Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: tayana on November 19, 2007, 12:12:23 PM
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I was going to post this yesterday, but time got away from me. I wanted to post this because I haven't been on the boards quite as much lately, and quite honestly, I just feel darn good. I really can't remember the last time I felt this good, in fact. Here is what I've accomplished/learned in the last week or so.
-- I realized driving into work this morning that for the first time in years, I'm actually looking forward to a holiday. I'm spending Thanksgiving with my brother. I've promised pecan pie and homemade bread. My parents might be there too. But you know what, the anxiety I've felt in regard to seeing or talking them has started to subside. I think I could face them and not be drug down by a verbal assault from my mom. So, if they're there, and my mom makes some snarky comment, I'm just going to say, "You've already made up your mind about what I think and feel, so there's no point in me trying to defend myself. If you want to communicate with me you need to make an effort too. You need to stop looking for boogeymen under every bush and let me live my life. I've been doing pretty well, and I like my new life. If you don't, then maybe you don't need to be a part of it.
-- M and I rearranged his room so that the center of floor is now open, and there's room for him to play. Before, there wasn't really enough room for him to play. We cleaned up his desk and talked about what kinds of things he'd like to put on his walls. He still doesn't have any pictures, because now he can't decide. The room looks nice, and he's making an effort to keep it cleaned up.
-- I made soup for the first time yesterday. It was just a little spicy and filling, although I think I cooked it too long.
-- Against my better judgement, M and I went to movie night at school to see Ratatouille. I really wasn't looking forward to it, because I knew it was going to be a bad movie and an equally bad viewing experience. The movie wasn't bad, the ice cream was good, and the viewing experience just as bad as I'd expected. Where else can you get snacks and a movie for $7 though?
-- I have not felt depressed or anxious for days. I don't know if it's the medicine, or if it's just an improvement on my situation. Or a combination.
-- M and I got through a whole weekend with almost no fighting. Although getting up for school this morning was a challenge.
-- And I got my raise and promotion finally! And all of the back pay is going to be added to my check in a lump sum. An unexpected windfall, right when I needed it most.
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I am so proud of you Tayana. You are pulling yourself out of a deep hole. Bravo to you. You are so different than when we started on the board,together. Did you ever think that you could feel this good? Love Ami
(((((((((((((Tayana)))))))))))))))
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Ami, quite honestly, no, I never thought I could feel this good. I never even though this was possible, honestly.
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Tay.
Wow.
Spectacular.
Do you ever go back and read your early posts?
Want to make that grin on your face even wider?
Only thing I'd suggest is to make your response to any mother-blatts even shorter. La, la, la. She'll spoil each dish if she gets a chance so you might as well practice calmly turning your back, leaving the room, calm intact. I think an even stronger response is NO response. Just removing yourself (move the target).
Good for you for losing the fear, I think the Rx was a very good choice.
hugs
Hops
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Hops, I have occaisionally read my earlier posts. I do read my early posts on my blog. I should do it here too, I suppose.
I don't think they'll be there, and neither does my brother. They might surprise us though.
I think the medicine was definitely a good choice. I feel so, so much better. I can focus on things now. I actually can do work, at work, and get things accomplished, not just escape into the net or work on a story. Although I do need to do some writing.
I realized this morning though that I really had no anxiety about the holiday, other than if my pecan pie is going to turn out, since I've never made it before. :)
I'm even *gasp* looking forward to Christmas . . . just a little bit. I'm going to suggest hosting it at our house.
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Hey!
Tay!
No puttin chocolate in that Pie, ya here, lol?
Make it straightforward and don't overcook the crust!
Ahem...... can you tell I reeeeeaaaaaally like Pecan Pie, lol?
I'm happy to read this post...... a little apprehensive too.
I really don't want you having to spend Thanksgiving listening to your mother's crap or worrying about what she's going to say or do to M.
If she ignored him I'd find it hard not to come accross furniture and snap that look of satisfaction off her face, KWIM?
Hey..... maybe I'm worrying needlessly for ya..... I certainly hope so.
Isn't it just like them, to not have the common courtesy to tell the host of Thanksgiving Dinner whether they'll show or not?
She certainly keeps you guessing.
::stifling urge to sound negative:::
Ahhh what the hell...... how did it come about that throwing NC out the window seemed like it might not be such a bad idea? Not that it will be but..... just wondering.
And..... what drug seems to be working so well for you? I heard good things about one called Focalin... somehting like that.
((Tay)) Glad to hear such a good report. You deserved that raise and promotion.... congrats: )
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Good for you tayana
I am so happy you are feeling better, as in really good.
I agree with Hops about keeping anything you say to N-mother, short and to the point.
Pecan Pie!!! YUMMY!
One Christmas, all the family met at my eldest sister's. I was asked to bring 2 mincemeat pies. Fine! I made them no trouble.................until my N sister remarked that this is one Christmas she wouldn't miss because she wanted to Izzy's pies...........said in such a way as though they would be awful.
You sound so "UP".
LOve
Izzy
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Lighter, hey I have a recipe for chocolate pecan pie, but I'm just making a plain one. I like pecan pie. I'm hoping my boss okay's the couple of vacation hours I want on Wed., so I have time to do bread and pie. I think I need to buy flour and yeast too, better put that on my list. I'm trying to decide if I want to try making the crust, or just use a ready made one . . .
Like I said, I don't know if they're going to be there or not. I don't really want to give up NC, but I do want to spend the holiday with my brother. If it gets too bad, well, I can always gather up the kid and the dog (the dog was invited too) and leave. M is really looking forward to this, so I hope it all goes well.
Zoloft is what is working so well. It does have some side effects that I don't like too well, like it makes me hyper, but it does wonders for getting things done. It's been sort of gradual as far as the feeling good and my tolerance of the drug. This is much better than where I was three weeks ago with it, almost four I guess. The doctor said it'll reach it's peak in six weeks.
Not only do I get a raise, but I get all of the vacation time I've had to use as sick time back. And I'm getting back pay. Can we say I might just treat myself to something, like that Ipod I've been wanting? I really, really want an Ipod so I can listen to music and focus on boring tech writing at work.
Izzy, I feel very up. It's really strange because I can't remember the last time I"ve felt so up and dare I say, happy.
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Yay tayana - love to hear how well you are feeling and doing. How wonderful!
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Thanks Iphi and Amber. It feels good to feel like this.
I'm talking to my T tonight, although I'm not sure what we're going to talk about.
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Dear Tayana,
Truly so very very happy for your wonderful progress.
"Congratulations" regarding your promotion, and package.
Love, Leah
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CONGRATULATIONS TAYANA!!!-
You have done so much, and now comes the harvest! What a blessing- what a true Thanksgiving this year!
Love and Joy,
Changing
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Tay:
I can listen to Pandora on the computer while I work. It's great.... look it up.
I know chocolate pecan pie is good too..... but me thinks a straighforward Pecan Pie at Thanksgiving, lol.
I'm still a tad bit confused about the NC and holidays with your brother. I guess you'll have to work things out but.... I'm used to having at least 3 Christmases a year bc of divorced parents. One on Christmas Eve, fancy with china and crystal withmy mother, then Christmas morning and early dinner with In-laws and Christmas day dinner and evening at my father's usually involving a bonfire and turkey frying event. MMmmmmmMMM Tobasco fried turkey!
There was never any way in the Universe my parents would have shown up to the same Holiday gathering, just to make our lives easier.
My SIL celebrates 2 weeks early with her family and she likes it that way.
I kinda see you in the same boat now...... it's time for you to get your shift and I'd take the late one if I was you. Or celebrate on different days. You get your brother on Christmas Eve, dinner and present opening all done at night when the lights are bright! Your parents can have them on Christmas morning? Something like that.
I used to eat a minimum of 2 Thanksgiving meals, drive 4.5 hours every Thanksgiving between In-laws and my F's house. Thank goodness my mother never wanted anything to do with Thanksgiving and us. Bad but I don't think I could handle another meal that day :shock:
My point is.... who decided you couldn't celebrate with your brother if you honored NC with Mum? It just may not be exactly the same schedule as in the past, ya know?
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(((((((((((((((((((((Tayana))))))))))))))))))))
How happy I feel reading your letter!!!!!!!!!!!! Honestly, you have come farther than I have seen here yet!!!!!It is so nice when someone makes a "breakthrough" and, girl, you made a huge one. This is so wonderful. Whether the medicine is helping (I think it might be - I remember what it was like to finally feel GOOD when mine kicked in) or not, you ARE making it. M will be stronger - and you already are a different person. You broke through the fear!!!!!!!!
Thank you Tay, for making my day!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love, Beth
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Hmm, I think I'm getting M's cold . . . ugh.
Lighter, I see what you're saying. I don't know that my parents are going to be there. They haven't said one way or the other whether or not they're coming. It's only a possibility. I'm going to enjoy my holiday no matter what. I'm making my pecan pie and some bread and maybe something else. And I'm going to enjoy the day. And if they do show up, and my mother tries to start a scene, I'll play cool and collected and I won't let it get to me.
M got a card from her last night. It made me mad, because she'd written, "We'll always love you. Remember that." If she loves M so much, why doesn't she act like it. Just because of me? If that was the case, why couldn't she write him letters or call for him. Instead, she sends a holiday card, and I get a teary "Oh, that's so sweet!" from M, and I cringed because I was afraid I was going to have to deal with more fallout. I ranted at my T for almost an hour last night. I ranted even more because he sort of suggested I shouldn't be mad over a holiday card, that I shouldn't be seeing plots over a card. But how can I not? That's what she does.
Beth, I'm so glad I made your day. I still don't feel anxiety today, although I am tired, and I don't feel very good. I think I'd like a nap in fact.
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Tay:
Enjoy the energy and Holiday Spirit that's upon you.
I love reading about it! The joy of baking and creating holiday goodies with your own hands.
I just want to point out.....
if your mother can upset you with a simple short card to M.... what can she do when she's got M, face to face?
You're feeling strong enough to handle anything right now.... that's a blessing.
I just don't want it to lead you into something you could have avoided by setting boundaries around the holidays, which you may have to do envetually bc of her behavior.
What does your brother say about your parents attending? Did your parents say they probably wouldn't come bc of health or something?
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Lighter, you are exactly right, and if I have to set boundaries I will. I won't lie down and tolerate her bad behavior if she's there.
They were invited before I went NC, but they have never said yes or no as to whether or not they are coming. My brother's a little apprehensive about it too, because it could end up being nasty. I don't intend to let things get nasty. If it gets nasty I'm going home.
She could do a lot face to face, and anytime she gets M to herself she plays this game of running me down and twisting the things I've done around. It's not funny. She denies she's doing it, but I'm not naive.
I wasn't so upset by the card, just really irritated.
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Dear Tayana,
Just want to say 'Hi" . You are making wonderful progress. Love Ami
((((((((((((Tayana)))))))))))))
PS--Have you done any writing?
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Hi Tay,
Sorry in advance for the typos - smashed my fingers pretty badly, so I am having trouble typing.
Just wanted to say that i am so, so glad to hear that yuo are doing so well.
Frankly - that card would have irritated me too. Not because of the card so much, but because of the recent history behind your relationship (not seeing her as often). Had she simply wanted to send a card without potentially making M feel bad (my kids would have felt bad because she was feeling bad about missing them), she could have sent a card saying thinking of you and sending you lots of love. It is the same old same old IMO - the subtle manipulations.
Your T might not realize it because htat is how they work (and why they get away with it most of the time - it is the little drops of acid over time - well in your case, have to say there have bee some huge buckets of acid as well!!
In any case, I hope you have a wonderful holiday with your brother and his family. I lam hopeful that your parents don't show up, but wouldn't be surprised if they did. I understand wanting to spend the holidays with family - have been feeling a little down that I don't have my FOO to celebrate with (wishful thinking on my part - I remind myself it would be a nightmare anyway).
I do like your idea that if they show up, and she starts up, simply draw your line in the sand once, and if she crosses it again. Leave. If it happens, don't allow yourself to feel badly about it, rather tell yourself you tried, she cannot change, and let it go. I am a little worried that it may be too soon to see her - you have made so many positive changes recently. I am worried that this might tip the scales back a bit. But you know, you have alread worked through so much, I have no doubt you can handle this as well.
I am really glad to hear you doing so well!
Peace
On edit: Forgot to mention I hope you feel better - sending you some homemade, chunky chicken cyber-soup.
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hi Tay,
Got to say that I belatedly realize I do share Lighter's and Peace's concern about you exposing yourself to her at all...
I'm concerned she'll use ANY chance in M's vicinity to use emotional blackmail, oh-boo-hoo-poor-Grandma's-MISSED-you (sob) scenes, or worse, oh-boo-hoo-M-you're-(something lacking or negative)-you-need-Grandma-DON'T-you? scenes.
You can handle the ups and downs but seriously, knowing the history--how much of a high price do you think you would pay for Tgiving in her presence? Are you prepared?
I do think if you walk in the door with a certain Don't-F***-With-Me-EVER-AGAIN glint in your eye, and body language that cannot be confused with submission...you might get through. But but but...
Is it worth it?
What about some people's customs of celebrating holidays at different times? Like, some do Xmas on Xmas Eve. Some wait until after it all. I don't know...
Just wanting to plot your escape route. Would be awful to say NO MORE and then have M pitch a fit because he wants to stay "with Grandma".
Wanna role play?
Hops
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Arrrgh! So today, I hike up to the mailbox for the mail. I got a card from my parents, a Thanksgiving card.
There's no return address, but I know who it's from. So I open it with some trepidation expecting something that knocks me in the teeth. There's nothing. It's just signed Mom and Dad. It has the feel of something very forced, like my dad forced my mother to send it or something.
I'm going to go have supper now and some tea. I need some tea. I'll respond more later.
I have to go detox from this.
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(((((tayana))))))
I'm going to go have supper now and some tea. I need some tea. I'll respond more later.
I have to go detox from this.
Hope it helps. seasons
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Hi Tay,
My mom did this as well. Last T-day I got a basket of plants and my kids got stuffed animals. I was approx. one month NC at the time.
Do you have a friend who lives close to you. I asked my H to vet the mail for me. If she sent something, I asked him to read it and to let me know if there was anything I needed to know (critical information) - if there was nothing critical - it went in the trash. I also had him vet any letters that came for the girls. To make sure that she was acting appropriately.
I was too close at the time to handle it - it would set me right off.
If you don't have someone close by who can pre-read - can you put anything that comes in the mail aside until you feel well enough to handle it? (I am guessing here, you mentioned that you feel like you are getting a cold - when I am sick, it is so much harder to deal - when I am physically run down, it is harder for me to hold my emotional boundaries).
Another option might be the T, although I am hesitant to suggest if after their reaction to M's letter.
Hang in there Tay - I am thinking of you,
Peace
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What I'm afraid of, Tay.....
is your having a traumatic Thanksgiving Day that leaves you and M reeling for weeks..... maybe months.
You're on such a high note..... partially bc of the NC boundary, IMO.
To give that boundary up..... so easily.....makes me worry for you, dear.
And M too.
I don't want you to have to live through another train wreck esp if you could have easily avoided it.
I know we pays our monies and takes our chances.... but.... when is it enough?
You've certainly paid more than your fair share so, I know you can continue to ponie up if you have to...... it won't break you. You would have broken a long time ago if that was the case.
It's like watching you happily board a train.... I'm almost sure will wreck. :shock:
You can stay happy and baking and enjoying your holiday..... you don't have to get on the train, Tay.
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Unnng. I definitely have a cold. If the headache I had when I got up this morning is any indication of how M has felt, I'm sorry I thought he was faking to get out of school.
I have recovered from opening my mother's "holiday" card, although I really feel lousy today. I hope I feel better tomorrow.
FP, I don't really have someone who could look at my mail before me. I just have to brace myself when I get anything from them. I really expected there to be some sort of note, something snide and hateful. I think just the blank card and the generic signature was just as bad though. It was a slap in the face. I feel like I'm that person in the family that no one talks about and everyone whispers about.
Lighter, I have already promised myself that if my mother is there and she's not on her best behavior, I'll draw the line in the sand and leave. I'll just tell her if she's going to be nasty, then I'm going home. And then I'll go back to NC, and make sure Christmas is done at my house. And if my bro wants to have Christmas with mom and dad, then he can go to them.
This is sort of a test, but even if all goes well, I don't intend to rely on her for anything. I don't trust her. M probably won't be spend a lot of time with her, at least not time alone.
FP, I sort of have two T's, but I just started with the one. I wanted to change because the one I've been seeing doesn't really understand sometimes. Like with the card thing. He's been very helpful, but I think I've gone as far as I can with him. I'm supposed to see the other one Tues. I'll probably need to if I have to deal with my parents over the holiday.
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::Watching the train leave the platform::
::Waving::
I find using Zicam, the kind you squirt in your nose.... like clear mucous ick.... helps shorten the duration of a cold.
Cleaning out your pipes, with Ocean or saline, helps too.
Feel better, Tay.
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Zicam huh? I'll have to give that a try.
I took some cold medicine earlier and now I'm sleepy.
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Tay,
Going back to what you said about not letting the holiday get ugly...
Somehow, even before I knew what was going on in my family, I figured out the best way to counter my mother was to remain calm and stoic. So, one time (this happened a few times, but this one was the hardest for me), I flew to Texas to visit them. When I got there, she immediately started screaming that I didn't even come to see them, I just wanted to see my friends, and other nasty stuff. I picked up the phone book, told her I would change my reservation and return immediately. She calmed down and this happened two or three more times over the years until she saw I would not play and I was dead serious.
Stick to your guns. She will try ANYTHING to get you enmeshed again. I promise you. Disengage, disengage, disengage.
And take some therma flu and wrap up in a blanket and eat some garlic to ward off the nasty cold.
Love, Beth
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Beth, thanks for the advice. That is sort of how I'm planning to deal with her, just cool and collected. I'm not going to get into arguments, debates or try to explain any decisions I've made. I'm not going to play the blame game. I'm not going to fill her in on all the details of my life she's missed out on. She's going to get a very bare bones telling, if that, basically that I'm still alive and working, but I have a cold. She's not going to get information about M or school or work. She's not going to get anything else. Things will stay on neutral topics, or I will walk out and enjoy the rest of my holiday at home.
I'm going to go home in about a half hour. I didn't sleep hardly at all last night. I foolishly made something to bring into work today, and I had to wait for the oven. And I also foolishly put in the Queer As Fold DVD I got yesterday and was watching that. That show is addictive. So I didn't even go to bed until late, and then I couldn't sleep.
Can't do the garlic though. I apparently have a massive intolerance to garlic.
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Hi Tay,
I know this feeling: "I feel like I'm that person in the family that no one talks about and everyone whispers about." (Although at this point I think most of them are cursing me at the top of their voices - ha!).
I hope you feel better soon. If your parents do go, and your Mother starts up, and you have any trouble maintaining those boundaries - just imagine all of us standing there in a circle around you and M lending you any strength you may need.
Will be thinking of you, please let me know how it goes.
Peace
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Hey FP, I love that image and I'll remember that. I talked to my brother earlier. At the moment it sounds as though they won't be there. Apparently, she made a pie and sent it home with him. That alone tells me that she doesn't want to go. She never wants to go to my brother's home, or mine for that matter.
I came home early from work. I picked M up at daycare and we went to lunch, then came home. I took a nap, and I felt better afterwards. My pie is made, and the bread is almost done. I'm going to enjoy my holiday, even if I end up coming home and doing nothing but watching movies.
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Dear Tayana,
Just thinking of you. Love Ami
((((((((((((((Tayana)))))))))))))
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Do you like Queer As Folk? It is hilarious... and addictive (I compare it to NipTuck which I was smitten with for a while). It is just so graphic... :lol:
Have a great Thanksgiving and get rid of those bugs!!
Love, Beth
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Tayana-
You have really accomplished so much! I hope that you have a wonderful holiday with your son and all of your loved ones - a real Nfree hoedown!
Love,
Changing
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Beth, oh I love QAF. I'd never seen it before, so I've been renting the DVD's from netflix. It's so funny and horribly addictive.
Thanks for all of the good wishes everyone.