Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: tayana on November 28, 2007, 01:46:34 PM
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I need a little advice. My T asked me to consider some things I've never really considered before.
First of all, she told me to not even bother trying to reestablish contact with my mom. She said nothing good will ever come of it. My mom is incapable of being a mom. We talked a little about M and some of the "choices" I was often snubbed, scorned and denigrated for offering him, like giving him a say in his education. The T thought it was wonderful and very healthy that I had allowed him to have a say (and I've been worrying that I give him too much freedom), but my mom had told me that I shouldn't even bother because the decision was mine. So I have to decide if I want to try to establish limited contact and learn to be able to say, "I'm not going to discuss this with you." "It's none of your business" and similar things, or if I just want to let the whole thing go.
In my heart, I really want to just let the whole thing go, but I don't know that M is there.
The other thing she asked me to consider, that I've never really thought about before is trying to collect child support from M's father. We have limited contact, mostly emails and phone calls. He claims he wants to eventually be more involved in M's life, but until now he has been nothing more than a sperm donor. At one point, before I moved when I was just trying to get the moving plan together, he confided that he had been making 70K a year, but he'd squandered and managed his money poorly, ending up in debt. At the time he was making that kind of money and spending it on gaming, pizza, and pricey electronics, I was scraping by, barely able to pay my daycare at a job that had no benefits. And then I went to another job that had benefits, but paid less than 20k a year. I didn't really think about it at the time, but now that I'm not around my mother's nonsense, I'm starting to think about this situation more. Especially after he told me he'd like to be more involved in M's life. M doesn't want a father and is perfectly happy with our current arrangement. In fact, he told me he was going to start calling regularly, but he never has. I didn't really expect him to either. One thing about have an n parent. I learned never to set my expectations too high, or to count on anything happening until it happens.
Should I look into it? I'm not doing badly, finance wise, now. I have a good job. I don't have many debts. ANd I don't know that I want to get into the expense of trying to pursue this.
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Tay..... I'm going to agree with your T 100% regarding NC with your mother. You prolly already knew where I'd stand but..... there it is in black and white.
As for child support...... if any father deserves to contribute to his child's financial security.... it's some guy making 70K a year, blowing it all on games and pizza :shock:
I think it's a moral imperative that you require he contribute.
The fact he hasn't been held responsible, up to this point, should make you feel less guilty about asking him for help now, which is appropriate to ask for, btw.
I know you'll handle it just fine..... but there's my 2cents.
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Lighter, that is the choice I'm leaning towards. No contact. None. The thought of going to my parents' house, alone with M, makes those feelings of anxiety and fear come rushing back full force.
My father always told me I'd regret this choice, but I don't. Not one bit. I wish I'd done it sooner.
About the child support thing . . .
When I was pregnant, I didn't want anything from him. The social worker at the perinatal place I went to tried to get me to consider WIC and also trying to get child support. I turned down both. Some of that could have been that my mother was sitting in the room with me. I said I didn't want anything from him.
That was the young and foolish me. The 22 year old who'd been a bit stupid and didn't know better.
Eleven years later . . . after everything I've been through, it seems like the sperm donor now wants some sort of relationship with me and with M. I'm not keen on this, after I've had to field numerous questions. M was even teased mercilessly at his last school because he didn't have a father. Then when I talk to him and he tells me that he was making that sort of money, while I was scraping by and my mother was ruining my credit, really makes me mad. He was telling me a couple of weeks ago that he's paying over $1200 in rent, and would like to move into a house, but he has too many debts for that. He keeps throwing this money issue in my face. He told me that his girlfriend (who has 4 kids) had her tubes tied and doesn't want anymore kids, and that M might be his only progeny. He said that his girlfriend never knew her dad, even though he lived just twenty minutes away. She decided not to try to pursue a relationship with him, and he didn't want that for M.
While his words sound nice, and all, the sperm donor hasn't really offered me anything. He's offered to help me get a better job, a place to live, etc. But even when I said could you talk to your friend at the highway patrol, I'm interested in relocating, he never did. So, it's sort of like what I get with my mom. He promises me all these things and never follows through. I doubt he'd follow through on child support either.
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You can either go through the proper channels to get child support awarded.... something i know nothing about, orassume sperm donor will continue to give what he's been giving.
Nothing.
I'd do some research and figure it out, on acount'a you never know.
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Dear Tay,
I think that you should follow your heart with your M . I can hear that your heart wants NC.It seems clear from your posts.
I think that you want to get child support.I think that you should for M. As he gets older, you will have more expenses. There will probably be more things that he wants to do( sports etc).
That is what I" hear "you saying,as far as I can tell. Love Ami
((((((((((((((((Tayana))))))))))))))))))))
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Hi Tay,
You said:
So I have to decide if I want to try to establish limited contact and learn to be able to say, "I'm not going to discuss this with you." "It's none of your business" and similar things, or if I just want to let the whole thing go.
I went through a period where I had limited contact (at that time didn't realize what I was doing, I just didn't want to be around them) and it never worked. I've considered trying limited contact with my NM since I went NC - but every time the thought pops up, I ask myself why? Why would I want that? The answer is always the same - because I am hoping that this time it will be better - maybe I can finally get through to her. As soon as I realize this, the desire for limited contact goes away - as I re-realize that she will never change and all I am doing is setting myself up for more pain.
So I guess I am wondering what you would get from the limited contact with your mother. Is there any benefit at all - for you and M? And what would the price of that benefit be? (I am with the T on this one!)
As far as child support, I don't know the legalities, but since you are in a good financial situation I would consider the pros and cons of child support. You most likely can get it and might be able to get it retroactively for all the years he didn't pay. But, is there a potential cost to receiving child support? Will he have visitation rights and insist on them? Would he be a good person for M to be around, or would this cause him more pain? A sometimes there father - comes into his life and then leaves.
If you are pretty sure he would not insist on visitations then I would go after every cent you can. I would take that money and invest it for M - it could pay for college or help him when he is older. I don't see this as a revenge or greed type thing at all (not that you were suggesting that) - just IMO this is all about financial security for M.
Again though, I would consider the consequences (would this be opening a huge can of worms)?
Peace
BTW - really like your T!!
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Just a little experience, I let my ex get away with no child support for over ten years (2 girls) and then took minimal at the end. My youngest daughter very much resents that her father didn't contribute. I don't think it was the money issue so much as not acknowledging them. Though you do need to be prepared for the fact if he pays, he probably will come around more. I use to work for child support and the men seemed to think of it like a car payment. If I'm paying I should drive it, though $$ and visitation are two different things. This may be totally different from your situation, just wanted to share. GOod luck.
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hiya tay :) I like your T too.
He promises me all these things and never follows through. I doubt he'd follow through on child support either.
Part of my job for a large corporation is to receive garnishment related documents from county agencies and supply the agencies with the information they need to garnish employee paychecks for child support payments. Nothing voluntary about it. If he doesn't have the follow through, the Court and the agency do.
You could put the money straight into a 529 education investment/savings plan for M's college, which may also give you a state tax deduction (maybe, depending on your state and the 529 you choose).
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Iphi.... you rock, lol.
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Tay,
Money sounds good.
Older I get more I realize it's damn important.
Would make this life much gentler than it is.
That aside, only one thing I think is critical to know, and your wise T could help you think it through:
What kind of person is he?
I gather he's immature.
But I mean, does that mean he's so selfish he'd hurt a child, as in, make appointments to take him to a ball game and then just not turn up? Or is it just lack of enough life experience to grow him up?
What were his own parents like? Does he like and enjoy his parents, rather than just love them?
Would they become grandparents to M? Do you know them? What sort of people are they?
(If good folks, might be a nice time for M to discover someone else wants to love him. If they do.)
Is there a buried-father in him, who really wants to know and love his boy?
Is he mature enough to do his homework on mild A-spectrum disorders and work with M sensitively?
Is there a chance he'll appear then disappear, breaking M's heart?
Does he have a sense of humor?
Does he want M because he legitimately wants to know his son? He might?
Or is it a badge, just about gender?
Can you be friends with him, setting aside the past, and work cooperatively for M's good?
That's all... :?
All worth working out the answer to, imo.
Seems to me if there's a chance of a good-enough Dad, would do M good.
If he's a bad apple, rotten selfish, not worth it.
Just human, might be a good thing?
But important to know.
To figure out with T's help what your deep inner answer is to these questions, and respect it.
love,
Hops
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To figure out with T's help what your deep inner answer is to these questions, and respect it.
Appreciate and respect those words of wisdom, Hops
Sincerely
Love,
Leah
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Sorry, I haven't had a chance to respond to anyone. Yesterday was a crazy day. I had quite the adventure last night too.
FP, the only benefit of limited contact would be that I'd get to see my dad. I'm actually fine with never speaking to my mom again, but M still wants to see her. I had considered visiting this weekend, after she'd had all off her biopsies and such, but I've changed my mind. I don't want to go out there alone, and I don't feel ready to see either of them. My T put it this way: Why do I want to go there where I'm going to be snubbed and ridiculed? Why would I do that unless I'm hoping things are going to change, even though I know they won't? That's the question she asked me. Then she told me that that part of my life was over, and there was no going back. When I said that my mom has gotten worse as she's gotten older, she said that people who are emotionally sick do get worse with age, those that aren't quite as sick sometimes get better. We came back to this idea several times in the session. Why do I want to reestablish contact when I'm not going to gain anything from it? It's that a part of me still hopes that I'll be able to have a real relationship with her, even though the rational part of me realizes that it's never going to happen.
Onto the other issue . . .
FP, I've considered the very thing you suggested. That sperm donor would demand visitation, and possible a custody hearing could ensue. I wouldn't put M through that. I'm not in the position where I can't live on my own. I have money in the bank, a good salary, and although I can't live extravagantly, we can certainly afford a little fun now and then. I don't NEED the money, and even if I got it, I'd be just as likely to save it for M and not use it.
I'm afraid sperm donor will continue to be exactly what he has been: a sperm donor. He talks a lot, but he's still not mature and in my opinion not really serious about this. Hops brought up some excellent questions.
What kind of person is he?
I gather he's immature.
But I mean, does that mean he's so selfish he'd hurt a child, as in, make appointments to take him to a ball game and then just not turn up? Or is it just lack of enough life experience to grow him up?
What were his own parents like? Does he like and enjoy his parents, rather than just love them?
Would they become grandparents to M? Do you know them? What sort of people are they?
(If good folks, might be a nice time for M to discover someone else wants to love him. If they do.)
Is there a buried-father in him, who really wants to know and love his boy?
Is he mature enough to do his homework on mild A-spectrum disorders and work with M sensitively?
Is there a chance he'll appear then disappear, breaking M's heart?
Does he have a sense of humor?
Does he want M because he legitimately wants to know his son? He might?
Or is it a badge, just about gender?
Can you be friends with him, setting aside the past, and work cooperatively for M's good?
What kind of person is he? I have to say, I don't really know. Aside from a few emails and two phone calls, I haven't interacted with over the last ten years. He's a preacher's son, but he's strayed from his faith. Most of what I know about him is what I remember from when we first met. I know nothing about his family or parents. I've never met them.
He has done some reading about mild a-spectrum disorders, but he thinks they are all bunk. He think's M's issues are from living with my parents. While I don't think that living situation has helped, he's not living with a kid who has panic attacks over the weirdest things, needs constant reinforcement to get things done, and is at least two years behind maturity wise. M's smart, but his social skills are severely lacking. Sperm Donor is afraid that his "difference" has been used to victimize him, and while my mom did do that to an extent, I don't. I treat him just as if he were "normal," the only difference is that we might have to find some creative solutions for things. We have to be very creative sometimes.
He seems to be reacting out of guilt, not so much because he has a child and wants to know him. It's more like he's realized he might not have any other children, and now he wants to claim the one he didn't want.
I don't know that I could be friends with him, honestly. I don't trust easily or very well, and I have serious issues with this. I don't trust him. So anytime he tells me anything or promises me something, I say fine, but in my heart I'm saying, "I'll believe it when I see it."
Here is an excerpt from some of his emails to give an idea of some of his ideas:
As to the topic of gay/lesbian families, I don't have much to offer that
discussion. That is, to say, I've never actually felt the need to form an
opinion on it. My boss is a lesbian. Many of her friends are gay. I have had
a few gay and lesbian friends over the years. While I've come to the
conclusion that most people (gay/straight/in denial) make lousy parents and
worse marriages, I can't see why sexual orientation would disqualify someone
from being a good parent or role-model.
If you want help finding a place to live or work, let me know. I will help.
If you look as close as St. Louis, I might even be able to do more. If you
get into a jam while trying to execute your plan, call me before you do
anything drastic... like not going through with it.
You really have to try and dump the self-pity talk. I'm not saying you
aren't entitled to pity in this situation (believe me, it's a shitty deal
with your mom), but I'm thinking of your mental health here. You have to
keep focusing on moving forward. Always taking another step.
Whether you take baby steps or giant steps, you're moving toward your goal.
Don't let anything stop you from pushing on.
Okay, okay, I'll can the motivational speech. I just hate to hear you using
all this self-deprecating language. It really makes it sound like you want
to give up. Even if that's not true... it's like telling a skinny person
that they're fat. Enough times and they'll be re-examining themselves in the
mirror.
His emails sometimes really hack me off. My T only asked me to consider the idea of pursuing child support, and perhaps giving my attorney a call to ask what I'd have to do. Iphi, I do like your idea.
FP, Iphi, I like my T too. She's really great.
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Dear Tay,
Maybe I am not "all there",but I really like him from his e mail. He sounds sensitive and sweet. I was expecting' Tarzan",with two words(lol) from how you were describing him.
He sounds like he really cares and he could be a friend to you and M.
Maybe,I am wrong.If so, compost what does not fit. Love Ami
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For what it's worth, Tay...
he sounds like a decent person to me too.
A friend. Or at least not an enemy.
Might share those with your T?
hugs,
Hops
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Hops, I want to believe he's a decent person. I just can't seem to do it.
I seem to have this deep seated problem where I tell people I believe what they say, but deep down I really don't, not until they actually follow through.
Example:
My brother says, "I'll call you tomorrow and let you know." I say okay, but I don't think he will call. Sometimes he will, sometimes he won't. I never expect a call though, not until my phone actually rings.
Or Sperm Donor has said, "I'll call you on X day." And he doesn't. Which just confirms what I already think, that he isn't going to call so why bother?
I don't know how to get past that. I want to believe in the basic decency of people, but when it gets right down to it, the only person I really trust is myself.
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As far as contact with your dad, can you call him up to meet him for lunch. Could you be very honest and tell him that you would like to see him and that you miss him, but that you can’t have your mother in your life? Or is he so enmeshed that this would never work? While my father was alive, it was very clear to me that my mother was so enmeshed that if forced to make a decision like this she would have chosen him, at any cost. I would caution though, only do this if you are prepared to handle the pain it would cause if he chooses not to see you because of your mother. I suspect he may be too enmeshed.
You said that M still wants to see her. I know this is hard. I don’t want to drag my kids into my problems with my mother. She does treat them differently than she treats me, to some extent. But, after what she has done to me, I don’t trust her to have my children’s welfare as a top priority over her own selfish needs and melodramas. I have had to make the choice for my kids. I pray that they don’t hate me for this someday, but it is a risk I cannot take.
You wrote about M’s father:
He has done some reading about mild a-spectrum disorders, but he thinks they are all bunk.
This jumped out at me as a very pink flag. They are not bunk. Even with mild a-spectrum disorders, the brain processes information differently. Before I would let him near M, I would make sure he understands this very clearly. I have a relative age 7, with PDD (mild autism). He sees the world differently than most kids, and interacting with him requires that I adapt to how his brain works. I cannot expect him to meet me where my brain works. (This is true for all kids IMO.)
The only other concern I would have is why hasn’t he attempted to be a part of M’s life. The grandparent’s as well. Maybe you can meet with him and his family (a number of times) without M there and then make a decision. It would be wonderful for both you and M to have someone to rely on. And it could enrich M’s life. Again though I hate the thought of putting M through any upheaval if it doesn't work out.
Peace
PS - I just read your post, you said: I want to believe in the basic decency of people, but when it gets right down to it, the only person I really trust is myself. I was this way too for a very long time. I believe it comes from never having anyone to rely on as a child. I think the only way to get past it is to take a risk. But, make it an educated risk - learn everything you can about this person before you trust him with you or M. Given that a child is involved, I would go so far as to have a background check performed (see how suspicious I am :wink: )
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Peace,
I think my dad is too enmeshed for anything like just meeting him for lunch without my mom to work. One, I can't even call him because he's always with my mom. And since my mom is now ill again, I think he's all into taking care of her. My mom does treat M somewhat differently than she treats me. However, I've noticed that she has gotten more critical of M as he's gotten older. What little I remember of my childhood was also like this. She was decent when I was young, but then when I was a little older than M and just starting puberty she told me I wasn't her little girl anymore, and things went downhill fast. Maybe it's because I was a girl. I'm not sure.
Sperm Donor's beliefs about AS disorders was a bit of a flag for me too. I will admit that M's symptoms present more like ADHD than AS, but I don't think it's bunk. I don't think all of the problems can be traced back to my mom's influence either. I also am a little put off by him wanting to be a part of M's life now, and the rather flimsy excuses he's given for not doing so sooner. We have discussed meeting, and he is at least compassionate about my concerns. he's willing to do what I'm comfortable with and no more. I dislike putting M through more upheaval than I just have to though.
FP, I'll take a risk eventually. I do learn to trust eventually, but it takes a long time. When I first started this job, my supervisor made a comment that I needed to trust her. I thought, not on your life. I couldn't explain to her though that I just don't trust people and prefer to rely on myself.
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That's the thing about teh sperm donor...... having him in M's life and worrying about what that might look like.
You could drive yourself nuts with "what if's" ya know?
I still think he should be paying child support.
It's OK for you to ask and appropriate for M to be awarded that.
He's entitled to that support so don't feel bad about asking for it.
ps I might do some homework before talking to Sperm Donor about it. His address, place of work, other information he won't be forthcoming with once he realizes you're asking for cs.
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I think a background check is a brilliant idea, Peace.
Tay, hope you'll do that. Since you don't know him well and we all know how life can be, perhaps that would go a long way toward sorting out which fears of him are rational and which are old stuff that might unecessarily prevent M from knowing his father?
My D knows what a self-absorbed jerk her father was most of the time. But now that he's gone, she still cries for him...at 27. It does leave such a void for a kid.
That said, the background check would allow a more objective assessment of whether he might need to be kept out of M's life, or let in.
Plus, I think even if he came out smelling like a gardenia you'd still be wise to insist that he visit a child psychologist with you with the sole purpose of having the psych explain to him what the reality of M's diagnosis is, until he appears to take it seriously (not grimly, that's different)...BEFORE he gets involved with M. (M wouldn't even need to know about the appts.)
I'm glad you shared about the trust thing, Tay.
love to you,
Hops
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Wow tayana
I thought, not on your life. I couldn't explain to her though that I just don't trust people and prefer to rely on myself.
I could have written this.
I am the same way. When a promise is being made, I am accepting it until it gets somewhere into me, or a certain amount of time goes by, the I don't beleive it will happen at all.
Then the same person, promise, repeat....................
My grandson who lives with his N father is learning the N ways unfortunately. He telephoned me a few months back, asking how to reach my brother, his great uncle and then he told me about THE BOOK of his near-fatal adventure was out in stores. He said he would have one autographed by the writer and send it to me, and I was thrilled about that.
I was off the phone about 2 seconds and said, "I'll never get that book", so went online and ordered my own.
Oh Boy! do I know what you mean! and have heard nothing since from my grandson.
Love
Izzy
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Thanks so much for the advice. I really appreciate it.
Hops, I think a background check is an excellent idea. I will have to do that. I also think that having him visit a child psychologist is a great idea, because he doesn't really understand the reality. He doesn't understand what living with it, 24/7 is like, or how hard some things are for M. He thinks it's something that being away from my mom an in a better environment will fix. The truth is, that might fix some, but not everything.
Izzy, I have done that very same thing. People will promise me things, and I'll just go do it myself. If I don't, I'll never get what they promised. That's the sort of thing I don't do well at all. I can believe that most people are good, but I can't trust that they'll do what they say they will.
Bean, that's very interesting. I know nothing about investing money. My parents were such poor money managers, that all I learned was that if you had money you should spend it. I want to learn more, but I don't even know where to start. I have a savings account, and some retirement accounts, but I don't know what I'm doing really. I've been going to call my account manager and try to consolidate two accounts, but I haven't done that yet. Pretty silly huh? I understand what your saying. I wonder if sperm donor would be willing do something like that, just put money into an investment account. Then he knows that I'm not using for myself, that it's definitely going to M. Maybe I'll ask . . .
Or would asking be too much?
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I wonder if sperm donor would be willing do something like that, just put money into an investment account. Then he knows that I'm not using for myself, that it's definitely going to M. Maybe I'll ask . . .
Or would asking be too much?
HECK no, that's not too much!
It's just right!
Plus, it gives M's father an opportunity to clean up unfinished business and be more integrated with the fact that he IS a father, whether he's participated in the past or not. I think it is a gift to him as well, not a one-way street.
I love the idea of the education fund.
love,
Hops
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Hey Bean, thanks for the information! I'll look over those links, and maybe finally call the account manager in charge of my retirement account. I do have one.
Hops, I haven't asked yet. I'm still working up the nerve.
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Personal finance and individual investing is my passion! I know a lot about the basics because I always read about them (the basics - nothing fancy or elaborate - what average people need to know). It's hard for me to describe the satisfaction it gives me, but it makes me feel really good, competent, practical, happy, industrious, empowered - to learn and manage my own money after being so controlled growing up. It's the passion of making your own freedom and running your own life - it just feels good. Also there is satisfaction in knowing you are doing something that is so different than your FOO could understand. It's truly new.
Also I can recommend good books that are not written in financialese and will make a reader feel good and empowered, not overwhelmed and guilty.
Eric Tyson's Personal Finance for Dummies is probably the best book out there I think. He is 100% committed to educating and helping people on this topic. I recommend anything by him - he also has books on investing, specifically.
Smart Women Finish Rich by David Bach is also a good one and he has one idea that is so easy and brilliant - it's great - automatic withdrawal so you don't miss it and don't have to budget it. I can't make a budget to save my life, but thank goodness I don't have to.
I would put links in here, but I think it would be cool to click through Dr. Grossman's Amazon links so that if anyone buys the above books it will be to Dr. G's benefit.
Then after that there are a lot of ways to go depending if frugality becomes a passion, or individual stock investing or other essentially lifestyle choices.
I think it is important to read a couple of basics books, such as the ones above, before you commit to working with brokers though. And I read - lots and lots of books on this topic and I have eliminated all the ones that give unsound advice. The above 2 pass all my tests for integrity and honesty toward beginners. A lot of books can be good in part but then give bad advice in part. Since I have a passion about this, I get passionate about poor advice and about separating the best out from all the rest.
I think this is really an important topic in general, but also for ACONs who have trouble doing things for themselves and taking care of themselves. I think managing personal finances is a very tangible way to practice self-care and care of our loved ones (such as by regularly contributing to education funds for kids).
Umm okay will get off the soapbox.
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Iphi,
Thanks so much for the advice and book recommendations. I'll have to see if my library has them. I LOVE the library. I would just buy them, but money's a little tight right now.
My first and foremost goal is to get rid of my remaining credit card debt. I've gotten a little careless, and I have been charging too much, despite my promise to myself to pay for things with cash. So, I've gotten a new philosophy for my credit cards. I'm going to treat them exactly like my debit card. I'll set a spending limit, and when it's gone, then I can't charge anything else. I read about this concept on a financial blog, and I really like it.
I can't make a budget to save my life. Or I can make it, but I have a hard time sticking with it. I even tried to track all of my expenses for a while, but it was so time consuming that I stopped.
I am learning, through trial and error, to manage my personal finances better. I think a lot of ACONs have problems with this because we had such poor examples growing up. Or else no one ever bothered to teach us. My parents certainly never talked to me about money, other than how little of it we had, how much things cost, or how high the bills were.
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I love the library too - see tayana you are already a natural at saving money by using the library ;D
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Since a lot of them are baby boomers, that means they're going to have to rely on social security or relatives...or who knows? Can you imagine the anxiety? I have enough problems with anxiety without creating new reasons to be anxious.
Bean, you've hit the nail on the head. I don't want to worry about money all the time. I don't want to have all of these bills and wonder how I'm going to pay them, or which one I can pay late and not have something shut off. I don't want to have a bunch of credit card balances I can't pay. I don't want to have mountains of debt. I want to be able to have some financial security in my future, not end up being 60 years old with $5000 in the bank and never being able to retire. That's the position my dad is in. He has a stash of emergency money, but my mom has a nasty habit of stealing from it. He's almost 70, and he's still working full time at his construction job because he needs the money and he needs the insurance. I don't want to live like that.
I have always had problems with anxiety, and I don't want to reasons to have more issues.
I'm participating in a challenge for 2008 with my friend where we are going to budget for major purchases we need/want to make. I have to think about what I want to do, but the goal is to be debt free at the end of the year and have money in savings. I finally got my raise at work, so I'm going to take the extra money I'm earning (if it doesn't end up going to Uncle Sam) and put it in savings. I just need to do something with my savings so that it's working for me.
Sorry, I could go on about this for a while.
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Hey tayana I encourage you to go ahead and post as much as you feel like on this subject. It's so important.
And why am I not surprised that your mom steals from the emergency fund? Oh. My. God!
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So glad this came up. If y'all will indulge me, I'm going to start a Money thread.
thanks, Tay, Iphi, all-s y'all...
xo
Hops
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Hops, you beat me to the idea.
Iphi, she's been doing that as long as I remember. She tries to be careful and replace the money so my dad won't notice. It hasn't been that long since I've seen her take some. She never takes much, maybe $50, but still . . . it's the idea.
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Amber, I haven't talked to Sperm Donor for almost a month. Wow, time does fly. I'm considering asking him about this, just to see what he's willing to do. If he's really looking to be a "dad" or he's just wanting to soothe his guilt. If it's the latter, I think contributing to his child college education should be sufficient.
I don't know how he'd feel about it. He tells me he doesn't have any money and is drowning in debt. Hmm, maybe he should join the challenge my friend and I are doing.
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Hey Tay.
Maybe you could venture some research.... before asking sperm donor about money?
What are the laws on child support in your State?
If you have some idea what you'll get.... you can discuss it with him and know what's fair and considered appropriate, right there then and there, WOLF.
That he contribute's a given.
Not even your choice really.....
It;s not like you're asking for something for yourself, KWIM?
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Tay,
YES, remain NC with NM.
ABSOLUTELY make the sprem donor help out. And I don't believe he will ever be part of M's life. He doesn't sound like much of a man (I am sorry - don't want to hurt your feelings, but do you think he would be a good example for M??). However, he contributed to bringing M into the world, and he should help support him.
Love, Beth
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Beth,
I have remained NC with my mom. I'm still trying to find out what is going on for Christmas. I just finished decorating my house today, as much as I'm going to do. Oh, I forgot, M wants me to hang lights in his window. I still have to do that. I'm not really looking forward to it.
As for sperm donor, I don't think he's going to be involved in M's life much. My gut tells me he's making overtures to make himself feel better. Like if he offers to be a part of M's life, then it makes up for all the time I never heard from him. I used to dream he'd come rescue me, actually. I even wrote him several letters when I was pregnant. I never heard a word. I "deserved better" he said.
I am reluctant to get him involved with anything more than an occasional update about our lives. Maybe not even that. I often get the sense that he's critical and unapproving when I've talked to him. I don't need any more of that.
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Tayana-
How very far you have come-you have really made a home, and M feels it too (wants to put up lights in his room, etc) (((((TAYANA))))) Tay you know that I love and appreciate you, and I just have to say that these folks who don't even do the basic decent and legal minimum (NM who does ID theft and undermines instead of supports, Sperm Donor who gives no financial to support Our Tay and M) have no place to criticize you in anything whatsoever! Both of them should be clapped in irons (and would be in the old days)-Sperm Donor owes M financial support, perhaps throughout life! As to his opinions, he can note them on the lower right hand corner of his checks! You are sorting things out now, and I know that you are going on to the next level soon!
Love and Happy Holidays to You and M,
Changing
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Changing:
This is brilliant....
"as for his opinions....he can note those on the bottom corner of his checks...."
::nod::
NOT what I was thinking....
but how I hope it goes.
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((((((((((((((((Tay)))))))))))
I just can't believe how much you have grown. I am in awe of you.
Love, Beth
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What changing says is absolutely true! Hear hear!!
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Thanks everyone. I'm not sure how much I've grown, per se, but I don't have panic attacks anymore. I think that's the medicine though.
Or maybe it's No Contact.
I was just thinking earlier that M hasn't had a meltdown since going No Contact. We haven't been without a few battles of wills, but no major meltdowns.
Changing, I like that idea, noting his opinions on the checks. I still haven't made up my mind about that. I'm worried that could get messy, and I don't want that.
Beth, in awe of me? Nah. I haven't done anything special. Just what I had to do.