Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: reallyME on November 15, 2007, 02:01:27 PM
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my N daughter told me that her boyfriend (baby's father) was going to see her sonogram that determined the sex of the baby...she did NOT tell me that HIS FRIGGEN MOTHER WAS GOING! She of course did not want ME there, since I was such an awful mother to her.
IT IS NOT FAIR! Anna was MY daughter, not her boyfriend's mother's daughter. I was the one who cleaned up her vomit, took her to the doctor the other day and kept her company, went to her school viola recitals (which she claims I never did), was there for her when the boy she had a crush on went to Iraq...and yet I am not allowed in for her sonogram and not going to be allowed at the birth either.
Sorry, just had to vent or something. This is just really WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!
~Laura
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That hurts to read, RM.
I am so sorry.
It's not about right or wrong, she is free to do what she wants...
it's that it hurts so much.
I understand and I am so sorry.
I hope you can have a good cry and know that there are mothers
everywhere who understand how much this kind of gesture hurts.
Your daughter really is cruel to you, and you don't deserve it.
with love and comfort,
Hops
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I don't know what to tell you but.....
she has some stuff going on with you and she doesn't want to hear you tell her what to do or what will happen, that's clear.
Maybe if you start presenting her choices,
GOOD
OK
Iccy
Perfect
Doesn't suck as bad as Icky
and sort'a guide her to any one above ICKY?
She's an adult now, really.... and she wants to be treated that way.
You can't control or change her..... start teaching her to make better decisions....
she's certainly going to have to live with the consequences.
You might as well get along with her as best you can.
It's not about your wiping up vomit.
It's about your making her feel a certain way right now.... and she's angry at you, let's face it.
Withdraw with love, she'll make her decisions no matter what you do so might as well try to have some peace and get to attend the sonogram sessions?
Sorry ReallyME. It's difficult no matter.
I excluded my sister and my mother from the births of both my children..... it did hurt them but having them there would have robbed me of my joy.
No matter how much puke mom picked up.....
How can you help your dd feel joy when you're around?
Calm quiet not questiong my decisions or being loud and insisting on things would have made me feel better about having my mother there.
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Here is how it all went:
me: "you told me that the baby's father was going to be the first one to see the sonogram."
nD: "SO?"
me: "now I find out _________(baby's fathers' mother) was there too?"
nD: "SO? big deal"
me: "I'm your da** mother for God's sake!"
nD: "Just cause I don't like you and don't want you there......."
me: "you told me the baby's father was the only one you were having there!"
nD: "Why would I WANT someone like THAT there (meaning ME cause by now I was obviously UPSET)
me: "Because I AM YOUR MOTHER!"
nD: "Go cry about it in the other room..."
me: "Who took you to the doctor the other day (yesterday), the hospital, and stayed with you when you were hurting.
me: "So? you didn't HAVE TO." ______________ didn't (baby's father's mother)
nD: "She WOULD have."
me: "You can NOT just use me when it's convenient and then treat me like CRAP whenever you want."
nD: "whatever."
At this point, i'm being honest...I wanted to physically HURT HER...I mean I wanted to throw something at her head and hurt her BADLY! Then, I almost called my husband and told him I was going to leave RIGHT NOW if he didn't get his butt back here and MAKE HER RESPECT me!
Instead, I journalled my feelings, checked the daily chart I keep on nD's moods, and now am typing to you.
The 14th of every month, she turns into a vicious punishing monster!
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Dear Laura,
I have no words of wisdom other than to say that I am so sorry that you are hurting--so,very sorry.
Love Ami
(((((((((((((((((Laura)))))))))))))))))))))))
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Dear ((((Really Me))))-
The whole situation seems so painful and this conduct on the part of your daughter just makes it worse. It is very sad but true, that your daughter, who you love so much and ant the best for, is about to come up against a brick wall of reality soon. We can just pray that she grows up quickly for the sake of the new baby, as her actions now are less than mature and reasonable to date.
You are trying so hard to be a support and involved with the new baby. I know it pains and worries you that your daughter doesn't recognize just how important you are in this scenario, and how crucial it is for you all to work together in order to make a less than perfect situation work out well for the most important person of all, the precious little baby. Your daughter may be embarrassed a bit, and unable to face the truth at this point, and as her mother you represent the truth and the consequences. We must pray for her and for you, and do the best possible to get things right before the baby comes.
Love and Peace to You (((((RM))))),
Changing
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Hi RM,
Can you go quiet for a while? With your D?
No drama, no accusations, and especially no advice giving?
Can you go quiet and just tend gently to the hurt within you?
love
Hops
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My Dear RM-
Our Wise Woman Hoppy is so right (as always). Take care of YOU for a change. ((((RM))))
Love,
Changing
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Laura I am sorry to say that if my mom talked to me the way you did I would react negatively too. However I do feel for you and wish she was more sensitive to you. She is quite young is she not? chalk her behavior up to young with pregnant hormones flying, say a prayer for her AND yourself and let that peace that transcends all understanding guide your heart and mind in Christ Jesus!
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well, this morning my husband and I were having a discussion and Ndaughter butted in and said I was a worry wart. I was trying to ask my husband about what we were going to do regarding a bill payment.
I tried to pack Nd's bags this morning, but husband stopped me. I tried to get her out of my living room and down to her bedroom and he stopped me.
I called my elder daughter and she advised me to use the very thing that N's use on us...the silent treatment. She told me "Mom, for 2 weeks, ANNA DOES NOT EXIST! YOU DO NOT TALK TO HER, DO ANYTHING FOR HER, ACKNOWLEDGE HER! She will get pissed off and maybe get in your face demanding to be spoken to, but you DO NOT BUDGE! If she lays a hand on you, call me and I will deal with her!"
I have tried everything else. I am going to resort to the one thing I hate having N's use on me! I hated when Jodi did it to me, undeservedly, but now I'm fighting fire with fire, because personally, I want this person OUT OF MY HOUSE and nobody will let me get her out. My husband told me"Dear, just think about WHO this is affecting...the baby she is carrying will be all messed up if we upset Anna, so just calm down."
Selfish as this sounds, Anna has already informed me that her child is not going to be allowed to be a baby. She will raise it to be an adult. So why the he** would I CARE about the so called damage I'm doing by setting boundaries with Anna that will upset her? She's already planning to ruin this child and pit it against me. Why SHOULD I care?
~L
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OH and yikes, ReallyME:
Have a good vent then remember........
calm, cool, stable mom does it.
Just bc your child is out of control, emotionally manipulative and rude..... doesn't mean you have to be too.
You're still modeling behavior for your youngest daughter.
Withdrawing with love means you stop doing and offering and being available for the pregnant daughter, you can do that without it coming accross as punitive? Or not.... hope you feel better, in any case.
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lighter,
Let's just say I'm going no-contact with narcissistic daughter at this point, even while she lives on my living room couch, watching my tv and talking to my husband as though SHE is his mate.
This is nothing more than a repeat of what he watched his own father do...exchanging sexual favors with his teen daughter for her to have a new car, money, etc. This is equal to an emotional form of adultery in my book, and as much as I can and am working to improve my marriage, there is very little I can do for the N child.
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I don't think you should be comfortable with your d and h having any kind of affair, emotional or otherwise, under your nose, in your house.... on a train or in the rain....
I don't think you have to put up with that kind of treatment.
You're trying to work on your marriage.... and your h and daughter behave as though they're mates.....?
What're you, in this equation?
What your h saw his father do doesn't make it acceptable.
It doesn't mean you have to put up with it.
What happens if you put your foot down?
H keeps talking you into closing your yap and putting up with status quo?
I don't call that working on a marriage, ReallyME.
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Wait a second, wait a second......are you saying that you see your H watching TV with your D as the equivalent of incest? I'm lost.
Are you saying that you want her out of the house because she didnt invite you to the sonogram?
Can you get together with your mentor and run all this past her? Or your therapist? This is really hard stuff and you all are going through a lot right now. I hope you can get some 3D support. It's too hard to do by yourself.
Love
CB
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"This is equal to an emotional form of adultery in my book, and as much as I can and am working to improve my marriage, there is very little I can do for the N child."
IF this is what's going on, (h repeating what his father did in his FOO, on any level) emotional or otherwise...... then you don't have much of a marriage to work on, IMO.
Your child isn't the problem..... she's a symptom. She's not the one who needs to go, in other words.
I'm not saying he's having sex with his children but..... your husband shouldn't have a relationship with your daughter where you're competing for status/his favor/cooperation/attention with secondary mate status within the household.
I'd be very upset if I was you too..... but I'd have to take a big step back and look at what everyone's doing.... including myself.... decide what's real and what's not.
It sounds like your daughter is being blamed for your H's dysfunctional relationship with her..... it sounds like she's being blamed for something that never should have taken place to begin with.
I'm confused by your above quote, in particular.
Have you established that your marriage has any solid foundation to build on?
Not sure, but..... from way back here..... that's my two cents: /
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Oh goodness, CB...your post made me laugh since I'm having a GOOD day with family for a change (well, other than NDaughter at times)
CBWait a second, wait a second......are you saying that you see your H watching TV with your D as the equivalent of incest? I'm lost.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. It's not just watching tv. She spends hours on end talking to and listening to him in the living room, and if I try to sit down and talk to my husband, she either butts in or tells me to be quiet that he and she were talking.
CB
Are you saying that you want her out of the house because she didnt invite you to the sonogram?
Nope. I'm saying I wanted to beat her up for rubbing my nose in the fact that she lied to me about who was going to be there and then, when I got upset about it, she told me I was just jealous and that she didn't like me and doesn't want me there anyway.
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Here is how it all went:
me: "you told me that the baby's father was going to be the first one to see the sonogram."
nD: "SO?"
me: "now I find out _________(baby's fathers' mother) was there too?"
nD: "SO? big deal"
me: "I'm your da** mother for God's sake!"
nD: "Just cause I don't like you and don't want you there......."
me: "you told me the baby's father was the only one you were having there!"
nD: "Why would I WANT someone like THAT there (meaning ME cause by now I was obviously UPSET)
me: "Because I AM YOUR MOTHER!"
nD: "Go cry about it in the other room..."
me: "Who took you to the doctor the other day (yesterday), the hospital, and stayed with you when you were hurting.
me: "So? you didn't HAVE TO." ______________ didn't (baby's father's mother)
nD: "She WOULD have."
me: "You can NOT just use me when it's convenient and then treat me like CRAP whenever you want."
nD: "whatever."
At this point, i'm being honest...I wanted to physically HURT HER...I mean I wanted to throw something at her head and hurt her BADLY! Then, I almost called my husband and told him I was going to leave RIGHT NOW if he didn't get his butt back here and MAKE HER RESPECT me!
Instead, I journalled my feelings, checked the daily chart I keep on nD's moods, and now am typing to you.
The 14th of every month, she turns into a vicious punishing monster!
I'm sorry, but when i read this, i immediately thought you sounded EXACTLY like my own N-mother. You made your daughters sonograms all about YOU YOU YOU! YOU wanted to be there FIRST - who cares who was there first? THIS IS ABOUT A PRECIOUS BABY.....your grandchild. It doesn't matter if you were there first, second, or 100th. Nothing can change the fact that you are this baby's grandma. Nothing. Stop whining and having a temper tantrum. Maybe your daughter didn't want you there b/c everything is about YOU???!!!
Here's how the conversation SHOULD have gone....maybe you should memorize it and see if you get different results?
me: "How did your sonogram go today?"
nD: "Fine."
me: "I heard that your BF mother was there also. That must have been exciting."
nD: "Yes, she decided to pop by at the last minute."
me: "I'm sorry i missed it - i would have loved to be there too sweetie!"
nD: "I don't like you and don't want you there......."
me: "Well that really hurts my feelings. I can understand we've had our differences in the past, but i would really like you to know that I LOVE you and I am SO EXCITED that this baby is coming. I am not trying to intrude or invade your privacy. I just want to be the best grandmother i can be - and part of that was being there with you at the sonogram!"
nD: "Oh, i didn't know you felt so strongly about it."
me: "Well, I do, because I AM YOUR MOTHER and nothing will ever change how much i care about you!"
nD: "Well, they did give me a copy on DVD...Would you like to watch it with me in the livingroom?"
me: "I'd love to. Thank you"
(watching the video).....
me: "Oh, just look at that sweet face....you are going to make a wonderful mother"
nD: "Thanks mom....i'm sorry you missed the u/s today...maybe you can come with me next time?"
me: "I'd love to."
nD: "ok, i'll let you know."
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Hi Really Me-
I know that you are having a tough time and just want to send my love and support. You are strong intelligent and capable , and I know that things will come out right. (((((Really Me)))))
Love and Happy Thanksgiving,
Changing
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I'm sorry, but when i read this, i immediately thought you sounded EXACTLY like my own N-mother.
<<<HOW CRUEL!
You made your daughters sonograms all about YOU YOU YOU! YOU wanted to be there FIRST - who cares who was there first?
>>>>oh no I did not. SHE had told me "oh don't feel bad mom, nobody will be there except the baby's father." She KNEW I was upset about not being there with her to begin with. Then she tells me how his mother was there, after the fact of trying to comfort me that i wasn't going to be the only one NOT THERE."
. Stop whining and having a temper tantrum. Maybe your daughter didn't want you there b/c everything is about YOU???!!!
>>>>>>>>>What RIGHT do you have to say this to anyone? WHO ARE YOU ANYWAY? Your name is not familiar with this list of people I've come to know and trust.
Here's how the conversation SHOULD have gone....maybe you should memorize it and see if you get different results?
>>>>>>>>and do not "SHOULD" me!!!!
i do know you, trust you or your "advice" and you will not win any sort of 'ear" with someone you start out by ACCUSING AND CONDEMNING. I don't know your N mother but I sure hope you never did to her what my Ndaughter has been doing to me.
I forgive you but you haven't even quoted anything CLOSE to what my ND would have responded or said to me. You have no clue.
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i do know you, trust you or your "advice" and you will not win any sort of 'ear" with someone you start out by ACCUSING AND CONDEMNING. I don't know your N mother but I sure hope you never did to her what my Ndaughter has been doing to me.
I forgive you but you haven't even quoted anything CLOSE to what my ND would have responded or said to me. You have no clue.
I do not know you or your daughter. All I have to go by is HOW YOU PRESENT YOURSELF in your post, and when i read through all of your posts, you came across sounding just like a N-mother:
She did NOT tell me that HIS FRIGGEN MOTHER WAS GOING!
Anna was MY daughter, not her boyfriend's mother's daughter
- CLASSIC N: Thinking they are superior to other people and deserve special treatment.
Again, WHO CARES? Just because you are your daughters mother does not mean you are MORE SPECIAL or deserve special treatment!!!
Why would you speak this way about your daughters future MIL? This woman is the baby's grandmother too! What right do you have to cuss and swear about her? Are you jealous that she was there and you were not?
Why would your daughter want her MIL and not you there? Maybe because she knows how antagonistic you are towards her boyfriends mother?
i'm being honest...I wanted to physically HURT HER...I mean I wanted to throw something at her head and hurt her BADLY!
You say you are not a Narcissistic mother, and yet you want to PHYSICALLY HURT YOUR PREGNANT DAUGHTER??!! That is sick. Even if you would not do it, just the THOUGHT is sick and disgusting. You should be ashamed of wanting to harm that poor baby in any way. Do you not see something terriblly wrong with your reaction to a simple sonogram? To want to hit a pregnant woman??? Abusers do this all of the time.
I was going to leave RIGHT NOW if he didn't get his butt back here and MAKE HER RESPECT me!
So, you did not get your way and now you were going to show everybody by stomping your feet and leaving? A classic N hystrionic temper tantrum.
MAKE her respect you??? Excuse me but respect is EARNED. You do not automatically get it just because you have the title of mother.
I was the one who cleaned up her vomit, took her to the doctor the other day and kept her company, went to her school viola recitals (which she claims I never did), was there for her when the boy she had a crush on went to Iraq [/color]
Another classic N trait - Keeping a mental rolladex of every little thing you did for her, but that she did not do for you. What? Does she OWE you something (like a bill?) You fed your daughter, clothed her, went to her recitals, cleaned up her vomit. THAT WAS YOUR JOB. You are like a waitress who demands a tip for bringing food to the customer. Your daughter didn't ask to be born. Your job was to mother her and you did.....but to now hold it over her head like a martyr....DEMANDING she pay you back...stomping your feet for respect.... sorry. You will not get my sympathy.
for 2 weeks, ANNA DOES NOT EXIST! YOU DO NOT TALK TO HER, DO ANYTHING FOR HER, ACKNOWLEDGE HER!
why the he** would I CARE about the so called damage I'm doing............. She's already planning to ruin this child and pit it against me. Why SHOULD I care?
[/i]
So this JUSTIFIES YOU behaving like a horses a$$ and kicking your pregnant daughter out on the street? This justfies you screaming at her, raising her blood pressure, putting her under enormous stress in her delicate condition? You admit with your own words you don't even CARE about the damage it does to your grandchild. Shame on you!
Again, you sound like a typical N. Where is your compassion? Where is your empathy?? Your daughter is P-R-E-G-N-A-N-T for goodness sake! I have never heard of a normal mother try to punish her pregnant daughter this way. Sick. sick. sick.
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once again, you do not know me, have any rapport with me nor do I trust you...and I trust you even LESS now that you said the 3 words that all of us here are against.......................SHAME ON YOU!
How dare you try to get me to feel SHAME. That is not something I receive at all from anyone.
"Should" ing people and Shaming people is not an appropriate behavior on this list, and I do hope Dr G steps in and addresses your responses to me.
My friends here know my struggles and they know how my daughter treats me. They also know that I rely on this group to express how I feel. This is my SAFE place, so go attack someone outside the bounds of this haven, please.
~RM
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(((((Really Me)))))-
I hope that you are doing well and had a great holiday, and that things are starting to work at home. Please know that you are cared for and very important to many people.
Love,
Changing
Hi Isabella-
I am not a professional in the mental health field, nor am I well versed in the literature- I do have plenty of life experience (too much!) in this matter, however. I hope that you will post about yourself and your experiences as well, as the unburdening can really help to make you feel freer , and in processing the past and present. We endeavor to show love and support and to share our insights and experience- this is a unique resource and I have found it to be of immeasurable help in my journey. We are all imperfect, especially me, and it is extremely easy to find fault with one's self and others, especially with one's thoughts. Everyone has surprising thoughts that may never be acted upon. It is really wonderful to have a place with loving generous wise people to share those things which cannot always be understood by people who have not had the same experiences, without fear of being misunderstood. There are many fine resources and a lot of great information available on this unique process works so well, and how we give each other support. I hope to read your story soon.
Love,
Changing