Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on December 15, 2007, 02:17:56 AM
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Hi,
I actually stopped posting for almost a whole day.
Gee.
I am dopey because I had an anxiety attack. Been so long that I didn't recognize what was happening.
It was just a confluence of things...
I felt the board was suddenly spiraling out of control. So many capital letters. So much yelling. So many tits for tats.
Now, that's a new expression. :)
I think also I just got overwhelmed, not all of it to do with the board. But with so much turmoil and toxic-sounding (to me) things going on here, it suddenly didn't feel like my warm safe support group friends meeting any more.
I had to pull back (hey, for me, almost-a-day is sort of a month!). Don't have really good conclusions to offer...I realize that I wanted to fix it. And recognized I couldn't. And wasn't really okay with that. Sigh. Homework to do.
Other things were here in 3D land. Sounds silly, but I think realizing my dog may be in her dotage too just hit me and was maybe a symbol of all the decaying, falling apart people in my life. And Sunday is a memorial service for a transcendently kind man from church, so brave with his cancer. Held his hand over the back of the pew a couple weeks back when his morphine pump wasn't doing the trick. He met death as radiantly as he always loved and welcomed everyone. A real loss for our community, and then Sunday night is my women's covenant group, and they've selected GRIEF, and I think I'm afraid of going. I'll go. I love them and it's a commitment.
Other thing is my D is moving very far away right after Xmas and that's sinking in. I'm SO excited for her, and proud of her, and truly happy for her. For me, I think I feel a big loss coming. For all our ups and downs, we've never been farther apart than a few hours' drive, and now she'll be only a flight away. But that's something I'll only be able to do once a year. What a change. But she's calling every day, excited, and we're close during all this, so I'm grateful.
Confronted my out of control snacking. Uggh. But I then decided I would get on the Net and not stop until I found one garment that brings me joy and damn the torpedoes, I'll buy it. My boss gave me a gift card and I bought a beautfiul cashmere sweater in a color called Blackberry....delicious black with deep blue lights. The skirt, well, it's too wonderful. In fact, here it is!
http://artfulwears.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=1&Product_Code=wh_xcvi2711minkpurplecord (http://artfulwears.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=1&Product_Code=wh_xcvi2711minkpurplecord)
(This would be my clothing budget for a year, but it made me feel joyful.)
Thanks for listening to a disjointed ramble. Sorry I haven't responded invididually much today, I'd like to. Will catch up.
love and more,
Hops
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Hi Hops.
I am sorry that you have been feeling this way. I do understand. The board has always been a special and safe place for me also. This time of year is particularliy difficult for me and felt confident that I had a safe place tucked away on the net when I was feeling fragile. I have found what was going on particularily difficult also. Had nightmares about Xn last night - a first. Dont need this right now and it feels like the conflict triggered old stuff for me again. About the grief. I wonder if us ~XN survivors do not carry a lot of grief. Maybe the discussion is an opportunity to release some grief for you. Ah what do I know. Sometimes I think I am so exhausted from feeling sad that I just dont want to go there again - guess if I had dealt with all of my grief it would not bother me.
I am glad you did something nice for yourself - getting that jumper sounds very adult to me. Funny, again yesterday I was thinking of how important taking actions of self care is to a survivor. I am sure you look beautiful in it.
Sending thoughts of love and peace to you,
axa
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Darling Wonderful Hoppy-
So many loses heaped upon your slender shoulders...and your favorite safe spot far away...
(((((((My Hoppy))))))) You have done so well- you have given comfort and love to a good person who was leaving the earth plane,you have given your fair daughter wings and healing, and you have found a fantastic outfit....what a woman!!!!
With all this clearing out, it must be the time for new and wonderful things to come into your life, if you wil let them....
Love To My Wonderful Wise Woman,
Changing
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Dear Hops,
Yesterday was bad enough on the board
Today has been like hell on the board
but, "oh never mind eh?"
That's life sometimes and we have to go through it to get to the other side.
Love, Leah
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Leah,
Despair, and confusion, and exhaustion.
Maybe we're all just so tired we can't do it just right.
Sending comfort, let's rest and try again.
The sun will come up.
Hops
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Its up here Hops, well trying to be up, hidden beneath the grey........ looking forward to seeing it shine again.
Can you have a look at YouTube Free Hugs........... made me weep and laugh at the same time.
axa
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Dear Hops,
I was away from the board from May'07 to Oct'07 --- and I have just been looking back at the posts during that period of time
especially the posts where someone is being falsely accused and horrible PM's and much more goings on besides.
These last few days on board seem like a picnic in paradise :?
Goodness gracious, so glad I was not here on the board during that period of time.
Much to be grateful for, that I can * see *
Phew!
Love, Leah
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I'm so sorry Hops.
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Hops,
No disjointed ramble, but writing that expresses feelings I can identify with. Thanks for sharing the link to see that lovely skirt.
Many things are falling away for many of us, and I hope we can find not only support for the grief, but help each other find those
paths that wind to transcendence and joy.
cats paw
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Hops,
No disjointed ramble, but writing that expresses feelings I can identify with. Thanks for sharing the link to see that lovely skirt.
Many things are falling away for many of us, and I hope we can find not only support for the grief, but help each other find those
paths that wind to transcendence and joy.
cats paw
Hello ((( Cats Paw )))
Love your expression of thought.
Love, Leah
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((Leah))
Merci for both- hug and compliment.
cats paw
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Much appreciated (( Cats Paw )) with a hug
Great to see you here again, truly, it is.
Love, Leah
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Thank you, Lighter, Cats Paw, Leah...
and Axa...I'm heading for the hugs!
and Changing, how are you ALWAYS so loving?
Bean, isn't it neat looking? (Hasn't had my 150-lb. self wedged into it yet, but who knows...). I got the color called Mink. Not very proper for an almost-always-vegetarian, but you know...
I think the color is a sort of taupey peary grayish somethingorother. I'll sport the "blackberry" sweater up top. Now, the shoe problem. I think what I want is soft slouchy lightweight not-hot boots ... for indoors. I have hot, heavy snow boots. Well, now that we mention my wardrobe issues, I have a pair of purplish clogs. They'd do fine. Gotta have the arch stretched though, I have arches like upside down Us...too high for lots of things. And can't wear heels or anything hard soled, ever.
I know this is trivial chitchat but it's comforting and I guess since I began the thread I can be mindless here. Thank you for the girlfriend chat because in part, that's what I'm lonesome for.
I feel better this a.m. Realized maybe another reason my chest went wonky yesterday was a food allergy (not sure what to) because the shortness of breath kicked in just after I started eating some...ta da...kettle corn. Dunno what started it but the symptoms did feel allergy-like. They also are exactly how my panic attacks used to feel. So maybe a bit of both? And...I had lapsed on the Cymbalta for a few days. Could be that just snapped in, and my brain said, Don't you dare. Dunno, but I'm on it again.
love to all,
Hops
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(((((((Hops)))))))
I know how bad those anxiety attacks can be. I love your skirt, and I'm sure you'll look lovely in it.
I love this thread. I think we need some light-hearted, happy girl talk.
ANd you just reminded me, I didn't take my medicine yet.
T
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Thank you, sweet Tay. Love you.
And you too Miz Bean...have you discovered Zappos.com?
xo
Hops
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Oh, Hops you evil woman, I was just looking through that website that has your skirt. I really like some of the things there. I like the skirt, but I don't really do skirts, and I promised myself I wouldn't buy clothes just because they're cute. They have to have a function, or they can't go in my closet. But it's so cute . . .
I love Zappos! Great place. After I broke my ankle I have a hard time wearing heels, but I like to have a little heel so I feel like I'm dressed. I also have to have some support in my shoes.
Going to browse some more . . . maybe I shouldn't browse anymore. Browsing might turn to buying.
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Oh Hops..... so hard to stop eating the Kettle Corn.... even if it makes it hard to breath... mmmm.
Gald you're feeling better.
(((Hops)))
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Right, right, Tay, you do NOT need retail therapy! :lol:
Here, here, was just going to say
AXA, OMYGOSH THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS!
Tay, I bet it'll give you what you need too...no receipts attached!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4
xxoo
Hops
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Oh Hops! I LOVE it! You're right that's what I needed.
I need some snow boots too. I don't have any . . .
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Hi Hops,
I'm celebrating with you that the bad yesterday ended happily. Good looking threads! Best love to you.
tt
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This is such a sweet and lovely thread... bittersweet smiles here, because it made me wish y'all lived nearby.
Hops... congratulations to your daughter on her move of advancement... and giant hugs to you throughout this latest stage of growth. And who knows... maybe the following step will draw you both nearer again, geographically-wise :)
Much love to you,
Carolyn
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(((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))
That is a lot. And with the holidays and emotions running high, I think everything seems more profound. It does for me. Maybe your daughter will gain new appreciation for you while she is apart from you. Maybe next week will be all about joy - you will see a birth, your group will discuss joy and the snow will sparkle in your yard. And I love the cashmere sweater AND the name of the color. Blackberry. Brilliant!!!!! I am sorry too about your pooch.
Speaking of dogs and clothes... I had to go to the Marine Corps ball and wanted to order something new for the ball. I took the chance and ordered it the week we were going. It arrived, no joke, one hour after we left the house and the neighbors, who were watching Henry, left it in the entryway in its box. I was going ot return it because I didn't need to buy a party dress for anything but the ball, but Henry adores boxes and ate through the box and snagged the skirt in spots. So now I have a slightly damaged expensive dress that I don't adore in my closet.
((((((((Hops))))
Love, Beth