Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: isittoolate on November 09, 2007, 07:57:07 PM
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Here’s one for you!
I don’t talk about God and Jesus. I keep my feelings mostly to myself, because like other things, I’m not sure I am right!
I believe God planned that accident for me.
On June 6/69 I had $17.00, $5 was in my purse, $5 was in my jewelery box and $2 was in the bank. My bills were paid and no money until my pay on the 15th.
I was injured on the 7th. I had an out of body experience heading upward to the southwest, then reversed to be back in my body.
He was charged in Provincial court, found guilty of dangerous driving and I sued him.
I had but high school education and an office job, raising a child with no support. Sometimes I feared to look ahead to the future, and in this case the job went computer after I left. I was not into computers yet. I would have been jobless, but putting that aside, that kind of life would make everything more difficult for my daughter and me as the years went by.
I didn’t even think of suing--it never entered my mind, until someone mentioned it. So I hired a lawyer and files a claim.
I received my money on my daughter’s 7th birthday, 1971.
I invested it. In 1972 I bought a house (good investment) and paid it off in 5 years when some of my investments came due. I sold it in 1984 for over 3x what I paid for it and went into a ‘mortgage lending state’ with the help of my lawyer, and loaned out money, interest being something like 15% then. I lived on the interest. Daughter married that year(‘84)
I didn’t waste it. I bought a new car every 10 years. The one I have now, I love so much, I cannot imagine owning anything but a Chrysler Le Baron sports coupe--mine now being 17 years old.
I wonder where I would be if I hadn’t been cracked up. I was messed up and only office jobs on my mind/my experience.
Would I have become a Hooker? Drug dealer? A con artist? No. God did not want that for me and I have been very cautious with the money that I can still live on it, and I was able to provide for my daughter.
Anybody think I am nuts? Grasping at straws? Or can someone see why I think this way and have been therefore able to get thru’ by the skin of my teeth and the hair of my chinny chin chin, and prove to God that His decision was an okay one?
Oddly Izzy
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I think your perspective is tremendously healing. I can hardly believe where you are today in contrast to where you were when you first logged on. Could it be time for a new moniker?
I think your thoughts about God's plan for you are extraordinarily advanced - on a higher plane. I so admire where you are today. You are a true ______ ?????? something amazing.
your friend - Gaining Strength
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iz-I always say that God works in mysterious ways and even though you would have never chosen your life God is able to make good out of it. Even if your daughter and you have things to deal with you still are taken care of. Amazing!
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Izzy,
Could you please tell us about your out of body experience,if you care to. I don't think that it--. is strange at all about your feelings that the accident happened for a 'reason'-----not one bit.
Also, I have seen a metamorphisis in you in the last few weeks. I noticed it before you even wrote this thread. Love Ami
PS---Sometimes ,you can" feel "a person's essence more in cyberspace b/c there are no "distraction" like in the world.
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Hi GS, Overcomer and Ami
Well 3 responses are 3 more than I expected. I do have to tell you that this is not all new, but how do you tell this to just anybody who won't call you crazy. God put you in a car accident? Well my other sister who had just one grade less than I in highschool, did office work and if she hadn't married twice, and been a bossy N, she wouldn't have anything. but she works, walking dogs, cleaning coittages, cleaning homes....so I think..........I just think.
Al wasn't hurt. He had the steering wheel to hang onto, and altho' charged and lost his license for Canada, he was heading for Germany, Armed Forces. He had rented the car so Hertz had to pay the bill. So if it doesn't sound as tho' he was punished enough? Well with my feelling, if this was God's plan, then Al ought not be hurt.
This is not new to me I have thought about this for YEARS. I doubt I have ever mentioned it to anyone, for fear of ridicule---people thinking I am saying *I* deserved to be punished, but that's not it. It was hell but I am still here and can live.
GS, have you come up with a word for that blank line? What do you mean advanced, on a higher plane?
I agree that God works in mysterious ways---his wonders to perform. boy! He had me perform, but how will I ever know if this is right--it just makes terribly good sense to me and has for a long time.
I didin't get into this at the beginning--for fear of.....................something. But there are SO many facets to my life.
Ami
Maybe you see a change in me because I am getting more things off my back? and this?
The out of body experience. Well the 2:00 in the a.m. landscape was like this (http://www.slrkelowna.ca/night.jpg)
I was gently lifted from the car to the median and knew my back was broken and awaiting the amulance.
when the sky turned pastel (http://www.slrkelowna.ca/firesky.jpg) and I turned into a twirling circle rising to the southwest (http://www.slrkelowna.ca/lights2.jpg) but each light was like this(http://www.slrkelowna.ca/lightstick.jpg)
Each black stick had a twinkling light on the end and all sticks were joined in the middle. I kind of felt that each light was a different part of me as I am so convoluted. and the ball (me) spun and turned and spun.
It was so peaceful and without turning my head, I could see me lying on the ground and a blanket being put over me, and I thought, "Well at least I have double indemnity life insurance and a Guardian named for my daughter".
I didn't see a long corridor or a bright white light, but then maybe we disabled people turn and spin in by some other Gate.
So peaceful. not a worry. Then suddenly I was reversing and then felt myself back in my body and the dew on the grass, etc. I have no idea of the time taken.
God and I have our own little secret so I have my way of dealing..............................................
Did I never sound this way before?
Well best get the bad stuff out first, and as OC says....Even if your daughter and you have things to deal with you still are taken care of.
You see Ami, I have been through all this crap in my head since I was a little girl and things just kept getting worse and worse and whodda thunk *I* would be in a car crash, and think God brought it to me. "Everything happens for a reason". All things considered, no matter what I said about my family, they were NOT there for support.
HERE is where I have had support and no one hs laughed at me
Love
(http://www.slrkelowna.ca/izzy.gif) (http://www.slrkelowna.ca/pinkflower.gif)
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Oh my, Izzy....
as pretty as you are..... as much as men want to own and control pretty women.....
You would have had the drama of office politics and relationships..... probably some bad relationships and maybe one great one with a very nice nurturing man who recognized a gem when he found one?
The bad men recognize a beach donkey when they see one.
I do know that God works in mysterious ways..... and there seems to be a reason for everything, though it's never apparent early on.
I realize that didn't make much sense.... but it's what came to mind: /
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Dear Izzy,
Firstly, I love the picture of Jesus in the clouds and have taken the liberty of a copy for my computer. Thank you, hope that's ok.
Noticed the change, in you, immediately upon my return to the board a few weeks ago, with your clear expression of attainment;
having gained answers, knowledge and understanding. Truly wonderful.
God does do things for a reason, and in particular, my anchor has always been that "God works all things together for the good", we don't always see the how and why until much later on.
And so, personally, truly, I do see why you think this way and have been therefore able to get through by the skin of your teeth and the hair of your 'chinny chin chin', and prove to God that His decision was an okay one - and I do truly understand.
For me, the fact that God knew us before we were even formed in the womb, and had set us aside for a purpose in life, his purpose, is absolutely wonderful to know and understand.
(the scripture I refer to is Jeremiah 1:5)
Tis' so very true that God works in mysterious ways - His wonders to perform. And not ours.
What struck my heart is that you have been a 'good steward' with what God has given you. That is what Jesus teaches us to do.
With regard to your out of body experience - that is not surprising to me at all for we are made up of three parts; body, soul and spirit.
Did I never sound this way before? Well best get the bad stuff out first
Likewise for me too, it is only now in the place where I stand today, that I can speak, have a voice, with clarity,
having the attainment of answers, knowledge and understanding.
But this I can say with all honestly; that the place I stand today is by faith alone.
Much love,
Leah
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Izzy,
I had a hard time accepting God for much of my life. Even now I wonder if I 'read into' situations. But I believe I became an alcoholic for a reason - that the low I went to was necessary for me to build my life and to be able to accept what I learned about my mother - or else I would have used the knowledge as a crutch to continue my selfish behavior. I also believe that I was fortunate to make it through so many spots in my life. Izzy, I don't know if what you believe is the truth, but I think it is reasonable to believe it was.
Love, Beth
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Izzy,
Do you have any fear of death-now? Ami
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No Ami, I don't
xx
Izzy
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WOW Izzy. I am so impressed. I "should' have no fear of death but I do. I would love to give it up. Do you have fears in life?
I heard a Bible teaching that if people could get rid of the fear of death, they could live a full, joyful life b/c the fear of death was really the glue that held every other fear ,in place. I might not be explaining myself very well. It said that all fears in life would go(irrational ones) once you got rid of the fear of death.
What do you think? Ami
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Hi Ami,
I already died once!
In the last 5 years since I left the N, I
...have tried my best to live within the limits of my capabilities, therefore no fears
...within those limits I have set up boundaries and try to remember to be assertive, so no one will cross them
...I learned to 'set aside' the toxic people of my life and not let them in.
...i have accepted my fate for quite some years now, re this "can you believe this' post
Understanding the No Contact with the N was no problem, but I had not applied it to the others, which happened to be my family. They were the beginning of my disconnection from feelings. They are toxic in the fact that no support has ever been shown me in all my distorted life.
It has taken the last 2 of the 5 years to reach this point and I search regularly where there might be another problem to fix, or thoughts to be validated (this "can you believe this' post)
As I type this, it almost sounds like preparation for death, as I would like every earthly problem under control, before I draw my last breath. No regrets!
Make any sense?
Izzy
EDIT I don't want to have to come back and do it right. I couldn't stand another lifetime on earth.
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I agree with you Izzy.
I never wanted to come back and have another life on earth.
Death, for me, will be a welcomed rest.... peace and tranquility.
I don't fear it....
I fear having to come back again :shock:
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Dear Izzy,
What I meant is do you have irrational fears and worries like fear of illness, the dentist, being alone, feeling like you will be alone and not able to cope with some upsetting situation----those types of fears---not real concerns--which you expressed.
Maybe ,I am not making myself clear.
I feel very upset and worried about things happening that I will not be able to handle like illness ,accidents etc. I worry about them even if nothing has happened? Do you understand? Ami
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lighter,
let's go hand in hand together!!
Love Izzy
ami
You didn't say irrational before......and no I don't have irrational fears. I have always taken things as they come and don't project into an terrible future.
Izzy
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Thanks Izzy
The people who have NDE's are a different breed of people, as far as I have studied. They are usually peaceful and do not worry. They have faced the ultimate fear(death) and have come back to be able to live life fully.
Thanks for your answers--they were wonderful. Love Ami
(((((((((((((Izzy)))))))))))))))))
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Well, I haven't had a Near Death Experience.
I have been, and continue to be, peaceful and don't worry, nor do I have fears of any kind.
Regarding death - I don't have any fear of death - because I know where I am going!
Walking by true faith in God with a personal relationship with God, makes the difference, for me.
Knowing that I am saved by God's Grace and mercy, and will be 'absent from the body and present with the Lord' gives perfect peace.
Much love,
Leah
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Dear Leah,
I should be like you BUT I am not--- at all------bleh. I am very,very fearful. Did you used to be fearful. If so, what was the process
that you used to overcome it---specifically.? I must not have God's love inside me--enough. It has to be that. What do you think? Ami
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Dear ((((( Ami )))))
No, it's nothing like that, you do have God's love.
There is no 'process' that one can use to overcome .....
because .... it's by Faith
You could consider doing a Word study on 'Faith' and what it is to have the gift of true Faith
Earlier on this year, that's exactly what I did.
Remember, "Perfect Love Cast Out All Fear" ..........whom you have not seen you love, by faith!
1 Peter 1:3-9 became very real and very personal.
Hope that helps.
Much love to you ((( Ami )))
Leah
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GS, have you come up with a word for that blank line? What do you mean advanced, on a higher plane?
Not yet - what I mean is this - when you first came you asked was it too late? And then for a long time each time someone offered you encouragement you would sort of take it but then you would say - "but is it too late?" and sometimes you would simply say, "It is too late." And now here you are writing that your accident - which for most would be the worst thing possible - is God's plan for you and your life is actually better off because of it. That transformation is operating on a higher plane. You have moved out of that place where you talked about having a life of value as being lost to you and now you are talking about transcending a tradgic experience and transforming it into something good. That is simply amazing to me and I am so glad for you. - your friend - GS
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Hi GS
Aha I see what you mean.
And remember I am disconnected from feeling, but I think a lot of thoughts about feelings.
When I joined this board I was pretty well at the end of my stint because, alone, nothing abusive is happening.
All I required was some validation on just about every that had happened.
Then I made this post about my belief, my rationalization, of why the accident happened, and no one laughed at me. No one felt it was a stupid thought.
So with this last, I will have to become accustomed to the fact that others believe as I do, that it could be true. Who knows for sure, but I’ve thought it for a long time
If I could feel deeply, like most people, I might not be unsure of the possibility that my thoughts sounded right on. or a way out of the realm of possibility.
Love
Izzy
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Dear Izzy,
I think that you are talking about the topic ---near and dear to my heart----Trusting yourself. Love Ami
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Well I am afraid too! I am afraid I will leave my children to be raised by someone who does not love them as yuai as I do. I am afraid of dying in a horrible accident with lots of pain and fear at the last minute!
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If I could feel deeply, like most people, I might not be unsure of the possibility that my thoughts sounded right on. or a way out of the realm of possibility.
If you could be sure of the possibility that your thoughts sounded right on then you could feel deeply like most people.
Did you experience any support for your thoughts or feelings as a child or young adult? I suspect not and I suspect it is much more critical than that. I think your statement points directly to the source of your "unfeeling." I started to write that your unfeeling has nothing to do with your nerve damage from your broken spine but as I started to type my mind immediately turned to your initial post in this thread - perhaps your broken spine is directly related to your limited emotional feeling - who knows. - GS
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Dear Izzy,
I think that you are experiencing what survivors of abuse typically experience---they don't trust themselves. ,It is very hard for me to trust myself when I have an impression or an emotion.
I do what my M did.I dismiss my feelings and thoughts as she did. So, I don't trust if I am feeling or seeing "accurately". I second guess myself so much that I become "paralyzed',emotionally.
I bet that I have very good perceptions. I have to trust them . That might be part of where you are,also.
Love Ami
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Well I am afraid too! I am afraid I will leave my children to be raised by someone who does not love them as yuai as I do. I am afraid of dying in a horrible accident with lots of pain and fear at the last minute!
Believe me OC, I was conscious during the three rollovers and had time only to think, "Boy! Izzy! You're being in one hell of a car crash." (Had I died that would likely have been where my thoughts ended.) I never felt any pain of my head bashing my arms or anything. Then once one is paralyzed one feels nothing. I was still conscious and 'directed' people re my recollection of not moving me and my injured back
What is a yuai
Another appendage to my posts is:
What was my daughter told? Was a hospital explained to her? Was she told that I loved her? Was she told that I didn't leave her? Were the letters I wrote to her, read to her or just opened for the cheque? Was she forewarned about the stryker frame (a very intimidating 'bed')? Was she forewarned about a wheelchair, like grandma's (my mother was in wheelchair, too.) Was I mentioned in conversations to keep memories alive? (Stay away from someone too long, you can be forgotten)
I have many questions but wehy ask them now?
Love Izzy
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Hi Ami
Some thoughts we have depend on our trust and faith in God as the answers are unknown. We can think only what feels the most comfortable to live with.
.......and I did mention rationalization!
xx
Izzy
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Dear Izzy,
Don't mean to be "dense" here but I don't understand what you mean(Squished up face)? Ami
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Hi GS
No. I did not receive support from any of my family throughout my WHOLE life. That is the way we were all 'built' by our parents who ought never have been parents.
i have never had deep feelings that I recall. My therapist calls me disconnected from them: that the abuse was more than a little girl could take and I tucked it all away.
I wonder if I have imposed No Contact on my body? It houses the heart, the soul, the spirit?---except if one becomes literal and splits you wide open they can find only a heart that is a piece of meat and has ceased to beat. There are so many other things in there, where is there room for a soul and spirit? (offensive and rhetorical)
The accident caused me to draw on every strength and be pleasant to my visitors. There was not one that even mentioned the accident. I was the elephant in the hospital room. I became tough and I became angry.
When my SIL dismissed me from HIS property, it included my daughter and grandchildren and I cried. Then I stopped. Then 2 years later I cried all one day and haven't cried since. I became resigned and angry.
So much time has passed that I am no longer angry with anyone, as I see the errors that many people make, and these people didn't know how to comfort me, how to discuss a difference in opinion.
I am not perfect by any means as I doubt I could trust anyone again, or love-----it's all fake and I will stay as is where it is safe!
Love
Izzy
Hops this will prevent my bringing up my other post and you are right. The topic has arisen again!
xx
Izzy
Hopalong
Hero Member
Posts: 5453
Re: OK!! Me now and why-- less long but informative
« Reply #15 on: November 10, 2007, 03:40:18 PM »
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Izz...
Your family was paralysed too.
They were completely unequipped with the kind of character needed in a crisis like that (look how they treated their kids and each other), so they failed to come through for you.
They probably wondered why other people knew what to do...but they really didn't know.
(Didn't try too hard to find out, either. But that's what they'd learned, isn't it.)
I am glad your NDE happened. Perhaps the gift within the problem.
xo
Hops
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Dear Izzy,
Don't mean to be "dense" here but I don't understand what you mean(Squished up face)? Ami
do you know if you are going to Heaven or Hell? or your mother? or your sons? or your husband? or Maria?
do you know absolutely that you are doing the right thing, thinking the right way, walking the straight and narrow with only pure thoughts?
Only God knows those answers!
You dig?
However you can think abour your answers and live with the one that is most comnfortable for you here on earth!
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How can I come to terms with a loving God who would have me disabled for life?
I explained it the best way I know how, after much thought, and realized I would have been on Welfare all my life, had I not sued and I required the permanent disability to sue, and now as a senior I would be- living in a ratty tenement?---------well I don't know!
you dig?
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Izzy-
I wouldn't have believed that I could respect you any more, but I do... When I think about you, I see a wise and lovely being who by dint of sheer character has made a special life for herself. No excuses, only realities with which to work. When I catch myself slipping or getting weak, I think of you and carry on, laughing at my mistakes or circumstances, thinking about you wrapping your clothes around yourself and continuing on to the drugstore, etc!!!!
You have had such profound experiences and much to reflect upon, distilling the essences of life experience and meaning. You have been through the fire and come through with many of the impurities removed. I know this must have been, and remains, extremely difficult (((((Izzy))))). Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences- you are my hero, Izzy! And you make me laugh and see the beauty in life when I might be prone to worry or otherwise miss the precious opportunities that I have.
(((((Lighter)))))-
I hope that things get better and better for you. I wish that I could help more, but am sending my love and concern and the hope that you get some peace and rejuvenation and fun!!!
Love,
Changing
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Dear changing
You are just so sweet to me and my shenanigans. I use that word becasue of things that happen to me and things I choose to do.
I was talking with a gal at the office yesterday about being trapped in the car for 3/4 hour trying to get my long casted leg out. Toshi was laughing at my description of being so tall I was banging my head on the roof etc. and then somehow I could see Carol Burnett doing a skit about that---trying to get out of the car with her stiff leg. It would be a hoot and she could really pull it off.
A long time ago I heard/read "Time+Tragedy=Humour and I have found it so true.
As a senior I pull some things too.When I went for my cell phone, I said to the clerk, "I don't want a cell phone but everybody is bit*hing at me so I'm here to buy one", and there I am in a wheelchair with a casted leg........ now he has the phone and talks about setting it up, and I lowered my chin,raised my eyes and pouted at him and asked, "Would you do it for me?" He said "Sure!" and he set it up. I came home plugged it into the cord in the outlet and haven't even done anything with it yet.
Lack of interest I guess, but I must call Visa to take $10/mo to keep it workable.
As I was leaving the store, I went right past a DVD rack and didn't stop to look. "WOW," I said, "Izzy you are getting better." Then I came to another DVD rack and bought Windtalkers. Ah Well!
I can't picture Bagworm as a human. I see a bag of worms, sorta like a pinata, only not in fancy colours. Got a bat?
Love
Izzy
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Dear Izzie-
You are truly adorable, and I just adore you! I get stuck sometimes too, can't ambulate, get up and my cane is not enough to keep me standing- sort of Chaplinesque! It is funny trying to figure a way of getting up and leaving, etc.! And the story about using your charms on the poor cell phone guy, you wicked thing!!! Very funny!
I don't know if there was a divine plan in your unfortunate accident, but I do know that you did all that you could with the situation that you had. What a true winner you are, Izzy.
Love and Prayers for Your Healing in Relationships and Physical Healing a Well,
Changing