Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: reallyME on October 15, 2007, 08:42:16 AM
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As I was sitting here this morning, reading through one of the threads...the only one I even read anymore, about songs that describe the N's and dysfunctional people in our lives, a thought occurred to me.
I am BORED
I have learned that my entire life has been characterized by me going from chaos to crisis to mishap to addiction and back to crisis again. The saying "never a dull moment" could be said about me very easily. If there wasn't someone I was hanging around creating the stress, it was me creating it for myself.
One relationship resulted in my being excommunicated from a church. The next one involved my getting too close with someone who constantly wanted to push me away, and in the end, succeeded. After that, was a relationship with a person who had deep emotional issues, and then there were friends who were addicted to smoking, drugs, alcohol.
Notice one similarity here? All these people had a need to caretake or be taken care of in some way. I learned at childhood, to be someone who was useful for "fixing" others. If there wasn't something going on that needed my assistance or someone who needed my help, I felt useless, bored, sometimes physically and psychologically ill.
What I've been working on lately, is learning to feel "ok" with not having to help someone, fix something, remedy any situations, have answers for anyone. It's been rough, but I tend to be an excitementaholic, and breaking that 30 yr old habit, is so far from easy!
Anyone else?
~Laura
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Laura,
I have had that pattern in the past also and maybe still have some of it, not sure. It is so hard to break. I think that my moving house and starting my course was a healthy way of my catering for my need for excitement. I am benefiting from this move and it does not involve anyone else.
I appreciate your honesty. I think CBs post was very interesting about looking at what we are getting out of each encounter, checking the reality, who is it about, what does it do to you etc
Well done for naming it Laura
axa
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Hi Laura!
Gotta run but bravo to you. How clear and helpful this is.
I think your own stifled creativity is the engine for all this.
I think you're quite brilliant and have some kind of art buried in you.
(Course, I think that of just about everybody. I really do.
I was a poet in the schools for 4 years and there was No Child who couldn't do it.)
It's only as adults that we decide: "I can't..."
draw
write
paint
dance
scultp
act
sing
collage
pot
sketch
weave
sew
compose
What have I left out? Which is yours, RM? Which do you want to try?
Love,
Hops
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Wow.... I know exactly what you mean! I am working so hard to smother that excitementaholic nature of my own. I find that nothing can be just straightforward to me, I am either looking for the challenge, looking for the pain or trying to fix someone who is hurting. I am not important in any of this.... I think that is my trouble. I am not saying it is yours too, but I have often thought that the fact that I care so little for myself means I get little enjoyment out of just "being me" and so I constantly look for some way to alleviate that. Hence the constant craving for "drama". I don't do this consciously, it is very much something I am just coming torealise, and now I do actively look for it and try to contain it or undersatnd it in some way. I need to love me is the bottom line, and I (sadly) cannot see that happening for a very long time yet. Small steps ....
Your post really resonated with me, thank you for writing it :)
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Dear Laura,
This thread shows great insight and self awareness.You have weathered many storms and now are finding your "port".
You are helping all of us with a thread like this. Thank you,Laura.
I read ,in a book on codependence. that we are like umbilical cords going around looking for a place to "plug in". I did not understand what the person was talking about.Now,I do.
Often ,I will feel like I am a huge empty "hole" waiting for "something" to fill it. What I am waiting for,I don't know but,I am "waiting". I feel like I am always in "waiting' mode.
I have been facing this lately--- this waiting mode.
. I think that our needing a "crisis" is b/c we are false selves. The false self is numb,so a crisis makes it come alive. The real self is already alive .The real self has passion and enjoyment in simple everyday things.
I have been a real self before and I did have passion and joy in simple things so I know that it can be done.
I think that what we want is 'ourselves" back. We are searching outside ourselves for what is inside. That is why it NEVER works.
I think that Hops had a key.Part of it is connecting to a creative "passion'. When I am playing the piano,guitar ,studying Spanish or doing art---I am transported to an exciting place.
This is one key in the puzzle..T the other,I think, is to connect with the childlike feelings that are still within us(wonder, joy, simple heart connections, giving to others, fun, laughing, ).
I am going think some more on your topic.Laura, and get back later. Thanks again. Love Ami
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A moment of clarity.....
for Laura.
Time to figure out the scope of what you're dealing with? Sounds like you're on your way to changing negative patterns and impacting your life positively, to me.
I'd make a list of pro's and con's..... how these habits have impacted your life.....
possible ways to address and replace negative habits.
Something concrete you can pick up and read when you're experiencing turmoil and confusion.....
you can pick something from your list.....
and just do without having to think.
Example:
Today..... I'm not going to engage with person A about their problems and drama.
Instead I'm going to:
Organize and edit my closet
Edit the children's closets
Start a project that inspires my creativity and stick with it, an hour a day, no matter what
Clean and detail my car
Get all my bills on the computer for easy access and payment
Start walking an hour a day
Clean an area of the house and organize it till it feels sacred and welcoming
Take down all the window coverings and clean them.... clean windows
Pray for guidance and think about what you want for yourself in your life
Mindfully consider what you will say yes to, each day
Mindfully consider what you will say no to, each day
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It's only as adults that we decide: "I can't..."
draw- I can do this very well. I do portraits from time to time actually.
write- I am an avid writer, and currently praying about working on a book about Narcissism and the Bible.
paint- I used to paint and sell woodcrafts for home decor.
dance- I was a ballerina for years, and have interest in learning pop and hip-hop dances
scultp- I did this back in grammar school and high school. I love making snow sculptures in the Winter.
act- Played lead role of Ann Gilbreth in "Cheaper By the Dozen", role of Belle in "A Christmas Carol", tried out of "Noah"
sing- I LOVE singing Christian songs but sometimes will play around with some secular ones as well.
collage- no thanks...this is more my daughter's thing...scrap booking, collage...I did make a few in my time though.
pot- as in smokin or pottery? Done pottery and enjoy it but don't own a kiln.
sketch- portraits
weave - does crocheting count?
sew- it is something I plan to learn before my appt with eternity
compose- I have written a few songs.
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Well, dang, Laura, that didn't work...
unless you're ready to take up sewin'? :)
hugs,
Hops
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A dear friend wrote me a PM about codependency. I was "shocked" to see how insidious it is.
I am so pervaded by it that I didn't even have enough detachment to see.
Now,I see that my life is "blah" when I NEED other people to "tell me who I am." It is stressful.It is a "drag".
The joy in life is having your "real" self. Our authentic self is all the things we want to be. However, we are too afraid to let it out for fear of disapproval.It is a strange thing b/c we would feel so much better( and actually be MORE loved) if we WERE our authentic selves.
I am on the path to relieve myself of the burden of codependency. I am on the quest to live life as my authentic self( if I can find it) . Love Ami
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lol,
At least you have full life, Laura! I know what you mean though; I tend to look for distractions in the form of difficult people too, sometimes. But I actually have a whole repertoire of distractions, not just people, lol. I try not to judge myself harshly when I find myself in `distraction mode', but I like to at least work out why I'm doing it and if the distraction is harming me (or others). Its usually because there is a deeper challenge in my life, that I do not know how to solve yet. Maybe the distractions fill in time, and alleviate the `anxiety' of the deeper problem?
When I got involved with 2 N's, in succession, the `deeper problem' I was experiencing revolved around career uncertainty and financial problems, and also grief revolving losing my long term partner to another woman....all problems that had no quick fix, and left me feeling heart-broken.
It was probably no coincidence that the first N I dated was well off and much older than me. I completely lost myself in the troubling nature of that relationship, and stopped thinking about all the big problems in my life that I could not solve.
That would be an example of what I'd call a `harmful' distraction, but the biggest problem with it, i feel, is that I was unconscious of what I was doing, or why.
I do use the internet as a distraction too sometimes, so I can relate to what you say about voiceless filling a need for you (but failing right now, due to being quiet and undramatic).
Anyway thanks for this post; is very pround!
X Bella
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CB, interesting thought there, but I'm a risk-taker, not a life-risker, so I think I'll pass on hangliding, parachuting, deep-sea diving for a while...maybe longer.
~Laura
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CB
We were raised to be hyper-responsible and there is an adventurous soul inside that rebels and picks a bad-boy to live through vicariously.
That is my thought of the day. It had never, ever occurred to me that I was doing that. It makes such perfect sense.... Thank you :)
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Hi Laura,
I can identify alot with what you've written here... at least to the extent of a lifetime's focus directed outward, toward others, looking to connection with them for satisfaction and fulfillment. It is very difficult for me, too... to not be actively engaged in doing and fixing. But especially now I see the very real danger - in the course of seeking to recover from that unhealthy position - of getting so bogged down in self-concern that we ring the bell on the narciss-o-meter.
At this point, I could easily don my "I Don't Do Drama" t-shirt and contentently, joyfully waltz off into the sunset without a care in the world... but as you've said - I, too, am a minister. I've never said that aloud before, but the fact is, I believe that every single twice-born believer in Jesus has a ministry to fulfill... in the role of servant - which is, after all, what a minister is. There's nothing glorious about servanthood... but there's no end to the excitement of eagerly beholding Christ's glory and allow the Lord to use us to reflect Himself. After all, what could be more exciting than turning each new day over to Him and watching expectantly to see what He will do?
So for me, I can see that my own personal answer is to go vertical, not horizontal (which includes looking inwardly) for the excitement/solution/goal/enjoyment/actualization/fill-in-the-blank.
And thanks for this morning's inspiration... you really got me thinking in a good direction here and now I feel like I can face whatever today brings :)
Hugs and love,
Carolyn
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Laura,
I wonder if, instead of trying to sit on your need for drama, you could capitalize on it. Kinda like Hops suggested--only maybe with a twist. Could you do anything with an element of risk in it? Maybe painting a picture won't give you the jolt that you need.
This probably sounds counter-intuitive when the drama that you have gotten involved in has always backfired on you. But if you were to do something that gave you the same high, but was not emotionally devastating, maybe it would be healing. Do you have any secret wishes that seem out of the realm of possibility?
I went to see Jane Austen's Book Club the other night (actually, I have watched it twice--love it!) and there was a scene where one of the characters goes parachuting for the first time. I was startled to find myself wishing I could do that. I don't think I ever will (my blood pressure is just now getting normal!!! :shock:), but the realization that it looked appealing to me was a revelation. Do you have anything like that tucked away in the recesses of your mind?
Sometimes I think that we co-dependents work to hard at repressing things that pop up somewhere that isnt helpful at all. We were raised to be hyper-responsible and there is an adventurous soul inside that rebels and picks a bad-boy to live through vicariously. Anyway, I'm thinking about it.
Love
CB
That was so well put, CB:) I really like your attitude (and the way you write!)
X Bella
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CB you remind me a lot of someone I once knew and who, in fact visited this board and found agreement from you.
I currently am not involved in any drama anywhere. When this place gets boring to me, I just wait until an interesting topic pops up or until i can come up with something.
I have not been "sitting" on my need for drama at all.
CB: I wonder if, instead of trying to sit on your need for drama, you could capitalize on it. Kinda like Hops suggested--only maybe with a twist. Could you do anything with an element of risk in it? Maybe painting a picture won't give you the jolt that you need.
I don't care to end my life because it wasn't exciting enough for me either, although I see your point clearly.
~Laura
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ok CB...sorry I misunderstood then
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Thanks so much. I love all the many different personalities in people and it makes me sad when they feel that they have to rein in their unique selves. A lot of the fun conversations I have with people in the 3D world are about ways to run with those aspects of our personalities that may seem like they are negative, but which have actually never found a positive outlet.
This is profound. Thanks CB.
I have some really fun friends that are stretching me these days.
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(Looking in with my face pressed against the window) I want some friends like that! :)
RM, You sound like you are really growing. I have learned a lot from peeking in.
Poppy