Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Ami on November 20, 2007, 06:49:18 PM
-
I have been able to detach b/c you all showed me that it was 'normal".. Tonight,I detached as my H had a rage. I remembered back a long time ago when I would never have accepted this behavior: a long,long time ago when I had all my emotions.
Tonight,I looked at it and "saw" it. I saw that I danced to avoid the rages. I got sick b/c I had to lie to live in this denial.
I danced to make my mother O.K and I danced to make my H --- O.K.
I see it and I am very grateful for that---profoundly grateful. Love Ami
PS---I really want to call my Aunt and ask her ,'Is this normal?" Do your D's go through this?" I know that she would say ,"No.
-
Dear Ami,
Toxic love - the air we breathed in our childhood - If the only thing that we are used to is polluted air then it is hard for us to know anything different - we just sense somethings a miss. Now you are breathing in the love from this board and giving it to yourself it is like a new armor against your H's rage.
Love,
Lise
-
You are so sweet Lise. You understand it very well(unfortunately) Love Ami
((((((((((((Lise))))))))))
-
Hi Ami,
I'm so sorry to have to ask this, my apologies first. But I think I am confused about your H and your relationship. I think I may have thought you were not together. Obviously I got that wrong. :oops:
I care very much and want to make sure I know your truth before I speak.
I am so used to abuse that I don't even see it anymore I wish more for you, gently with love.
Sending prayers of protection for you dear Ami. May you soon find your way out of harms way with all of your N's.
((((((seasons ))))))
-
ditto to what seasons said Ami - "May you soon find your way out of harms way with all of your N's."
Love, Lise
-
Ami
Reactions to toxic people: I'll bet you know when you react.
Then that toxic person ought not be in your life at all, in order for you to heal
How many people in your everyday life drive you up the wall and down again???
Well for me it was my parents, and my 4 siblings. I left home when I finished high school (I didn't have the advantage of further education) and was supporting myself. However, not knowing what was happening, I would go 'home' (out of guilt) and clean the house for my mother (now in a wheelchair.) None of the other girls did when they left home. So I was different in a 'wrong' way.
So the 6 of them are toxic to me in different levels so are on the other side of my fence. My daughter and her children are also on the other side of the fence. I have reached a point that I don't miss any one of them, as it was the family, then the daughter marrying an N and my life with 'them' until he kicked me out.
The people closest to me relatioinship-wise are the most toxic ones for me.
I write this because you still have a husband and 2 sons to deal with, and you haven't NC'd your mother because you refer to her.
-
Thanks for taking my inventory,kid. Ami
-
No, Ami, it's not normal. I have friends with normally disfunctional families (lol). They do not cower or hide or worry. We learned that and we are unlearning it - as you pointed out. Disengage and also let it go in your mind. Any time we give to pondering their behavior and the hurt they cause us is a victory we give to their disorder.
You are moving along, Ami, and being strong.
(((((((((((((((Ami))))))))))))
Love, Beth
-
Beth - very, very wise:
Any time we give to pondering their behavior and the hurt they cause us is a victory we give to their disorder.
Until I realized this, I was not able to break away emotionally. I still slide back - but I can swing back much more quickly now that I am vigilant over my thouights (on edit: and emotions/emotional triggers).
(((((((Ami))))))))
I haven't read through all the posts here so am sorry in advance if I am repeating anything - but I was the same way (so used to abuse that I didn't even see it) - until one day, I woke up.
You woke up - eh? That, IMO, is the most important part.
Much love,
Peace
-
I think you've been identifying the abuse, for yourself and the board, for quite some time now.
Lately, when I see you write basically the same things, in different ways... it occurrs to me that you may be going over it again and again for someone else... besides yourself and us......
that you're looking for validation from the only people you really care about receiving validation from, ya know?
Your H and M, maybe.
Not sure but..... it seems like you really need them to realize what they did to you, admit it and take it all back.... nothing else will do.
They aren't ever going to be able to give you that, if they could they already would have. If they're really NPD or N'ish.... this is what they are..... not something they do with evil intent.
They do things bc they're selfish and struggling to stay on an even keep themselves. They're amoral and capable of doing evil bc it serves them, not bc doing evil drives them.
You can take what you want and compost the rest.
-
Whoosh. Scalpel of truth:
They aren't ever going to be able to give you that, if they could they already would have. If they're really NPD or N'ish.... this is what they are..... not something they do with evil intent.
They do things bc they're selfish and struggling to stay on an even kee[l] themselves. They're amoral and capable of doing evil bc it serves them, not bc doing evil drives them
Oy, Missy Lighter.
Hops
-
Any time we give to pondering their behavior and the hurt they cause us is a victory we give to their disorder.
Not sure but..... it seems like you really need them to realize what they did to you, admit it and take it all back.... nothing else will do.
They aren't ever going to be able to give you that, if they could they already would have. If they're really NPD or N'ish.... this is what they are..... not something they do with evil intent.
They do things bc they're selfish and struggling to stay on an even keep themselves. They're amoral and capable of doing evil bc it serves them, not bc doing evil drives them.
Little book of wisdom here.
Thank you, dear friends.
Love, Leah
-
Dear Lighter,
You have given the answer to the dilemma. It was helpful to see it there in stark black and white.The answer is that the N's ARE N's and will never change. You just have to accept it and go on.
However, even though it IS the answer, it is like the answer in the back of the "Teachers Book'. You may have the answer but you don't know the process to solve the problem.
That is what I am doing----the process in solving the problem Ami
-
I was a counselor in a shelter for abused woman and I have been abused. Here is the thing about abuse(IMO).
It is the same as you "give a man a fish and he has fish for a day.You teach a man to fish and he can fish for a lifetime."
What is "teaching a man to fish? It is reclaiming your true emotions. It is KNOWING when you have been violated b/c part of abuse is that it is "normal" to the person being abused.Even though they "protest", they have a part in them that thinks that they deserve it(IMO)If 'deserve" is too strong a word, they have a threshold for abuse based on their past conditioning(IMO)They need to get their self esteem back where they think that they are worth more than abuse.
It is a complex process of rehabilitation,like you would do with a physical injury.
If s/one says,"Oh ,the person is an N. let it go."That IS true. However, if it were that simple, we all would be healed from N's and abuse already.
So, as I see it ( and I am healing) is that it is a process of rebuilding a self like you would restore the skin of a burn patient.
For a person to be abused (and stay), they are at a level of a rehabilitation patient. What has to be rehabilitated is their belief in themselves. Ami
-
Abuse of any sort is very 'confusing". My house has been crazy ,lately(past two days).I am confused.
The thing with abuse( and I would see it when I worked with the men in the woman's shelter) is that the abuser DOES have some truth in what they are saying. The abused person questions themselves so badly that they really don't "know" the truth of the situation.There is where the puzzle pieces fit together.
That is where I am right now.There is a grain of truth.
I will write later. Ami
-
Ami,
Does his rage seem to stem from frustration, or from cruelty?
Take care of yourself.
Hops
-
Frustration--Why Hops?
-
This is the thing that I am struggling with .(If anyone wants to hit me over the head with a machete,please restrain yourself)
My H has a reason to be angry and frustrated with me and with my S(older). He was looking for s/thing and I was just "sitting there" ----out of it. He was angry b/c he had been working for the whole day and I was "unresponsive". Also, he wanted my S to go to the bank and my S kept "forgetting" .
So, the seed for my H's anger was real.. The problem is with HOW he expresses it.I guess that is the problem for ALL l of us. What M is not frustrated with her children and wants to "kill" them.It is "normal"to be angry and frustrated. It is HOW you express it that puts you in the category of "abusive" --am I right?
Also, I guess that everyone loses it and screams at times.
Anyway, My H was "losing it" b/c he was not appreciated. He is a wonderful provider,but that does not take away the need to be kind, emotionally. That was his childhood pattern.If you provided ,you could have childish emotions.His M still brags that my H was wonderful in school ,but when he came home ,he could let loose and have whatever tantrums he wanted. She thought that it was cute or appropriate.
Anyway, that IS his childhood pattern. My S and I face the truth. However, the confusing thing WAS that I WAS wrong in that incident and in others. I do things wrong. He has grievances with me that are "right"
Then, my younger S is "golden". However,my younger S is now having problems with his emotions,while my older S ,who can see the truth, is good emotionally.My S (older) is getting very wise. He had an N boss. That "smartened " him up. Also, he is getting very wise ,in general. He is a student and a manager at McDonalds. He worked his way up from the counter at 16. it. He is very good at it.
I guess that I will not see or heal this all in a day.I am glad that I never "repeated" and that is a blessing. 'God will not begin a good work in you(healing) without taking it to completion" Love
Ami
-
"'God will not begin a good work in you(healing) without taking it to completion"
Oh how I needed to hear that this morning.
((Ami)),
I'm still reading through all the new posts and working my to begin responding, especially to your recent threads. It may take me a while to respond but I am carrying you and others on this board in my warmest thoughts today.
Lise
-
I guess that I got in to "abuse" b/c I didn't have my core and I will get out to the degree that I strengthen my core. Ami
-
I backed my H down.I said that I should have done the things I did BUT he cannot have tantrums(rages) as a means of expressions---oy. He agreed. Ami
-
Ami.... you should probably skip this post..... it's not directed at YOU so much as everyone dealing with a controlling hurtful person in an abusive relationship.
This is my running commentary about that issue and I post it here, just in case it makes sense to someone.
Eh... after reading it twice I've decided the snake stuff is just confusing but...... I leave it cause I'm pressed for time. I get confused with the NPD and other types of disorders, addictions etc.
I keep this post on this thread, bc it makes sense to leave it here. I just have to apologize up front and hope you skip it if you're not in the mood for it, Ami.
It's like watching someone dance around snakes....
appreciating their natures and understanding why the snakes had to bite them.....
acceptance that it's all the snake knows.
After all.... the snakes were feeling fear..... feeling aggression bc someone was dancing by.... provoking them.
I guess dancing around snakes isn't the problemn after all.... the snake just has to change it's nature?
Hey!
IT COULD HAPPEN!
Anyhoo.....
I have to say the following... even if it seems obviouse:
It's never appropriate for someone to threaten someone, verbally or physically....
it's never appropriate for someone to raise their voice when we/general aren't responding in the manner they desire/require/insist on...... or they'll rage, become violent and injure us if we don't...... bc that's what they do, have always done, is what their FOO did.
Not even if we forget something so gravely important as a trip to the bank.
It is, however, appropriate for bullies to use verbal and physical threats to get their way.....
esp if everyone around them keeps making excuses for their behavior. They don't even have to slow down or play games.
Esp if the people they're doing it to spend lots of energy exploring the abuse in an attempt to make sense out of it.
Esp if it's an unnacceptable shock to the system every time it's realized.... leaving fresh wounds over and over again. That's not a good groundhog day, IMO.
It's never appropriate for people to treat anyone in an abusive manner.
Ever.
Is the snake still at fault if the dancer doesn't stop dancing through his territory? If the dancer is an adult.... capable of moving to different territory and of sound mind....
hmmmm....of sound mind....
When the snake bites someone,
who's sitting by silently, not bothering them.....
just sitting there overwhelmed and saying nothing bc they don't want to deal with the snake......
then the snake isn't just biting bc it's his nature... he's not a snake.
Or is he?
Eeek.
It doesn't matter really.... if that's someone's true nature, no use to bother with why.
How dreadful, to be lower than a snake and seek out to do harm.... not avoid it but invite and initiate. Terrible stuff, that.
How does that old saying go? It seems appropriate just now...::snapping fingers::
"Doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different outcome...."
What's that called? Whether it involves an N or an addict or a controlling abuser....
The snake could ask that question, an abused spouse could ask that question.... the child of an N could ask that question.....
When I look closer.... ::getting out magnifying glass::.......
I guess the real problem isn't realizing that N's/abusers aren't ever going to change.
Nope nope nope.... though that's one moving part involved, to be sure but.....
It's coming to grips with the inevitable response we'll have to deal with if we buck the system of any abusive person.
If we come to the place where we can no longer tolerate living like that, no matter the cost.
We can do something small or nothing at all and bring wrath down on our heads..... what's a total muntiny going to bring?
I think sinking into an unresponsive dysphoria is a very natural response to dealing with aggresive offensive cruel demeaning irrational people in our lives.
Standing up to an intense unrelenting response might be what we feel we have to do IF we DO deal with the facts....
so it's a very hard march to that firing line.... facing the facts and shooting hope dead. Damn hard march. I know it is.
Is that THE terrible realization?
WHat comes next?
That's it, isn't it? It's what comes after we acknowledge and accept the truth... what it sets in motion.
Almost every human on the earth has a phobic response to human on human aggression.
It's hardwired into our systems.
No wonder it's so difficult to come to terms with the reality of irrational controlling people. It's unbearble to live that way and even harder to buck it. ACK!
Hmmmm...... challenging amoral abusive authority..... that's not something anyone wants to contemplate.... so they don't do it lightly and they don't do it bc they want to either.
They do it bc they HAVE to.
It's even less about giving up the hope of a dream than I thought, though that's one of the consistently larger moving parts involved, to be sure.
The controlling people may be disordered in their thinking.... but they're strong minded about what they do and what they feel entitled to. Talk about a strong offensive campaign to be reckoned with! They have no problem lying, cheating, stealing or using some truths and all our weaknesses to keep us confused while beating us over the head for being confused!
Living with controlling people drains the strongest among us. That harldy leaves anyone in a position to feel good about initiating what may be the most difficult challenge of their lifetime.
Esp if their FOO is a nightmare, only adding to the abuse if called apon for help.
THe strong minded dominate the weak minded....
until something gives.
Facing it feels worse than uncomfortable.... it's a death, many deaths and worse even than death bc it doesn't end easily.
I don't think it's about healing so much as it is about finally reaching that place where we can't live with ourselves under the current status quo.
It's lining up many moving parts and that's hard bc I don't think we can even see them all at once, even if we try.... just too big... too many of them.
We must find ourselves faced with a compelling Moral imperative, yup yup yup.
::sigh:: This has been a running commentary that didn't necessarily have any point but.....
Ok... ok.......
ANGER!
::nod::
I think maybe that's the point.
Anger must be one of the important moving parts... right?
Very important stuff.... getting in touch with appropriate anger is difficult to do when we doubt our realities.
Even harder for those who've been raised to think of anger as taboo... for those who aren't clear about what they think, they're too busy surviving, walking on eggshells and trying not to lose ground.
Anger helps difine us... individuate us and it gives us energy to get ourselves out of harm's way.
The energy to face what's to come.
If we're dysphoric.... that's us turning our anger inward?
Instead of outward at what's causing it?
We disconnect and refuse to partipate bc we can't pretend any longer.
Ahhhh.... the death of pretending.
I remember it well.
So.... becoming silent and depressed and unresponsive..... that's what comes when the anger can't make it's way out through some healthier channel?
So.... what next?
There's so many phases and pieces that have to fall into place... and there's no specific order.... so many moving parts to keep track of and tend to.
So... until things become clear... until the moral imperative rears it's head..... In the meantime.....
one can go through the mental excercise of thinking ahead, getting paperwork in order, gathering information one may need at a later date and, amazingly enough.... sometimes this is the thing that can remove a block.
It's not refusing to face things so much as it's sidestepping a head on confrontation....... it's preparation for treason.
Some kind of empowering movement forward, in any case.
Dealing with hard facts and pieces of paper that don't jump sideways, lie or talk back. Whew! How refreshing.
It's certainly practice for the real rebellion, if it ever comes.
Sort of babystepping, really.
A covert gathering of strength..... covert rebellion.... putting future leverage in place.... covertly.
Did I mention the word, 'covert?'
Like Sun did beautifully with 6 children and her husband waiving a gun about.
Ya ya... like that.
Sort'a like doing homework.... I bet Ami was a very good student.
I also think that we don't need to face or deal with truly physically abusive people, the system should stand as buffer in those cases.
There are legal avenues of gaining distance, such as the are. they're there.
Sometimes...... it's hard to tell when you can fight something yourself.
Hard to determine if there's room for negotiating your human rights, or not.
Do you think most people can tell if they're dealing with someone who's not going to budge an inch.... always going to be an abusive toxic waste of skin? (Rhetorical or not)
BTW... I think everyone does lose it and screams at times.... though I haven't wanted to kill my children at any time, up to this point.
They're still very small though :shock:
-
I vote for the Don't F*** With Me Again, EVER glint in the eye and body language that could never possibly be confused with submission
And if anything comes at us past those sane boundaries...even ONCE...
It's face the paper time. Safety deposit box in a new bank time. Just as Lighter describes.
imo.
Hops
-
Ami,
I am going through a law suit at my previous job where there was retaliation for a stand that myself and another coworker took. The attorney was appalled that I didn't think somethings were abuse. Like you said, you get so use to it, it becomes the norm. We have spoken to several differnt people (professionals) during this process and everyone but me seemed to see the problems. After they made me award, I began to realize this had gone on for quite awhile my coworker had just finally made me aware.
So you are not alone, if you don't feel right about it then I would venture to guess something is wrong. Your instincts seem to be pretty right on to me.
-
Dear Ami, I have the eimpression that you do not work outside home. Is there reason for that? OMG, you have a masters degree!!!!
Why do you like to stay home?
And this is only if I am right. I might be wrong. I have never seen you talk about your job, so i assume that you do not work outside home.
I would die if I had to stay home. Making your own money gives you pride. I was a homemaker for three years when I married in 1983. An N. It was a nightmare. He thought that becuase he was the provider he had to be first in everything. And I thought it was correct. And I was in my country and I was a DOCTOR. And concert pianist. When we went shopping he spent a lot of time in his stores and when it was about mine he did not wait at all. I had to go on my own.
It took me three years to understand that if I did not have to ask him for money he would be nicer to me.
Why did I stay home those three years? I have never been lazy!!!!! NEVER!!!!!!!
So, after three years I started giving piano lessons at my house with my baby in the playpen, then got a job in a school and my bay came with me to school and later he went to day care.
I hope I am not saying anything offensive to you. I really appreciate you and love you.
I feel that you are right. We do not understand the difference. I see many posts that you agree with people and in another posts you agree with something that is different. As if you were trying to agree with everybody.
Please, do not get mad at me if I am not giving you what you need. I am trying. But if you do not like it just disregard it.
I am so much like you. I identify almost with almost everything you have said.
-
Thank you so much for responding to this thread.
Thank you Alone . I always appreciate your kindness..
Thank you Gabben for your uplifting words.
Besee--I agree with Hops. The more that I heal, the more I agree with Hops. We have to have a boundary that is firm. I see it embodied in the saying,"Talk softly,but carry a big stick.'
I did not read the inner bonding articles,but from my reading, you have to HONOR the inner child. Taking any form of abuse is NOT honoring it.
In fact, my H started "his thing" the other night at about 5 PM. I had a stomach ache all night and All the next day UNTIL I stood up.Then,it went away. To me, my inner child is in the stomach(gut). If I do not honor my inner child, my stomach will hurt.
Before I got on the board,I could hardly eat. I had so dishonored my inner child. So,my guess is that you may have misinterpreted the articles. Margaret Paul seems like she really stands up for herself,IMO.
Lupita--you can insult me anytime( lol). Lupita, you are so sweet and gentle that I take what you say in that spirit.
I have worked in my marriage.I have had wonderful jobs. However,nothing on the outside has ever healed my core--no job, man, ,appearance, possession, accomplishment etc. Nothing ever touched that raw ,painful place inside me and healed it---until I found the board and all of you. Inner strength is a quality that exists apart from any outside endeavor(IMO) .This is not a political statement ,but look at Bill Clinton. He has had everything and it was never enough.
I know many very accomplished people with deep emotional pain that the accomplishments never "touched'.I have one friend(20 yrs) who was a dentist and a doctor who had to get a mental disability and leave work.
Then my cop b/f had no education and thought that he was "great".He loved himself from the inside. He could be in anyone's presence and never feel "less than" no matter HOW accomplished the other person was. It is all an inside job,Lupita.
.So, the outside can be good IF the inside is healed. Then,you have both.
I have 'been there and done that" on most things.
Love to you Ami
-
Ami, why are you working on an abusive relationship?
I know, I know, who am I to ask that, I have been a victim my self all my life. Still, you might want to answer me.
I asked you, if you worked outside home. You said i am wroking on my marriage.
If you think that I am a blind trying to help another blind you might be totally right. Still, would you answer me?
Then you can ask me why do I beg for love in everysingle person I meet and they get away from me. I know the reason, then you can ask me why I do not stop. I cant stop clinging to people. YET!!!!!!! I will try, tomorrow perhaps.
Can you answer me my question? or Could you? is there a reason?
If you do not want or dislike my question just disregard. Thank you. And love you.
Your sister.
-
Lupita--You are so sweet.I wish that I could hug you.
My marriage..... I think that I can let it go,now. If my H does anything physically,I will call the police. I am ready to let it go ..It took me getting the degree of self that I now have(however small) to get to this point.
I stayed with my H b/c I was not whole enough to be any better without him--if you know what I mean.IOW,I was so shattered inside that I needed to rebuild before my life would be better without him.
Now,I am at a better point . My insides are more whole.
I don't know what I will do with my marriage.My first goal is to rebuild my insides. Then,I will worry about my marriage(unless there is abuse, then I will call the police)
What good would it do me to go through all the trouble of a divorce if I were still in my own "prison".? That is how I see it, anyway. Also, Lord help me--I don't want to repeat. Love Ami
-
Dear Lighter,
I have to say s/thing to you. You have a really good point about a snake being a snake. Wow--- a snake is a snake.
I looked at my H and I SAW it . I looked at him and I didn't have to lie. It saw it.
I didn't have to protect myself, which was a big part of what I was doing.I was protecting myself b/c I could not face that I could be O.K. IF I saw the truth
S/thing clicked in to me, today. I had a stomach ache and I was hurting emotionally. I wrote a post to Alone. I told her that current pain can really be "old pain"
Then,I realized that my stomach ache was about abandoning myself when I was 14. The cure to my stomach ache(gut,core) was loving myself. I realized that I COULD love myself. Then,it went away.
Dorothy could always "go home"----Wow. Thanks ,Lighter--a lot.
Ami
-
I disagree with your theory, Ami.
Abuse, whether it's physical or emotional, verbal or jerking my children around to control or upset me/you/anyone....
is abuse.
You can draw your line at the physical stuff..... but that's just talk. That's not standing up and refusing to accept abuse, it's a reason to stay and accept it without having to say....
I, Ami, will accept lots of abuse, all kinds... but I draw the line at the physical stuff cause that makes me feel like I'm doing something."
What I see in that statement is that you won't stop any abuse AT ALL. You'll just call the cops to stop ONE FORM OF ABUSE and the rest gets a pass cause you're not done taking it. Don't you know you shouldn't?
At some point, you'll be done and you'll know when it arrives.
Until then, might I suggest you're getting financial docs together? A credit card in your own name..... use it and pay it off monthly to build your own credit up. Copy bank statements. Make a list of expenses and things you see him doing that might be interesting down the road..... like journaling his abusive statements..... maybe tape recording some, marking down what was said at what marker on the tape and dating it. Maybe even setting the date on the recorder, which aint easy.
When you're doing the above things for yourself.... you'll feel stronger, more capable of requiring better treatment, which you deserve.
It's odd that you put up with the abuse and don't see that it's unnacceptable in every way and absolutely should be something you DO NOT PUT UP WITH FOR ANOTHER MINUTE.
It get's easier to refuse that treatment..... if you're lining your ducks up and laying a good foundation, in case he refuses to treat you with disrespect or abuse.
You'll want to be prepared..... not confused, broke and at his mercy, right?
He'll have unlimited funds for an attorney and what will you have?
You should at least have credit to float on if you turn around he's cleaned out all the bank accounts and cancelled your credit cards..... had you removed from the house bc he made false statements about your hitting him!
Don't laugh at that bc I have a doctor's wife telling me her horror tales about that right now!
She get's what little money he wants to give to her and she can't take her children out for lunch she has so little money.
So...... line things up. You can't insist on better treatment if you have no resources and can't back up ultimatums, KWIM?
And..... I think your putting up with any abuse is crap.
You shouldn't have to sit unresponsive in your own home and take abuse for feeling voiceless and dysphoric cause your trapped.
DO something positive.... you don't have to deliver ultimatums NOW.
You can line up those ducks..... think about your lines in the sand.... the REAL ONES you'll enforce, come hell or high water and be prepared for it when you're core is ready.
Happy Thanksgiving, Ami.
See you when I get back from out of town: )
-
Lighter
You are right! You are right! This is so big for me to see that I can dance in any direction and he won't change. You are right. I have tp protect myself. I have seen horror stories and good stories,but there is nothing that an N likes more than a good fight--bleh.
Lighter-----I just woke up. Thank you Ami
-
Dear Ligher,
I am ready to go forward with the documentation and whatever it takes.Lighter-----thank you. I am really speechless with gratitude.
Ami
-
I got this from Lighter:
When the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving you will be ready to leave.
If you think that your children are going to be thankful to you because you stayed you are mistaken.
Are you afraid to comfront the world on your own? Do you alwyas have to have a bigger dog by your side?
I am sorry if I am making you feel bad. Those are my thoughts. I needed to get it out of my chest. I know that I am nobody to tell you when I have been abused all my life, begging for love, clinging to people, feeling rejected, thinking why my friend frowned, why did he move his finger, is he or she feeling uncomfrotable because of me, nobody likes me, and that is true, nobody likes me for X or Y or my personality and negativity like observer was saying, nobody likes me.
So, who am I to tell you that your children are going to resent you in the future becasue you did nit stand up for your self.
I submited my son to six years of abuse, my ex was abusive to him and I was there, I regreted not to leave early, but I was not ready, I have to be very very very badly mistreated to leave, dont have boundaries, did not know thwy existed. My son cried so much when we fought, and since my society said that children are better with father, rather than with out father, I was so wrong.
do not subject your children to the same i did with my son. Good that I left after six years, but he suffered for six years when he did not have to suffer at all.
OK I have the need to insult my self so I feel that I can tell you my thoughts. See? I am so f**ed up that I am afraid that you are going to get mad at me if I tell you what I think so I first have to say something bad about me.
YOu have a masters degree you can teach in a college you can apy your bills, you can make good moeny. You can be your own big dog.
Look who is talking. :( :?
-
Human nature is so constituted that it cannot honor a helpless man,although it can pity him.
And even this it cannot do long if signs of power do not arise.
I copied this from you.
This is why we are not respected. We do not show power. And they do not even pity us many times.
-
Since you have a two year old you must be young. You must not be a menopausic b*tch like me. We are so much alike though. EDD i guess.
-
Lupita----GO girl. Who said that you are weak???? Love Ami
PS I will get back later
-
Ami-
I just read this thread. I am sick with worry - if what you alluded to on the part of your husband is simply tension discord as they occassionally afflict any two people when they are in close quarters, then I know that you will deal with it properly and wisely. If however, you are experiencing fear and a lack of safety in your own home, that is an entirely different matter. All states recognize a Right to Habitation Defense- a basic right to defend one's home and safe haven. You need not give up this right for your husband, in fact he should be the most adamant about you being secure in your home.
As to money, etc- take a course in personal finance- don't announce it as an act of war, but only as a way to be an even better wife. Get a Sears Master Card in your own name (not just the store card) - pay it off evry month faithfully, avoiding finance charges. And study the laws of marriage and divorce in your state ( again don't announce this to your husband or to anyone who knows him, including Maria) Put aside some money every week, and amass a good chunk of cheddar- it will be a source of a war chest or some comfort just to know that it is there.
You are smart and Godly, and I know that you wil be able to see what is right to do, but remember to "Study to show thyself approved..." become informed and ready for anything , as much as possible. If your H is just cranky and unfair, then you might let him think about it, you can find a way to address it and he will see the error of his ways (he seems willing to take steps to do what is right, but only you know if this is so). However if he is making you unsafe in your home, then you deserve to do whatever it takes to become safe and secure.
Please know that I care about you very much, and know that only you and God can see what is best for you.
Love and Happy Thanksgiving From Your Friend,
Changing
-
Dear Lupita,
I want to thank you for your honesty. You were a little strong(lol),but I can take it b/c it came from a pure heart. You ,also, had a lot of wisdom. I appreciate very much your honesty with me.
I am too burnt out today to address your points,but I will take them to heart.
Thanks so much ,Lupita. Te Quiero Mucho Ami
((((((((((Lupita)))))))))))))
-
Dear Changing,
Thank you for your loving and informative post. I will put the information in my head when I have a little extra room(lol). Today,I have my fill. Tomorrow, I will assess all your wisdom and experience. Thanks for being such a wonderful friend. Love Ami
((((((((((((Changing))))))))))))))))