Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Lupita on November 04, 2007, 07:06:59 PM
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Anesthetized. I feel anesthetized. This morning I got up at 7:30 to go to choir rehearsal to play during the service in the church I play on Sundays. And one of the choir members said, I was going to slow. The choir director looked at me and I raised my shoulders, like saying that I do not know, I wanted to say I am not the choir director, I do not set the pace, and you go so slowly and you drag me down so badly, but I did not say anything, and kept going, then they said something else and I said I will do whatever you want, and then another member said that way I can say I was told to and that I was a puppet master, then another member said that I was not giving the correct notes, then I said that did not need that job, that I was doing for the pleasure to play for the Lord and if they were not comfortable I did not have to come, then one said I just have a big mouth, and then everybody applauded and said I was doing a great job. Go figure. They are 67 to 70 years old and they behave exactly like my students at the high school.
The point here is that I was not disgusted, I did not fight back, I was anesthetized. I still am. I am so exhausted, that I do not feel. God will help me to continue living. To understand boundaries. Last night I forgot to enforce my boundaries. My son’s girlfriend’s mother called me to invite me to eat. But I play in a church close to her house almost one hour away from mine. I forgot that and I said yes, when I knew I had to be in my house after service, eat with the custodios of my school who invited me previously, and then go back to her place. I forgot CB123 “I will check my agenda and get back to you” I forgot, and I said yes. Then I had to comply. I am exhausted. But the good thing is that seven months ago I did ot have any invitations and now I have invitations to the point that I am exhausted to go to so may people’s houses. Bless the Lord.
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::patting Lupita on the back::
I'm worried about ya'Lup.
I think old folks are always going to complain, cause they have little else to do and that's been my experience with them too. I remember being on the board of a condo association with lots of old folks. Good Lord..... so many complaints over NOTHING.
It's what they do and I'm glad you weren't upset. Just worried about how you were feeling in place of feeling bad.
Your recognizing your luck at having invitations, to share fellowship and food, with other's is a good thing.
I bet you remember to say.... "let me check my schedule and get back to you" next time..... what a good suggestion from CB.
I hope your day at school goes well. I'll say a little prayer for you and remember not to let their words in. Catch them and observe..... ask them what they meant exactly by what they just said. Ask them why they would say such a thing, without emotion. Be amused and lighthearted. Don't let them see they get to you.
Put it back on them and put them on the spot if you can. Rise above and know that you're right and you've done nothing wrong for them to tear you down. Do a good job and keep moving forward.
Have you seen any promising jobs on any of those sites you were looking into?
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Lupita,
You are doing so well. I am thinking about you. And I hope you feel better. I am glad you have invitations. That is a nice blessings. Helps to counter all the other voices.
I think the exhaustion is understandable. My goodness! You are exerting so much energy managing with a job that is filled with toxins and you are trying to adopt an entirely new way of thinking and feeling and THAT takes a tremendous amount of energy too. My T says that working on our emotional stuff is more of a workout that going to the gym-- literally. And we have to be kind to ourselves through the process because it is so taxing. I so understand wanting to socialize but not finding the reserves for such activities.....but we go anyway.
Creating healing space and activities in your day will help to replenish...as will these invitations. Hopefully they are abundantly kind people and they can help to fill you up too.
Concerned for your wellbeing.....and waiting to hear about any job opportunities.
Poppy
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Sending peace, Lup...
warm peace.
love
Hops
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Dear Lupita,
I know that "climbing out of the hole" that your M's messages put you in is heartbreaking and so so hard.
I see that you ARE getting better---little by little--Lupita. Love Ami
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Today is Tuesday. There I go. To work again. The day was not perfect yesterday but did not have any major event. And that is something to be grateful. But I know that it is not my good work, (I am an excellent teacher), it is because Mr. V used his power to help me. In a way God protected me. But I want to be able to rely on my self, not to have to ask for help from a bigger dos like Ami says, but to rely in that I am a good teacher and that they want me because I am a good element. That is never going to happen. If I did not have Mr. V's sympathy, I would be in the street right now.
Still, I should eb grateful, but feel flat, blunt, a little sad.
Thank you for your support.
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WHO are 'THEY'?
Mr. V is one of the THEY, right?
You have good people and bad people and in between people everywhere, Lupita.
Perhaps if you learn to carry yourself like someone who won't let the meanies get away with being awful, they'll pick on someone else.
They're going to be picking on someone, after all, as unhappy as they are.
Why not think of this experience as drawing fire away from those who are even less capable of handling this kind of conflict/attack.... and do some research into asserting yourself, holding strong on appropriate boundaries and verbally communicating and fencing with those kinds of people?
I bet the internet is full of information, there for the surfing.
You need skills and you need to carry yourself with more confidence, Lupita.
You'll be all right.
Thank God things have calmed down for you.
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Dear Lupita,
If God provided a "bigger dog"----take it with gratitude----not shame. You needed help. It was a gift. I had a bigger dog help me when my H was awful to me. I could not help myslef and I was sinking.
I NEEDED help. God provided. It is simply a gift. Love Ami
(((((((((((((Lupita, Mr V))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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So I had a bad day. First during third period, one of my dearest students was rolling eyes, and not paying attentiont class? Why odes it hurt? She is 14 yo, just a little kid. Why does it hurt?
Sixth period, a senior comes late, yelles, tells anwers to my questions after repeated warnings not to do so because I was asking questions to other students, until I had to send him to the office to sit there, so i cn teach my class. At the end, I go to the office to talk to the assistant principal about this senior, and she says that he already talked to Dr. U about me and that I should talk to him. So I try to talk to Dr. U but his door is closed and the secretary tells me that he is sick and he does not want to be bothered. So I write a discipline referral and give it to the assistant principal, and then she said that she will take care of it. I asked her, so, you think I still have to touch base with Dr. U? and she said I will take care of it. I called the parent, and she promissed me that she was going to talk to the student.
I am afraid. Why cant I feel that the principal is going to back me up? Why did he get sick so quickly? Just when I was coming to talk to him? Was that in purpose, exactly when they saw mw coming and he got into his office?
I cannot bother Mr. V about these problems. This student is very disrespectful and it seems that I am the onlyone to complain. Why am I always in trouble? Why so few people like me? Why cant I be successful? Why do I have to have fear all the time?
I had a bad day last week on Tuesday. Again today is Tuesday.
Is somebody just coaching the kids on Tuesday? What the hell is going on?
Why nobody loves me?
By the way, tomorrow is my f*c*ing birthday. I still have to go to work, see Dr U and they are going to say Happy birthday and I know they are hypocrites. I have to smile. I have to swallow my fury.
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Dear Lupita,
My general sense is that you are perceiving some "persecution" that is not there.(principal sick b/c you were there--for example) However,it seem like much is there , for sure.
I think that the good news AND the bad news is that so much of how other's relate to us is based on our self concept--bleh--I know.
I am so sorry that you seem to be in a "House of Horrors" that you can't escape from. My heart aches for you. It is not your fault that you perceive things as so 'hostile" to you. It is your "lens" that your mother "implanted "in you.
It really is not your fault. Anyone would be in the same place with a M like yours.
My M was wonderful compared to yours and I am a "mess" so I am not judging-- not one bit. My heart just goes out to you, Lupita dear. Love Ami
((((((((((((((((Lupita))))))))))))))))
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Happy Birthday, Lupita.
From this non hypocrite..... Happy Birthday (((lupita))
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Dear Lupita,
Not long now till your first counselling session on November 8th
Thinking of you and may your heart be filled with peace on your special day.
"Happy Birthday to YOU"
Love,
Leah
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As soon as I start building a little self esteem, something happens, and I feel again powerless. I do not know if it is the same wat other places. Always me. Alwasy having problems.
In my school I have some kids that are very bad.
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Hi Lupita,
I am stuck with how to help but I offer my wish that you find some happy moment tomorrow.
Maybe just telling yourself Happy Birthday. Over and over.
Happy Birthday, Lup...
love
Hops
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Happy Birthday Lupita! Hope you have a great day!
Love and Peace,
Changing
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Dear Lupita - Happy Birthday!!
I think you and I have something the same happening. When people are jerks to us, we think it is US. When really if we could follow them around, we would see those people being jerks to everybody.
Teenagers are notorious jerks.
I wish you a jerk-free birthday!
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The day of my birthday, Wednesday, the school board fired Dr. U. The assistant principal was appointed intern head os school. Probably until the end of the year. Next summer I will look for another job.
It seems that he had problems with other people too. Not only with me. They fired him beause he had problems with the bible teacher, big power in my school. The bible teacher is untouchable. The problems with me they just used to get rid of him. I was not important. I will never be important. Some teachers were crying. He had his funs. Like my mother with my sister and brother, they love her because she was good with them, they are totally unaware of what I have sufered. Same at school. I am the only pray everywhere.
This time I guess that Mr. V helped me because the scolded the lady of the library, and Dr. U came to my classroom less often. So, I should be more fair with God, giving dredit for the many good things that he does for me.
Not to suffer because I was not important enough.
But I know that they would have put up with Dr. U if he did not mess up with Bible teacher.
I know I have to be thankful for the good things that happen to me instead of suffer for the few bad things. But I am negative. I am. Difficult to change the tapes, like Ami says. It seems that Ami is making sense to me now.
Today Friday I did not go to work. I am exhausted.
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Dear Lupita,
Why do you see that you were not important?
May I ask the question: how did the counselling session go?
The counselling will help you 'change the tapes'
Love,
Leah
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It's ok to sink into feeling negative.
It's ok to not feel guilt about it.
It's important to realize, however.... that you eventually have to pull yourself out of it and keep moving.
Hopefully, you're moving in a more positive direction, Lupita.
Maybe you'll feel better once the pressure of Dr. U has dissipated.
Once you feel better..... once the opression FEELS like it's been lifted, you experience relief and gratitude.
I'm not even sure how you KNOW Mr. V only fired him bc of the bible teacher.
How do you know you'er just an excuse for firing the Dr?
If the Bible teacher has so much power...... and the Dr. was messing about with that..... why wasn't he immediately dismissed upon first messing?
I think you're worth something and that Mr. V agrees.
Just my two cents.
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Dear Lupita,
For you to get to the point where you are looking at changing the 'tapes" within you-----is a big turning point.
I am realizing about codependency .. It is a way for us to stay "stuck" and always need s/one else to bail us out.
It is a completely '"unworkable" solution to our problem of feeling pain inside us.
I can see you,in my mind's eye. You are a beautiful person ,inside and out.You are gifted with intelligence, humor and creativity.
The ONLY thing wrong with you is that you believed lies. You( and I) were brainwashed. In order to be brainwashed, we had to have our trust in ourselves "bombed" out. Then, we were ready to be programmed to hate ourselves and do do whatever our "masters"(N mothers) want.We had instructions,"Destroy yourself."We did .
We were brainwashed like cult members. Cult members can be perfectly intelligent people. After being in a cult, they can kill themselves and wait for the flying saucers to take them away.
I was brainwashed to a very 'scary" degree. . She turned me against myself.
It is totally out of God's will for us to loathe ourselves.
You( and I) have to come out from the "cult". It is very painful b/c we have to feel the pain that we pushed down. .
We have to reclaim what we were forced to "throw away---ourselves.My heart goes out to you .Lupita. You are in my thoughts and prayers . Love to you , Ami
((((((((((((((Lupita)))))))))))))))))))
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And another thing, Lupita....
I don't think God fired Dr. U.
I think Dr. U got himself fired for innapropriate behavior, displaying outright bigotry and picking on the wrong people... people who didn't just fold up and lose their voicess to him.
You're one of the people strong enough to challenge him and call attention to his arrogant unprofessional misconduct.
You weren't the only 'prey' and he certainly stepped on the wrong toes, toes that weren't just yours.
You were't his first prey and you won't be his last, either.
Unless he learns his lesson.... I think he'll only get sneakier and more covert, honestly.
Not your problem anymore though.
His being a hypocrite..... using a position of authority to hurt others..... is about him, not an entire group's spiritual beliefs, or lack thereof.
God didn't give him permission to hurt you.... God didn't fire him.
These things happen whenever people are involved, in all walks of life, not just to you.
Work on carrying yourself with more confidence.
Work on learning how to assert yourself appropriately.
Set your boundaries and learn how to defend them.
Just DOING those things will make you stronger, give you more of yourself and teach you.....
you're stronger than you realize.
I'll quote what you wrote that made me think of the above......
"This time I guess that Mr. V helped me because the scolded the lady of the library, and Dr. U came to my classroom less often. So, I should be more fair with God, giving credit for the many good things that he does for me."
If I misread what you said, I'm sorry.
Feel better.... all that talk about not being worth anything isn't true, btw.
You can say it..... but I'm not going to let it go by without thowing a red flag on the field: /
::toss::
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I'm wondering if you can also feel any relief and joy at this news, Lupita?
Maybe you're just too overwhelmingly exhausted. It's been a real ordeal.
What hit me when I read your post was:
How wonderful! Lupita has just been vindicated in a big way, and she has seen that she DOES matter!
Some justice has been done!
I'm glad to hear this news.
It is right.
love
Hops
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Because there are things that I do not know. For example, still, despite that Dr. U is not tehre anymore, and nobody comes to my classroom to spy me anymore, still have to deal with rejection. The secretaries, one of them, is very rude. The social studies teacher, English teacher and Computer teacher. Plus, the librarian, the assistant principal, the K principal. All those totally dislike me. I have to deal with their rejection every single day. Elementary teachers are indifferent, which is good. The other people are indifferent and only chemestry teacher talks to me, and the custodios. Forth grade teacher is very nice and third grade teachers are very nice too. Middle school teachers are indifferent, one middle school teacher is the wife of the owrship leader, pianist and he wants my piano lessons for him, and the pastor wants and loves his worship leader and wants the piano lessons for him, but since I have the piano lessons, the middle school teacher wife of worship leader doe snot talk to me and looks at me in an ugly way. I mean, it is complicated, difficult, and defnitively it is better now with out Dr. U there harrassing me.
Still I feel very lonely.
Therapy, I do believe that I have more knowledge than that woman recommended by the pastor. I do not think is going to help and I am wasting the moeny 30.00 dollras that with so much pain and sacrifice I make.
I am going to try two more sessions and if I do not hear something that impresses me or does any impact on my thinking, I have to be convenced that she knows, I get better advises here for free than what she said. She said that she is going to teach me how to think positive. Let us see. How long I can pay for this.
I am willing to sacrifice my dance lessons for somebody who really shows me knowledge. Because I cannot pay both. In summary I was not impressed at all by this woman. Very primitive language. I have better voacbulary than her.
I am not being arrogant. Just realistic. And honest. I did not tell her, of course.
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Dear Lupita,
IMO, the board is light years better than therapy. There is so much wisdom ,here. Ami
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I know that the only thing I can do is the same I was doing when Dr. U was there. I have less fear now. But still, I have the uncomfort, the discomfort, the stomach ache of knowing the rejection of that group of people. I have to do the same. Work as hard as I can, do the best I can, love my students, demand respect, give a good example, come early, leave late, give more of my obligations, and at least the students will see that I am trying hard tehy will see, and the parents might see too that I am a good persona and an excellent teacher. Even if they do not see it, with the only fact that they would not bother me I would be very happy. So, if the only thing is that they ignore me, or do not say good morning or turn their heads away from me when they pas by me in the hall way, well, that I do not give a sh*t.
The secretary in the office is dangerous because she could and she has don in the past desrespect me in front of the students, but the next time that she talks to me in a rude way on front of a student I will tell her that she is rude.
I will go to the office as less as possible, and I will pray for them every day. Maybe if they see me working hard, they will sympathize with me. But I have always worked hard and these group of people never have sympatized with me. And wherever I go I am going to find people like that. As a minority ethnic person I am going to find always people who do not like me. No matter how much wonderful I am. So, I need to stop trying and just to try to be positive and happy. "Happy" As if this was possible. I was programmed to be unhappy.
Ami makes sense.
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Dear Lupita,
The Bible says that as a man thinketh in his heart(mind)---so is he.I am trying to have the "truth "about me in my mind. Then, I will BE those things. Then, the outside world will "work'. What does not work,I will have enough wisdom to "fix'(either act or ignore)
You might be seeing slights where there are none. I, do not want to take away your reality. However, when we are in a "bad' state of mind, the outside world seems bad. Maybe,you are being persecuted b/c weak people sense your insecurity and want to take advantage of you.
I think that healing the 'inside" will make the outside become clearer. I am so sorry that you are suffering. I did not have a fraction of the pain that you had and I am suffering,so I would not presume,at all, to judge you .
I think that you are a "hero" to be so accomplished and to have come from such an "unspeakable" as your M. I am sorry if I am hurting you by saying this but I am just as angry at her as I am at mine (maybe more)
How she treated you was UNSPEAKABLE. No animal in all creation would treat their young like that.
You have a big mountain to climb. Just start facing little by little --- the pain. Write how you feel on the board. People will tell you if you are "off base" and you can make adjustments---little by little.
Lupita----you are a remarkable person to be as strong and capable as you are------dear friend.
Love Ami
(((((((((((Lupita))))))))))))
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Thank you Ami. The thing is that I still have stomach ache. I know now, I did not know it before, that it was not onl Dr. U against me. It was several people. I think the pastor is one of them. "Christians"
Social Studies teacer, K principal, English teacher, secretary in the office. Pastor gives me too many hugs. Not because he is inerested on me but because he wants to make other people notice me and become against me.
The next time that he gives me another hug I am going to tell him that please do not do it. Also I will walk away from him, I will avoid him. Same with social stuies teacher and K principal. English teacher I do not care. He is a brown nose and he sucks up so hard. So, he does not mean anything to me. He was sucking up to Dr. U and now he does not have him anymore. To me , anybody with high moral and intelligence will notice that he is a bad bad bad person.
Computer teacher is so arrogant that she just makes me laugh. I do not care about her.
My hope is that when they see that I just do my work and do not mess with anybody they might leave me alone. Plus I do not talk to them, I avoid them and I just smile if I do not have a choice, just smile, and say good morning if I have no choice, just smile and go away. Do my work and go to my classroom. I do not talk to anybody. Nobody. Anybody.
That will keep me safe. They are not good people. "Christians" Hypochristians.
I really want to stop going to church. I need a brake from churches. But as long as I work there I have to go to church. For now I am covered. The Lord helped me with this little job at this church where they needed a pianist. The job came just on time. That was God helping me. Took me out of my school church and provided me for entertaining, since I love to play, and a little money.
So, I have to be fair to the Lord. He did not abandone me. God has been very good to me. And I should be grateful. Grateful for the good things that are many. The problems at the school will disipate little by little. I will pray for that. And I need anyway a job in public shools where they pay more and they do not mind if you smoke or go to night clubs or if you do not want to go to church. I need that. Plus they have a union. I just need a place where they let me work in peace. The Lord will provide. Plus I want to work with younger children, high school is difficult. The Lord will help me. he just did this week.
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The thing is that Dr. U is not there anymore, but I still feel unwelcome. I am ot welcome anywhere. nobody keeps me. Nobody wants me. I am rejected everywhere.
Am I going to find my place?
Even where God provided the big dog (Ami, lol ) and protected me from a PhD and a group of bad people, I still feel afraid. God provided me with a wonderful entertaining that I love, just like that, I recieved a call that they needed a pianist in a methodist church for their Christmas cantata, that saved me from being at my school church, not only saved me from being at my school church, but provided a little money, very little, but very welcome, and for me, it is entertaining. Almost as good as my salsa lessons.
I need to be thankful. My reasoning, my brain tells me that I have to be thankful. My stomach tells me that I am afraid.
The few people who dislike me, will not be able to do anything this year. I hope.
Why am I constantly looking for the aproval of people who dislike me? I always do that. I find people who dislike me and I try so hard so hard to get them to like me. It is like an obsession.
I look for the eyes of these people, I receive the rejection, and my heart crys.
Not even kids do it. When I get mad at a student, the student knows that he has disrupted my class, the student knows that I am going to give him a look. The student avoids my eyes. And these are kids, just kids. I am 51 years old and I look for the eyes of the person who I know rejects me, and I espect a smile, and I know it is not going to happen. And I still look for those eyes. When I should turn my head the other way, and avoid the eyes, so I do not give them the pleasure to give me the ugly look.
I need to avoid those eyes. I need to not to need their smile. Their smile is not going ot happen. I know they have some hiden reasons to reject me and I cannot change them. The pastor is putting people against me. But te next time he gives me a hug in public I will tell him to please not to do it. I will simply avoid him, pretend that I do not see him. So, he will not have the opportunity to give me a hug. I am so happy i do not have to go to thst church. As soon as the cantata is over, I have to go back to that church. Hopefully they might like me and they might want to keep me.
I have to avoid those people. Social studies teacher, K principal, secretary number 1, and pastor. Those four. If they do not notice my presence, they mgith forget me.
I have to be grateful. I do not need their smile. I do not need them, period. God will help me. God just showed me his myracles. God just protected me big time. I should not be afraid.
I have everything I need. Not everything I want, but everything I need. Even in the valley of darkness i shall not be afraid because his pastor rod is protecting me.
I have to froce my self to be grateful. God just gave me a graet manifestation of his mercy, and i am still afraid. Shame on me.
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Dear Lupita,
The stomach ache is probably fear. It settles right in to the stomach.I want to ask you to consider s/thing. I know that most people do not want to entertain this b/c they think that it will hurt too badly. HOWEVER, your inner life is replaying all the time in your outer life so how much worse could you hurt than you already are?
Get a book thst shows you how to contact your inner child. "Healing Your Aloneness " by Margaret Paul is my favorite.
Lupita ,your mind is so "disordered' with pain from your childhood that it is hard for you to correctly discern the outside. I am NOT saying that this is not happening. I would never do that b/c I am not there and could never know. However,maybe the pastor is hugging you b/c he can see that you are hurting and you are interpreting it wrong. Maybe some of the people who "don't like' you are just having a bad ,personal day.
Your "perceptions' may be oriiented to "people not liking you" when maybe they are just in their "own heads"
Lupita---you are a beautiful person. Your only problem is faulty tapes.
If a magic wand could change the tapes-----you would be confident, popular, happy and joyous. You HAVE to find the "magic wand" that will touch that deep place where you were programmed WRONG by your horrible mother.
It is that SIMPLE--in theory. In practice ,those bad tapes you see as YOU. They are comfortable, even though they are miserable. They are your identity---even though it is torture.
I will help you from the beginning to the end--if you want my help. Love Ami
(((((((((((((Lupita))))))))))))))
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Dear Lupita,
It is NOT your fault that you are desperate for approval and afraid. It is not your fault at all. You were programmed in a faulty way. You were brainwashed.
You can heal. Honestly. It is NOT HOPELESS.
Love Ami
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I am not imagining things Ami. I promise. Pastor dislikes me. When I went to him for the problems with Dr. U, his first question was, why you dont leave? I said, I am here by no accident. God called me to be here and minster to the kids. He only hugs me when he has big public. Like in front of the chapel, faculty meetings. He put me in the spot when I became a member and called Mr V to stand by me, but he did not call his wife, only him.
I dont know. Ami you just confused me very much. Pastor is a puppet in the hands of the powerful people of the church. Fortunately, the powerful people of the church are good people. The accountant of the school and Mr V. Pastor has to do whatever they tell him to do. Pastor makes one hundred thousand and I mahe 24 and I work much harder than him.
Maybe I just have to avoid him, because I cannot discern. Ami, that is true. I do not know who is enemy and who is not. I cannot discern. True.
I have to force my self to be thankful.
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Dear Lupita,
You are very insighful and talented. Inside you is a beautiful treasure---the real you--- the authentic "core" of you. You can mine it -like gold. Trust me. You can heal,Lupita. You can be whole. Love Ami
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I am going out ,now. Write later,Lupita---if you want to. I KNOW that you can heal. You have seen me heal--right before your eyes---haven't you?
It will be the same for you----Lupita.
We are just in a 'hole" of false ideas about ourselves. It is so simple,but yet hard.I will talk to you later,if you want Love Ami
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"The secretary in the office is dangerous because she could and she has done in the past desrespect me in front of the students, but the next time that she talks to me in a rude way on front of a student I will tell her that she is rude. "
Eh.... if that secretary is rude to you again.... esp in front of students...... consider it an opportunity to practice some skills.
As follows:
Secretary: Says something rude to Lupita in front of students....
Lupita: Says, in a chipper amused manner...."What you said is very rude..... what exactly is your motivation for modeling such innapropriate behavior for the students?"
Then stand there and blink at her..... till she says something. It will be difficult to explain her behavior and calling meanies on it is exactly what you should be doing, IMO. You may remain professional and appropriate.... that's the important thing.
If she gets mean.... you can treat it the same way.....
Lupita's response to a snark: "And there it is again...... puzzling."
Then look puzzled and unruffled.... walk away shaking your head.
OR..... walk away saying that "perhaps Mr. V should provide some classes in manners for the faculty?"
She wins if she manages to ruffle your feathers or get you to behave badly.
You win if she looks like a complete idiot for her innapropriate unprofessional behavior.
The next time she does it..... insert the words Innapropriate and unprofessional so you don't have to think about what to say.
She's all those things and I can't imagine what she'll say when asked to explain it.
Remember to stay unruffled.
So far, their best efforts have gotten the head meanie kicked out, uncerimoniously, on his ass. I guess they can get in line. ::shrug::
As far as your arriving early and staying late, you don't have to do that to keep your job, imo.
It sounds like some of your angst is office politics, esp with the piano lessons? Can you give an extra lesson, instead of arriving early or staying late?
Make someone happy with that time, as opposed to make the other teachers feel like you're kicking their asses in the classroom, lol?
Chat up the nice ones more and notice the meanies less?
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Well dear Light, those sound like wonderful ideas if I could execute them. I will try, that is ofr sure. I start tu understand Ami and you. I did not before. I start to understand now. It is difficult. I will try. But I will avoid them as much as I can.
My brain is very slow to react. I still get paralized. When someone gets me I get paralized. I wuld have to be alert all the time, that impossible.
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I think what happens is that I am constantly dissociated. Out of here. That is why everybody catches me off guard all the time. My brain is away. And to bring it back takes time and too late to respond. Then I go home on shame, and start torturing my slef, why i did not say this of the other?
But it takes me days, several days to figure out what I should have said.
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Maybe if you start journaling you won't be caught so off guard or become so upset and confused?
You can have your feeling and responses down pat, be at peace with them and really understand why and what is happening when it happens.
You don't have to remain so trapped in this spriral.
You can reverse it, get control of it, become very sure about how you feel and why so that no matter what anyone says you're capable of responding appropriately.
They try to upset you.
They transfer their agression to YOU bc they can and have been doing it successfully.
Stop thinking about them like they're omnipotent, Lup.
They're just scared unhappy little people who prolly had scary childhoods, just like you.
I guess they identified with the people who harmed them.... and so they behave like they did.... or not.
Doesn't matter, what matters is that you can get a handle on this and stop the pattern of becoming shocked or blindsided.
Journal for an hour, begin with yelling in that journal and raging.... rant then read it.
Write some more.
Read it.
Distill it down to it's lowest common denominators and you will be very aware of your true feelings about it.
They won't be able to tip you off balance any longer if you know your own mind and gain some confidence in those feelings.
((((Lupita))) I wish you had someone to give you big hugs. Cyber hugs aren't the same: /
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Dear Lupita,
Remember when I would talk about wanting to be "real". When you are saying that you feel dissociated, you are talking about being "numb" or not "real. '
When we have backgrounds like ours, we get "numb". Then ,we are like 'ghosts" going through our lives. We don't feel "real". We feel like we are in a fog or' "underwater".'
It is "normal" for you to be like this after such a cruel upbringing. Anyone would be. You couldn't help it. The God given defense mechanism of denial kicked in so that you could survive.
You accomplished so much when you have suffered so greatly.
There is nothing wrong with you other than your conditioning.That is why you are "out of it" and don't react quickly.
Lately, I have been noticing how paralzyed I am. I never really noticed it before. Certain situations trigger it. I just "freeze" inside and I feel like I am going in slow motion. Mainly,I can't think.
This has to be part of our shutting down from trauma.
Lupita, there are steps that you can take to heal. They will work and you can slowly get your sense of self back.It is buried---but not lost forever.All hope is not gone--even though it may feel that way. Love Ami
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I wont need these people. I do not care for them, I do not need their smile, I do not need to look in their eyes. I just have to do my work. Just to do the best I can and that is it. I have to live as if they did not exist. To think they are naked. Look at them as if they were naked.
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I'm worried about you giving up your dance lessons, quite frankly.