Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: tayana on October 25, 2007, 07:19:02 PM
-
My mother called my son at his daycare today to ask him if he had a coat. Did she call here and leave a message for me? No.
She didn't even know which daycare he's at. She had to look it up.
Now, I have to worry about her showing up at school to pick him up. Or at the daycare where the security is not as tight as it should be.
I don't know what she told him. I can guess from the way he acted she must have told him not to say anything to me.
Arrrrghhh! I am SO mad. I would never keep him from talking to her if he asked, but he doesn't say anything. We're going to have a talk later, M and me, and I'm going to explain as best as I can. I'm not playing this game.
-
I know you'll handle it well.
How dare she pull that?
The NERVE!
She seems to be coming a bit unraveled, if you ask me.
Not having you to bounce around..... provide whatever comfort that was for her..... isn't easy for her to let go of.
Maybe it'll get a whole lot worse?
Maybe she'll do something really stupid?
The fact that you worry, at all, about her taking him from school/daycare is enough to make my antenna go up.
-
I think that your M is on an escalation battle.I think that it might get worse before it gets better. Do they sell battle gear on e bay?
Ami
-
Tay,
Will the school support your requests to keep certain calls and visits from your son? I would think that any caller other than those on an approved list should be screened. Sounds like they need to be reminded of their responsibilities. No daycare should be lax when it comes to security.
She is relentless. Isn't she? It is such a boundary crossing thing to do. So violating! When my mil messes with my kids, steam comes out of my ears!!!! Does she know you are cutting her out? or are you doing it quietly? Your vigilance will pay off, I hope. Maybe she will get tired and call off the dogs. But they say it gets worse before it gets better, right?
Love, Pops
-
And it gets better!
I talked to him while we were having dinner and just explained that my mom called me and screamed at me and hurt my feelings. I told him he was welcome to use the phone to call his grandma anytime he wanted.
Here's what he told me:
He said he told her he got a hamster, and she said, "That's great" in a sarcastic voice.
He said she told him she loved him, and then when he said he'd come out to visit her, she told him he couldn't come out because her and I didn't get along..
I asked his how that made him feel and he said, "weird." I asked him if it hurt his feelings. At first he said no, but then he said "a little."
So now, not only am I keeping him away from her, but she doesn't even want to see him.
It's just unbelievable.
Pops, I think I may call the school and make certain of their policy about him going home with someone besides me. I've been quietly cutting her out, just not talking to her. She won't ever let me have a word in edgewise when I talk to her, so I just decided not to talk. It's going to get worse. I'm sure of it.
Lighter, my brother and I think she's losing it. I'm scared to leave M with her when she acts like this. I'm scared of the sorts of things she's going to say or do.
-
Wow Tayana,
I feel like it will escalate. Hold on----it could be a "ride". It shows that she was desperate to keep you "down" all these years. When you got strong, she freaked out. What a horrible tug of war!
Do "normal" people go through this??? Ami
-
Tay,
I think everyone here is right - it is very likely escalate.
Hang in there - try to maintain NC if you can.
Do you think it would help to set a short-term goal for yourself? Maybe say - ok 1 week (or 1 month) or whatever you think is workable. Make a commitment to yourself that you will give that time to you and M only – you both so deserve that time. Think of it as giving yourself a vacation from your Mother. Promise yourself not to think about her at all. Everytime a thought creeps in – shut it down. Set the time limit, when the time is up, reassess and set another time limit for yourself....
When I went NC it was really hard at first. It helped me to think of NC in short time intervals. I allowed myself the break, and then would allow myself another break…. It has been about a year now - and it has been the most peaceful time in my life - it gets easier with time. And, IMO, you and M really need this time for each of you as individuals and together as a family.
You wrote:
He said she told him she loved him, and then when he said he'd come out to visit her, she told him he couldn't come out because her and I didn't get along..
This made me very angry. It takes a lot to make me angry – but this, oh yes, this did it. IMO, this is a boundary that NO ONE, absolutely NO ONE has a right to cross. This is an epitaph moment. She just tried to drive a wedge between you and your son by speaking badly of you to him. No one, but no one, tries to drive a wedge between my child and me – or vice versa. Nope. That, for me, would be the absolute deal breaker. This can seriously harm a child’s mental well being – they don’t have the wherewithal at that age to understand, and this is the type of action that can haunt for a lifetime.
OOhhhh - She just stepped way over a line that you do not cross with me.
I am so sorry if this sounds harsh Tay. Your mom reminds me a lot of mine (that ugly, manipulative behavior) - she really triggers me.
I am sending you so much strength and many, many hugs – hang in there. I have been there – it does get easier with time.
(((((((Tay))))))))
Peace
-
Ami, FP, I agree, it's going to get worse. I'm going to attempt to talk to my father on Sunday morning while he is at the flea market. That's the only time I might be able to talk to him without my mother around. I'm not actually going there. I'm just going to call him. I'm going to tell him about this incident, and how my mom told M he couldn't go out there because of me. Quite honestly, I'm afraid to let him be around her without someone else there. I don't know what she'll do, and I just don't trust her.
FP, this incident just drove home how important NC is right now. I didn't want to talk to her this weekend. It makes it very hard for me because M is out of school a lot this month, so I'm not sure what i"m doing for childcare yet. I'm going to try a full day at the daycare, my sister-in-law thinks her sister might help me out. I think I'm just going to take a couple of vacation days one week since I already have a long weekend. M and I could go do something if the weather's nice or just have a nice time at home.
Telling M he couldn't visit because of me was an absolute deal breaker. I was willing to work at a relationship before today, but not anymore. I'm done. She's made it clear she thinks I'm the devil's spawn, and i'm not playing anymore. I told my brother that I am just so tired of all of this BS. I'm so pissed over having to play stupid games, and I'm not doing it anymore. I don't care what I have to do. NC stays in place. I told my brother that I don't know what to do about the holidays. I was thinking that i needed to do my shopping, but I didn't really want to. I don't want anything to do with my mother, and any enthusiasm I felt for the holidays is totally gone now.
-
Hi Tayana-
Please forgive me if anything I say seems worng or offends you, but I feel compelled to tell you what I see in this scenario.
Your NM has already taken your identity and stolen your precious name , besmirching it with debt and lies. I fear that she is doing much the same thing with your precious son. Your son is your responsibility, and you must do what is right for him, which may not always be what is most pleasant for you both or what your fantasy life would be.
It seem that your NM might be terribly diseased and a hazard to you, your son, and your home. It is sad that your son may have to live without the fantasy of a good granny- it is not sad for you to protect him from the reality of a dangerous granny. You want everything normal for your son, but you cannot make your vicious NM into a healthy person. It is not within your power. She however, can wreak havoc in your life and the life of your son in unthinkable proportions if you let her.
Tay, stay the course. Be strong and protect your son and home, and don't let NM steal and destroy anymore- you do not have that right, your responsibility is to your son above all. Be strong.
Love and peace,
Changing
PS- If this seems harsh or not fitting to you , please throw my post in the trash heap.
Love, Changing
-
Changing, nope it's not harsh at all. I'm only going to contact my father to tell him I'm done, that I'm not playing anymore. I might give him the option of getting my mother professional help. I don't know. I'm done with the woman though. I don't want anything else to do with her. These last two weeks have been so nice and peaceful, even though I cringe when the phone rings, and have a moment of fear when I come home.
M said my mom called to see if he had a coat since it's gotten chilly here. Good thing I bought him one. Looks like I might need to buy him a heavier one this weekend. Maybe myself too.
She crossed a line this time, and I don't appreciate it. Like my brother said, me wanting to have my own place and life at 33 is normal. Her trying to control who I see and what I do and how I do it isn't.
-
Dear Tayana-
I am so sorry that you are such a little jewel whose value is not seen by her mother, and has been hurt so much and so unjustly. I am equally happy that you are valuing yourself and your son, and doing what you know is right to take care of your little family.
I am also excited for you Tayana- without that baleful influence, I know that you will bloom more than you know, and attain the full and joyous life that you deserve!!!
Have fun and get a gorgeous coat!!!
Love,
Changing
-
Dear Tayana,
Just a thought. Compost what does not fit.
I would be careful of your F. He may betray you,also. I would not have expectations of his helping you. He may even actively "hurt you(emotionally). As she escalates, he may be "forced" to escalate in some manner also(maybe with more "rejection" of you). Just a thought.I hope that I am wrong.I would not put too many( or any) hopes in his support.
You are doing so well. I bet that you can't even believe what you "escaped" from . I have you in my thoughts, Tayana. Love Ami
-
Tayana,
I can only echo all the advice everyone else has given, and send you my best.
cats paw
-
Changing, thanks for your kind words. I'm feeling better. I meant to bring my journal to work so I could post my entry from last night, but I'll get it at lunch.
Ami, I know it's a risk, but I'm going to try it. And no, I can't believe that I got away, even though my mother seems determined to drag me back.
Cat, thanks.
I called the school this morning to double check their policy on picking kids up. I don't know that my mother would try, but I wouldn't put it past her. They have to have a parental note, thank goodness. They won't let a child leave without a note. I'm going to talk to the daycare people too, and just tell them I'd rather be contacted if anyone tries to call or pick M up from there.
-
Well, that was a totally unsatisfying conversation. My dad just called me to tell me that my mother did NOT tell my son that he couldn't go out there. He said he was sitting there when she called. He said M misunderstood.
He wanted to know when I planned to go out there, and I said I didn't know. I told him I was really disgusted with my mother's behavior, and I couldn't handle it anymore. I explained about the camp situation and how my mom totally blew that all out of proportion, and that now she has this delusion going on that everything I do I'm doing to hurt her. It's not true.
He didn't offer any advice or comfort. Total waste of time.
-
My dad will do anything, anything to protect my mom. He would bend over backwards for her no matter how badly she treats him.
I told him I didn't like her calling M at daycare or school or anywhere but at my home. I think it's inappropriate.
I feel like I've done something terrible, telling him I don't want to go out there, but I'm so tired of these games and this nonsense.
Is it so terribly wrong to want to protect my mental health and my son?
Why do I feel so damned guilty about erecting this boundary?
Is it so wrong that I want to feel good? I felt good earlier this week, now I don't feel like doing anything.
-
Tay,
NO is is not wrong. I can so recognize the slide into guilt and feeling bad. Try to tease the issues apart from one another.
Most of all, try to separate rational from irrational guilt, and also when shame and fear creep in.
When you say "I felt good earlier this week, now I don't feel like doing anything" what are the results? Who ultimately wins if you
end up feeling bad enough to hobble yourself? The spider, even if you are nowhere near the physical web.
Here's a protective circle in which to place the gains you have made for M and for yourself.
cats paw
-
My dad will do anything, anything to protect my mom. He would bend over backwards for her no matter how badly she treats him.
I told him I didn't like her calling M at daycare or school or anywhere but at my home. I think it's inappropriate.
I feel like I've done something terrible, telling him I don't want to go out there, but I'm so tired of these games and this nonsense.
Is it so terribly wrong to want to protect my mental health and my son?
Why do I feel so damned guilty about erecting this boundary?
Is it so wrong that I want to feel good? I felt good earlier this week, now I don't feel like doing anything.
Tayana,
I so know how you feel. I feel this all the time. I think we feel guilty because we have been trained to. We have been trained to feel responsible for others feelings. The truth is that we are not. I get confused here a lot with regards to my own varied situations. Try to trust that inner voice inside you. The one you heard earlier in the week. And call out the guilt and make it separate from you, so you can observe it and identify how truthful that feeling is.
It is difficult that your father will always protect your mother. How much easier this would be if he could see what you see. But you don't need him. If he does choose to try and understand your feelings, then he will only gain from that. I just don't think he can go against her. His losses would be to high.
I think it is about owning our lives and our choices. Trust that owning. Walk into that owning and anchor yourself to that power. It will help you trust your voice and trust your ability to handle the true mistakes you make ..... if and when you make them. You can always course correct in the owning. It is THAT voice that tells us truth about our falibility. Not the reactions of others -- which are usually about them and have little to do with us to begin with.
Detachment will help. Put up that bubble around you where your F's reactions bounce off. Observe them......if you need to to understand him. But they are not a reflection of who and what you are. It would be nice if he could give you validation. But it appears to me that too much of his own safety hangs in the balance. Or maybe his just confused by your comments and behavior and doesn't know what to do with that. (guessing.....) Or maybe he needs some time to process before he can see the truth about what is happening here.
Poppy
-
Dear Tayana,
I see you falling in to "predictable " patterns.I could see the 'guilt" coming. They have made their "move". Your old "counter move" would be guilt and THEN giving in. You are at a crucial "crossroads now(IMO).
i wanted to tell you about my F. He has seen the light( after 13 years). Last night I was asking him if he thought that he was wrong for sticking up for my M when she was hurting us. He said ,"Yes,he was wrong."
However, my point is that for my whole life he was the co-abuser. He would call up and "make everything all right".The price was "me" again( and everyone else)
Until he saw the light, he was a co-abuser. I think that your F is a co-abuser. I would just be careful of your "alliances " with him .I think that in the end ,he will chose her, which means against you ,unfortunately.
The stakes are high for your M b/c I don't think that anyone really ever went against her before.It is all new ground in your family,now.I would stay close to the board b/c the board will be the voice of sanity in an insane situation Love to You Ami Compost..............as usual
-
I did some work (gasp . . . at work). It did at least keep me from feeling too low, but now I'm back at my desk. And I don't feel so good.
I don't really feel guilty as much as I feel hurt. I'm just hurt that my parents don't think I matter. That everything I do is aimed at hurting or shaming them. I'd hoped my dad would be somewhat understanding, but he wasn't. He wouldn't even see my side of the story. He didn't want to listen how much my mother has hurt me, just told me to "work it out."
And why the hell does everyone call me at work . . .
Ami, you're right. I think my dad is a co-abuser because he just lets things go on, even though he knows it's wrong. He doesn't want to help me. It's fine for me to suffer through legal battles and try to deal with all of this alone. He doesn't want to hear my side of things.
I'm hurt that I'm made out to be the bad girl because I don't want to talk to my mother, who's very toxic and nasty, and I can't trust. I'm so tired of this. I'm just tired period.
I wish I could go home and just be alone for a little while.
-
Shunned, M and I are going to a party for his DARE group at school when I get him. We're having pizza, and then going over to the Target to get some Halloween stuff. I was pretty excited about it, now I don't really want to go.
I was reading about estranged families. It says that children of adult children estranged from their families are like to be estranged from their parents. That made me feel even worse. My mother is psycho and abusive and staying away from her means that my son will eventually be estranged from me? Somehow that doesn't seem right.
-
Don't believe some vague study about whether Michael will be estranged from you...that's just some study. You are not a statistic and neither is M!
Tay, I tuned into this:
I'm hurt that I'm made out to be the bad girl
Of course that's hurtful. Ultimately, though, the key thing is made out to be ___.
The strength you're growing inside, that you've taken such a HUGE step toward, that you're anchoring with every minute you don't fold and go crawling back for more abuse...you're just getting started. You ARE going to get comfortable with all this in time. You ARE going to feel peaceful with all these decisions in time. You ARE going to live in a new community with friends around you (and healthy mentors for M) in time.
This is all just very new. It's natural that you're going to have waves of hurt and fatigue. I just want to offer you this to hold onto: it IS going to get easier and better and then even GOOD, with time.
Meanwhile, you can take small chunks of time and small steps and hold your ground and soon you'll be standing on your new ground so firmly that you won't have to "hold on" to stay there. It'll be as natural to you as eating breakfast.
Trust yourself. You are living toward a happier future.
xo
Hops
-
Hi Tay,
Yes it hurts. It hurts deeply.
You may not be in a place where you can hear this right now because of the pain but please keep it in the back of your mind, it may help later.
The shift from guilt to hurt is a good one. Feeling hurt, as unbelievable as this will sound, is a good sign.
Guilt rises out of a feeling of having done something wrong. Hurt arises from having been wronged. It was the pain of the realization of how deeply I was betrayed that gave me the impetus to pull myself out of that toxic situation. In retrospect, I realize that without that pain, I would have stayed in the guilt stage having my buttons pushed and jumping through the endless hoops to try and make them happy – which will never happen.
Without that hurt, I would not have found the strength to say enough, no more. My life is mine. You have stolen my childhood, you have stolen my young adult life. No more – the rest of my life is mine.
It took awhile for me to work through the hurt – then the anger hit (I call it the black rage). I don’t know if this will be the same with you, but something that might come up. If the anger comes, use it. Use it to strengthen that determination to stay NC.
As far as your father saying that M must have misunderstood. My first reaction was puh-leaasssseeeee. I am sorry I hope that doesn’t offend. What possible reason would M have for saying something like that? I have no doubt he (your son) told you the truth.
As far as the days you need to find coverage for M. Do you have any local colleges? You might try contacting them for students who are in early learning education programs or in psychology majors who are looking for part time work. M might benefit, because you would have babysitters trained with Asperger’s and the cost might be reduced, especially if you can work it in with the college as credit for the students. Another resource might be Asperger’s groups. Professional babysitters might also be an option.
You said you don’t trust M to be alone with her. I agree. I never allowed unsupervised visits with my parents.
You also said:
any enthusiasm I felt for the holidays is totally gone now.
I had the same feeling. Last year was the first year that I did not spend the holidays with my FOO, after 40 some odd years. Instead of letting it get me down, I decided that it was going to be the year where we made our own traditions in my real family (h and kids). It was the best and most relaxing holiday I have ever had. And for the first time since I can remember, I am looking forward to the holidays this year.
This could be the first year to start traditions for you and M. Go to the store – have him help you buy decorations and decorate your house. Cook his favorite meal x-mas eve. Or, even go on a trip, just the 2 of you.
If you are worried about gifts for the holiday and want to be prepared just in case – you could get gift cards. If the NC has continued through the holidays (as I pray it will – I am sorry if that sounds harsh - I worry about you and M in contact with your Mother), spend the gift card on you or M, with the knowledge that you have earned that gift (over a lifetime!).
Better yet – I say take the money you would have spent on gifts and put it toward a professional babysitter to stay with M on those days that you don’t have coverage.
Tay – my heart is breaking for you and M. I so understand everything you are going through. It is ugly, there is no way around the ugly except to say it is what it is.
It gets easier with time. You have made so many changes in a short period of time – and have done a wonderful job of it. Please be gentle with yourself right now.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tayana))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
PS: You said: She's made it clear she thinks I'm the devil's spawn. I had a laugh at this one (dark humor) - my immediate thought was .......guess that makes her the devil – eh?
-
Hops, FP, thanks for the advice. I just sat with my journal and thought about how I was really feeling tonight. It was sort of a combination of hurt, sad, abandoned, and angry. No guilt. I don't feel guilty, just hurt and sad. I am feeling pretty low tonight. I guess I'm pretty disappointed too. I'd hoped my dad would be more sympathetic, not just say, "i don't know what to tell you, you're going to have to patch things up with your mother eventually."
But I don't want to, because I don't see what there is to patch up. This is all some delusion of my mom's, and I'm tired of this game.
Hops said:
The strength you're growing inside, that you've taken such a HUGE step toward, that you're anchoring with every minute you don't fold and go crawling back for more abuse...you're just getting started. You ARE going to get comfortable with all this in time. You ARE going to feel peaceful with all these decisions in time. You ARE going to live in a new community with friends around you (and healthy mentors for M) in time.
I do feel stronger. I don't feel like I can face my parents, and I certainly don't think I could deal with seeing them right now, but I'm getting there. I'm looking into some social groups or something where I might be able to meet people. I wish I lived in a more liberal area, and not such a conservative one.
It took awhile for me to work through the hurt – then the anger hit (I call it the black rage). I don’t know if this will be the same with you, but something that might come up. If the anger comes, use it. Use it to strengthen that determination to stay NC.
I've been angry. I was so angry when I moved because I'd just found out about the financial mess my mother had made for me, and that there was a possibility my wages would be garnished for something I didn't even owe. I'm familiar with this one. I did pretty well until I got settled and none of the things I was afraid of came to pass, then I started to feel guilty. I got moved, and the first session with my T after moving, I totally fell apart because my mother had made me feel so guilty.
I can make M go to the daycare all day. He won't like it, but we can try it. It might go better than I think. I like your suggestion though.
I don't think M misunderstood either. I think he heard exactly what he told me. He interprets things very literally, and so I'm sure of what he heard. He doesn't usually lie either.
This could be the first year to start traditions for you and M. Go to the store – have him help you buy decorations and decorate your house. Cook his favorite meal x-mas eve. Or, even go on a trip, just the 2 of you.
I wanted to do this, but I don't have the energy. I had planned to decorate for Halloween and fall and everything, but now I just don't feel like it. Thinking of the holidays just makes me sad. Maybe it'll get better, like you said. Your holiday sounds wonderful.
I decided I want to spend my weekend making the apt. pretty. Hang some more curtains, that sort of thing. I'm tired of the bedrooms looking a mess and only half lived in. I just won't think about my parents and concentrate on positive things. Maybe I'll try that fish recipe out and see if M will eat it.
-
Tay... I think you're going to continue to bang your head up against that unsatisfying wall.... of your father and mother's... until you finally understand that it's never going to change.
You get a little time away and the hope sneaks back in.
Then you get knocked back again.... then the hope sneaks back in.
The saying.... 'it's hope that kills us' makes so much sense.
It sounds like you're father is completely under your mother's spell. He just felt her irrational wrath over the imagined visit with you (like that was some punishable crime if it DID happen) and even now he's defending her, at M's expense: (
M's not safe with your mother..... even when your father's around.
No more visits with her for M, I'm afraid. She called it herself. You don't even have to explain it to M. She did it for you.
You have new winter coats. It doesn't seem like there's any reason at all to go back to that house.
If you do take a truck and try to load up, don't be surprised if she pulls some outrageous stunt, like calling the cops, to throw you off.
I hope you can just walk away from the stuff, and not be too bothered.
I think you and your brother have it right.... she's her wheels are coming off. M's too important to be in or neat that cart, IMO.
So are you ((tay))
-
LIghter, I'm starting to understand that things aren't going to change. I sort of hoped they would, I guess. I thought maybe when I told my father about my mother's latest stunt that he'd be angry, instead he was sitting in the room with her. He condoned her actions. It's not respectful to me or to M. I did get a little bit of hope, and I just ended up getting hurt.
I was reading this morning about putting distance between me and my FOO. I'm going to work on it with my T. I do have to think about my stuff, there's some things I do want, like some boxes of pictures and things like that.
I felt yucky this morning, kind of sick, but I think it was side effect from my medication, and that I stayed up too late watching a video. I don't feel as depressed though. M and I are going to a Halloween Party later today.
-
Hi Tay,
Just wanted you to know I am thinking about you tonight and hope that you are doing better.
You said that you were feeling a combination of hurt, sad, abandoned, and angry.
This reminds me of how I feel when I grieve.
What you are going through is so hard; giving up that hope that things can get better is so very hard.
You are so strong Tay - in so many ways. You will get through this period, and I know once you get over this hurdle it will get better.
Take care of you,
Peace
-
Thanks, FP, I feel a little better, not great. I have to admit that I didn't really feel like doing a whole today, and I didn't really. Although I did buy some books . . . I didn't really need books, but I got sort of carried away.
I nobly refrained from buying any house stuff. I have a tendency to want to spend money when I'm down, and so I have to weigh each purchase, "am I really going to use/read/wear this?" otherwise I feel worse about spending the money. House stuff and clothes seem to be the things that I do it the most with. So, although I looked, I chose to wait on those purchases. I'm working really hard on this.
I don't know that I can call what I'm feeling grieving. I suppose it is in a way.
-
Well Tay –
Had a visit from the old black rage today. I had a very similar experience to the one you had recently.
My mother dropped by today with no advanced warning.
She came into my house uninvited. I was upstairs working and did not go downstairs.
She had presents for the girls.
She went back outside with the girls. The door was open. She started talking very loudly (most likely in the hopes that I would hear), and said:
"I miss you girls terribly. I keep asking for a visit but your mother won’t allow it."
"[4 yo daughter's name] your cousin misses you sooooo much and really wants to see you but your mother won't allow it."
She left shortly after dropping those 2 lovely little bombs (and before I could calm down enough to politely ask her to remove herself from my property and to never return).
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Still shaking my head - they never do change. It doesn't surprise me so much anymore. Now to, once again, clean up the mess she leaves behind. Unfortunately for her - this will backfire, because now I will have to explain (in an age appropriate way if possible :?) why I don't allow them to go visit her.
At first I was thinking about writing a blistering e-mail to inform her that she is never to come to my house, ever. Came to my senses tho - if I send that, no matter what it says, she will just see it as a crack in the door to try and sssssslither her way back in.
I am considering a restraining order tho - I wonder if that will work. Will have to look into it.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
(are you doing ok today? I and glad you took some time for yourself. I love escaping into books, it used to be the only way to quiet my mind - very relaxing.)
[On edit: Sorry for venting on your thread!]
-
It says that children of adult children estranged from their families are like to be estranged from their parents.
More likely because many who are estranged are not striving to help themselves and live in resentment. You are devoting your life to make things better for your son and yourself. Your son will not be estranged from you. You are a devoted mother. You are often overly critical of your mothering. Do you think you mother has EVER judged her mothering harshly? She has never bothered to consider her mothering at all. You worry yourself sick about each thing you do as a mother. You love your son and you care and he knows that. I don't believe that children become alienated from loving, devoted mothers.
-
I tried to respond here last night, but the board kept timing out. I'm not sure what was up with that.
FP, please vent away, I don't mind at all. I've heard comments just like the ones your mother said, and I know all about doing damage control after a visit. Some of my favorites:
"Grandma just misses you so much, she doesn't know what to do without you."
"Grandma just feels sick when you aren't here."
"Grandma's just so lonely without you." This one had my son trying to think of ways to keep her from being lonely. He was going to invent a robot so she wouldn't be lonely.
I'm doing better now, after the shock of this incident last week and talking to my father. I won't say that I feel great, but I feel better than I did on Friday, where I really wanted to cry. Today, I just have a sort of blah feeling. My brother and I talked last night. We agreed that he wasn't going to pass along anymore information to my parents, and I said I wasn't going to call. His exact words were, "I guess they can sit out there all alone. That must be what they want because they've alienated everyone else.
-
Thanks Tay for not minding about the vent!
How are you doing? Been extremely busy here.
You know what I realized after the incubator dropped in the other day? I was only upset for a couple of hours. (At first I was so angry I was literally shaking with rage.) My H and I were talking, and he said that I would have been upset for days only a year ago.
I am thinking this is progress? Yeah! Sometimes I don't realize how much I have changed since I went NC - but so many of those negative emotions that I feared I would have for the rest of my life have gone away, or have substantially decreased. It does get easier and better with time.
So, 3 weeks and counting eh? I think it is time to give yourself a reward for doing so well! That first month is extremely hard - but, it well get easier.
((((Hugs)))))
Peace
-
Peace..... amazing the the sense of entitlement these people have.
She marches into your home and distresses your children while trying to control you back into more of the same treatment.
CFB!
Ahhhhh.... now I'm horribly reminded of the holidays, where I get to deal with family who drives me up a tree :shock:
When Halloween goes, my very very favorite of holidays..... then the BAD holidays are just around the corner: (
I think I'll have Halloween again, instead of Thanksgiving and Christmas.....
I'm about tired of celebrating the birth of Santa anyways.
Ummm.... that was a joke.
-
Lighter, the birth of Santa . . . I love it!
Do you know how much I've come to loathe holidays? Especially Christmas?
Of course, for my birthday last year my M just gave me back some pieces of jewelry I'd given her, saying they were going to be mine eventually so she decided to give them to me now.
FP, this Sunday will be officially 1 month. It's really hard to believe, but it's been a month since I've talked to her, and longer since I've seen her. I can't believe it.
-
Dear Tayana,
You seem so much better, generally, since you went NC.The jewelry present is funny. My M sent me some necklaces that she bought in Italy for my birthday. Then, she decided that she wanted them back b/c she really liked them . So, after she sent them, she took them back when she came to visit.
I have been NC for 2 days.
It is great about sending 2 books to the publisher. Bravo to you, Tayana.
Love Ami
-
Ami, my M did something similar. She'd had me repair a necklace for her, then gave it back because she didn't like the repair, then when I move, demanded it back because she didn't think I would ever get it done.
How nice of her.
She actually asked for a lot of things back. The things she didn't ask for back, I conveniently left behind. I'd actually like to give her some of the stuff I have now back. Of course she won't hear of that.
Hooray for you, Ami on NC. It feels good doesn't it.
-
Hey Lighter,
I think I know what that CFB means (but that "C" could have a number of different interpretations - most of which fit the situation - ha!) (Sorry - a little dark humor there.)
I used to loathe the holidays as well, but since NC, well - for the first time I actually look forward to them. We spend Christmas Eve at home and have the kids favorite meals - and it is so much fun to watch them bounce off the walls with excitement. We spend Christmas day with the in-laws who are incredibly nice people. My FIL has taught me the true meaning of what a father is.
I love the idea of a Halloween T-day and Halloween Christmas. Could put the turkey in costume, and make the cranberry sauce look like blood (maybe some fake floating eyeballs?). Can just see the chewing wasps, scrunched up prune face on my mother at the thought of not doing everything properly. Reminds me of one year when I was a kid and I ruined her entire T-day because I put my turkey on bread with gravy (instead of having a nice little pile of turkey with a smidgeon of gravy - her reaction - you would have thought I was a cave-child - it was just sooooo uncouth you know to eat turkey on bread at the formal dining room table :roll: )
On edit: Yikes - now I am remembering the time she set up a card table for the kids to eat at (ages 1-5), with a table cloth, and set the fine china in it. (And we are talking antique china plates and crystal glasses from the late 1800's) - she was so mad at me when I removed the table cloth (just the thing for a child just learning to walk to grab to pull up to a standing position) and took the fine china away - I am so glad I won't have to deal this year!!!! :shock: :shock:
But back to the holidays. I am thinking for Christmas, you could hang spider webs and spiders on the tree and make candy ornaments (kids would love the candy at least). Wrap the presents in scary paper. Hmmmm - you are giving me ideas here. Sounds like a lot of fun to mix it up a little - although my kids might be disappointed (at least about Christmas).
Tay - you sound great. I am so happy that things are improving for you. Congratulations on getting the books off to the publishers!
Peace
-
I just pictured a hanging Santa..... You know those spider webs? They'd be perfect to cacoon our stuffed santa suit and suspend him in? Perfect but for the kids :shock:
YOur mother sounds like a true piece of work Peace. Can you imagine the trouble she would have been when her fine china went smashing, had you left it there?
What a set up.... she probably didn't even realize she was doing it. Just so preoccupied with how things look, no matter the reality.
-
Oh LIghter, I love that idea. Instead of a Christmas tree, we could get one of those spooky bare trees and hang bizarre "nightmare before Christmas" decorations on it.
-
Yes yes yes tay! And no pine needles to deal with either! Whoo hoo!
::Elvis singing::
Here comes Santa Clause, Here comes Santa Clause...
right down Santa Clause lane.....
Vixen
and Blitzen and all his reindeer
pullin back in vane
He should a veered left instead of right
now....
the Spider's got Santa to-night....
Here come Santa Clause, here come Santa Clause....
wigglin in his web.....
-
Oh, maybe instead of reindeer we could have garden gnomes or little goblins pulling the sleigh.
-
I have gargoyles...... they'd be great little sleigh pullin slaves!
-
Perfect Lighter! And instead of angels and stars on top of our dead tree we could have a little devil and hang misshapen balls on it for ornaments.
I could really get into this.
I'm not sure M will go for it, but I could.
-
For the top of my tree..... A little skeleton in a santa cape and hat. Should be easy enough to cut and glue out of red felt topped and trimmed in cotton balls.
Maybe some little black barbie boots, if I can find them.
I know which box the skeletons are in ::nod::
I'll paint all my cheap Walmart green glass balls black and that should do it as far as the tree goes.
Hmmmm...nope.... I'll just put on the red ornaments, to match skeleton santa's cape, and that matches the Living room and kitchen so voila!
I HAVE A PLAN!
My 7yo's spanish class did a lot of projects with skeletons last week. It'll roll right into Christmas nicely: )
Deck the halls with bowes of Hemlock..... Fa la la la la.... la la la la.....
Tis the season to be jolly... Fa la la la la.... la la la la...
-
Oh skeletons!
Maybe I'll do my tree all in witch stuff. Witch's hats. Witch's brooms. Wands. Cauldrons . . .
After all . . . my family thinks I'm a witch.
No wait . . . they think I'm something else, something that starts with a B.
-
Oh oh oh.... I just love my keeping room bookcases topped with witches hats and other cool alchemist type things.
I'm sooo happy to be able to get the witches hats BACK out and use them through Christmas!
I think doing your tree in witches and skeletons sounds about right.....
I bet there's a big sale on skeletons all over town if you look; )
-
And M would be ecstatic if we did spiders everywhere too . . . THey had this giant one at the grocery. It was marked down. I should see how much it is.
Oh maybe we could have a Christmas spider instead of a tree.
-
If it warms M's heart to fill the tree with spiders..... then spiders it should be.
Sales sales everywhere...... and he can make some cut out ones too!
-
:D :D :D :D :D
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Now THIS sounds like a Christmas to make a chld happy!
Tay I am totally in awe of your Mom-ness.
Spider-cake, with holly!
A stocking stuck in a spider web!
(Have to surprise him with something.)
wish I could be THERE Christmas morning!
hugs
Hops PS: You can make your own with cotton batting found in the crafts department.
-
They sell divinely sticky spider's webb all over the place. Tons in a bag and cheap cheap cheap.
I'm wrapping Santa in it this year, and hanging him in the entrance hall: )