Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Ami on November 12, 2007, 11:27:25 AM
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I can't do it anymore. I can't want my M to love me anymore. I can't try to be "good " enough anymore.I can't try to think in a screwed up enough manner so she will love me and be a mother.I can't do it.
I have felt that I was wrong to divorce my M b/c maybe God would be "mad" . I know that He doesn't get "mad,but I didn't want to "disappoint"Him.Maybe He wanted to use me to "help" her. However,one wise man used to say be careful when you offer s/one a life preserver that you don't go down ,too. Don't offer it if you will be pulled in to the water and drown.
I just can't do it anymore.
I can't sacrifice myself for her ,anymore. I have good qualities that I have to "mine". I have perceptions that I have to trust.I have a 'core" that I have to reclaim from the wasteland that she pushed it in.
Having an N mother is like having a disability.I knew a guy who was a "thalidomide" baby. He was a very good organist.. He had a disability.
I was handed a "disability". I have to grow new tissue over the scar .I have to start "growing",not keep picking at the scar. Ami
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I completely understand what you are saying and want to share what I sometimes think - who says god especially wants us to help the willful and instransigent who refuse to learn their own lessons? Sure god allows us to help them - and maybe that is our lesson to learn.
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Ami,
Have you ever wondered that God might be 'madder' if you went through your whole life, with your NMum beating you down, and wasted it? You are capable of such a lot, and she's been dragging you down, so that she looks better than you. I wonder how God would view that?
Janet
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You are right--once again--my friend.I was hanging on to "stupid ideas" and thinking that it was God. People(myself very included) use the Bible and stay in things that they should not, like abusive relationships.
Our Father (God) loves us and wants us to be whole and sound in mind and body.I just figured this out---but at least better late than never-right? Thanks for your support and love ,Janet Ami
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Ami,
You're right - God would want both you AND YOUR MOTHER to be whole...but that doesn't mean that it's your job to make that happen (for your mother, that is). She might tell you that it's your job (if she gets one more chance, which, hopefully, she won't, now that you've started NC). But you have the responsibility for you, and she has the responsibility for her. That's the difference, I think.
Janet
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Having an N mother is like having a disability.
This is a good analogy.
I feel as though I am disabled from loving completely, as though my heart was broken, doused with gasoline and set on fire the scar will always be there and the healing is slow and journey back to health can have pitfalls - yes, that is a bit dramatic.
You recall that guy John Gray who wrote Men are from Mars etc... a book that reads almost like a parody? Well he also wrote a book called Mar's and Venus breaking up. Which he wrote that a broken heart is like a broken bone; if the bone heals properly, taking the time to reset it, it will actually grow back stronger. Which seems true, I broke my left arm at the wrist when I was in 6th grade. My left wrist is now stronger than my right one and I am right handed.
John G. said that the same is true of our hearts. If we take the time to properly reset our hearts, feeling the anger at what happened, the sorrow at what we did not want to happen and the sadness and fear of what may happen:
He claims four healing emotions:
Anger
Sorrow
Sadness
Fear
That might be the wrong order and I can't recall all that he said. But the main thing is to not get stuck in any one emotion - we have to work through all to heal a broken heart so that we are not disabled in our capacity to love but instead are more capable in our capacity to love, our hearts will grow back stronger...
I think that people that have had N parents have had a piece of their heart broken every day. In order to live they have had to heal over and over again..that is why they are so capable of being loving and strong.
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Wow gabbenangel, your post is wonderful.
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Dear Lise,
HOW did you figure out to keep going within and facing and facing your pain? I can see how there are gifts AFTER you heal. The big "trick" though is to actually heal and not just put perfume over the swamp---as so many people do. Ami
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Is Today your birthday---Leah? Happy ,Happy Birthday. Ami
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Dear Lise,
HOW did you figure out to keep going within and facing and facing your pain? I can see how there are gifts AFTER you heal. The big "trick" though is to actually heal and not just put perfume over the swamp---as so many people do. Ami
Hi Ami,
This is interesting...we will be healing for the rest of our lives but sometimes I wish we could be healed and live in fullness NOW too. True fullness will come in heaven.
Our painful story is always trying to find a way to act itself out and tell the world our secret pain, when I stop acting out, or manipulating life, I have to feel, I have to surrender and sometimes the surrender takes me deep into my grief and loneliness.
I stay south of my head...anywhere below my neck, my old therapist used to say "stay with those feelings"
I think about Christ on the cross, suffering, hands nailed, unable to reach and grasp for anything...no ciggs, or starbucks or high carb food, no glass of wine or medication....he had to suffer alone but he was not going no where he was on his way to a life beyond anything that we can imagine.
Are we not supposed to live life like Christ did on the cross? The only comfort Christ had was the blessed mother Mary...and that is true for us..we can pray to her and ask her to be our mom..she is supposed to be the perfect mom, without sin.
The problem is that "mud always sticks to a clean spot", right? And how easy it is to project my cold-hearted mom onto the perfect mom and her perfect love...I'll never give up trying though.
Love,
Lise
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What the heck kind of a font is that?? oops... I am new to this board and these little font tricks and stuff throw me for a loop sometimes. Here is the same post again without the super blinding red font.
HOW did you figure out to keep going within and facing and facing your pain? I can see how there are gifts AFTER you heal. The big "trick" though is to actually heal and not just put perfume over the swamp---as so many people do. Ami
Hi Ami,
This is interesting...we will be healing for the rest of our lives but sometimes I wish we could be healed and live in fullness NOW too. True fullness will come in heaven.
Our painful story is always trying to find a way to act itself out and tell the world our secret pain, when I stop acting out, or manipulating life, I have to feel, I have to surrender and sometimes the surrender takes me deep into my grief and loneliness.
I stay south of my head...anywhere below my neck, my old therapist used to say "stay with those feelings"
I think about Christ on the cross, suffering, hands nailed, unable to reach and grasp for anything...no ciggs, or starbucks or high carb food, no glass of wine or medication....he had to suffer alone but he was not going no where he was on his way to a life beyond anything that we can imagine.
Are we not supposed to live life like Christ did on the cross? The only comfort Christ had was the blessed mother Mary...and that is true for us..we can pray to her and ask her to be our mom..she is supposed to be the perfect mom, without sin.
The problem is that "mud always sticks to a clean spot", right? And how easy it is to project my cold-hearted mom onto the perfect mom and her perfect love...I'll never give up trying though.
Love,
Lise
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Having an N mother is like having a disability.I knew a guy who was a "thalidomide" baby. (irrelevant)He was a very good organist.. He had a disability.
I was handed a "disability". I have to grow new tissue over the scar .(Have you ever grown more skin after the skin has healed to a scar?) I have to start "growing",not keep picking at the scar. Ami
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Posted by: gabbenangel
Having an N mother is like having a disability.
This is a good analogy. (Think woman, think!)
Hey girls
Please don't say this again"Having an N mother is like having a disability"
That is an over simplification.
You can go NC with an N mother,and the problem is over. She has a mental disability. I have a physical disability and I cannot turn my back on it, so it will go away.
An N mother, I expect, has the ability to cause her children to have their own mental disabilties, but did she give you CP, MS, quadra-tetra-paraplegia, spina bifida, were you a thalidomide baby? Where are the scars on most of these and many other disabilities. I have a scar on my back from my shoulders blades down approx 18" with rods nuts and bolts and clamps that held me together.
Can you qualify for Disability Pension because of your N mother? When you are approved for that, I will take back this post!!
What an N mother gives to her children is wrong ways of thinking, Heinz 57 varities of abuse. I'm sure you have experienced crazymaking? She screwed with your MINDS, and gave you a mental disability to overcome You can do it! Just dump mother!
Many physical disabilities are permanent and cannot be overcome. My mother had spent 39 years in the wheelchair when she died. That did not allow me to 'dump my chair'.
Izzy
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Dear Izzy,
No disrespect was meant to anyone. A physical disability is very different.
I brought up the organist b/c he played with his feet. Ami
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(((( Izzy's mother, Izzy, Izzy's daughter )))
((( Izzy )))
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An N mother, I expect, has the ability to cause her children to have their own mental disabilities, but did she give you CP, MS, quadra-tetra-paraplegia, spina bifida, were you a thalidomide baby? Where are the scars on most of these and many other disabilities. I have a scar on my back from my shoulders blades down approx 18" with rods nuts and bolts and clamps that held me together.
Well that is certainly a different perspective. Yes, you lost a part of yourself that you will never get back.
I can only speak for us, N mothered disabled people, that we lost our soul and ourselves and our genuine childhood, yes we can reclaim our selves and our souls and then we can help others and love more deeply.
Throughout my healing journey I have often felt dissabled, depressed, unable to get our of bed, socially disabled, unable to connect with others, and emotionally disabled. Yes, we who have been wounded are dissabled in a different way. I do not think that to say "having an N mother is an over simplification." I wanted to jump off a bridge once...feeling disabled because of our lack of love as children is not an over simplification.
Izzy - I DO see your perspective and I value it!!!!
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thank you catspaw for the hugs
ami and gabben
I know that no disrespect was meant. I thought I would mention mental and physical disabilities, while that word hit the board regarding Narcissism.
If you re-read your post you will see that everything you mentioned came from your thinking, your mind, the mental part, not the physical part.
"depressed, unable to get our of bed, socially disabled, unable to connect with others, and emotionally disabled"
"I wanted to jump off a bridge once"
There are some mental disabilities that allow a disability payment, monthly, but Narcisissm is not one and all Ns, I expect, can work, unless they are badly physically disabled too.
Regards
Izzy
EDIT] Having an N mother is like having a mental disability Just ONE word to make it more exact!
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EDIT] Having an N mother is like having a mental disability Just ONE word to make it more exact!
Exactly!!!
Love and hugs,
Lise
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Ami-
You are required to do your duty in taking care of your mother (seeing that she has food, etc) You are not to worship her, or do wrong at her bidding (including injuring yourself) The family of Jezebel suffered greatly in the Bible due to her malefic influence, and the wrath of God destroyed them.
You know what is right and what is wrong- now you can put this knowledge into action.
Love,
Changing
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Thanks Changing. You said it all-- very simply. Love to You Ami
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WOW Amber.
WE "honor" them by "becoming whole" . Bet our Mom's would not agree with that---LOL.
S/thing just hit me ,Amber. Your M was jealous that you were "smart" and savvy. That was it. THAT is WHY she kept you down. Your star was too bright.WOW--- I see it. Ami
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You are right , Amber. The "problem" now is the Role----exactly right. Ami
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Hi Amber,
If you happen to have any way of sharing an image of your art, I'd be honored and very interested to see it.
love,
Hops
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Amber,
Your art is beautiful! Thanks for letting us see it. You are really good at perspective and detail. I love the farm one. It's got a lot of 'presence' already.
Janet
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Amber, thank you.
I am humbled and lifted.
Thank you so much.
The farm is sorrowfully beautiful, so gentle...
The shed is chilling. Perfect. Bars. Pick. Hard light.
Thank you for sharing these.
love to you,
Hops
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Dear Amber,
I love your art work. You must lose yourself in it.It has deep expression of feeling. I really, really love it. What an inspiration to see it. Love Ami
((((((((((((((((Amber)))))))))))
PS--- Did you go to art school , take classes , or work on your own?