Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Lupita on November 20, 2007, 06:18:07 PM
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Need to start new. Need to forgive. If I do not forgive, how can I expect forgiveness?
Need to have a new attitude. I know that when I get to school and I start receiving attack after attack I go back to my fear and depression but that is the case. That I will be able to stand and endure the punch in the face with my new attitude.
Probably after vacation and winning their championship they did they will be occupied in that and forget a little about me. That is a good opportunity to start all over again, with new attitude and they will not see me. If I do not bother them, they might not bother me. Or that I hope.
But to start with a new attitude I need to feel well. I was just thinking how my son can be proud of me if I am not able to have a stable job. I need to be stable for my self and for my son too. He needs to see me happy. Or at least at peace.
With the books I am reading I see that my coworkers are not all guilty. I have brought to my self some of it because of my constant need of approval and they might think, “this woman behaves like a kid that I have to feed her and she is not my daughter, I have enough with my own problems to adopt a 50 yo woman”
So, if they see that I do not need their sympathy and smiles and help and approval, they might respect me a little.
I was talking to god a moment ago. I was telling God that I wanted to forgive my mother but it was not a matter of forgiveness but the constant dealing with her and her constant negativity and ugly words that she does not even know that are ugly.
So I asked God to help me be indifferent to her e mails. To write her that the weather is good here and not to respond to her provocations, but not only not to respond to her but not to feel anything. Almost impossible. But, it is a beginning. So I can feel better and go to work with less stress.
It is difficult because I do not find satisfaction in anything. But at least at this very moment I do not have fear to be fired. I have not done anything wrong, I am a very good teacher, I show love for my kids, and teach good lessons.
The mocking will go away if I handle it like I have been planning. Or so I hope.
The unwelcome hugs will go away too if I handle it the way I have been planning. Or so I hope.
I need to rest. So much I need to rest. God, give me peace.
I have to start blessing my school because after all they are providing my beans on the table and I should not bite the hand that feeds me. Maybe if I start loving the school they might love me back. But then I go back to the point, you do not go to work to be loved, you go to work to provide a service and if you expect to be treated like a daughter you will be sad and disappointed. You have to love your self and not expect that your boss is going to validate you. Nor your coworkers are going to validate you.
So, I think I am going in circles.
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(((((Lupita)))))
I see you hassling yourself and I hope that you will stop bothering yourself and concentrate on the loving yourself part and all the good things you are working on. You told yourself you have to forgive, you have to make your son proud, need to start all new, have a new attitude, need to never be needy, need to never want approval, need to never need anything from anybody but always love everybody and forgive everybody without any limitations whatsoever, and never be bothered by what anybody including your mom does to you.
I think you are putting way too much on yourself. What is that expression someone started about riding you like a beach donkey - you are riding yourself like a beach donkey. I'm not sure what a beach donkey is. But I am sure they get loaded down ridiculously and ridden far too long with no consideration.
I am positive you are a good teacher and a good person. I am positive your son is already proud of you (or else he is stupid, but that cannot be because he came from you and you are not at all stupid). Plus you are wonderful, lovely and loveable and a good person. But I would like to see you love yourself better than to demand you love and forgive everyone all of the time - love yourself with greater consideration and gentleness - so much demands! Love yourself by giving yourself time and kindness. You don't have to give all this stuff to everybody. You are valuable anyway. Your value has nothing to do with giving anything to anybody. So you are needy, so what? The starving are hungry and have nothing to be ashamed of in their hungry - you are a good person and a lovely person and deserve to have all your needs for love and affection and respect met until you are content as cat. I mean - it is not shameful to be needy about some things - it only means we have been starved.
Please be kind to yourself.
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I think everyone goes around in circular logic.
I'm doing it right now over more than one thing...... it's human to doubt and human to struggle with changing old habits and adding new.
You don't have to love your school but..... it's better to embrace the people and things you enjoy and feel positive about them than to spend all your time thinking and dreading the negative and bad, yes?
You have choices.
Every day you make hundreds of small decisions...... you get to choose if you ignore the meanies when they pass by.
You get to choose if you give big brilliant smiles to the nice people.... have lunch with them.
YOu get to choose if you dismiss something ugly said to you..... choose to go back to thinking positive uplifting things for yourself and leave the ugliness behind.
Or not.
Just food for thought.
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Thnak you Iphi and Lighter for your time and for your thoughts. I am so tired that have no energy left to worry. I am totally flat today. It is vacation and cant sleep anymore. HOpe that I can sleep a little later.
I know these people have been unfair. But if I keep resenting so much their unfairness I am going to have a heart attack. So, I have to see the unfairness in a indffernt way. Something that is thier choice and I do not have to suffer for them.
I do not need them. I just need to go there, do my job, and come back home.
As you can see, I am still chasing my tale. But I do not have the fear I had last week. I only have the disgusting feeling of having been treated unfairly. I feel that, as a setp forward.
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I feel that, as a setp forward.
Looks that way to me too, Lupita.
Keep it going!
hugs,
Hops
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(((((((((((((Lupita)))))))))))))))) Love Ami
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I guess at some point...... just accepting the unfairness of a truly unfair situation....and focusing on other things..... is what you do.
The only reason to DO such an irrational unatural thing.... is bc of the high price you/humans/general pay if you don't.
I truly believe you could have a heart attack, and every manner of physical malady, if you don't let it go and move on.
Justice....
That's not a word that means what you think it means, when you really examine the workings of the world. Shocking. Sad.
But not fair, hardly ever fair even when justice seems to have been served.... it's can't really be fair.
I find it comforting to believe that we do honestly get back what we put out into the universe.
Zen philosophy sort'a balances out sharp edges the world rests on, IMO.
There can be no good without bad.
No joy without fear.
No happy without sad.
No up without down.
No euphoria without dysphoria.
No Innocent without evil.
And that pretty well explains it for me, without having to go deeper.
It is bc it has to be.
I have experienced some of the best life has to offer..... and also some of the worst.
Comes right down to it...... I'm glad it hasn't been any worse than it has...... truly, I am grateful.
I've held someone I loved very much in my arms and watched him die.
I've lived in fear, but I wasn't chained in some lunatics basement, at his mercy.
I have certain choices yet to make, bc I'm not preoccupied with biomedical ethics on the children's oncology ward.
Sometimes I am truly grateful that I am where I am and have what I have (not talking about things either.) jJust glad my children are well, though I look around at my nieces and nephews and the muscles in my back and neck tighten painfully.... breath.... relax..... move...... make good choices. Try not to be silent. Try to help. Try not to make war. Try not to be invisible.
I believe that if I complain about my life, God might show me something 100X more dreadful..... to give me a little perspective on reflexion.
It's strange how this washes over me, like a tide. It's certainly not always on my mind..... it couldn't be. But it comes and it goes and I will always have choices, that's one thing I can count on.
Even when the choice is simply how I'll feel about something. I may not always choose wisely or be able to choose positive and upbeat but..... I sort'a realize I DO have a choice, even I'm being swep away by pain and fear in the moment......
I tell myself, the body isn't set up for extended stress. If I don't do something about this, I will get sick and I will break down. I realize, see, make the connection that I am responsible for moving myself into a better space, though I'm not always sure how.
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(((((Lupita))))) (((((Lighter)))))-
You are both so sincere and have been through so much. Both of you are also very smart and creative beings who have delightful senses of humor, each one expressing themselves in a unique way. You both deserve the peace and joy that you are so capable of. I hope you have a lovely Thanksgiving, no matter what you do, and that things just get better and better for you both.
Much Love,
Changing
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Thank you Changing. God bless you too.
Lighter, what happened?
I saw a large post here a few hours ago. I decided I wanted to read it in peace and with a cup of coffee, because, I always like to meditate and internailize what you write. I consider it so important!!!!
Sunddenly, I come from the supermarket with the excitement that I am going to read your post, I prepare my cup of coffee, I am salivating almost about everything you have to say, and I find that it is not here.
Am I hallucinating?
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Well, for many years I spent Thanks Giving alone with my son. Just Him and my self. And he always was very supportive. This year he wanted to spend this week with his father's family very much far away.
I thought I was going to pass out when I was told. But two friends invited me to their houses. From having nothing I ended up with four invitations and I had to decline two of them.
God was holding my neck but he is allowing me to breath, if he allows me to breath it is becasue he wants me alive. So, here I am very grateful that I am not going to spend Thanks Giving alone. For the first time in my life away from my son but with friends, also for the first time.
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It wasn't your imagination, Lupita.
It was a longer post..... I'd gone off on a very fulfilling tangent about my father's unsuccessful brain surgery, which happend right before B was dx'd with terminal cancer..... he's the one who died. Colon Cancer.... died 5 months to the day he was dx'd.... just like the gastro said he would, cold bastard.
Details and gripes.....
I'll do that rant another time if you're still interested.
((changing)) You made me cry :*)
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An excellent book revealing the importance of unconditional love and affirmation in one's life. Baars & Terruwe describe the discovery and symptoms of Emotional Deprivation Disorder -- a syndrome which results from a lack of unconditional love and emotional strengthening in one's life.
EDD manifests itself with symptoms such as feelings of loneliness, insecurity, insignificance, and worthlessness. Unaffirmed persons generally feel unwanted, unloved, inferior, depressed, afraid of the world, oversensitive, unlovable, and unable to make friends and relate to others.
This results in an emotional prison which is only able to be opened from the outside --
by another person giving unselfish, unconditional, authentic love.
To be healed, the individual must feel worthwhile to another person, loved, and understood.
Truly an important book for our time -- a time when so many are deprived of the emotional affirmation and love that they need.
http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Unaffirmed-Recognizing-Emotional-Deprivation/dp/0818909188/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1195678941&sr=8-1 (http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Unaffirmed-Recognizing-Emotional-Deprivation/dp/0818909188/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1195678941&sr=8-1)
((((((( Lupita ))))))))
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Thank you Unconditional. Your vocabulary sounds very similar to that of observer.
I have not heard from observer but I thank him/her for his/her help.
Thank you Uncond.
Lighter, of course I am interested!!!!!!!!!!!!! I posted a thread long time ago about you for my concern about you. I always sensed a lot of suffering from you.
You might consider the possibility of starting a thread on that. How did you deal with the pain? It seems that you have not recovered from that. How long ago was that? I guess when somebody suffer something like that you never ever recover because the pain will be there forever. I had a cousin who resently died of brain cancer. I had her in my arm when she was bron and I was thirtin. She died last year at 33. Brain cancer mutilated her little by little. First she lost vision, then movement of legs and then arms and finaly lost hearing, for months we did not know if she was connected with the world because we did not have a way to communicate with her. It was devastating for all the family. One day my mother was complaining about her children and I asked if she wanted to be in my aunt place and she said yes. That if I died her pain would be over. I think she was just thinking very stupiditely and she did not think what she said. But something tells me that she would feel better off if I was not in this world.
I guess that EDD fits me perfectly.
My son loves me unconditionally. Still he wanted to leave me ofr Thanks Giving and I have to understand him. Still, his love does not fill the emptyness. I know he has to belong to a wife in a future and she will be first place in his life. Still he is the only person who accepts me and loves me and forgives me. I would give my life for him.
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It seemed that everybody was going wonderful for a few weeks after my sister in low left. Even bad sexy dancing boy was an exciting adventure. Suddenly Dr. U came in to my life and everything started going down. He left and the problems at work did not leave with him, problems that I did not have last year. That put me down and I have not been able to recover. I need to move one. I really need to move on and stop dwelling in the past. At least I know that. Just cannot do it yet.
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God will help me because the loneliness is infinite and like a tone of concrete on my chest.
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I know, Lupita.
I know that weight.
But I'm here, and more of us...sending you lots of love.
I give thanks that your voice has been here to teach and enrich my life.
Thank you!
with love,
Hops
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Hopalong you are a very compassionate person. Thank you.
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[quote author=Lupita link=topic=6168.msg99767#msg99767 date=1195687316]
It seemed that everybody was going wonderful for a few weeks after my sister in low left. Even bad sexy dancing boy was an exciting adventure. Suddenly Dr. U came in to my life and everything started going down. He left and the problems at work did not leave with him, problems that I did not have last year. That put me down and I have not been able to recover. I need to move one. I really need to move on and stop dwelling in the past. At least I know that. Just cannot do it yet.
Dear Lupita,
My point ,on another thread, that the outside will not heal the inside is made by you (above). When we get an outside "high", it is a painkiller( for the moment). However, if we do not have inside resources to hold us up, then we become addicted to it.
Love ami
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Dear Ami, at the begining you spoke arabig to me. Now you start to make sense.
But if we have the EDD we will not recover unless somebody loves us. UNCONDITIONALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is not going to heppen because the only unconditional love comes from a parent and that is gone, zepo, nada, does not exist.
So, it is like we are empty.
OK let us go with the "BS" of love your self. I still I do not know how to love my slef.
Bubble baths? I prefer the jaccuzzi. I do salsa dancing, I love that, but I feel rejected even at salsa dancing.
I feel rejected because Lighter has not responded to my post in where I am telling her about my cousin. I know, I know, she has kids, she might be busy, but she was posting after that. She chosed not to post here.
This is not the first time she does not uknowledge my post. Even if she says I do not want to talk about it, butnot ignore the question.
Lighter, you are great, you are a womnderful person. The fact that I feel rejected is not your fault. It is my problem.
do you see Ami?
I feel bad even if the sun comes out or if it is cloudy. I was guilty of everything in my mother's head. I am still.
I was deprived from love.
OK, I am going walking with a group this morning. I have to be thankful that there is that group and that I have the health to o walking.
Still i feel disgusted. My reasoning tells me that I am lucky. My heart has a ton of concrete on it and is asfixiating.
In insuline resistant patients there is insuline but the cells do not have the receptors to make the insuline enter. Still the patient is diabetic despite having the insuline.
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I UNDERSTAND. Lupita, you are starting where you are.You are admitting where you are. That is good. You never "lied" about being in a better place just so you would "sound" good. You were always honest.
I can just speak for myself. God sends me people to help me. He sends me people to love me.
I have supernatural experiences where I know things that will happen.
I really should have no fear ,but I do. I have a deep fear from my "unsafe" childhood.
Lupita,I think that we can heal if we face the truth .Look at Gabben's threads. She and I see healing in the same way. Then,God sends us people to love us and who we can love. He sent me s/one really special recently and I feel that love inside me.
I really don't think that God would allow us to be "doomed" b/c we had bad parents.
There is a TV show that I watch on the computer." It's Supernatural "with Sid Roth. There are so many stories of people with our types of FOO. You can see how beautiful and healed they are.
That is how I see it.I WISH that I were totally healed,now. However,I feel more of a "core" and a self acceptance. I know that my healing is in "strengthening my core until I am at peace with myself. Then, the world will "work" for me.
Love Ami
((((((((((((Lupita)))))))))))
PS--if you watch the show--tell me what you think
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Hey, Lupita.....
I didn't see the cousin post yet. Sometimes I click on the last page and miss a post on the page before... wasn't intentional.
I always try to respond to your posts every time I'm on the board. I thought it was a bit odd that you didn't respond, by the time I checked but you never know what's going on in someone's life so..... I just keep checking back and looking forward to reading your posts: )
I just popped in one last time to check the board before taking off out of town and so glad I did.....
::going to read Lupita's cousin post::
OK... so sorry you lost your cousin..... so heartbreaking even when it's not a lingering regrettable departure. ((Lupita))
I will start a thread about my father's brain surgery and my B's cancer when I return. It was so good to just ramble about it.... so much frustration and anger left from the unfairness of so many things. Not just the fact that they were/are ill.
So many things surrounding the circumstances were unbeleivably unfair..... and I hate feeling oppressed and treated outragously.
I erased it bc it was LOOOOONG and I didn't think your thread was the proper place to do it, also..... I would have liked to have re read and written it out one or two more times.... so it made more sense I was clearer on how I feel about it now. That's the best reason to write.
I learned a lot from those days.... I also recovered quickly and embraced the world. I got busy and filled my life. I worked hard, sleeping on the floor of renovation jobs for an hour then getting up and working another 10.
I have lots to tell you about those days. Looking forward to it when I get back...((((Lupita))))
I think you'll be very interested in it, now that I think about it.
Happy Thanksgiving: )
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Well well well, Lighter you are not mind reader, I thought you would read my mind. You did not.
I did not want you to say that you were sorry about my cousin.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wanted you to say that you were sorry that my mother said she wanted me dead. And I do not think she wants me dead, but she said it. That was the issue.
Of course I was sorry for my cousin, and thank you for that, but here the point was the deprivation of love. Lack of affirmation. To the point that my mother told me she wanted me dead.
I was thinking how many times was she thinking if I was dead how much consolation she would recieve and how much love she would recieve, and how many times she fintaziced on that in my funeral with teardrops on her face and everybody hugging her.
And I was thinking that if my son dies before me I would go with him. I would not be able to stand it.
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((((Lupita))))-
I am sorry about your cousin. It is tragic that when you were so vulnerable, your M used the opportunity to show tenderness to instead inflict pain.
I hope that you have a restful Thanksgiving, and find comfort with your true friends and loved ones, and your own special joys.
Love and Best Wishes,
Changing
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Lup,
I can imagine how utterly desolate you must feel when you think of your own mother indicating she wished you were dead.
She really departed from the "mother" column a long time ago, didn't she?
I wish you could find a women's support group. And tell them everything you tell us here.
About feeling rejected, lonely, unloved. All that pain.
In 3-D. With a compassionate group leader.
I really wish that for you. It changed my life.
love
Hops
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Thank you Hopalong. You are very compassionate persone.
Today Friday i feel well, not bad not euphoric, just peaceful, I love that, when I just feel peaceful because that gives me rest.
I went to the custodios house yesterday, I had other invitations but I was having such a great time there that i did not want to leave and stayed there all day.
We told jokes, of all kinds, I laught, salsa music as a back ground, latin people yell, they do not talk like the european or american, they yell, including me, I love it. So, even if we are talking of regular rutinely things we are yelling, and I love it.
One of the custodios is cuban and was 22 years in jail in Cuba because of Fidel Castro. He is very thnakful that he is in USA now but the resentment about all his youth taken up in jail because of that bad man, does not go away. He showed us the scares on his abdomen and back of the tortures he suffered. He was only 17 yo. Now he is 57. The government here offered him disability and he did not take it. He is working hard at my school and he still laugh and tell jokes.
Wow, I was ashamed of my self. But I recovered pretty fast because he was making jokes.
We are lucky to be here. I forgot about that.
I feel so fullfilled for all what I had yesterday that I have peace today. But since my soil is so dry, all rain is absorbed too quickly and soon need more and more and more rain.
So, this will last I guess till my first day of work when I have to see Ms. Vz and SociialScience teacher, and librarian, etc.
Today I thought that life is beautiful.
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I think that joy and peace is a sample of gratitud. So that will be my thanks giving late today from yesterday.
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Dear Lupita,
I am BLOWN AWAY that you are so happy. You have a true joy ( not a bad boy high).My heart is singing to see you happy.It really is.
I think that part of it is that you really,really are facing deep pain that you would not face, before.I could be wrong.I think that you are beginning to face the truth of your M ( and yourself) You seemed to take a step forward when Observer showed up.
I hear more authenticity in your posts and more humor. I think that you broke through some of your "numbness"
What do you think? Love to You, Ami
((((((((((Lupita)))))))))))))
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Observer was of great help.
Observer do not go away.
I hurt less today than yesterday.
In fact, right now, I am not hurting at all. Right this minute I am just peaceful.
I am fine.
I do not need my "mother" holding my hand, or a husband or anybody. I feel fine.
Today is a nice day. I am not afraid.
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I'm so glad you're feeling better, Lupita.
Have you noticed...... really bad feelings.... they come and go?
About your mother.... I'm not just sorry she told you she wished you dead, when your cousin passed.
That's just a symptom, though I'm sure it was devastating to hear it from a parent, no matter what age you are.
What I'm sorry about is that your mother is broken and unable to parent you, unable to be a decent person and unable to be appropriate around you at all.
It wasn't one statement to feel sorry about..... it's that she's been hurtful and innapropriate your entire life that I find wounding.
I wish she could have done better.
She can't.
She won't ever be able to give that to you.
She was all that before your cousin died.
Your mother will be hurtful and inadequate, towards you, until she goes to meet her maker.
I'm sorry she hurt you when you were learning to ride your bike, I'm sorry she hurts you every time she makes you feel guilty and at fault, I'm sorry she's made you feel unworthy of love and I'm especially sorry she's so broken she'd say she wished you dead, under any circumstances.
I honestly don't believe she knows what she does and I think her world is small and scary and she's running from demons of her own..... bc why else on God's earth would a parent say and do such things to their own child? It makes no sense, Lup and you're intelligent and sensitive so it's that much harder to make peace with. We want it to make sense..... even when there's no hope that will happen.
She can't do any better..... she would if she could. She can't.
It's not you..... you're well enough to figure this out. She's just not and for that I'm sorry too. For her and for you.
In the meantime....... I'm glad you're experiencing some serenity and hope this post doesn't upset you.
I think sharing that wonderful social gathering was a balm for your soul. That's how we get over the terrible things..... we find better things and fill ourselves with them..... so there's less room for the bad.
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An excellent book revealing the importance of unconditional love and affirmation in one's life. Baars & Terruwe describe the discovery and symptoms of Emotional Deprivation Disorder -- a syndrome which results from a lack of unconditional love and emotional strengthening in one's life.
EDD manifests itself with symptoms such as feelings of loneliness, insecurity, insignificance, and worthlessness. Unaffirmed persons generally feel unwanted, unloved, inferior, depressed, afraid of the world, oversensitive, unlovable, and unable to make friends and relate to others.
This results in an emotional prison which is only able to be opened from the outside --
by another person giving unselfish, unconditional, authentic love.
To be healed, the individual must feel worthwhile to another person, loved, and understood.
Truly an important book for our time -- a time when so many are deprived of the emotional affirmation and love that they need.
http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Unaffirmed-Recognizing-Emotional-Deprivation/dp/0818909188/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1195678941&sr=8-1 (http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Unaffirmed-Recognizing-Emotional-Deprivation/dp/0818909188/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1195678941&sr=8-1)
((((((( Lupita ))))))))
Have to say, can't get over this whole Emotional Deprivation Disorder concept - it is truly amazing.
Just read all of the above posting : the synopsis, on the amazon site --- and more besides - from the book review blog.
Astounding.
Reality is, affirmation and acceptance, unconditionally, can make a life saving difference!
Wonderful stuff.
Love, Leah
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Hi Lupita,
Am thinking of you and wondering how your week went.
(((((Lupita))))))
Peace
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Me too Lupita - how are you doing?
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Lupita's dancing?
Stomping on some blue suede shoes?
I hope so!
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SP, Iphi, Hopalong, thank you so much for asking. That meant a lot to me. I will start a new thread to answer your questions, and thenk you for asking.