Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: less on May 30, 2004, 07:46:17 PM
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About 2 years ago I lost my voice. I would gag when I spoke and had difficulty swallowing. I had surgery to remove a small thyroid nodule but I still have on going problems. Since then I have been told I have muscle tension dysphonia of the throat (very tight muscles) and that I probably should never have had surgery but counselling would be a really good idea!
A psychologist suggested that I look on-line for information/support re: children of N mothers. How surprised I was to find this site, "Voicelessness"...
I am only beginning to understand the emotional and physical aspects of it all. As a child I spoke very little and my role in life was and has been to be an adoring audience to my mother. My mother was an only child of incredibly doting parents who entered her in a baby contest. She won and a great fuss was made about how she was 100%- perfect, not 99% no, 100% A family story we are all quite sick of but headline news in 1915/16! Whether this was the triggering event that made her who she is I don't know. At 91 she is still perfect. She needs constant attention and affection and crosses all boundaries to get it and always has. I struggle with many of the issues I've seen posted and have learned a lot from the kind and wise replies.
In some ways I think I was set up. I was told that I was the "loving, warm one" the one she loved, my brother and sister were distant and cold and her husband a drunk who wanted me aborted and so forth. I struggled with the way she touched me when I was young and I still struggle. Now I feel I need to tell her not to touch me there or like that but I think, how absurd, she's an old lady, my mother - which she will be sure to point out. I can hear it, " You are so sensitive, don't be such a moron, I'm your mother for g-sake." Sometimes I think maybe it's too late to say anything now but I don't think that's right either. I guess I don't want to trigger her sulking pouting hostile ways that can go on and on. I should have said something years ago instead of just freezing. She used to go after boyfriends when my sister and I were younger and has been out of bounds with my husband too. But her main target was and is me -"I've imprinted on you, nothing matters but you," she will say. I know I matter but not because she has ever been interested in me. At times she has behaved like a jilted lover and so jealous of any affection I might show others. When I was in my 20's (30 years ago)I tried to get to know my father and asked him out for a drink after work. My mother would not talk to me for weeks. When my sister got breast cancer my mother behaved in a very competitive way. My sister has taken a big step back. Well there is a lifetime of living to sort out here and I have gone on too long.'
I am gearing up to defend myself I guess - physically and in every other way. It's taken a long time to even come to this point. It seems cruel to be rejecting of an old( but very healthy) woman but I need to define some boundaries in a clear and non-hurtful way if possible. Need to find the words and the courage to deal fairly and honestly with this woman.
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less,
Welcome! :)
Your mom has been very intrusive. Unfortunately, she won't change at age 91, so you may want to think of some practical strategies. Here are my quick ideas:
1) Decide on boundaries. Don't say anything negative to yourself about them. Be honest with yourself about what you want the boundaries to be.
2) Have some phrases ready to counter *her* phrases. When she says, "I'm your mother for god's sake," You can counter with, "Yes, I know that. And I'd still appreciate your not touching me right now. Thanks."
bunny
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Thanks Bunny - for the helpful ideas - I'm going to think about exactly what boundaries I need to shore up and develop some specific things to say so I'm not left...well, speechless by her behaviour. (I hope I've written this in the right place.)
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Hi Less,
Well at least you haven't lost your sense of humor (LOL on the 1915/1916 headline news reference).
I think you'll find a voice here though!
I read a book entitled "Children of the Self-Absorbed that gave some good, practical tips on how to prepare and steel yourself when interacting with NMoms and NDads. This book has many typos, but the content is fairly decent.
Good luck.
MM
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thanks MM - I've been looking over the books listed on Amazon and wondering what ones to get. "Steel yourself" -yes, that's what it feels like...maybe gird my loins too, whatever that means - I wonder if Brad Pitt girded his loins. Now I'm getting silly. Guess I'm feeling more relaxed out here in cyberpace. First time is a leap. I also got mixed up. I registered as Les but when I went to submit it said the user name was taken (what?.. that's me! my life appropriated again, how ironic)) so I switched to Less which was accepted but has a poor me ring to it. Mighty Mouse is great. Good reinforcement of strength. Ah me! thanks again!
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Dear Les(s),
I just thought you were referencing voiceLESS. It sounded appropriate to me!
The mighty mouse moniker actually is one I got because I used to work with a theatre and moved some heavy props (but I'm a little thing and a female). So I guess the people that gave me the moniker thought I had super strength or something. What they didn't know was that I was carriying alot of anger and it was literally moving mountains. Now that I don't have all the anger, I don't move heavy objects anymore. Kind of a physical manifestation like you losing your voice.
Oh the irony. This boardis so interesting.
MM
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Somehow I imagined a little powerhouse of a woman. Yes, I thought Less seemed to work in a number of ways. Oh the irony- not only was 'Les' taken, but it was actually taken by...me - I sabatoged myself somehow! There must be great meaning in it all! As they say...Less is More. Maybe it's not too late to hyphenate it. My real name is Lesley. ( not too much to reveal out here?)
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Dear MM -forgot to mention (so momentarily self-absorbed I guess!) my LoL moment reading about you moving mountains with all that anger but now you don't anymore! That must be some anger you had. So now you are more or less at peace?
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Oh Les(s),
I had extreme anger. And I wasn't allowed to express it, so moving large furniture helped as it happens.
But usually the anger catches up with you and in my case I did some self destructive stuff until I figured it all out. I'm sure that's pretty typical.
In fact I knew something was wrong with me and created a big problem for myself that required me to really look inside of all that anger. I did this on an unconscious level but it helped turn my life around. I've heard the expression that sometimes you create a problem to solve a problem. That's what I did. And it's been a learning process ever since.
So that's how I got out of the anger. That may not sound very concrete, and I apologize if it sounds fuzzy (I am an abstract thinker). Of coure I am not devoid of anger or I would hardly be human. But I have a great husband who refuses to fight with me so I've become pretty darn mellow these days, and at peace for the most part now that NMom has been psychologically kicked to the curb. LOL
And in your case, Les(s) is definately more. LOL
MM
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Les(s),
I wanted to comment about one more thing. Silliness is GOOD.
After feeling emotionLESS for so many years (NMoms don't like it when you have emotional needs - not convenient for them), I am being silly, joyous and downright giddy at times.
So go on with your silly self. And LESS works in alot of ways.
I bet you and the other creative people on this board could come up with a few more LESSisms. It would be good silly fun.
MM
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Aha! Just connected some dots thanks to you! My throat closing down -literally not being able to speak - really started me on this journey. People comment that it was my body manifesting my emotional imprisonment and I think that is true..but maybe as well it was a silent cry for help. My goodness we are mysterious creatures. Reading between the lines I can hear the immense pain you had.
How true, how true- N parents can't begin to meet emotional needs. Not even honk'n big ones like breast cancer (my poor sister), birth of grandchildren (now There is something to be angry about!) broken arms-agh just deleted a bunch of stuff. It's too gross to write just yet I'll- save it for the therapy couch!
Hooray for being silly and goofy! Am I the same tentative person who checked every comma last night!
thanks again x-furniture mover. Where you are sounds a lot better. And moving furniture sounds better than inward turning anger. Onwards and outwards from hereMM
Maybe we should all rearrange the living room once a month... just being silly. Les(S)
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Hey there Less.
The mayor of our little town had the same problem with her voice as you describe. She didn't have surgery but was told to rest her voice.
Is your condition getting any better? Are you finding your voice in this forum? I hope things get better for you. Read all you can about Ns. It's fascinating and instructive (at least I've found it so).
Sonia
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Hi Les(s):
How true, how true- N parents can't begin to meet emotional needs. Not even honk'n big ones like breast cancer (my poor sister), birth of grandchildren (now There is something to be angry about!) broken arms-agh just deleted a bunch of stuff. It's too gross to write just yet I'll- save it for the therapy couch!
My Mom slapped me at my Dad's funeral (while I was standing at his coffin saying goodbye), because " wasn't paying enough attention to HER."
Ah, the classics!
Regards, Peanut
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Hi Sonia
Thanks for your interest - I think that alone makes this board a healing place - someone I don't know wonders how my voice is... the wonder of it all, and of course my mother - enough said. I can see a direct link between the tension I feel and the hard constricted feeling in my throat. This act of writing out and releasing some of the tightness- emotionally, physically seems already to be making a difference. And bonus! People write back with thoughtful things to say! Does the mayor know what is causing the problem? Sometimes it is an overuse of the vocal cords and as you say they do need a rest. Some people need to learn how to USE their vocal cords and not the muscles in their neck to vocalize. I was shown via scoping my throat how I overuse these overdeveloped muscles to talk. And how are you?
Peanut 81 - my god -What happened to you just chills me. And have you somehow managed to carry on with this classic mother? I might as well put it out that at 8 I came home with a badly broken arm (smashed into the school on my red flying saucer sliding down an icy hill) which caused my mother to slap me hard enough to send me across the kitchen floor. It's only now, many years later, that I think hey that can't be right! Good grief. thanks peanut - reallyhope you've got that mother under control
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Hi Les(s),
I've been thinking about your name "less".
And if you get out from under all the N garbage with your 100% perfect NMom, you will have "less" angst, "less" anger, "less" lies, "less" grief....yada, yada, yada. I think you get the drift.
I see you are posting freely now. Go forward and take heart!!! And get your voice back. Can you laugh out loud?
I still can't sleep good at night even though I've been away from family of origin for 28 years. It was impossible to relax and I still can't relax even after all these years. But I hope you can relax...or chillax as Bernie Mac says and maybe you will get your voice back.
MM
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so the 2:07 am post time is actually 2:07 your time? It looks like people from many countries use the board (I'm in Canada) so I'm never sure about the time. Mighty Mouse, you loosened me up and now I'm in the addictive phase of using the board. How is everyone doing?... hmmm better check!
The similarities are always striking. As you mentioned you aren't much of a sleeper 28 years later and can't relax. Having 8 siblings alone must have been tough and I imagine that's only the beginning. So there is still room for progress. What are you doing for it? ( if you don't mind getting concrete here, no problem if it's best not too) For me I've tried herbal sleep aids, tapes, listening to business reports (they seem to work a bit!) and finally just take a sleeping pill every night. I also sleep in the "safest" feeling place in the house. It's a little odd that but fortunately my husband understands and I actually do relax a bit. (you know the one about the duck, calm on the surface, paddling like hell underneath...)
Alright, MM! is the creative person with the 'less' ideas. The beginnings of a chant or rant here. Less lies, more truth; less agnst, more clarity, less mute, more vocal....yup there is something here to shout in the shower.
Yes I can laugh out loud and do more so in the last couple of years. Have had some Lol moments on the board. (and lots of gasp and oh my god moments too)
Less
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Les(s),
Actually I'm in the U.S. but have a weirdo schedule because my husband works in TV and his schedule is all over the place. But we try to keep sleep schedules more or less the same if possible even though he sometimes requires naps. As for me, my wonderful H gives me a full body massage every night and I take a pill every night as well. It helps.
And yes...I'm still making progress. It takes time.
I'm I discerning that your Mom abused you in a sexual manner? If that's too personal you can just blow off that question or perhaps my discerning is not very discerning? I asked because my friend in California always needs a safe place to sleep since she had that kind of abuse.
BTW I love Canada!!I live in Texas and it's too hot here. Almost every year my H and I go to BC. I love it there. We also like the San Juan Islands. Disclaimer...I didn't grow up in Texas..like just about everyone here, I am a transplant. But I digress.
I'm glad you are laughing. It's good medicine.
MM
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A full massage. I'm impressed! Other sleep tricks - a hot water bottle but well, that might be too hot for Y'all down there in Texas. I make a nest of pillows too (is anybody going to talk to me after these revelations!)
Yes to your question. But I have not defined it that way until recently. I have posted a question about the "partnered child" -something a psychologist I have begun to see mentioned to me. She suggested I find a book or articles under this name but she didn't beat around the bush either- she called it sexual abuse. I'm sorting out insurance so I'm not going back immediately.
It's about 12 degrees out but I don't want to turn the furnace on in June - that would be admitting to myself that I live in a ridiculously cold country. Send up some of that warm air would you? Thanks MM
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Less,
Sorry to take so long to answer. Heck, the mayor is a blabbermouth. So she probably just needs to shut up (unlike you who needs to talk).
Sonia