Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Lupita on December 28, 2007, 04:59:47 PM
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Ok, he just left. He spent the day with me today. We went to the mall and Borders and read books. Them came to my apartment, he took a nap and his cell rang. It was her. He left. Not with out telling me that the 31 he wants to be with her. GFM had told me that she wanted that all of us spend the night at her house. I said I did not want to. That I like my bed and to sleep at my house. She insisted and insisted. I said no. She went beyond. My son told me today that he wanted to spend the night at GFM house. I said that we said that we were going to spend New Year together. He said, we will be together. But I will spend the night there. I said I like to sleep in my house. He said, you come and sleep in your house. GFM controlled my son. She warned me. She said that she wanted for all to spend the night there. Now she is showing me her power.
It is one disgust after another. These people cause me a lot of bad feelings. I am just recovering from the morning after 35 pages of a cognitive book. Now again she just shut me. My stomach aches. Not only that, but, my son told me that GF has to be with her mother. I wonder my self y my son does not have to be with his mother too.
Another punch in the stomach. GFM is a bitch. I am trying so hard to be good, but it is one after another.
See? I always lose.
No, I do not always lose, that is all or nothing, but I have been losing too much too often lately.
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I was just recovering this morning. There she trikes again. My son is anabling her. GFM knows. She is a perverted twisted bitch.
I know, thinking error labeling, nobody is all bad or all good. This woman is driving my son against me. She knows it, my son knows it, and he is conspirating against me. I never saw him like this.
I want to vomit.
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Izzy, she knows I wanted to come home after the celebration. She is retaining my son. She is inviting my son to stay there. I wanted to come home with my son. Now because i said no she is telling me with her behavior, you son will, you will go home alone, your son will stay here, doing what I want.
She is constantly calling my mother. She said that my mother is a great lady. Despite that I told her that I did not ger along wiht my mother.
She is competing with me.
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Izzy, why do I have the sensation that you are scolding me? I do not mind if you are doing it out of love. But I hope that you do not get mad becasue the way i feel. I feel awfle. I want to vomit. I feel I lost.
GFM controls my son. I thought that my son and I were a team. That we had a very special relationship because other parents do not get to be close to their children. I felt proud of my relationship with my son. Suddenly I relize that a GFM has more power than all the effort I put during 22 years.
I feel bad because GFM controls her duaghter very well. I always lose. Even when I put my best effort and do all necessary sacrifices. Still lose.
I wanted to come home with my son. Not all the time. he does not even live with me. he has his own apartment. he promised to spend the hilidays with me. I do not see him very often during regular time. he just took a trip with his GF. He said he was going to spend Chrsitmas and New yra with me. I did not know he was going to sleep at her house. I told her a did not want to and she totally disrespected me inviting my son, knowing that my son is crazy about her daughter.
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She knows my mother bcause my son and GF spent one week in my mother's house against my will, I posted about that. She was calling my mother every day and still does.
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I am aware that the more upset I get, the more power I give GFM. It is very difficult for me to feel wel. I was feeling well this morning after 35 pages of book. But when you see the shit coming from everywhere, it gets the to point it is overwhelming.
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OK, thank you so much for your time. It was nice to talk to somebody who responded immediately. Like 3 D. Very very nice. Thank you, IZZy.
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Dear Lupita,
No scolding here, just something that jumped out at me from all you've written here...
if you have raised a son with a mind and will of his own, then you have not lost... you have won! Mission accomplished.
The problem would be if your son was afraid to leave your side and launch out into a life of his own... now that would be a loss.
I hope that you see the paradigm shift there and can rejoice in having raised a healthy, mature son into adulthood!
And I hope you feel better.
Love,
Carolyn
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CH easy to say. Difficult to do. Plus, you have a husband, have several children. I have no husband, only one son. My only child. No family. I am alone. I know that that should not be a difference, that I need to feel well no matter what. I dont. It is not easy.
Izzi, at 22 I was finishing medical school. I graduated at 24. Eight years after high school. Also my mother just married a man who was 23 and came to live at our house. That was my life at 22. I was a good girl and a good daughter. Never spent a Chrsitmas away. My first Christmas away was at 31 when my husband did not want to go. I was nothing of what kids are today. I married at 27 after graduating medical school, graduating music school and one year of postgraduate music studies in Moscow. Yeras later I was accused of flirting with my step father. I did not bring a stranger to my house so my son dos not suffer what i did. I was a beter mother than mine.
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Please, do not tell me that I envy you, because i do not. Even when I had my husband and the first year of marriage was very beautiful, i still felt empty. My husband did not fill the hole in my heart. he knew. Besides he was an N. Even if I am with friends, I feel alone, lonely.
Now I just have to move on, past GFM, over with her. I have to not care about GFM, i do not care about GFM, if my son wants to suck up to her, who cares.
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Dear Lupita,
I'm sorry if I seemed to be minimizing your circumstances... that's the last thing I want to do. No way do I ever think I'm to be envied, either. But you're right, my situation is much different than yours and so I guess that gives me no leg upon which to stand when it comes to sharing perspectives.
Two of my four children have grown and gone on to lives of their own, both far away. I am not first in their lives and do not expect to be, despite the fact that I gave a huge portion of my life to them in devotion. That is just how it is. I'm sorry that you have to endure this with your only child, but your own perspective is the only thing within your power to effect.
With love,
Carolyn
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CH, I agree. I wish I felt better. I did this morning. It is just too much at a very short time. It was all of a sudden.
He went to my mother's house ofr a week against my will with his girlfriend, he sleeps with her, he ofr the first time he is showing me he does not want to be with me on important dates, this is the first time. I guess after this year i will handle it better.
If he destroys his master degree and he marries her, that will be the ultimate stabbing that I will endure. I hope that I ofrget about everything and just feel normal.
What is normal?
Well I wish I had peace. Just that.
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Lupita, It's very difficult, I know.
I had a terrible time with daughters leaving home, off to do all sorts of things against my will. Terrible.
It's been a most difficult lesson for me to learn to love without control.
I don't expect it to be any less difficult for you, but I can assure you that it's a lesson more valuable than gold.
With love,
Carolyn
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To love with out control. Hmmm.
I will try. I am not going to call my son neither tonight nor tomorrow. i will call him on Sunday after church. We are supposed to have lunch together on Sunday after church. I will only call him then. Let us see if i can hold to my word.
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That will be quite a test for you, I know, Lupita... but you can do it! As painful as it is right now, you will soon see the rewards of stepping outside of that control loop, because it's like a noose in which mothers especially, I think, can get caught up.
It is painful as another birth, you know? I'm sorry it hurts so much (((((((Lupita)))))))))
Carolyn
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Me too, Lup.
I'm sorry and I really understand how you feel.
I have no husband either, so when my D began to pull away, break agreements, do whatever she wanted, I had a whole lot of pain. I still will be angry about agreements...she just has a lot of growing up to do. Your son probably does too.
What I'm wondering about the night is, does he perhaps interpret his commitment to you is to spend the EVENING? But not be obligated about where he sleeps?
I mean, technically, the celebration and sharing is just about an evening...where one sleeps is a different thing?
(Though I'm sure you're right, that wanting to sleep with his GF has a lot to do with it too.)
I'm really sorry, I know it feels like abandonment.
But I believe it isn't.
It feels exactly the same as abandonment, but that's emotion...what's really happening is he's becoming defiant, independent.
I was enmeshed with my D -- my only child. So I really can relate to your pain.
It took me a LOT of struggle (and still does sometimes) to let her go.
love
Hops
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Hop, that is why we never get boyfriends. Because we do not have room in our hearts. We love so much are babies that we do not leave any room for something else. Enmeshment? I guess, too much.
I know, we need to let go. I cannot imagine how you feel knowing that your baby is on a rainy highway driving with a uhaul, scared of the changes, getting so far from the only person who loves her unconditionally.
I feel terrified for my son. But like Izzy said, wanting to vomit is too much. The anxiety I feel is neurotic. I was healing a little, but it started again with GFM. That is the point. There is always something. This year was Dr. U, then the secretaries, then sixth period, then GFM, then Christmas, and the anxiety it causes me is too much. Not normal. Nobody should suffer su much for the normal problems of life.
We do. Why? FOO I guess. We are so f**ked up on our heads. That is what we have to fix.
The book says it is arrogance. We feel so superior and we do not get what we want and then feel frustrated, as a baby who did not get candy. But this is too much. I deserve my son's loyalty. But he is not being unloyal, just being human.
I still feel proud that I had a disagreement with you and another with CH and we dealed with it with dilignce, dignity, respect, and love. I am proud that in anymoment I felt attacked by you or CH. I truly felt like a disagreement. It is like if you are republican and I am democrat, or CH goes to the green party, we can be freinds and love each other. It does not matter who do yo voet for.
Rudolph, John, Mike, Hillary, they are humans. We are too.
I sound better, I had to take my anxiety pill. I do not usually take it. But the chemestry wins. So, if it is chemestry, why can I do my own chemestry on my own, working my issues. Hmmm.
I wish I could feel better with my own mental power.
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Izzy, that was wonderful. Did not bore me at all. I loved it. You are so strong!!!! I understand when you feel impatient with me, worring ofr things that are half og the things you have gone through. Maybe less tha that, maybe just a tenth of the things you have suffered. But, your strgnt kept you alive. You have inner strngt. I am trying to get it. HHHHAAAAAAAARRRRRRRDDDDDD work!!!! So, dont give up on me. I will get there. Next century? In heaven perhaps? Remember that I was sleeo walking through life for 50 years. I just recently wook up. So, in theory I am ten months old. LOL
Love.
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Lupita - you have posted several times in this thread that you started to feel better this morning after reading a particular book. I encourage you to obsess about this experience. The way to healing is to replace the dark feelings with the good. It takes a determination and an act of will.
Because of your pain you are obsessing about what is hurting. Two negative things will come of this: 1) the more you cling to your son the more you will drive him away and 2) the more you obsess about GFM the bigger and bigger the problem will grow. By focusing on how you began to feel better this morning and gettting out the book and rereading the portion that helped you start to feel better you can actively decide that you chose healing over obsessing over the wounds. Each time the anxiety and hurt bubble up replace them with the thoughts of your experience this morning.
We, the deeply N wounded, tend to obsess about the offenses from those we love. That obsesing keeps us stuck. It took me over 20 years in therapy to figure that out. So why am I [are we] drawn to the pain? Why is it easier to think about the offending action of others over and over rather than think about positive things - like feeling better this morning? I hav not gain much clarity on this. I onlly have a half constructed theory. But what I do know is that we get drawn into our obsessions over our hurts and it IS hard, very hard to delberately chose to think about the positive and let go of the negative.
I came accross a book this summer that was titled something like - Taking Offense is Satan's Power. Freedom comes from forgiveness and letting go. What makes this so hard? It is much easier to ruminate over the pain than to agree to focus on something positive. Take the hard road - chose healing tonight. Focus on that wonderful experience of peace you had for a moment this morning. Be willing to pick up that book again. Take you power back from GFM. It is yours - you gave it to her; now you take it back.
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God bless the inventor of valium!
It's not a weakness. You have fought hard and learned everything you can in one long session.
Now you're giving your worked-up mind a rest. Eventually, you will learn self-soothing.
GOOD WORK, Lup!
xo
Hops
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GS and hops, your posts are so deep that I have to imitate one of our posters, and I have to say I will think and get back to you later. My medicine gave me such a peaceful sadness , that even with tears in my eyes I have to tell you that I am speechless. Or maybe your posts do not need any response, only re read them adn digest them. Redundance again, easy to say, hard to do.
So, i guest I am reaching the last moments of my niht, beofre I do a strip tis in the board. I do not wnat to be baned ofrr indecent exposure, lol.
Night night, God bless you. You help me to night. Thank you.