Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Ami on November 26, 2007, 09:09:08 AM
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I can't seem to write this. I can't even look at it myself .
It is my coming face to face with the layer inside me that is trying to kill me. I always knew that it was there,but I would never look at it-----head-on.
I would bargain with it;if I half killed myself ,would it leave me alone? That is how I ended up with a C section. I didn't eat well enough I was always bargaining to try to keep a little piece of life. I had a death wish.. Maybe,it is what the Bible calls the "Spirit of Death".It comes in when you"give up"like I did at 14.
It was an actual presence with a "familiarity.". As it was killing me,it was comforting me,too.
I still see people eating and I think,'How can they nourish themselves like that---so effortlessly?"
Then,I go in to 'tilt" b/c I know that my thinking is so "sick"
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That layer that many people probably have but do not acknowledge. The person who smokes four packs a day and denies they are committing slow suicide. The person who drinks and drinks and drinks and denies that someday it will kill them. The obese person who eats and eats and eats and has to be fork lifted out of their house....and then says, "I do not eat any more than anyone else does......."
That hate that I have for myself which swirls around my head......."I am fat and ugly......." Put there by my mom. "You are ugly on the inside and you are ugly on the outsie." "Fat. Fat." These are messages I got from my mom. Not inferred.....stated.
Ami: I am sure you are there. How could you love yourself when your own mom doesn't love you? Why nourish your body? Let it waste away!!!
Well, I am here to tell you that you DO deserve to nourish yourself. You are one of the most empathetic and sincere people on the board. You are trying desperately to work through your issues and I believe you are on the fast track. You ask the questions. You anguish over the stuff in your life.
But you are alive!! You are a wonderful person who is dealing with the aftermath of having a truly evil and sick N mother control your life. You can and are breaking free from her. You are feeling your wounds. You are healing your wounds. You are on the right path and we all love you here!!!
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I LOVE YOU, KELLY!
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(((((((((((((((((((((((AMI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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I think you're standing on the precipice..... and you either jump or continue doing what you've been doing.
You're at the edge and it sounds like the pain's unbearable.... it sounds like you want to escape it.
Escape.
That's human nature..... the avoidance of pain..... becoming confused when we don't want to know the truth is too.
Time to back off the precipice and embrace old coping strategies..... staying in your room, staying quiet in your home.....
or jump and try to fly, which is new and uncomfortable too.
Jumping feels wrong, I know.... but it's still a choice.
Through the fire, Ami.
WHen the pain of staying hurts worse than the pain of going......
Time to be a big girl, look at the big girl facts and start making big girl decisions about them.....
You have choices, that much is clear.
(((ami))) So sorry it has to be so hard, it just does.
Hint: Pretend you believe in yourself.... then pretend you're angry with anyone who tells you you're not worth believing in.
Pretend you believe you'll be happy to be alive again soon.
It does get easier.
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Dear Lighter,
Thanks so much for caring.It means a lot to me. When I put this topic up, I knew that it would be a hard one to talk about. Thanks for having the courage to respond . You have many good suggestions. Love Ami
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Ami,
When you hit a rough spot, it means you are about to make a big change. You need to face whatever this is, no matter how hard it hurts. Then you need to let it go, and move on to the new layer. The nice thing is, you should have a happy and calm time between. Ask God to help you face it and then remove it. It never hurts as much once it is revealed.
Love, Beth
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YVW, Ami.
You're still standing on the precipice.
What are you going to do?
You can back down, try to go around (not likely to work), jump or do nothing.
They're all choices before you.
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Dear Amber,
Thanks for the Mom lecture. I want to assure you that I am not going off the deep end(even though it may look that way). I am just expressing that deep layer within us that has been driving us toward destruction. I was unaware of it before(semi- aware) and now I have faced it.(Kelly understood what I meant)
I am taking a step toward health ,even though it "sounds'" scary,Amber.
I am facing the layer that we had to "throw away" so our M's would not see any "life"in us and hurt us. It is all the deep emotions: anger, passion, fear, joy,sadness . I guess that it is the animal side of us that Beth is talking about.. I had to kill it b/c these emotions would get me hurt. I had to be blank and wary of my surroundings. These emotions were a luxury.Survival mode was that I "agreed" with my M. I was the bad one--the awful one.I was the one who had all the bad feelings and thoughts thrust on me. I "ate" them ( so many eating metaphors---bleh)
This is the layer that I am facing. .I am doing better, not worse.
Love to You, Ami
((((((((((((((Amber)))))))))))))))
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But you are alive!! You are a wonderful person who is dealing with the aftermath of having a truly evil and sick N mother control your life. You can and are breaking free from her. You are feeling your wounds. You are healing your wounds. You are on the right path and we all love you here!!!
Ami,
You ARE a wonderful person. N mom's do such horrible damage to us, stealing our thoughts, emotions, self-esteem, twisting it all around, they still our life. Your suffering is real, every pain you feel and every thought you have is OK even if it is a damaging thought...this was the only way that you knew how to breathe. Slowly it is time to let some new air in. Slowly breathe in the air of acceptance that you are good and OK. Your voice on this board makes a difference, your valued my so many people and you don't have to be anything other than Ami. Part of what makes you so lovable is your love of truth and your ability to speak your truth about your genuine feelings. It takes huge courage to feel and huge courage to heal...your doing the work to grow or else it would not hurt so much.
Love,
Lise
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Wow! that was one of the best explanations I have heard. The ROLE is what I call phoneyness. It is that false self that takes away who and what you really are. It is the expectation of acting and behaving in a way that is contrary to who you really are! I love the analogy of the clothes on top of the paper doll-pasted on. I am going to remember this. It is so good!
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Dear Kelly, Beth, Amber, Lise and Lighter,
This is going to be really funny but I did not realize that I "expressed" myself in a dramatic way until a dear friend pointed it out to me. I thought,"WHY are people reacting so strongly?"
Then , my friend said that you sound like you are "jumping off a bridge.". The funniest thing of all was I I "consider " myself to be a "subdued" person.
I guess that it was like the talk show that I saw. An obviously angry guy was protesting how he never gets angry. Everybody started laughing.
I guess that my "real' voice is dramatic,but my "shut down " voice may not be. That may be why I was very surprised at the characterization of myself as "dramatic"
However, when I looked over all the threads, mine do "sick out" as "glaring(lol)
Well,I guess that the board is all about getting your true voice back with all it's aspects. Many of them have been squished down so long that we can't
even see them. However, a friend can.That is a big part of the board, too.
Thank you Amber for that validation. It truly touched me as a "warm fuzzy"
Thank you Kelly,I could feel your love.
Thanks Lighter from talking me down "from the rails"
Thank you Beth for seeing that there is peace after facing deep pain.
Thank you Lise for always being that" angel " . Thanks to my dear friend who PM'ed me. Love Ami
((((((((((((((Kelly, Beth,Lighter, Amber, Lise,)))))))))))))))))))
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(((((((Ami)))))))))
I understand what you're feeling, but although it might seem harsh, I love what Amber said. You aren't the things your M told you, and you are dealing with your feelings.
Stop the negative talk. Sit down and think about the positive things in your life. The things you do well and enjoy. Focus on that. Not on all the things that are wrong.
I hope that comes out positively and not negatively.
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After bringing to "light" these deep feelings, they seem like they have lost some of their power. Evil always multiplies in the darkness..
Once a pain is shared ,it is on it's way out(IME)
Thank you for allowing me to have a place to share and such loving voices to respond.
I am looking at how I had to wipe out the primal layer of my emotions and I can see that I really CAN get them back . I can see that they are human ,not "bad".(starting to see)
As Amber says, in the "Role" all emotions, feelings and needs were "bad"We had to be blank. We could not have any form of expression but "numb". Numb was safe and anything else was "dangerous". Selfishness was the "worst".
I am feeling that layer of selfishness. You know what? It won't kill me. It is a human survival drive,probably.I felt that "layer' yesterday.It felt really "new".I am sure that when I felt "selfish" before , I would get some other emotion to "cover' it over 'like depression. Depression was safe. Fear was safe. When I shrunk myself with my M, I was safe. What was NOT safe was confidence, a strong voice, vitality , joy, pride( the good kind),gusto, love of life, love of myself etc. All these were "having a big head'. They were "Who do you think you are?"
I hated "Who do you think you are " so badly.
So, I answered her with what she wanted. I am no one.Then like all of us--it stuck.
We are here trying to find our "special set of qualities"(our voice) that makes us unique. .Love Ami
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Dear Amber,
I love listening for your "authentic "voice.I don't know if you mean literal voice or just "means of expression. However, all our means of expression could come under the heading "voice".
I am feeling my inner "knower" coming back--inside me. My M( the 'Role") had that pushed down very far. .
Losing the connection to my "instincts" might have been the worst loss of all. I was really like an animal if the forest with no protection. I can "feel " them coming back in to place and with them vitality and the "will to live"
I am sorry if I express myself in a way that seems like I am on the "verge" of losing it. Actually ,it is the opposite and I am coming together.
Tayana, thank you for expressing your caring and love. I am easy to misunderstand,I learned today.
Love Ami
((((((((((((Amber, Tayana))))))))))
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I am sorry if I express myself in a way that seems like I am on the "verge" of losing it. Actually ,it is the opposite and I am coming together.
This is so true! Letting go of our old behaviors attitudes and emotions is hard painful work. We have to through to get out!
Hi Ami,
In the last 5 months of my healing journey I have encountered a few people who seem not to be able to cope or handle it when I am at my most intense or most sensitive place. Once someone told me that my emotional state was "too intense". This cut so deep and hurt, especially because I valued this persons opinion of me. Doesn't that sound like a replay of my childhood? My emotions and pain are too intense for her, Nmom, and she has to turn away or she contemptuously tells me to calm down or she tells me that all that I am experiencing is not really all that big of a deal. Her opinion is the one that I valued so it hurt double and creates feelings of shame in me.
I have found that the people who have told me, in round about ways, that I am "too intense" or it is "too much" for them have not gone into the emotional territory that I am in...therefore they can't comprehend despite how much they mean well and they care. They would help if they could but because they can't help they feel helpless which causes them to judge what makes them feel powerless and what scares them.
When we are hating ourselves it is so painful...excruciating. The negativity about myself in my head screams at me. What we need the most is for someone to reach to us in tender compassion and tell us WE ARE OK. Even if we are feeling big feelings and harsh negativity towards ourselves, we are still OK. There is no need to conform, we are here to let it out and trust that God will send compassionate people our way to support us at whatever stage we are in the healing process.
After 5 years of Freudian therapy, there was one thing that my T, Peter said to me that has most profoundly stayed with me. He said, "stay with those painful feelings." No one had ever given me the permission, in such a gentle way, to embrace my pain and instill in me the hope that this will pass.
Lise
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I am much more Crazy than my mom wants me to be. Loud. Laughter. Abrupt. I think I will settle down as time goes by but the pendulum always seems to swing to the other extreme before it equalizes. I love being me and not my moms clone!
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I think you're standing on the precipice..... and you either jump or continue doing what you've been doing.
You're at the edge and it sounds like the pain's unbearable.... it sounds like you want to escape it.
Escape.
Yesterday I went to confession. I confessed the anger in my heart and how hard it is for me to let go. I confessed the self abuse that I do by carrying anger and the subtle ways that anger enters my thoughts and then actions such as smoking a pack a day or not being constructive with my time, sloth. A lot of priests would send me away laughing at me because my sins are so small. They would tell me that I have scruples and that I need to just forget about it. Not the priest I spoke to yesterday. He was so kind.
I felt so comfortable crying in this priest presence because he was full of compassion and understanding. He also encouraged me by pointing out how few people are willing to embrace this kind of work in order to grow spiritually and have deeper more fullfilling relationships with God and others. He commended me for my willingness to work at healing.
The priest told me that I am on crossing over the threshhold into new territory, like the slaves of Egypt and the Exodus; it was a dry and painful journey, they did not know where they were going and yet they could not turn back. But God was leading them out of slavery. He confirmed for me what you Ami had once confirmed for me that God's work in me will not be left unfinished.
He also told me to surround myself with compassionate people. He acknowledged that I am uncapable of really giving myself the compassion that I need. You know how people will say in the most condescending way "please be good to yourself." As if we are capable of that. He seemed to know that it takes others compassion to help me get in touch with my compassion for myself. Well we are capable of loving ourselves but we need others to first mirror for us how precious and valuable we are. If we have never had that then it is going to be tough for us to love ourselves. But we are almost home.
I'm making progress and I soon I will post my own progress report!!!!
You are intensely lovable.
Lise
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He also told me to surround myself with compassionate people. He acknowledged that I am uncapable of really giving myself the compassion that I need. You know how people will say in the most condescending way "please be good to yourself." As if we are capable of that. He seemed to know that it takes others compassion to help me get in touch with my compassion for myself. Well we are capable of loving ourselves but we need others to first mirror for us how precious and valuable we are. If we have never had that then it is going to be tough for us to love ourselves. But we are almost home.
Dear Lise,
I feel a sense of "hopelessness" when s/one says "take care of yourself", also. I know that they are trying to give us TLC,but it feels depressing b/c I don't know HOW to. It just "highlights" it more.
If I knew how to take care of myself I would not be in this mess (lol)
I really can relate. Thanks for expressing it. That priest sounds very special. You are right about s/one needing to plumb their own emotional depths before they are comfortable with another person "going there".
This,also, happens with one person coming out of denial and the another not wanting to. The one that wants to stay in denial will shame the other one to "push " them back. Love Ami
((((((((((((Lise))))))))))))))))
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The one that wants to stay in denial will shame the other one to "push " them back.
Exactly!!
That is what in essence my the saintly N therapist did to me. She could not handle the depth of pain that was coming up for me because she is still in her denial about her own N mom and her own abusive childhood. She once told me that her mom was really cold but she never called her names or abused her like my mom did. (She was comparing herself to me and she seemed envious of even my pain or my ability to express it). Emotional depravity is abuse as far as I am concerned. You would think that she, being a therapist would have had the training and knowledge to heal herself before trying to heal others. She was so concerned with the degrees and prestige that she forgot to grow. Then I come along and I am all about honesty and integrity, emotions and healing. She did not know what to do with me and my pain was pushing, no doubt, her to have look at herself and that was the last thing that she wanted to do. Her image had been built and she was not about to expose herself to herself. I think that she was jealous that I was able to be so honest and open which takes courage and is a sign of a strong person.
The first step in healing is to look at ourselves and honestly admit how much we need help. N's find this very hard to do.
Lise ((((((AMI))))))
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I think you're standing on the precipice..... and you either jump or continue doing what you've been doing.
You're at the edge and it sounds like the pain's unbearable.... it sounds like you want to escape it.
Escape.
Yesterday I went to confession. I confessed the anger in my heart and how hard it is for me to let go. I confessed the self abuse that I do by carrying anger and the subtle ways that anger enters my thoughts and then actions such as smoking a pack a day or not being constructive with my time, sloth. A lot of priests would send me away laughing at me because my sins are so small. They would tell me that I have scruples and that I need to just forget about it. Not the priest I spoke to yesterday. He was so kind.
I felt so comfortable crying in this priest presence because he was full of compassion and understanding. He also encouraged me by pointing out how few people are willing to embrace this kind of work in order to grow spiritually and have deeper more fullfilling relationships with God and others. He commended me for my willingness to work at healing.
The priest told me that I am on crossing over the threshhold into new territory, like the slaves of Egypt and the Exodus; it was a dry and painful journey, they did not know where they were going and yet they could not turn back. But God was leading them out of slavery. He confirmed for me what you Ami had once confirmed for me that God's work in me will not be left unfinished.
He also told me to surround myself with compassionate people. He acknowledged that I am uncapable of really giving myself the compassion that I need. You know how people will say in the most condescending way "please be good to yourself." As if we are capable of that. He seemed to know that it takes others compassion to help me get in touch with my compassion for myself. Well we are capable of loving ourselves but we need others to first mirror for us how precious and valuable we are. If we have never had that then it is going to be tough for us to love ourselves. But we are almost home.
I'm making progress and I soon I will post my own progress report!!!!
You are intensely lovable.
Lise
Dear ((( Lise )))
The priest told me that I am on crossing over the threshhold into new territory, like the slaves of Egypt and the Exodus; it was a dry and painful journey, they did not know where they were going and yet they could not turn back. But God was leading them out of slavery.
And one day, soon, we need not look back.
Such is God's promise.
Love to you,
Leah
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Thanks Lighter from talking me down "from the rails"
Actually..... I was kinda hoping you'd jump..... :shock:
and so, learn to fly.
Figuretively, of course.
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pain or my ability to express it). Emotional depravity is abuse as far as I am concerned. You would think that she, being a therapist would have had the training and knowledge to heal herself before trying to heal others.
Dear Lise,
I could not let this go by.My M( an NPD) is a therapist in Boston. Love Ami
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Hi Ami-
It hurts to read this thread- Ami I hope that you haven't stopped eating. I have been busy and distracted- did something happen over the holiday weekend to upset you or open old wounds?Just please know that I care and that you are God's creature, your body is a temple, and the main purpose of your creation is praise!!!! We love you and need your presence in our lives, as do your other family and friends- there is only one Ami.
Love,
Changing
PS- If that Pig Parent voice starts squealing lies and casting aspersions at you, tell it the same thing King Juan Carlos told a babbling Chavez- "Why don't you just shut up!!!"
Love and Peace,
Changing
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This thread makes me feel good. I agree with Am-shining the light on these things exposes them and therefore takes the power out of them. It is like me telling my H that I will tell about his drunkenness-no secrets! To admit there is a problem is the first step in treating it. It reminds me of my friend who recently died of breast cancer. She never had a mammogram-Denying that it would ever happen to her-she got it and died. Denial will kill us-we must shine a light on the dysfunction!
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Thank you,Kelly, for saying that. I felt badly b/c I just got a PM from s/one worried about me.,I "vowed' to NOT express myself "strongly' like this again.
Kelly, you really "got ' my point . There IS that layer within us. It screams at us(all the old hated phrases). We push it down, drug it down, shop it down , eat it away, starve it away," prestige" it away etc. ALL these things drive us and drive us.
I 'touched" and "saw' that level ,yesteday,so it was a "strong' moment for me.
I expressed how it felt. My friend said that people thought that you were on the rail of the "bridge"
I dont' want to scare friends that way.I was so touched at people's expressions of caring.
Love Ami
(((((((((((((((Kelly))))))))))))))
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Dear Changing,
Pig Parent-----I like that. Thank you for your wisdom.I will do that. Love Ami
((((((((((((Changing))))))))))))))
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You learn to take care of yourself.... you don't just know it or do it or figure it out in a day.
You fake taking care of yourself until you get used to it and it becomes a habit and it's two steps forward, one step back.
You do one little thing, no matter how uncomfortable it is..... you pretend you're doing it for someone worthy but you do it for yourself.
You experience the wonderful warm glow that is by product of self care.
For me..... it feels like my Grandma's clean farm kitchen floor. Sacred and special.....
shining on you.
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Kelly, you really "got ' my point . There IS that layer within us. It screams at us(all the old hated phrases). We push it down, drug it down, shop it down , eat it away, starve it away," prestige" it away etc. ALL these things drive us and drive us.
Ami, I had to comment on this quote. I think I've said before that I dealt with my depression by shopping and spending money on things I didn't really need or want. I'd feel really bad, and I'd know there was a problem. I'd feel even worse for charging things and buying things, but I couldn't stop. I couldn't admit that the real problem was my living situation, although I knew it was, and I couldn't admit that I was suffering from more than just a little depression now and then. I was totally in denial. I was having a hard time admitting that those moments that I was having panicked feelings because I had so much stuff to do and couldn't get any of them done, were anxiety. I'd literally sit in a mess and not know where to start and feel anxious because not only was I telling myself that I was bad for allowing the mess to build up, but I had my mom telling me the same thing.
I had all these feelings of rage and pain and depression and anxiety built up and no way to express them, no way to deal with them at all. There came a point when I knew I needed help, but didn't know how I could get it, because my mother would be furious if she knew I was seeing a T. She doesn't believe in that. She would be even more appalled if she knew I was taking meds and seeing a psychiatrist.
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Hi Ami,
I care too.
I wasn't going to voice this, but since some others have expressed how they were concerned too, I will. Maybe it will be helpful in some way. I'm not afraid of your strong feelings, I realize that's not where my occasional resistance to them comes from. (Your feelings belong to you, nobody else.)
But I wondered, as I absorbed this thread and felt and thought and took it all in...I had a moment where I wanted to ask you, very simply and not as any kind of slam,
When you are in this depth and it's so intense you can't believe how much you hate yourself or how sad you feel, is there some way in which you are in love with the pain? I mean, savoring the levels of pain the way a person might savor some particularly amazing food? Are you almost ... loving the pain?
(I'm trying to say, is it possible that in your process you take it a step beyond healthy permission to feel and acceptance and "sitting with" the most toxic and painful emotions imaginable...to loving that pain, like you would love a lover?) Are you maybe feeling that the worst pain is your best friend? Do you yearn for more pain when you haven't been feeling any for a little while?
If any of that makes sense, good. If not, compost...
love
Hops
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Dear Hops,
I am going to be really honest.I think that I can.I know that you feel this way about me. I don't know "why',totally.I don't think that you do either.(consciously)
Let me throw out a few thoughts.
IMO, when s/one takes medicaton, they are 'muting' this very layer that I am talking about.
Then(IMO), a person feels threatened when they see another person 'having" these
feelings. Their feeling threatened can manifest in many ways. They can try to "shame' the person in to "shutting up'. They may simply disagree and offer the person ideas about medication or therapy.
In any event, when a person has "shut down' this layer in themselves, they are uncomfortable with seeing it's "rear' ugly head in others.
That is my opinion of what is going on. I hope that you will not take this as an "insult". There is room enough for many divergent viewpoints. Mine is just one and I could be wrong.
For me,I feel so much better today. That tells me that I am on the right track(for myself ,only) Ami
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However, when I looked over all the threads, mine do "sick out" as "glaring(lol)
Ami,
Here is a perspective -- when I get on line and click on this board, it comes up - I look for "AMI." I would feel so sad if I did not see a post by AMI....it would be like walking into a party and you don't know anyone.
There are others here that I am slowly getting to know and connect with too. In the mean time what brought me into this board and what connected you and I together was your honesty (your voice) in expressing your pain...your voice...even in hurt and pain was what spoke to me here. I was trying to make a connection and your posts were the ones that spoke to me the loudest...WHAT A GREAT VOICE YOU HAVE because it has made a huge difference for me.
Love,
Lise
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I would like to add that I do not care to get in to a discussion of the pro's and con's of medication,in general. I ,having made a million mistakes in my own life, have no place '"critiquing" anyone else for anything.
I simply see a path of healing that seems right to me and try to take it.
I am not making any judgements on anyone else's particular path to "wholeness"
My prayer is,"May We All Get There Together'. Love Ami
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Ami.... how many times can you walk to the edge of the cliff and feel the fear and pain like it's the first time, every time?
Some people are addicted to strong emotions and feelings.
That's they're comfort level... they get something out of it so they aren't going to give it up.
That's a choice too and I remember saying this to you many many months ago.
It wouldn't be wrong or bad it would just be a fact, if it was true.
I have no idea if it is but.... it does occur to me when I read your posts, at times.
As always, consider what you will and compost the rest.
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Gotcha
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Here is an interesting article I found about healing emotions:
Feelings are the magnetic feminine energy that determine which reality is attracted into physical manifestation. It is normal now that wounded feelings from the past are making themselves felt like earthquakes as the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end, brings forth heaven on earth.
Feelings are the water element, and cleanse by flowing, just like water. If wounded negative feelings are denied, blocked, suppressed, medicated, dissociated from, or acted out in a destructive way, they do not heal in a natural way. Denied feelings go into the subconscious and are stored in body tissue as tension. There they continue to magnetically attract physical realities that vibrate to their frequency. When negative feelings are acted out, harm is caused and more negative feelings result.
Therefore, acknowledge negative painful feelings with love and compassion just as you would acknowledge an upset or wounded child. As you acknowledge and accept negative feelings, they will naturally flow. Let them flow in your awareness in a nondestructive way. Feel your pain, your fear, your anger, your hopelessness. It is in feeling them deeply that they change and transform.
Cry in a pillow, or hit a pillow if you feel tears or anger come up. Find a place where you will be undisturbed, that is private. Use eye movement, which is explained below.
The two most important things to know about painful emotions is that the most powerful feelings are linked to the past, and, secondly, if painful feelings are allowed to flow freely, the memory of the original wounding event or trauma will be recalled to awareness. When the original wounding trauma is remembered, it can be healed permanently through remembering and feeling all emotions connected with it completely through.
Living and reliving an old painful memory not only allows the feelings to heal through flowing and releasing, but it also allows the mind to recall facts and details that were not noticed at the time of the original trauma. Additional insights change the perception of what happened and why.
As a painful memory is remembered over and over again and each time the feelings are allowed to be felt, changes of perception keep developing.
These changes of perception eventually become spontaneous healing images.
A memory is made up of only three things. They are feelings, mental pictures, and thoughts.
Deep new insights change feelings, thoughts, and mental images. These changed feelings, mental pictures and thoughts replace the original feelings, mental pictures and thoughts.
In this way, a memory is permanently changed forever.
Because feelings are the water element, they must flow in order to stay pure and healthy. If a feeling is resisted, bottled up, bypassed, denied, or disassociated from they go underground where they continue to work subconsciously.
Feelings must be felt in order to change them, in order to heal them. They can't be made to 'go away' through will or 'thought away' through reasoning, or medicated away etc.
One of the THE LAWS OF EMOTIONS IS:WHEN FEELINGS ARE FELT, THEY CHANGE.
When a feeling is negative, it must be felt through in a safe and non-destructive way. If a negative feeling is denied or acted out destructively, it cannot heal. A negative feeling can only heal by being felt through in a safe place without causing any harm to anyone or anything. Crying in a pillow, or hitting a pillow does not cause harm.
It is best to accept all feelings, both negative and positive, with an attitude of unconditional all encompassing love, because love is the most powerful transformative agent. Loving a negative feeling is like loving a frightened or angry child. Love creates the acceptance and safety for the healing to take place.
It is also good to use eye movement when feeling negative feelings, because it helps the feelings process quickly.
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Ami, I've also thought at times that you must be 'in love with pain 'because you pursue it so single-mindedly. You repeat the same feelings and issues many times in different ways, always trying out new and different angles on them, which may appear from the outside that you are just wallowing' in pain, but I know that you are just "chasing them down' so you can root them out and heal yourself. It's just your 'method.' You are very graphic, very real, you leave no stone unturned, you aren't afraid to look at anything that needs looking at and you never give up until you're satisfied. I love and treasure you for this, even though I find it painful. We all have our different paths to healing and the same path won't work for everybody.
Bill
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I liked the article excerpt Lise. Will you post a link? I'd like to read more if there is more. I wrote on here a while ago about an emotional flooding experience I had about 10 years ago. A catalyst (old (dysfunctional) flame) incident just started to melt down the glacier of dissociative numbness and all kinds of things unthawed. It was a wild ride.
Personally, I am very comfortable with the intensity approach and find it very helpful because I recognize it immediately so I feel really communicated with, even if I don't have time to reply. Also, in the past I journaled for years and it seemed to me much as it Ami described it - your focus on the emotion, fully explore it, take the time to feel and examine the aspects of it and your learn a lot from it. I learn a great deal from actually experiencing my emotions - they contain so much information. Also, I avoided so much for so long, and faked so much and tried to excuse and explain away so much and pretend that so much BS was actually true when it wasn't.....
For me - there's no way around but through. Let's get right down in there and blast out the grime.
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I think that I, ultimately,have to trust myself.
My problems all started when I gave up my internal "compass"
I have to do what feels right to me ,as far as healing. Isn't the board about finding your true voice?
Maybe, mine is a "high" note and s/one else's is a "low' note. Maybe ,mine is Yang and s/one else's is Yin.
I feel that I will go forward ,as I have been. I can always change direction at any given point . That is the beauty of it. Thanks for caring and commenting. Love Ami
(((((((((((((((Everyone)))))))))))))))))))
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Hi Ami-
You are so right! You have been given free will and a fine intelligence by your Creator- you know how to choose, and you ultimately reap the rewards! Glad you are having a great day!
Love,
Changing
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Thank you, Ami.
That was such a nondefensive and clear reply.
Hmmm. You all are really making me think.
I know that at times when my D would want to vent excruciating distress I would feel near panic.
So I bet that your deep mining of emotion is ringing some similar note in me, Ami.
Can't be that all these insightful people are not stumbling over some moments of resistance to your process and they're all wrong. That can't be.
So I'm going to reflect on this. All of it.
I guess the one thing I'd mention that jumped out at me from Lise's post is the thing about having compassion for yourself while you excavate and truly feel the pain. I think maybe that's missing for me, sometimes, in some of your posts. I am distressed by your self-hatred and want to fix it.
Hmmm. Well, (((((((((Ami)))))))))))) and ((((((((everyone)))))))...
love to you,
Hops
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Hi Iphi,
Here is the link:
http://www.healingcancernaturally.com/emotions-and-cancer-healing.html
Lise
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Dear Hops,
I am glad that you had that self awareness. From the beginning of my time on the board,we have had this same undercurrent with each other.
On the board,as in real life, we are often playing out our own drama's with other people as the "actors" in our own play.We all do it to others and others do it to us.
I am glad that you can look to yourself rather than to me and my issues. It is a good learning experience for me to trust myself and for you to face deep pains that you might be pushing away.
I appreciate the many,many times that you have been there for me ,Hops. Ami
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[
SIGH. Such is the struggle to get totally free of enmeshment. I'm going to have to go back and read what others have said about this, because I've decided that it's this particular n-trick that's keeping me afraid of commitment, sabotaging my intentions. It's like selling your soul to the devil. You really want something... and then be so close to achieving it... and then it's time to "pay up". Enmeshment promises the unconditional love... and then you have to "pay up", by losing yourself, sabotaging yourself... taking on the characteristics of the controlling other - who would cease to exist (in their mind) except for being the center of YOUR universe.
Dear Amber,
What you are saying is EXACTLY my point on my first post in this thread. It is about 'selling your soul to the devil". That was what I was describing . I was only" half killing "myself if "he" would let me have the other half.I was paying homage to him if he would let me have a "crumb" back. The very 'tricky" part of all this is that these old patterns have a feeling of comfortable familiarity. It is a feeling of falling on a bed in dark room with the blinds shut.It is a "coming home" ,in a bad way.
I made a "deal" with the devil that he could have my mind if I could have my body. Well, after he got my mind, he wanted my body, too.
Scott Peck talks about all these things in his books.
Ami
]
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Thanks, Ami.
hugs,
Hops
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Ami, I've also thought at times that you must be 'in love with pain 'because you pursue it so single-mindedly. You repeat the same feelings and issues many times in different ways, always trying out new and different angles on them, which may appear from the outside that you are just wallowing' in pain, but I know that you are just "chasing them down' so you can root them out and heal yourself. It's just your 'method.' You are very graphic, very real, you leave no stone unturned, you aren't afraid to look at anything that needs looking at and you never give up until you're satisfied. I love and treasure you for this, even though I find it painful. We all have our different paths to healing and the same path won't work for everybody. [/color][/sub]
Dear Bill,
This post was a tremendous gift to me .With grace, you showed me my own thinking processes. I don't want to wallow in pain. I am not "in love" with pain I know that my "authentic voice" is under all these lies.
My first big lie was that my M was "normal". Then ,the lies multiplied..It has not ended until now . Now, I can bring them to the light. Thank you, Bill, for offering me a" hand up." Love Ami
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You ARE a wonderful person. N mom's do such horrible damage to us, stealing our thoughts, emotions, self-esteem, twisting it all around, they still our life. Your suffering is real, every pain you feel and every thought you have is OK even if it is a damaging thought...this was the only way that you knew how to breathe. Slowly it is time to let some new air in. Slowly breathe in the air of acceptance that you are good and OK. Your voice on this board makes a difference, your valued my so many people and you don't have to be anything other than Ami. Part of what makes you so lovable is your love of truth and your ability to speak your truth about your genuine feelings. It takes huge courage to feel and huge courage to heal...your doing the work to grow or else it would not hurt so much.
Love,
Lise
Dear Lise,
Thank you for those kind words and all the TLC that you give me. Love Ami
((((((((((((Lise)))))))))))))))
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[quote author=Shunned link=topic=6209.msg100318#msg100318 date=1196100905]
OK, I'm relieved that you're not beating up on yourself for what (on second thought) you seem to be describing... what I call the ROLE you were scripted to play - to survive your mom. The ROLE has it's own set of "feelings" - it's own patterns of thought & behavior... and it's NOT US.
I really don't think YOU hate yourself - but the ROLE gets more than a little freaked out and can make us miserable, when we start to see through it's mind-games. It gets desperate. It gets terrified... because the only reason it ever existed in the first place, is because we had to "pretend" we WERE the role that got pasted on top of us (like paper doll clothes)...
The ROLE is what makes your body have illness symptoms when you start feeling too good about yourself. The ROLE can make you question whether you're a good, normal person... for having normal feelings. It's trying to protect you - it means well - but it's well-meaning intention is out of context, when you are OUT of the situation where you had no other means of protecting yourself. It's OBSOLETE. (and that freaks it out).
This 3rd-personlizing of the part of me that's the ROLE became necessary - because once I saw how it got stuck onto me; how I participated in allowing it to "stick"... I had to have a way to talk about "it" to differentiate it from ME. It's NOT me... it's how I was taught to feel, think and behave... it's NOT ME. Being able to SAY: it's not me, helped SOOOOOOO much, in feeling, thinking, being me - my true self. (Though that's still a work in progress.)
What might get you "over the hump" with this is some good ol' validation. I believe you're a warm, friendly, out-going, smart, intuitive, and NORMAL person Ami. I believe your instincts are excellent and I think you can trust yourself - though it will take some practice (don't I know it!!). I've read so many good things you're doing for yourself now. You've made a LOT of prorgress!! You've got a really funny (humourous) side, too - though you don't show it often yet. I believe you will soon.
I think you've done a tremendously good job of sorting yourself out, so far... and I believe you're farther along than you give yourself credit for! (that'd make you modest, too)
But, my "stop it" still works in this context because only YOU can tell the ROLE to take a flying leap (which is what I meant - it just didn't come across without the explanation)... that it's NOT YOU. The only thing we control in this life is ourselves. And only you know if this "fits" and if you're ready for that step.
[/quote][/sub]
Dear Amber,
Thanks for the "Mom" type of validation. We can sure use that--huh?
You are right about this "layer"being part of the "Role". The Role made us denude our feelings. So, we are left like a cat without it's claws. We need our claws. We need our self protective instincts..
Now, we have to fight our way back to being "whole" people.
Thanks for the validation and understanding that all this S##t is the "Role----bleh. Love Ami
((((((((((((Amber)))))))))))))))
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I liked the article excerpt Lise. Will you post a link? I'd like to read more if there is more. I wrote on here a while ago about an emotional flooding experience I had about 10 years ago. A catalyst (old (dysfunctional) flame) incident just started to melt down the glacier of dissociative numbness and all kinds of things unthawed. It was a wild ride.
Personally, I am very comfortable with the intensity approach and find it very helpful because I recognize it immediately so I feel really communicated with, even if I don't have time to reply. Also, in the past I journaled for years and it seemed to me much as it Ami described it - your focus on the emotion, fully explore it, take the time to feel and examine the aspects of it and your learn a lot from it. I learn a great deal from actually experiencing my emotions - they contain so much information. Also, I avoided so much for so long, and faked so much and tried to excuse and explain away so much and pretend that so much BS was actually true when it wasn't.....
For me - there's no way around but through. Let's get right down in there and blast out the grim[/color][/sub]e.
Dear Iphi,
I remember right when you came on the board.I thought, 'There is a soul sister." I remember when you told me about the origins of the name "Iphi" --- the D that was sacrificed(I think).
Thank you for understanding . Love Ami
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Hi Ami-
You are so right! You have been given free will and a fine intelligence by your Creator- you know how to choose, and you ultimately reap the rewards! Glad you are having a great day!
[/color][/sub]
Love,
Changing
Dear Changing,
Thank you for your friendship. You show me that there are no excuses for mediocrity. Love Ami
((((((((((Changing))))))))))))))