Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: tayana on October 07, 2007, 08:04:43 PM
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I'm delurking, because I need to talk and right now there's no one to talk to.
I just can't do this anymore. I thought things were getting better. I really did, but it just seems like I can't get anything accomplished. My house is constantly a mess. My son won't help me out without creating a dozen more messes. I need to fix some supper, but I don't feel like eating. I'll probably end up putting something in the oven that's not healthy, even though one of my goals was for us to eat healthier. School is a nightmare. Homework is a chore to get done. We fight over stupid things. It's becoming very clear to me that I'm not really a patient person, and I don't think I'm doing my son any good. It's just not the same as raising a neurotypical child. The things that work for those kids don't work for my son.
I'm supposed to bake a cake for the bake off at work tomorrow, but I have no energy. I feel sick. I'm tired. M is going to camp tomorrow, but I haven't even started getting his things together, so I'll be doing that at midnight again. Then I have to get up at o-ungodly to take him, because he refused to spend the night and the school made special provisions for him to go just during the day.
I can't get him to eat healthier foods. All he wants to eat is junk. He's supposed to go see a T, but that's not until December, so I don't know what I'm supposed to do until then. I hate nagging, but it seems like that's the only thing that gets anything accomplished. He can't even put his trash in the trash can, no matter if I tell him fifty times he needs to.
I was trying to keep the whole camp thing away from my mom, but he blurted it out yesterday, so she's been going on and on about how unsafe it is and how he'll end up getting molested or lost in the woods. Then she harps on my driving.
I just can't do this anymore. My T would tell me to start thinking about positive things to counter my negative thoughts, but I don't know why. They'll just be back tomorrow, and I'll hate myself just as bad tomorrow as I do right now. I don't see the point in pretending that I'm happy because I'm not. The only thing that's better is that I'm not around my mom all the time anymore.
I don't know what to do because it seems like no matter what I do, it's just not enough, not good enough, and not right. I can't even get things finished at work anymore, and I dread going in because I'm sure my boss is going to ask for something, and I haven't figured out how to do this project he wants me to do because anytime I try, I feel sick.
I feel like such an awful person, and I just wish I could run away.
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Dear Tayana,
EVERY MOTHER IN THE WHOLE WORLD feels like that, OFTEN. Tayana,you are tired. Parenting never, ever ends.It is O.K., YOU are O.K.
I wish that you could get a little break from him,somehow. I always had 'stop gaps" for myself if I was going to 'lose it'. One simple one was a lock on my door.
I had other people in the neigborhood where my kids would go there and their kids would come to my house.
You are just overwhelmed. I think that any mother would tell you that.
Maybe,you can simply lock your door tonight and take a little break.
About food,I am a nutrition nut BUT bad food will not kill them . Kids will survive most things ,such as junk food. Some kids live on it all the time and they survive.
I would decide how I can get by the best I can so I don't kill him before he gets to be 18(that was my motto----lol)
I want them to survive to adulthood.
The main things are honesty and that they know you love them. He has this--it seems.
Also, I would USE the electronic babysitter(TV). I would use movies and video games. They won't kill him. Remember my motto.
IT IS O.K. ,Tayana.He knows that you love him. That will make most other things be just fine Love Ami(sons-- 19 and 21
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Sounds like a Haagen daz night to me: /
So sorry you're having a hard go of it and that your energy is running low to boot.
Happens to me too.... it comes and it goes.
Drink a tall glass of water.....
remember how far you've come and deal with the hard stuff one thing at a time.
Get the stuff packed for camp..... then eat some ice cream.
Think about when you'll seriously approach the healthier eating..... preferably when you aren't struggling terribly with campm, work projects and school.
Also... wait till M has started seeing the T. T can help you get a plan together, figure out incentives and ways to gain his cooperation.
Changing eating patterns isn't something that happens over night.
Like all habits, they're difficult to change so be mindful of the habits you start from here on out and know the struggle to set new habits will be awful so don't start till you have the energy to follow through... then it gets better and things settle back down again.
On that note... my girls started eating baby spinach once I bought some of that Asian Silk Spray on dressing, WISHBONE I think..... I give them each a bottle and they adore it. Things also like to eat things on a stick or tooth pick. As long as they get some protein in...... I don't freak out too much. One eats apples, the other eats unsweetened apple sauce, dried mangos..... trying new stuff and presenting it without pressure works for me. SOMETIMES. So.... if you buy that dressing, or one of the spray on ones, make a big deal of spraying and enjoy it yourself in front of him...... I'm thinking he'll try it. You can't expect to change these habits in a day.... too much pressure.... unrealisitic pressure at that.
Take it easy on yourself, tayana.
Steady and balanced wins the race. Beating yourself up isn't helping anyone.
Don't put too much pressure on yourself all at once.
Stop buying the things you really don't want him to have so you don't have to have that struggle. You can't win when you're tired.... and I know you're tired.
Have healthier choices on hand that aren't so healthy they aren't edible. I made pancakes Sat morning with whole wheat organic flour..... ::gag:: I was trying too hard :shock:
I made toasted cheese samiches and we were much happier.
Do you have a panini maker? MMMMMMmmmmm..... samiches aren't just samiches anymore..... they're warm mama lovin and it's easy and toasty crunchy, all kinds of cheeses and condiments out there.
I like hot pepper jack with mushrooms, turkey and a green tomatoe relish I just found. Pepperocini peppers rock.... the kids like those too.
Smoothies are a great way to get fresh fruit into them without forcing the issue. I can keep a container cold in the fridge all day long and serve out of it. I eat lots of it myself sooooo good.
I guess I'll chat with my friend about no gluten or dairy for M. She's making those choices for one of her sons and it's not as hard as she thought it would be. She says it helps the austism enough that she'll continue.
Not sure what you meant by healthier but..... don't put so much pressure on yourself.
Set a timer for 15 minutes and clean clean clean till it rings then see how you feel about setting it again.
I get so much done when I put time restrictions on myself as compared to just facing 5 messes and stumbling from one to the next with no time limit to push me hard at getting something done.
Like I said.... the T can help you set up incentives and consequences for getting chores done, for M.
You don't have to figure this out all by yourself and all children are different..... kids don't come with instruction books.... you'll figure it out then something else will come along that needs figuring out.
That's the way it is and the important thing is.... you're learning to problem solve and teaching M how to do it too.
Try not to get so frustrated and when you do.... so what? Forgive yourself... it's not the end of the world and you can do better tomorrow or next week.
(((tayana))) Remember.... you're doing amazing things and a messy house isn't the end of the world either.
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Dear Tayana
I could never seem to have a neat house when the kids were little. NOW,I have a neat house. I gave up on a neat house when they were little Love Ami
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((((((((((((((((((((Tayana))))))))))))))))
I haven't been much of anything I respect in myself lately... I am at a point where I am just hanging on. I am not happy, but I know that there HAS to be a light at the end of the tunnel. There IS. I know because at other times in my life when things were really rough, I wrote in a journal or in emails - and months later they seem so trivial almost.
Not that where we are is trivial... But I have to rely on "This Too Shall Pass." It WILL. Hang in there, girl. Do what yu need to do to get through this patch - which means giving yourself a break.
Love, Beth
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Ami
that sounded like a song
I could never seem to have a neat house when the kids were little.
NOW,I have a neat house
I gave up on a neat house when they were little
and now i keep a pet mouse
Tayana
You've heard that there us no such word as can't? Are you in good health, 2 arms, 2 legs, a head, a brain, 2 feet, 2 hands?--If so then the only thing stopping you is your thoughts! Right?
A messy house could be the least of your problems. Maybe you do NOT need son's help if he makes it worse.
just because you do not feel like eating is no reason to not cook dinner for the family. Just make it one portion smaller and go clean some of the house while they are eating.
Do you have to do homework, or do the kids have to do it? You are in charge. Tell them to get to it!! OOOPS son has a problem? --different story! why not mention?
Who is M? mother?
There is absolutelunothing in your message than cannot be done as long as you are in physical condition first of all to get that part done, then next you stop everyone from walking all over you! Piece of cake? NO! but there's an answer if you take a moment, maybe on the can,to think!
Good Luck
Izzy
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Dear Tanaya,
From the outside, it really does sound the usual life of a parent (or at least the parents know!) I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of at all. Its obvious, even from reading one post, that you only have so much time and energy in the day, so it seems perfectly natural that you wouldn't keep the place running like a display home. Its actually very stressful being a super-neat person. So much energy goes into it, and then theres the added pressure of running around feeling angry when people mess it up.
Tanaya, may I ask, do you sometimes feel as though you're trying to live up to your mother's standards, or some ideal of perfection? Have you considered that it may be unrealistic? Mothers from previous generations had different lives to us. They often did not have the same breath of responsibilities either. Perhaps this expectation is partially why you feel so bad about things? Its just a thought.
X Bella
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(((((((((Tayana)))))))) You deserve to live without fear of havin somebody pop in to do a white-glove-test on your life.
Boot your mother out of your head and you'll feel so refreshed you won't know what hit you!
Love to you,
Carolyn
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Tayana...... we feel better, more like successes when our space is clean, I understand.
Our attitudes improve, we enjoy life more just because the neat space is there. I understand that when so many things are out of control, and you're overwhelmed, that that's a place you really feel the need to control and keep under control.
It's familiar and do'able, right?
Well.... not always.
You have to prioritize and rest is one of those things you need just as much, if not more.
10 minute pickup then stop worrying about it!
Engage your son.
Be present with him in the moment, for 15 very mindful minutes in the day and see if that doesn't help him stay on track and cooperate. Make up songs for cleaning up and using the trash can and help him do it.... don't just ask him to. Maybe at some point, you can ask by singing the song and smiling his way..... I don't know. I do know that what you're doing isn't working so..... take a step back and breath.
Make little changes that could add up. Remember to enjoy your son, even when you're struggling. He'll be 18 before you know it. Walk away and be mad.... breath then go back and do something different.
Get the priorities done with him..... but try doing it differently.
Sometimes I just chuck the routine and pull something out of the air and thats what we do.
I hate feeling stuck, but I get stuck.
You're stuck.
Crazy idea #1
Make a game out of shooting trash into the garbage can..... name the thing "stinky" and record how many times you and M can shoot a proper basket. Offer insentives for getting so many baskets. Take notice of his attempts and praise his efforts.
Shoot and make it fun yourself.
Make picking up and using trash can the NEW THING you work on for a week, without worrying about food choices.
Or not; )
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It is crazy the amount of guilt a frozen pizza and a messy house can produce!! Isn't it??? My house couldn't stay clean if my life depended on it! I tell my H when he gets home from work, "The house WAS sparkling clean at about 1:30pm. Sorry you missed it." And then we laugh while we pick up socks and half-eaten gogurts.
It is hard when all the stuff that isn't going right seems to outweigh the stuff that is. " Lighten Up!" by Chieko Okazaki is one of my favorite mothering books. In it she challenges women to have less guilt and more joy! I think these are the challenge moments aren't they? To concentrate on what we CAN do, what IS going well, and what we are grateful for.
So what if you pack at midnight? Who cares? So what if today isn't the start day of the healthy food revolution. Sometimes when my son (adhd and very combative) won't follow directions and I feel that I am losing my patience, I change up my expectations. Instead of saying, Why can't you just clean your ROOM? I say, Oh, today is NO CLEANING DAY. Didn't I tell you? Or Today was the day I was going to help you. It changes my perspective and my expectations. And more importantly, it changes my energy. I save the important lessons for the days when my tank is full and I can handle the backlash with love. I am kinder to my oh so impatient self and I am kinder to him. He sees my smile instead of my disapproval. And we both feel better and we get through it.
My heart is with you. Perfection is overrated!! Love grows best in messy houses! And don't sweat the small stuff!
Poppy
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Hi tayana,
Elvis says:
Ambition is a dream with a V8 engine.”
It way your V8 engine that got you out on your own. It will get you through this too. Hang in there girl!
tt
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Boot your mother out of your head and you'll feel so refreshed you won't know what hit you!
Love to you, Carolyn
Now in my opinion that is the only mandatory housecleaning you need to do! ((((tayana)))) I hate how they give their opinions and throw a bunch of fear and horror around and then leave. What is that saying - oh yes here it is "Chaos, Panic and Disorder! I see my work here is done." That's your mom - as soon as you mentioned she was over 'sharing' her 'POV' - well!
Here is what you should get your mom for xmas this year: http://www.cafepress.com/jerseywolfpro.27659816
Soooo true although I would change it to "Mayhem, Fear and Destruction" :twisted:
Our house is a mess basically since I hit the 3rd trimester and probably for the next 18 years at least. I love Poppy's "You should have seen how clean" - heh heh! I'm going to use that iffen you don't mind Ms. Poppy.
I would highly highly recommend buying a cake unless this is some sort of contest - not familiar with bake offs. Baking a cake - such a nice concept - very Martha Stewart - who has a large staff and probably sits around and thinks about cakes and then someone else bakes it. Buying a cake on the way in - such a lovely reality.
We had a rough 24 hours around here too - mainly cranky baby won't sleep cranky mommy wants to sleep! - not as difficult by any means as you are going through but oh my god such a relief to read this topic and definitely I want to adopt Ami's motto - Live to Adulthood - that's the plan. Hopefully so will we!
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Dear tayana,
Quote from: Certain Hope on Today at 09:23:34 PM
Boot your mother out of your head and you'll feel so refreshed you won't know what hit you!
Love to you, Carolyn
Quote from: Iphi,Now in my opinion that is the only mandatory housecleaning you need to do! ((((tayana)))) I hate how they give their opinions and throw a bunch of fear and horror around and then leave. What is that saying - oh yes here it is "Chaos, Panic and Disorder! I see my work here is done." That's your mom - as soon as you mentioned she was over 'sharing' her 'POV' - well!
Iphi & Carolyn...GOOD advice.
tt
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I'm a little better now. . . camp stuff is packed, cake is baked and iced, kid is in bed, and the living room is sort of picked up, kitchen is cleaned up, laundry is done. I even got my bed changed. How I do all of this, I don't know.
I shucked cooking supper in favor of burgers from a local place. Really bad for us, but it was quick and easy. We ate and watched The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, which for a cartoon, is marginally funny.
M and I packed up the camp things and went over how to use everything and where it is in the bag. We remembered to pack a change of clothes and a plastic bag, even though M is only staying during the day, just in case he gets wet. We also remembered a book and a sketchpad for those "rest periods" listed on my schedule.
The cake is for a contest at work. When I entered, I was in a much more "up" mood and feeling pretty good about myself. I really hate weekends.
I got M in bed without too much fuss, although much later than I intended. I am still up because now I'm too awake to go to bed.
Thanks to everyone who replied. It did help. For those who offered suggestions about how to get M (my son) to help clean up, I have tried reward systems, bribes, punishments, threats, games, songs, timers, races. He has issues with executive function, so for instance, I ask him to take his towel and hang it in the bathroom. He picks up the towel, starts down the hall, drops the towel in his room because he suddenly remembered that he was working on something, forgets to hang it up. I come by, see the towel, ask him to hang it up again. He takes it into the bathroom, lays it on the counter, brushes his teeth and forgets the towel again. That's why cleanup is such a chore. We have the same issue with homework and pretty much anything else he considers "boring." It's a typical aspie trait. I'm working on it, but suggestions are welcome. I've managed to get the homework one working pretty well, as long as the homework comes home.
I'm having problems with anxiety, and I think there are some others who are as well, I've been doing some reading, and I found this site:
http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Anxiety/treatment/coping_statements.asp (http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Anxiety/treatment/coping_statements.asp)
I did manage to calm myself down with a couple of those statements. I'm considering changing T's, since my current one is focusing on my situation and my low level depression and not the issue I'm having we anxiety and panic attacks.
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Wow.... you're so capable I feel intimdated, lol.
I would have bought a cake then doctored it up to LOOK home baked; )
I also deal with executive function problems...... so I really feel for M.
That's why the timer works for me so well.
I know you're a good mama..... I know you try and try..... I also think that if I got points/lattes/coffee ice cream for putting stuff in the trash can I might pick up more often; )
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(((((((((((((((((Tayana)))))))))))))))
Remeber - Progress NOT Perfection. You HAVE moved forward. You are doing better. It's just hard during the slow times. My kids do the same thing - but I think the fact that you are a single mom makes it especially hard.
You are doing a great job- all around.
And the less you deal with your mom, the better, I fully agree.
Love, Beth
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Dear Hero Tayana,
Yo' Mama is toxic and loves to undermine you.
She just loves to do that.
Oooo, it makes her feel good.
Yep. That's what she loves to do.
Given the opportunity...
Don't copy her and undermine yourself.
You're doing a heroic job. Heroic does not equal perfect.
love
Hops
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Wow.... you're so capable I feel intimdated, lol.
Lighter . . . I don't know how I do it, really I don't. My T says no one wants my schedule, and I don't think anyone does, including me.
Beth and Hops, you're right, of course. My bad reaction may have been from seeing my mom twice this weekend. Then she had the nerve to call last night to find out how my cake turned out, even though I hadn't even baked it yet. I was shocked that she didn't call this morning before I left.
M has been delivered to camp. He was very excited, and when I left, he was helping out in the dining hall. I really am hoping he decides to spend the night after all. He might not, but we'll see. Of course, I got a check up call right when I got to work this morning to find out about my cake and camp, and then my mother complained about all of her health problems. I got her off the phone with I'm at work, gotta go.
I'm totally exhausted though. I've had 3 hours of sleep, spent two hours driving this morning, and at some point, I'm going to crash today.
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You deserve some down time.
Taking it's how you recharge your batteries to get back up and do it again.
I'm really distressed that you're still having so much contact with your Mum.
Good job getting off the phone with her today though.
Remember the non whatever that thingy is where you just babble by her talking about nothing...
"Oh really mom? My cake's green and 6 layers high.... I'm so happy with it, gotta go"
"is that so mom? Well, I have this lovely Mexican bean salad for lunch.... must fly"
just keep moving and don't let her mesmerize you with her isanity on the phone. Busy busy busy, chipper and kind but always getting off the phone.
Or better yet... just not picking it up when it's her.
I like to be prepared for those kinds of calls and initiate them if at all possible when I have to have them.
M is enjoying camp.... that's a big relief.....::crossing fingers he stays the night::
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I thought I would do a little update . . .
M really had a good time at camp yesterday. He sort of wanted to stay the night tonight, but he didn't tell me last night, and I wasn't going to rush about at 6 in the morning to get his things together. His exact words were that he had a blast, and it was awesome, even though he was really, really tired. He said it was just fun, fun, fun all day long. Great huh?
He called his grandma to tell her about and then she balled me out because he wanted to spend the night, and I had to listen to a long speech about child molestors, and how he shouldn't have a teenage camp counselor in his cabin because he'll probably do something to M in his sleep if he decided to spend the night. (Even worse, she said something similar to M while on the phone with him.) Then she gave me a whole lecture about how the public school shouldn't be opening themselves up for a lawsuit like this.
I distinctly remember going to camp twice when I was younger, although I think I only went for a couple of days, not a whole week. No one said anything then. Granted I was a little older, but still . . .
I couldn't get her off the phone, and she just kept calling me. She called before I ever got home because I stopped to pick up some dinner. I had a headache, and I was tired and didn't feel like cooking.
M is not staying the night tonight, although I'm picking him up much later so he can enjoy the evening activities. He seems to being doing well with the other kids. The teachers said he was doing a good job of "blending in" (m's words).
Overall, it seems to be a very positive experience, and I haven't had much of a problem getting him up in the morning.
I'm working on countering my negative thoughts . . . see post here:
http://tayana.blogspot.com/2007/10/countering-negativity-pt-1.html (http://tayana.blogspot.com/2007/10/countering-negativity-pt-1.html)
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Sounds like you are doing everything right for your son. You have weighed the options and listened to yours son and his needs. Your grandmothers voice....does this make you feel like a bad parent? Is there a way you could characterize her voice as "noise" and simply trust yourself rather than listen to an opinion that is irrational or unbalanced???
You don't have to listen to the speech. You don't have to hear her questioning of your decisions. You know better than she does. Mother's know!! Don't answer the phone or change the subject. I don't know.....suddenly need to go the bathroom. Maybe you could talk to her only until she criticizes you and then you retract your listening. Firmly. Not without love and patience. But without giving in. Maybe over time she will learn not to open with this kind of criticism. This has worked with my own mother. She knows where the lines are now and she doesn't cross them. We are doing a lot better and I enjoy her more.
Just ideas........
Love Poppy
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The last paragraph of your entry reminded me of the times both my H's used to say.....
"All I ask is for you to do this ONE thing.... and then things would be OK."
It was always BS, always not good enough and sometimes I got in trouble for doing a much better job than asked to do!!!
Perfection isn't just a myth and overrated...... it's what people use to whip each other with.... and themselves.
I need to get myself another hobby....::sigh:: I think I'll choose being overtly kind to myself, and drop the thoughts about what I "should" be doing perfectly, as well.
Thanks for that very interesting post, tayana.
You are a gifted writer and have broken down your thoughts into bite sized, easily digested capsules.
I think the anxiety attacks and extreme frustration, that sometimes catch us....leave behind clarity and strength when they've gone.
M's enjoyment at camp... the socializing and feeling successful?
Whoo hoo! You're a very good mama, tay: )
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SO happy M loves camp, Tayana!
Hope he's spending the night soon and you're enjoying serene mornings.
Hope you don't mind me mentioning it again, but I do think you have
a challenge with telephone training.
The phone has you trained to believe you have no choice in answering.
Your mother has you trained to believe you have no choice in accepting whatever accusatory garbage she feels like pouring into your ears.
This is a boundary around your sacred space, your home. And your sacred serenity, your ears.
You are the only gatekeeper who can make this change.
Not her behavior. Your submissive response to her calls. I hope soon you'll be able to say (many times until it sticks): I have started to realize that listening to you say alarming and critical things about my parenting decisions is unhealthy for M and me. So I'm letting you know that I will be hanging up the phone. I will say something like, Sorry, this is not healthy for me, Goodbye for now. I will do that every time you criticize or undermine me, until we get into a new pattern. And I will not respond to non-emergency calls at work. It's disrespectful of my time and of my employer. Thanks for understanding.
(As if...). But whether she understood or not, she will have no choice when she is dealt with as though she were an accountable adult rather than a bullying child.
Just my hope for you, Tay...ignore the script if it makes no sense.
Love to you and M,
Hops
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WOW Tayana
That is such great news. I bet he is doing better b/c living with you is giving him confidence.
WAY to Go.. High Five. Love Ami
PS You have made so much progress form yours( and mine) first days on the board.. I agree with Hops. Your only real problem is not enough assertiveness with your M.