Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Lupita on October 27, 2007, 02:04:59 AM
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Was wandering what is my contribution to this kind of problems. Why an I always in trouble? Is this normal to everybody? Am I doing something bad?
I left the book club, another church, another job for the same reasons. Maybe I need to stay here and overcome the problem to feel some kind of stability. I do not know what to do.
I left my family, my hometown, all for the same reasons. I have been running away from problems instead of solving them and staying.
They do not like me, I leave. People do not like me and I leave. That is what I do.
I should not care if the like me or not. Should I?
It started when I finished medical school. I went to Moscow to study music in revenge to my supervisor for favoring somebody else unfairly. I left my hometown in rancher of my mother. I went to nother city in revenge of somebody else. I left my book club in revenge of my nacissistic friends, I left a church in revenge of the stupid pastor and choir director. I did the same with other job too.
Now I am doing a good job in this school although I am not appreciated. Am I going to be appreciated somewhere else? I do not think so. Normally, bosses do not give positive reinforcement. They just keep you and that is enough to know that you are doing a good job.
Here, Mr. V wants me to stay, the accountant wants me to stay and they are the most important people in the church and the school. The custodios love me and do constant help to me.
Why should I leave because of a group of imbecils?
Please, help me God.
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So tired of running. So tired of being. So tired of existing.
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Lupita,
I think you are onto something of monumental importance. It is so hard to look at our own contributions to our life's problems in a calm way, in a way that does not then cause other life problems.
You have listed many situations, and they all seem to have similar themes. Would it be possible for you to start with one past situation and write about it, with special NON-judgemental attention to the thoughts and feelings you had and the choices you made?
Stay calm with this Lupita. You seemed calm when you listed the situations in your post.
Just a suggestion, Lupita. I do think you are at an important crossroad, and there are many ways to deal with it.
cats paw
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Dear Lupita,
I have felt like this, too... and done some of the same things. Just want you to know that I think you are facing issues with such maturity, honesty, and fairness and I'm certain that the answers you seek are very near. So I add to your prayer... please help us, God.
Cats Paw is right, I think... remain calm. To me, the key is learning to stop picking up offenses and just choosing to let them lie on the ground.
Love to you, Lupita, and blessings,
Carolyn
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Well... it's a refreshing viewpoint.
It may even hold the key to overcoming and finding more satisfaction in all walks of your life.
Wouldn't it be something if the way you carried yourself, the energy you put off...... had something to do with all this?
If you've ever watched Cesar Millon, the Dog Whisperer.... you can see how different energy affects dogs..... immediately.
No doubt our energy sends signals to other human animals, as well.
Sounds like you're on to something.
Time to stop and do some figuring.
Pull back.... gain some emotional distance and think about problem solving..... not condemning yourself for changes you need to explore.
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Dear Lupita,
Likewise .... in my life, I have done the same, come up to the hurdle that faced me and choose to run away from it instead of working my way over it. Only to find the same hurdle facing me again at some later along my life journey.
Your posting today is wonderfully transparent, honest and yes, mature, and I also feel that you are now facing a very important 'hurdle' in your life.
Do not be afraid Lupita, stay calm, for you are beginning to see much in the way of how to deal with this 'hurdle' in your life.
Carolyn's advice is just right for you, the key is; "to stop picking up offenses and simply choose to let them lie on the ground."
Try not to take everyday offenses on board - they get too heavy to carry.
Be sparing with the amount of personal private information you give away - sometimes people have no need to know.
You're on the right track Lupita.
You remain in my thoughts and prayers.
Love & Hugs to you,
Leah
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At least I am not the only one. It seems that several people in this board identify with my situation. And yes, I might be on to something.
I find somebody does not like me and I get scared and I get upset, and I sotp thinking clearly and I make mistakes, and I run away.
Of course, in another place, job or church, or club or dance school, I will find somebody who does not like me, then I get upset, stop thinking clearly, make mistakes bla bla and finally leave.
I have been doing that for 30 years, started at 20 and I am 50 now.
Guess the counselor that Mr. V got me for half price, will help me. I will see her the 8th of november at 4 pm.
I know she is going to say that I run away trying not to get hurt.
The problem is I should not get hurt because somebody does not like me. I should aquire the skills to deal with people who do not like me and the skills to respond to bullies that are all over the world and do not let them damage me.
Let us see if she can help.
Does anybody know of seminaries about more assertiveness, and how to deal with bullies? Social skills? etc?
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Dear Lupita,
That's wonderful news --- the counsellor that Mr. V got you for half price, certainly will be of help to you. And you will see her on the 8th of November at 4 pm which is only a few days away.
Please don't focus on the last 30 years --- instead choose to look ahead to the next third of your life.
A future in which you can make fresh choices and decisions as you are equipped with a better understanding and skills to handle the situations that we all are faced with during our life journey.
Take each session one at a time --- just one step at a time.
The counsellor will be aware of assertiveness courses and social skills courses available near you.
Running away is never the answer --- because the answer is within ourself --- we cannot run away from ourself.
Prayerfully thinking of you.
Love & Hugs,
Leah
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We can't run away from ourselves??? Dang it !! :D
Lupita,
You are not alone!! I have done this myself. I have spent a lot of time thinking about my common denominator contributions to my problems. And I love what others have said about energy. I think energy is really powerful. I think it generates from the words we use to describe our problems and our attitudes about them too. I was just reading something that Carolyn added to the "What Helps" page. It said to give our problems to God and devote our energies to faith in His abilities to make change. Everytime I have done this in my life, he has helped make situations better than I ever thought. I am doing it now with most of my life....(you probably don't sense much faith through all the whining :), but it is there. ::wink::. But, I really tried that again this week. I was feeling really down and really alone. I told God that I what I couldn't do and asked him to help me with it. The events of this weekend were all blessings. I won't take the time to share. They were no big deal to anyone else. But to me, they were meaningful. I know HE is helping you with these difficult people and sounds like blessing you with people who DO like you to counter-balance the not so nice ones.
I think you are doing really wonderful. God must be guiding you to understand certain things about yourself. I will be interested to see what comes of it. Let me know if you find anything that really works for you. I still have so much to learn.
Love Poppy
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give our problems to God and devote our energies to faith in His abilities to make change. Everytime I have done this in my life, he has helped make situations better than I ever thought.
Assuredly true! Trusting in God according to His will. Nothing greater :)
Love
Leah
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One of the biggest problems I have found as a daughter of an N mother, is craving for aproval. When we crave for aprovam from others we are giving them power over us.
I need not to care.
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I am an approval junkie too! You are right. It really does give them power over us. That's gotta stop for me, you know what I am saying????
Poppy
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I can relate. Seems like I was always getting hurt or left out. Then I married a n. My survival and sanity has come through reaching out to others for support and guidance. I know my attitude and perspective are mine alone, and I am responsible for them and my choices. It takes work everyday for me. I am new here and I am already finding strength and support. Keep sharing.
BR
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The worst is when that carving for aproval is uncontrolable, compulsive and upseting. For example. Mr. V was in my class on Friday as it was Grnad parent's day and I have his grand daughter. We sang for him and he made a very good speech for us and I forgot to say thank you. We snag again and he left with a smile, but he did not say I enjoyed or this is a nice class, he just left smiling, but I felt it was a bad smile, but he sometimes he does not compliment to control, to keep you in the empty, and he has been a rpincipal for 44 years so he knows that I was craving fro aproval, and he did not give it to me.
So I cant stop thinking of him, my ex boss, and he has so much power in our church and our school and I love him so much. He did not say what i wanted to hear.
I gave him power over me.
Same when somebody dislikes us and we run away. We are gicing them power over us. And I keep doing it compulsively.
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the fear, the shame and the crave for aproval. All mexed together. A recipy for desaster.
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Warning: Sermonette 8)
It's really difficult for me to wrap my mind around it, but in my heart I really do know that there's only one viewpoint/ opinion in all of creation which holds eternal value.
What helps me to hold this truth in the front of my conscious mind, where it can act as a filter for all the flighty emotions which can brew up at a moment's notice, is to think of what it means to be a new creation in Christ. That means a whole new family! Biological family stuff is of the flesh and that's all part of the me who is no more...
Here's what I meditate on, from Colossians 3:
1 Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ (and YES, I have!!),
keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.
2 Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth.
3 For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God.
I hope that helps others, too...
With love,
Carolyn
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Lupita
I see you have a history of running away, but remember wherever you go, there you are. So it means you must change within yourself.
I gave him power over me.
Same when somebody dislikes us and we run away. We are giving them power over us. And I keep doing it compulsively.
Yes! you give everyone power over you.
As good a person as you see yourself and how others have seen you and complimented you, there is still something missing within you.
I am thinking on this right now, for when I did the running away, and am coming up with facing the people you need to and tell them your truth!
Maybe not but I think of changing and how she was so open with her profs etc. at school. You don't sneeze at the truth!
The running must stop. The fear must be dealt with and made to disappear. What is your fear? That they won't like you?--if so, it will show in your body language, your voice.......
If they have already said they like you and that you do well, do you think they lie???? or tell the truth????
There is a lot of work to reach the point whereby you love yourself and approve of you and your work, and are indifferent to what others say/think!
Good Luck
Izzy
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lots of food for thoughts. But everybody says what has to be done. Nobody says how.
How.
Love your self.
How?
Nurture your self.
How?
Stand up for our self.
How?
enforce your baudaries.
How?
Etc etc etc.
Deal with the fear.
How?
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Dear Carolyn,
Thank you for your timely 'semonette' :
It's really difficult for me to wrap my mind around it, but in my heart I really do know that there's only one viewpoint/ opinion in all of creation which holds eternal value.
What helps me to hold this truth in the front of my conscious mind, where it can act as a filter for all the flighty emotions which can brew up at a moment's notice, is to think of what it means to be a new creation in Christ. That means a whole new family! Biological family stuff is of the flesh and that's all part of the me who is no more...
Here's what I meditate on, from Colossians 3:
1 Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ (and YES, I have!!),
keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.
2 Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth.
3 For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God.
Truly is very much appreciated - a new creation in Christ.
Dear Izzy,
I see you have a history of running away, but remember wherever you go, there you are. So it means you must change within yourself.
Thank you for your wise affirmation.
Dear Lupita,
... Never be afraid to trust an unknown future
to a known God.
~ Corrie Ten Boom ~
You can read Corrie Ten Boom's true life story (THE HIDING PLACE)
on http://www.soon.org.uk/true_stories/holocaust.htm (http://www.soon.org.uk/true_stories/holocaust.htm)
Prayerfully thinking of you Lupita & may the full Grace of God be yours.
Love & Hugs to everyone.
Leah
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Lupita..... you've given some pretty good advice here.
You've been able to see what someone else should do..... bc you weren't so close to their problem.... you had insights about it from where you were standing.
Try to pull back from your situation, gain some distance if you can..... look down from far above.... and picture someone else in your situation.
Take into consideration all the advice already given by others.
What advice would you give to that person?
Can you see how they might begin to acheives some of those goals?
You can acheive those goals too..... fake it till ya make it and fake believing you're worthy till you feel it.
You'll get used to it eventually and it will feel more natural with some practice, however forced in the beginning.
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Dear Lupita,
I had a shift in to loving myself.I feel that I do love myself more.now.
I will tell you the things that I did that I think are responsible for that shift.
I forced myself to face the truth about my life as honestly as I could.
I forced myself to share deep emotions and thoughts on the board,.
I tried to change self hating behavior to self loving behavior( forcing myself to do it)
I forced myself to do the inner child exercises,even though I did not want to feel all that pain
i reached out to God and asked him to reach back.
I tried to really,really feel God's unconditional love for me.
I made myself go out of my comfort zone when I didn't want to.
After these steps,I started seeing myself as separate from my M's view of me.
This is just a start for me,but I felt an internal shift,so loving myself should get easier. Love Ami
((((((((((((((((((Lupita))))))))))))))))))))))
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lots of food for thoughts. But everybody says what has to be done. Nobody says how.
How.
Love your self.
How?
Nurture your self.
How?
Stand up for our self.
How?
enforce your boundaries.
How?
Etc etc etc.
Deal with the fear.
How?
Lupita, I don't think there is a formula. I think you just do it.....and then do it again and again. Say to yourself everything you want others to say. If you are hungry you give yourself food.....but if you love yourself, you give yourself the best most nutritious food. If you need validation, or praise or recognition or a complement about your beautiful new coat, then give it to yourself with absolutely no guilt and no shame. They are absolutely not allowed. They will come, like the mold that keeps growing back in the shower. But we have to kill it at the first sign and never entertain it.
Give to yourself as if YOU were someone else....... who always got the very best of what they needed in every moment. I am just deciding that I am sick of everything else. Sick of needing everyone else to remind me every day in their every action and facial expression that I am good. So much of people's behavior has nothing to do with anybody but them. I wonder about this man you struggle with. What if his trials were so much worse than yours and he never had a friend to help him deal. In any case, his actions are about him. Not you. Set yourself free of him. I don't think we need from others what we think we need. I remember times when I did get the recognition or did get the kudos. I remember feeling like it wasn't enough. That I needed more. or that I couldn't trust it and needed further conformation. The tiger is NEVER satisfied. Until....... we give to ourselves. Then we give to others in purity. Not out of need or manipulation to feed the tiger.
I am sick of living my life constantly hungry for the love and recognition and praise and forgiveness and etc etc etc. I am learning by doing. Kinda like how do you ride a bike? You just get on and start to peddle. If you are too scared and go slow, the bike won't go and you fall. I think it is the same thing here.
Getting on the bike is self caring thoughts and actions. Boundaries are the same thing. They are a series of choices about how we treat ourselves and how we protect ourselves from the behavior of others. I am noticing too....that after I erect one boundary successfully, that others show themselves to me. One by one...like reading a book. The more I listen to my inner voice, the more it teaches me the next step.
If we have to feel the fear....then sobeit. But, focusing on the other stuff is where we consciencely put our energy. I have come to the conclusion that is must be a deliberate choice and even commitment to do when the fear, temptation, old buttons come a calling. Cuz they will, of course. Then, it is all about the consistent practice and continuous re correction when we don't do so well one day.
I was thinking, Lupita, of all the people you love so much and you want their love in return. I have decided for myself that all those wants in me are completely out of my control. I can't expect them. I can only be grateful for it when and if it comes and for how long it comes. The rest of the time, I have to do it myself. It is the work God can't do. Because He can't make the choice. But if it is a healthy choice or a correct path, I think he strengthens and blesses and moves mountains. But he won't mess with the free will thing. And this issue is all about choice.
How do we deal with fear? We deal with FAITH! Faith in God and his goodness and faith in ourselves and the goodness He put into us when he created us. He didn't put us here alone. He gave each of us a voice inside to follow. One that would know the rights and the wrongs. That is the voice we can trust because it came from Him. It is the alarm that goes off when we are violated. And it will always be there if we listen to it. That is why shame and guilt are bad and why codep is bad. They kill the voice.
Poppy
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Lots of really good pointers here Lately, I notice that when I feel criticized i start to feel about four years old. Suddenly, I am no longer an adult who can solve problems or cope. I really want to quit my job and run away then. My counsellor says that I need to nourish that inner child and when I don't then she makes a terrible ruckus and I end up having to take care of myself intensely for awhile. Otherwise I would run away too I am so tired of running and somehting tells me that the geographical cure doesn't work.
So right now I care about what I think of myself. I am turning down the volume on what others think of me. That is a life sucking habit. I say to myself over and over all the affirmations we know so well. Gradually, they begin to work.
I stop rescuing other people and start taking care of myself. This is new for me. It feels awkward but I am getting better slowlyl
Love
Sea storm
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If you have the flu and a person tells you you should deal with it, you should overcome it, you shouel feel well. And then you say, how?
Yeah, good avises, if I knew how, I would not be here asking.
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I know it's hard Lupita..... I know you're struggling right now.
Everyone can tell you how they've overcome some tough times, how they're doing it now..... but they can't tell you exactly how to do it for yourself.
Part of the lessons come from taking leaps of faith in yourself.
We all have patterns....
Shen we want to make changes.... we stop doing all the things we were doing.... and do something different.
It may not be the same things for all people.
What can you do differently that might have some positive impact on your life?
Learning to be more assertive, in a proactive way, would seem to be an option.
Learning how to calm yourself down and not get so stressed, much easier said than done I know but..... it's a work in progress for us all.
I hope you have a better day today, Lupita.
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Dear Lupita,
My S(older) and I had a great talk yesterday.We were talking about power. He is a manager at a restaurant and goes to college.
We were saying that you HAVE to have your own power or you WILL get bullied---EVERYWHERE.
Not to bring up an old dead horse--but you can get bullied on boards about voicelessness.
So, if you want to change your life,you HAVE to find that inner core where there IS power. You have it,Lupita. We all do.
We had such bad M's that they STOLE it from us. They destroyed that core that is our birthright.
I understand how you got like a "wet noodle" BUT I am telling you,as a friend , that you HAVE to do what is needed to find that part of you that can defend your space in this world.
No one should endure a M like yours. Lupita .,Your M made mine look wonderful. Your M deserves her own room in Hell and I hope that she gets it(even though I probably should not say that)
Lupita, I think that if you could really get a deep, deep revelation of how much God loves you,you could heal. I am getting a lot of head knowlege go in my heart about how much God loves me. I am "feeling" what He did to show His love for me.
I did suffer in order to find Him. However,it was so small compared to what He did for me and how much He loves me.This is a heart revelation, though.
If it is not felt in the heart,it is useless words.
I will keep praying for you. My S and I pray for you. Love Ami
(((((((((((((((((Lupita))))))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((Lupita)))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Dear Lupita,
You only have a few days to go till you meet with your Counsellor for your first session --- on the 8th of November at 4 pm.
Engaging with support and insight on a Face-to-Face basis with your Counsellor will hopefully be beneficial for you.
There is no magic formula or get it sorted quick fix method.
How about doing a little preparation work in the meantime --- maybe just brief bullet points to begin with
You could take this along with you to your Counselling sessions.
For example, maybe just 2 columns headed up 'When this happens' + 'This is how I think or feel'
Just a thought.
Prayerfully thinking of you ((( Lupita )))
Love & Peace for you,
Leah
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Lup: I haven't read this whole thread so if I say something similar to what others said, sorry for the redundency. It seems to me that we all have some aura around us which attracts certain kinds of people to us, etc. For instance. You never seem to see a real functional person who is drawn to a real dysfunctional person. For me, I attract men who addictions. The last two - alcoholics. The first H was a sex addict. (He would mess things up and then run away - his pattern is still playing out all these years later.....)
Like my aunt. She comes across VERY defensive. She is so afraid that her persona might be altered that if anyone mentions anything she does wrong - out comes her defenses. And she is also a victim. If someone has the audacity to confront her with a mistake, then she runs to my mom and says "poor me, poor me!" But she has learned over the years to only go where she has someone to protect her. Both this job and the one before that had my mom there to take care of her. In fact, she is spending her retirement because I think she figures my mom will bail her out if she is poor.
Anyway, all that to say that maybe you are putting yourself in a position to be bullied. Maybe you go into a job and don't show them confidence. Maybe you come across as defensive or argumentative in an attempt to have a voice. Maybe you are being discriminated against.
I do not know if you are any of those things, but you have to figure out what you are and what you do....
It reminds me of a scene in a TV show I watch. These two people meet in therapy. They start dating and eventually end up in bed together. After they "do it" she asks him why he is in therapy. He says "after I sleep with a woman I lose total interest in them......what are you in therapy for." And she says, "I pick the wrong men."
I thought that was such a good scene. It points to me and it points to you and it points to all of us. We tend to make the same mistakes over and over again.
So the question is. Can you identify what you do to bring this victimization on? And can you identify what happens to make you run away? Then can you take steps to correct these behaviors??
(((LUP)))))))
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Poppy,
That is one of the most beautiful, resonant posts I have ever read.
There is enormous clarity and power wrung from what you have achieved.
Thank you so very much for writing it.
I am humbled by your maturity.
This, to me, is what wholeness sounds like.
love,
Hops
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Lupita,
I think you have to imagine it the way you would a new dance...see it physically.
For example, would you try this?
Imagine a person you know to be good, and innocent, and who is suffering.
Imagine you care about this person. Picture the person in your mind's eye.
Think about THEM for a while, not yourself. Just let your mind go toward
them in compassion. Your heart. Not in anguish, but in deep compassion.
Sit with that feeling for this other person...
Now, as you would move your arm in a graceful arc while dancing, a simple move,
not theatrical, keep it simple simple...
Just turn this compassion around as though you were controlling a beam of light.
A simple warm beam.
Send it into your own chest.
Do this every morning and every night.
You will feel better.
love,
Hops
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Hops, that gave me chills.... what a nice visual.
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Obviously all of you guys, are at a superior stage of development, upper level. I am just starting to descover what is going on. So, the compassion for my slef I compare it with pity parties, I cannt sya poor me poor me because that makes me feel worse. I want to kick ass, to be strong, to fight the bullies. If I say poor me I wont do well.
Hop, am I misreading? For the first time I feel that I do not understand you my friends.
Nurture my self, is that going in the mirror and say how wonderful I am?
Maybe saying that I am a good teacher, a deam good eacher a hell of a good teacher, and nobody ever says anything about that. I work hard for my students, my students learn, I do not play games with them I mean psychological games, my grading system is transparent, they see their exams thei share so they know I am not being unfair, still I get so much crtiizism and they almost got rid of me.
I am never going to be appreciated in that school or in any school. Kids do not appreciate anybody, not even their parents.
So, just to know that I am a good teacher should be enough. I know. I am good. I do not need to be told that I am good, I know it.
Information that you already know you do not need to ne told about it.
I am not an abandoned baby. Life sucks.
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Hey Lupita:
Hops wants you to have empathy for yourself, not pity. Big difference.
She wants you to support yourself the same way you would support her or me or Iphi if you saw us in this same scenario.
I'm curiouse.... what would you suggest to me if I was in your shoes?
What advice would you give Lighter?
You believe I'm worthy of decent treatment, yes?
What would you tell me if I went into a depression bc someones was attacking me..... and I was so tired I believed I deserved it?
How would you feel about my situation.... how I should handle it?
You might get a little angry that I was being attacked and it upset me so much..... you might know that I did nothing to deserve bad treatment and so should not accept it.
The same is true for yourself.
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Lupita,
Forgive me, but I can't remember if you have kids or not. Anyway, I do and this morning as I read this thread I was thinking of something that my kids do when they want me to listen to them. If I am focused on something an not looking at them, they will sometimes put their hands gently on my face and turn my face to them and their need. I think about this a lot when I find myself "stuck" in an unhealthy pattern. I try to turn my head away from all of my unproductive work and focus on the thing of better importance -- recovery behaviors.
I like what lighter said....... " we want to make changes.... we stop doing all the things we were doing.... and do something different".
Maybe it doesn't matter what we do choose to do instead, just as long as it is different from the old stuff that we know doesn't work. I have made a list of all the thinking patterns I use that don't work (IE. Seeking approval, ruminmating, all or nothing thinking, victim thinking, feeling unnecessary guilt and over responsibility, fear, believing lies, etc. Sadly, I could go on and on :?) I have decided that I will send up some alarm bell every time I catch myself engaging with one of these things. Then I will make that head turning change to the something else. Which for now sometimes, only entails some type of distraction like work or play or reading, coming to the board, etc. Then I can distance myself from it. Create space and calm nothingness that can give place for the new and better methods to develop. And sometimes when I am feeling really strong and snazzy, then I apply correctly the healthy stuff.
This weekend I was so stuck in shame. Couldn't get out. Then my H said, " YOu give away all your power of happiness to everybody else in the world. Stop it." (he said it gently) It woke me up. And I decided he was right and I demanded my power back and I told myself I was awesome. I don't spose I feel like a very awesome yet, but I do feel like I got myself out of the ditch. And today, I am choosing to stop feeling sorry for myself because the world isn't participating with my needs to feel loved and accepted. And my world really isn't participating very well. I have lots of evidence there to distract me from what is really important for my recovery and growth.
I was building a small IKEA desk the other day for my kid's computer. I was trying to use a hand screwdriver and the screws just would not go it. I sat there determined to make it work. My hand is hurting, my frustration is growing, and I was soon to be late for an other activities. Then I stopped dead in my tracks and said, "Bag this!" And told my son to get the power drill. We got the drill and the desk was built in a few minutes. I think it is the same way with my thinking anyway. I actually think that if I try harder or change myself or demand more or twist and turn and try to look in the mirror and chant that I can change the world's reactions to me. As if I can control the world. Or as if the world has any inclination to keep me protected.......and even if it did, would I be any stronger if I was always buttressed and crutched by others???? Anyway...... if I would just get the drill, or in this case take the power and responsibility back and take steps myself, then I get where I want and need in more satisfying ways. ( Just an after note: I felt a sense of pride that I built that desk alone without any outside crutching help from anyone else. )
I think, Lupita, that somewhere in us is the innate ability to do this healthy things. I think our lives have forced us to develop all these coping mechanisms to help us survive. And help us they did.......but not anymore. They side tracked us, covered us with delusions, and forced us into self imposed pain. We don't need them anymore. We can tap into those parts of us that are unknown or unseen to us right now. These books and classes are in my opinion reminders and pointers to what is already within us. We just need to wake it up.
Power thought of the day:
Though this universe I own,
I possess not a thing,
for I cannot know the unknown
if to the known I cling.
(The Knight in Rusty Armor, Ch. 7)
Poppy
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Dear Lupita,
I am just going to share about me. Compost what does not fit.I have always been an extrovert.I always had many friends. In fact, when I started retreating,I always had friends who called and wanted to go out. That was not my problem and never was my problem. My problem was that I was "tormented" inside. The "outside" never fixed the "inside" for me- ever.I have had most of what people want in life and it did not fix the inside
The "inside' for me is loving, honoring and respecting myself. WHEN I have that I could go out tomorrow and have a great social life. What good is a social life if inside you are" running and hurting"?
So, I am getting to the bottom of my torment.I have done it by facing the truth.I am at the last stage. As I face the lies from my M, I am seeing that there is a beautiful ,shiny treasure underneath it-- me.
We ,all, are treasures when we are authentic.
To me, this way makes sense.I think that when a person loves oneself , they want to go out and give to others. Then,it is not scary b/c we don't "need" others to define us.
I was thinking back about you,Lupita, and bad boy. For me, boyfriends have always been a way to have s/one define me. It was a way to get comfort and nurturing. In a way, that was not bad. However,in a way,it was. If I need s/one to define me,it IS bad.
So, for me ,it is all about fixing the inside . Then , the outside will be relatively easy and pain free.(generally speaking).
Love Ami
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Dear Amber,
I love those things.Share more if you have them. Ami
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OK. Thank you Hop, thank you everybody. I am feeling very bad.
Did I have a bad day? Am I exagerating? I feel bad.
Of six classes a day I had one bad. Sixth period where the librarian's son is. This kid does everything he can to disrupt and to provoke me. He cattractas attention to him self, he talks when I am addressing the class, etc. Today I asked him to stay after everybody was gone. I told him "you need to stop. I have talked to your mother several times and talked to you several times. The next step is to write you up. Can you promise that you are going to behave correctly tomorrow? " He said, OK in a very low voice, no remourse, he knows what he is doind. Then I said, do you think it is fair that you go home and tell your mother that you do not understand my English? He said I have not said that lately. Then I said, tomorrow you are going to be good because God is looking at you and he knows what you are doing. he left and he was smiling when he left. He is 15 maybe 16.
Do you think that he is ruining me in purpose? Do you think this is regular part of my work? Do you think I should feel so bad about that?
Why do I have so muhc fear? It is because I know the potential damage that his mother can do to me.
As CB says do not let this suck you up. These are the moments when I feel powerless. Dr. U was in my class for 20 minutes today. he has nothing else to do but being in my class. he had left me in peace all last week and suddenly he is back. 20 muntes sitting down by Mr. V's grand daughter. Dr. U is so retarded that he has no idea what is going on. I talk to the students in Spanish and trhey know what I am saying and he has no idea what is happening. I put CD program for audio and he has no idea and the students raise their hands to answer the questions and he has no idea.
Now, help me out here. Please. Whi this 16 year old boy is making me suffer so much? Why can he use his mother against me? Why do they want to get rid of a wonderful teacher like me?
There are other teachers there kids are in and out of thier class, playing nintendo games, doing nothing, they are not in trouble, nobody complains against them.
What am I doing wrong?
I just want to work in peace. Is that so impossible?
Am I feeling bad with out a reason?
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I feel so desperate and so disgusted. I am afraid of the lies of 16 years old because of his mother. That woman is 400 lb. Extremely obese. That must make her feel bad. She is so narcissistic. She likes everybody to pay attention to her.
I avoid her every day.
How come after one entire week of peace, her son decides to misbehave in my class, and Dr. U comes to another class and stays 20 minutes. Was there any change that I am not aware? What happened?
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Dear Lupita,
The kid feels like he can be rude to you. It would seem like the kid has been"told" that he can be rude to you. That is bad.
That is all you need-- a little brat like that.It is really the adult's fault , though.
I think that you need an "overhaul"of your power. That will take time. I guess that the best you can do with this situation is get so sick of it that it forces you to change so that you can ,hopefully, never get in to this type of thing again.
Without a really good ally to help you and without your own power to fight back, the best thing you can do is try to get through until you can find a new job.
I would use your desperation as "hitting a bottom". At least, you can have this be the last time that you let other people hurt you like they are doing,now.
We all have different "bottoms" that spur us to change. I remember mine last year when I had almost totally given up. I had no hope. I was going down in to a "fantasy" land in my head b/c I had no idea how to help myself. God sent me s/one to help me and then the board.
You can get better. Maybe this job can't be turned around with your current "thinking patterns". I really think that it can. However,if it can't,let this be the last time that you ever, give your power away like this again. Compost what does not fit.
Love Ami
(((((((((((((((((((((Lupita))))))))))))))))))
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I give points for good behavior at the end of the class. Yesterday I was upset and I forgot to give those points, in that class. So, today I am going early and prepare the points of yesterday and give them to them. But Guillermo will not get his points. When I give the poinst he will se that he did not get them. I go seat by seat to place the tokens in their hands. They get 2 for sittin on time as soon as the bel rings and having materials on desks. Good results. And fibe at the end of class for no interruptions or disruptions during class. Yesterday, Guillermo was the only one disrupting and calling other students and attracting attention to him self.
Also, they have to see that I am not the same, I am not afraid of them. They have to see that I am not afraid of them. I am not afriad of guileermo because his ugly fat narcissistic mother is a friend of Dr. U.
And today, if he disrupt my class, I will write him up, and I am going to talk to the assitnt principal today early.
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Dear Lupita,
You sound stronger. It is a good start. Write back and tell us what happened. Love Ami
(((((((((((((((((Lupita)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Hi Lupita,
Thought control is so difficult when you're under so much stress.
Do you have a therapist or can you barter a nice meal delivered for a massage, etc?
What can you do in the evenings to comfort and calm yourself?
Do you have any personal rituals that lift your spirits and soothe you?
Do you have bedside reading that comforts you before sleep?
hugs
Hops
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Dear Lupita,
I was thinking like Amber(Shunned) was saying,also. Maybe part of the problems with the kids is just "kid annoyance" and not part of a bigger issue. Just a thought. Ami
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Lupita,
I am kinda agreeing with hops. Wondering if you have any vacation time coming up. Maybe a good week vacation from the staff and students might give you a refresh and new perspective.
What about a weekend at a local but remote B&B? Or a ski weekend in Colorado? Or rent a cabin for a few days. You could get away from everyone and everything.
Love,
Poppy
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Lupita, I've copied Dr Grossmans LIttle Voices article, which I think is so good and so relevant to what you and all of us are going through.
Bill
Little Voices
(Prior version excerpted in a guest column at The Natural Child Project)
If parents do not enter a young child's world, but instead require him or her to enter theirs to make contact, the resulting damage can last a lifetime. In "Voicelessness: Narcissism," I presented one way adults react having experienced this scenario in childhood: they constantly try to re-inflate their leaky "self." However, different temperaments spawn different adjustments: some children, by their very nature, are incapable of aggressively seeking attention. If no one is entering their world, they unconsciously employ a different strategy. They diminish their voice, make as few demands as possible, and bend themselves like a pretzel to fit their parents world.
To secure their place in the family, these children often become expert in intuiting their parents' feelings and moods and automatically responding in ways they deem helpful. In effect, they become good parents to their own parents.
What happens when these children enter adulthood? Depending on personality and history, there are different possibilities. Here are two:
Some become gentle, sensitive, and non-assuming adults. They are also generous and caring, often volunteering for charitable organizations, animal shelters, and the like. Frequently they feel other people's pain as if it were their own, and are racked by guilt if they cannot somehow relieve this distress. Many seem to tiptoe in and out of rooms. Unfortunately these qualities also allow them to be used and abused by other people, for they are unable to stop giving without feeling they are bad or unworthy. Having a secure "place" and providing for others' emotional needs are inextricably woven together. If they are not providing, they feel they are no longer part of anyone's world, and they have no value to anyone. Their self-esteem is completely dependent upon responding to others needs. In extreme cases, their "voicelessness" is so complete, so consuming, these "little voices" literally are silent for long periods of time. This is not a form of passive aggressive behavior (as has often been suggested) or even a retreat from relationships. Unless asked direct questions, they simply can't think of anything to say. "What do you want?" (now, this week, this year, during your lifetime) is impossible for them to answer. Early in their childhood they stopped wanting because no one paid any attention to their wishes. Their place in life was to know what everyone else wanted--this is the only place they felt comfortable and unthreatened.
Other "little voices" ultimately become aware that they have sacrificed their independence, their "voice," in bending around others, and become negative and bitter. They are exceptionally sensitive to what they perceive as the non-responsiveness of people around them--precisely because they compare their own generous nature to the words and actions of others. Almost everyone comes up short. As a result, they are viewed by others as "critical" and difficult to get along with. They are easily slighted and prone to angry outbursts. The theme of their anger is often: look what I've done for you, and look what I get back. And yet they are trapped, because if they stop anticipating everyone's needs they feel invisible. Sometimes, these "little voices" live with (or close to) their demanding and unappreciative parents until the parents die; they deeply resent siblings who managed to escape. This is me and was also my M.
"Little voices" are the polar opposites of narcissists. The former relinquishes all "voice," while the latter gobbles it up. When the two are matched in a relationship, the potential for physical and emotional abuse is high. Domestic violence cases often involve "little voices" and "narcissists." Yet, the under-entitlement of "little voices" and over-entitlement of narcissists are both methods of adapting to the same phenomenon: childhood "voicelessness." Interestingly, the same voice-depriving family can produce "little voices" and "narcissists." Why is this so? Genetic factors probably play the biggest role. Narcissism requires aggression, "little voice," passivity. Birth order may also count: if one child strives aggressively for family resources, it is that much harder for the next in line to compete using a similar method.
In this essay, I have talked about extreme cases of "little voice." But in fact, many of the people who come to see me share, at least to some extent, the experience of "little voice." They have unconsciously diminished their presence in order to find a niche in their family and a place in the world. To be seen and heard, they feel they must take care of, or bend around, others. Luckily, "little voices" can be helped. The healing process requires a therapist who understands the historical roots of the problem and is capable of developing a client's "voice" through a genuine, empathic relationship.
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Bill,
Thanks for adding this article. I think parts of it are completely my H. He doesn't even have feelings of his own. Most of my married life, his only purpose was to anticipate and meet the needs of others. He used to explain it to me along with how it was the explanation why he was so happy. I literally think that he stopped wanting. No one is really that interested in his needs. I can see that in his family today. They are just mad because he is not meeting their needs anymore.
Makes me really sad. But thank you for the add. I am going to pass it along to my H. I think he will really identify.
Pops.
SORRY Lupita! Back to you........
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Dear Bill,
Perfect! Thank you for posting 'Little Voices'
Love,
Leah
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Dear Bill,
I can so relate to the "little voices". Today, when I was talking to my Aunt, she said s/thing about s/one not having enough "ego". After I got off,it hit me that she was saying that the person did not have "themselves "enough. I guess "getting ourselves" back is the antidote to having a little voice.
What a long ride it seems to be ,sometimes--huh? Love Ami
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My relax is going to salsa class. I feel different during salsa class. I have no money at all, I just barely make it every month. Zero. The only money left I have is for salsa class. I cannot even go to the movies or a restaurant. Never. Just pay my rent, car and food, plus doctors and hospital of my surgery that the insurane did not pay, a lot of money. Plus a loan I got for summer since my school does not pay for summer, they pay very little, and I could not work during summer due to an infection of the surgery. You might remember about that.
So, no moeny, no vacation until Thanks Giving. I will stay in bed all day during those days.
I cannot smoke or drink, or go to night clubs because it is prohibited in my school, "Christian school", hallowin is a sin from satan, etc.
I have tu survive the year. Hopefully I will find another school during summer. I dont know.
Dr. U keeps harrassing me. He has nothing to do.
I gave a look to the councellor son. He is disruptive too, but less than Guillermo. I gave him a look that he was smiling and I saw the smile disapear. He has to knoe that I am not afraid of his mother.
So I have the grand daughter of Mr. V, a lovely adorable child, the son of the librarian, the son of the councelor, the son of the secreatry, the daughter of the scholarship specialist, they are all family and friends and they have been together forever. Whenever they want they tell the children to give me a hard time. But thnaks to Mr V, it is better now.
I love him with all my heart.
But still, I have to put up with Mrs. Social Studies teacher, who gives me looks that give me chills, and the principal of the elementary school and the princiapl of the k school, who give me chills with the looks they give me. I know they do not like me. Probably because of the attention that Mr. V has given me, nad because The elementary principal when I complained against the head of school Dr U she said that I should live it up to the Lord but I did not and hse is very mad at me because she knows she cannot control me. She wants people who che can control completely. But she does not understand that I could not tolerate the ethnic and racial comments of Dr. U and that other teachers were following his example, offending me and my contrymen. I had to do something about it. I rocked the boat.
God will help me to survive. if Mr. V asks me to stay next year I will. But if not, i will find another school with God's help since I have three months vacation, no payment, I will look for a job for summer and another for the regular school year. I would like to teach elementary only.
Teaching elementar and high school is very difficult, extremely difficult because the lessons are totally different from first grade to 12th. I have to work extremely hard and they pay extremely little.
But despite the uglyness that I am treated with, i feel better today that I controled my class very well, and Guillermo behaved well today and all the class behaved well today, and that the cauncellor son had a smile disappear with the look I gave him. Ater all, my bosses are teaching me how to look at someone that is upseting you.
Also, after al finish with this job I will never go to a church again. In the rest of my like. I am tired of hypochristians. Very disappointed. very sad and very lonely.
Yesterday a nice friend in salsa class asked me if I had a wig and I said yes, then she said are your boobs real, and I said do you want to try them, and she said ok ok. I was aggressive. I need to be more aggressive. She will never say anything bad from now on. Hu!!!!
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What you did in salsa class with the wig etc IS having your owm power. THIS is what will get you out of the mess with the school, teachers and kids (IMO)
Didn't you feel better after you were"aggressive" back? THIS is what you have to practice and practice-----just as I am doing. When we have our own power, many troubles will "melt away"(IMO)
You did GREAT ,Lupita. Love Ami
(((((((((((((Lupita-wigs and all)))))))))))))))))))))))))))0
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Hi Lupita-
I got some information from a teacher regarding teaching jobs in different states. If it is not helpful, please compost it. If you are willing to relocate, there is a need for bilingual teachers in California. In particular, there is a program at California State University Dominguez Hills for teachers who have a science or math background and are bilingual. The teachers will teach in schools in the Los Angeles Unified School District and are paid and get benefits, etc, while they take the required courses at night to get state certified, and then they become permanent after they pass the state exam and a probationary period. There is a stipend of $5,000 to pay for the cost of the university courses as well. There are health benefits, pension, good pay, tenure, teachers union, etc. You might try the California State University Dominguez Hills web site for more information and contact, etc.
As I said, if this does not look like something that you are interested in, please compost it.
Best Wishes,
Changing
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Lupita,
Something good is out there for you. I just know it!! Are you in a contract....is that why you can't leave now? Doesn't sound like this job is worth the pay at all!! Too bad you don't live out by me. They are building new elementary schools all over and someone who speaks spanish is gold to them. They need teachers. Can't vouch for the pay or anything else. But I know the teachers at my school have a boat load of fun!
Poppy
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Lupita,
I just found this web site a few days ago, but I have read your story and this is what I see (it's an analogy):
I think you may feel like an open wound or an open sore that is not covered or protected by a bandage and all the toxic people in your school are infecting you.
When an open wound or sore is not covered by a bandage, it can become infected by toxins, poison and dirt that come into contact with it. I think the toxic people in your life are dirt and poison that have infected you.
They have infected you because you have left yourself open to their infection. You have not protected your wound with a bandage. So these toxic people continue to injure your wound because you allow them to do it by not protecting yourself from their poison.
To stop infection, the wound must be disinfected and covered by a bandage until it heals. I think you must stop allowing these people from infecting you. It is up to you to put a bandage on your wound and protect yourself. No one else can do that for you.
You can stop these toxic people from infecting you if you mentally block their toxins with an imaginary bandage. Imagine that you are covered by a bandage which will block their verbal and emotional toxins. This bandage can help you protect yourself from toxic people.
I hope you choose to put on a bandage and protect yourself from toxic people.
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it is comforting to find people who empathize with you. It is very nice. I cant wait to come home and read what good people have written to me.
Just one day at a time. I survived yesterday, and with God's help I will survive today.
I do not give a f*ck for Mrs. Social Studies, or Mrs. Elementary Principal or Mrs. K principal. They are bad people. I know now. They just want to show power and that is all they care about.
I think I need to be in public school where hallowin is not a sin but something fun to do, where I can go to a night club and have a drink, or I can have a boyfriend if I want, with out being afraid that I am going to be fired, or not to go to church if that is what I want.
Just need to survive this year. One day at a time. Save as much as i can, as if there was somthing to save. But the little to save, just to save it. And on summer just look for something else.
I saw one of the administrators taking pictures of me yesterday. I do not know why or for what. But i felt that somebody was looking at me, and I turned around and I saw the lenses of the camara. Why do they take pictures? Maybe they want to show that I am doing fine and that they have not done anything bad to me, that I am well treated, as if they were afraid that I am going to suit them, but they do not know that I will never do that. That I only want to put beens on my table. That I just want to survive. They do not know that. I am afraid that they want to set me up in a trap. But if God helps me that will not happen, I just want to do my job the best i can teach, and go home.
Probably, this will go away. Hopefully.
But if I see an opening, I will apply. Also, thanks for the idea of LA. I am afraid of LA for earthcuaques, I prefair huricanes. But if there is something for me there I would move. The thing is that I do not have any money to move.
But I will check the website. Thanks.
If you know of places where I can apply, let me know.
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Hi Lupita-
I got some information from a teacher regarding teaching jobs in different states. If it is not helpful, please compost it. If you are willing to relocate, there is a need for bilingual teachers in California. In particular, there is a program at California State University Dominguez Hills for teachers who have a science or math background and are bilingual. The teachers will teach in schools in the Los Angeles Unified School District and are paid and get benefits, etc, while they take the required courses at night to get state certified, and then they become permanent after they pass the state exam and a probationary period. There is a stipend of $5,000 to pay for the cost of the university courses as well. There are health benefits, pension, good pay, tenure, teachers union, etc. You might try the California State University Dominguez Hills web site for more information and contact, etc.
As I said, if this does not look like something that you are interested in, please compost it.
Best Wishes,
Changing
Dear Lupita,
If you know of places where I can apply, let me know.
Changing has posted a place where you can apply - copied above for you.
Seems to be a professional establishment - which, may well offer 'Relocation' assistance.
Would have thought that there would be a website dedicated to 'Teaching Jobs'
Here, we have a nationwide website with all teaching appointments on offer.
Just a thought.
Not long to go till November 8th :)
Love, Leah
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Here is the website for recruiting for teachers in Virginia. I see they are looking for a Spanish teacher for this very school year in Fairfax, a very nice suburb of DC - culture, cuisine and very, very international. Why if you post your resume on this database Lupita, you might be lining up interviews for upcoming vacations....
Also I notice how many many math and science teacher jobs are available right now and some with sign on bonuses. No harm in posting your resume and I think in Virginia you can work while you advance to filling the requirements to getting your state license. I have friends who have done so. - Or at least they had qualifications from other states and Virginia was willing to hire them.
http://www.teachers-teachers.com/virginia/VA-teaching-jobs.cfm
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http://www.teachers-teachers.com (http://www.teachers-teachers.com) it is :) Lupita
Very best wishes for you in your search.
"Happy Hunting"
Leah
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Thank you friends. I will check all those websites.
I had a peaceful day yesterday. Hope to have more of those.
God bless you.
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Lupita:
You sound stronger, I'm so glad.
I guess you're internalizing the facts. That's not so easy bc theres no logical sense involved: /
I loved reading that you don't care for the admin or librarian or Social Studies teacher anymore..... when they're around..... ignore them like you're far too busy to be bothered with little tiny people like them, with their small minded issues over made up small minded silliness.
Lord, theyr lives will be over in the blink of an eye..... what will they look back and regret? What will give them satisfaction? What a crazy world, but it doesn't have to be YOUR world.
Your life is larger than theirs..... no time for pettiness. No time for silliness. No time for irrational idiots running amok! Let them run in cirlces without you.
I like the idea of you walking in the fall sunshine..... window shopping and enjoying the people and excitement of fall. Was that Iphi or Shunned who suggested it?
You can enjoy warm cups of comfort at home.... (tea?) little rituals where you get clean and put your feet up, have a cup of tea, meditate or write..... create a sacred space in your apartment for something that builds you up and nurtures you. What are you reading now? You need to read things that support your journey......
It doesn't take a lot of money to do these things. It takes mindful attention to yourself and what feeds your soul.