Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Ami on December 05, 2007, 11:03:56 AM
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Last night, I had a wonderful thing happen. I felt a "click" It was like a "chain "that had been disconnected "hooked-up" again and I could SEE.
That animal" layer(instincts) is REALLY O.K. to embrace. That was my problem. I could not face it in myself OR others. It had too much "vitality" for me and I was afraid.That must have been why my M shut me down., She was afraid. That is what happens when people "push you back". They are afraid to see or feel what it brings up in them. We all have done it and all had it done to us.
i see my Mimi, my dog.. She has so much vitality. Why is it WRONG to have vitality like that and to "feel" life. What is dangerous about it?
Somehow, we THOUGHT it was dangerous. I guess that it is like a car.It is powerful, but you have to know how to "drive"it. That is the key--how to drive it. If you drive it right--it will be O.K. If you don't --you crash. You can't push it down or you can't let it rage. You have to find the proper spot for it and put it there-willfully.
That is the answer that I was so blessed with last night. I got the answer to "Is it all right to have N feelings and let them just go by?"Yes, as long as you channel them right. It is so simple when you see it,but so troublesome when you don't
Now, I can see different layers. There are "values". They keep you(and others) safe. There are the emotions. they just 'are". There are the "ugly" emotions. They just 'are" too. They are human. There is the "animal " layer. It is the "deer in the forest.It just 'feels". It is NOT bad to feel and see. THAT was my problem, I could not feel or see. I was frozen. WHENEVER I felt or saw, I shut down in some way. I got 'depressed",usually.
I could not handle the "feelings" from seeing or feeling the 'truth'. I think that I CAN now. Thank you to everyone who helped me so much.Sorry for being a "bleeding wound' sometimes ,too(lol-half)
Love Ami
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Dear Amber,
I KNOW when I go through these deep emotions ,it is painful for everyone, including you.I don't know how else to uncover these layers than by talking about them.
Ami
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Saw another layer ,today.This was a "super layer--a layer above a layer. I am a little 'sheep" making so many mistakes but God reaches his Hand down and pulls me on the right path.
I am a little lost sheep--that is for sure. God knows my weakness and vulnerabilities, They are many--way too many. However, He doesn't give up even when the sheep is spinning out of control.
Love Ami
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God does seem ito intervene in our lives sometimes........that is when you know He is real. Like when my house sold...the timing was perfect. And our house? Perfect. I believe God worked all the details out......right down to not giving me that job last year.
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Love you, Kelly (((((((((((((((Kelly))))))))))))))
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Back at ya Am! :)
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Other layers that I am seeing are "errors in thinking". My S(22) just had his first g/f. He always wanted a g/f .He felt left out b/c he didn't have one. THEN, his younger B got a g/f first .So, he had to see his younger B dating..
Finally(after a crazy crush on his 40's boss),he found a g/f.
We have a running joke that everything in life is like "getting your license". You think it will be wonderful and then it fades. So, sure enough he said,"Mom,it's not so great having a g/f. In fact,it is a pain in the a##." So, that is my next lesson---wanting things that I can't have.
I have a friend with a wonderful marriage. She has what everyone wants--tenderness, warmth, caring etc.I want that ,too. It doesn't look like I will get it(you never know),but I have to put it in the category of the "license".. Everything in this world leaves you a little disappointed -- even if you have something wonderful. It does not stay all that shiny.
My H built his dream house. Now,it is "just" a house. .
The M one is the hard one. I have to give up that "dream" and just pick myself up and pick up the pieces. I will probably always be a little bit of a vulnerable "nut" b/c of her. I have to accept the broken places.Maybe ,I can see them as a little funny and crazy---zany.
So, this is the next layer,I think--errors in thinking. Thanks for listening. Ami
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I had two people in my life who were healthy---my cop b/f and my Aunt.They both said the same thing --- you HAVE to be honest with YOURSELF My b/f added."Lie to others ,if you have to, BUT not to yourself."
I would LIKE to start a "new " thread,but I just don't have the 'nerve". It would be 'Exhausted, Feel like I am been run over by a truck,I'll sell Myself for love--Just Tell Me the Price(lol)"
I sold myself for love back then and I am STILL doing it today. I can SEE how s/one loses it. A simple drop of love is so powerful that it makes you go to the end of the earth.
That is my big lesson (life theme---more like it)---selling yourself for love. Ami
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I had two people in my life who were healthy---my cop b/f and my Aunt.They both said the same thing --- you HAVE to be honest with YOURSELF My b/f added."Lie to others BUT not to yourself."
I would LIKE to start a "new " thread,but I just don't have the 'nerve". It would be 'Exhausted, Feel like I am been run over by a truck,I'll sell Myself for love--Just Tell Me the Price(lol)"
I sold myself for love back then and I am STILL doing it today. I can SEE how s/one loses it. A simple drop of love is so powerful that it makes you go to the end of the earth.
That is my big lesson (life theme---more like it)---selling yourself for love. Ami
How can telling lies to others be healthy?
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He was an undercover cop in a big city. It was just part of a set of survival skills( when needed). YOU are right,definitely. I was unclear in what I said. Sorry. Ami
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I think the point is that you should never lie to yourself
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Lying to yourself EQUALS sickness. Ami
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I am getting to the deepest level( Yeah, Amber). It is the level where you exist in a little space inside of yourself. You are like the "Wizard of Oz",but in a "good " way. You sit behind the curtain and determine the circumstances.
I have to share a memory I had at 13. I "flashed back emotionally to this memory---today.It was my first kiss. The boy came to say good bye at the end of the summer.I didn't expect him,so I was in my nightgown and embarrassed. I remember he gave me a little kiss on the lips. WHAT was so amazing about the whole situation was that I was "inside" my body ---not on the outside .. I was inside my self experiencing" the moment. I know that many people will understand what I mean. Some won't.
I feel like I got "back in to my body"today.. I "swooshed" back in like they do in cartoons. Maybe,I am not in ALL the way,but some of the way,anyway( more ,for sure)
The other thing about this memory was that I was not defined by the "outside". I was not defined by whether or not he liked me (even though I hoped that I did). I just WAS. Maybe ,that is what you meant Amber. Ami
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The indigestible reality is that, as children, we had a natural expectation that our parents would love us, protect us, do things which were good for us. We loved THEM... surely they loved us back. But they DIDN'T. They COULDN'T. My m was mentally ill; yours an N. That is just TOO MUCH for young people to be able to accept. It goes against nature, everything we've been taught.
This hits the nail right on the head for me ...I was taking with my T last night about a particular trigger of this disillusionment - the idea that mom and dad are perfect in there ability to love me...yet, what I got was NOT genuine love...but the damage is so subtle and confusing. The wreckage and wake that I have to live with, years of self-destructive behaviour, reveals the truth about what really happenend in my not so loving and happy childhood. Getting that on a deep layer is like sinking back into being a baby and feeling the void or the LIE of the void. Having God in my life has helped to see that the disillusionment of void is part of my defenses.
We found ways we to adapt to them, to survive. (and are trying to change those behaviors now.) But it doesn't mean we lied to ourselves... we don't have to make ourselves "bad" for any part of the experience we had.
Defenses against them..our parents, yep...that is the WHOLE thing...how did I cope and how did I survive? Once I can identify what my defenses are the more I let go and move towards freedom. Anger is a defense, believing it was my fault is a defense, turning things around and becoming my Nmoms mom was a defense.
It makes me profoundly wonder....what would life be like without so much defense?
There doesn't have to be a criminal to be judged, sentenced and punished at all. NO ONE.
So true! What was done to me was so subtle but so HUGE! That is another trigger for me. When people do subtle damage that know one can hardly identify - the passive stuff. That is why saint N's are so crazy making for me. They are so good at the illusion of perfection...I buy it and then get so disappointed when I see their true colors. I have take responsibility for the disillusionment though.
And that leaves us with the question: so what do we need to do for ourselves, NOW?
My answer: Give up my defenses and disillusionment and trust God.
Peace ((AMBER))
Lise -- Soon to be ex-smoker.
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......"not smoking is easy. I want it."
......"not smoking is easy. I want it."
......"not smoking is easy. I want it."
......"not smoking is easy. I want it."
Should I just keep going?
I SO hear you Amber! You can and will quit when you are ready. Cigg's are my friends, or fake friends, Letting go of friends is not easy. I have faith in you Amber, when the time is right you will be able to quit. Me too.
Love,
Lise
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Dear Amber and Lise,
If you want to move the topic in another direction, that is fine. I can just continue on here or on another thread.Let it flow as it will
Amber---I thought you said "Accept what is---as it is." It just reminded me of how I felt this morning.
Ami
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Hi Ami-
Accepting reality is one of the keys of survival for me. When I am denying a harsh truth or hide due to shame, etc., I become completely ineffective and prey to whatever is bothering me. I have found that f I can honestly accept reality then I can focus my energy on ridding myself of the problem- not always easy, though!!!!
Love,
Changing