Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Gaining Strength on November 09, 2007, 11:46:46 AM

Title: Tool for moving ahead - God's Favor
Post by: Gaining Strength on November 09, 2007, 11:46:46 AM

I continue to make progress.

I have learned some very helpful information about my mother in the meanwhile.  I have known most of my life that she lies about significant and insignificant things.  I have known that I cannot count on her for anything.  Not once in my life has she offered me advice or encouragement or support.  Once in my late 20s when I was in a difficult marriage and living 700 miles away I called and asked for her help.  Her basic comment to me was that "No wonder it wasn't a good marriage.  I disagreed too much with my husband."  This from a woman who never liked the man I was married to.  (In fact as a point about my parents - they have NEVER taken into our family any of our spouses.  This helps me recognize the severe twisted psychological world that I crew up in.  It was all masked to the community around us.)

My mother now has a women who sits with her to help her drive and get around as my mother has only just begun to drive after breaking her hip Memorial Day weekend. This lovely woman, L, has filled me in on so many things that I FELT had been going on but was gaslighted if I brought the problems up.  Here is a bizarre little example.  I decorated my mother's house for Halloween.  I oned an orange storage bin for the decorations but this year purchased more and needed more storage space.  She voluunteered to buy another bin for me.  Sure!  When L drove her to get it L pointed to an oragne container and my mother said, "No I don't like that one."  So L suggested a clear one. "No - that's not what I want. I want that blue one over there."  While they were at the store and L was picking up some other items my mother called me and said, "They are all out of orange bins will a blue one do?"  "Sure" I told her - suspicious about the truth of her comment.

The whole thing is so miniscule and insignificant but I am just atonished that she would VOLUNTEER to get a bin and then refuse to get the one that was appropriate for the use and then make up a lie about the whole thing.  She has done this to me all my life but only on a rare occassion have I have actual proof. 

Here's another example - she was late in getting her tag renewed and L got stopped and was given a citation.  My mother agreed to pay for the ticket and then asked L to go immediately to the courthouse to gt her tag renewed.  Well the next week L called me to say that when she asks my mother about paying the ticket my mother told her tht she had given it to my brother to handle but that he was out of town.  I told L that my brother was back and that I would call him.  (I was quite suspicious about this whole thing.) My brother had no idea what I was talking about.  I called L to let her know that the ticket had not yet been paid but that I would look into it.  She said she knew that my brother was busy and all.  I bit my lip and then I just decided to be straight forward.  "L, mymother never called my brother.  I'm going to see what I can find out.  Feel free to call me and ask me any time if you don't hear back from me right away."  Later that week I asked my mother for the ticket so I could get it paid.  She said she didn't know where it was and would look for it later but that she was too tired.  A couple of days later I went through her things - the ticket was no where to be found.  I am certain that she has thrown the thing away. Out of sight out of mind - warrant to be served for L.

I cannot tell you how helpful it is to actually see how she uses half-truths and gasllighting to "avoid" anything that she doesnot want to deal with.  She has systematically undermined me and my brothers all of our lives.  The rage I feel is intolerable. 

I ran across a book that has been very helpful.  It falls right in line with the type of philosophy that I have been working on for the many months that I have been posting here.  It is a small booklet by a christian author named Bob Buess entitled Favor the Road to success.  Each tiny chapter basically tells me over and over to claim God's favor in everything I am facing each and every day.  To calim it and expect it.

Has anyone else read this book?  I am as determined as ever to get over my anger and resentment about my past and to move past my fear and paralyses into action and hope  and healing.

GS

Title: Re: Tool for moving ahead - God's Favor
Post by: lighter on November 09, 2007, 12:21:31 PM

GS wrote: 

" Each tiny chapter basically tells me over and over to claim God's favor in everything I am facing each and every day.  To claim it and expect it."

I really loved this, GS.

Title: Re: Tool for moving ahead - God's Favor
Post by: Ami on November 09, 2007, 03:44:03 PM

Dear GS,
  I can really relate to you. Gaslighting is a direct route to make us "insane". I am happy that you have "proof" that the problem was not you.
 Now, unfortunatley, we have the legacy within us of all the years of their "gaslighting.
  That is the real problem.
  The only real thing that gives me peace is knowing that my life was not a "waste" b/c I found God. I,only ,found him when I was so down that I had no other "option".( An N mother will do that to you.)
 I fell very low,but I found the most wonderful in life--God.
 This helps me very much.
 As far as daily living,I try to see myself as God sees me---- worthy of love and life. I try to get His love inside me so I can heal and I can offer love to others.That is my goal for my life.
 I think that healing is about putting God's tapes inside our head instead of the N mother's messages.
 I have missed you ,GS.I have been thinking about you.                 Love   Ami

((((((((((((((((((GS))))))))))))))))

Title: Re: Tool for moving ahead - God's Favor
Post by: Gaining Strength on November 09, 2007, 09:15:46 PM

Quote

I,only ,found him when I was so down that I had no other "option".( An N mother will do that to you.)

Isnt' that the truth -

I haven't gotten my internet working.  It is the craziest problem - just one of those things that is so dificult to work out with the cable company that at times it is simply not worth the effort.  I'm going to try to apply that same positive thought/belief pattern to the inter problem - I have really missed being here. - GS

Lighter - thanks for your note.  I'm glad you liked it.  It is really helping me deal with my family and my life situation.  My T has been so very encouraging.  He believes that I am right on the verge of pulling things together.  I choose to believe he is correct.

I found this fascinating "triangle" by googling "shame +anxiety +paralysis" and I'm going to try to post it here.  No luck - maybe Izzy can tell me how.  Here's the web address:  http://www.arasfoundation.org/triangle_image.html

Title: Re: Tool for moving ahead - God's Favor
Post by: Overcomer on November 10, 2007, 08:48:01 AM

gs-I have missed you too.  Your mom reminds me of my mom.  It is so crazy and makes you unstable.  It is hard to deal with is it not?

Title: Re: Tool for moving ahead - God's Favor
Post by: Leah on November 10, 2007, 09:38:23 AM

Quote

I found this fascinating "triangle" by googling "shame +anxiety +paralysis" and I'm going to try to post it here.  No luck - maybe Izzy can tell me how.  Here's the web address:  http://www.arasfoundation.org/triangle_image.html

GS,

Maybe as well, as it has a copyright attached and the guy might not be a happy bunny.
You have signposted it well for all to study.
It would seem to be based on 'Maslow's Actualization' pyramid.

Love, Leah

Title: Re: Tool for moving ahead - God's Favor
Post by: Gaining Strength on November 10, 2007, 10:27:17 PM

Thanks overcomer.  I do so hope to be back regularly soon.  I am at long last making progress on my house.  I had three men spend the entire day reclaiming my yard.  There is still much more to do but at least you can see the house now.  And I have an organizer coming to get strated on the inside on Friday.

Leah - I bet you are right.  This was a real find for me because it took me so long to understand that my paralysis came from anxiet and shame.  I have never read anything that correllated those three before so when I found it it was much like the experience of finding out about Nism.  I have not met anyone else completely paralyzed by shame and anxiety though I am sure they are "hidden" in this life.

I am so glad to be finding a way into a life again.  It has been so lonely and painful these past few years.  I have such real hope and am finally seeing tangible evidence of change.  It is such an encouragement. - yours - GS

Title: Re: Tool for moving ahead - God's Favor
Post by: lighter on November 11, 2007, 07:26:38 AM

Wow, GS....

when I clicked on that link......  I about fell over when the triangle popped up, lol.

It looked so complicated but made sense when I studied it.

Recognize everything there... thanks for sharing and look forward to hearing about a big breakthrough for ya: )

Title: Re: Tool for moving ahead - God's Favor
Post by: Ami on November 11, 2007, 07:36:21 AM

Dear GS,
   I really like the triangle ,too. Thanks so much.                          Love   Ami

Title: Re: Tool for moving ahead - God's Favor
Post by: Gaining Strength on November 11, 2007, 10:00:14 AM

Glad you liked it Lighter and Ami.  I went back and looked at it just now.  The guy who devised this used to give seminars based on his triangle.  I would be very interested in learning more.  I so fully get ALL the stuff inside the triangle but I don't really get the stuff on the outside - and of course that is exactly where I plan to get.

when I first looked at the triangle I could only really take in the three inside corners: Anxiety; Avoidance; Unworthiness.  It was so shocking to see there in black and white, a triangle, with some of the very issues that I have been assiduously working to overcome on a daily basis. 

When I just looked again I really saw for the first time that Self Doubt is highlighted, enboldened, right in the center. That really speaks to me.  While the triangle doesn't give me a clue as to how to get on the outside, here's a little excerpt from my little book of Favor.  "If you expect favor to flow to you from your Father's table then you can come and dine today. Living in doubt, fear, frustration and I cannot do it will only bring evil into your life."

Just under "self doubt" in the triangle is "helplessness".  Oh my heavens.  I have fallen into such a trap of helplessness.  What a shock to see it tied directly to "self doubt" surrounded by "despair" (that's me), "failure" (me too), and "isolation" (oh my gosh).  And then to see the connective tissue between anxiety and avoidance is "paralysis" and between unworthy and anxiety is "shame", the two things I have written about most since I've been here.  The only thing in the triangle that does not connect with me is "boredom".  I suspect I could scrounge around and find a substitute word for that which does apply to me but "boredom" does not.

So, I found this triangle that describes me to a nutshell.  The only thing it leaves out is, "How did I get in this triangle?" and "How do I get out?"  I definitely am on the path out.  For me it is changing around the way I view and react to the world, which has everything to do with how I got into this trap in the first place.  The more I work on changing my world view the more I understand how I got here and the more I am able to move out of it.

My experience with my mother and the orange bin was so helpful because is was a shining light into my life long experience of having the rug pulled out from underneath me by my own family and then when I complained being made out as "the problem."  I've been through a psychologicallly similar experience with one of my brothers and nephews this weekend.  I found myself in a psychological maelstrom that was pulling me down into a dark abyss.  The only way out was to put all of my effort into meditating and concentrating on positive thoughts and on being loved and feeling love.  It was a real battle for two nights (while I stayed with my nephew).  I got very little sleep and each time I awoke with such a tremendous sense of dread and wretched (reoccurring) dreams I would return to meditation positive thoughts.  It is an extraordinarily powerful experience for me to begin to break free from this ever present darkness I have lived in.

My whole life, and I am not alone here, especially as a child, I was marginalized and belittled and told things that boiled down to leaving me in a state of expecting the worst.  (Since my teens, even before that, getting up in the morning has been difficult because of an indescribable sense of dread.  It has taken me years to understand where this came from.)  Why have I always expected the worst? Because the worst was expected of me!!!

The same action done by two different people will be interpreted according to our view of the person.  If we like the person me might praise the action.  If we dislike the person we might excoriate the same action.  Well many of us here lived in a world where whatever we did was viewed through a lens of condemnation.  When you live in a condemning family, especially one that claims to "love" you, there is little hope of becoming anything but a self-condemning person filled to the core with "Self Doubt".

So now the cat's out of the bag for me.  I lived in a condemning family.  I became self-condemning and bitter that the world rejected me and powerless to do anything about it.  I was victimized and have been waiting for someone to come along and rescue me - someone, anyone!!!  Not a good, hopeful or successful position to be in - just a set-up for more victimization.  I look back in amazement at how foolish it seems that for so long I thought that if someone could recognize how desparate I was that they would rush in and rescue me.  HELLO!!  People see deparation and RUN!!!  Would that help me understand why I have been living with rejection and in isolation?  It might be an itty bitty clue.

"Expect to be kicked around, and ther will be those who are eager to do it.  Expect success and favor with God andman, and you will get exactly what you expect."

"Daniel was a captive.  He was a foreigner.  His people were hated in Babylon.  There was no earthly reason for him to have favor with the leaders in this gentile court.   Why did he have favor?  He had favor flowing from his spirit.  He expected good things to happen.  he had a healthy attitude toward others, regardless of his surroundings.  He did not allow his adverse circumstances to turn him sour.  He had a sense of success flowing from within.  he had authority.  He walked in strengght and in victory."

(from my little book of Favor)

I've got the picture!!!!!

My whole life I was scapegoated, projected onto and treated like scum and I began to act like scum and expect to be treated like scum and treat others with those expectations and in like manner.  I was SO helpless!!! and SO deparate!!!  And the only way out was to be rescued.  WRONG!!!

I am pulling myself out of the mire.  I will not be defeated and I will not languish in dispair and loneliness and isolation any longer.  Things are beginning to happen for me and I am thankful.  And as always, indescribably thankful to Dr. Grossman and the Voicelessess community for helping my find my voice. - Love, Gaining Strength

Title: Re: Tool for moving ahead - God's Favor
Post by: Leah on November 11, 2007, 10:19:39 AM

Hello GS,

What is the quoted scripture verse?  for .......... here's a little excerpt from my little book of Favor.  "If you expect favor to flow to you from your Father's table then you can come and dine today. Living in doubt, fear, frustration and I cannot do it will only bring evil into your life."


Have you read and studied  ... Joseph ?  and all he went through ... betrayal by his brothers, lies and deception ... all done against him ... because he had the favor of God on his life.   

Joseph was loved, despised, and finally exalted.

His faith and trust in God was within him all throughout.

Which shows that is only by true faith alone, spirit led belief, in God.

So very very happy for you GS that you have received such a wonderful breakthrough.

Much love,

Leah

Title: Re: Tool for moving ahead - God's Favor
Post by: Gaining Strength on November 11, 2007, 10:31:49 AM

Leah - this is a little 100 page book and I can't find where I saw that.  This particular quote is not from the bible but it was preceded by a vese that this was a comment on.  When I find it I will post it.

I love the story of Joseph and in this little book Buess writes about Ester whose story I did not know - she expected favor even those she was a jew and was living in a land where jews were despised. 

I am going out into the world today expecting to be accepted and loved.  Thanks - GS

Title: Re: Tool for moving ahead - God's Favor
Post by: Leah on November 11, 2007, 10:49:23 AM

Oh thanks GS, when you find it please do post it. 

Esther - love the story and teaching of Esther - of how she became Queen and saved her people, God's chosen people, the Jews.

When we walk with God his favour will always be with us, through various tests and trials along our way.

Joseph's story helped me immensely, regarding all he suffered and went through, and in particular, F B Meyer' book 'Joseph'

...... on my deskpad I have:  "Joseph was diligent in business, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord."



>> Will look out on your thread for the scripture verse that preceded the quote/comment.  thanks

Have a wonderful day!

Love, Leah


PS.  Psalm 5:12 ........ "For thou, LORD, will bless the righteous; with favour you will surround him as with a shield."

Title: Re: Tool for moving ahead - God's Favor
Post by: isittoolate on November 11, 2007, 01:19:23 PM

(http://www.slrkelowna.ca/trask.jpg)

Title: Re: Tool for moving ahead - God's Favor
Post by: isittoolate on November 11, 2007, 01:22:46 PM

There is the triangle as a .jpg in here, but remember one day this thread will be buried.

It is best to mark the website as a favourite, or you can right-click on this and save it to your hard drive in a folder of your choice.

Izzy

Title: Re: Tool for moving ahead - God's Favor
Post by: Ami on November 11, 2007, 02:46:06 PM

Dear GS,
   I think that you had a HUGE breakthrough. I really do. You saw the FOO patterns and how you were programmed to be all the things that you "hate",now.
  If you keep seeking the truth,as you are  doing, you will heal more and more(IMO)
  As you heal, you will open up more to God's love and then you will get the peace and comfort that you  seek.I am so happy for you, GS. I am so glad that you are 'back' . I love your contributions.                             Ami

((((((((((((((((((GS))))))))))))))

Title: Re: Tool for moving ahead - God's Favor
Post by: Gaining Strength on November 12, 2007, 06:28:29 PM

Thanks Ami.  I so appreciate your kind words.  It is so nice that you like my contributions.  It's always nice to be liked. :D

Izzy - How you do dat????????

Title: Re: Tool for moving ahead - God's Favor
Post by: isittoolate on November 12, 2007, 07:07:12 PM

I opened the website, then hit print Screen, then went to Paintbrush and pasted it, then trimmed it and saved it as a .jpg.

Then I transferred it to one of my website folders and uploaded it. Then I typed the URL for that website, and there you are!