Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Lupita on January 01, 2008, 01:47:46 PM
-
Probably many people will criticize me but I still post it since I have been criticized all my life, it wont hurt more.
I was triggered all night long. GFM trying to control everything all night. Not letting me talk to my son and GF, always chasing me around, as if she was afraid that I was going to still something. Telling me what to do all night. Come here, why you do not drink, come and dance, sit there, I could not make a conversation with anybody, because she was always there to interrupt anything that I did.
Again, GF, just wanted that my son to be there adoring her. She sits on the sofa and goes down a little. My son then puts his head or lips by her chick and there they are all the time. Friends their age are dancing, talking, interacting, they are also boyfriend and girlfriend, but my son an his GF only isolated. If somebody comes to talk to them, she immediately stands up and goes to another room. Then, my son starts looking for her with his eyes, until he finds her. Then, either he goes to her or she calls him loud. Then he goes. She quickly finds another sofa to sit and do the same operation. If I try to interact with them, GFM comes immediately and stops me, interrupts me, answer any question I ask the kids. She never let the kids answer any question directly to me. In fact, I have never ever had any interaction with GF. GFM has plenty of interaction with my son.
At the request of several friends and pushing GF a lot, at 2:00 AM, she for the first time accepted to come out to the party and danced one song. Then, somebody asked my son to dance one song with me. Come on, dance with your mother. He did. Of course, GF immediately left.
Then I see my son looking for her with his eyes. He finishes one song and of he goes to find her.
I think GFM is trying to disguise a psychological disease of her daughter, or she is totally an N. The daughter is totally empty. She has no conversation at all. All the women last night were friends or family of GFM and I felt that everybody was ganging up against me. It was like everybody was attempting to impede me to interact with my son and GF.
Everybody gave me a bad look when at the end, 3:00 am I decided to leave and asked my son to come with me because he had had a few drinks and did not want him to stay there either half drunk or to drive.
This morning they were talking in codes. My son answering only monosyllables, yes, no, when he said “not my choice” I knew they are a team against me. On the phone.
We are going to eat together today, as it was a previous commitment. This has to be my last interaction with these people. I am sick, very sick, very sad, I cannot explain the devastation and desolation I feel. I worked so hard to raise my son alone, and he is abandoning me. And I do not say, physically but emotionally. I thought we would be friends forever. I thought I would be part of his world. Part of his life. Part of his family. The family that I never had. And my son has his own apartment that shares with friends, university students, he does not live with me. He only spends with me a few days for Chrsitmas and that is it. He will go back to his apartment tonight probably. His GF goes there all the time, they sleep together, the have a lot of time a lone, how come they cannot interact with me in a family party?
This woman will suck him up into her twisted asperger-ized world and narcissistic family. And nobody let me interact with her so I can build some kind of a relationship with her.
I lost. I lost again.
What is the purpose of my life? I do not know. I guess, stay alive just in case my son starts drowning and I have to help him. He might need me in the future.
Parents are supposed to be there, unconditionally.
I have seen my SIL to turn into the worst enemy of my mother. I am terrified that it would happen to me. My son will hate me if he listens to bad comments all the time. A lie repeated too many times becomes a true in the mind of a person.
I saw the other daughter of GFM, obese, around 300 lb, maybe more, with three children. The husband does not see his family very much. His family was not there at all. Probably they sucked him in too.
Today I gave my son a hug and told him happy new year son, god bless you. I felt the sensation that he was going away very far away for a long long time.
Please God, help me to do whatever I am supposed to do, although I do not know what. Just pray and wait. Pray the Lord for whatever he wants for my son. Please, help me to accept my situation.
-
Oh Lupita.
I am so sorry.
I don't know the answers.
I don't know what's going on there.
I don't know why the GFM is so invasive.
I do know that your son wants and is choosing to bond with his GF.
I know Lighter will help more than I can, but I am so sorry.
You are in so much pain.
love to you,
Hops
-
The only other thing I can think of is something I can't know...
and it's truly NOT a "blame" thing...just something I wonder about in case it's the missing piece:
Do you think it could be in any way some nonverbal messages that you send?
Like longing looks?
A heartbreaking pleading look?
A kind of fixed gaze where you're asking for some kind of intense connection?
I don't mean it critically at all, Lup, and it may be the total oppostive of how you "present", if you know what I mean.
I'm just trying to figure out why there's so much whirling and bouncing away from you.
Could it be that without knowing it, you might be sending signals?
I don't know if that helps at all.
Hops
-
I think that it's very natural for young people to smitten with each other like their Adam and Eve perfected.
That, of course, is accomplished by the magic of knowing nothing about each other past the magic that is hormones: /
It's also natural to feel threatened and upset by the new situation... it seems to be coming between you and your son.
The thing is..... he's sort'a been set up bc he already deems you as an overprotective mother hen, bent on making him look and feel foolish with your efforts.
Your his mother for goodness sake, it's your job to be protective.
Now, that said.... he's got little miss smitten and insecure whispering sweet nothings into his ear.
That works on him too.
How can you change the dynamic where you've been labled a meddling overprotective mama, trying to keep the strings on your boy?
Step back.... he's a young man now, living on his own.
The hormonse aren't going to change.... they're here to stay for a while.
How to interject some reality..... and I've already said this but don't mind saying it again....
how to get him to look so he'll see?
If he feels you're trying to control him..... he'll continue to be blind to what you have to say.
If he thinks you've retreated and are giving him space to be a man.... making his own decisions...... (he wants to feel understood too, Lupita... just like you) then he might be able to see more clearly.
You have to stop making him feel controlled and for goodness sake don't make him feel that he has to defend his lady insecure.
He's got some growing and learning to do. You can't do that for him, unfortunately.
(((Lupita))) So sorry NewYears Even went so badly for you. It does sound like you need to change the dynamics.
-
Or is it possibly jealously for the closeness you and your son have/had. She may see you as a threat and needs to remove you. Don't know the answers on how to prevent it, but just a thought. I'm so sorry I thought about you last night and hope all was going well, again wish it had turned out better. You've done such a great job on your own, raising your son. Keep saying your prayers and hopefully this to shall pass.
-
No, I do not thik so. Just manipulation, plain manipulation. That is the way of living of that GFM. That is the way she is.
And her D has learned. But there has to be something in that girl, she is mute, like sick.
-
I am so sorry, Lupita.
I think of how the N, brainwashed and 'took' my daughter from me---things were never the same again and still aren't
That is not good news for you to hear, but girl friend sounds like an N, and your son just sounds over-sexed--she is too available.
I recall when I was dating Joe, there was no way I was comfortable at his mother's house when we wanted to have sex. I allowed mother to win to save my reputation.---but (I should write a song about this) "Under the Sumac Trees" a nicely wooded area about a "block" away is where we went once, and what was even worse, his two brothers were walking up the road (street_unpaved)when we were coming out and I'm smoothing my hair.
The teasing from them, being men, was worse than mother knowing, but likely mother approved as she liked me.
(Sometimes I go by a person's past. Momma had a husband and 4 kids: the husband died (war hero). She had an affair and 1 child from that. Then she married Joe's father and had 5 kids There was a bunch of ½ siblings in there, but to me they were all family, and were a loving family and mt time with Joe and his family, I felt I finally had one.)
Sorry, I got carried away.
Take some quiet time to think about your options, Lupita
Love
Izzy
-
I feel bad for all I suffered last night. I feel bad for all I was thinking. I really feel bad with GFM. There has to be a reason. She is just like my mother.
GFM was constantly bombarding me about she wanted my son to protect her daughter, and how much she wanted my son to take care fo her daughter, and many things like that. Like GF was incapable of taking care of her self and she was mentally retarded. Since she did not let me talk to her, I really thought that she was sick.
Well now I changed my mind. After dinner at a nice restaurant, we went to her home and I was ready to go, but she wanted to invite me coffee. I decided to stay for a moment but she is good at manipulating. So, I stayed for longer. Four hours. The kids came to the kitchen and she started asking them questions. She wanted to get a marriage proposal from my son. She started saying that what was going to be the future, that she was worried about her daughter, etc. My son defended him self with flying colors. He said that he did not want to wait too much but he wanted to know her better. He said that he loved her very much and that he would like to spend his life with her. But he never said he wanted to marry her. Nobody got mad, and I was so proud. Then GFM said that I was worried too much about them having children and ruining their careers. My son said that he is not planning to have children in the next ten years. That his father had him at 36 and he wanted to build a career before having children. He also said that he did not want to work at Borders or Music store for 10.00 and hours for the rest of his life because of a kid. He said, I do not want kids now, I will not quit school, I will not be a bom. I was so proud. Then , she said that she also wants to finish school. She was not looking that happy then, probably because she was expecting a yes, I will take care of you. Then GF said that she wanted to be financially responsible and a professional. That made me feel comfortable. Then GFM attacked me, or I considered it an attack, she said, “your mother is full of bad attitudes, she complains too much and being very negative. My son said, she is the way she is because of the life she has been given, and she will not change and I love her and accept her. You have no idea what my mother has been though. Then I said that I wanted more opportunities to interact with GF. And also that I was tired to be asked if I liked her by many relatives and friends. I said I do not know if she is going to accept me in her house, if she wanted my company, or if she was going to love me. So, I could not say if I liked her or not until I knew that she was going to be nice to me. My son said that he will never cut me off his life. And GF said that she was going to take care of her mother when old and my son said that he was going to choose my nursing home. It is OK. I already knew what I needed to know. I did not know that my son was so smart. He is not a baby anymore and he still loves me.
It is so hard, and Izzy made a very correct comment that GF is too available. So, anyway, my son told me that he will stay with her as long as she loves him. I have to accept that he is not being taken advantage and that he is not a baby, that he can take care of him slef and that if he needs help I will be there.
I think that God gave me this afternoon. Still, I feel very worried, but not as much as I was. When I said good bye, I gave a hug to GF and told her that I wanted company, and that is the most valuable gift that I appreciate. GFM gave me a hug too. I came home and my son came two hours later. He told me at home that he wants to marry her. I told him that GF needs a lot of attention and I did not know how much he was going to put up with that. He said that he will know with time. Then he said that he will not marry her too soon. He said, I will not cut my self unless I have to. He also told me that he has constant fear of abandonment from her and she gets very irritated with that. And then I remember her telling him, if you keep telling me if I am going to abandon you, I will. So I told my son not to tell her that.
My point is that my son is not as naïve as I thought. I was surprised. I still feel a lot of anxiety but feel much better. My son said that I have to fix my problems not his. He is right. He is sleeping now, and going back to his apartment tomorrow. Classes start next Monday again. I am not happy, but not that fearful like last night.
Thank you for all your opinions. I did not expect this conversation today. Still, not happy. Probably because I cant accept my son is soon leaving from under my protecting wings and be on his own with a serious relationship. I have to pray a lot.
-
Hi Lupita
I find your post interesting. There appears to be a lot of good in what you have written It would appear to me that you have no time to have a get together alone with the GF, to get to know her.
Your son had much to say, there was no fighting, he 'stood up' for you and seems to know what he wants, but he might have to work on his abandonment inssues.
I still cannot pick up on anything about the GF, except she is always with him.
What do you thinik it is that still makes you not happy?
Love
Izzy
-
I feel very remorceful that I made my son come home with me last night. I think I blew his dignity in front of GF family and friends. I know I had to enforce my boundaires with GFM that she had to know that she cannot have more power than me. I feel bad for that. I felt so threaten. I will never ask my son to do that again. I will ask him to spend only Christmaswith me. New Year I will let him go with his freidns and GF.
I feel very bad about me telling my son what to do. I am underestimating him and he feels that.
I am not mad that GF gives him the validation he needs. I am mad at my self for being selfish with my son.
Am I being normal? Am I too controlling? Am I destroying my son's manhood?
I will step back immediately. I will try. Probably not very successfully but I will try.
Now GFM knows that my son loves me. GF knows that my son loves me. GFM knows that I will fight for what I consider is mine. The light of my life, the purpose of my efforts. She knows now that I am not weak.
Still feel bad for my son. GF looks up to him and I made him come home with me. But today, after dinner and conversation I came home and did not ask him when he was coming home. I called him after midnight because it is an hour driving and I was worried if he was going to sleep here or in his apartment. He decided to come here. I think toniht is his last night in my apartment. Going back to his home close to university and with other students. Going back to normality. I will see him after church on Sunday as usual.
I need somebody to tell me that I am not a bad mother. But I need somebody to tell me the truth too. He said he loved me. That means I am not that bad. I do not tell my mother "I love you", it does not come out of my mouth. Just does not come out.
-
Izzy, that she does not talk, she does not communicate, and my son has to work hard at getting how she feels about things. Also that she wants too much attention. But, I understand that it is something they have to work out. Not me. I cannot be their therapist. "Conflict of interest" and Bias. I know that My son has to decide if he can put up with her. Not me. I feel bad. I am a roller coaster of emotions. I am too vulerable, needy and sensitive. Yikes!!!!
Gosh I am disliking my slef so much!!!!!
-
Lupta,
Please don't take on all the responsibility. I think you are better off than you realize.
All I see as a problem is the GF lack of communication---now you know that Your son must not know very much about her.
I think you might benefit from learning how to Let Go with Love, for your son, and the thought came to me, that if he doesn't ever get to know her and what/who she is he might dump her.
Hang in there and give yourself a break.
Love
Izzy
-
Lupita,
I am SO GLAD you had this last interaction with your son and is GF and GFM. It really rounds out the picture doesnt it? Hearing about it was a jolt to me--it looks like they are BOTH needy in the relationship. It seems, to me, like a typical first love and has a lot of dysfunction in it. I don't know that it will continue to marriage--I see a lot of clues that it might not. I think you are doing a great job of emotionally detaching. I know it is hard.
Don't beat yourself up about asking your son to come home. He sounds like he knows how to do what he wants. He may use your request as an excuse to not spend the night with her (so you may think it is your "fault"), but he knows how to stay there even if you don't want him to. I suspect he did exactly what he wanted to.
I also wondered if GF's discomfort when her mother was grilling your son might have been embarassment at her mother's brazenness? I have seen mothers do this, and it is very uncomfortable for the girl. Picture that girl on this board complaining about her mom. I can see it.
This week will be my first to spend without any kids, Lupita. Yikes! I think I'm going to be okay because I am going to be very busy. But it certainly is a bit of an emotional jolt. And at the same time, I feel some relief over having some space for a bit. I suspect I'll be ready for them all to come home next week.
Love you, Lupita,
CB
-
Overall, Lup, in spite of the emotional discomfort, I think this is fantastic good news.
Your son's affirmation of his love and commitment to you,
the GFM being nosy but at least coming across as human,
you being honest and open, hugs being exchanged,
and ESPECIALLY your son's ability to claim his independence
(from all 3 of you) to make his own decisions--including about fatherhood.
I am so proud of you.
You've raised a wonderful young man. Now please let him learn his own lessons.
He will thank you for loving and supporting him in whatever decisions he makes.
Truly, he will. You'll be closer than ever your whole lives, if you let him go now.
lots of love,
Hops
-
Whew!
And...... maybe buy him a simple age appropriate book on communication and mate selction?
What was that one...... GETTING THE LOVE YOU NEED.... was that the name?
I bet there are others here who have better suggestions on a title but..... your son sounds like he's got the basics right.
And you were right about the kind of pressure you felt he was under.
So glad to hear gf said she wants to finish school and have her own career.
That's the best thing she could do for herself and I think your son surprised everyone in that room: )
-
Thank you for encouraging me. God bless you. Today my son is going back to his apartment. He is out now but he has to come back to get his piano, his books, etc. He has a very nice weak snoring little noice. It gives me so much peace to hear that, during nights that he is here and I cannot sleep. It is so relaxing. Why do they have to grow up?
-
Hi Lupita,
I am sorry you feel excluded from your son's life. I think it is difficult to endure the exclusion you feel. I had hoped to be closer to my son but realise that they move on with their lives. I am sorry that your son has not met a girl who is respectful to you.
axa
-
Thank you Axa. I think he is including me as much as he can. Christmas, new year and Sunday lunchs. He says that the majority of his classmates do not see thier parents as often as he sees me. So, I guess I am lucky.
After several days together this vacation, I am going to miss him a lot. He is a good boy.
-
He has a very nice weak snoring little noice. It gives me so much peace to hear that
Ah, Lupita,
I too am one who feels such peace and comfort from the gentle snore in the night. It has, however, been some time--
Ah, but not No. I came partially awake to gentle snoring a few weeks back and was so comforted. Who was in bed with me? Nuts! I was snoring, likley more loudly. and awakened myself gradually.
sinuses
Izzy
-
You teased me again. LOL.
-
Hi Lupita,
I read what you wrote twice. Wow! What a son. He is quite an extraordinary person. I think you must have done a terrific job in raising him.
Ummm, is it just me, or is GFM a tad on the interfering side? :roll:
I dunno, I guess I might do the same for my daughter if I were concerned – although I can’t say I would insist on a marriage proposal for her – kinda ewwww that (but maybe that is just me).
You said she accused you of being negative. I agree with you that that was an attack. Bravo again to your son – what an incredibly mature response. Funny thing – your “negativity” (as she called it) seems to me to be a way of protecting your son. How is that different from her negativity in attacking you (seems somewhat contradictory to me) and her desire to protect her daughter?
Overall though, I am really, really impressed with your son; very, very wise for his age. I hope that my daughters have that much wisdom at the same age.
Well done Lupita!
Much love,
Peace
-
With sadness I am writing this post. I think that I screwed up my son’s relationship. He was very anxious. She was on the phone acting very strangely. He said what is wrong. As usual she did not answer. GFM just called me to tell me that she kept talking to GF al day today. I told her to stop bothering the kids, that we cannot live like 50 years ago. Now I think I precipitated the anxiety of GFM by encouraging my son to express his desire of not having children soon and to know his GF better before he commits to an engagement. I have the feeling that she is going to give him an ultimatum. GFM is such an N. I really dislike her. I am so sad that because my son included me, now, his relationship might end. And I am just assuming, because I also felt very mysterious tone in GFM call. She is mad because I enforced my boundaries on New Year’s eve. Now she will make us suffer.
That family is so full of drama, I feel so bad with them, GFM triggers me so much.
FP, thank you. Now I am going to post to find a girl friend. Do you have a girl 20 to 22? LOL, just kidding. Now I feel anxious too.
-
You know, Lupita...
I was wondering what his little display in that kitchen would cost him.... what kind of price would gf exact?
She's not so available anymore.
You need to keep your head down and this is where you can defend her irrational behavior (just a tiny bit....) so he's free to express his frustration. NOT ONE CRITICISM and I sure hope you can help it. If anything.... let him know how proud you are that he's his own man, capable of making responsible decisions and back him up that way.
If your son and gf didn't know each other before.... they're fixing to get a pretty good look at each other.
-
Dear Lupita,
I don’t know what to say entirely, except that from what you have written, I don’t see you as precipitating this problem at all – I see GFM as doing that all by herself.
I believe that your son is wise enough to see that as well.
If their relationship takes a turn for the worse because of GFM, it may hurt him in the short run – but perhaps it is better that the GFM interfering nature comes out now rather than later (like after they are married).
I still cannot imagine ever insisting that a man my daughter is dating propose marriage to her. Is that me? I am wrong? For her, I would want her future husband to know without a shadow of a doubt that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her (and the same for my daughter). Maybe if they had been dating for 7 years – how long have they been dating?
Peace
-
three months!!!!!!! This woman is crazy.
-
I know that in the long run he will be happy if he knows that GFM is going to interfere the rest of her life in their relationship. But still, this is only his second girlfriend and although I am not totally responsible, I probably triggered GFM and she really si crazy. I mean, she has to have a personality disorder.
Like do you want coffee with cream, no thanks I am allergic to cream, OK here is your coffee with cream exactly like you asked me. And many other things that she does. I am getting very sick right now. My stomach ache is starting.
-
three months
:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:
Well now, at least IMO, that is just plain scary.
I think you have a very good grasp on the situation with GFM Lupita. Whether or not you triggered her doesn't matter in my view - what matters it that she was capable of being triggered.
Three months!!!!!!!!!!!!! :shock:
I do think it would be smart to step back at this point and see how your son deals with the GFM ultimatum. From what you have written of your son, I have a lot of confidence that he will be able to see the situation for what it is.
Peace
-
Lighter, do you think that My son or I did something wrong?
Do you think that he should have offer marriage immediately after three months of texting eachother every ten minutes like 12 years old?
I really think that GFM is only showing the tip of the iceberg. I am sorry for my son and that I had something to do with it if I did.
But, still, what do youthink he or I could have done different?
FP thank you. I agree with you. It is going to be good if now rather than fater amrriage. Because my son already told me he wanted to marry her but not now, until he finishes his acreer and is doing his master degree. I thought that was a good plan. He laso told GFM and GF in my presence taht he wante to spend the rest of his life with her. What else does this woman wants?
-
It doesn't matter what GFM wants imo, Lupita.
I think she's acting like a used-car salesman and your son is the customer.
Her daughter seems voiceless...you mentioned "mute". No wonder with such a Mom.
He's driven the car, kicked the tires, but hasn't decided what is best for himself.
Bottom line: it makes his GF an object to be traded, and your son a prize to be trapped or negotiated over.
Neither of them belongs to anyone.
I think the most important thing is to take yourself out of it.
I think there are real boundary issues going on all over the place.
I think the GFM should not be calling you to discuss your children. It's invasive
and disrespectful to them.
The kids are adults and should be allowed room to breathe. Both of them.
Yikers,
Hops
-
Just an aside thought, it seems like when I remove myself from a situation and try to let go of control it turns out more favorably. I know that is easier said than done, believe me, but if you can you might be surprised. It's like a game and everyone has a part, but maybe it would n't be as much fun if you weren't playing....I hope you get the spirit in which this was meant.
-
I said since yesterday that I wanted to set my self back and remove my self from the issue. But she called me today and made me very nervous.
I saw GF tonight and she looked fine. She told me that her mother was very worried and that she told her to stop sleeping with my son. I asked what are you going to do. She said nothing. She seemed OK and she did not look mad to see me. She did not talk to me but answered anything politely. When my son music teacher came to us, she immediately started talking to him. She did a good job. So, she just does not talk to me. But she does not talk to her mother either.
I was very nice to her. When my son finished playing I said I enjoyed the music and that I will leave. I said good bye to my son and all the musicians and I left.
So, I do not know if something happened. She told me that her mother was mad and I know she was mad because she called me to tell me.
I wish I can excuse this N woman, worried about her little princes having sex with my prince. I have to give her some empathy.
Whatever happenes, I know that I am a good mother and I do not know why GF went to bed with my son so soon. Maybe that is the way now. When I was dating sexy dancing bad boy it took me three months to accept his advances. I think these kids went to bed the first week they were dating. These are very different times. When I was young if you lived with somebody you were kicked out of church. Now, churches have many couples that just live together and no problem.
Anyway, I wish I couls excuse the woman for wanting to obligate my son and her daughter to get married. She does not understand that now a days it is not the end of the world to have sex.
Like Izzy said my son might get tired of so much drama. The girl is not as bad as the mother. My son thinks that she can be educated. And my son knows a lot about human behavior. He understand more than me.
The reason why my son is wiser than me is because I love him unconditionally and he knows that and he knows that I welcomed him into this worls. That he was a blessing in my life.
My mother did not welcome me into this world, and she told me.
OK, I will minimize my contacts with GFM and stay away from the relationship. Good that vacation are almost over and they will be busy with college, and they will see less often and GFM will be less nervous.
-
I will try for this to be the last post about GFM. I am tired of fearing her. I need to get her out of my head.
She said something very unhealthy on New Year's day at the kitchen. My son is recieving a little help from his grand father on his father side. It is just rent for his apartment. My son works to pay his car, his car insurance, his gasoline, car repairments. I put him under my policy car, and co-signed for his loan. University Tuition is on school because good grades in high school, University pay full tuition for all students from highschools of the same state, with a high GPA. I do not want my son to come live with me. Not because I do not enjoy his presence, but because I do not want my depression to affect him more than the 17 years he lived with me. If he gets married, grand father will not pay his rent anymore. That means another job for him, he needs to concentrate on his studies, he already works a lot. She needs to way one year, so son graduates from university. He is a senior. Plus that would give time for them to know each other.
What she told me is that she wants them to get married and hide it from grand father so he keeps paying the rent. I thought that that is very dishonest. Marriage is a life changing event. You should not hide it from a person that has been helping for four years. I am grateful for that help, because it was good for my son to go to live in university. Dormitories are expensive, apartments, even if they are shared among students, are very expensive. I think she is pushing too much. I wish they go away and live far from both of us. I really think that I am less selfish with my son that she is with her daughter. Her daughter does not talk, she answers everything for her. She just keep her mute. Like I said first and Hopalong grasped at it.
I do not wish my son to have to take another job to pay rent, I do not wish them to marry at three months relationship, if she was not pushing so much, they would be taking it easier.
The girls wants to work, and have a career, she told me that she wants to be finatially responsible. So, GFM is telling her that she needs somebody to protect her, that she cannot drive on the highway, it is dangerous, that she needs somebody to take care of her. GFM is so retarded. I mean, not mentally retarded, just retrograde, going backwards, unhealthy. GFM is a widow but she was always taken care by her husband, she married an older older guy to have a father for her. GF is 20 years old, that is an adult. Not 12 years old. My son is 22, there is no way he is going to be a father for a 20 yo. Plus, it is unhealthy.
I will pray and advise my son to be honest with his grand father, and wait after graduation, one year to proppose if that is what he wants to do.
Then, I have to just wait, and pray, and leave him alone.
I rest my case, I have no energy. All my vacation have bee taken by GFM drama. I need to enjoy my last 2 days of no work.
Please, God, give me peace and protect my son.
-
Why do I feel so bad and powerless!!!
-
Lupita,
I can certainly understand your concerns, but it sounds like you have raised an honorable and decent young man. I doubt, from all you have said, that he would be willing to enter into this deceit of his grandfather. Gf may just keep pushing hard enough, she'll push herself right out of the picture. We can always hope.
-
Hi Lup,
I thought of you last night when I caught a bit of some show on The Learning Channel about cross-cultural relationships, and they talked about how hard it is to blend two families when people marry. One woman was saying that in her culture a son always stays with his mother full-time until marriage, and that's what's normal.
It helped me imagine how you might be feeling here, where the assumptions are all so different.
You're a good mother, a very smart woman, and I know you will be able to figure this out. Maybe, just maybe, it might help to say something about cultural differences (if or when it becomes that serious with your S and the GF). You know, "In my culture this is what everyone assumes, this is what is taken for granted, so it's difficult for me at times to recognize that people do different things here, and I may have reactions that other people might find strange or inappropriate. But I'm also just reflecting what I was taught about mothers and sons, in my culture... I am adapting as fast as I can.")
Just an idea, and maybe not wise--please toss if it's premature or feels too vulnerable.
love
Hops
-
::evil giggle::
I can't believe they told you GFM gave her daughter the order to stop sleeping with your son, lol.
I wonder if she delivered it with the admonishment....."Why buy the cow, if you can get the milk for free?"
Argh.... and these kids are only 20 and 22. What happened to her daughter's wish to finish school and have a career?
Just window dressing shop talk leading up to a marriage and 'being taken care of?"
I'd teach my child to drive on the highway..... not depend on a man to do it for her, in any case. And why marry her off to a young man if their agenda is to just get this girl taken care of?
Why not choose a man who's already made a fortune and's old enough to actually BE her father?
-
Lighter, I think GFM is delusional. I only say what I have see, what has happened and what they have told me. GF ignores me. GFM is crazy, calls me several times a day. Today I just did not answer. She drives me crazy. I totally think she is an N and that she just raised a princess as a dream for her self.
It is very sad for me that nobody understands me. How can GFM ask me that my son should marry her dughter and hide it from his grand father so he can still apy the rent?
That is totally unreasonable. Why does she want to get rid of her daughter? For some people, just the fact that the person to be married is enough, to have a marriage certificate, is something special, even if they divorce later. My hypothesis.
Have you read the complete thread?
GFM called me and told me that she told GF to not to stay anymore in son's apartment. I asked her if shw was going to comply with that and she said no. That was yesterday.
Your last answer made a lot of sense. Now, I do not understand.
Alone48, I really hope that you are right. What is the purpose to marry a musician and yauning at concert. She does all the time.
Why does she want my son? Probably the gilr likes my son and GFM just wants marriage. GFM is a controler, probably and N.
I nenver stop thinking about the coffee with cream.
I am tired. I guess I will not get any sympathy. Any wya I already had enough good advises. Finding Peace, Alone, CB. and many have given me nice advice. Even you lighter told me something I agree, she was raised to be a rich man's pet.
Then why did she put her eyes on my son? No money, musician, not finatially independent, etc. GFM is not being realistic and wants to convert my son in what she would like. I am tired.
Somebody said I have to trust my son. I am very tired. Exhausted. Probably housewives would not like that I wish for my son to marry a woman that works outside home and contributes.
JUst feel very sad.
GF bothers me in the fact that she ignores me and does not talk to me. But, that is not that much. GFM is the one that bothers me because she is pushing me and pressing me and my son, why? I dont know, like another member told me that she is behaving like a used car sales man.
Why does she want so hardly to make her daughter married? I dont know and I am very tired.
-
Lupita:
I can guess that GFM has the idea of planning a big white wedding, and bouncing grandchildren, in mind..... having her daughter off her plate financially?
Aside from that.... I'm just so glad that 'even I' could provide something helpful once in a while; )
-
Lighter, GFM is not rich, but she does not have to work. She has a nice check from the bank that her husband left for her, and a nice house already paid, she can support her daughter forever. She does not need anybody to support her daughter. Why does she say what she says? I dont know. The girl has money to go to a private university left by her father.
GFM wants a husband for her daughter that she can control. Period. My Hypothesis.
Lighter why do I have the idea that you are mad at me?
Do you see a MIL that dislike the GF?
Why do I feel that you are mad at me?
Am I right or I am just paranoid?
Just very paranoid becuase I believe GFM is going to control my son?
Bad, my son is a god boy. He might survive this well.
Are you mad at me?
-
Lighter, am I losing your friendship?
Is it that you just do not identify wiht my problem?
Why am I so afraid that you would be mad at me?
-
I am just very sad and tired.
-
Please don't despair in my direction.
You have enough on your plate.
I was just pointing out your comment.....
not meant to make you feel threatened.
Just aware.
(((Lupita)))
You have my friendship.
haven't you figured that out yet?
-
No Lighter, I doubt everything, I do not trust my perceptions, and at the minimun thing i feel abandoned and rejected.
I resent that Observer has not come back. I feel lonely.
Suddenly I felt sarcasm and that kills me. I was afraid that I was going to be attacked. Maybe I offended you by expressing my problems losing my son and you felt that I was being unfair since your MIL had been bad to you. I was afrain I offended you.
Maybe I am not making my self understood.
I am not saying that you did anything wrong. I am just sayng that I felt you were getting mad at me.
Yes I thought you were a wonderful friend. I just got scared. I felt sarcasm.
Sorry.
-
Lupita.... if you see ; ) then I'm smiling when I post....
and most likely amused, certainly not angry.
That you wrote....
"Even you, Lighter told me something I agree" I thought it deserved a wink; )
You haven't done anything wrong..... and I'm not siding with your GF and her mother bc I'm not in a good place with my own MIL.
As for Observer, I'm sorry she/he felt exploding and stomping off the board was necessary.
I know you miss her.
How's that cog T workbook coming?
Maybe you need to dive into that for a while and journal some?