Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: towrite on December 14, 2007, 05:30:01 PM
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Today I am in high anxiety, not having heard from two of the jobs I interviewed for which were supposed to get back to me this week. Living on credit cards. Then - when I needed it least - my Nmother called. Her first question was, "How are you?" Knowing I could not be honest, I ventured a "so-so". Her reply was - GET THIS: "Call me back when you feel better." I said, "Well, I can talk now." She ended the call with, "No, I'd rather talk to you when you feel better."
Is that N behavior or WHAT? I am steamed.
towrite
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Hi towrite,
It seems almost like you are in an emotional double bind about your situation with your mother's phone call and her response?
Glad you came here. It's so hard to wait, especially over the weekend.
Did your interviewers give any time frame for final decisions?
cats paw
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towrite,
I send you hugs ((((((((((towrite)))))))))))) and prayers for a successful job choice.
tt
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ToW,
I am so sorry your mother has no empathy.
She just poured pain on top of a vulnerability you shared.
Rejection, even.
You deserve better.
Would you like to talk about your real support from real people in 3-D?
I'm visualizing that for you. I hope it can be so.
Is there any friend, past or present, you could call for a little talk?
Someone who's enough of a friend you could just say the truth to?
"I'm waiting to hear back on job interviews, and it's really hard."
Who hasn't been there at one time or another...
Sending strong wishes that the right job sees you as the right fit and SOON.
love
Hops
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Dear (((((( ToWrite ))))))
And I was only thinking today about you and wondering as to how Wednesday went.
You truly do deserve better than your NMother treating you that way, you truly do.
Sadly, that is all too typical; blunt, thoughtless, cruel and empty.
Just what my own NMother would say.
Will remember you in my prayers over the weekend with thoughts of the right job out there just for you.
Please take gentle care of you.
Love, Leah
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Dear towrite,
N mother's specialize in "getting you when you are down'". We,always seem to have the hope that they WILL have SOME maternal instinct. It hurts so badly b/c they almost seem to get a joy from kicking you when you are down. How many thousands of times in my llife have I gone through the same thing.?
It always seems to be a "shock". though.
I am so sorry,towrite. It is simply a trait of N mothers ,I think.It is one of the worst ones,too. Love Ami
(((((((((((((((towrite))))))))))0
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I know how it feels to be rejected when you least need it. Here's good wishes on the job prospect.......just went back to work after four months so I totally understand.This is such a bad time of the year anyway when things aren't going well. My heart goes out to you, but when you feel better you'll not need to talk with your N mother, they just don't get it.
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towrite,
What a bitchy response. I just wouldn't call back. My mother also could give a rat's ass when I am not being perky and happy. I really don't care anymore. You are entitled to have off days and anxiety and all normal emotions.
((((((((((((towrite))))))))))))
Love, Beth
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Well, I wasn't going to call back at all. Like you said, Beth. But it worried me so much that I gave in this morning and called. Asked her why she was so mad the other day. She said she wasn't mad, she just couldn't "take it" when I was "like that" - said she was sorry but that's the way it was. Said she was calling to see if I wanted to go out to lunch for my birthday on Fri. I was really in a bind - I would not have called her back if I weren't so vulnerable. She always give me money for my birthday and right now I couldn't afford to miss out on that. I need every penny. I feel rotten for having called her, but I just have to forgive myself and accept that these are unusual times.
Thanks all.
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It occurred to me today that this N woman who gave birth to me is 87 and may be starting her slide into senility. I know meanness is something that goes along with it - anyone, correct me if I'm wrong. But she's been so mean to me since I was little that I'm not sure I'd know the difference. When my dad was alive, she was peaches and cream to me b/c she needed me. She'd run away from him to my house when it got too bad. Now he's gone and my teenaged NM is back.
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My father remained as he always was in spirit, no worse thank goodness. My friend's mother also- she is in her 90s with dementia, and sweet, wild, giving and adorable as before- even jokes aboiut her dementia! I love her.
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Hi Towrite! I haven't been to this board in ages, but always seem to find my way back here right before Christmas, as that's the time of year my N mother strikes hardest.
Your comment about your mother's behavior worsening with age is an interesting one. My mother is 70 - I don't think she's going senile yet - but her behavior does seem to worsen with each year. I don't know the reason, but I suspect it is mostly a fear of losing control. I started cutting her out of my life about 5 years ago, and rarely have contact with her any more. If I had it my way, there would be NO contact, but being ignored makes her want to torment me more. Lately she has been trying to "get to me" through my husband. She emails him with guilt trips about being old and sick and losing my love, that she's afraid of dying alone, and bla bla bla. (I should mention that I'm not her only child, just her only target).
Anyway, I think she's coming on stronger as she ages because she knows that as she gets older and loses her independence, she'll be less able to control me. I don't think she's afraid of age, or illness, or even death, as much as she fears not being able to control me to the very end.
I should add that the telephone response you got from your N mother is EXACTLY what I would have gotten from mine. I know that it's impossible to not let it get to you, but I find that I always feel better knowing that others have N parents who behave the same manner. It's not you - it's HER.
And you're not alone. :)
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My, that smiley looks rather evil, doesn't it?
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After some reflecting, my gut tells me there is something wrong with my brother, which, of course, NM isn't going to share. I've mentioned here before that I think he's having a breakdown - actually I prefer to think of them as "break-through's" 'cuz I believe it's a breakdown of the old defenses which have taken so much energy, and a break-through to the light that a different way is possible. You get so tired of keeping up the old walls - sometimes tremendous stress pushes you to the brink where you have to let go and then, only then, is it possible for a new way to enter your consciousness.
Anyway, I suspect, just based on the way NM talked when I called her back, that she either knows or suspects my brother is having trouble - he isn't bringing his kids by to see her at Christmas, which he always does, he's cut off commun. with me and with our cousins - and that's maybe why she said she "couldn't take it" when I wasn't all happy and cheery. My NM is so good at compartmentalizing - she's always kept secrets, esp. with us siblings. Since my middle brother committed suicide, she may be revisiting that with my younger brother in mind - just her fears, but - I guess those of you who are parents can understand. I'm not making excuses for her, mind you, just being suspicious of her and not using my old stand-by of "it's all my fault".
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Dear towrite,
It is good that you are NOT blaming yourself. Your M scapegoated you, enough. You can see that you don't NEE to be in the scapegoat role and that is very good. Miss you. Love Ami
((((((((((((towrite)))))))))))
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Thank you, dear Ami. I suspect being the only daughter and the oldest played a role in being scapegoated. Both parents did it, not just my mother, altho' she would report to my father all the "horrible" things I did while he was at work. She's a woman who appreciates only males - or did when I was growing up. Yeah, I was the "IP" - the Identified Patient who was responsible for all the family's problems. I was the one who was incarcerated in mental hospitals; I was the one who was the "trouble-maker" --- yeah, I know a lot about being the scapegoat. Thanks for reminding me. I had forgotten that part.
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ToWrite,
Just sending extra peace and confidence to you while you await job news.
I'm sorry to hear about your brother.
I can imagine your mother's fear, after losing one child to suicide.
(Not that this makes her any less an N.)
love and luck,
Hops
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(((((((((((((((((((((towrite))))))))))))) Love Ami
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Well, if I can just try to find a few dollars to get thru this month, the good news is that none of 3 positions I applied for have been filled as of today. They are all getting off for 2 weeks for the holidays, so the downside is I won't hear anything til after Jan. 2. Waiting is hard, but I am going to try to keep busy and get thru this with some fun on the side.
Gratitude28, I love your forthrightness. "Bitchy" is the word I wanted to hear. Thanks.
Happy holidays, everyone!
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towrite,
Thanks for the update about the positions. Was your birthday last week, or is it still coming up ?
Forgive me if memory fails, but was it last year you were in New York with you mother?
Happy Holidays to you, too.
cats paw