Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Ami on October 29, 2007, 08:50:44 AM
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You NEED and MUST HAVE your own power. Why? Life will not work without it,unless you want to be "road kill".If you want to be road kill,just go out in to any life situation(even a board about voicelessness) without your own power and you will be squished on the side of the road.
lIt is bad. It is horrible. People can bemoan it all day long. However,it is true.
So,I was learning this at 14.I was emotionally healthy in many ways. This being one of them.
I remember that one of the last movies that I watched was "Last Summer .'It was based on a book by Evan Hunter. You could say that he writes about the awful things that can happen to you if you don't have your own power.This movie was really upseting,but I made up my mind that I HAD to have my own power.
I went down the tubes (and fast) when I gave my power to my M. I made a decision to believe her world and her reality and throw away mine. I JUST pulled myself out of those "rapids" that were killing me and smashing me against the rocks.
You have to have your own power in any and every situation.
It is simply HOW it is. This is a big bleh ,but it must be faced or the blehs will be exponential .(IMO) Ami
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I think that this thread would be really be good if people would share what lessons they learned apart from their FOO "demented" ones. Just a thought Ami
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I remember those feelings I had. The phone would ring. I would look on the caller ID. I was compelled to answer. She may know I was screening my calls if I didn't. Then I would pick up the receiver and basically be manipulated into doing what she wanted.
So then there is this other side of me. Drinking. Having fun. Being the life of the party. I could run to my home town (two hours away) and live my life without worrying that I would run into her or one of her church buddies.
Then there is this other side of me. Lying in bed. Depressed. Wondering how I am going to get out of this perpetual cycle. Then I had the stupidity to start working with her. (although I have to say, that had I not worked with her day in and day out, I believe I would STILL be in that cycle.....it was being with her every single day that helped me SNAP out of it!!)
So I have had to endure more in my life with this woman than I will ever, ever want to but I have claimed some of my life back. I no longer pick up the phone if I do not want to (and do not feel guilty about it....) But more often I will pick it up because if I do not want to do something I won't. She no longer gives me guilt because I put up my hand right in front of her face and give her a firm DON'T! Oh, don't get me wrong.......occasionally I slip. Sometimes she tries again. But then I thought, THIS WOMEN CANNOT HELP HERSELF. SHE REALLY IS SO HARD WIRED TO TELL PEOPLE WHAT TO DO THAT SHE CANNOT NOT TELL ME WHAT TO DO. So I just choose to say things like, "Good idea, mom, I'll think about that and get back to you....."
Plus I know she is getting older and she has lost her edge. It is only a matter of time before she cannot do it anymore and that time is just around the corner.....
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Dear Kelly,
Sometimes , we need to be in their presence MORE b/c it is like "flooding"in Psychogly. They stick you in the presence of the thing that you have a phobia of and eventually you simply don't care about it.
I have been toying with the idea of having her come down.Maybe ,I would see that I gave my life to a freakin " idiot and then I would be totally free. Just a thought.I think that this is what you are saying---Right? Ami
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Well, I didn't start working with her to get over this manipulation, but it worked. And if I had to do it again I would run as fast as I could the other way (although I wouldn't have grown so God knew and let me go through all that trouble to finally claim my life back!!)
If you invite her down be careful. You may fall right back into old patterns and hate yourself (and her even more) for doing it!!
I will never go on vacation with them where I am staying in an adjoining room with them again. The key to this all is setting just enough boundaries that you do not go crazy. We went to NYC and I told them I would not go if I could not drive my own car. That was a good things. We were all sick of each other even with that. My mom sulks and expects us to cater to her whim. It is a sickening thing. If anyone says anything negative about anyone else (even if it is true) she pouts. But she will NOT defend us in the same situation. She is so predictable. I never get her support. But she supports everyone else!!
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Dear Kelly,
As I was writing it,I had my gut screaming,NO.". It does help to talk over the phone, though.I am coming out of the last stages of denial and hearing that horrible voice does help. Love Ami
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Ami,
"I have been toying with the idea of having her come down.Maybe ,I would see that I gave my life to a freakin " idiot and then I would be totally free."
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!!!
Did I say 'no'?
Janet
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Ami,
"I have been toying with the idea of having her come down.Maybe ,I would see that I gave my life to a freakin " idiot and then I would be totally free."
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!!!
Did I say 'no'?
Janet
Ever Increasing Circles
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THANK YOU , JANET. DID I say----THANK YOU Buddy Love Ami
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Ami, about your mother coming to visit:
NO.
Kelly, I understand exactly what you're saying about that phone. I ended up getting so scared of the phone, I would panic when it rang. I would spend two hours mentally preparing myself for the call, and afterwards I'd be upset and irritable.
Good idea, mom, I'll think about that and get back to you....."
The adult child book I'm reading had a whole chapter devoted to this line. It was about boundary setting and when you weren't sure say, "i'll think about it and get back to you."
The lesson I never learned from my nmother?
It's okay to ask for help sometimes, and it's okay to trust people.
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The adult child book I'm reading had a whole chapter devoted to this line. It was about boundary setting and when you weren't sure say, "i'll think about it and get back to you."
The lesson I never learned from my nmother?
It's okay to ask for help sometimes, and it's okay to trust people.
Boundary Setting and Daily Application is Essential
Love, Leah
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Thank you Kelly, Amber, Janet, Leah, and Tayana
Leah--What do you mean by circles? Ami
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Ami,
As in Setting Boundaries ... the Circles are the basic key element.
Love, Leah
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Dear Leah,
I still don't understand how 'circles" fit in the picture. Sorry if I am being "dense". Maybe,I have a mental block . Love Ami
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That's okay Ami, maybe you have not looked at 'Boundaries' and how they work and how to Set healthy Boundaries.
With Boundaries in place the first and most important Circle depicts contact that is beneficial to you.
Love Leah
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This is a little off the topic,but I just talked to my M ,today. I REALLY SAW that with her she has to have ALL the" marbles" at any game.She can be "nice"IF she is in a up position,like telling you advice. However,if you have anything "better" than she has, she has to make you pay by pushing your 'head under the water."
So if anything I have or do makes her 'feel"less than, she just pushes me 'under the water " to drown me.
So,I guess that this is a stage that kids go through--right? It is the,'It's mine stage"-right?
The N's just got stuck there. I can "see" how it is now.If a little kid was bragging that 'My dog is better that yours and I will beat you up if you say otherwise.",we would laugh. We would probably say it was cute.
However,my M is doing that at her age to me. I see it. Ami
(((((((((((((((((Myself)))))))))))))))))))))))
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I understand some of what you are saying, Amber.I am coming out of the last stages of denial.It has me in it's death throes and I am wrestling with the last vestiges of it and am at the very beginning stage of my new life without the "role"
I see that my M "loves" me, BUT I can't do anything that makes her feel shame about herself( which is anything). I am getting the last parts of what Vaknin said about the N inside my heart now.
Really, these are the LAST things that I would not face.As such,I was forced to keep repeating the old worn out patterns that were making me sick. The thing that I did not want to face was that my M is really crazy(no funnies about this one)Also, that her craziness makes her want to drown me b/c only ONE can be the GOOD one in ANYTHING. This is the bottom of the denial,I think.
A Big Freakin Bleh Ami
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Another thing that my M did not teach me was that you HAVE to have integrity in order to navigate this life. She thought that this was "stupid"
Your life will not work if you don't live it with integrity.Integrity is the glue of human relationships. They can't stay together without it(IMO).So, another lesson that I am trying to put in to my life that I was ridiculed about. I need to act with the most integrity and love that I can. If I feel that I want to do otherwise,I should pull back and take a break from a situation.
This seems so simple.My GM and Aunt's(two of them) taught me this. My M ridiculed it . However,you have to try to let your relationships be governed by love. However, you still always have to have a big stick ready if and when you need it.
So, the balance has to be there.'Talk softly and carry a big stick" would express it.
It would have been so much easier to have these tools in my tool box for living.
I tried to be "nice" and I got "abused". I became road kill.
It is sad that this is how it is,but it is true. You can live in reality or "denial", as I see it Ami
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Oh, Ami, good God NO! Honey, this is not coat hangers or dogs or any other inanimate thing they use with "saturation" or "flooding". This is an emotional, psyche-harming, heart-breaking real live person you may be inviting into your space. Your gains - which have been tremendous - may not be cemented enough for you to withstand a renewed attack just yet.
Please - keep your zipper on the inside!
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I LOVE YOU, Towrite. You are so sweet to care for me like that. Ami