Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Gabben on December 05, 2007, 01:22:04 PM
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So what's going on here? Well, the psychological pro-
cess of developing an unconscious sense of victim anger
is largely a matter of misdirected blame, Here's how it
works, in common-sense language:
1. As a result of abuse, the child experiences
painful fear and hatred of the abuser(s).
2. But because the child feels essentially
powerless to stop the abuse or to convince
anyone to help, the child begins to perceive
the whole world as "unfair."
3. The child blames the world for being un-
fair, and, at the same time, begins to blame
himself or herself for not being "good
enough" to put up a successful fight against
the world.
4. The child learns that blaming the world
does not provide any immediate gratifica-
tion, and that punishing the world is not an
easy task, but that blaming the self-and
punishing the self-can provide immediate
and controlled satisfaction.
5, Because this self-destructive behavior is
unconsciously directed against the world,
however, and not against the self, the child
cannot realize, let alone accept consciously,
that he or she is now causing most of his or
her own pain.
6, Therefore, the child grows into an adult
who harbors an aching bitterness against
the world for its unpunished abuses, and,
at the same time, at every disappointment
he or she will find some convenient, secret
means of self-sabotage-and will then feel
justified in saying, "Look what they did to
me! It's not fair!"
And what strange satisfaction maintains all this self-
destruction? Well, it's the satisfaction of unconsciously
hoping to show the world how wrong it is. Like Hamlet
holding a mirror up to his mother, hoping that she will
see in herself the responsibility she played in the death
of the king, the person trapped in victim anger will hold
up his own destruction as "evidence" that, he hopes, will
condemn the world.
Thus you might hear someone saying, "So what if I get
cancer from smoking? Maybe it will serve them right.
Then they will see how much I had to suffer," And so
this unfortunate life will end, just like Hamlet, cluttered
with death and destruction.
Unlike a martyr, though, who lays down his or her life
out of pure love, this self-destruction has its deep motivation
in bitterness, hatred, and an obstinate rejection
of forgiveness.
When confronted by the victim anger of repetition,
therefore, your only hope is first to resolve the repetition
that traps you, You can't forgive"others if the real
problem is yourself: How can you accept the ugly part of
human nature if you can't see it in yourself and if you
can't accept your personal responsibility for constantly
placing yourself at risk? If you don't recognize the repetition,
all the kings horses and all the king's men-and
all the anger management classes in the world-won't
save you from your own unconscious efforts to destroy
yourself as you remain locked in the dark identity of
being a victim.
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Lise----THAT is SO BIG. I need to really study and absorb it.I think that it has the answers to my deepest issues. Thank you ,Lise. Keep them coming Love Ami
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ME TOO!!! -- this was not easy stuff for me to swallow because it was so revealing to me about my deepest attitudes. Yet, with my dream about the Nazis (ciggs) and my sympathy for them...which is really an act of betrayal against truth and myself, and then, reading this, I have had deep insights and awareness to the layers of lies and pain I carry. Suddenly, I woke up yesterday! After all of these years and realized that I was hurting me to get back at them. I tried to put my arms around this truth about myself for so long but now I am finally ready to let go.
It seems that what is most affective IS the truth but ONLY when handed to, or spoken, written, or sent to me shrouded in love, compassion and understanding..save the fear and judgement.
Oh, how I would love to grow more loving because I know how much it hurts.
This speaks so profoundly to me.
BTW: This was written by my new spiritual director. So far so good 8)
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I identify with the sentiments in this passage. It explains to me why I keep mucking up. The more I try and make things better, the worse things become. Now I see that I am sabotaging my own efforts. All I have to do is work on getting rid of or accepting what has happened and why it happened. LOL not an easy task but, at least, I have a clue what is going on.
Thanks very much for posting this item.
Kimberli
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Yes Amber - a post it would be good! I keep reflecting on what this victim anger stuff really looks like in my life as well as I keep asking myself and God what must I do to become free.
Thank you so much for your input Amber! I enjoyed reading your post.
"Look what you made me do." That spells it out, loud and clear for me, exactly what I am silently screaming eveytime I reach for a cig. LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!
Today I woke up and sunk deeply into the self-awareness of the level of pain and unhappiness that I CHOOSE! My choice because THEY MADE ME DO IT TO MYSELF :lol:
THEY MAKE ME CUT OFF THE GOOD OF LIFE --
So if I really hate my parents then the truth is that I am loving them by hurting me...maybe?
Well, this stuff that is written above on victim anger is good to read over and over again. Everytime I read it I get a new awareness level.
The thing is is that I am powerless to change, like you said. This is where God comes in. Just the other night I was reading Thomas Dubay, he is a Catholic spiritual writer that mostly writes about mysticism and prayer. His best work is "The Fire Within" at least in my humble opinion. He wrote another book called "Deep Prayer and Deep Conversion" In this book he writes that it is the work of the Holy Spirit to undo or heal our deepest wounds.
Lise
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Hi Shunned-
I love that concept of a "smoke signal" for help from a child, like other behaviors asking for help. I never thought of it that way- mindblowing! Like so much of the acting out in our lives...Hope you are doing well Shunnned!
Love, Changing
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And here is the second part originally posted on Dec. 5th.