Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Ami on October 25, 2007, 10:04:26 AM
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I am going away for the weekend. I am afraid to "travel". My inner child book says that if you are afraid to travel it is b/c you don't trust that you will" be there' to take care of yourself.You need to take away the tapes saying that you are not able to act in your own best interest and with your own power.IOW, you have to be the advocate for yourself.(If I am not for myself--Who am I?")
I realize from Tayana's post that I have to force myself to nurture myself.I am doing it and she is right.It feels better.I am even getting feelings of having value like I used to feel when I was 'whole".However,it "feels "very 'wrong"
Sally said that you have to nurture YOURSELF..This hit me as a "wow". I forgot that I was the one who had to nurture myself.
When I wrote the post to Amber on Twiggy's thread,I realized that I had "sacrificed' myself and then thought that other people would rescue or tale care of me. It hit me like a "brick" that this is not the "natural order of things".This is codependency. I need to love and nurture myself. Other people can be "companions" in life-----not the essential filling of an inside emptiness.
Also, I see that it is too much "work" to get other people to build me up, validate me etc.It takes so much effort and energy.It would be much easier to nurture and love myself. Then I won't go so up and down on the whims of others.
So, I am "forcing' myself to override the old tapes of shame, I am forcing myself to go against my M's biggest "sin"--loving, nurturing and taking care of yourself. Love Ami
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Ami,
It is so hard for me to nurture myself. It feels like I am doing something wrong, and being SELFISH, rather than SELF-LOVING.
It is easier to 'expect' others to nurture you, and then it seems easier too, to get angry with them when they don't live up to your expectations. But when YOU are responsible for nurturing yourself, you can do something about it when you feel that you're 'letting yourself down'. That's the theory, anyway. I think I need to practice that one a bit more often, yet!
Also, once you can nurtue yourself more, I find it becomes easier to nurture those around you.
But if you had years and years of an NMum telling you that it was WRONG to love yourself first (and not HER), then it obviously is going to take some concentrated effort to learn new patterns of behaviour.
Janet
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Thank you Janet for your response.I guess that we have to 'overcome "conditioning.i am starting TODAY.
I just realized why I don't like to travel.I never feel safe(anyway). When I go away from familiar surroundings,it just feels worse.
I don't feel safe inside.I don't feel like I can be counted on to take care of myself----- emotionally,physically etc. I feel like I abandon myself. I just feel MORE vulnerable when I am in unfamiliar settings.I feel the same way all the time(i think). It just seems more magnified when I go away.
It is about the feeling like I always want to find a safe place and crawl in to it.(Howard Hughes and the room)
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Ami,
I'm not too good with travelling away from home. Whenever I get back (even if it's just a couple of days later), I feel have I have to round the house patting things, and saying hello to my stuff. I walk round my garden, to see what's changed while I've been gone. I have to sit in the silence, and get used to the house again. My husband feels it too, which helps. We always light the fire in our living room when we get back from travelling (even in the summer), because it seems like it's the 'soul' of the house, and it needs revitalising for a while.
Oh, and we have a cup of tea.
Then, we feel better.
Janet
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That is sweet, Janet.
Lately,my faith in God as an "actual" presence has increased. I just want to be in His presence and learn about Him.
If I believe in God,I can't just "not" do things and not go places. What good is my faith if I don't believe that God can keep me safe anywhere---right? I went through such "birth pangs"( an N mother) to find Him. I have to know that He will help me until I get whole and am not afraid anymore. That is my hope. Ami
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This thread reminds me of a CD from Henry Wright. He is "screaming" at people to "Get out and take what God has given you and live it." Yes--I can throw it away( me) or I can live it. Ami
PS I am forcing myself to "nurture" myself and as Tayana says you do feel better.
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It was a big huge challenge for me to be alone with myself and make my own plans. I didn't even realize that was my problem until I was in the middle of it - I did a study abroad year in college and didn't have any friends to glom onto.
I would have done better in my 20s to spend some $$ and move out from my housemates - it made me lose ground. But my relationship with H is growth positive.
I don't know if that is an aspect for you ami?
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Ami,
It's so hard, I know. You just have to try to go and enjoy it. When I went on vacation with my girlfriend and M a few years ago, the trip down to the hotel was so draining. I was so upset that night that I could barely eat when we went out for dinner. We spent three days, site-seeing and having fun. The second day . . . I had never been so relaxed. We just went out and had fun, and it was great. I enjoyed M and my friend, and I really had a good time. I was so sad when it was time to come home because I knew I wasn't going to get to see my friend for a while. I'm going to change that though. I'm going to try to plan for a trip over spring break to visit.
If the weekend is too scary, you could try for just a whole day out. Then the next time try a weekend.
Let us know how it goes.
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Thanks Tayana for those kind words.
Just starting this thread has helped.I am seeing that if I nurture myself,I am not going to try to pull it from other people.First of all,I become a "slave " to them .Secondly,it is not their job to prop me up. Thirdly,it is no fun to be with people if you need them to define you.
I can feel a slight shift toward nurturing myself.I am happy for AMY shift.I am seeing that my own identity was not a factor in HOW my M treated me.It was all her own need to "throw up" on s/one.
I was there and I was powerless.It is no reflection on me as a person --in ANY way.
I guess that she was jealous of my innocence, and wanted to destroy it.It does not mean that I was "bad"
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"I am happy for AMY shift"
Was that a Freudian slip?! :shock:
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Go Ami. Be good to yourself.
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I second tayana - go ami and be good to yourself. Enjoy your own company - it's good company!
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Dear Janet, Iphi and Tayana,
I am doing just what Tayana said.I am not waiting until I feel like nurturing myself.I am forcing myself to do it.Of course I would have resistance.I was programmed to self destruct so an N would not feel threatened . That was it.I see it now.I had to keep getting smaller and smaller--so I did not do better than she did.
When I was in college,I would have been Summa Cum Laude. On the finals,I purposely screwed them up so I wouldn't be. I did not know "why" ..Now,I know.I was scared to death to outshine her.I had to make her proud ,but NOT show her up--bleh. What a freakin no win situation.
Now,I see all the facets of my life. She is angry b/c I have a trained dog. . She is angry that I have good kids. Now,I see what I internalized . No wonder I have been screwed up. What a "load" for a person to take-- always walking the tightrope of psychological death.I was always afraid to look good too. She wanted to be proud of me ,but HOW good could I look before she would get jealous .
I HAD to make her look good,but not look so good that she got threatened.
I am seeing( with the heart) the bind she put me in No wonder I felt so badly for so long.
The deep imprints that they put on us are monumental. Ami
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I just want to say that the "forcing " myself to nurture myself is working.I can see glimpses to the "person who I used to be" before I succumbed to my N mother.I used to have to have spunk and vitality--not the washed out version that I am now..
Ami
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Dear Amber,
The root of my depression( and fear) is that my inner child does not TRUST me to be on her side --with good reason. That is exactly the "dilemma" that I am in --now.
She is depressed b/c she does not trust me NOT to betray her.To tell you the truth,it IS a work in progress, for me.
I don't really trust myself ,either.I have betrayed her for so long. Part of it is being codependent .. Part of it is fear of not being liked(or people being angry at me). It probably has more parts ,too
That is why I am trying to "force" myself to do every little small victory- little by little--bleh love Ami
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Hi Ami,
Sally said that you have to nurture YOURSELF..This hit me as a "wow". I forgot that I was the one who had to nurture myself.
When I wrote the post to Amber on Twiggy's thread,I realized that I had "sacrificed' myself and then thought that other people would rescue or tale care of me. It hit me like a "brick" that this is not the "natural order of things".This is codependency. I need to love and nurture myself. Other people can be "companions" in life-----not the essential filling of an inside emptiness.
Also, I see that it is too much "work" to get other people to build me up, validate me etc.It takes so much effort and energy.It would be much easier to nurture and love myself. Then I won't go so up and down on the whims of others.
So, I am "forcing' myself to override the old tapes of shame, I am forcing myself to go against my M's biggest "sin"--loving, nurturing and taking care of yourself. Love Ami
Ami your post is a light of hope. I've been looking for a way to exist in the presence of my N, which we know is fruitless and exhausting.
I feel invisible and have had less energy, tired of silently yelling I am here, stop hurting me, I count too.etc....
I realized after reading your post I have completely sacrificed myself for even existing in my own life.This probably makes know sense. But the people that bring me down are so filled with grandiose lives (make believe, yet I play my part) I am programmed to think I am not as busy, as selfless, as thoughtful, as popular, important as them.
As you said, "Then I won't go so up and down on the whims of others." Wow, that really is huge to see in black and white. The answer is there to be taken.....nurture yourself.
Thank you for sharing and lighting a candle so I too can see. Sending you lots of strength and joy as you embark on loving you! seasons
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I realized after reading your post I have completely sacrificed myself for even existing in my own life.This probably makes no sense
Dear Seasons,
Thank YOU for the gift of understanding. Every time I nurture myself or put my needs(mostly emotional) first,I break a few threads away from the old pattern.
It is so painstaking,at this stage ,to even TRY to break away. However,I am seeing my M as a little more separate from me as I force myself to "honor" myself and take care of myself.
I think that the biggest thing she did NOT want me to have was self care.
I never "fought" back before.I just let all her ideas and voices wash over me and I submitted.Now,I am slowly wrenching myself away from them.
I simply am forcing myself to do kind things for myself. Maybe I can only do a few at a time.It seems so wrong to be good to myself. However, even if I do a little thing like put a 'tart"(candle wax)in the tart warmer and smell the wonderful smells like Candy cane, or Christmas trees,I am doing a small victory FOR myself and against what she taught me.
It is really like cult brainwashing.I can only make very small dents --little by little.
Thanks for sharing the journey with me, Seasons. It means so much to me that you shared about your situation Love Ami
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Dear Amber,
Does Twiggy trusts you to be good to her and take care of her?I know that my inner child does not at all. I will have to prove it to her. She has no reason to at all b/c I ALWAYS let her down in favor of s/one or s/thing else--always. That was what my stomach aches were. She did not even deserve to live. She would be silly to trust me when I have abused and betrayed her as badly as my M did to me.
My goal is to get her to trust me. That is what I am working on now. That is why she does not like to travel.I could betray her more when I am in different surroundings and she knows it.
For me,I will earn her trust little by little .She does not like my H too much, either b/c he has to be "beaten down" too.
So, I have new challenges ahead of me---bleh--( would rather stay in the room) Ami
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Dear Amber,
That last post was SO BIG.I get it--Amber.
WOW-- you got to the root. The "bad' things were only the "role".It was not your M or "you"--it was the "role' that you had to play in order to survive.Now you( I) are free to be who we were before we were forced to take on the role.
I don't know if you just figured this out or you had before but this is BIG. THANK YOU Love Ami
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I was told by a friend of mine long time ago, that I am one of those persons who gives the rope to the person who is going to hang me.
I remember my dad telling me bring me my belt because I am going to bit you. And I did.
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Lupita,
I'm so sorry, Lupita. That was not your fault. You had no option.
My NMum had a piece of wood that she used to 'pull' the wet washing from the 'twin tub' washing machine into the spin dryer. When we were 'naughty', we had to go and fetch it, and then she'd hit us with it.
Both my NMum and your father were 'offloading' the 'bad behaviour' of choosing to hit us, by making us collude in the act.That's not normal behaviour for a responsible adult.
But then, this is N's we're talking about.
Janet
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Ami - this may be a weird response to your self-nurturing issue, but it hit me last night. I was watching a movie in which the hero was injured badly. He had to keep going to reach his goal, but he was bleeding and limping. He passed by a truck and a bus both with people aboard. I was so jolted when he did not stop and ask for help - I realized that's what I've done all my life - I've just thrown myself on the mercy of other people instead of nurturing myself. I expected others to nurture me when I was brusied and injured. Not only did it not happen, but many of those I "threw" myself on only further brutalized me. It was an emotional blow to watch him struggle on to take care of himself and reach his goal and realize my primal instinct would have taken away my power to nurture myself.
And all that from a stupid movie .... :?
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Dear Towrite,
The movie just brought together thoughts that were inside you ,anyway.Towrite--did you see my new thread ,"Things my M did not teach me."It is about power-----before I hijacked it myself.
However,having and owning our own power is the key to getting out of abuse( even our own to ourselves--which is the WORST of all).
Anyway, you are such a wonderful voice .. I am so glad that you are here,today. Love Ami
((((((((((((((((Towrite)))))))))))))))))))))))))
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You are absolutely right, Ami, about having our power as a key to getting out of abuse.