Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: alone48 on October 15, 2007, 01:01:25 AM
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I had gone a month with no contact and then he called wanting to know if I was alright. I emailed him back and said I was fine but didn't feel that I could talk with him at this time. He became enraged and contacted my ex boss with all kinds of lies and basically shredded my character. He didn't know that I don't work there anymore. I won't to deal with this, but am more afraid of him than anger at this point. It seems like no matter what I do it makes him angry. I know he hates women, but I seem to be the target for all of it. Advice?
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just go with your gut. good luck. this is a scary one to give advice on because it sounds like you could be in danger. just be careful. use your wits and be safe.
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Dear alone48,
My only advice would be not to respond to any of his messages, and especially do not call him now that he's tried to discredit you with your old boss. Ami has a good term for what happened here: She told me recently that `boundaries to an N are like waving a red flag in front of a bull'. This is basically what's happened; you've asserted a boundary with an N, and its enraged him.
No matter what he says or does, his only goal is to hook you back in to the abuse.
Please just remember, he is an N and what he wants from you is NS. If you do not give him any response whatsoever, he will go away.
Hugs to you. I know, it totally sux. It was so awful what he did to you:(
X Bella
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I don't know your full story, but I do know about N's and cutting supply. (Unfortunately :( ). As others have said, you need to stay strong, in any way you can, and maintain the no contact. It is hard, and I can almost promise you that his demands will escalate. This is the hardest part. MAke sure you are safe above all else, don't listen to anything he says. I found it very helpful to have one sentence that I used if contact was unavoidable " No comment" or something similar that doesn't give much opening for a reply.
It will get worse before it gets better as he does everything he can to get you back (I had late night phone calls of vitriolic abuse, followed by flowers and chocolates outside my door every time I opened it). The only thing that works in this situation at all is to be consistent. No matter how hard it is, no matter how much he begs or rages, just keep consistent. A very effective tool is to show no emotion. This is the hardest piece of acting you will have to do, but it is really good at helping to cut ties. I think it is because they feed off your emotions, that is what makes them tick - your emotional state. Just pretend as hard as you can.
I learnt this the hard way. I tried so hard to cut contact (although, I was pregnant with his child which did complicate things. Again, I don't know your story, so forgive me if I am being assumptive ;) ) but would fail. Looking back, the times I tended to fail were times where he played on my emotions. "Think of the baby, we need to be friends. I won't ask any more than that. Just friends" or something similar. There will be a weak point for you too, try and identify it before the N does and be prepared for it. Either that or the rages would get to me and I would cave in for a quiet life. As soon as I did, the boundaries would be pushed and broken and the whole cycle would start again. Contact always makes it all worse. The N cannot accept that you don't want him, he cannot accept you are seperate from him, and he cannot accept that you know what you are doing. These are all challenges to him.
Be as strong as you can. Find ways to avoid answering emails. This is all so much harder than it sounds, I know this - I am not going to judge you for anything you do, I am just trying to offer advice from this side of ending a relationship (3 long, long, long years ago). Remember that to an N a brief email is anything but. Anything from you at all is supply and he will work on it. There is nothing to fear from not answering, as long as you are safe.
I feel so much for what you have to go through. It was (and still is ) the hardest thing I have had to go through so don't berate yourself for any mistakes you think you've made. I think as N victims we have got very used to the mentality that it "must be our fault" that it is hard to shake that. You are a person in your own right, you can make decisions and you can make the best decisions for yourself.
I hope this helps. One day this will be less than it is now, just keep safe and be strong. I will be thinking of you. :)
Cadbury
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Obviously, telling him you're going to protect yourself and limit contact isn't working.
Maybe you could try not answering his e mails, his phone calls, mail or any other form of contact.... like opening the door or cracking the window if he comes by.
Just pretend he's not there.
Not a word.
Silence.....
quiet.
Shhhhhhhh......
The stats show that it takes 6 weeks of no contact, with a stalker, to stop their stalking.
Maybe this will help you?
Not sure, but stay safe and try not to let him rattle you so badly that you look like the unstable one, and he looks like the good citizen trying to protect Metropolis.
Eventually, their lies catch up..... you just have to hold strong and sit with the feelings till they pass.
I know it's difficult. Sometimes near impossible. Good luck.
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Cadbury,
Evidence of your strength, I am awed. So much you learned and so painfully, and here you give it to someone new. I can't think of a better reason to be a human being. So glad you're back.
Dear A48,
I hope you'll be helped by Cadbury's amazing post.
I want to add just this, which is akin to people feeling obligated to answer the phone (a device, not a relationship):
Block Sender (Do you think this would help you avoid the pitfall of responding to an email?)
Caller ID or better if available, Caller Blocking (I believe this feature prevents you from even seeing an attempt to call)
These steps are literal boundaries that for some reason, we find hard to set in place. (I think the culture's got us convinced that an open port to us is something others are entitled to. They're not. Or at least, imo, Ns are not.)
love
Hops
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Thank you Hopalong :)
I think physical boundaries (caller ID, call barring etc) are a fantastic idea. It took me a long time to block my ex on Yahoo, but once I had it helped me not having to even see his messages pop up.
Love to all
Cadbury :)
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Dear Alone,
You got wonderful advice. I just want to say that I am her and I care. Love Ami
(((((((((((((((((((((Alone)))))))))))))))))))))))
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From the queen of No Contact, which I broke last night but was able to handle it and got something out of it, it really does work. Keep posting on the board here. It took me a long time to get into my head it was what needed doing and it helped me see the reality of what was going on. I am sorry that you are fearful of your X and do agree with what everyone else said about blocking stuff. It does help distance things.
thinking of you,
axa
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hi alone48
I cannot improve on Cadbury's post followed by Hops'
but I will repeat that, for me , NO Contact played the largest part in the healing process.
Welcome and good healing to you.
Izzy
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Thank you all for your support and suggestions. I agree "NO CONTACT" is the only way, he just seems to be trying to force the issue. Its funny, because he really doesn't want me and has made it obvious to everyone he speaks to that I am the desperate one, he just wnated to be my friend. I think the fact that I was leaving him alone was the straw that broke that ......! I have actually been staying in my house almost 24/7 to avoid contact with anyone.
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Alone48
Trying to make sense of his behaviour will just wreck your head. There is little logic to their behaviour other than supply for them. As soon as he finds another source of supply he will leave you alone but until then stay safe and NC
axa
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Thank you all for your support and suggestions. I agree "NO CONTACT" is the only way, he just seems to be trying to force the issue. Its funny, because he really doesn't want me and has made it obvious to everyone he speaks to that I am the desperate one, he just wnated to be my friend. I think the fact that I was leaving him alone was the straw that broke that ......! I have actually been staying in my house almost 24/7 to avoid contact with anyone.
Dear Alone,
It is so hard to be where you are right now; I think this is the hardest phase of all for victims of N abuse. Its where you feel unwanted and rejected, and yet the N keeps on pursuing your `friendship' almost to the point of obsession, which totally confuses things. Its so tempting to accept his offer of so-called friendship, because it somehow alleviates the pain of rejection, loneliness, and abuse, and whatever else you feel.
But thats how the cycle begins again with an N, which can be more of a self-esteem destroyer than the relationship itself. He doesn't want to be your friend, please remember that. He just wants the abuse to continue, because he got off on that. The other reason he wants to call it `friendship' is so he can abuse you on the side, whilst having the freedom to chase other unsuspecting women who are not wise to him (yet). Friends don't abuse you, and this guy can never be your friend.
Please know, alone, this is as hard as it gets. If you make a commitment to No Contact, it gets so much better. Its like the dark before the dawn. But the commitment really needs to be there, especially when you are vulnerable. You need to have faith that things will get better, at a time when you probably feel the least hopeful.
So many of us have been where you are Alone, and we understand:)
hugs to you,
X Bella
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Luckily he really doesn't want to resume a friendship, it has definetly gone beyond that. What he wants now is to destroy me. He never wanted me the way I wanted him, but the fact I'm leaving is enraging him. Everyday something new happens that seems to make it worse. The no contact part is easy because I'm more afraid of him than anything right now, there is no communication between us at all. He truly hated his sister(he lost out on an inheiritance), but when we started doing things it took his mind off it somewhat, now I believe that hate is also directed at me. He has used me to try and get help with his court battle against his sister and he thinks I let him down since he lost. So many issues and I can't believe I got caught up in this mess. I don't think my life will ever be mine again.
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hi alone
Your life will be yours! It is right now, as long as you get rid of all the toxicity from the N.
Ns do not like to be 'left behind' because that means they have lost control ---which for you means you have gained control.
Good for you on No Contact--- (http://www.slrkelowna.ca/jumpnbug.gif)-- and Wowee he lost out on an inheritance. Nice to see them suffer!
Your life is Yours, whatever you want it to be, but I truly think if anyone had been involved with an N, life will never again be as it was before the N.
The N here, who I left 5 years ago, never had it so good business-wise and making money, as he did when I was with him, and now he is without his business and renting rooms to keep going.
The thing is, I don't think he knows he has to pay taxes on Rental Income! Sheesh and I had the Gov't callin' me about the business!!
Good Luck
You will do fine!
xx
Izzy
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Dear Alone,
I know; its so frustrating having to go to such lengths to get rid of these kinds of people and reclaim your life. You can do it, but its just really hard, and it can take a lot of time to get to the `uncontactable' stage.
For me it started with changing my phone numbers, then changing jobs (which took ages), and finally moving house. All of this took longer than 18 months, but I finally got there, and it was a huge weight off! The hardest part, though, is that I'd had a life with my ex, and I was very close to his family and some of his friends. I really wanted to stay close to them, but I had to let it all go, because so long I stayed in contact with them, he was able to find out information about me, and it just fueled his obsession with harming me.
Its really like being reborn, though. You can do it too, Alone!
X bella