Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: changing on December 11, 2007, 08:21:58 PM
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My soon to be ex husband's cat died. My husband's first cat gave birth to him, and he adored my husband, worshipped the ground he walked on. I loved that kitty, and was frightened when he left him here because the cat was with him constantly, from birth onwards. I begged him to take him, but he refused. The kitty was old ,took meds and was frail. I have been very busy and frantic, trying to make certain that everything is "perfect" in case the police or someone else is summoned again, I have moved out almost all of the furniture, and when he is not with me in my bed the often incontinent kitty was in a room without carpets except those I put down for him, that could be washed. There is a bed in there with pillows and covered so whatever happens can be cleaned up nicely. This was in large part so there would be no problem for my pets. as work was being done, they would not get out, or if the police came in, etc. due to lies from my husband there would be no problem. My husband once put a mother and new kittens that I was caring for out in the cold and subject to harm when he moved out before, so this was no idle concern.
I have been strectched for money and time. Friday I had a law school finals and I have been sick, working on the house, dealing with the divorce and creditors , investigators and lawyers looking for my husband. When my husband sent the police to get guns that his psychiatrist had ordered removed from his custody and they threatened me with jail or shooting, and when he sent a lawyer who jumped my fence and threatened me, I panicked and was not lsleeping at the house every day. I am sure that this stressed the poor cat even more. I hate myself right now so much. Then there was a period when I did not have a bed and slept on the floor, so the kitty remained in the other room as well during that time.
I went to choir practice Sunday because my pastor specifically asked me to sing a certain song for Christmas- I hadn't planned to sing this year, and really didn't want to go. I did all the things that my years of vocal training taught, except for a shot in the throat- still I croaked softly. I felt even more sick when I returned. When I came home the kitty was acting squirrely- I left him in the other room and didn't bring him to bed with me, as iI thought that I simply couldn't handle the incontinence etc that night. He loved Baby Sammy, and I should have just dealt with it, despite how I felt.Yesterday, I went in to feed him and bring him into my room to cuddle in bed, supervised so he wouldn't ruin the linens- he always rushes out, vocalizing. It was quiet, and I found him dead with the other kitty nearby, and the water bowl turned over.
This would never have happened before, NEVER. He had a kitty friend with him, but I would have taken him to the vet, etc, if I knew that he was in distress, at any hour of the day or night, and have done this- (last time it cost $1,000) and he was great at telling me if he wanted more food or water. I took him to be cremated today. I hate myself and what I have become- I should never have let my husband intimidate me and make me change my lifestyle out of fear, and stress out an innocent cat. I should not sing or do anything that I don't want to, and get so sick that I don't function well. Everything seems to be rushing at me at once, and I am overwhelmed and feeling unworthy of even trying to be happy, and destined to lose.
I am guilty and dying inside.
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Changing Dear,
I am so sorry. You are simply exhausted and overwhelmed. You have so much on your plate. You would never hurt any creature---ever. I am so sorry about your cat,Changing.
I can tell that you simply are totally burnt out. May God touch you in a special way tonight.May HE rock you to sleep. Love you Changing Ami
(((((((((((Changing))))))))))))))))
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You're not guilty and you're not dying..... you just feel like you are.
That kitty was well cared for and loved.... you were doing the very best you could.
Living under siege isn't easy.... your H did that to you.... not your fault.
Kitty didn't die alone..... kitty had a friend.
Kitty could have died while you were at school or any other time.
Please please please.... changing..... lay down and cry about it for a while... it's very sad.
It's right that you're mourning and feeling like you didn't do enough.....
but you did what you could do and I promise you.... it was so much more than most people could have done.
You're amazing and helpful and your heart's as true and committed as any I've ever seen care for those around them, during their own time of crisis.
You have to forgive yourself for any perceived failure.... you didn't do anything wrong.
(((Changing))) My friend.... please get some sleep after a good long cry. Let Sammy comfort you... he knows you did your best.
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Ami I am so alone and guilty. This is a bitter loss. I have the other pets to care for and don't know how I can face the future and the new losses in all areas to come with the divorce and my husband playing dirty with me. I hope that I don't take these innocent animals down with me.Thank you for your reply.
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Lighter-
Thank you. I didn't permit myself the release of crying until I reached the pet cemetary. The thing is , I could have done more, maybe even stayed with my husband, had him visit . I was worried this might happen. If it were a vulnerable child I may have stayed with the marriage to support their health even tough it sealed my own fate. I was torn- what was more dangerous, him visiting at will , or the stress on the old cat of all of this loss of routine? I though that I was handing things , but I know now that I wasn't.
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Changing
You are in a shame spiral. You are going down with FOO tapes. The guilt and shame are OLD tapes. You were overwhelmed and a terrible situation happened.
You conduct yourself with more grace than anyone I have known with such little comfort in life.
These feelings are old messages of worthlessness. ,I am here if yiou need me. I will call you at any time.,if that would give you comfort.
You are sick,too, so your defenses are down. You have no tender hand to help you,. I am so sorry. I give you my heart and I will call at any time you need. Just telll me. Take a bath if you can and snuggle with your dog. Keep writing Changing. You are very loved here---by everyone on the board. Love Ami
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Thank you Ami. I don't deserve your kindness, and that is called grace. Thank you.
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Oh Changing...I'm so sorry. I know exactly how you are feeling - my heart...I once heard that Heaven holds are pets for us. God is too loving to deny us them forever.
When I was in high school, shortly the time before my mom started really going off on me, I got a little white kitten as a gift from my adopted father who is not an N. He is a good guy and he really loved me.
The kitten was only a few weeks old and it had been rescued so it was beat up and in bad shape. Kinda of like me. I got a basket with warm blankets and toys for it to sleep in. It ate like it has never eaten before and got that full round belly. I put her in the basket for the evening and kept right next to my bed. In the middle of the night I woke up and looked at the kitten, she was glowing...purring and was looking at me as if to say -- thanks, I love you.
I awoke the next morning and put her in the litter box right next to the basket in my room so I could start to train her. I went to the bathroom and then down stairs. I was gone for only about 5 minutes. When I got back she was laying in the gravel of the liter box choking on the gravel. I quickly took her to my dad to help her but it was to no avail, she died later that day. I still cry thinking about it and I still feel GUILT, even after all these years. I loved her -- even for one day....I'm sorry for you...with tears I write this.
((changing))...hugs and love.
Lise
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Changing
You are blaming yourself so harshly. It hurts to see you blame yourself when you struggle so hard and so valiantly against such odds(N trying to destroy you, bad FOO, being alone).
My heart cries for you, Changing. You are not to blame. You have too much on your plate. You would never hurt a fly--on purpose.
Do you get a break from school? Maybe you can rest. What do you think?
Rest in Jesus arms,Changing.I do that and He comforts me.He really does. Love Ami
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I am so sorry changing. Losing a friend is so very hard.
Please don't second guess yourself as to whether or not you could have done more. You are not safe with exH, in any way, he has proven that again and again. He is the one at fault here for abandoning his kitty - not you. Please don't own his shame. You made the decision you had to make, and the only decision you could make.
We can what if, and never know the true answer - perhaps your soon to be exH would have used him to hurt you, you can't know the outcome.
What you do know - your kitty had a good long life, was well taken care of, and did not linger in pain. He was deeply loved and gave deep love.
You have too much on your plate right now, please be extra gentle with yourself right now.
:cry:
((((((((((((((((Changing))))))))))))))))))))))
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Thank you Gabben- It is so terrible when you are responsible for an innocent soul and you fail-you understand, though you were a blameless child.
Thank you Ami. Poor little guy- I miss him so much. How could my husband just leave him like that? He may have taken him eventually if I hadn't gone NC, though he did this before, with an old and ailing dog, and he never reclaimed him. Eventually the doggie passed away, and my dog howled for many days with grief. His animals love him with all of their hearts, but he is somehow able to leave them, even get new pets.
This cycle had to end, with my husband coming and going and never really bonding or whatever it is- but it is hard at this moment. Thank you for helping me work this out and expose my true guilt and shame.
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Wow...changing.
I can't help but think you'll feel better in the morning.
You were so kind to that cat.
A lot of people wouldn't have kept an incontinent pet in the house.... and yet you were kind enough to honor kitty till the end.
It was just the end... and that's not a bad thing. It;s the way life goes.
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Thank you Peace- I am too upset to respond properly but I can only say that you helped me. I feel so alone and worthless and horrible - you helped me face myself and my guilt. Thank you.
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Thank you Lighter- I appreciate what you said and I feel better for it. It's just that I would have done things differently and I think better for him, and I didn't. Thank you for being there Lighter- it means a lot.
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::holding changing... softly saying to her.... "it's OK... it's OK"
Even if it's not OK.... it's going to be OK, promise.
This is a bad patch, experienced by a wonderful woman who does not deserve the abuse she's heaping on herself.... promise.
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Thank you Izzy for not hating me in my weakness, as I do now. He was 16, and very affectionate, and very loved. I just wish that I had kept him with me that last night.
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Thank you Gabben- It is so terrible when you are responsible for an innocent soul and you fail-you understand, though you were a blameless child.
Thank you Ami. Poor little guy- I miss him so much. How could my husband just leave him like that? He may have taken him eventually if I hadn't gone NC, though he did this before, with an old and ailing dog, and he never reclaimed him. Eventually the doggie passed away, and my dog howled for many days with grief. His animals love him with all of their hearts, but he is somehow able to leave them, even get new pets.
This cycle had to end, with my husband coming and going and never really bonding or whatever it is- but it is hard at this moment. Thank you for helping me work this out and expose my true guilt and shame.
Changing - from your story you seem pretty blameless too - Love Lise
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Thank you Lise- My guilt is that knowing that he was frail and had medical conditions for a long time, as well as newly added stress, I didn't keep him with me the night he passed. I thought I could make it up to him in the morning. Life had been hard on him recently, anyway. I just didn't think that I could function with him unsupervised on that night- I was afraid that if he made a huge mess, there could be a big deal made of it if someone came in unbidden, and the way I had things made it easier to care for everybody and keep them out of harm's way or from getting outside. The cops thing really shook me up and put me into siege mode. And the kitty paid a big price, for the divorce and for the things that I did to protect us. I wanted to be sure that if I were arrested for some bogus charge or some other crazy thing happened, everyone would be safe and easily taken care of. Oh I just failed him, is the bottom line. Poor thing.
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Thank you everyone. I appreciate you help and support, as I am so isolated in life. I know that I failed, but I must learn from it and improve instead of giving up, as I was feeling like doing. I am so sorry about the kitty and his death and I cannot ever let myself fail like that again, ever. Perhaps I should have quit law school as was offered, and perhaps I should have handled everything differently- it may have meant the difference. But I can only go on now and grieve for the poor little guy and own my failure and the guilt that is my just reward, and try to do better. Thank you for helping me with this- I was drowning.
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I am glad you feel a little better Changing. Love Ami
((((((((((((Changing)))))))))
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Changing, honey...
Animals are not upset about dying. When it's time, they just do it.
Sweetheart, really. YOU DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG BY TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF LAST NIGHT.
You did the RIGHT thing.
Please, consider this:
The kitty may have needed to die. Cats know when it's time to do it, and they do it as wisely and simply as they give birth. This old kitty was just worn out. NOT BECAUSE OF YOU BUT BECAUSE IT WAS OLD AND SICK. So the kitty knew it was time to die, and guess what?
I think the kitty was waiting for a chance to do it, because it would have been harder to die with you beside it, distressed.
Cats often choose to die alone. THEY ARE NOT PEOPLE. They know, instinctively they know, this is simply a command of nature to obey. And they do it.
Only when we anthropomorphize them, project our own losses into them, is their death difficult.
Think...this kitty's pain is gone. This is a good thing.
And you have NOTHING to feel guilty about. No failure.
I know all about being a human imperfect caregiver. It's okay. Keeping him alive another week/month or whatever would not have been a gift. He found release when he needed it, and I believe he was waiting for the chance to let go.
Please let your guilt go along with his spirit, and let it be a fact of nature.
Nature is neutral. He had a good life with you. He was in a house with a person who emitted love. He knew it, whether you were in the same room or not.
Okay?
Much love and a big hug and gentle passing-of-the-tissues...please keep posting, hon.
You will have perspective on this soon. And you'll know it's not your fault.
It was a loss on top of loss, dear.
You deserve a good cry and a big hug and you are a GOOD Mom.
love,
Hops
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Thank you Hoppy. I just wish that I had done what I would normally do- my whole life and the life of the kitty was upended needlessly and wastefully, it has been tough for the entire household, and he felt it the most. This is absolutely the worst part of the whole divorce process for me, it is like the loss of an innocent during war, with the innocent being in my keeping. A truly stunning blow. I feared for the pets when my husband left, that he would cause them to be harmed or homeless. In my heart of hearts I fear that my trying to do too many things and to protect us all in my stupid ways has killed the most vulnerable pet. I am consumed with a sad dread, like the one depicted in "The Grapes of Wrath" when Grandma died and they drove on... did I make a mistake, should I have just surrendered to my fate, or stopped by the side of the road? I am truly a fool and my foolishness ended in death. I must learn but cannot make reparations- that really hurts. Thank you for your help and gentle insight.
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Dear Changing,
Hops is very right:
The kitty may have needed to die. Cats know when it's time to do it, and they do it as wisely and simply as they give birth. This old kitty was just worn out. NOT BECAUSE OF YOU BUT BECAUSE IT WAS OLD AND SICK. So the kitty knew it was time to die, and guess what?
I think the kitty was waiting for a chance to do it, because it would have been harder to die with you beside it, distressed.
Cats often choose to die alone. THEY ARE NOT PEOPLE. They know, instinctively they know, this is simply a command of nature to obey. And they do it.
My cousins had indoor/outdoor cats - every cat they had, despite a lifetime of love, they walked into the wilderness and did not come home.
Please, no guilt. Hops is right.
Only warm gentle hugs to yourself right now.
(((((Changing))))))
Much love,
Peace
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Thank you Peace. I only hope that I did not contribute to his death or any pain. I did not feel like this when my father died- I had done all that I could, my father had made the decisions that ultimately seale his fate, but now I feel that I should have done things differently. The kitty didn't decide. But he is gone... Thank you for letting me expose my guilt - I will not expiate it this way but will learn to face it.
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Oh changing. ((((changing)))) I am just reading now. I am sorry for the loss of your kitty, though I agree with Hops. And I know, and YOU know, that if you knew he was going to die you certainly would have been there. There was no indication other than his general age and frailty. You have no control over it. It is outside your control. You cannot control it. There is nothing you can do. Nothing. This happened beyond your ability to do anything about it. You cannot be everywhere and do everything and you cannot make everything safe for everyone, though it is a great credit in you that you want to.
And your exH sucks and is a dangerous creep. Not to digress but once I turned from reading a post of yours and shared with my H that you had posted your H would often tell you how he planned to kill you. We agree that he meant it - it's that obvious. Someone like that doesn't care about animals - only himself and the adoration that comes his way.
You have always (I am sure) provided a haven for all your pets and have continued to do so. Do not imagine for a moment that you kitty did not know and feel your love and never doubted it. We shut our cats up parts of the day depending on what is going on and they don't mind it at all. As Hops says - cats are cats, not people in furry bodies - they have cat ways, not people ways.
Please give yourself your humanity, which is to do as much as humanly possible. And you do. You can't do more as it is not in your power - and that includes anticipating things you cannot know, being there for appointments that are not made, and controlling things that cannot be controlled such as the natural and easy passing of an old kitty. Had it not been easy you would have been at the vet with him. You know that.
Protecting yourself is the right thing! You are priceless NOT worthless. Don't you DARE give in to that psycho and his creepy psycho mischief. Don't you even think about throwing yourself away! Going forward is the right thing.
You know we aren't here on earth for keeps. We are all just passing through, kitties too. The death rate of the planet earth is holding steady at 100%. The best use of our time is to love as fully as possible (NOT including throwing ourselves away, let me explicity mention in case there is any ambiguity on that point) and to keep learning.
There are a bunch of lying phantom voices from the past who are dragging at you and I'd like to see you tell them to get lost and stand strong in your self respect and self-knowledge that you really have done right by your kitty and all your pets and that you are right to defend yourself and live your life. It's true.
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Hon,
He wasn't happy.
HE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN HAPPY IF LIFE WAS SETTLED.
His kidneys were failing, they hate the humiliation of incontinence.
He was ready to go, and he took his chance and went.
You did NOT kill him. There was no "killing". It was a natural death.
(What's been killed is your marriage and you are shuddering from the N's violent effect on your own precious life, which is a long long long way from over....). Maybe, just a little bit, you identify with the vulnerable kitty.
You are our sweet spirited amazing Changing.
This is a very painful thing, but don't let it take on dark meanings.
Please don't. That's not fair to you.
more love,
Hops
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Thank you Iphi and Hoppy. I really do think that the stress and such contributed to the kitty's passing but it is true- my husband was intent on killing me if he had stayed, and has abandoned animals before, took a dog to the pound during his first marriage that belonged to his first wife because he barked or something, left one at a park... We once had a natural disaster here and were living separately- I had to go rescue his cats because he just left them at his place with nothing while he took himself to safety!The pets are a huge Achilles heel of mine- I could never leave them , get rid of them, or farm them out, mine or his, so I am somewhat like a fish in a barrel, as are they. He has no ties so he is free to do whatever he pleases,damn the consequences for others. Thank you for reminding me of the dynamics here, as I am in so much pain I wasn't seeing the whole picture. I am grieved but maybe less hateful of myself for having to upset things. I just wish that I did better for the kitty, and will have to live with that. He was a warm sweet boy.
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Dear Changing,
I had a cat who meant the world to me. She was my lifeline for a very long time.
She became sick. At first it was just a little vomiting, but then she became a bit listless. I took her to the vet. A week later she was gone.
I was absolutely heartbroken, and completely guilt-ridden, because I saw subtle signs, but they didn’t register until after she died.
I was so upset I called her vet. She told me that even had I taken her in sooner it wouldn't have mattered. It was her time.
I told her I felt awful because I didn't see the signs and she must have been in pain. The vet told me that it is very difficult to tell with cats, it is their nature, they don't feel pain to the same degree that we do, and life and death is a much more natural process for them.
Looking back (it has been eight years now), I went through all that guilt, second guessing myself, wondering if I could have done better for her. Today, I get a visual image of her taking a playful swipe at me for all that worry.
You know – she had this really cute habit. She would hide behind a door, and when I came into the room, she would jump up on her hind legs stretch her forelegs wide (she looked like a little bear), grab my leg. Smack me a couple of times, and take of running. I still miss her.
:::::crying gentle healing tears with you, I know what you are going through, they are our friends and children::::::::
Please hold on, allow yourself a little peace now. You are overwhelmed and it is no wonder, you have been through so much. It has been another tremendous blow on top of so much stress.
Much love to you changing
Peace
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Thank you Peace for sharing your experience (((((Peace and her playful kitty girl))))) and the information from the vet, and for understanding and crying with me. It is a blessing to me.
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((Changing)) Every kitty we ever had chose to go to a private spot and breath it's last breath alone.
Friend's cats have done the same.
It's like Hop's said..... they don't see it as a loss.... it's as natural for them as birth and kitty isn't sad right now..... kitty's at peace.
No longer sick.
You're a good kitty mama.
Please don't lose another minute blaming yourself. You're just overwhelmed..... and I understand the kind of overwhelmed you are right now.
I cried and cried when I missed a little tea at my 4yo's school bc I was being taken apart in a deposition, which had me a bit scattered anyway. I'd managed to stay for the little show but I never even made the connection that there was something to follow. I was just too overwhelmed.
When I went to pickher up, the principal of the school said..... "If You'd have just told us you wouldn't be there, we would have found another mama to sit with her." I just broke down right there in the parking lot on that poor woman.
It wasn't just the little tea...... it was what my life had become that I was mourning. What my children were losing OF ME.
What had been taken from us and I wasn';t sure if I'd ever live without being under siege again at that time.
Nothing lasts forever though..... right?
((Changing))
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Dear ((((((( Changing )))))))))
Truly sad to * hear * of your kitty having to leave you.
Can't add the tremendous amount of support and sound advice conveyed here already.
All I can do is offer my sincere empathy and understanding based upon the experience that was mine when my kitty had to leave me.
Even now, cherished memories remain in my heart.
Much love to you with a warm hug.
Leah
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changing I am so sorry for your loss of your loved cat. My heart breaks for you while you are in a mist of pain. Everyones replies are so true, I especially feel Hops is sharing the truth, it's not your fault sweet changing.
As time passes may you be comforted with the memories of your dear loved pet.
With deepest sympathy seasons ((((((((love and hugs)))))))))))
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Lighter, Leah, and Seasons-
Thank you for your help with my guilty feelings and pain. It is very true that I am overwhelmed and feel that I failed as a result, to do at least what I would normally do. This has extended through every aspect of my life- I have no dining furniture, no living room furniture, the rest of my life is ridiculous, I am still fearful of my husband and his guns, especially since I have learned of new activities and where he is probably living and with whom. Not a part of decent law abiding society perhaps, which may explain his desperation to get his guns against his doctor's advice- he may be living among outlaws with connections to less-than-honest police. There is a decidedly dangerous element involved. I gave my lawyer the information that I have and he did some research of his own, says that it is "interersting" but wants to keep the divorce as simple as possible, though he does make cryptic references to " Client scared to death due to currently unnamed reasons" (I didn't like this- I thought he should leave me out and just refer to him, but perhaps he is laying a foundation in case it gets ugly with the court, for bringing in the documentation about my husband's current lifestyle).
I usually don't mind the expense and inconvenience so much, but this has hurt a defenseless creature and I can no longer pretend to be living normally. I have spent my money and my time and worked like a dog, and my main interest was my and my pets' security and trying to go to school and make a ew life- and yet in my foolishness, a pet is gone and I don't feel that I did all that I should have or that what I did was correct. I felt that maintaining a facade of normalcy was important and added a layer of protection, and wanted to directly please my pastor, etc as well as maintain the secret of my life as it is. I cannot undo my mistakes now.
My friends are afraid of my husband and they don't even know the half of it. I have no contact with the pathetic remnants of my family and if something happened to me I am afraid that my pets would be put in the pound. The school has photos of my husband at every guard entrance. My one almost normal social setting is at church- they know only a fraction there of what is going on, and I seem semi-normal there. Still, I shouldn't have gone to that stupid choir practice and should have said "NO" but I don't tell people what is happening, was embarrasssed to even say that I was sick, and was contacted directly by the pastor. I did not want to go at all. I should have had the kitty wiith me that night instead of just crashing in bed afterward- I don't know what he may have needed, and he did want to be with me. I just thought that I would cuddle him in the morning. He is gone now, and the damage done.
Thank you for your help in seeing the whole picture and for being my friends. It means the world to me.
Love,
Changing
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((((((((((((Changing)))))))))))))))))))
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I don't tell people what is happening, was embarrasssed to even say that I was sick, and was contacted directly by the pastor.
Surely, hon, church could be one place you could share exactly what your reality is right now?
Remember, it's not permanent. It's a terribly hard chapter but it's not the book. But meanwhile, you so richly deserve love and support and caring company (and a chair to sit on!) not only here, but in 3-D life. School is covered in a legal and police sense, but what about the rest of you?
You would be a friend to treasure. In my experience, when people in my church admit openly when they are vulnerable and need support (as in, not "normal") the congregation receives that vulnerability as a GIFT. An opportunity to live out our commitment to be a beloved community. Truly. We appreciate it when we are allowed to help. We are all knit closer together as we take turns.
This is your turn, hon. No facade required, I hope.
With love to you, and gentle comfort,
Hops
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Lordy Loo, Changing.
I see so much of myself in you.
I started putting my children into my bed when I got really frightened..... that's something I never did before all this craziness started.
They were happy and secure in their own beds and now I'll have to deal with getting them comfortable there again, at some point.
If I beat myself up over it..... crush myself for making changes and doing all the other things you're talking about (not telling the half of it yet all your friends are afraid of your H) I'd go crazy.
We're just overwhelmed.... not crazy.
Quit being so hard on yourself.
This is a lengthy race.... you've paced yourself well.... the kitty threw a wrench in your stride.
Get it back and remember to be kind to yourself.
You're an extraordinary apponent and don't fault yourself for preparing for battle.
You had to do that AND you continued to care for the animals, go to school, pay your bills, improve the house and deal with the slow frustrating legal system while living in fear of your life.
You even took time to offer support to other people and I'm very very amazed at your ability to juggle so many balls as well as you have.
That many balls can't be perfectly juggled..... that you're juggling them all at once.... is amazing.
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Thank you Ami, Hoppy and Lighter for your support. I have been in churches such as you describe Hoppy, but currently I don't feel safe in expresing what is happening in detail. They have some idea about people coming to the house trying to break down the door, etc, but I can't elaborate as I believe that my husband remains in the same community, except he is now embroiled in a horrible and bizzare new lifestyle, which must be why he has tried to hide his home address, etc. I don't think that it is safe to trust the diverse people in a church or group therapy or anywhere with absolutely everything, absolutely trusting the "honor system". Still, I value their
My lawyer has advised me to have all of my husband's stuff taken to opposing council's office and left there, as I have devoted much effort and expense to getting things together and making appointments, etc. Tomorrow they are supposed to submit answers to the form interrogatories requesting basic information. I wonder what will come of this?
I have to take stock of myself and regroup. Lighter, you are so right about my mindset. Except I can't make things up to the kitty, he is gone.That is the torment for me. I can deal with hardships but not wronging that little guy, with no way to make amends. The thought is a thorn in my flesh.
Ami, thank you for your constant support and understanding.
Thank you all again for being there and helping me to things out. It has really helped me to survive.
Love,
Changing
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Thank you Lise- My guilt is that knowing that he was frail and had medical conditions for a long time, as well as newly added stress, I didn't keep him with me the night he passed. I thought I could make it up to him in the morning. Life had been hard on him recently, anyway. I just didn't think that I could function with him unsupervised on that night- I was afraid that if he made a huge mess, there could be a big deal made of it if someone came in unbidden, and the way I had things made it easier to care for everybody and keep them out of harm's way or from getting outside. The cops thing really shook me up and put me into siege mode. And the kitty paid a big price, for the divorce and for the things that I did to protect us. I wanted to be sure that if I were arrested for some bogus charge or some other crazy thing happened, everyone would be safe and easily taken care of. Oh I just failed him, is the bottom line. Poor thing.
Changing...you seem pretty blameless to me, there was A LOT going on in your life, as I read this. Sometimes, I'm not saying you are doing this, but underneath the self-blame is just a bunch of tears and hurt over the losses, struggles and weight of responsibility in our lives. Your gentle...it shows.
Question, were you the oldest child in your family?
Hugs,
Lise
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Hi Gadden-
I had a very much older brother who was institutionalized after brain damage from meningitis. I wasn't even told about him until I was an adult and my father wanted my help with the hospital. I have an older brother who is an Ivy League professor and businessman, very successful, a true genius and independent from the age of 16- he didn't come to my father's funeral. I was born late in my parent's reproductive years, and not too many years after they divorced. It is true that I was more protective of my older than brother than he ever was of me, and of course, the poor brother in the hospital- I felt protective of him, and his plight really brought my parents' N ways into focus, though I didn't know the name for it then. It caused the big break in our relations when I tried to help my brother. I have tried to do my duty by them, but neither cooperated fully, but I am more or less at peace with that. My father at least paid money and monitorred things. My mother semed blase when I told her that her firstborn had died. She hadn't seen him since he was a tiny child.
Both parents had substantially given up on their parental roles by the time I was growing up, so I am a feral person, lived in foster homes for years, and am now living in society among people like a lone animal in a residential area. I try to cause no harm, but I am isolated so I can be vulnerable.
Love,
Changing
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Thank you Shunned. I messed up in the one thing that is important- my responsibility to innocent creatures. I have to let go of some juggling. Thank you for being my friend and talking me through this- it is too horrible and I was going mad with shame at my failure and skewed priorities..
Love,
Changing
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golly, Changing.
Is there no way you could communicate to your older brother that some financial help would be much appreciated?
:(
Hops
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Hoppy-
This may sound odd but I never thought of asking anyone in my life for financial help. I have aske for help for others. I have tried to ask for my brother's help with our other brother when he was in extremis, but he was not interested. I also tried to ask for his help with our mother and her Parkinson's condition, she won't let me help her and is ashamed of me- she wants a relationship with him, though not with me. He wasn't interested, he said- his wife said he wouldn't even talk to her about our mother. No, what I really crave is someone who cares about me that I can count on- maybe to check on the cats and dogs, or to call if there is sonmeone breaking down my door, or to back me up with the truth of the situation if the police come. But there is no one. I never went to my brother with my on problems, and would only like to talk to him.
I never thought of this before- perhaps he thinks I want money? At any rate, he knows full well that I adore him and consider myself bonded to him for life, come what may. And it's not all over yet. I stil have hope for him and for my mother. But not expectation.
I do feel if I were more normal in my living situation I might have handled things better with my poor kitty and this kills me, but I appreciate all of the normal people telling me about their own similar experiences, and accepting me as I am. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, I am sure taht it was hard to relive those moments.
Love,
Changing
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Dearest Changing,
You gave your kitty such love and care. I still miss my sweet boy who was 17 when he had to be euthanized to end his suffering
from cancer. I understand feeling guilt while at the same time knowing neither you nor I have anything to be guilty about.
I remember how ill he was, nearly limp as a dishrag, but still purred in my arms the last time I was able to hold him in 1991. I still
feel badly that he did not die in my arms, and I can recall too easily times I scolded him.
He was coal black with beautiful green eyes, extremely gentle, and I still love and miss him so. I wish I had been with you the
morning you found your cat at peace, and ill no longer.
cats paw
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I'm so sorry Changing.
I have lost so many kitty friends over the years. I have NEVER gone through that pain without guilt. Ever. It always seems I should have been able to stop it somehow.
I suspect it's my messiah-complex. Somehow admitting to myself that there was nothing I could do feels really bad. Really out of control.
Your kitty probably went so much more peacefully alone. If you had been with him, you would have tried to save him--and with all the problems he had, he probably has been sick for awhile.
Don't you wonder if he has become a picture of your own abandonment by bagworm? I can see that he might be. All the tears that you have kept to yourself about your own pain have come welling up with kitty's abandonment. I'm so sorry. When you cry, let yourself pour out all the tears. I wish I could be there to hug you....
Love
CB
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Hi Gadden-
I had a very much older brother who was institutionalized after brain damage from meningitis. I wasn't even told about him until I was an adult and my father wanted my help with the hospital. I have an older brother who is an Ivy League professor and businessman, very successful, a true genius and independent from the age of 16- he didn't come to my father's funeral. I was born late in my parent's reproductive years, and not too many years after they divorced. It is true that I was more protective of my older than brother than he ever was of me, and of course, the poor brother in the hospital- I felt protective of him, and his plight really brought my parents' N ways into focus, though I didn't know the name for it then. It caused the big break in our relations when I tried to help my brother. I have tried to do my duty by them, but neither cooperated fully, but I am more or less at peace with that. My father at least paid money and monitorred things. My mother semed blase when I told her that her firstborn had died. She hadn't seen him since he was a tiny child.
Both parents had substantially given up on their parental roles by the time I was growing up, so I am a feral person, lived in foster homes for years, and am now living in society among people like a lone animal in a residential area. I try to cause no harm, but I am isolated so I can be vulnerable.
Love,
Changing
Hi Changing,
Thank you for the time you took to write this and update me. BTW: I too lived in a foster home.
The reason that I asked if you were an oldest child is because you seem so responsible. Now, from you posting above I see where it came from.
This morning I had a little cry just thinking still about my little white cat (your post brought it up, I hope you don't mind if I share my grief with you?) - for so many years I would beat myself up "why, if only" etc... I think all a happens for a reason, I hope so.
Lise
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Thank You Cats Paw, CB and Gabben For Sharing Your Own Painful Memories, Crying With Me and Understanding-
I have finally been able to work through the layers of inchoate pain and see the deserved guilt beneath- I was desperately trying to get things at my house in such a state that it would take 1 minute to go through everything, and 1 minute to get all of my animals away. I have a security camera now, and will not open the gate again for police. They will have to take the time to get in. I would just get everyone in crates and chuck them over my neighbor's fence if I saw trouble now. I had everyone segregated and their crates nearby. Only Baby Sammy could not be quickly dispatched to the neighbor's, and I have him in the dog run a great deal just in case, the rest of the time with me. I was afraid the cops would shoot him last time they were here, they looked back there and mumbled something! Oh God my life is a stupid mess, I read this and it looks likje I am stark raving mad.
My husband still has not picked up his things, and he and his lawyer have no problem with physical and legal violations. I have been having work done, and did not want the old kitty to get outside due to negligence from the workers, and did not want any major messes- I don't mind making things right, usually, but was afraid that someone could come in when I was gone, etc, and everything would be knocked off the dresser ( the kitty did things like that) or urinated or worse on the linens, etc or my papers, and something happen to the animals using this perhaps as an excuse.
The kitty hated to be segregated in the "pet" room, he wanted to be with me that night (he loved to sleep curled up tightly next to a person), and roam freely through the house every day as was his routine. The younger cat may have eaten everything as well as drinking all the water that day (I don't know)The arrangement was supposed to be only for a few weeks according to my little scheme and it looked like it would be back to somewhat normal early (no furniture in much of the house, but still free roaming) by next week , and I was mitigating his stress and unhappiness by giving him special attention- it seemed to work. That weekend I had a law school final , house stuff, and was sick, and I didn't do what I had planned to for him that night and he died. Any other cat would have been fine and cozy with no problem, but I should have done differently for him. I did wrong and that innocent baby suffered and died.
I do think that the problem with my husband created and worsened things and I do think this is symbolic, but my main pain stems from the loving kitty boy and my inability to make things right. I am also afraid that I will not be able to maintain my other pets in security - how did I come to this? I think if I had a normal support system, perhaps things would have gone better for the kitty., or i would have used better judgement...
I appreciate everyone's help and patience in assisting me to face this and work out the reality of the situation, and figure out what I did wrong. I was in too much agony to relally dissemble the situation. I only wish that I had gotten to him in time, or figured out another way of handling things. Thank you again.