Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: October on June 08, 2004, 04:57:31 AM
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Does anyone else feel as if they don't have a name?? My name is Catherine, and my family always use it in full, if at all, but I rarely hear it. My friends call me Cathy, mainly because my Nmum and echo dad always objected to shortened names when we were small, so now I can choose for myself I choose a shortened name for my friends to use.
But my t asked me yesterday which I preferred, and I said I don't mind. I said neither of them is really me, because I don't have a name.
Does anyone else have this same feeling??
I know my mum says that when my older brother was small she used to call him 'boy', and she laughed at me when I was a baby and started to say the same thing. She never says what she called me, and I suspect I had no name for a long time. (She always laughs at babies for doing what is perfectly normal for babies to do, in terms of playing and talking.)
When I remember hearing my name as a child, it was always when I was being told off for something, and with a nasty tone of voice. It was a warning, or threat.
I know she didn't want me when I was born, but I don't know much more than that about the early years. She never mentions them. Even with my daughter, she never says, you are just like your mother at that age (although she is very like me). And there are no pictures of me as a baby. Lots of my brothers, but none of me before I was a toddler.
C
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Thanks so much for your insight and support.
It aided my healing. Too much of my heart
was in this post to let it remain here for posterity.
The post served its purpose and now it is time to
edit it or gently take it down.
To every thing there is a season, and a time
to every purpose under the heaven: Ecclesiates 3:1
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Similar feelings here..I have a middle name which my mother tells me was what a previous girlfriend of my father's was called...so that negates that name pretty well and makes it bad. The only time my full first name was used was in anger. And I was mostly called by stupid pet names (quite debasing ones too). Think I'll adopt Portia! :D
I like this song 'Give me back my name' by Talking Heads:
There's a word for it
And words don't mean a thing
There's name for it
And names make all the difference in the world
Some things can never be spoken
Some things cannot be pronounced
That word does not exist in any language
It will never be uttered by a human mouth
Let X make a statement
Let breath pass through those cracked lips
That man was my hero
And now that word has been taken from us
Some things can never be spoken
Some things cannot be pronounced
That word does not exist in any language
It will never be uttered by a human mouth
Give me back my name
Give me back my name
Something has been changed in my life
Something has been changed in my life
Something must be returned to us
Something must be returned to us
YEAH! And we have to take it! Best, P
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Did anyone ever read the books by Dave Pelzer? A Child Called It, The Lost Boy, and A Man Named Dave. He was the worst documented child abuse case in the state of California. His N abusive mother tried several times to kill him. He slept on a cot in the garage ate garbage and wore dirty clothes. Heart wrenching story of survival and living. An amazing man.
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cathy
i know exactly what you mean about your name. i've often thought about changing mine too.
my name is a made up name - a combination of my N mother's name and my absent father's name. i've been asked to explain the origin of my name countless times because it's unusual and people are curious. it has always made me uncomfortable because every time someone asks me the story of my name, i have had to explain it, even though i was not comfortable speaking about my father who had left us and i barely knew. i also look unusual due to mixed ethnicity, so i think people were also trying to figure out how to place me in that way too. i've always found it intrusive, although not anyone's fault because how could they know it was so loaded to me?
i've often wished for a name that was not so loaded with uncomfortable family attachments. i suppose i *could* change it, but i have no idea what my name should be..
claris (not my real name!)
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It looks like this is fairly common, then. In some cultures people are given a secret name, that only they and the giver - a kind of sponsor or godparent figure - ever know. I think maybe we need something like that. Something that belongs only to us.
((((((((hugs to all)))))))))
C
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My family had a weird thing about my name too. For most of my life my dad wouldn't say my name. He called me by my initials. It was NOT a cute, affectionate nick name, it was a way of keeping an emotional distance from me - I sensed that even when I was very young. I hated it - it felt like having a serial number instead of a name. The other one I got was "kiddo" which I also hated. It felt condescending and generic. I've always felt disconnected from my last name - it feels like something that belongs to them and not me.
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I'm just sitting here remembering a few things about names in my family.
*My father and his five siblings (all from the same mother and father) all had different surnames because they all had differing opinions to what their surname should have been because one of their forebears was (gasp!) illegitimate.
*My brother has a hyphenated surname (like my parents) but when I was born Mum put a stop to all that nonsense. So I was different from them with just the one.
*When I met my future husband he decided to call me by my middle name because he liked it better. (Big clue to his future Narcissism??) I didn't respond to it at all so I told him that he better call me by my real name which is Karin.
I've always been comfortable with Karin, though I pronounce it the English way, and not the German way which my parents intended and called me by.
So, I made it my own.
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Interesting thread.....
I had noticed that my exNH tended not to use peoples names. Especially those that he was "close to." I wondered about that tendency and what it was all about before I found out about Narcissism.
He would call us by our title or category. For example, I was called "Wifey." And he would often call his daughters, "Daughter" or more specifically, "Youngest Daughter." When talking about me to his daughters he would almost invariably refer to me as "your wicked Step-Mother."
He even called the dog, "Dog!" as in "Come here, Dog." Not officially though, the dog did have a name, but come to think of it, the dog had the name already when he got him.
He would also assign nicknames to people rather than call them by their given names. The nicknames were usually a "dig" of some sort, not a nickname that one would choose for oneself.
The real kicker was a young, male friend of ours that he admired tremendously for his intelligence. He was called "Junior!" How N is that ??!!!
When I became aware of his N-ness, I saw this as a symptom. There is the emotional distancing part of it, yes. Since we are not really human to them, it just wouldn't DO to give us names.
But, the way that my exNH did it, I also see it as a boundary issue. We were all assigned "names" that described US in relation to HIM, as extensions of him. By calling us that, he could "own" us and we were not considered separate from him. Scary stuff......
Now I really pay attention and try to make sure to call everyone, especially the ones that he dehumanized by their given names.
Incidentally, two of his three daughters have ceased all contact with him. The third comes and goes, more often gone. One of them is planning on changing her name to her mother's maiden name as she doesn't want to be identified with him at all anymore.
Gingerpeach
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He even called the dog, "Dog!" as in "Come here, Dog." Not officially though, the dog did have a name, but come to think of it, the dog had the name already when he got him.
When I became aware of his N-ness, I saw this as a symptom. There is the emotional distancing part of it, yes. Since we are not really human to them, it just wouldn't DO to give us names.
But, the way that my exNH did it, I also see it as a boundary issue. We were all assigned "names" that described US in relation to HIM, as extensions of him. By calling us that, he could "own" us and we were not considered separate from him. Scary stuff......
Now I really pay attention and try to make sure to call everyone, especially the ones that he dehumanized by their given names.
Gingerpeach
That is sooo interesting, Gingerpeach. We had a dog too, called Ben, and my mum called him 'dog', and she does that with the dog from next door now, and she and dad both say 'he', although the dog is a bitch, and is called Georgie. They seem not to care that there is a name, or even about the sex of the animal. My mum treats Georgie really weirdly, imo. She always gives her biscuits, and then is surprised that the dog comes back over and over. She says giving her biscuits is the only way to get her to go home. I think in her fantasy world she is St Francis over again. :D
And when my parents went out for the day with my daughter and her friend, they didn't bother learning the friend's name; they just called her nothing at all, and now just refer to her as 'C's friend', if at all. It is as if differentiating people is just too difficult for them.
I think your point about labels rather than names is very perceptive. I shall look out for that now. And strange how when I first became unwell, my identity was only 'C's mum'. I had nothing else, especially not a name.
My brother calls his three boys by their names most of the time, but he also refers to them as number one son, number two son and number three son. When the third one was born I remember my dad putting this in a card, with pictures of them, and saying number three son and counting, so that clearly resonates with him.
Cathy
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:D Just a thought, I found this little quote on a page of childrens writings and thought you'd all like it.
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4
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Same in my family.
The girls were 'Sis' to my father. He only used our real names when he was angry, then it was first and middle - we KNEW he was mad.
When he spoke to us about our mother, it was 'your mommy'. He only used her name when angry, then it was first and middle and he was yelling it.
And now at 44 years of age - if we were speaking, he would still refer to her as my mommy. They got very upset when I started calling them "mom" and "dad" in my teen years. They kept saying they were my mommy and daddy. A light should have gone off long ago!
BF or H was 'boy' to his face as in "listen here boy", or "well boy, you shoud know"
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This strikes a chord with me as well! Thanks for bringing it up!
My H is referred to as "son" by his father. His N father also called his wife "wif" His N father had lots of "playful" names for people, as does my husband.
My H has nick names for people to. H sometimes calls me "wify"
He referrs to co workers as: "Sniper Matt" "Tiny head" "Psycho Matt"
My H has a voice for me called "Jenny voice" It is a meek child's voice with a lisp. He has a voice for his mom and for other female coworkers and friends. He uses them in jest, but I don't think it is very respectful.
My name is Jennifer Susan. Susan is my mother's first name (that might point to an N tendency!) and incidentally the first name of my Mother in law as well. I may never go by Susan, or my husband will flip out! (His mother's middle innitial is J. She was SJK and I am JSK) I don't want that name anyway because it doesn't belong to me. It belongs to my mother.
My parents call me Jennifer. I never felt they knew me. And it is associated with anger. So, I have my friends call me Jenny. There are so many Jennys my age, I feel like a clone. Not to mention, "Jenny" is not taken seriously. It sounds like a sex toy or a child's name. I have enough trouble getting anyone to take me seriously or treat me like an adult. I am 22 and I look like I am 12. I don't feel like Jennifer, or Jenny. When people ask what they should call me, I say "whatever"
My screen name is mixed up letters from all of my names, mine, my mom's, my father's, my husband's... None feel like mine. But I am trying to make them mine. I could have created something that sounded more like me!
When I married, I had trouble deciding whether to keep my father's name, take my husband's name or hyphenate. My husband wanted me to take his. In the end, I did, because they both came from a man, so I didn't feel it mattered.
I have started to practice saying my name... "Jennifer Susan, grand-daughter of Catherine" (a woman I love and admire, and wouldn't mind taking after).
Peace, sjkravill
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This strikes a chord with me as well! Thanks for bringing it up!
My H is referred to as "son" by his father. His N father also called his wife "wif" His N father had lots of "playful" names for people, as does my husband.
I have started to practice saying my name... "Jennifer Susan, grand-daughter of Catherine" (a woman I love and admire, and wouldn't mind taking after).
Peace, sjkravill
Sounds like you are in a similar position to me. I stick with Cathy, but it is a bit twee, and not really 'me'. Strangely, I once heard a good friend use my full name with a gentle tone of voice, and it really scared me. I didn't know what to do, and I wanted to cry. In fact I think I did cry. It sounded so strange. Perhaps that is what my name should be; a different tone of voice.
You could always try Jenn. That is a bit more grown up. Some neighbours call me Cath, and it is kind of ok. I usually don't mind any version, except I hate the name Kate. My mum tried it out for a while when I was smaller and I refused to answer to it.
C
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"I have enough trouble getting anyone to take me seriously or treat me like an adult. I am 22 and I look like I am 12."
I obviously don't know what you look like sjkravill, but I thought of you as much older because you always write with so much maturity and sensitivity; I was gob-smacked to read that you're only 22!
What really matters IS what's in your head and heart and if people don't take you seriously because of what you look like then they're not worth knowing anyway. Their loss.
(My 25 year old daughter has the very same problem!).
Karin.
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Name and number for that matter.
I certainly didn't like the way my parents shortened the name. Especially my dad, he calls it in such a way.. it sounds feminine..that too in such a parental soothing voice.. just to make me feel belittled !
I gave myself a nickname when I was in 24, but on second thoughts I changed it to my original name... in FULL.. not hte way my paretns called.
And it is mine now.. and it is nice !
About number.. my Ndad was born on the 10th.. he wanted me to be born on the tenth.. he tried to delay my birth.. thankfully due to doctors intervention I was born on the 9th. He has even spelt my name so that it has 10 letters.. though the more popular way of spelling it has only 9 letters. He believes 10 or 1+0 = 1 is the perfect number and others fall short of it especially 9.. cos '9 is adament by nature' etc cos whatever happens it repeats itself. 9, 9x2 = 18, where the 1+8=9, then 9x3=27 2+7= 9 !
This 10 and 9 battle has gone too far. In football he prefers players with the numbr 10.. thinks they are the real stars etc..The guy feels so much about himself that he feels insecure if anyone wearing 9 outperforms the number 10 I think. But the funniest thing is he has embedded the feeling so much deep inside me that I am the opposite negative. ! and he has made it so conscious that I almost feel uneasy following any footballer who wears 10 or when my dads birthday turns up. Imagine Michael Owen scores a hatrick agains't germany.. and my bad feelings are triggered ! Even some of my compulsive behaviours are related cos of this I think :cry:
spirit
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Does anyone else feel as if they don't have a name??
"Yes!"
I'm a male 6' tall Blond hair / blue eyes with a full blond beard. Not a wimp or prissy.
My name is a gender neutral name (Tracy). To this day people that I've known for years call me "Terry", "Stacy", "Travis" (It has to do with my last name). I've always hated my name. People can't seem to connect me with my name. People skirt around it and never call me anything or call me "Bud" "Buddy" or other pet names for the times you can't recall what a person's name is.
I used to go rounds with my parents on why they were so mean for naming me such a weak ass name for a guy. I was tortured by kids in grade school and up until High school because of this inappropiate moniker. I've had job interviews that have lasted only minutes cause once they see that I'm not what they expected.(I have a dibbly thingy as Portia and CG would say) On and on with the bad experiences.
I've talked to a lawyer about changing my name and have seriously considered it since my N parents aren't speaking to me anyway. I can't seem to come up with one. I about to hit the big 4 0 and I might just give myself a legally changed birthday present for myself.
Any suggestions out there?? ( I would love to hear what Portia, CG, Spirit, Gingerpeach, Dawning have to say!)
MrT
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Hiya all, hope you don't mind me breaking out of the ramble thread for a mo' to come and chat with you! :D
Gardener! thank you for your post, I loved it, 'your name is safe in their mouth', aren't kids great with their honesty and insight?
Mr T...well well. Now I have a good picture of you, how about the first name of Viking? You can use Vic too but spell it Vik in a really 'alternative' way?! You look like a Viking to me! :D Respect Mr T. What name would you like?
Was it Spirit with the numbers game? Spirit, 9 is my favourite number, 3x3, most solid, sturdy number there is, the trinity squared etc. Obviously any N can only have 1 because only 1 exists for real, all the other numbers are there to reflect the glory of 1 huh? :roll: Sad.
P
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sorry...that was me...but at least it gave me another look at Spirit's post. Spirit, this is wonderful!
'9 is adament by nature'
yep, and why not hey? why not! Let's all be a little more adament for a change. Sheeeesh! What a quote. Real crazy but I understand it. 9 won't be controlled will it? It just does it's own weird thing without any regard for the wonderful wholeness of 1+0. And that's another point about 1 - it needs a zero to feel superior to! Gosh this is stupid but it makes such sense. Hope I'm not freaking anyone out here, not intended. I like numbers but it's best not to get OC about them....they occupy a different abstract part of the universe to us simple humans...just let them do their own thing Spirit, and don't give in to playing any numbers lottery games! Best, P aka S aka F
PS. Just to go back in to numbers....a little regression only, I promise, I was born on 12th...1+2=3 which leads me to ...no, I am stopping now. :D
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Portia,
Your number theory really brought a big smile to my face. I wish someday someone would actually tell it to him point blank :D
The funny thing is whenever someone makes fun of any of his theories ( like the number theory ) , he gets a 'strange pain in his chest ' and he would rush to the kitchen where he stores his collection of tiny white pills and would take a few of them 'just in case' :roll: I somehow suspect that the homeopathy doctor who gave these small pills which dont have any side effects are just to keep my Ndad satisfied !
And btw.. when it comes to swallowing pills he takes an exception to his number theory.. he prefers 9 to 1 :lol:
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Hi MrT,
I too have considered it but not that seriously. You seem uncomfortable with it then go for it. Afterall it is your choice as to how you need to be called. About myself I didn't cos I felt a sense of nativity. My name was like my 'homeland' which was invaded, so I fought from outside to regain it and hoist my own flag there ( or here ) ! I have fought a battle and won my name from my parents ! Having said that changing names is also winning that battle, just different tactics. Ultimately feeling belonged to our own name is what matters no matter how you achive it !
About suggestions for names.. hmm .. I like mythology, I would go for a character with whom I could identify, now who means what is entirely your perception.. good luck :)
Spirit
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Hey Mr T.,
I had to chuckle when I saw Portia's suggestion for your name because after reading your physical description and your request for names, the first thing that had popped into my head was "Thor."
Sort of the same idea, you know..... Viking - Norse - god. And Spirit said that she liked the mythological names. So, it seems that we are all on or near the same wavelength.
So, maybe this bears some futher investigation. I'm sure there are other Viking/Norse names if these suggestions don't suit you to a "T." (Sorry, I couldn't help myself there, the pun just sort of wrote itself.)
So, do you like the Viking association? It's definitely very masculine. Should we do more research? Do you have blue eyes?
Names are just so personal. So intrinsically part of who we are and how we see ourselves. Remember that we have been identifying with our name to some great extent since before we were even verbal.
I loved that quote from the little boy about how a name is safe in the mouth of someone who loves you. So true !
When I meet someone and they tell me their name and it is one that has more than one spelling, I usually ask them what the proper spelling is. Because that too is an important part of a name. And somehow, in my mind's eye, I "see" a Cyndi differently from a Cindy.
When I was a child, I always felt badly for the children whose names were mangled by the teacher on the first day of school....and for weeks afterward sometimes. It seemed as though the teacher didn't think that it was important enough. And I remember the sadness, shame, embarrassment ....I'm not even sure I knew what the emotions were. But you could see it on their faces.
When I was a teacher, I made sure I went to the Guidance Office a week before school started and asked for the proper pronunciation of all of the students names and then practiced, so they would roll off my tongue as easily as a Smith or a Jones. Name sounds and letters are IMPORTANT !!
So, Mr. T., what do you think? Shall we look further into the Viking connection? Or should we expand the search?
Gingerpeach
PS My given name is Virginia. I never identified with it as a child....too formal and of course, that was what I was always called when I was in trouble !!! My family and friends always called me Ginny.
As I have gotten older, 51 now, I have grown into Virginia and often use it, especially when meeting people professionally. If I get to know them better, then I tell them to call me Ginny. It's one of the ways that I consciously practice boundary setting.
As for Gingerpeach, well .... that's my mother's affectionate name for me. Has been for probably all 51 years. She's 78 now and still asks how her Gingerpeachy is. It's my "happy" name, my "loved" name, my "smile" name, my "safe" name.
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Hi ladies and gent,
I appreciate your willingness to help me out with this name thing I'm going through. I've been wanting to change it for so long. My grandfathers' names are James (Welsh descent) and Dock (German descent) so I don't think I will choose either one of them although Dock is unusual (even for his family).
I forgot to add that my last name is considered Welsh/English.
Portia - Don't be thinking any bad thoughts about me now - I know you are sassy and I don't want to turn too red when I read your postings! :wink: Thanks for your input. I like your suggestion! I don't know though if my friends and family could call me anything with "King" in it. They think i'm conceited enough. I can see everyone rolling their eyes already.
What do you guys think about "Nik" ? Any bad connotations or know any psycho Nick's?
Spirit - Thanks for your input too. You said "My name was like my 'homeland' which was invaded, so I fought from outside to regain it and hoist my own flag there." - Yeah man I've been there too. I sought to make it my own but finally realized in my "homeland" I didn't have any tourists 'cause nobody wanted to visit Inappropriateman'snameville. I know where you're coming from and will probably take that course of action but It's nice to think of alternatives.
It's funny you mentioned numbers too. Kids use to call me "13" cause in Spanish 13 is pronounced similiarly to my name.
As far as your suggestion. I think I like Hercules the best. More eyes would roll - I can hear the whispers now. The rest of the names are taken by my friends and family members for the names of their pit bulls! :roll:
Gingerpeach - You are always a sweet peach. ( I couldn't help myself either but you are so very sweet - and don't you ever change!) So, you like Thor. :wink: I can see my son calling me "Four" :lol: as we are still trying to help him with his pronounciations and enunciations. Maybe "Four" would be a good name to Spirit's dad. :roll:
My great-grandmother Virginia was named after her grandfather's mother - a Confederate Civil war colonel's daughter. My greatgrandmother was know as "Virgie" I didn't realize that Virginia could have so many pet name derivatives. It would have never occured to me that Ginger was derived from Virginia.
Well I appreciate everyone's input so far. I still haven't quit thinking about a change though and the dreaded big 40 is looming ever so closely on the horizon. (that's another story - how do you survive turning this ghastly age?)
MrT.
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I, too have many issues with my name. I was named by my adoptive mother, who is the narcissist in my life. She named me after a friend of hers, whom she hasn't seen in more than 55 years, and whom I've never met. I have never felt at all connected with that name. Glennis has so many horrible connotations to me now. The full name was used when she was angry. The condescending "Glenny" was used the rest of the time. The tone of voice she uses whenever she says my name to this day always sounds like I'm in trouble. I hated any pet names she tried to give me. They were also demeaning and condescending, and I wouldn't respond to them.
I spent 50 years spelling and explaining my name to people. I discovered I was adopted at 27 years old (Mother would have been happy if I never knew. Her control of me began to diminish immediately after that.) It wasn't long after my initial discovery that I learned my birthname, Donna. In fact, after I found my birthmother, I discovered I had been named after my vaudevillian grandmother.
I feel much more like Donna than I ever felt like Glennis. Sure, Glennis is more unusual. But to me, Donna is more real. I haven't legally changed it, because of the hassle. Perhaps someday I will. But I use Donna as a pen name in my writings. I can keep in better touch with my authentic self somehow that way.
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I started this thread a week or so ago, but I seem to have got lost, and forgotten. I seem to have turned invisible all over again.
Not doing well at present.
:oops:
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October, I'm sorry. Actually, though, I was responding to your first post in this thread, rather than the others. Yes, I feel unconnected to my name, as well.
I also relate really well to your screen name, being an October child, too.
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October, I'm sorry. Actually, though, I was responding to your first post in this thread, rather than the others. Yes, I feel unconnected to my name, as well.
I also relate really well to your screen name, being an October child, too.
(((Glennis)))
It wasn't you prticularly - it had been going that way for days. Every time I logged on there was a notice that someone had added to the thread, and for days there was all sorts of chat. I tried all sorts of positive thinking, to say this is a good thing, that so many people relate, but they all ended up talking with one another, and I felt left in a corner.
Yes, I am an October child. Perhaps we should plan a party??????
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October,
Hi, I was just checking in on the Names subject because I saw you had posted. I was thinking, cool, October is adding something again to the post, she seems really interesting. I like people from the UK. (I'm in the States)
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Thanks so much for your insight and support.
It aided my healing. Too much of my heart
was in this post to let it remain here for posterity on the web.
The post served its purpose and now it is time to
edit it or gently take it down.
To every thing there is a season, and a time
to every purpose under the heaven: Ecclesiates 3:1
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I'm glad you posted how you felt, (((((((((((((((October)))))))))))))))
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Hi Cathy!
You brought up some interesting points about names. It really has made me dwell on that thought for a while now. Looking back, my mother NEVER called me by my name - it was always a pet name. They never made sense either. I will share one with you now that makes me laugh although I never understood it - Jody Queenbee! :lol: All the nicknames have fond memories associated with them, but you have made me question the reason why she never called me by my name....why it always had to be a nickname - and a nonsensical one at that. Curious.
I am so glad you shared your feelings, but at the same time sorry that you felt invisible. I am always very moved and inspired by your posts. Several of mine have gone off topic at times...I think we all just get caught up in the moment sometimes. I want to continue to hear your voice - it is a strong, educated, encouraging voice and one that I always look for in my visits to the board.
Big supportive hugs to you.
Want to share more about feeling invisible? If so, I'm here. If not, that's ok too.
Your cyber-friend,
Michelle
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October,
I hope I didn't overdo the understanding part. :oops:
I'm glad you posted how you felt, (((((((((((((((October)))))))))))))))
Thanks, flower. It is lovely to know that I have friends, who understand even if I whinge a bit. I spent several days feeling lost, and in the end the only thing to do was to write down how I was, even though I felt stupid doing it. But it has got me back here.
Things are a bit difficult at present, but at least you can't say that life is dull, lol!!! However, I managed to get the grass cut yesterday, which is good. Only need to sort the ironing and run the vac and a duster round and all will be well again. In the middle of trying to sell my house, because I need to sort out some money situations (ie debts), so I have to keep the place tidy and clean, and that is not easy. :lol:
Meanwhile, missing seeing my friends, and feeling a bit overwhelmed. Not surprising when I think about it, but of course you don't always think first. You feel bad for a while way before you stop to think why.
So, where are you in the States (roughly; my geography is a bit rusty). I am in England, about 30 miles or so due north of London.
C
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Hi Cathy!
I am so glad you shared your feelings, but at the same time sorry that you felt invisible. I am always very moved and inspired by your posts. Several of mine have gone off topic at times...I think we all just get caught up in the moment sometimes. I want to continue to hear your voice - it is a strong, educated, encouraging voice and one that I always look for in my visits to the board.
Big supportive hugs to you.
Want to share more about feeling invisible? If so, I'm here. If not, that's ok too.
Your cyber-friend,
Michelle
Hiya Michelle
My mum uses the wrong word for lots of things. Like when my daughter was small and took a bottle, and mum always called it a 'pipe'. God knows where she got that from, but I said, don't confuse her, call it a bottle, like everyone else.
As far as I can see, she uses the wrong word with little children so that she can see when they are copying her and using her word, and then she laughs at them, and calls them queer (Yorkshire talk for strange or unusual, especially icw children - nothing to do with gay) It is a kind of power trip for her not to use the same (correct) word as everyone else but to have her own kind of superior language forms.
However, my background is in linguistics, so I don't let her get away with it. Which is why she finds me difficult to deal with. :lol: I ask her why she uses particular words, and whether they are Yorkshire dialect (often they are not, they are just her own invention).
I think if Ns could get away with it, they would have a whole different language from the rest of us. As it is, they share very few meanings in common, so they may as well be aliens with a translation device. The words almost sound right, but none of the meanings are there.
Seeing my t today. Always makes me jittery. Thanks for being there.
(((((Hugs))))))
C
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Hi October,
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Thanks so much for your insight and support.
It aided my healing. Too much of my heart
was in this post to let it remain here for posterity on the web.
The post served its purpose and now it is time to
edit it or gently take it down.
To every thing there is a season, and a time
to every purpose under the heaven: Ecclesiates 3:1
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Flower and October,
I'm also on the West Coast of the US. I love the access to all the different areas... I'm in a valley between the ocean and the mountains. Beautiful, if I must say so.
My n-mother has an odd speech pattern. She strings her words together with a lot of nonsensical syllables when she can't quite think of what she wants to say. It's almost like she's trying desperately to keep one's attention. A family friend once said she's the only woman he knows who can talk on the intake.
Her speech is most clear when she's doing her "interrogation thing." Questions are rapid-fire, and she IS trying to catch one in a lie. I once told her she doesn't have to know everything. She replied she DOES have to know everything. She didn't even realize how stupid she was sounding.
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------------------------------------------------------
Thanks so much for your insight and support.
It aided my healing. Too much of my heart
was in this post to let it remain here for posterity on the web.
The post served its purpose and now it is time to
edit it or gently take it down.
To every thing there is a season, and a time
to every purpose under the heaven: Ecclesiates 3:1
------------------------------------------------------------
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Sounds like this is a great new thread in the making; games Ns play. We could bring out a compendium for the Christmas market!! LOL!!
Speaking of which, my Nmum loves crosswords and quizzes on telly. She loves saying the answers before the contestants, but with a tone of voice which really makes clear that they are stupid not to know the answer, or not to be as quick as her. And she writes it all down and keeps it. She is a compulsive hoarder of just about everything. Very unhappy woman, really.
I went round the other day and she 'mentioned in passing' hanging out the washing at 4am. I took no notice, because - well you know.
And yesterday I had to get my brother's wallet from their house (he had gone into town without it and rang me. Only he didn't just want money, he wanted his money and his wallet. :? ) Anyway, I said as I was leaving, 'anyone want to go to town'? And mum answered, 'I would, but I have a swollen foot.' See, everything has to be about her. So I said, 'that's a shame', and drove away.
Makes me seem really heartless unless you understand how Ns work. There is no-one else in the world (except another N) that I would just drive away from when a clear call for attention comes like that.
Which is half the trouble, I suppose. The guilt remains for having to be heartless in order to maintain survival boundaries.
West coast - that is the Pacific coast, isn't it? What a long way away!! I occasionally get to paddle in the Atlantic (East Coast of England), but have never paddled in the Pacific. :lol: Perhaps I should put it onto a long term wish list. 8)
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My mum only listens if she has not heard something before. And then she repeats it to anyone and everyone she can find, without any discrimination at all. When I was a teenager I used to hear my most intimate secrets discussed with strangers at bus stops. I soon learned to tell her nothing.
I think I may have mentioned already that mum always reads the paper before anyone else, and that she often reads bits of it out loud - I really hate that - with her own disgusted tone of voice, of course. (She never reads out any good bits, only bits which fit her own prejudices.)
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Hi October,
------------------------------------------------------
Thanks so much for your insight and support.
It aided my healing. Too much of my heart
was in this post to let it remain here for posterity on the web.
The post served its purpose and now it is time to
edit it or gently take it down.
To every thing there is a season, and a time
to every purpose under the heaven: Ecclesiates 3:1
------------------------------------------------------------
-
I don't go by my birth name when I meet people because I am not beholden to my birth family and I don't feel like I am part of it or belong there. I am different than them.
When I use my birth name it is for convienece. Soon I will get my real name,one I recieved as a gift in a spiritual encounter,Underground Panther in the Sky.That is my real name. I am called panther by my real family,my freinds whom respect me and whom I cherish in return.
I want to legally change my name because I am not my mother or my father and because they labeled me and did not value me as a person,
I will value me and label myself in a way with a word that has precious connotations and positive meanings for me. But it's a paperwork task and complicated and it takes time..So...
Technically what is a name? So if we take the name our parents give us without question... why do it?
I hate my birth name.It has been a tool for bullies for years and it makes me cringe to associate myself with it. I didn't have a name for years,I had a label a handle some noise to distuinguish me from others when I was called in a room.
I was given my birth name because I was "small"my mom says.
Well I ain't small no more.
I do not have to accept anything my parents declare.
And that includes my birth name and all the pain it carries.
I can choose to name myself in a way that is discriptive and worthy of what I am.