Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: lighter on November 04, 2007, 10:33:29 AM
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Today...... I promise to:
Jump rope until I can't jump any more.... (prolly take about 4 minutes but I may go 5 minutes tomorrow, so no worries.)
I will clean out my cars.
I will edit the stuff that flowed out of my car into the garage the past 3 months. Mostly girls school stuff. Must put away what I want to save, throw the rest away, which is hard but I can do it and I will.
I will spend some time with smelly candles lit, doing something enjoyable in the house, like hanging cool art. I wish I had someone to enjoy/share it with, but I really don't but I won't let that stop me or keep me from the enjoyment.
I will have a lovely bath ritual with the girls and not be rushed through it. Paint fingers and toes, read before bed and enjoy every second of it. I'll even work on my own feet a bit..... they really need it.
I will banish negative thoughts when they intrude.
I will observe if I can't completely banish negative thoughts and discover where they're coming from.
Today is a crisp cool fall day, my very favorite.
I'm clean and refreshed after all the sickness, challenges and frantic activity of the holiday.
Every day can be a new beginning, I can see that again.
We can choose what we invite...... people, thoughts and activities.
Now..... to start the list.
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We can choose what we invite...... people, thoughts and activities.
Now..... to start the list.
Lighter,
I love what you shared. Today I am taking care of myself and responsible for how I feel, who I am with and what I do.
I listed my positive character assets this morning and I am going to use them today, replacing negative thoughts too.
Today I am responsible for my own choices.
Thanks, BR
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Oh Lighter, I love this . . .
Today, I don't really have energy because my body is still adjusting to my medicine and my flu shot. In spite of that, I will . . .
Finish off my laundry because I love the smell of clean laundry and the piles make me anxious.
Do my best not to get angry at M because he won't clean up his mess, no matter how many times I tell him.
Do my best to assist M with his homework, without getting frustrated.
Do my best to take care of myself by listening to my new Melissa Ethridge CD, fixing my shelf for my bedroom, and hanging up the rest of my curtains.
I will try not to think about my messed up family or the effect they've had on my life.
I will try to be a good parent and not cringe if M wants to go outside alone.
I will try to be patient.
I will go to the library and enjoy my time there without worrying about all of the things that have to get done.
I'll find a place for the plants I brought in from outside for the winter.
I'll fix something yummy for dinner, even though I know M won't eat any of it.
This is a very long list, and I should probably stop now, I could go on at some length.
I've not been writing in my journal because I"ve been feeling better, other than the tiredness from my medicine. I won't say I"ve been feeling great, but definitely better.
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Today I will trust myself even though people around me are trying to make me feel guilty for not "loving them enough."
I will trust myself to listen to my "core".
A person has to have my best interests at heart ( basically) for me to trust them
If s/one has hurt me,I am not a bad person that I can't trust them until I see real evidence of change and of having my back(basically)
I will trust myself to listen to what my "core' needs to do in order to heal.
All this is very ,very new, as I always gave myself away to other people so they would like me and THEN I would be O.K.( how many bleh's is this?)
Ami
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OK.... so glad I got to read other people's uplifting thoughts and plans for their days.
I got some of the things on my list done and, in true lighter fashion, other things done that weren't on the list bc I'm easily sidetracked.
Only one car is cleaned out but laundry got caught up.
Smelly candle burned and children had lovely long bath thought nothing got painted.
I got excersice hauling large heavy items to the dump...... which wasn't on the list either.....it was terribly physical so not feeling bad about skipping jump rope.
The energy ebbed and flowed yesterday..... but I was grateful that it came at all.
Tay..... re M. When frustrating moments present themselves..... just accept the moment as it is and don't wish for something different. It is what it is and you might as well enjoy it, if you can.
bet: We do choose who and what we invite.... and sometimes it's hard to see or remember, isn't it?
Ami: When you say..... "All this is very ,very new,"...... I have to disagree. It's not a new concept. It's just something you haven't gotten your hands dirty with yet.
It's painful and uncomfortable..... but it's no more so than staying where you are.
It's just different...... unfamiliar.
You'll begin to feel better once you start jumping in, jumping off and learning to swim. How else would anyone learn?
As far as people telling you that you don't love them enough..... it's ok to love them the way you need to love them. Whatever way that is..... it's Ok. If your husband isn't trustworthy.... then you would be a fool to extend trust, so don't. Have you given him concrete actions he can do.... to make you feel safer?
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OOOO! I want to do this too........
Today I will:
I will slow the pace of my day. Just one thing after another. No running and stressing. No guilt. Do only what I can do.
I will stay on my cleansing diet. (I am pretty convinced that I have overrun candida. I am starting with the diet and threelac and lots of other supplements.)
I will read my scriptures, pray, and do it with my kids too.
I will smile.
I will walk for 30 min.
I will clean up the house after the weekend. But I won't stress out if it doesn't get all done.
I won't think about how fat I feel and how embarrassed I am because of the rash on my face. I will stand strong and not assume that others think the worst of me. I will have faith in the best of people.
I will get a B-12 shot even though I am afraid of it.
I will listen to my true voice in my very center and try to drown out the other voices.
I will not ruminate about the things I cannot change.
I will believe today that I am enough.....just the way I am.
I will be grateful for what I do have.....and not measure what I don't.
Light, it is gonna feel so good to get rid of the "Stuff" whether it is yours or someone else's. Symbolic of our mental stuff. Out with the old and tired and unwelcome visitors. I am doing this slowly with all my stuff. And I feel so good! Saturday is the basement and the garage!! Lighter, I hope you feel lighter! (lol and slapping my knee. I kill myself! :lol:) sorry....bad joke.
Pops
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Heh... Pops.... you're killin'me, lol.
I do feel lighter though I have so much to do, still.
At least I'm moving.
I called on my car today... the one that got cleaned over weekend. Towe service arrives anytime now and appt set with dealer to dx problem. DONE!
I haven't set the sale date but perhaps in a couple weeks I will move that furniture and other stuff. H wants to put it all in an 18 wheeler trailer and set it aside. That could be a solution but I think just creates more problems in teh long run.
I know everyone will have "plans" for their things once I announce I'm getting rid of them. I wish I could just send out a note that says they have till (Blank) time to get them or they are being sold on (Blank) date, checks will be forwarded accordingly.
I think she's heading for a terrible breakdown and that makes me feel very dark and panicky, since holidays are here. She arrives with big sloppy suitcases overfilled with more crap than anyone should travel with and heads up carny world wherever she goes. It takes months to get the children back into a normal routine after she's gone. I think she's driven her very normal sane husband nuts and that bodes very unwell for my niece. Right now she's taking the poor dear to a therapist where she's decided that the root of all their problems is...... HIM, her H. ::shaking head:: I can't even respond when she tells me things like that. OMG>... I feel like vomiting again. ::gulp::
Does anyone know how to handle that feeling brought on by crazy people insisting their skewed view is correct? I can't get used to it, in fact.... I'm more sensitive to it NOW than I ever was. I'll try reciting "Fuzzy Wuzzzy was a bear" like Hope suggested but.....
I think I need stronger stuff, I need to be able to respond so that I feel I'm helping my niece: (
Not just saving myself a good barf.
In the meantime..... I will pay bills today and clean out other car. Put numbers together, which I;ve been putting off, for H to catch up bills that I;ve been paying. The agreement was that he pay household bills.... he hasn't. Part my fault, must remedy TODAY.
Poppy: I feel heathier and better today..... ready for a cleansing, perhaps a fast but not up to it willpower-wise right now. What kind of cleanse are you practicing. Just juices? Lots of sugar.... bad for the candida. Have you been taking your daily dose of acidopholis?
I just decided to make a lovely ham and bean soup from Honeybaked today! All is in the house and ready for my attention. I love having mommy food on hand. Maybe make some rice or cornbread to go with. I wish the children would eat soup: /
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Lighter, wish I could say I knew how to deal with that feeling induced by crazy people, but I don't. You can always imagine something naughty to keep the feeling at bay, you know, like them hanging from a tree in their underwear . . .
I've been around 10 year olds too long. I'm starting to think like one.
I got through the day. M and I had a fight. He yelled at me, then I yelled at him, but it was after homework was done. We had to have a talk about homework, because "I don't care if I fail" is not acceptable when the problem is simply, "I don't want to do this stupid assignment." Not, I don't understand or I can't do it or it's too hard I need help. Just, "I don't want to do it because the answers are too long." Suggestions for that? Anyone want to adopt him for about a week? I got frustrated, but somehow . . . homework got done, room got cleaned (sort of), rat cage was cleaned and shavings vacuumed up. I considered it a victory. M now thinks I hate him only sometimes. I don't know how to make him understand that isn't true. Maybe I'll ask my T.
Lighter, the holidays are not here yet. I refuse to say they are . . . it reminds me that I have to do Christmas shopping and stick to my budget of no more than $30 per person except for M. I might get off cheap this year, depending on if my parents and I are speaking at Christmas.
So today . . . I really love this thread.
Today, I feel surprisingly good. Really good. Shockingly so. So today I will . . .
Actually do some work at work (big concept, I know).
I'm going to fix the pasta dish I'd planned on last night.
I won't feel guilty for spending $10 more than I planned at the grocery store.
I will find time write (probably at work).
I am not going to cancel my vacation days for this week, because I'd already planned on them, and Friday wasn't relaxing with a sick kid. I'd sort of made plans, and I'm keeping them.
I will talk to my T about my misperceptions of my parenting skills.
I will work on M's goal chart.
The TV will get shut off at 9pm, because we did that last night and it was awesome.
I will put away the dry laundry.
I will think about where that enormous plant is going to go, because I don't have a place for it yet.
Homework will get done . . . and I won't cheat doing it.
Somehow I will convey to M that I don't hate him.
I will say nothing about the messy desk, dresser or the dinosaurs in the floor of his room.
I won't go clean them up either.
I'll look at the job boards my friend sent me and see what sort of things are available that might be more interesting than where I'm at, even though it means a four state move.
I won't feel guilty about not calling my parents, my brother or anyone else. Because I don't, not at the moment.
I will tell M about the single parents group I found and talk about attending the meeting tomorrow night.
I won't kill M when he talks back, because even though he's talking back to me and throwing my own words in my face, this is actually a good thing. It demonstrates self confidence. He just has to learn that screaming and ordering me about is not respectful.
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Ok. Ligher. You are so mean! Dangling warm soup and corn bread in front of me! OHHHHH! Enjoy every mouthful for me. I am doing the no carbs/no dairy/no condiments thing. Protien and veggies only for the first three weeks. I think the candida is overrunning my whole system. I have been trying to figure out my emotions, and health for months. Four weeks ago, my face broke out in the strangest rash and now it is all over my scalp. And the rest of my face itches like crazy and won't go away. All I could think was candida. So, I did the spitting in the cup test and a long written evaluation. I score off the charts. Anything over 120 was an idication of candida. I scored 403. I was so relieved to read the list of symptoms. So many fit. Like blurry vision ( I just got my eyes checked. I thought I needed glasses), lack of balance, depression, emotionality, and disabliing fatigue. It all fits. I can't remember details and have a hard time recalling easy facts. I know my thinking is better but I can't feel better emotionally and my PMS is out of control. All these things fit the candida profile. So, I am going to give it a shot and see if the three lac and the cleanse helps. It is a 9 week cleansing diet. It has three different phases, where I eliminate foods and then slowly add them to my diet. I am three days in and that soup sounds really good. I want! I want! Oh well, back to my greens and eggplant!
Maybe you could do a cleanse that required less discipline than a fast. Something where you eat yummy fruits and veggies for a few days. Or just avoid big sugar offenders for a bit.
It sounds like you are really going to town on getting your things in order. Such peace of mind when the money works and the cars work (and are clean and smell nice -- that is a bonus) and everything is in its place. That is my kind of happy anyway -- with a few thing purposefully out of place so I fight the perfectionist in me. You are doing so many wonderful things. I am sure the whole household will feel the freshness of the new beginnings.
Is this crazy person (SHE) the sister in law that interupts showers with unannounced guests??????? We can't control them or their side of the conversation. We take our hands off it and whine about them to our so incredibly cool board friends. That is what we do. And then we get stronger and less affected every time we meet them. And then we tell our super cool and incredibly beautiful board friends about our successes. And then we all have cake!......except for me who will be enjoying a nice celery stick!
Tay, YOU SOUND AWESOME! Ohhhhh did you say pasta?????
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bet: We do choose who and what we invite.... and sometimes it's hard to see or remember, isn't it?
Ami: When you say..... "All this is very ,very new,"...... I have to disagree. It's not a new concept. It's just something you haven't gotten your hands dirty with yet.
It's painful and uncomfortable..... but it's no more so than staying where you are.
It's just different...... unfamiliar.
You'll begin to feel better once you start jumping in, jumping off and learning to swim. How else would anyone learn?
As far as people telling you that you don't love them enough..... it's ok to love them the way you need to love them. Whatever way that is..... it's Ok. If your husband isn't trustworthy.... then you would be a fool to extend trust, so don't. Have you given him concrete actions he can do.... to make you feel safer?
Dear Lighter,
I am going to confess s/thing that will make me look like an " idiot". When I read your simple explanation of why I should not "trust" my H after all these betrayals, I experienced "shock"
Your reasoning was so simple. I have been so screwed up and so disconnected from my feelings that I was throwing guilt on myself for s/thing that no "normal" person could do--- trust s/one that betrayed them for over 20 years--Ding-Ding(bell of " normality" going off )
Lighter, sometimes I scare myself at how "screwed up" I am. I am blaming myself ( and he is blaming me) for not trusting him when he has betrayed and abused for over two decades.-hitting, slapping ,holding a chair over my head, turning my son against me etc
Lighter, My M has so denuded me that I don't know what normal self protection is .. She made me feel so guilty for any self love and self care . She made it clear that my job was to denude myself and never stand up for my own dignity and well being.
Now, after a year on the board,I am just STARTING to see that I have a RIGHT to be treated with respect and I have a RIGHT to protect myself-- major bleh- . Thank you Lighter for stating the obvious. Love Ami
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Pops, thanks! I have to say I feel pretty darn good today. I don't know why. I just do.
And yes, I said pasta. I'm going to try to make baked spaghetti. I've never done it before, so it's something new.
Ami, your last post sounds like you're making great progress. Keep going, girl.
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Thanks Tayana for saying that. I feel like I am so "stuck" but maybe seeing the "stuckness" IS the progress. Love Ami
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Tay... you're so focused and in the moment. How nice for you: )
M is practicing age appropriate behavior.... he's separating himself from you...... soon should be identifying with friends and sort of replacing his dependency on you. It's what kids do and it's not personal, though it feels that way sometimes.
I'll be interested to hear what the T says about handling this.
In the meantime, you reassure him, always, that you love him, will always love him no matter what, forever and ever.
I'll try the "hanging from a tree in their underwear" visual next time I'm dealing with craziness and let ya know how that works out for me, lol; )
Poppy: Don't try to take away my sweeties..... you won't get far, lol. ::enjoying bowl of yams and Bordeaux cookies.... for that perfect crunch::
I'm eating for emotional serenity and it just makes me feel worse. I know the way out is to get busy with uplifting things and just DO. So I'm DOING. I understand how to get out of the mire. I;ve done it so many times.... never gets much easier but at least you know it works and there will be a payoff..... eventually.
It'll get better and the byproduct will be my life will be more under control and feeling better for me. My clothes will fit again, etc. My mother won't look at me with pity bc I'm starting to look like her and my sister.
The nerve... it's OK for them to weight too much but not me... what's up with that?
I feel like puking again, for some reason.
My SIL is different than my Sister, btw. I have interesting personal dynamics in several areanas of my family life. You should see my SIL and Sister go at each other, btw. They're opposites anyway and never pass up an oppoturnity to criticize, though they both have things they could work on. They both feel they're perfect and you can't have a conversation with them without them addressing the issues they have with each other. They never even see me or what I want to discuss. It's about them and each other. ALWAYS as unbalanced as I know that must sound.
It's true.
I'm going to put an end to them batting me around to get at each other. I see that as a pattern through my history. Not just with them, but it's them now.
Must come up with a mantra........
Idea #1: "Excuse me.... but you're out of your cotton pickin mind if you think I care to hear about that now." ::smile sweetly::
Any ideas? My first ideas usually aren't my best.
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Dear Lighter,
This is very hard to do but I think that your answer is not so much a "mantra" but to stay centered in yourself.
It could be "practice" to be true to yourself and your emotions ,even though you are being challenged by "craziness".
I don't envy you b/c it sounds like you are taking a Ph.D exam with those relatives.
I think that the important thing would be to try NOT to control the situation in any way. You will have to examine yourself to see if you have a "dog in the fight",in any way.IOW,does your ego need a certain outcome?
I just saw how "control' works so it is a new thing with me to be able to see HOW much I try to control so I can look or feel good-bleh.
I think that if you take it as a learning experience ,it might be the best way to view it. Compost what does not fit. Love Ami
((((((((((((Lighter))))))))))))))))))
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M is practicing age appropriate behavior.... he's separating himself from you...... soon should be identifying with friends and sort of replacing his dependency on you. It's what kids do and it's not personal, though it feels that way sometimes.
Lighter, I read an article about how teens often say they hate their parents and don't really mean it, that people shouldn't take it personally. So when he tells me I'm mean. I hate him because he has to do homework and clean his room, etc. I just let him talk. He gets mad. He throws a tantrum. I just let him, and I pretty much ignore it and make him do the task anyway, because he's got to learn to do things even when he doesn't want to.
I don't know about the friends thing, he's got to learn some social skills. He does seem to have one friend this year, and he wants others, he just hasn't learned the give and take of friendship yet.
I hope the visual works for you. Just keep mucking along, eventually we get to a good place. ((((lighter)))))
Ami, I think the stuckness is part of the process. I think it's being stuck that makes us realize something has to change.
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Lighter,
Hmmmm.....people battling all around you. Tell me more about that. This is interesting that you see it as something reoccuring and that right now it is the sisters pushing the button. What is the button?
Sounds like to me, you are fighting your unprofitable thoughts. Like the ones that get created from your mother's pitying looks. Or the ones created by the battling around you. Yeah? Sounds like they make you feel invisable....or that in some way you want to be part of their conversation. Sounds like they are so concerned with their own insecurities, they fail to see anyone else in the room. Yet, they want you to accomidate them. Maybe they need a "Moonstruck" slap. "Snap out of it!" Anyway, I care what you say. You have a boat load of gold in you. And the fact that they don't listen......or perhaps don't appreciate the power of comfort food......doesn't change any of your wonderfulness. Neither can a few pounds! So there!
Pops
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Tayana,
Sounds like you have to listen to what your son is doing and not what he is saying.....and all the while communicating to him his worth. I need to do better at this one with my son. Thanks for the unintentional nudge.
Pops
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Dear Tayana,
What I did with my sons that I thought was good ( and they did too,later), was that I let them talk to me about anything,but I would not take any disrespect. My gut told me which was which when I was not sure.
With boys, if they are disrespectful when they are young, you can have real trouble when they get stronger than you are---bleh. Trust your inner voice, Tayana Love Ami
(((((((((((((((Tayana)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Ami, I thought it was a good sign when after our little spat, M came up to me on his own and said, although not in a very convincing voice. "I'm sorry I yelled at you." I said thank you, and then he said, "And?"
I looked up and realized he was waiting for me to say something. "I'm sorry I yelled at you too," I said. It was over and done, forgotten. Thirty minutes later. "I'm ready to be tucked in."
I think I did all right. I still guess at normal, I'm afraid. See, I won't do things for him when he tries to order me about, but if he asks politely, then I don't mind. Or if he's nasty, I'll tell him to go get his own milk, chips, whatever.
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Oh Tay, that's WONDERFUL, that he knows how to say, I'm sorry.
And you needed to too, and you did. That's really healthy.
I hope it ended with loving hugs.
xo
Hops
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Hops, it pretty much ended with our usual tucking in routine of squeezing hugs and kisses. *sigh* I'm guess he's not going to want those much longer.
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Dear Lighter,
This is very hard to do but I think that your answer is not so much a "mantra" but to stay centered in yourself.
It could be "practice" to be true to yourself and your emotions ,even though you are being challenged by "craziness".
I don't envy you b/c it sounds like you are taking a Ph.D exam with those relatives.
I think that the important thing would be to try NOT to control the situation in any way. You will have to examine yourself to see if you have a "dog in the fight",in any way.IOW,does your ego need a certain outcome?
I just saw how "control' works so it is a new thing with me to be able to see HOW much I try to control so I can look or feel good-bleh.
I think that if you take it as a learning experience ,it might be the best way to view it. Compost what does not fit. Love Ami
((((((((((((Lighter))))))))))))))))))
An example of the kind of conversation I don't want to have is this one, with my SIL.
ME: I'm thinking of starting the girls and myself on micronutrients, along with the daily vitamin we already take.
SIL: I don't think shoving things like that down children's throats instead of excercise or food is a fix and lots of people do that.
ME: Yes, I realize that... not good. Now, I'm thinking of starting this and I'd like you to consider it for my niece and nephew, I'll even pay for it I believe it's beneficial. (my niece's teeth are coming in wonkey (soft) and she has ADHD and ODD... other things)
SIL: Your sister just shoves pills down her daughter's throat, I won't do that to my kids. She's going to be a little hypochondirac and it's obscene.
ME: This is one sweet tart like chewable twice a day..... .along with a daily vitamin, which I hope they'er already taking.
SIL goes on and on and on about things I'm not doing, things my sister does or the world does and won't shut up or listen to a word I have to say.
I guess the obviouse thing to do would be to say: I can see you don't want to talk about anything relevant so we can just end this conversation here. No worries.
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Nice story, Tay.
I won't do things for my children if they order me about either.
They still have to be reminded to use their manners, over and over again.
Nice that M's learned how to apologize and knows when it's appropriate that others apologize too. He felt entitled to an apology! YAY! YAY!
That's a good thing, IMO.
He felt he owed you one..... even better: )
You're a good mama, Tay.
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Dear LIghter,
Your SIL sounds HORRIBLE and a HORRIBLE mother. You can't really save your neice, although it is an honorable and wonderful desire on your part. I think that wanting to help your poor neice is what is causing you so many problems.
That poor child. She is going to suffer like we on the board have.
It is pitiful .Well, maybe you could manipulate your way in to at least getting your neice simple things like vitamins. I am so sorry LIghter. Your SIL should be slapped( after I get done with Lupita's mother)
I am really sorry ,Lighter. Love Ami
((((((((((((((((((((((Lighter, neice))))))))))))))))))
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Hey Lighter
She sounds like a lot of fun to have a conversation with....not! I find conversations like those so incredibly draining - you get to the point where you just throw up your hands and say I have to check the food.
What would happen if you said this (knowing that the ultimate goal is to get your neice on vitamins):
ME: I'm thinking of starting the girls and myself on micronutrients, along with the daily vitamin we already take.
SIL: I don't think shoving things like that down children's throats instead of excercise or food is a fix and lots of people do that.
YOU: You are absolutely right - excercise and food are critical for a child's health. I am so glad that you realize that, you are right, so many people ignore the importance of exercize and food (give shocked face). There is no substitute for those. With my kids I always focus on those first too. You know with the risk of so many diseases these days, I think it can only help to supplement. Just the other day I heard of another outbreak of MRSA - that nasty skin eating disease, seems to me in this day and age we need to protect our children any way we can...don't you agree?
I have found that for people like this, they have a need to be right or superior and that need is stronger than common sense. With my F I used to have to do this all the time just to get through to him - give them what they need (ie, say they are right) and then work in what you need, but do it in a way that they can hear it. If I was straightforward about something (my preference) he would just play games and be a jerk.
Also by saying don't you agree at the end of the sentence, you have left her with 2 responses - yes or no (learned this in a sales position - they told us never to use it, because that gave the client the option to say no - didn't like that job) - after everything you have just said about MRSA, she would be an idiot to say no. And if she takes the idiot route - that is when you give the shocked face again.
Sounds yucky I know. Usually I wouldn't bother with people like these but with your neice's health at stake - I would give it a try and see if it works.
Peace
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I've been trying to make peace with failing my niece.
It's been one of my deepest saddest come to Jesus issues..... that I failed to say or do anything on my nieces behalf..... when it really would have helped.
It's about disagreeing with my SIL.
She's fairly unnaproachable...... she's always right, even while her children are falling apart.
I'll either figure it out.... or not.
The sadness may go away..... or it won't.
It's not healthy but, SIL was pretty well tortured by her mother in early childhood.
She's remarkably functional, considering: /
I may never be able to communicate reasonably with her and must learn to live with it, I suppose.
Some things are larger than we can overcome.
That's the truth.
Figuring out how to solve our own problems may have to be enough.......
then I find myself looking into my nieces big brown eyes....... and I realize I don't know how to live with myself in that moment.
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Can you bake her Superfood-in-brownies the way I used to bake a certain weed that looks like oregano into brownies a couple decades ago when I was young and foolish?
(Shrewd...big brown eyes. Love bomb for little niece! SWAK! Hand over brownie. SIL gets one too).
Huh, Ami, would it work? I bet it could with the right brownie recipe.
guilt-free,
Hops
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Lighter,
You have not failed your niece. Let me repeat - YOU HAVE NOT FAILED YOUR NIECE.
Every time you have contact with her you show her the definition of a loving relationship - and she may not realize it right now, but she will, and it makes all the difference. That is the only thing that saved me as a child.
I had no one as a child in my immediate family, no one to go to if I had a problem, no one I could trust. It was an incredibly hostile environment.
I saw my great aunt (grandmother's sister) once a year or so. When I was 9 I went to stay with her for a week. She treated me like gold! I had never been treated so kindly. It was a huge eye-opener to me as to what a true loving relationship is. It meant so much to me that I named my daughter after her.
You most likely can't change your SIL. I understand that you disagree with her. I learned, a long time ago, with people like these, even though you disagree - you have to pretend to agree and wrap the conversation around to where you want her to go. Manipulative? Yes. Ugly? Yes. Frustrating? Yes. Necessary? Yes. Worth it? Yes - because there is no other way to fight for your niece given the SIL’s personality.
I am sure you realize, but if you try to get your SIL to admit that she is wrong (and IMO given the example you gave she is clearly wrong) there is a good possibility that you may be cut out of your niece's life. And that would be tragic.
We can't always make the world or people see clearly, but if the need is strong enough, we can use what they give us and try to make something positive out of it if it is important enough - and this is important enough.
I learned a long time ago that with people who can't admit they are wrong, the only way to get through to them was to use their need to be right to have a positive outcome for all.
I am not explaining this well - I am sorry. At the least, please know that you are not failing your niece - you have given her a glimpse of what life can be, and from one who knows, it can make an incredible difference.
Much love to you,
Peace
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Ummmm.... I think I'm going with acting like a bigger ass, than all my relatives, and see how that works for me.
::nod::
Maybe I'll dawn my witches costume for the entire Holiday Season? :twisted:
Damn... I just burned my bean soup :(
Well..... perhaps I was meant to go on a cleanse this week too :shock:
There is a certain freedom in not being soley responsible for the familie's appearance of sanity.
::humming 'Freedoms just another word for... nuthin left to lose....::
My sister's already upset that my mother's not being so demanding, of me.....
bc of my tense circumstances.....
this is taking it to another level baby, lol.
Buckle up everybody, it's going to be a bumpy ride.
I consider this "talking plainly."
My family will consider it "losing my mind."
Can you imagine what my H's next family gathering will look like, lol? Heh...
There are soooo many things I have to do, that I don't want to do.
May as well do them MY way.... at least while they'll still let me in the door :shock:
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Light, sweetie,
What do you want your SIL to do? Maybe she always has to be right. Maybe that is her only way of surviving. And she probably is a royal pain in the ruhaha! But, Maybe she literally disagrees with you about her daughters care and she doesn't know how to tell you " no thank you on that issue, but please continue to be that awesome aunt that you are". Maybe she feels the tension....the fight in you......and she feels like she has to fight back. And she does so with the only thing she has......trusting her "right" feelings based upon her circumstances and knowledge and stating that to you. I am trying to decide how I would feel if I were in your SIL's shoes. I may stand up and insist that I was right. (and please don't hate me for saying this ) I may set a boundary.
It seems to me that you are arguing with reality. And that arguing is causing you stress and guilt and pain and frankly it is getting you worked up. " She should....she doesn't......if she'd only.....etc." Let it go, Lighter. Let it go. Making a decision about supplements is a mothers choice. But being the best aunt this side of the mississippi is your choice. Let her own that choice. And then embrace what you can do and what you are doing to love and support your extended family. Set yourself free from the guilt. Pray that your sil will find treatments/methods that work for that nuclear family. If you see or hear something helpful....add it to the conversation.....but only that. And let the outcomes go. It is stress you don't need and pain that distracts from what is really important --seeing the girl behind those big brown eyes and really knowing and valuing her! And anyway, maybe what your sil in law needs is to know you support her no matter what she chooses. Doesn't sound like she has gotton much approval in her life. Who knows! She probably really looks up to you and doesn't want to look like she doesn't know stuff in front of you.
Love you lighter! What more could this little girl need than an Aunt like you!!
Poppy
ps. Oh well! about the soup. And go on the cleanse!!
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Totally off the subject-----Superfood can't be cooked --Hops. Ami
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Pops:
She's sure her way is the best way. She's rather single minded and one tracked. It makes her a dynamo at getting stuff done.
It also makes her very limited in her conversations. It's all details about every little decisions she's made or is making or may make and why she's making it on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on..... it goes and goes and goes. I don't even have the energy to address everything and I certainly don't want to debate and lose or make it even worse.
If I have to hear about her NANNY HOUSEKEEPER, that keeps her house EXACTLY like she does AND handles the children most of the day, so she doesn't have to see them hardly at all...... over and over and over again.... every day...... when I disagree with the entire concept... it's very difficult to express anything negative bc she's demanding that her decisions be complimented and she be awarded the WONDERFUL PERSON OF THE YEAR award, bc she really feels she deserves it.
She's doesn't invite discussion..... she invites validation. Nothing else is allowed in and I'm sure we'd be going round and round if I suggested her PERFECT plan wasn't lookin too healthy.
Of course, when she's running around trying to press charges against the PERFECT NANNY HOUSEKEEPER for being a thief and criminal...... I don't hear the end of that either.
The truth was, I stopped going round there when the entire non english speaking family moved into their house. I left those little children with Criminals too.
I thought it was a bad idea. Apparently their mother and father couldn't see that, but I could.
I do feel responsible.
I used to go over there every morning and bath my niece and feed her...... she was the most wonderful laughing child I've ever had the pleasure of caring for.
At some point, of having crap stuffed in her face to keep her quiet, she stopped laughing.
She became a huge problem and I didn't know enough about child discipline to help any of them. That's one reason why I began researching it in earnest. Everything they did was wrong wrong wrong but I didn't have the guts or the fact to back up my feelings.
And so..... 'for the triumph of evil.... all that is necessary is for good men to do nothing.' And I did nothing. I don't do enough now either.
I'll just have to learn to live with that I guess.
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Dear Lighter,
If you live near them--you could go everyday with a Superfood smoothie . Of course, this is only the nutritional part which is one tiny,tiny part of the picture--bleh.
I can tell that your niece is dying(emotionally) --one small step at a time.. I am so sorry,Lighter. I bet that she really loves you very much. S/times just observing a loving aunt can be life changing. It was for me. Love Ami ((((((((((((Lighter, niece))))))))))))))))))))
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Lighter,
It sounds difficult. It really does. Especially because you care so much. I appreciate that part of you. If there was something that you should have done....but failed to do, then I hope you can forgive yourself. And I am sure there are other ways for you to make a difference in this situation.
Pops
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Are the kids getting abused??? What am I missing here........
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Poppy: They were spanking her too hard too often for the wrong reasons. It backfired. It didn't make a dent. The child would just smile and come give them a hug.
BAD mojo.
They don't spank anymore.... but she was pretty much allowed to run wild from then on.... bc it was easier for them. She still takes the majority of the children's time from their parents.
If I ever tried to talk to my brother..... he just said his children were getting a better life than most and that was that.
It's odd...... looking at something SO important and just letting it slide out of control..... like sand rushing through my fingers.
I had my own sand running through my fingers as well and there were times I asked to have my niece over and tried to teacher her basics but instead watched her bounce off the walls, eyes rolling around in her head, unable to focus on anything for any length of time. My girls just followed and were pretty much amused, watching me try to get her to focus. Must have been a gas to watch.
Heartbreaking. I did what I could without creating a war. It wasn't enough and the beat goes on.
Not abused...... just in the middle of a crummy marriage with parents who see their own needs first.
And with the childhood SIL had....... it's amazing she's as capable as she is. Which is VERY capable. Just not necessarily on top of everything she's come up against.
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Oh Lighter.
That is heartbreaking.
But can you invite her out?
Are you allowed to take your niece out?
Imagine what one outing a week with a loving aunt, who talks honestly to her, what a difference that could make in her life!
Hops
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She wants to come and spend the night.... doesn't want to leave when she's here, though I think part of it is for her amusement value.
::Sigh:: I wish I wasn't starting out my day with this, slandering the LDS church AND the crummy meeting I had with the Charm group last night.
AND the water's off this morning..... construction bastards.
Just the dregs of the coffee pot......
::sliding down wall:: help help help
Just kidding.
Sort'a :shock:
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You've lost your charm?
I still think you're charming...
((((Lighter))))
Hops
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Dear Lighter,
I am interested in the 'Charm School"(so to speak) and what happened there? Ami
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Oh Hops, lol.....
Thanks for that assurance.
No doubt there will always be those negative people who miss the charm of a loudly blown raspberry.::nod::
; )
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Lighter-
I hope all that is troubling you goes more smoothy and works out. Thank you for the inspiration as far as using "executive ability" and getting things done. When I add that executive stuff of yours to Izzyfication techniques, things go so efficiently and well. You are the best! Hope everything goes your way for the rest of the day!
Love,
Changing
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Ami: We normally spend time getting to know members of our group.... share intimate stories of pain and strong feelings.....
Learn how to listen and speak with empathy.
We're not supposed to stray into individual problem solving but we did last night and it was my favorite part of the evening. I'm really interested in a couple members, in particular.
I digress....
we also:
Strengthen our core beliefs about ourselves so we can be comfortable in our skins and help others feel comfort too. ::nod::
I guess you could call it a journey out of co dependancy, though they haven't framed it that way quite.
Last night.... however, I really should have left before the meeting got started.
Too bad they were serving yummie turkey and dressing comfort food... YUH.. meeeeee!
It was gooooood too: )
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L - I share your energy and am sending you some of mine as I am having an up day also.
On to the list!
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Thanks Changing and towrite:
I actually had a stall on energy yesterday.... out of the blue... unexpected.
I am picking my car up today, though.
Good news, the battery was too small :shock:
Much less expensive than the ignition problem I thought it was gonna be.
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Lighter-
I don't think that you can be stopped for very long- you are too wild and vivacious! Glad the car problem was not so bad- did they gie you a refund on the battery that was too small( boneheads)?
Love,
Changing
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Changing:
My darling husband bought the car for me on e bay.... a very low price.
When it came, I had it checked out.
All the parts were the wrong parts.
Down to the battery, which was somehow missed. Mercedes dealership jokingly asked me if I wanted to keep it..... put it in my lawnmower... or something: /
No. Thanks.
Merry Christmas darling.... put the children in this unsafe car and hope you live to see New Years.
::kiss kiss::
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That was a really selfish thing for your H to do( your car). Does he have a good car? Ami
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Hey Lighter,
I am sorry –
I heard what can I do, not I feel bad that I didn’t do more. I understand better now.
Although, I have to say, given the details you’ve given, it still doesn’t sound as though you failed your niece.
There is only so much you can do.
Could you have swooped in there and taken her away? No.
Could you have called CPS? Maybe, but ultimately, they probably would have closed the case without action and it would have put her under more stress, not to mention caused an irrevocable chasm in your relationship with her parents. Ultimately, that would have been worse.
A very close relative of mine has an autistic child. At 1.5 years, I was noticing behaviors that would indicate autism. I wasn’t sure, but there were a lot of signs. I watched closely. By the age of 2, I was convinced. I kept suggesting to my relative that they have the baby examined. I was ignored – blown off.
At 2.5, there was no language development. My relative started to express concern. I suggested that at the least, he have the baby’s ears checked to see if there was a hearing problem (knowing well that this was not a problem). I was ignored.
At 3.5, they enrolled him in pre-school. He was kicked out for head butting the teacher in the stomach. At that time, the teacher told them to have him assessed for autism. My relative was so outraged at the teacher he was considering litigation. Of course - there was nothing wrong with his child. Thankfully, his wife had the baby tested.
He was diagnosed autistic.
I don’t know if you are familiar with autism, but for the future wellbeing of children with autism, it is critical to have early intervention; the earlier the better.
This child went 2 years undiagnosed.
I tried. Do you think I should beat myself up because I didn’t try harder?
To some extent I am upset that I didn’t try harder. But realistically, bottom line, I believe that no matter what I said or did, it would not have made a difference unless my relative was willing to listen. His head was stuck so far up his ass he couldn’t possibly hear anything he didn’t want to hear (it was a pride issue – there is nothing wrong with my son!).
I can see in your story (although not a lot of details), that circumstances may have been similar?
You did the best you could with what you had at the time. What you know now is better yes? But even given what you know now, could you have done anything differently then?
Every decision we make is a pro/con choice – we have to consider everything, and ultimately, when it comes to other people’s children, there is not much we can do unless there is gross negligence and horrific abuse.
It is sad IMO, but the only thing we can do is be a good role model for the child. But, never underestimate how much this can mean to a child – it made all the difference to me.
Please let the heartache go. There was nothing more that you could have done without potentially causing irreparable harm.
I hear the echoes of self-anger and self-sadness in your post – and I truly believe it is unwarranted.
Peace
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Peace.... my brother's family plan to move next door to me, over the summer.
That's a lot of contact, considering all the things I feel like saying.... and don't say.
I'm the easy going member of the family...... heh... I know what you're thinking! Can you imagine what the rest are like, lol!?!?
I lose that place if I start speaking my mind... and not just nodding and making low key observations, which may be of SOME help.
Once I begin telling it like it is.... I doubt I'll have any place there much less get any input in for anyone.
If I had it to do over again? Would I have snatched my SIL and sib up by their collars and told them they were screwing up..... fire the damned nanny and quit blowing smoke up their own asses.... their children were suffering and that I wouldn't stand for?
Hmmmm...... I can't imagine DOING that.....
and yet....
right now, sitting here pounding away on this keyboard with what's going on inside of me right......
I can't imagine NOT doing it: /
The lion's share of my heart says the children were more important and......
all that's necessary for the triumph of evil.......
and all that.
I don't think I'll be able to keep the same relationship I have now anyway so..... might as well have stepped out of it when there was more to be gained, when my niece's wellbeing was on the line.
BTW..... I have a friend with an autistic son.
Her parents begged to pay for and take him to the doctor for testing, long before she was ready to face it.
She spent the majority of her time getting angry at everyone around her for 'causing' her son's behavior.... very sad.
What part did I play? The kid got along well with my children and was stable playdating at my home, though quiet and off on his own..... so,
I wasn't as brave as you.... I didn't urge her to get him tested. I confused testing for austism with ADHD testing and told her they couldn't tell so early. I wasn't educated about it and I don't know if I could have talked her into testing any earlier if I had been.
I doubt it but...... now she wishes she'd had him tested earlier bc she sees how early intervention really helped other children.
Not her son, who's large, 4yo, bites and rages..... still poops in his pants and has a party with it all over the floor, walls and bed and was dx'd about the time she gave birth to a third very large boy who she's watching for signs of autism now.
::shaking head:: I don't have enough energy to feel guilt about that one though.
I can't imagine what life will be for them if he continues on the path he's on.
Their entire family life orbits around their son's rages.
They have a DAN appt. in TX in a couple months.
It gives them hope.