Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Ami on December 31, 2007, 08:57:07 AM
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Alone and I had a discussion on another thread about 'yearning" for an N who has hurt you. This struck me as a very important subject--addictions to whatever.
I think that I am ready to tackle "inner space". I never really faced my inner space before,even though it may have seemed that I have. I was trying to climb out of layers of lies and distortions. I have, to some degree. Now, I see that I have to 'look" inside at what is under any addiction. It is the "me" who I have been so afraid of.
What is SO scary about me?
The biggest healing that I am having right now is by talking to my M on the phone. I am "with it" about life and people. I just had to become the "crazy' one in order to protect her. Now, she can be the crazy one again and I don't have to "stop it" by throwing my" body in front of the train."
I don't have to throw my body in front of the train,in any relationship. I thought that I did or life would spin out of control.
What is inside of me that I had to throw away and run away from? I have always been afraid of my thoughts. I thought that I was a bad person if I did not have" perfect" thoughts. I want to be able to think 'whatever". That is a big goal for me.
I want to think "whatever" and be at peace with it---not have the huge censor in my head beat me with a stick when my thoughts veer away from "acceptable"
I think that this goal,alone, will help to make inner space more peaceful. If anyone can relate, I would love to hear your experiences. Ami
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Ami, I think one of the hardest things I have done lately is admit my part in how things turned out. I say that N did this or that, but ulitmately I had reactions in all of it and helped to create the situations. I am not taking all the blame but trying to accept my part. Previously it was so easy to play the victim and I realize that I do it well, but I was listening to the radio and it was talking about God's forgiveness and you having to forgive yourself for what you have done. I guess to do that you have to be totally honest with your part in life.
I have a brother that is an alcoholic and on that is a drug addict. I was so proud that I had escaped these addictions, but recently realized I have my own they just aren't as visible. I'm addicted to pleasing people and having them like me. It seems since I have been working on that, I have been abandoned. Now did I pick the wrong people or have I carried my personality too far the other way? Thats what I'm looking at now.
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Ami, maybe it's just me, but since your mother visited, I'm having trouble understanding your posts in general. I feel very confused about this one in particular...what do you mean you had to become the "crazy" and now your mother is crazy...like I said, maybe it's just me, but I am getting concerned about you.
~Laura
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Sorry,Laura
I meant that I had to take on all her bad "qualities" for her---so she didn't have to carry them---projection. Laura, I do feel really "different", but it seems like I am getting better,not worse(I sure hope so). Thanks so much for caring,Laura.
I guess that I am confused about my M. I think she is an N,but trying to face herself, so I may sound up and down ,in the whole thing.
She is not a typical N b/c she is trying to get self awareness ,but it can only go so far ,it seems.
Does that make sense,Laura? Love Ami
((((((((Laura))))))))
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Dear Ami,
You have mentioned that your Mother is a professional Therapist.
How many years has she been a Therapist?
Love, Leah
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Dear Ami,
My mother is not NPD, but she is very narcissistic... along with other destructive personality quirks.
Maybe your mother is not NPD either.
If your entire understanding of yourself and your situation has been based on the potentially false premise that she's NPD, then maybe it's just exactly that line of thought which is acting as one of your primary addictions?
Only a thought for you... because I've been caught on the same hook about various people in my own life.
Carolyn
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Many, Leah--I think over 20 years. It is confusing to me now b/c she is owning that she is an N. She was reading Vaknin's book when she was here(She wanted to take it,but I wouldn't give it up-lol)
She admits that she "was" an N,but now is facing the N areas and starting to get a "core" of self love. So, I guess, she wouldn't be an N anymore?
Who knows(lol)????? Ami.
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One more thing...
I have never believed that the complex of personality traits described by Sam Vaknin comprises a valid description of NPD.
I think that what he has bombarded the internet with = descriptions of a psychopath.
There are other more level headed/ sane descriptions of NPD available, you just have to dig for them.
Carolyn
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Carolyn, if you could, would you please provide some links or info that are more likely N rather than psychopathic.
I'll tell you something...way back when, I discovered a person of my past had Sam V's traits...and when I'd tell people what happened when I was with this person, people would say to me, "this X sounds more like a psychopath than a narcissist. So, I think you HAVE something there, Carolyn. Sam V is a psychopath, not a narcissist.
Ami, I have only one thing to say. I don't know your mother, so please just be careful; whatever you do, don't lose your OBJECTIVITY. Keep admitting that what you are seeing/hearing/experiencing, is really the TRUTH...NOT what your M wants you to believe. PLEASE! I just have such an "ick" feeling in my stomach about this. I hope I'm just overreacting or something.
~Laura
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Dear Ami,
My mother is not NPD, but she is very narcissistic... along with other destructive personality quirks.
Maybe your mother is not NPD either.
If your entire understanding of yourself and your situation has been based on the potentially false premise that she's NPD, then maybe it's just exactly that line of thought which is acting as one of your primary addictions?
Only a thought for you... because I've been caught on the same hook about various people in my own life.
Carolyn
Carolyn
I don't understand what you mean by the line of thought acting as a primary addiction. Thanks so much for any clarification. I appreciate your help, Carolyn. Ami
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Dear Laura,
Please say in words what you are feeling. Do you see me going down the tubes or s/thing? What are you trying to say "without saying it". I respect and value your opinion, Laura---alot. Love Ami
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Dear Alone,
I am in exactly the same place that you are. I am addicted to people, approval, etc. It hurts to face it,but it is true. It sounds like we have a similar belief in God.
I am way out of God's will when I am addicted to anything.However, He understands that we are 'lost sheep"
Anyway,Alone, maybe we can help each other get through this. What do you think? Love Ami
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Laura,
I deleted all of my old info/links on NPD, and it's been awhile... but it seems like some of the most solid info was from a University up in Minnesota or thereabouts. When I get a chance, will take another look, but basically you just have to google destructive narcissism or a similar search phrase and weed through the volumes of Vaknin stuff.
Ami,
Yes, I'll try to explain my view of it all.
The old line of thought = "my mother is a horrible monster just like Sam Vaknin describes (NPD)and that's why I've been so miserable."
From that old line of thought came your understanding of your identity. You defined yourself based on your diagnosis of your mother as NPD.
So what if she's not?
Truly, I do not believe that someone who is bonafide NPD would read Vaknin's book and say, "yes, I am N."
Just take a look at what you've described, Ami.... it's as though you're saying that you have given your mother this "core of self-love" which she maybe is now starting to get? I'm sorry, but that makes no sense. Not if she were really NPD.
I don't know what she is or isn't, but what I wonder is whether you have been addicted to defining her as NPD and yourself as her victim. Maybe she's just a very narcissistic/self-involved, self-centered, thoughtless person who was more interested in appearances than in living an authentic life. That describes my mother... and as a result, she nearly raised 2 narcissistic children.
Carolyn
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Of course, anyway we can help one another. It seems like when I am paying closer attention to God things aren't as bad, but like most I have a tendency to slip when things are better. You'd think I would learn, but I guess I'm a slow learner. I use to be pretty regular about going to church and just trying to walk with God, but I let N disturb that. I am trying to get back there now and hopefully it will be my saving grace. I am not a preacher type person, but certainly realize the need in my life.
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So what if she's not?
Truly, I do not believe that someone who is bonafide NPD would read Vaknin's book and say, "yes, I am N."
Just take a look at what you've described, Ami.... it's as though you're saying that you have given your mother this "core of self-love" which she maybe is now starting to get? I'm sorry, but that makes no sense. Not if she were really NPD.
I don't know what she is or isn't, but what I wonder is whether you have been addicted to defining her as NPD and yourself as her victim. Maybe she's just a very narcissistic/self-involved, self-centered, thoughtless person who was more interested in appearances than in living an authentic life. That describes my mother... and as a result, she nearly raised 2 narcissistic children.
Carolyn
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Dear Carolyn,
What would be the great difference in the upbringing with an NPD and an N like M? I guess that it would be a difference in intensity of craziness---right? The issues would be similar ,but the intensity would be quite different.
Wouldn't a child be a victim of either ,but just much worse with the true NPD? Thanks, Carolyn. If I am being dense, forgive me. I do feel like I am maybe missing a few things. Ami
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Dear Alone,
I am not in to "organized ' religion ,too much, either.
My relationship with God(Jesus) does not depend on preachers or particular external religious 'trappings" either.
Love Ami
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Ami,
What I was trying to say, and I'm not really one who beats around any bushes normally, unless I'm trying to be ultra tactful...I'm concerned that your mother has you "snowed"
I am wondering what sort of N characteristics you believe that your mother possessed, back when you really considered her a full N. Could you please give me some examples of why you believe she was/is a narcissist or has the personality disorder?
My greatest concern is YOU.
~Laura
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Dear Ami,
NPD would rather lie than tell the truth, any day.... that's the difference.
Self-absorbed people do not necessarily engender craziness around them, whereas NPD always emits a fog.
A mother who is selfish and primarily about the business of keeping up appearances and covering up her own inadequacies may raise spoiled-brat-children, or children who don't know how to pursue intimacy, or those who engage in addictions of their own...
but NPD is in a class by itself.
I don't know what is happening with you, Ami, but I know what I've experienced here... in that I've tended to pick up on other peoples' situations and relate them to my own, at times, in an inappropriate way. It's easy for me to spin the attitudes of my mother forward into some of the actions of my npd ex-husband and even mix them with some of the accounts I read here, of people's sufferings at the hands of npd. It all can get tangled up together to the point where I am only seeing isolated frames of the bigger picture of my life... a very lopsided view.
So I've had to take a close look into myself and my own inclinations toward hyper-sensitivity and other personality quirks that I have, and let go of the whole "monster mother" theory...
because some of the folks here really have dealt with monsters -
and I've known a real one or two of my own, having married one.
Something else... when you really know that somebody is NPD and have dealt with the terror and abject emptiness that such a one brings into a life... you don't go out and spend the day with that person and have a great time.
It just doesn't make sense, Ami, but that's just me.
Carolyn
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Dear Laura,
Thank you again for caring.It means so much to me.
My M had- most (if not all) of the traits in the Vaknin book---no (very little ) empathy, projected all her traits on me, everything was about looking good to the outside, emotional maturity of a 5 yr.old, thinking was distorted(If you have one flaw ,you are not 'perfect" so you are "bad", have to do all things effortlessly or they don't count(school, apprearance,activities) amd many more that I can't think of right now.
She did fit Vakinin's book---90%---at least.
Even Vaknin says that aging can mellow out an N, particularly if the N has a rift with a child that the N wants to repair. I think that my M IS an N,still, but is trying to get self awareness ,so would fall in to Vaknin's category of N's who mellow, a little.
My ONLY goal, really ,is to see myself as different than she is and then go forward I see my relationship with her, now, as allowing me to differentiate myself from her --so I can "cast" off the N distortions that I took on.That is my goal now--to wrench off all the lies that she fed me and be done with them. Love Ami
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Dear Carolyn,
I hear you and I respect your viewpoint. I can see the difference between my story and Bones, just for an example. I guess that my goal is to separate myself from her to the best of my ability b/c WHATEVER you call it,I don't want to be anything like she(LOL).
I welcome your viewpoint, Carolyn. Thank you Ami
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Even Vaknin says that aging can mellow out an N, particularly if the N has a rift with a child that the N wants to repair. I think that my M IS an N,still, but is trying to get self awareness ,so would fall in to Vaknin's category of N's who mellow, a little.
Hi Ami,
This is where I disagree with Vaknin. It has been my experience that with a true N, the appearance of mellowing is only a ploy to get you back where they want you. It is a game. Once you are drawn back in, they will revert to their old behavior.
There is no self-examination with an N. If they admit to doing something wrong (very, very rare) or apologize (almost never) it is another ploy to draw you back in.
While I do think Vaknin has some good information, I have trouble reading what he writes due to his grandiose, inflammatory writing style, and am very leary of accepting without question what he has to say due to his lack of credentials and self-proclaimed N’ism.
Peace
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Dear Peace,
I 'beat her down" ,in a strong way(wouldn't take any S##T, so she backed down). If not ,she would have been exactly the same,so I really don't know what category she is in. I just don't want to be ANYTHING like her(whatever the name of her "condition" is). She is and always has been very repulsive to me.There is s/thing that feels "icky" about her. Maybe,it is all the lies. I don't know. I just want to be whole and extricate myself from any and all similarities to her. KWIM?
I just want to be free of any traits in myself that are from her or like her. Ami
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This is where I disagree with Vaknin. It has been my experience that with a true N, the appearance of mellowing is only a ploy to get you back where they want you. It is a game. Once you are drawn back in, they will revert to their old behavior.
What finding peace says here, I agree with, has been my experience as well, and is why I'm so concerned about you, Ami.
I do believe that people can change...even N's, however, I also know that 9 times out of 10, N's only change to alleviate guilt feelings or to create appearances as being the hero.
I do hope your mother's change is genuine and that you aren't hurt by her anymore.
~Laura
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I guess my goal is to SEE that I am 'me' and different than she is. That is really my ONLY goal,so hopefully whatever she is, I can achieve my goal.
She ,probably, is still pretty much the same as ever,I bet. I just wouldn't take any garbage from her so she didn't give it(for the time being-----bleh)
You guys are the best for helping and caring so much. It really touches me . Thank you so much. Love, Ami
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CB, yes that was what I was concerned about, and I don't think anyone with a PULSE would disagree with what you said about Bones' mother. (still wondering about your nic, Bones...where did it come from?)
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I myself have N traits, but don't believe I'm an N. I was recently thinking about how much time I have spent discussing my situation with N to my friends. Somewhere towards the end of the visit I'll remember to ask how are they/their family doing. This is certainly selfish on my part, but not an ongoing trait as my friends have pointed out to me. But I cannot continue in this direction or I would become very self absorbed, easy to do.
Also when you're around the N, as Ami has been lately, it's easy to try and forgive traits we know are wrong. Again looking for that evasive love and approval. Maybe Ami just wants to believe that M isn't as bad as she thought or she is willing to look at other alternatives to being NPD.
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Even Vaknin says that aging can mellow out an N, particularly if the N has a rift with a child that the N wants to repair. I think that my M IS an N,still, but is trying to get self awareness ,so would fall in to Vaknin's category of N's who mellow, a little.
Hi Ami,
This is where I disagree with Vaknin. It has been my experience that with a true N, the appearance of mellowing is only a ploy to get you back where they want you. It is a game. Once you are drawn back in, they will revert to their old behavior.
There is no self-examination with an N. If they admit to doing something wrong (very, very rare) or apologize (almost never) it is another ploy to draw you back in.
While I do think Vaknin has some good information, I have trouble reading what he writes due to his grandiose, inflammatory writing style, and am very leary of accepting without question what he has to say due to his lack of credentials and self-proclaimed N’ism.
Peace
Dear Ami,
Everything Peace has said, I totally agree with, from my personal experience with my NPD mother, who also has Psychopathic tendencies (as conveyed to my youngest sibling by her Therapist)
A few years ago, she feigned apology and regret ......... drew me back in ...... and I suffered double measure of everything suffered previously, in the midst of Gaslighting and dense Fog.
As for Vaknin's book .... I binned it long ago.
Love, Leah
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Ami,
Thank you for talking with me here. I understand about wanting to feel like yourself, and not some plastic image.
What I know is that.... If I were to maintain contact with my parents on an emotional level, I would not be able to continue moving forward. Even if I do express a few intimate details and they claim to "respect" my thoughts, I know better than to expect any real behavioral change from them.
Some folks just live in their own little world...convincing themselves that they're happy and satisfied.
The rest of us are disposable to them.
For instance, if there's a real ongoing emergency, my mother may call here, simply because the people at church have asked how we're doing... so she is compelled to fill her need, which is to get a report from me, like some news anchor, and that's it.
Why did your mother come to visit, Ami? What precipitated that? What did she say was her reason...? Why, after all that's gone on between you two, did she think it was okay to simply hop on a plane and show up?
I so strongly feel that there is something you're not sharing about all of this and I don't know why. Of course, you don't have to say anything... but I'd feel like a phony if I didn't say, this is still not adding up to me. Are you afraid you'll sound like a wimp after all that tough talk? What sort of contact limits will you hold her to from now on? It's not over, you know.... unless you're addicted to simply allowing things to *happen* to you... which is another addiction altogether (been there, done that, too).
Carolyn
Carolyn
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Dear Friends,
I am not keeping any "secret" or holding back of information, Everything that I am going through,I put out on the board,for better or worse.
I guess that my current view of my M is that she IS an N,but I beat her down--pure and simple. She IS an N and they are cowards. My FIL(an N), I beat down one time and he never bothered me --again.(By beat down, I mean stand up and be strong)
My M can be beaten down b/c she is a coward.
My goal is very simple right now--to differentiate myself from her. Every time I talk to her,I see more and more how *I* am different that she is. THIS is all that I care about--I want to get her off me like vile slime that has stuck to me (or I took it on for my own survival)
All I want is her to get off me-emotionally and psychologically.
I took all her garbage on( she gave it to me when I was a child). I just want to know that I don't have any of the vile slime on me, anymore.
That is it. What she is---probably an N who got beaten down--for the moment. That is how I see it . Ami
I guess that my happiness at the visit was MY strength. I saw that I ,finally, had the strength to not let her hurt me anymore.
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okay, Ami...
And now... what's next?
Another thread... about eradicating N spots in self?
I have lots to contribute to that :o
Happy New Year!
With love,
Carolyn
P.S. on edit... That sounds a bit vague :? I meant lots to contribute about identifying N spots in myself... which is a good portion of what I've been doing here for the past year and a half.
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Ami and Carolyn have a powerful dialogue going on. I don't want to muddy the water with this post, so I'm moving it to a new thread titled Teartracks, Parental Narcissism. So take that into account when you read Ami's response to my post which is now under a new thread.
tt
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Thanks so much TT.
When I get quiet inside, I know that she is STILL the same. *I* have changed ,though. The board gave me the strength to back her down and take back SOME of what she stole from me. Love You, TT Ami
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Dear Carolyn,
I guess that I would like to write a thread about how I am different than she is. I kept my sanity,as a kid, as long as I could see that clear ray of light. I used to repeat to myself, " I am not anything like she is.' I hung on to this for dear life. I drowned when I could not hang on to it anymore.
Now, I am clutching for that same rope,'I am different than she is."In that truth is my freedom. Ami
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Dear Ami,
I understand clinging to that rope. Just for one example, I spend alot of time admitting when I'm wrong, for that very reason... because my mother never has. Not once. Not ever admitted that she was wrong about anything.
I'm more like my mother than I care to ponder, and yet I know that those genetic ties can be broken... by the Holy Spirit.
So I keep examining the likenesses... disturbing as that can be.
Anyhow, I offer you my honest support as you move forward.
With love,
Carolyn
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Dear Ami,
To be honest, my thoughts are the same as Izzy's
having read this, your thread, 4 times.
And taken into consideration all your threads and postings to present,
of which, all in all, there are so many inconsistencies, too many.
So, Ami, honestly, how about just drawing a line, and simply start over, afresh, and tell it all like is was, and really is.
Respectfully yours,
Love, Leah
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Izzy and Leah,
About your suggestion to draw a line and start over...
I have a sense, a feeling, that is just exactly what Ami has been trying to accomplish here over the past few days...
or maybe I'm putting too much of my own emotion into this and assuming too much?
Either way, I cannot imagine a better time for a fresh beginning!
Happy New Year to you both.
Carolyn
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Dear Izzy and Leah,
I feel confused at people's questioning of me as if I am lying. To have N's in your life is very confusing and disconcerting.
I can assure you that any inconsistencies are merely my own confusion--not lying or deception. The LAST thing that I would have chosen for my life is to be on a board healing from N's.
I would want a kind loving M and H. Who would lie and make up a life story complete with N's(lol). I don't think so. You will just have to bear with me, Girls. Ami
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Thank you for your graciousness, Carolyn. Ami
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You're welcome, Ami... and yet I really must ask -
Do you see the many inconsistencies in your past posts? .......
or not?
Carolyn
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Dear Carolyn,
I don't really 'get" what people are saying about inconsistencies. I really don't. This is how I see it. My M acted like an NPD(Vaknin) for my entire life. I got strong ,from the board, and I beat her down(stood up with strength). She backed down. She may or may not have gotten insight(maybe a little,maybe none). I feel like NOW I have to differentiate myself from her, as my next step.
I don't understand where the inconsistencies are. She was beaten down and backed down b/c I was a "bigger dog" and she is a coward.
We had a good time b/c she was backed down and it was an enjoyable time b/c she was not "baiting me'(too much). Ami
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Dear Carolyn,
I don't really 'get" what people are saying about inconsistencies. I really don't. This is how I see it. My M acted like an NPD(Vaknin) for my entire life. I got strong ,from the board, and I beat her down(stood up with strength). She backed down. She may or may not have gotten insight(maybe a little,maybe none). I feel like NOW I have to differentiate myself from her, as my next step.
I don't understand where the inconsistencies are. She was beaten down and backed down b/c I was a "bigger dog" and she is a coward.
We had a good time b/c she was backed down and it was an enjoyable time b/c she was not "baiting me'(too much). Ami
Thank you for responding, Ami.
I can see that my previous sense of what was happening here was wrong.
Indeed, I was putting my own emotional spin onto this, as when I wrote here:
"I have a sense, a feeling, that is just exactly what Ami has been trying to accomplish here over the past few days...
or maybe I'm putting too much of my own emotion into this and assuming too much?"
I thought maybe you just didn't know how to admit that there's a possibility you've been wrong about the labels you've placed on your mother, husband, son, and others.. even others here on this board. Now I feel that you're not a bit concerned with whether or not you've been wrong, as long as you're allowed to freely move on as though you'd never labeled people.
And so I ask you, Ami... do you ever admit that you're wrong? Do you ever apologize to the people you've maligned?
That's an important question, because without a willingness to do that, what sort of foundation do you expect to build upon?
Thank you.
Carolyn
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Carolyn,
A label of an N is not a totally concrete thing(written in stone). My M IS an N,as far as Vaknin's book says. My H is N ish. I don't understand your point. I really don't. Are you trying to say s/thing to me that you need to say in a stronger way, Carolyn. Maybe I am dense, but I don't understand your point.
The label on my M is N. I don't understand the confusion, Carolyn. Are you asking me a question about us--you and me ? Ami
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No, Ami, I'm not asking you a question about you and me... because I have no expectations in that regard.
And it occurs to me.... considering the above, maybe I should take another look at why I'm even trying to communicate with you.
Besides, you've already answered my questions, I guess... you apparently see no problem with your behavior.
The thing is.... I've been wrong about people many times... both here on this message board and in "real life". Many people have not turned out to be anything like I expected and I've had to apologize for jumping to conclusions.
But I don't see you admitting to ever being wrong and, to me, that's a gigantic red flag. I hope that I'm wrong about you, but it feels to me like you are content to dismiss people and just move on, regardless of how you may have misjudged and wounded them/ their reputations. It feels like trying to build a future on a heap of dead bodies.. and that's as dramatic as I care to be.
Carolyn
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Carolyn,
If you care to have a discussion with me, I am open for it,but it will have to have more specifics or I can't follow it. If you would like to ask me s/thing about you and me, I am open to a question, but I can't address issues in so general a way. I am sorry.
Do I ever apologize--many,many times. However,it is reasonable to know what I am apologizing for. I know that you would agree, Carolyn. If I see that I am wrong,I will apologize. However, you are not giving me specifics, Carolyn. Ami
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Ami,
I'm glad to hear that you do apologize! I was really beginning to think that you never entertained the possibility that you might be wrong or that your being wrong might warrant an apology and not a shaking off of the dust from your sandals.
At this time, I'm satisfied that I have a sufficient understanding of your outlook and I don't see any point in asking further questions, but I'll be sure to ask if anything comes up. Thank you and Happy New Year!
Carolyn
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May all be well for you and your family in the New Year, Carolyn. Ami
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Carolyn, if you could, would you please provide some links or info that are more likely N rather than psychopathic.
~Laura
The best one I know I just posted a thread about with the link. The site is excellent, ptypes.com .
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Hi Ami,
I am very glad you were able to maintain your boundaries with your M, and that she backed down.
One thing I don’t understand though, you said the following:
She is and always has been very repulsive to me.There is s/thing that feels "icky" about her.
And yet right after her visit you said the following:
In the end ,we had a lot of fun together. It was a wonderful visit,full of learning and growth.
I don’t understand how you can have fun with someone who is “icky.” How is it fun to have to constantly reinforce boundaries with someone? You said (to paraphrase) every time she started to cross a boundary, I “beat” her down – how is that fun?
I don’t know, perhaps I am confused because I think of my parents. After everything they did to me, there is no way in hell that I could ever trust them enough to let go and have fun with them. There was never a time in my adult life where I could be free to be myself with them. If I even attempted to erect a boundary with my F, he would have done everything possible he could to demolish it. The thought of contact with them literally makes me shudder – and my father has been dead for almost 3 years and I have not had contact with my mother for over a year.
Peace
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Well, I can't explain all the contradictions.Peace. Down deep, I love my M. I always have and I always will. Once she respected me(knew she could not abuse me), I could relax and enjoy her. I simply relaxed and enjoyed moments with her.
I guess the answer to your question,Peace, is that there is no "good" answer with an N mother. It is (and was) an Alice in Wonderland life. It will always be an Alice in Wonderland life. Maybe,if *I* am strong,as I was, I can enjoy some good moments and have some warm memories.. Beyond that,I can't explain it.If I can salvage some good moments,I want to do that. If I am contradictory to people, I can't help it. It is what is happening . My goal is to heal and that is my beacon. The contradictions will just have to stay contradictions until maybe one day they may become clear. Today is not that day. Ami
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Ami: Beyond that,I can't explain it.If I can salvage some good moments,I want to do that. If I am contradictory to people, I can't help it. It is what is happening . My goal is to heal and that is my beacon. The contradictions will just have to stay contradictions until maybe one day they may become clear. Today is not that day.
Ami, you sound very much like me...an "in the moment" sort of person. Right now, THIS is where things are at...you love your mother yet feel torn a bit, because you're not sure whether to trust her.
I lived through those feelings with X as well. She could be this fun, bubbly, teenybopper, gift-giving, nurturing person at times, yet she had a sinister side to her that far outweighed any fun, gifts and merriment. It is very confusing, exhilerating and frustrating, all at the same time, when you see so many sides to a person and yet, a big part of you wants to believe the best about them.
i do understand.
~Laura
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Isn't that pretty much the same with all N's, we want to believe and keep getting sucked in. Until we honestly get to the point that we walk away, N's will continue to have a place to thrive. I know there will always be someone else, but it doesn't have to be us. I still get sucked in and am praying for the day I have both the wisdom and strength to see an N and walk away before I let any damage in.
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THANK YOU, Alone!