Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on October 18, 2007, 10:46:24 PM
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What a wonderful thought, Amber...
you and relaxing H moving to the beach to simply BE, alive and well and together, in retirement.
Lovely.
I am really lifted just by reading it.
Congratulations on your wonderful progress!
Hops
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Dear Amber,
I don't know how to put more than one quote in so I will quote you myself.
You talked about the "internals " you would take in your new life.You have to consciously let some things go and replace then with things that you chose.
I think that our FIRST step has to be to clear out garbage. We have to make that "vacuum" .Then we can fill it with "good things'. As I take my M out to the "dumpster",I am filling it with how much God loves me and WHAT effort He went to to find me.(I was stubborn)
Under your things to deal with list you had the "punishing" thing and replacing negative thoughts.
For the "punishing" thing,I think that our "punishing" ourselves is simply a "cord" of attachment to them. It is a way to still have a mother there. I think that when we truly decide that we, actually have NO valid type of M, we will not need to punish ourselves( compost-if needed.I am not totally sure of it either,but I think that it is right)
I think that the biggest factor in letting go of the punishing is simply to truly face at the very bottom of our being that we are motherless. The book,"I will love you forever" makes me sob every time I read it.It is about a M's love. We had the opposite. We could write a book,"I will torment you forever"( and never let you freakin" get rid of me)
I don't know if you have ever seen this book. A pastor was reading it in church.I was up front.Many people had a few tears.I was sobbing like at a funeral. My friend bought me the book and I sob every time I read it.I guess that I am bringing it up here b/c I think that the punishing of ourselves is a way of keeping SOME hope of attachment alive. What do you think?
When you fell, you did great. You inspired me. I need to take care of myself the way that you did.I am glad that you shared that you did not let your M's voice take over at all.In face,you really did not have it actually talking to you, which is wonderful progress.
The last part is the third you. This is the core,I think.This is the real you-- not the false one you HAD to fabricate when you pushed Twiggy down(if I have it right)
This third self is the real Amber --not the "freak" Amber who had to develop b/c your M was so "whacked".
Anyway. Let me know how this resonates with you. You have helped me so much Amber. Thank you Love Ami
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Dear Amber,
Just read your new installment. As always,I need time to read it many times and think about it.Just wanted to say that I am always excited about another update Love Ami
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Hops, Shunned.... what a lovely thread.
At first... I thought the beach was just an abstract excercise to weed through our lives.... decided what to keep and what we can do without.
I suppose it could be, now that I think of it.
I vote for the hedonistic weekend, Shunned: )
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Dear Amber,
I think that I understand what you are saying,(I took notes)
You have to replace the 'bad " pattern FIRST before you can put in the new ,better ones. For example, you have to validate yourself first before you can give up needing validation from outside.
I understand this.It makes sense. We need to be grounded in the new behavior before we throw off the old "bad" one.
I find that once I understand a Scripture in my heart, then I can let go of old "bad" behaviors. For example, the other day,,the verse that 'Do not fear man but fear God...." just went in to my heart while I was exercising. When that happens ,it is the best thing in the world. All of a sudden ,I will 'know" a truth about life.It helped break some of my codependence.---right then and there.
The" sick" issue is a big one for me. I was severely neglected when I was sick.I did not realize how bad it was until I read the inner child book which says that if you were left alone when you were sick, you were severely neglected.Also, my M would scream,"YOOOOOU are not sick till you are hanging over the toilet bowl."BLEH .I would feel such utter despair that I really wanted to just shrink until I was nothing.
For me, my biggest issue is wanting to be comforted and mothered especially when I am sick. I feel that being sick lets me relax my "hard" standards on myself.( as you said)
However,as I face that I AM totally alone,I am realizing that I don't need to get sick in order to nurture myself This is a core issue and will heal slowly,I think.
My H had a 'tantrum" tonight.I have been facing the truth about him before this. He is like the dog who does not jump on the sofa when you are around but STILL WANTS to. My H cannot abuse me anymore BUT he wants to--BLEH. Sometimes,I look in his eyes and he hates me. My role was supposed to be the abused one IF he provided.I changed the "tune" in mid stream.He is angry --down deep. He can't rage( most of the time) but it is not a deep change on his part---just a "have to"
Anyway, You have a good H that cares for you.It is a plus, Amber.
Back to your post.
I think that the biggest core issue that you are facing is that you made the deep decision to "sacrifice yourself" for others. It is very deep and must be let go at a very deep level.Tthe fact that you can even express it means that you are on the WAY to letting it go..
I ,also, think that if I am weak or sick enough --someone will rescue me.This is a very deep turning of ourselves over to "outside "powers,I think. I think that this wanting to be rescued is very,very deep,also.
It reminds me of a small dog who rolls on his back so a bigger dog will leave it alone. I think that I have an emotional pattern of rolling on my back---bleh.
My little dog did it today and it reminded me..
The last pattern that you expressed is a big one. We victimize ourselves MUCH worse than anyone.This pattern is the WORST of all. It feels the most hopeless ,too. If I am not for myself -- Who am I? (good question?)
I want to heal this more than any other part.I want to be "for myself". Then,, you can do the other half which is "If I am only for myself what am I?
You are doing great. Amber. Love Ami
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Dear Amber,
Just stopping by here to say thank you again (and again and again :)) for all that you share here. I am really relating to your style of thinking and these steps you're outlining for yourself! I have come to many of the same conclusions vis the transience of properties and material goods as I've minimized my own *stuff* over the past few years. Many of these processes have been partially hidden within me, because of so much *in your face*-type trials with N-ex, new marriage, teen children, just... life-stuff. So, reading you, I always feel like I'm receiving another glimpse into myself... really amazing. To receive the clarity of understanding about so many things that it seems I've always known, but hadn't taken out of the box and touched... is a great gift.
Fantasizing pragmatically... I love it!
Defending decisions, though? Hey, I vote for smiling and ignoring the nay-sayers!
Much love to you,
Carolyn
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Dear Amber,
I know that it "feels " confusing to unearth these deep patterns. However, as I read your last post about Twiggy, you are much 'clearer" than you think. You defined very clearly the patterns that you are trying to change.
The biggest one was that you were a human 'sacrifice'. That was your "reason for being".You were "comfortable" and "knew" that role. You can see how that role does not "fit" anymore but it is very scary to change it b/c it provided away for you to survive.
Down deep, you may be asking yourself ,'Could I really survive if I am "selfish"?. Selfish is really just what "normal" people do. 'Selfish" is taking care and ownership of what God gave us-- ourselves.
We are "skewed" and "warped" when we jettison ourselves and become the 'savior" for others.
This is the skewed pattern. It is very,very hard to get over the taboo on selfishness. If I could wave a magic wand and give up one pattern it would be the one that I feel "bad" about taking care of myself.It is the deepest one.It is the most upsetting one.
It is the most deeply ingrained one
I think that you identified this pattern( being a sacrifice) very well. I think that if you have gotten to the point where you can EXPRESS it,it is on it's way out.It may take some time,but you have done the hardest part ,which is to face it and express it.
I think, Amber, that you feel confused inside b/c there IS a lot of jumbled emotions and pain,It is like a ball of yarn.
We survived by becoming 'tangled" emotionally.It was a defense mechanism. There is no
easy" way to become untangled.
When you share, others can help you see what you are saying even if you can't see it that well yourself. Keep allowing us to go on the journey with you .I am right behind you with my bags
packed . Love Ami
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Dear Amber,
I need time to study your new post about Twiggy.On the first reading,it seems like you have made a big breakthrough.
You have had so much suffering,Amber.I am so very sorry, Amber.
You sound like such a lovely girl who only wanted a "bit of normality"
Is your M schizophrenic?
Ruth sounds like she was trying to help you(not reject you).She never realized ( faced) how bad your M was,I think.
What a horrible blow it must have been to have lost her.I think that you should try to find her.
My Aunt(.my role model) never realized how her sister was. I was always angry at my Aunt for not helping me. She did not know what I was suffering.
Maybe I am all wrong about Ruth.Forgive me if I am being insensitive at all.
I will write tomorrow when I have time to study your new entry Love Ami
(((((((((((((((((((((Amber)))))))))))))))))))))))
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Dear Amber,
. I am going to the gym.I tried to print out your posts to take with me.Most printed--not all.
Last night, I made myself sick. I SAW it after your posts. Sometimes I can have cocoa at night and it is O.K. Sometimes it makes me feel sick. Last night,I could feel it making me sick but I had it anyway.I wanted to feel as if my M were here taking care of me. However,I saw the whole pattern as it was happening. That was b/c of you, Amber, and your courage to share .
Yesterday,I felt very "alone'. I was exercising and it hit me like a "plank in the head' that I AM alone. I ,always, had so many "ghosts" in my head that I was never alone. My M was always with me. She was always going to take "care of me".
What I gave up for this fantasy was my "mental health.
Yesterday, while I was exercising,I had a strange "spiritual "experience. I saw that I was totally alone. Even my "ideas" about how to "conform" were a lie. I never took drugs,but it felt like when Cheech and Chong have a drug trip.It seemed like all my "illusions" dropped away. I was alone--- only with God.I felt shaken up,but freer,too.
I think that lies stripped away for that moment.
Anyway, my making myself "sick" is a desire to have my M take care of me and a desire NOT TO BE ALONE. I am sure of it ,now.
I am repeating the trauma when my M left me alone when I was sick or screamed "YOUOOO are not sick until you're hanging over the toilet bowl."This time I want it to work out 'right
---- that I am a loved and cherished child . however,.It never gets healed.It just keeps repeating.
Amber,I really want to study your posts and get back later. Thanks so much for being there. Love Ami
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Dear Amber,
You seem like you are slowly digging yourself out of the lies.
I will share what I got from your posts. Compost what does not fit.
You developed a way to get rewarded and have a "reason to exist". It was sacrificing yourself.
You sacrificed yourself so thoroughly that you had no(or little self left).. Once you had the pattern of self sacrifice , the other side of the pattern was that you would be rescued from the outside(from your M, H or others). Your part was to sacrifice yourself . Their part was to rescue you.It was an unwritten agreement..
Your "version" of love was to "sacrifice "yourself. The outside(other people's) version of love was to "rescue " you.
You victimized yourself(sacrificed yourself) and that was the WORST of all victimizations.
Now, you do not have the "know how" to take care of yourself. You are angry that you can't seem to 'be in your own best interest". However,I think that you lost this "tool" when you sacrificed yourself. Now, you are angry at yourself . You don't "have " the tool available to you at the moment.It is not your fault. . When you were raped--- you threw away Twiggy. Twiggy became the "bad" one. Twiggy told the truth. The truth was bad and dangerous so Twiggy was banished.
Twiggy was like a leader of a country when they have a coup. The leader cannot live in that country anymore or he will be killed. Twiggy was banished from your "'country'( your world and you)
Twiggy deserved all the hatred for being such a bad liar and making up such bad stories.It was like Snowball in "Animal Farm". Snowball was banished and then ALL the problems were blamed on Snowball.
You colluded with your M. You had the culprit. Twiggy was the bad one.Now,your M should be your good mother. that was part of the agreement for you.You needed a mother, badly
You made the 'decision" to be your M's ally. Twiggy was the bad one here. You and Mom could be friends and real mother and daughter now that you got rid of Twiggy.
When Ruth "rejected "you and you had all that trauma to deal with was when you "threw away "Twiggy. (This happened to me at 14, when my F told me that my M was "fine" and I was imagining that anything was wrong.)
Your new world had a comfort zone ,now.Everything was going to be all right b/c you and Mom agreed that Ruth and Twiggy were "bad".Your comfort zone was your hatred and banishment of Twiggy.When you gave Twiggy up, you gave up your power and 'energy" for change. You gave up ever really taking care of yourself, too.(i.e smoking)
There are two realities for you to chose from now. There is the comfort zone where you have lived for a long time.In it, Twiggy is bad and banished. In it, you have a mother who is "there " for you.(in fantasy) The negatives are that you can't take care of yourself b/c that was part of Twiggy who you banished. You can't do good things for yourself like art and giving up smoking. Even though this reality has many drawbacks,it was a survival choice and you are "comfortable" with it.It did get you through a terrible childhood into adulthood,in one piece.If you give it up, you will have to face all the pain about Ruth's "rejection. the rape, your M's "craziness etc.
If you stay in it, you won't have to DIRECTLY face the pain that you pushed away when you pushed Twiggy away.
The other reality is that you bring back Twiggy. In this reality, you face all the pain about Ruth, the rape, the lies, your F and that you never had a mother to love and nurture you.In this reality you don't have to hurt yourself b/c hurting yourself is part of the OTHER reality. Both realities cannot exist at the same time. THAT is why you are hurting and confused. You are trying to "meld" two separate realities.It is like trying to speak Chinese and English at the same time.It won't work and it will be gibberish. That is what is NOT working about your life.
The self injury is the old reality and loving yourself is the new reality
You(we) need a new birth in to the new reality.It does not have to be all at once. What I wrote is just a "map" for the journey. Again,compost what does not fit Love Ami
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Dear Amber,
It was a lot of thoughts(on my part). Maybe some do and some don't fit.
I just had a big insight. You have said it many times,but it just hit me. I always am making myself sick so i can "feel" like I have a M who will come and take care of me. It hit me that I NEVER ,ever had this M--even when I was a baby and a small child. It never ever existed.
It was a "heart "insight that I wanted to share. What am I holdong on to? It was NEVER there----
Ami
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Dear Amber,
In trying to help you,I helped myself. Last night,I did not have that cocoa and did not have a stomach ache.I am aware of the "urge" to make myself sick, in some way so I can have that "pattern' where I feel that my M will 'come' and take care of me.
However,after writing the post to you,I saw what I was saying(lol)
I saw that ,for me, there WERE two separate worlds. There was the world where my M was 'right" . There is the "world" where my M is wrong. They are opposite ,so both cannot be true.
I am always in the position to chose one over the other. Last night when I did not have the cocoa ,I chose the world where my M was 'wrong" and I really was valuable. In this world, there was no M to come take care of me and never was--even when I was small.
I am seeing many more applications to the two "worlds".In the new world ,I cannot control anything.In the old one,if I am only good enough. everyone will like and take care of me.
Love Ami
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Dear Amber,
I see how I could never outshine my M(too big for your britches).I just realized how I sabotaged my grades in college b/c I was doing "too well"-. I was afraid of that. Part of the "old world"(my M's world) is not to shine.It is too make myself very little and insecure.I used to do this when she raged,I was comfortable diminished --not powerful.If I want to make her angry now, the BEST way is to have self esteem the way I did when she totally rejected me.
When I felt good about myself-- she was sure to tear it down with some version of "WHOOO do you think you are?"
Part of the old world( the programmed world) is that I had to be little, insecure, fearful, , weak etc--then I might be spared .It is the same as you getting happiness, Amber. You were getting too big for your britches.
I think that we are saying the same thing. Amber.
There are two different (and separate) life plans. One is the programmed one where we took on the false self for them and threw our inner child away. The other is where our inner child is alive, trusted and we take care of her. This one involves facing the false beliefs that we took on as real when we threw our inner child away. This is the painful part that I am in, now. i am facing just how many false beliefs I took on when I threw away the 'real" me(inner child).
Love Ami
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I really am seeing that I think that "hold on" to self defeating behavior--no mater what it is b/c I am simply too afraid to let my past go. I can see this as I am trying to change my ability to "care" for myself I stayed in the desert for so long b/c I "knew" it and it made "sense'. Also, I had a M there. In the new world,I am alone and "nothing' makes sense( to the old me). Everything is new . All the rules are new, They are as I see them not as I was programmed .YIKES Ami
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Dear Amber.
When I get home from the gym,I will study your posts.I am so happy that we are both getting free.
Love ami
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Dear Amber,
Your progress is so big that I need time to digest it.Maybe when I get back from my trip.Maybe later tonight.
I think that you had such amazing insights that I can only face them a little at a time.
Forgive me if it takes me a while to respond.
I almost feel in a sense of shock to be facing life as it is without the illusions.
Love to You Ami
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Dear Amber,
I can only respond in bits and pieces b/c it is SO big. However,I was thinking about what the "role "entails in my life----what behaviors, feelings .actions etc make up the role.
I have some and I know that there are many more.
One is acting like a "flibberty jibbit".My M would always be like a "chicken without her head". This was her "manner".I guess that she thought that it was winning--bleh. Anyway,I became like that, too. Actually the 'real me' is composed..I can let the flibbrty -jibbit" go with the 'role"
Part of the" role "was that I could never enjoy anything.I had to punish myself all the time for the crime of "not being good enough" to make it O.K.for her. She still wants this and is angry that I don't make it better for her. She rages about this.
So,I don't have to punish myself anymore b/c it was part of the role,too.I can enjoy the moment,now. I was looking at my Standard Poodle, Henrietta's, beloved face. I just love that old face . I am just letting myself look at it and think about how beautiful it is to me. That is the type of simple joy I mean.
One of the biggest parts of the role was FEAR. It was fear to the 100 th power-- mega fear. That was part of the role ,too.
Being dependent on people to define me was part of the role. I had to scurry like a hamster on the wheel so YOU could tell me who I was-..
Also, not being able to nurture myself creatively was a part of the role. Now,I am so excited b/c I am going to start learning classical guitar.It has been a dream of mine to be able to take the guitar to nursing homes or other places and bring music.
Also,I feel like I can play the piano. I deserve the right to beauty. Punishing myself by stopping my creativity was part of the role, too.
I will write more as I face it . Thanks again, Amber. Love Ami
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Dear Amber,
After having cocoa and chocolate ice cream tonight(I got a stomach ache after the cocoa), I realized WHY I stay in all the various forms of sickness- emotional and physical. You gave me the clue when you said that your M was C-R-A-Z=Y.
I realized that I really do not want to face that fact.I am trying to be 'bad' so that I can still keep her 'good" in my mind b/c it is 'mind blowing" to face that she is crazy.
I still only see this with my head--not really with my heart.
YIKES. I think that it is a really big thing to accept that you own M is crazy.I think that your mind would go in to all sorts of contortions NOT to accept it. Contortions such as telling you that YOU were crazy---anything but her.
She is our whole sense of reality. She gave us all our viewpoints and values.It is such a big"shock' to really accept this.
I would be interested in what you, Amber,or anyone thinks of what I said(about it being a shock that you would do most anything NOT to accept) Ami
I think that this layer of denial is the root to all the rest.If I am going to be whole,I have to accept the reality that she is crazy. Otherwise,I am going to be trying to carry some or all of her craziness on my shoulders so I can still look at her as good--bleh.This is the core and I am only seeing it with my head----not my heart
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Dear Amber,
I am coming to a deep understanding of WHY I retained any of the destructive behaviors from the "role". I see that it was all about not wanting to be alone. I would rather be sick, screwed up, self hating etc JUST not to face that I was alone .I would not face that my M was crazy b/c that would mean(for sure) that I could not count on anyone to be there for me.Since,I had given up my self,i had few inner resources. So,it was a horrible vicious circle. I gave up myself to her(survival). Then ,I had no inner resources. So,I looked to her to give me guidance-bleh.
Amber----I am seeing ,little by little ,that I would have rather lived with the lie that my M was good so I did not have to be "alone" than face it and realize that I am responsible for everything inside myself(thoughts,feelings, actions)
This is where I am now. I am not totally well, However,I see the problem and I see the solution. I don't totally "get it" with my heart, though. Maybe,it will take a little more time. Thanks for all your help, Amber Love Ami
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Dear Amber.
I just read your last post about Twiggy. You sound the strongest and clearest that I have ever heard you. BRAVO-you are doing great.I want to tell you that.
I wanted to address your post.
You are letting go of the Role that you were forced to take on. It has the condemning voice in it.I bet that it has other "bad" voices in it ,too. I bet that it has.'WHOOO do you think you are?", 'You don't do anything right.,"etc .
In the Role are many bad voices,I would think. The Role has s/thing to say 'about everthing" you do,I would think.
I want to address the doctor issue. The allopathic doctors(by in large) will not listen to even the strongest person when it goes against their agenda. It is not a reflection on you or your ability to stand up for yourself. The way to stand up for yourself (IMO) would be to get a natural health care worker.Also, doctors are being FORCED to change b/c so many people are going to natural health care providers. So, you can "vote' with your pocketbook.
ANY time I have seen a doctor confronted with natural things, they got hostile.
So, I think that the doctor was a no-win situation for the strongest person---even another doctor.
I know what you mean about the Role. Today,I stood firm on s/thing and a depression came over me. The Role's voice was telling me that I was "nasty". I was NOT. I was firm. However, the Role demands submission and subserviience------not strength. The new me needs strength and power.
I think that we are both making great progress on facing the Role and letting it go. I guess that it is a process-not an immediate thing. We have had it for a long time.
I think that replacing the Role with our real self will take practice just like practicing an instrument or a language. We are doing great, Amber,IMO.
Love Ami
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Dear Amber,
I hope that you don't mind if I write my current "situation" on your thread. It has to do with letting go of the "Role" so I thought that it was relevant .
I woke up today ,early, and had a huge revelation( the kind that you have at 5 AM) when you are half asleep I saw that I had completely rejected myself at a very,very deep level. I saw this fact and I "felt" it,in my heart.
Last night,I was talking with my S(older) about" power". This seems to be a really big and important subject for abused people b/c we have given ours away. Not having our own power accounts for a lot of our current problems/ Look at Lupita. IMO, not having her power is THE reason the school situation got so out of hand.
My S works and is in school. He was telling me that work life is all about "power". He was saying that he has gotten much better at asserting his power and getting respect. There is one girl who is scapegoated at his work. We were talking about why.I guess that she does not know how to use her own power.
Anyway, Amber,I have had a stomach ache for 3 days.I am facing the last vestige of denial about my M. It is that she is "mentally ill". I really did not want to face it at all. I still don't ,but I must if I am to have any quality of life.
I see that taking on the "Role' brought with it 'crazy" thinking to the "max". Part of the role is lots and lots of crazy ideas. One is that everyone else is "good" and I am" bad." It is ,also, that there IS a perfect person out there and I am failing b/c I am not perfect. Also, I need to keep looking for the perfect person to model myself after and to give my power to.So,I identified a few "crazy" and sick beliefs,but there are THOUSANDS-.
There are thousands of "sick" beliefs and I TOOK THEM as 'real" and true. That is why I am so sick now-- emotionally and physically( stomach).
I am just sitting at the bottom of the mountain of sick beliefs and thinking,"HOW am I going to climb this?". Well,I will just climb it one step at a time.
So, the "Role" has lots of distorted views on life, ourselves, other people, what is important in life etc.etc.
I have faced a few distorted beliefs(lies). I know that many will appear and I will write about them and let them go. Underneath all of this Amber, are two beautiful treasures --us. Love Ami
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Dear Amber,
I am going to come back later and 'digest" and write about your post. I just wanted to say that I do feel "real' when I am sick in any way---stomach etc. WHAT does this mean? I don't really get how it fits in.
I think that I have an emotional block to seeing it Ami
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Dear Amber,
I feel real when I am sick or hurting in my body. It reminds me of when kids cut themselves. They say that it is to feel real.
I KNOW that I feel real when I am sick. So, you are saying this (smoking and sickness) is a time that we can get out of the 'Role"?
Whatever,it is -----it is some real issue that needs to be addressed. I will ask my inner child and get back when I get some answers
Love Ami
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Dear Amber,
I think that I GOT it. The sickness and smoking is a red flag from our inner child. It is an SOS. It is a scream for help. I feel pretty certain about it.There is a prisoner(our inner child) and it is signalling from deep within where it was pushed away.
Your post is helping me inch my way forward.I just got one piece (to the 1000 freakin" ) piece puzzle.
I want to say "bleh" at how big the puzzle is. However, you ,my dear friend just gave me a major piece. My deepest thanks to you, Amber. Keep that head working--girlfriend . Love Ami
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I am so sorry, Amber. We won't talk about Twiggy anymore unless you say otherwise. O.K? I hope that you feel better, dear. Love Ami
(((((((((((((((((((((Amber))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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I want to thank you for this topic and all the posts on it. I have been madly busy recently and unable to post much and barely able to keep up in reading. But I was reading this topic a few days ago and all of a sudden....
I GOT IT!
Pardon my shouting but - I GOT THE ROLE!! I understand!! I understand the falseness of my Role and suddenly - I get it!! And I get exactly what you are saying about smoking Shunned - it was an action outside the role!! It was furtive and it belied aspects of the Role and it acknowledged my feeling of failure - of being flawed and unable to carry of the Role -- to make the Role into reality - which is what I was always trying to do - and also I was always trying to make myself Unreal. Amy talks about becoming Real and all I was trying to do was turn myself into fiction because my realness is totally intractable. I can't become the fiction no matter how hard I try.
And I completely get what you are saying about not having parents and covering it up - I did exactly the same thing. I had this complete facade going and I was trained too, particularly by my grandmother who said to me "You will take care of you father and keep his house and stay home and then one day get married and have children and stay home and keep your husband's house." And my dad always telling me I was too emotional, illogical, hysterical, putting down everything I did and naming it wrong, abusive names. The Role that was imposed on me. But also the Role too is covering up for the complete absolute failure of your parents to do their FUNCTION (not their 'Role') as parents. And, at least in my case, my dad always took all sorts of credit and notice for being 'super dad' and was a complete NO SHOW as a parent. He was just in it for himself and the NS. Part of my Role was to prop up his complete lie.
Thank you so much. So much. The Role is a big, big part of what is ruining important aspects of my adult life. The Role was my path to survival, but the Role has severely impacted my ability to thrive and make the most of life as an individual - especially in being able to do what I love and enjoy what I do.
I don't know when I will get back but wow - I'm so blown away, completely moved.
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Dear Iphi,
I am so,so happy for you. Today,I had a HUGE day too. I think that I became "real"
Iphi, to see your happiness, today, makes my day joyful. To see that you reclaimed a big part of yourself is such a wonderful 'sight"
Understanding the role is so "simple", in a way, and so,so hard to get in another way.
I wish that you would consider , getting the inner child book,"Healing Your Aloneness " by Margaret Paul. Maybe, at some later point when all this has sunk in, you will think about it.
Under all the 'mess"----is the beautiful ,'real" you. It is a digging expedition(IMO).
I am so very happy for this step of yours. It is a very BIG one. Love Ami
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No more typecasting for anybody!
xxoo
Hops
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Dear Amber,
You are making wonderful progress. Your last Twiggy post was the strongest and most "clear" yet.
Bravo to you, Ami
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Hi Amber,
So glad you feel yourself approaching the summing-up. There is so much WHOLE life, WHOLE self ahead for you.
It's also joyful to hear you write of your studio. I hope sometime you can post some photos, if you're willing, of your art. I'd love to see it.
Do you mind telling me what sort of energy-saving blinds you'll be installing? I obsess on these things...
xo,
Hops
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Dear Amber,
I am so happy that you are doing well. You deserve all the happiness that life has to offer.I think that your letter will be a wonderful gift to your children.
Mine journeyed with me as I went through all the ups and downs with my M. They did not own my "issues" as it was "obvious" that the issues were mine.
They developed a strong bond with me , partly, b/c I was "real" about myself.( I figured that I might as well be "real" b/c kids can feel it anyway.) I lived with so many lies in my FOO that I tried to be honest with my children.
I think that writing the letter will be a wonderful bonding process for you and them. You can free them from any of your issues that they "took". You can bond as human beings in a deep way.You can touch each other on the deep human level and cement your relationship with them, even more.
Love Ami
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Dear Amber,
I think that the truth will free everyone. You never know what they are "carrying" for you( even subconsciously). I carried so much for my M to the point that I felt like I did not deserve to eat.
What a gift if my M could ever own her own life( or your mother, also)
Truth will bring all of you closer,together(IME) . Remember what happened to you was not your fault . Love Ami