Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Overcomer on November 23, 2007, 10:08:11 PM
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I work retail. Today I worked and it was fun. We were busy. Got up super early and faced the mania to buy a Christmas tree (on sale......I have never shopped on Black Friday - only worked...........) Got to work at 7:30 worked until 2. My intention was to go over to the old house and organize everything. We are paying my daughter and her boyfriend to move the rest home tomorrow. Well, my back is kiiling me. I am getting too old for retail.....I didn't go organize...I just picked up the Christmas decor.
So I realized I am PMSing. I came home and walked in to the familiar smell of alcohol and stale cigarette smoke. My demeanor plummeted. I knew my H had been home all day while I was fighting the crowds and helping still more crowds.............drinking. Well, my PMS just got the best of me. My day was ruined. I hate him. He is an alcoholic. I know I will not hate him in a couple of days. I will just dislike him a lot. He asked me for a hug and not to push him away. I told him I would give him a hug because I am a nice person - not that I approved of his behavior. He said he has no family and he always drinks a lot more around the holidays. I don't care. He doesn't get any sympathy from me.
How many times can I tell him.....I HATE YOU WHEN YOU DRINK. YOUR PERSONALITY CHANGES WHEN YOU DRINK AND YOU BECOME A JERK. PLEASE STOP DRINKING. Do I have to kick him out? Do I have to file for divorce? It isn't that I want to leave him but I do not want to stay with him if he does not get help for his habitual drinking. Do I threaten to tell his parents? Do I threaten to tell MY parents? What to do......he doesn't seem to care.
And I am PMSins so what I really want to do is cry. But I cannot. I am in a fog. I feel tired and detached and I feel a sense of futility....
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(((Overcomer)))
My heart goes out to you. The problem is not so much your PMS the problem is HIS drinking.
Here is the chapter to the wives in the AA Big Book. I hope that this may provide you with some hope and insight:
http://www.recovery.org/aa/bigbook/ww/chapter_8.html
I will pray whole heartedly for you and your husband.
Love,
Lise
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Thanks. I was attending Al Anon.....of course, being from a dysfunctional family he was worried that someone might see me there and put two and two together. I attract alcoholics. And I am PMSing and it is by far much worse today than the same behavior was a week ago..
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((((((((((Kel)))))))))))
I'm so sorry. It's very painful to watch someone you love
destroy themselves and not even try...
love
Hops
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How many times do I have to say, "i don't like it when you drink." ? Obviously alcoholics will not do anything until we really do something!! I guess I have to practice tough love
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He is such an a@@hole. He just doesn't understand life in general. I was thinking about people who have an addiction. People who get caught up in them. Like people who are obsessed with porn. Or drug addicts. Or alcohol. Or even cigs....what makes someone addicted to the point that they have absolutely no control over themselves. I guess you could say I have a food addiction and the consequences are living in a chubby body and I guess if I let it continue to get out of control I may be an extemely obese person.....
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Kelly,
I just wanted to say hello, and I remember the sense of frustration and futility of being married to an alcoholic. I loved him beyond measure, but when he was drinking, it became close to hate. It is still so sad to me that he died right before he finally agreed to give alcohol treatment a try.
Has your husband ever been in treatment of any kind, or even acknowledged that he may have "a bit of trouble" with alcohol?
How's it going with your lap-band?
cats paw
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Do I threaten to tell his parents? Do I threaten to tell MY parents?
Addictions like all sins thrive in the dark. Exposure is no guarantee because often they continue even in the light but I don't think they ever are healed while concealed, are they?
mud
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Dear Kelly,
I am not saying "what " to do or not do,as far as practical things. I am just saying that he is "medicating"pain. It helps just to think of it that way. Maybe,Al Anon would help.It couldn't hurt.
You will meet people who understand the pain and frustration that you are expressing Love Ami
(((((((((((((Kelly)))))))))))))
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Here's the deal-I even called his ex a couple of years into our marriage to ask her if he had a problem-she said yes and talked about his rants-Which he still does. I asked her why he said he did not drink when I first net him and she said he had been roads for two months. All verbage that would indicate acknowledgement of a problem. He denies a problem-I am sick of all the people in my life who deny deny deny! Lap band is getting there-not a magic pill but the next fill should be right.
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I meant sober. Sometimes I think he will die. I have known him six years and he has not once been to the doc and he smokes and drinks. I have told my mom and my kids and I told him so. I also told him if anyone asks I will confirm his drunkenness-I will not cover for him. I call him Jeff and his alter ego Seth! I told him I hate Seth!
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Overcome.... I think it's pretty certain that Seth insn't going anywhere.... unless Jeff has some kind epiphany about you and the kids being more imporant than hanging on to his current coping mechanism..... booze.
He's not going to give it up until he has to.... and maybe not even then.
He may choose the booze if he gets an ultimatum.
One thing's for sure.... he'll keep talking, and making zero changes, as long as his talking keeps the status quo.
If he could do better.... he would do better. He's trapped in the same game of trying to change habits as the rest of us.
It's so hard.....
And he's compromised by the booze itself.
You're in a very tough spot (((Overcomer)))
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Yep and he doesn't even acknowledge that he has a problem. He says "what about you?" Ok, since I have known him I have probably been drunk twice and tipsy a few times. But that was in the beginning. I cannot tell you the last time I was even tipsy. One or two drinks and I am done.....finished. I have no desire to have my judgment altered. He is so predictable. A lot of projecting and rationalizing. Denying. I cannot believe the amount of people in the world that live lies. So many. And Cat? Nice to hear from you. Haven't seen your name for awhile........of course I have been distracted with moving, etc. So if you have been here all along.....sorry!!
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Overcomer, nothing is more important to an addict than the drug. Every single thing, no matter what, takes second place, including starving babies (recently in the news). Years ago I had a woman friend who was an alcoholic and I couldn't stand her alter ego when she drank. I know exactly what you mean about that. I know she will very likely die at an early age from alcoholism, just like her mother did. When I knew her I know she never even considered living life without alcohol, no matter what it cost her. Your husband might be like this Overcomer and there is utterly nothing you can do. A practicing alcoholic will just use you until they use you up in order to enable their drinking. Just living with him is enabling him. He will never change a wit unless there are consequences. Think of yourself first. As long as he is drinking he has absolutely ZERO to give and that will never change. You are living in hell and you don't have to.
Bill
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My first relationship, daughter's father, his drinking picked up to an awful pace after about 5 years. He was physically abusive then
I had seen other 'alcoholics' stop drinking and stay sober......maybe they weren't real A's but I left him.
I somehow sensed that this was his life....drinking.
I saw him a few times between leaving '66 and '72 then nothiing.
He committed suicide at age 47, in 1979.
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Well I do not know but he does not seem inclined to stop. I have seen it happen to so many people I know. Boy Iz-No wonder your D has issues. Mom disabled at a young age and dad dies at his own hand? That would seem like a lot to process at a young age! I am kind of embarrassed because I always pick men with addiction problems so I guess it is my own fault for not being more selective. But we net online and he SAID he did not drink-it happened right AFTER the honeymoon!
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After the honeymoon, huh?
Hmmmm.... and when you try to talk to him about his problem.... he turns it around to the few times you've had too much to drink. Typical and ain nuthin gonna change.... unless you're the one does the changing: /
So sorry and this surely brings to mind the saying....
"careful what you ask for little girl...... you just might get it."
Gotta be sooo careful about what we say YES to. ::nod::
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It IS frustrating! But what do you mean 'be careful what you ask for?' I never asked to be an alcoholic magnet! Wha!
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I know you didn't ask for the problems of marrying a man who drinks.... you thought you were asking for something else, no doubt.
It's just a reminder to everyone to be careful what we ask for.... we might just get it.
Sometimes we don't do enough homework, sometimes we're completely tricked.
Most of the time.... I think we ignore the red flags when they pop up.
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Yes and I think some of the things we think are endearing are the very things that grind at us later. When a man complains about how his former wife treated him-LISTEN! The very things he complained about are the things I cannot stand! He said that she thought he was too slow finishing things-he is! Then when I confronted him with it he said it was both us and I said NO THIS IS OBVIOUSLY YOUR PROBLEM AND YOU WILL NOT OWN IT! I just cannot stand people who will not own their own STUFF!
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You are right Leah. When your life is not normal you do not even realize it. I remember not even knowing the meaning of dysfunction. But after I identified the problems in my life I should be able to spot those see flags. But it takes a lot of learning by doing and making mistakes.
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Yes, I see, will delete my post.
My life story is so personal.
Love, Leah
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Oh you did not have to delete it-I understand your angst. To be able to come out of that kind of background and be where you are is quite an accomplishment!
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Thanks Kelly, but, not I alone, but through Jesus Christ my Lord and Saviour, as a new creation in Him. Love Leah
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Leah..... I wish you hadn't deleted your post: /
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I am sorry, Lighter
Perhaps, I am trying to write my story, at long last.
Tentatively.
Though, not sure why really.
Being honest.
Love, Leah
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I had a realization today. I even thanked God for my husband. He was telling me this morning quite early that he always did what his parents wanted. When his grandfather died his mother decided that they would no longer socialize with the family. They would have their own Christmases....etc. Well, my husband wanted to keep being with his father's extended family but was coerced by his parents to not go against their wishes. He pretty much severed ties with the extended family. He went to a minister for some counseling before I met him. He really was raised in an extreme dysfunctional family and lo and behold we got together (not uncommon...one dysfunctional person finds another.......) I am sure that is why he drinks and sleeps his weekends away. It is easier to escape then it is to face reality. His parents really do not love him, accept him, etc. Their little daughter (who is 40-severely alcoholic....doesn't work.....drama after drama....) is the center of attention in the family. His parents wanted us to take care of her. I refused to bring a raging alcoholic into our home (another one......) I guess I am the bad guy now because I refuse to be a part of his family drama. I am going to try to help him. Get over this family thing. Maybe we need to go to counseling...
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Leah... it always helps me to write my story down. Even if I don't share it...... writing it, reading it and writing it again.... helps me distill my feelings down to a pretty rational calm acceptance I can live with.
I'm so glad you shared your story with people who can relate and identify...... and they can share their stories too. I think it's an important part of the healing journey, often times.
If you feel like sharing..... then it's just time to share.... time to let the light in to the dark places you've kept locked away.
((((Leah)))) You're safe here.
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Oh Kelly,
That is such a HUGE revelation on your part.I am so happy for you.It is just the beginning of the 'climb" out ,but love heals and you tapped in to love.
Love Ami
((((((((Kelly, Husband)))))))))))))))
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tHANKS Am: My h is not one to watch tv evangelists. I tune in quite often to many of them just to hear what they have to say, etc. He was surfing and ran across Joel Osteen and it was exactly what he needed to hear. Joel is such a positive guy (almost too much for some people....but that is another topic....) But my h tends to be on the negative side. After years and years and years of being beaten down by his parents he always looks at the glass half empty!! So when Joel O. talked about positive things and my h heard him, it gave me hope!!!
My h didn't drink or smoke until he went to college. He was a very dutiful son. He did exactly what his parents wanted of him. But it was never enough. One time when he was a senior in high school he said to his mom, "It wouldn't matter if I was the President of the Universe, that would not be good enough for you." They didn't help pay for his college - only his poor little sister............SHE has a degree and doesn't work. He couldn't afford college on his own and scraped his way up without a degree. His parents say things like, "I guess it is ok to only be a draftman....." Or "you are not that bad looking of a guy...." Notice the glass half empty mentality???
So he lived with disapproving parents and treated me badly. Projected his hate and anger from his parents onto me and onto his ex wife as well. She had it and left him. She told me he was a raging drunk. He is. But when he is not drinking he is very nice.
I was watching a show on MTV called MADE. They get nerdy people and try to coach them in social skills, diet, dress, appearance so they will not be so nerdy. It is like I need to do this with my H. He really has no communication skills. He is stuck. Almost like his mom never let him talk so he never learned to be a normal, social person. He turned to drink, I think, but over the years what it did for him in a good way was lost and it turns him into a surly, mean person...
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What shifted your perspective on him? It sounds like you had a huge shift? Ami
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Noltice the title of the post - PMS and Sensitivity. When I am PMSing everything looks so bad. That is when you see me go on and on and on about everything. I still hate the fact that he is a raging drunk. He hasn't been drunk for a couple of days so I tend to "forget." It is when I just experienced his stupidness that I rant and rave and especially when I am PMSing. I just want to go through menopause.....I cannot stand this anymore. I have such bad cramps and mental stuff going on. I really wish I had those drugs from my surgery. My cramps are like childbirth. I have lots of clotting and it is just so uncomfortable. So I am irritable and in pain. I am 48 years old and my aunt didn't stop having periods until she was like 57 or 58......my mom had a hysterectomy about my age. In a way I wish I had that because I hate feeling this way......
I still want him to stop drinking. I think we need to go to counseling...
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The P M S is gone. The dark cloud has passed.