new boos a*s hole, then coworkers isolating me, then dance partners use me to practice but not to the dance. I will survive. There is a dance tomorrow.
Let see how I deal with the dance tomorrow. I will find a guy that needs help and entertain my self with that to see if at the mean time I find somebody who desires to dance with me and knows how to dance at my level. It is important to dance at my level because too low is boring and too high is scaring. Too advaced students get bored with me so, it is important to find somebody to dance with that matches your abilities. I will get better, but it will take time.
At the mean time I need to start focusing on my wirk because I am starting to get so abuished that it shows and I missing things, and making mistakes that can get me into trouble, like forgeting documents, grades, and get people mad at me, because I am sepnding too much time in my slef pity party. I know that. I will cry tonight and try to feel better tomorrow. Let us start with affirmations. Today I am going to have a glass of wine, take my anxiety medication and go to sleep.
Thank you God for the friends that talk to me. Thank youboard for being my friends
I wish I can have you in material, in human presence.
Love you.
-
Lupita,
You are so sweet.I wish that I could hug you. Love Ami
-
About boundaries, yesterday I saw with envy how a young lady enforced her boundaries so eacily. Partner dance "A" always pocking me in my back or my arm, it irritates me but I put up with it like for three months until I yelled at him and told him I would slap him and tell the teacher. I saw him doing the same to this young woman, and she very calmly made a grrr sound like a mad dog with her chin up, it looked so superior, so intimidating, that he immediately withdrew his hand from her arm. It took me three months to make him leave me alone. I guess I was not very convencing in my no because eitehr I was sending mixed signals or I was weak or fear of abandonement. Abandonement. That is my constant fear. Where does that come from, my mom. She made me feel very isolated and now I fear isolation although I am always isolated.
-
Dear Lupita,
I am going to "shout here----THIS IS WHAT I MEAN ABOUT POWER. You have to have your own power.
IF you did, many of these situations would not degenerate so badly.I am just trying to help--- . Compost it --if you want Love Ami
-
Holy cheese, Lupita.
Sounds like the guy was acting like some bratty kid brother :?
I'm horrified that you had to scream and theaten to slap him and tell the teacher :shock:
Some folks can't take a hint and tell me please.....
was the young growly woman kidding or seriously acting like a dog about to bite, lol?
That is so interesting to me.....
I can imagine doing it but not seriously.
I can imagine whispering in his ear that I'll do something awful.... like slap him but not yell it out loud.
You have to learn to go right to assertive mode and skip the agonizing.... somehow.
Practice sayings like....
"excuse me but.... when I want your opinion I'll beat it out of you"
or....
"Ummmm..... if you touch me like that again I'll know you want me to hurt you."
and then some lower key ones like....
"I don't like it when you do that.... please stop."
"If I have to ask you to stop doing that again..... I'll ask the teacher to do it."
"No thank you" in a very pleasant manner when sweaty man asks to spread his butter all over you again.
Let's face it.... life's just too short, lol.
-
Thank you everybody for your time and effort to write and give opinion and advise.
I was more assertive today.
Here is the story for today my assertiveness.
There was a woman in my classroom when I got there. She was a substitute for the first period teacher, I start during second since first is my conference/planning time. I offered to help her and she refused. She went to find another teacher to ask for help. When she came back she was still asking something and then I said I have no idea, then she asked me if I had to stay, then I said yes, I have to perpare my lesson. Then she needed more help and I said I so not know, because I was ofended when she refused to use my help first. Later she started messing with my video player which is an important tool to teach forign language and then I said I will help you, please let me help you, I know how to nadle that one. But I overcame my disgust when a student told me that I had his workbook and I told him, no, you have it, then he looked in his bookbag and he found it, then I said, I know my kids. Then she started talking to me, and I told her that I lost weight then we became friends. She was rejecting me first and then we made friends because I did an efort. I grew up a little today.
Second story, studebt "J" who is a jerk, or better said, he is being taught to be a jerk probably at home, he always jusgemental, with his bible in his hands, critizising everybody, but always disrespecting me, he goes to chapel and raises his hands and yelles Jesus jesus, and then he comes with his bible to desrespect me. I told him that his behavior has to be congruent wiht his faith, then he startin being a smart a*s running his mouth of his lose lose situation with me, then I did not angage in a discussion with him, I said, I am not going to discuss with you, the only thing I want from you is to sit down on time and be quiet. Then I proceded to the next activity in my class.
I think I grew up a little today.
I have salsa class tonight. i want to be mature and have fun even if I do hot have partners to dance, I want to be happy and enjoy watching others dance, and learning from others dancing, and have fun.
Pray for me. I wish one of you could come with me to the dance tonight.
Love you.
-
WOW Lupita--- You did such a great job.I am so,so happy to hear your story. WHAT was it that made the difference for you to see and do things so differently?
Love to hear about it. Love Ami
-
Hurray, Lupita!! I do not salsa dance, but I'm doing a little two-step shuffle for you :D
May I say - I want to be able to handle situations just as you did today... I am so impressed!!
Love to you... and keep up the great growing-work,
Carolyn
-
Thank you CH. Thank you for your good wishes.
Well, lastnight I decided to stay for the dance after class, and I knew that I would stay only for a couple of hours maybe one our and a half. No more. If I stay more, then I start being stressed. So, I asked a kid if he could practice with me for one piece and he accepted, he dacnes wonderfully, but he is very advanced, so I do not want to bore him with my intermediate level. But I nejoyed so much dancing with him. Then I made a new girl friend, I said hello to the book club people who go to dance class and dance practice after class, and danced with two classmates and then with my sweat butter firiend who is a wonderful person, just unconsiderate with his sweat. The body should not be in contact, just the hands, so there is no reason for him to apply my arms to his neck, it is mimic, no real touching should be at all. Just hands. But he is so nice, and he asked a very very advanced dancer to dance with me and I had a blast. So, he is a good person.
Anyway, my point is that I had a good time. I was not sitting there waiting to be invited to dance, I was walking around and talking to people and having a good time.
Love to you.
-
Dear Lupita,
Cyber space--- "high fives". You are going so well .I am waiting for the next update . Love Ami
-
Hey Lupita,
I went to bed last night wondering what fun it would be to visit your salsa dancing class. I used to go latin dancing in college. We had a blast. And I remember being snowed by all those "Latin Lovers!" :)
Poppy
-
What a nice day and evening you seemed to have, Lupita.
You changed the way you think about the situations..... bc you couldn't change the situations.
Perfect: )
The saying "Our altitude is determined by our attitude" comes to mind.
-
I wish ti have somebdoy who loves me going with me.
Today I have to go to book club and have to see the b*tches or book club. Only because I have to give some books and CDs back. And will tell them that I am not coming back until after my exam, USMLE Step 3. Which I cannot take until I feel fully prepared and I have money to pay it, seven hundred dolars. I barely have money to pay rent and eat.
So, let us see how can I control my self and how I can prevent them from pushing my bottons.
Love.
-
(((((((((Lupita)))))))))) sending you lots of smiles and trusting that you'll put into practice all of the things you've learned.
Head up, shoulders back... I can just feel how very determined you are and that's awesome!
Love to you,
Carolyn
P.S. what is that USMLE step 3 exam? For teaching?
-
Stupid book club. I just went because I had to give some books and CDs to someone there. "P" wanted to ride with me. I told her that I always drive and she never gave me any help for gasoline. She has never helped. She told me that I had bad memory. That she always helped me. That is what my mother does. My mother always tells me the opposite and denies what happened and she swears that she did and that she can bring eye witnesses. I was so disgusted, so mad at her. When I came back she asked somebody else to ride with. I felt so bad there. I should not go back there. I do not like the books, I do no like the people, tere is no reason for me to go back. Or at least I should give it a break, big break. I totally dislike "P".
Well, then suring the time I was sitting there, I felt bad, rejected, could not be in the place, mentally I was in agony, sufering the deepest rejection, feeling humilliated, I do not know why. I do not want to talk to "P" anymore.
I went then to my Sunday school party. The Sunday school from the church where I attend, had a party today. Very nice people. Smiling, but my stupid boss was there, I had to see him on a Saturday evening and the I have to see him on Sunday morning. Thene everyday at work.
I want to have friends.
I made a new friend in salsa dance. She said that we cn get together during the dances, I like her a lot. Also I got another friend from the gym. She is nice too.
Saturday night I ended up at my house after a roller coaster of emotions. A mountain of solitud.
-
Hello Lupita-
I have a silly foot so I cannot dance well anymore, but I can chair dance and do the merengue in my mind! I hate seeing people that bug me day in and day out during my "free " time, so I think I know how you feel too. Hope you don't have to get too common with the boss next weekend, and can hang out with your new friends instead. As for the book club- ditch those losers, they don't deserve to be in contact with your vibrant spirit. There is a more interesting and harmonious group out there and you will find it if you continue to look.
Lupe, you are doing so much with what you have right now, and that is a rare quality. I am so happy with the way you handle those wackos at work. Hope you get the money that you need for your test soon- I will be praying for you.
Love and Best Wishes for a Happy Week,
Changing
-
Lupita - I tried to post this yesterday afternoon but the site went down. So here is what I tried to write to you.
Lupita - I want to comment on your post about assertiveness at the dance. You express that you are impressed with the woman who growled at the man who does inappropriate poking while dancing with women. You described how you are disappointed witht he way you reacted but I want to encourage you.
You think the other woman handled herself assertively. I suspect that next time you find yourself in a similar circumstance that you could imagine having her assertiveness and drawing a clear boundary quickly. I can imagine you saying to that man something like, "I enjoy dancing with you but I do not like to be poked. Please don't do that again."
The struggle you are describing is a clear boundary problem. What male did you feel you had to accept belittlement from in order to survive? Was it your father? Can you practise in your mind being assertive in this example? I find that if I mentally practise redoing things from the past in a better, assertive way that I am actually learning skills that will help me in the future.
I wish you many dances tonight and the strength and presence to be assertive with partners who cross your boundaries.
your friend - Gaining Strength
-
Thank you dear friends, thank you for your advises and opinions.
Today is Sunday and I feel totally exhasuted. Emotionally exhasuted. I need to forget about my boss, just do a good job, and feel well. He has to leave me alone after so much praising to me from the bulletin (church).
Book club, I need to stop going, I can find another book club with better people. But that has to be after my USMLE Step 3 exam. It is just another failure. Another rejection. Every time I start loving something I get rejected. There must be something I am doing that bothers the lieders of the club when I put so much passion to something. I noticed that when I am indifferent I get more appreication. That is very confusing.
Today I feel lonely, knowing that I am not going back to the book club, I had nightmares, still have to go to church.
God will take care of me.
-
Dear Lupita,
You will heal as you keep facing the truth about how you feel inside. Also,as you face the truth about your mother,you will let the grief and pain out as a result of this relationship.
Under it all is a beautiful person----YOU. She has just been buried under 'garbage". You are lying down under piles of lies about yourself.
All your self hatred is lies. You had to take them on in order to survive living with your mother.
It was a life and death matter for you to"hate" yourself so you could "agree' with your mother . You needed to "agree" with her so you would not lose your mind or even your life( at her hands).
Your only way out is to keep separating the lies from the truth.
You can see that I am a valuable person--- Can't you? Well,it is easy to see it for someone else,but hard to see it for ourselves.
Keep posting your feelings. Gradually,you will reclaim your stolen identity. Love Ami
(((((((((((((((((((((((Lupita))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
-
I hope church goes well again, today.
On the indifference and being appreciated when you act that way.....
there's a power struggle and balance in every relationship.
The one who cares less...... has the power.
I hate game playing but lets face it..... life's full of them.
Best to be aware of them, and not take them personally...... even if you don't play them.
Lots of people had messed up childhoods.
People in book clubs, people at church, people at dance class..... standing in the grocery line you never know what those around you are struggling with.
And I doubt they have any clue as to what struggles you wrestle with: /
Maybe that's why they're so unkind and manipulative.
They just have no clue...... they're trying to feel better too.
You're a good person Lupita.
Rise above..... observe from afar.
Don't let all the bad in...... ask yourself what happened to person A or B that makes them behave that way and be grateful you aren't like them.
Do things daily to build yourself up, even if you don't feel like it.
One good feeling leads to another and soon.... you'll be happy to be alive again.
Joy will land for you and you'll appreciate it soooo much for all these struggles.
Eb and flow..... happiness will come again. Believe that.
-
Lupita - did something happen at the book club beside P?
I have a suggestion - it is a practise that takes time to learn. When you go to something like the Sunday School party and your bos is there, I encourage you to speak to him/her politely but then focus on the people you love being with and develope a capacity to completely forget that your boss is there. The same thing can be done about "P". You definitely don't want to give P rides anymore since P is deceptive.
I encourage you to concentrate, focus on those people you enjoy and begin to learn how to take your focus off those who cause you pain. I know it is not easy but it is a very helpful practise.