Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Ami on December 27, 2007, 08:47:29 AM
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I have to write about my M, H and me. At some point,I started putting feelings in to my stomach.I I did not know how to deal with feelings in a "normal" way-----express them.
I see that my stomach aches are also a way not take direct responsibility for who I am, what I feel. It is like an alternative route on a map. The direct route will get you there whole and well. The alternative route is long and windy and there is a good chance you could go off in to a ditch. I see that I have abdicated my life ,in many ways.I have patterns ,in my relationship with my H that I "swallow' my anger and other feelings. His anger(rages) "prevented" me from being direct about MY anger. His "breaking" s/thing was more than enough to 'shut me down" when I was shut down(mostly) anyway.So, I turned anger and other emotions inward where it was "safe". Now, I have to take the indirect route and make it "direct"
Last night, my whole family joined in a "fight". The worst part of the night was not my M, who I know loves me( the best she can) but my H who is fighting to keep me "abused'(in my safe "spot").
With him,I don't see the genuine "love" of my M(even though she is an N),I see the desire to claw me to the bottom so he can have his own image.The genuine love is not there. There is caring and a feeling of "protecting",but it only goes as far as the degree to which I protect his image. If I don't ,I am thrown overboard,with no remorse.If I am angry, that does not protect his image. My protecting his image makes me one dimensional--no feelings, anger,sense of self, self esteem.I am the "wife". I look good to others and make him look good . If I do that, we have a "good " marriage.If I wake up and become 3D with feelings, then he must push me down again to 1D.
Last night,I saw the truth of my H more than the truth of my M. I did see the truth of my M.However,I saw how she simply was lost--under so,many,many lies.I still have a huge amount of anger toward her that I have to dispel,but down deep,I think that I forgive her. She really ,really tried to do what was best for me. She was simply too distorted to know what that was.It WAS all about her (always) and still is.
Last night,I asked my H to let my M and I talk alone. NO----instead he threw his dog(his problems with me) in the fight and started hammering me and trying to form an alliance with my M against me. That was a betrayal . He knows how much pain I have with my M. I was asking for space and respect. He did not have the most basic respect for me when he jumped in with both feet-- dagger poised The two son's jumped in,too--both on a different side(lol)
The WORST pain of the whole night was what my H did with my M .
He did not realize that I had gotten strong . He was shocked at my ability to fight.I learned how to fight .
My problem ,though,is holding anger(and other emotions) in my stomach MORE than it is either my M or H. It is that I am not whole in how I feel emotion and express it. I am "half" a person.I need to reclaim my emotions(all of them)--not push them down in fear. I need to honor my gut--first ---in all my relationships. This is "normal "living,I think. My Aunt does this 'normally"
I think that "normal" people know how to express emotions in a way to respect others and themselves(most of the time). They don't stuff emotions , rage or use addictions. They can own their emotions. If you don't own them, they will own you,I think.
My anger and pain is owning me and I need to turn it around and own it--without fear of dissaproval.
I see that I need to get on the "direct" route with my emotions. I guess that fear has stopped me. Fear seems to be at the root of most every unhealthy emotional pattern.
That is my goal now---to become a whole person(connected to my core) with all the emotions at my disposal. Ami
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Ami, you are in the midst of huge growth. do not get discouraged. It is not an easy place and it is not straight. You may encountered road blocks and begin to doubt your understanding that you have just posted about. Don't doubt!!!! What you have understood is right!!! You are growing, you are healing. Believe that and hold onto that.
I have found that once I recognize something as important as what you have described about your emotions, then things begin to change - all on their own - without my effort. It may be a period of great turmoil but it will without doubt move you forward.
I am telling you this so when you experience doubt you will recognize what it is and know that it is false.
You are healing. This is so very important. It can be painful but it is not as painful as what you have already experienced.
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I Love You, GS. Thank you so much for those supportive words. They mean so much to me, today, especially. Love Ami
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Last night,I asked my H to let my M and I talk alone. NO----instead he threw his dog(his problems with me) in the fight and started hammering me and trying to form an alliance with my M against me. That was a betrayal . He knows how much pain I have with my M. I was asking for space and respect. He did not have the most basic respect for me when he jumped in with both feet-- dagger poised
Ami, I agree... that was very disrespectful of your husband toward you and that sort of behavior would stir up great anger within me.
Is it possible that he feels toward you more llike a father (patronizing) than a spouse (equal partner)? Seems so.
Can you think of healthy ways to express that to him so that he may see your perspective?
Carolyn
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Thank you, Carolyn. I will consider, strongly, what you said. Ami
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I think that I am going to express my anger toward my M ,today. It is sitting in my stomach, anyway. I am not going to be disrespectful in the way that I do it. However, my anger, betrayal ,loss of innocence and abuse at her hands IS a reality and it is sitting as an elephant in the living room.When I have hurt my S's,I 'let" them express their pain to me. That is part of my amends. *I* hurt them, after all. They should not have to protect me from my own pain. i have always done this for my M. I have taken all her pain at any wrong that SHE did and "ate it". Do you want a good diet? Do THIS enough(lol).
I just want to express my "truth" for my own healing--not to wound her. Ami
PS I guess that a "workable " goal in life would be to honor my emotions ,not to betray myself,anymore-with my M ,H, or anyone. I can be in charge of this goal b/c it involves me and does not rest on another persons actions(or lack of them). That is my new goal.
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Ami,
Just another point to ponder, as you choose...
To varying degrees, I have experienced this *loss of innocence* in stages, in very delayed fashion, throughout the past 15 years of my life... and fought it tooth and nail, at times.
Considering the concept of *learned helplessness* has allowed me to see that what I was primarily battling was my own desire to remain childish (so much different from child-like). In other words, I was very resistent to growing up - and that's not innocence, at all... it's ignorance and rebellion, imo. Recognizing this has made the difference between seeing the world as a big bad place occupied by threats to my blissful innocence/ignorance and a smorgasboard of opportunity to make wise choices from an adult perspective which allows me (and everyone else) to make mistakes.
Carolyn
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Dear Carolyn
OUCH--- (but in a good way-lol). That was very profound and very, very helpful. Thank you, Carolyn. Ami
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Ami,
Thanks for receiving it in the spirit with which it was offered...
having been there, I can really appreciate the ouch-quotient, so I especially appreciate your ability to keep equilibrium while hearing it.
What I'm learning from you is how to actually want to be tactful... not just work hard at being that way, but to desire the ability... and I'm grateful for that opportunity.
Carolyn
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Dear Carolyn,
Your graciousness is a blessing at the beginning of a day that may bring many trials.Thank you so much for that. Ami
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You're welcome, Ami... it's the least that I can do.
Just so you know, I've been encouraged to renew efforts at communication because of a couple references you've made lately to having made enough mistakes of your own and therefore being unable to judge. I know and feel the same about myself... and wholeheartedly agree.
Carolyn
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Ami I'm thinking of you as you embark on a truly amazing journey.
I wish you all the best, good luck! ((((seasons))))
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I have faced that "learned helplessness" in my own life. I sounds sort of "ouch" at first but what I realized was that I learn because I was taught and therefore I could unlearn. It was a powerful concept. When I began to unlearn I began to have power. Before that I was living in the victim role; waiting for someone to come and release me, unable to see that I could unlock my own door and my own power. That is the good news about "learned helplessness."
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In Asia they use elephants for transportation, and tourist attractions, and different oter uses. They get the elephants when they are babies. Little babies. They tie them with chains, bit them among several people, stick arrows inside their skin, and torture them for at least seven days. After that, the baby elephants know who is the master. Then they untie the elephants and the elephants, with rare exceptions, never escape even if they are unchained.
Also, another analogy, after the abolition of slavery and released of many slaves, mane slaves decided to stay with their masters because they thought they could not make it on their own.
After living all your life with an N, it is very difficult to express your self.
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To add something else. Since communication with N parent is impossible, you simply do not know that there is a possibility to communicate. You do not know that communication exists. All your attempts to communicate are suppressed and of course expressing feelings. You do not know what expressing feelings is.